F Is for Family (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Fight Night - full transcript

The reigning queen of the Plast-a-Ware scene wants to meet with Sue. Frank and Sue spend a romantic evening together and just when things start to get steamy, a call from Maureen's school shatters the mood and the family.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

- Oh, this was a mistake.
- Oh, man.

Did I put it in the wrong place?

How old are you?

- Fourteen.
- Fourteen?

- And a half.
- Oh, my God!

I thought you were just short!

You got to go! We
shouldn't have done this!

- You're the one who started it!
- Why'd you have a boner?

Because I could see your boobs!
What was I supposed to do?



You have to get out of here right now!

If Vic finds us here like
this, he'll go crazy!

Stupid dick!

Ah!

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Sue, as I mentioned
many times yesterday,

I am very sorry I took that money.

I didn't know you needed it.

- Okay.
- So you're saying we're okay?

I'm saying that I'm acknowledging
that I heard what you said.

Look, it's just that I don't want
us to be like this with each other.

Especially today.

It's such an important day.

Oh, Frank! You did remember!



That's all I need!

I love that you finally
care about my work.

I'm so nervous about meeting
Henrietta Van Horne today.

I mean, she founded the company.

If she likes the Salad Tosser,

it doesn't matter what Tracy said.
It's a go.

Sue, it's our anniversary.

Oh, shit! I forgot our anniversary!

Now I'm sorry!

See? We all make mistakes.

Exactly equal mistakes.

You're sorry, I'm sorry.

But it doesn't mean we still
can't have a great anniversary.

Let's go on a date.

Oh, honey, we haven't done
anything like that in years.

I know. It's exactly what we need.

It'll be like the old days.

I'll take you to an early movie,
we can go to a nice restaurant,

we can get to second
base in the back seat.

Don't you have to work tonight?

Oh, well, Smokey will just have to
find someone to cover me for a change.

That would be great. I'll
wear that dress you like.

I'll wear that tie from our first date.

It still has that hollandaise
sauce stain on it.

I love that stain. It looks
like Barbara Stanwyck.

That's what I was wearing
when I gave you that locket.

Right. The locket.

And... remember what we did
after I gave you that locket?

I think you do.

That's my little anniversary present.

Ooh. I think that's a big present.

I woke up with it.

Oh, wait. The kids are downstairs.

Oh, gotcha. I'll get the door.

And I'll put on a little
present you can unwrap.

Little music to help the mood?

Faulty wiring is being
blamed for a four-alarm house fire

that killed a family of nine

- and a stable of horses in Ryetown...
- Jesus!

Ready for loving.

Frank, make an effort.

My feet get cold.

Oh, ow.

- Oh, you cut me with your toenail.
- You told me to take my socks off.

- Oh, my balls!
- I'm sorry.

It's okay. It's okay.

Okay, here we go. Starting over again.

Yeah. Oh, that perfume smells
really...

- Oh, Jesus, Frank!
- I'm sorry!

Oh...

- Honey, I don't think this is happening.
- Okay.

That wasn't us at our best, but
tonight's gonna be a great night.

Sure it will.

At this point, I'd settle for average.

Mr. Jeffords, I want all my fans to know

that was not my jacket the cops
found the illegal substance in.

So it was your jacket?

That is correct, Jim. This is my jacket.

Dad, what does "illegal substance" mean?

It means turn on a cartoon.

Okay, I'll see you at three.

And I don't need an anniversary gift.
My present is you.

And mine is you. Good luck today!

Thanks!

- Isn't she great?
- So, what are you gonna get her?

She just said she doesn't want a gift.

That means you better get her
one and it better be good.

Ah, Christ. Why do you women
play these mind games?

No means yes. Yes means no.
Don't drive drunk.

- Just say what you mean!
- That's no fun.

Do I have to go to school today?

Nah, you know what? Take the day off.

- Really?
- Fuck no. Get a-moving, you'll be late.

But I've been up since 5:30,

and it's cold out, and
I'm tired from my route.

And I'm tired from your bitching.

What's the point of it all anyway?

The point is that's life,
and life has no point.

You work hard, you get ahead,

you start a family, and the
kids don't appreciate you.

Next thing you know, you're old,
no one comes around anymore,

and you're staring at the wall.

One day, the neighbors
notice a funny smell,

and that's when they figure out
the cat's eating your face.

So go to school!

My dad's so full of shit.

"Work hard, you'll be rewarded.
Get bigger balls."

His balls aren't that big.
They're disgusting.

Get to school, you little shit!

I'm going, I'm going!

