F Is for Family (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - F Is for Fixing It - full transcript

Sue!

- Oh, it's you.
- Francis.

Sorry. I'm just excited to see Sue.

I got big news! Sue?

She's got some big news for you, too.

What's your problem?

Did you strain your trunk
putting up the big top?

Oh, you're about to find
out who has a problem.

I knew you were no good.

Oh, no. Is Sue gonna break up with me?

No.



The time to do that would have
been about six weeks ago.

Did somebody order breakfast in bed?

- No.
- Well, I brought it anyway.

Why are you looking at
me like a confused dog?

I messed up my neck
sleeping on the couch...

which I completely deserved.

I sweated on the cushions,
so I flipped them over.

There was a food stain on the other
side, so I flipped them back,

and I got rid of the sweat
with your hair dryer.

And here's your breakfast in bed.

Powdered eggs and frozen orange juice.

Just add water... and kisses.

- That's sweet of you.
- No, no, no, no.

I was a jerk yesterday and I'm sorry.



So, now we can move on with a fresh
start and have a great weekend.

Frank, you can't make everything
disappear by just saying sorry.

Okay. Sorry.

Frank.

We have to talk through
what happened yesterday

and figure out where all this anger
we've been sitting on came from.

Oh, God.

If anything's gonna lead me to an
early grave, it's doing this shit.

Well, if we don't address
this, things will get worse.

That's not true.

My Uncle Bucky had a growth on his
foot, and he didn't address it.

All he had to do was spray it
with vinegar five times a day

and change the way he walked.

Frank! We need help.

Now, Father Pat has a
couples counseling retreat

at Lake Communion this weekend.

They leave tonight. I'm
gonna call and sign us up.

Aw, Christ, Sue, what does a
priest know about marriage?

He's married to God.

God's invisible

and He's happy as long as you show
up once a week to eat His son.

You and I are in trouble, and
we need to talk to somebody.

We don't need a goddamn priest!

Okay, well, then maybe a psychiatrist!

Are you saying I'm crazy?

Are you fighting again?

- No.
- No!

Mommy and me are just
having a little talk.

Are you still taking me
to computer club today?

Yes, don't worry.

See? Everything's fine, princess.

Now just go downstairs,
watch your cartoons,

and mind your own damn business.

Aw, man, Sue. You got to take Maureen,

so I guess we can't talk about feelings.

I was really about to open up, too.

You are not getting off that easy.

You and I have got to
talk through all this.

It doesn't have to be Father
Pat, but we need to do it today.

- Sue!
- I want you to meet me for lunch

so we can get to the bottom of this.

I don't know. I've got something
important I got to do.

I'll tell you what's important!
Our marriage!

At least it's important to me!

- It's important to me!
- Is it?

Yes! Our goddamn marriage is important!

There! Are you satisfied?

No! That's why we
have to talk about this!

- They're starting early today.
- Yeah.

I'm changing my schedule
and I expect you to do the same!

- Okay, I will!
- Promise me!

Fine, I promise!

- We'll have a lovely lunch!
- Good!

And I'll buy you
that fucking pie you like!

Ah!

And now back to
The Watts World-Travelers

and The Haunted Discotheque.

With special guest star Colt Luger!

Great bouncing basketballs,

the specter of the spooky
spaceship is after us,

including me, special
guest star Colt Luger.

Man, we can't double dribble
our way out of this one!

He's gonna dunk all over us, Afro Dog!

Ghosteses?

Four feets, don't fail me now!

That same lamp and table
have gone by five times.

- This show is stupid.
- You're stupid.

I'm a genius.

You're so smart, tell me
what I had for breakfast.

Ew!

Now who's the smart one?

Ow!

Shut up! Can't you see I'm
having adult feelings?

You don't have a clue what life's about.

I got to go.

Kevin, get out of the window.

You're bringing down the property value.

Such a dick.

Dad, wait. I got to ask
you about something.

- I didn't do anything!
- No, Dad, listen...

Um...

Something happened and, um...

Something's happening now.
You're making me late.

Vic asked our band to play this
party at his house tomorrow.

It's the chance of a lifetime...

Kevin, I'm not gonna fight
you on this anymore.

As long as you get
your school work done,

you can put on a cape
and go be the Elf god

or whatever the hell it
is you're trying to do.

Dad, listen! It's not about my band.

You know when you really,
really want something, right?

And you can't stop thinking about it,

but then you get it and
you hate yourself?

You sound like a fat girl
talking about ice cream.

God damn it! I can't talk
to you about anything!

I said play the party! I'm okay with it!

I'm being the cool dad now!
It's all groovy!

"Hey, hey, we're the
Monkees!" Dodge the draft!

Fucking pussies!