He doesn't even know what grade I'm in.

School's a bunch of bullshit too.
Let's skip today.

- I can't do that.
- Sure you can!

It's just one day,
nobody's gonna miss us.

And we can go anywhere we want now
that we got rid of Jimmy Fitzsimmons.

You made that awful boy go away?

Oh, he was evil.

He made me see the other
side of sterilization.

Bless you, boys!

Uh-oh. Mr. Shicklegruber
knows our dark secret.

If Jimmy ever finds out...

Jimmy's gone.

Come on. Lighten up. Just cut with me.

I don't know.

I have a perfect attendance record.

I've got my eyes on that big
end-of-the-year pizza party.

Last year, it was just
me and the lunch ladies.

Come on! It'll be fun.

Just do it.

Well, okay.

I'm allergic to cheese, wheat,
tomatoes, and water anyway.

Tracy thinks we're in Ryetown, right?

Yep. I told him Julie had
another butter tub emergency.

That fat, hoarding, cheese-smelling pile
of psoriasis scabs is a real lifesaver.

Vivian Saunders, as I live and breathe.

And who might you be?

Sue, ma'am. Sue Murphy.

Oh, now don't you "ma'am" me.

I may live in a mansion, but I'm
still the same plain housewife

who invented a burping bowl and
became filthy stinking rich.

Come in. And invite
your chauffeur in too.

We drove ourselves.

Oh, my God, you're serious.

Henrietta, we gals sure
miss you around the office.

Oh, thanks, but I don't
miss it for one second.

I'm content just to sit here,

collect my nickel royalty
for every bowl sold,

and admire my collection
of antique monkey paws.

You know, it's almost impossible
to find an un-cursed set.

But since you came all the way out here,

what's this new idea you
want to tell me about?

What is the biggest problem
you face in the kitchen?

My maids getting deported.

It's funny, the skinny ones can run,
but the fat ones seem to clean better.

Oh, yeah.

I know what you mean. But...

Wet lettuce.

Right. Wet lettuce.

Luckily, Sue has invented a handy device

that can gently and efficiently
dry your lettuce in seconds.

May I present the Salad Tosser.

And I care about it because...?

Oh, yes, right. The pitch.

No pressure, dear.

Your five minutes began 46 seconds ago.

Chester, put some elbow
grease in them titties!

Champagne Chariot, not
responsible for broken condoms.

Anyone who gets fucked with a bowling
alley rubber deserves to get pregnant.

Smokey speaking.

Smokey... it's Frank Murphy.

Frank Murphy, my favorite sugar shover.

Hey, you don't sound so good.

I don't feel so good.

I'm sorry, but I got
the flu or something.

Don't think I can make it in tonight.

I'm so sorry you ain't feeling good.

Why don't you come on down so I can
take your rectal temperature...

with my goddamn foot,
you lying motherfucker?

Smokey, I'm sorry, but tonight's
my anniversary and I haven't...

Your anniversary? Oh, that's important!

Don't come in tonight.
What'd you get her?

I still have to go to the store.

Man, get off the goddamn phone

and get your woman a nice present
before she ends up like my wife

and starts fucking everybody
in the goddamn neighborhood!

And congratulations!

Well, back to work.

One, two, three, baby!

One, two, three, baby!

Yeah!

Now you break something.

I don't think I want to.

You're such a goody-goody
with your perfect family

and your dad who doesn't yell at you.

Mine doesn't even ask me about the
hockey tryouts he forgot to take me to!

It's your turn! Do something!

Okay.

Um...

That's a start.

Sorry, Mom.

Hey, you guys cut school today, too?

No. We get home-schooled by an owl.

Our daddy glued one of them
professor hats to his head.

He kept spinning his neck around
trying to make it fall off,

but then he gived up.

Hey, you guys want to do
something really fun?

- Yeah!
- No.

Let's go to the supermarket
and lick some meat!

I got a better idea.

What if we stuff these clothes with some
leaves and dirt and threw it at a car?

We can't do that. It's dangerous.

It'll be fun!

Come on, you're making a
big deal out of nothing!

Holy shit!

Who left the seat up?

Jesus Christ.

What am I, the Shah of Iran?

Frank? Frank Murphy?

Oh, fuck me.

Hey, Ginny. Greg.

Oh, I love hearing our names together.

I love women!

I love putting my tongue in her head!

I'd love to chat, but...

today's our anniversary and
I got to buy Sue a present.

Congratulations!

Oh, I'm so happy you two
have what Greg and I do.

Marriage is a lot of work.