You picked a great time to
be supportive, you dick!

Hey, rock star!

It's gonna be a banging party tomorrow!

Cutie Pie's bringing
some of her friends.

- You into older women?
- Oh...

"Oh" is right!

Guys, thanks for coming
out on your lunch break.

Pogo and I have set
aside our differences

and we hope you can too.

We need to get rid of Scoop

so Dunbarton has no choice
but to hire Frank back.

Scoop must go or Mohican won't survive.

Well, how about us surviving?

That jigsaw-headed dude

tried to feed me a firecracker
on a hot dog bun.

No asshole's gonna Looney Toon me.

That's right. So, in the spirit
of friendship and camaraderie...

Excuse me?

Oh, hey, good-lookin', you
want a private dance?

We're trying to have a
business meeting here.

How about I give your
hang-down the business, huh?

Day shift whores out!

Well, I got to take my kid
to computer club anyway.

Gentlemen, let me assure you

this Scoop situation can be
dealt with quite easily.

Now, now, now, hold on, Lou,
we want to get Scoop fired.

We're not going to kill him.

Of course. We're not murderers.

I didn't say that because I
think we're being bugged.

Killing the guy is out of the question.

I mean it! I'm sure we can
think of at least one way

to get rid of Scoop without hurting him.

What if we built a decoy airport

the same exact size as ours...

with planes and everything...

and cardboard us's?

And every day Scoop
would go to work there!

And that is why you've
never been promoted.

Hey, Bob, why don't you tell me
why I've never been promoted?

Calm down. We're all on the same team.

Oh, yeah? Well, if you hadn't sucked
Dunbarton's dick and fired Frank,

we wouldn't have Scoop to worry about.

You don't know the pressure of
being on Dunbarton's leash!

I can't sleep!

I can't perform for Dolores!

I can't have sex with her either!

I think she might leave me!

Look, Bob, I'm sorry.

I'm not trying to rush you,

but you got to hurry the fuck
up and concentrate on Scoop!

My wife's gonna leave me
if I don't get out of here

and meet her to talk about
my goddamn feelings!

Christ, she's threatening
to take us to a shrink!

My daddy went to see a shrink.

Right before he blew his brains out.

Oh, man.

Okay. I'm sorry, Frank.

And I'm sorry I said you
sucked Dunbarton's dick.

And I'm sorry I was thinking

of calling you a certain word
referring to your heritage.

- It rhymes with...
- We got it, Bob.

What do you mean you can't come?

I'm sorry, but my husband and I had a...
big fight.

I promised we'd take some
time today to work it out.

I'll be there by two.

But I need you here
with the prototype now.

We're going to test the Salad Tosser
with a group of typical consumers.

Damn it.

Henrietta, I believe
in the Salad Tosser,

but I also believe in my marriage.

So, I just can't.

Well, you know what they say:

"can't" is the third cousin of "cunt."

I did not know that.

You do now.

Leave it on, Fujikawa!

How is this fun?

You got to be patient.

The Squirrel Hour takes a
while to get exciting.

It don't hit you in the face
like Hawk and The Field Mouse.

This is so boring.

Then go play with that metal
mouth girl with the big head.

His name is Phillip, and he's a boy.

But I'm not friends with him anymore.

Uh-oh. This show just got interesting.

That's how Mama
bought our Christmas tree.

Well, well, well...

- Holy shit!
- That monster boy's back!

Run!

Y'all can finish at our house!

Bill Murphy.

I've been looking for you.

Uh, hey, Jimmy.

You look nice. Did you just...
come from a parade or something?

Somebody pinned a hockey stick
on me that I didn't steal.

Really?

My dad sent me to military school,

where they taught me
honor and discipline

by repeatedly beating
the shit out of me.

I was released last night

after demonstrating
sustained excellence.

And my dad's check bounced.

Glad to see you're doing well.

Uh, I think I hear my mom calling me.

You're not going anywhere.

You and me have unfinished business.

Hold these.

"Bill Murphy, I humbly apologize for
calling you the following names,

in alphabetical order:

ass butt, ass dick, ass eater..."

Not funny, private!

"Ass fuck, ass gasser..."

This is where you guys will
be rocking out tomorrow.

I had to get rid of the shark tank, but
it was worth it. I'll tell you what.

Kevin, check it out!

You got to try this, Murph.

Yeah, no. I don't feel like it.

Don't be such a twat-rocket.

This party's gonna kick serious ass,

and we will be discovered
for the geniuses we are!

- I guess you're right.
- Of course they're right!

I like your bong half-full
attitude, fellas.

Go ahead, look around the house.

Just be careful if you
go in the bathroom.

There's a hammerhead in the tub.

Oh, man.

- Oh, man!
- Take a picture, it'll last longer.