So much work.

It's important to do things
together as a couple.

Like, you caught us on
Greg's "Pants Shopping Day."

Every Thursday at noon, Greg's got
to look at pants in this very store.

He's such a man.

Excuse me, lover, I have
to go try these on.

He's always in room three.
Oh, he's so superstitious.

Good seeing you, Ginny, but I got to
go pick out something nice for Sue.

Feeling pressured to get a good gift?

Pressure? No! Why would
I feel any pressure?

Good for you for going the extra mile.

Greg and I have learned that
the secret to a happy marriage

is being in touch with
what your partner needs.

Let me give you a tip.

Oh, the tip!

It's important to show
your love in small ways,

and sometimes very big
and expensive ways.

Jesus, I got to get Sue
something really good.

The jewelry department's on
the second floor, right?

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Thanks, pal!

"No longer will your salad be held
prisoner by the forces of moisture.

Caesar the day with the Salad Tosser."

Well, that was uninspiring.

Thank you for wasting
what's left of my morning.

- Show them out, Huddleston!
- But Henrietta... this is a great idea!

I hear great ideas all day long.

I don't buy ideas, I buy passion!

You think you can just waltz in here,

read your little book report and
voila, you're a millionaire?

I've got passion!

Well, then I feel very
sorry for your husband.

- You have no right to say that to me!
- Sue, stop it.

No, you stop it. I'll tell
you something about passion.

- I worked my ass off on this invention.
- Well, clearly not all of it.

I came up with this idea when my
secondhand washing machine broke down.

I spent all night building
a mock-up in my garage.

I sold a precious locket
that my husband gave me

to pay for this prototype that you have

the gall to say I don't
have passion for!

And this is a great idea!

And if you can't see that,

then you don't deserve the name Mrs.
Plast-a-Ware!

Oh, Sue.

I haven't slow clapped
since Kennedy was shot.

You passed the test, Sue.

That's how you sell a product

and that's the kind of
passion I can get behind!

You really mean it?

Sue, once upon a time, I was a
young housewife, just like you:

poor, overweight, no sense
of style or elegance.

But then I invented a container out of a
new space-age material called plastic.

And with that first bowl, came
the sound of a revolution:

The Big Burp.

Sue, this invention is your Big Burp.

And just like I said to my
high school choir director,

I want this baby!

And I want to sell this baby!

So, you'll recommend it to Tracy?

Fuck him! This is mine!

It's the product I need
to get my company back

from those pricks who pushed me out.

Girls, next week at the
stockholder meeting,

when they expect me to just
show up and pose for pictures,

we'll spring the Salad Tosser on them!

That's wonderful!

Now, bring it in, ladies.

Sisters unite!

It comes with me everywhere.

Kevin Murphy! There you are!

Ah! It was her idea! Don't kill me!

What was that rocking tune I heard

coming out of your basement last night?

You guys are sounding great!

I felt that song in my balls.

And coming from your
balls, that means a lot.

My main Monocles, how'd
you like to play

at a party I'm throwing this weekend?

It'd be the kittay's tittays!

Oh! A party at your house?

All the guys from the
station are gonna be there.

Record company suits. My dwarf buddies.

My sensei, guys from the dojo,
purple belts and above.

Yes! We will be there and
we will rock you so hard!

It's for Cutie Pie's birthday!

She's just the greatest chick
a dude could ever have.

Kevin, maybe you'll get a
girl like her someday.

What day? Not yesterday!

Cutie Pie makes my heart race.
She makes me sweat a lot.

She makes me feel like
there's a hole in my nose.

I freaking love that girl!

I want her to have her babies, man!

Hey, Kevin! What are you doing here?

Oh, man, I need to lie down.

I drive better like this, anyway.

I like to look under the steering wheel!

It's a leather rainbow!

- Oh, shit.
- Now we're playing a party!

After struggling for two
weeks, we finally made it!

This is gonna be so rad to the max!

That effigy looks like your dad.

Yeah. My stupid dad.

Let's throw him in the road.

Our daddy ran over a dummy once,

but that dummy was filled
with people blood.

We stayed in Mexico that
summer and Daddy grew a beard.

Oh man, here comes a car!

- Throw him!
- Wait, no!

Don't throw it!

Why'd you do that?

You were gonna cause an accident!
On purpose!

Come on, we're trying to have fun!

This is not fun.

Jesus, you are such a pussy!

I don't want to be friends
with you anymore.

Ah! A person!

Pussy.

God damn it. Stop ripping.

Fucking Charlie Brown.

Bald loser who can't direct a play.

I'm all ready.

Wow. Sue, you look beautiful.

Thanks. Somebody today
told me I look fat.

No, no, no. Who would say that?
You're gorgeous.

Really?

Yeah, come here.

Does it ever fail?

Let the machine pick it up.

Leave a
message at the tone.

Mr. and Mrs. Murphy, this is
Vice Principal Eugene Menard...

Christ, what the fuck did Kevin do now?

...from Southwick Elementary.

Oh, don't tell me Bill's in trouble.

I need you to come to the
school as soon as you can

to discuss a matter of some
importance about your daughter.

Huh?

Hi. Can we make this quick?

It's our anniversary, and
we have a date planned.

So... what is it?

Lice, mumps, she kiss a boy?
Please tell me it's a boy.

Mr. and Mrs. Murphy, we held a

State Mathematics
Assessment Test recently.

Maureen got a perfect score.

That's wonderful!

Yeah! You know, you could've
just told us on the phone.

No girl has ever achieved that highly.

Until five years ago, girls weren't
even allowed to take the test.

It was believed to make them barren.

So, obviously, Maureen cheated.

Or she can never have children.

You think she cheated?

- You cheated?!
- No, I didn't!

She sat next to the only other
student who got a perfect score.

Scott, will you come in?

This is Scott Ichikawa.

As you can see, Scott is a boy.

An Oriental boy.

- They're really smart.
- How could you?!

- I didn't cheat off him!
- Yes, you did!

Aw, Christ, another kid down the drain.

I am so sorry.

This kind of thing never happened
when I was watching the kids.

This is my fault? You're the
one who left her family.

I had to work after you lost your job.

Oh, well, happy anniversary to you, too.

Not that you care about our anniversary.
You forgot it.

And I got you a beautiful
ashtray made out of crystal.

That's practically diamonds.

If we could bring the discussion back

to your daughter's cheating on a test.

You should be thanking me.

I got a job and kept this family fed

when you weren't pulling your weight.

I'm pulling my weight now!

I bust my ass six nights a week,

feeling every bump in the goddamn road

because I provide a valuable service!
I make people happy!

Well, you're not making me happy.

I never see you.

You're not my husband,
you're my roommate.

You get home when I'm leaving.
You leave when I get home.

You spend more time in that
stupid truck than you do with me!

Well, at least the truck
doesn't judge me.

You should be glad I called Rosie to
get that job, because now I can...

Wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You told me you got that job
from the Employment Office.

I never said that. I
said I went down there.

- You said you got it from there!
- All right, I lied!

I fucking lied! Is that
what you want to hear?

No! Nobody wants to hear that!

But I didn't take a handout!
I'm bringing money in!

You took money from me!

Why the fuck are you hiding
money from me anyways?

I thought we were a team!

I had to hide it so you wouldn't
blow it on another fucking TV!

Oh! Oh! You're gonna
throw the TV in my face?

I didn't hear you complaining when you

were watching the Rose Bowl parade.

"Ooh, Frank! Look at the begonias!"

You stole from me!

And because of that, I had to pawn that

locket you gave to get
my invention made!

You hocked our locket for
your little salad thing?!

And you're busting my chops
about how I got my job?

You know what? Just go!

Never come home, for all I care!

Be with your precious
truck and your rubbers!

Well, if I had a rubber 15 years
ago, we wouldn't be here today!

You said you had control!

I said that in the missionary position!

You're the one who turned over!

Stop it! Stop yelling!

Okay, okay, I cheated!

I cheated off Maureen!

She's the genius! I hate school!

I'm the only one in my family
who doesn't like books!

I want to ride motocross!

They will call me Mr. Moto... Cross!

Just let me go home!

Oh, my God.

Now can I join computer club?

Good fucking grief.

Bob Pogo.

Bob, it's Frank Murphy, I didn't
think you'd be there this late.

- What do you want...
- Please just hear me out.

I'm sorry I left you on the
side of the road yesterday.

If your offer to give me my job
back still stands, I'll do it.

I'll help you take
down Scoop Dunbarton.

You think I'd bring you back

after what you did to me

and that innocent Puerto Rican
who went to jail for our sins?

Well, you're right, I would.
I got to get rid of Scoop!

Thank you, Frank. I knew
you'd have pity on me.

I'm not doing this for you.

I need to save my marriage,

and the only way to do that is
to get my old day job again.

Meet me tomorrow. We
have no time to waste.

Who wants ice cream?

No! It burns!

The ice cream burns!

A little rain?

Is that all you got, you pussy?