- Can I?
- No!

And take your hand out of your pocket.

Vic, who are those little...

- Oh, shit!
- I knew you'd be happy!

Kevin and his band are gonna play
a few songs for us tomorrow.

Great.

I'm so excited. Yeah. I have to leave.

- Hey, wow, what got into her?
- How should I know?

Geminis, right? She'll be
in a good mood tomorrow

because this party's
gonna be shit on ice.

That's a good thing.

All my music friends are gonna love you.

This is your first baby
step to superstardom.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

Because when you take that stage,
they will look into your soul

and they'll see what I see.

You're pure, man. You're honest.

Not one ounce of bullshit.

So, bring out the light tomorrow, Kev.

Show them the truth of rock and roll.

That's what all the great ones do, and
you've got that greatness in you.

I love you, buddy.

Oh, I need to kill myself.

Don't do it, Kevin.

There's so much to live for.

Okay, we got to hurry.

After I drop you off, I'm gonna
meet your father for lunch.

Oh, you're going to talk
about "the big fight"?

Oh, so you heard that?

Yes. I heard you say it
on the phone just now,

and I heard it this morning...

and in my classroom, in
the meeting about me.

I'm sorry, honey, but don't worry.

Arguing between mommies and
daddies sometimes gets loud,

the police show up,

but that doesn't mean we
don't love each other.

- Does that make you feel better?
- Yeah.

Plus, Daddy told me we're too poor
for you guys to get divorced.

Does that make you feel better?

Uh...

Look at that, we're here!

Ow!

How about we drop
Scoop deep in the jungle,

give him a fair, five-second head start,

and then hunt him down?

That is the dumbest
thing I've ever heard!

No, it's good! It's like
The Most Dangerous Game.

You dummy. The most dangerous game
was ancient Aztec basketball.

That's right. The losers got
their hearts ripped out!

Guys, what the fuck are we
talking about? Focus on Scoop!

I don't just have my job riding
on this, it's my marriage.

Sue is this close to sending me on
a one-way trip to living at the Y.

That's it! A one-way trip!

That's how to get rid of Scoop!

We put Scoop on a plane
to the middle of nowhere.

Yeah. We'll do it on a busy day when
there's a lot of luggage moving.

Without Scoop there,

Dunbarton will turn the
department over to any dumb fuck.

And that dumb fuck's
name is Frank Murphy.

I think this plan's taking shape!
We're getting somewhere!

Gentlemen, this calls for a celebration.

Who wants to get erect watching
robot bears do stuff to each other?

Nobody.

Speak for yourself!

"Zebra breath,
zit fart, zit tumor."

End of list.

Okay, well, I better...

Now for the things I said
I would do to your mom.

"Shit on her feet,

shit on her corpse..."

Jimmy, really, it's enough!
I forgive you!

Okay, I have other people
on my list to get to anyway

before my dad picks me up.

"Old sad Hitler guy?"

You mean Mr. Holtenwasser?

I must apologize for
blowing up his mailbox.

You don't want to talk
to that crazy old man.

All he does is tell made-up
stories about the war

and what kids who live
on his street say.

I have no choice.

Jimmy, no, don't go!

My honor code compels me, ball gargler!

Sorry I called you "ball gargler."

Left. Left.

Left, left, left.

Shit! I'm dead!

- Hey, good looking!
- You came on time.

Of course I did. When have
I ever disappointed you?

Well, actually that's what I was
hoping we could talk about today.

- Now, I made a list of things...
- You don't need that now!

- It's all fixed, honey!
- It's what?

I met Pogo and the guys at
the robot bear sex pizzeria.

They're gonna help me
get my old job back!

Our problems are over!

But I thought we came to
talk about our marriage.

I am talking. You're just not listening.

Once I get back to Mohican, I won't
have to work at night anymore.

Things will be like they used
to be and we'll be happy again!

I wasn't too happy then.

You were ecstatic!

Agh! Why did I even come here?

I moved my whole day around for you!

I could've been with Vivian and
Henrietta testing the Salad Tosser.

Once I get my job back,

you don't have to worry about
that goddamn thing anymore!

It's not a "goddamn thing!"

It's my chance to do
something with my life.

And you were supposed to
be there for support.

- Frank, you promised me.
- When?

In 1958!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax. Relax.

Tell you what. I'm gonna
go out and have a smoke.

You take a few minutes to calm down
and then we can talk like adults.

Can I get the check?

I'm dead! I'm dead! I'm dead!

The old me would've
got upset about that.

Well, hello there, young Bill.

Mr. Holtenwasser, Jimmy's
gonna be here any second.

Please don't tell him I'm the one

that got him sent away
to military school.

Oh, I had forgotten all about that.

Tell me again what happened.

It's not important.

The past is always important.

For instance, in 1922,

my father hired a young veteran of
the great war to paint our house.

He forgot to pay him on time and
the young man was so angry...

Oh, shit!

I'll finish the story some other time.

It has a twist you won't see coming!

"Pumpkin pussy, pussy pussy."

Oh, it feels good to get
this off my chest, sir.

I too have a secret buried in my bosom.

Then you must unburden yourself.
It's the only way to achieve honor.

Bill and I stole that hockey stick

and we're the reason you
went to military school.

You're right. That felt so good...

- I had to write a list because of you!
- My spleen!

Why did you tell him, Phillip?

I misread the situation!

You ass tit! I'll kill you
for what they did to me!

You're next, Murphy!

Jimmy James Fitzsimmons,
get in this fucking car!

Yeah, you've seen the light!

Beating up little fat girls!

I ought to kick your ass!

I'm a boy!

I'm coming for you, Murphy!

I will shit on your mother's feet!

God damn him. Why do I even try?

What's that?

Oh, it's just a little thing I invented.

- It spin-dries lettuce.
- Really? That's a great idea.

I know! It is!

All right, Sue.

I'll give you a few minutes to
think about what you've done,

and then you can apologize first.

Co-pilot?

- Are you sure?
- The doctor was.

I'm due in July.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

- Yeah.
- Okay. All right.

We're gonna be okay, Sue.

I'm here. I'm not going anywhere.

Holy shit, I'm not going anywhere.

- There goes flight school.
- Goodbye college for me.

Oh, hold on.

This doesn't have to be the end.
It's just a little delay.

It's a baby. How much
work could that be?

- We can do this.
- Sure we can.

You raise the baby, and I'll get
a job to get us through this.

I'm sure I could go
full-time at Mohican.

They love me there.

I'll ask Bob Pogo to put
in a good word for me

when he gets back from the
Ballroom Dancing Championships.

But you had your heart
set on becoming a pilot.

And I will.

Once the kid's in school, we
can pick up where we left off.

I'll fly planes.

And I'll finish college
and have my career.

Yeah, and whatever it is you want to do,

I'll support you all the way.

I'll be your co-pilot.

- Deal?
- Deal.

- I love you, honey.
- I love you.

Aw, Christ.

What the fuck?

Round and round it goes and the
water never gets on your clothes.

And voilà... dry lettuce every time.

I don't see technology getting
any better than this!

I could watch this all day!

- Dry more lettuce!
- If you insist!

With the Salad Tosser,

you can always have dry lettuce when
you need it at the turn of a crank.

Ooh.

Sue, I'm ready to listen now.

Just a second. Smoke another cigarette.

Do you have any questions?

It works on iceberg lettuce,
sure, but what about romaine?

There's not a leafy green you can name

that can't be dried by this little baby.

Look at this silky-smooth
cranking motion.

Sue, I'm ready to talk
about our marriage.

You had your chance!

I'm busy.

Wow. I'll just...

I'll see you at home.

Spin it again, sister!

Because it's plastic, the Salad
Tosser will last forever.

It never rusts, never wears...

and it'll never let you down.

Sue, I...

- Sue.
- What?

Now, you and Bill behave for
Kevin while we're gone.

Bill won't be a problem.

He hasn't come out of
his room all afternoon.

Bye-bye, sweetie.

- We'll be fine.
- That's what you said this morning.

We're just gonna have some
Mom and Dad talking time.

It'll be fun.

Hello, you two.

Ready to pray away the hurt?

Oh, Jesus.

That's the spirit! Hop in!

- Oh, hello, Murphys!
- Hey, guys.

Fuck me.

Kevin, we're going to Lake Communion,

but we'll be back tomorrow night.

The phone number's on the fridge.

Kevin, are you listening to me?

Yeah, I'm listening!

God! Get off my case!

Oh, you're lucky a priest
is taking me to the woods.

- Where are they going?
- Oh, we're gonna die.

This is the express train.

Next stop, Understandingville!

- ♪ If you're working on your marriage ♪
- Oh, Jesus.

- ♪ Clap your hands ♪
- [rhythmic clapping]

♪ If you're working on your
marriage Clap your hands ♪

♪ If you're working and you know it
Then your faith will help you show it ♪

♪ If you're working on your
marriage Clap your hands ♪

Sharing difficult feelings!

Another verse?

Oh, Francis. There
are 12, one for each apostle!

Oh, shit.

♪ If you're sharing difficult
feelings Clap your hands ♪

♪ If you're sharing difficult
feelings Clap your hands ♪

♪ If you're sharing and you know it
Then your faith will surely show it ♪

♪ If you're sharing difficult
feelings Clap your hands ♪