F Is for Family (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Liar's Club - full transcript

A Honeybee is always helpful,

like bees help flowers grow.

She is friendly and kind,

grooms responsibly,
and rejects communism.

She works hard, and will be
rewarded with a happy life.

Oh, bullshit.

A Honeybee always plays by the rules.

Okay, that's enough.
You know what, ladies?

I worked hard, I played by the rules.

What did it get me?

I'm sitting with a bunch of little girls
in the middle of the day



with a goddamn thimble on my head.

I look like a Jewish leprechaun.

You know what that means?
I'm not working.

That means I'm not providing.
That means I'm not a man.

Did you know I fought in a war?
Oh, yeah. In Korea,

I shoved my sergeant's
bloody intestines back into his body.

He kept yelling,
"Those aren't mine! Those aren't mine!"

- Fog of war, girls!
- Oh, my God.

I still can't eat kielbasa.

And how am I rewarded?

With a TV show called M*A*S*H
that turns the hell I went through

into a bunch of doctors playing fucking
grab-ass in the Hollywood Hills!

- Dad, not M*A*S*H again!
- Sorry, I'm sorry.

All right, we got 30 minutes left.



Let's make popcorn balls

and talk about how those pansies
are giving Nixon the shaft.

♪ Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love now ♪

♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love now ♪

♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love now ♪

♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love now ♪

All right, baby!

That was Whiplash Firestorm,
waking you up on this Friday!

You're listening to W-K-W-O-K FM.
The Kwok! ****

Oh, turn that fucking light off!

I got to do my papers!

Knock it off, you goddamn animals!

What kind of dildo gets a job
that starts at five in the morning?

What kind of dildo fucks his hand?

- Fuck you!
- Why does your hand smell like butter?

I told you to knock it off! Now, shut up
before you wake up your sister!

Dad, stop yelling!

Go back to sleep, angel!
See what you pricks did?

I swear, they're trying to kill me.

What's with those two?
They've been at each other's throats.

Well, I have a theory,
but you're not gonna like it.

It's Kevin.

He's not a boy anymore and...
he's getting to that age when...

- he's... you know...
- He's what?

- He's gonna want to fuck something.
- Jesus, Frank!

I said you weren't gonna like it.

Oh, on that note,
there's no going back to sleep now.

I better study my shorthand anyway.

I have to take notes at the big
product development meeting today.

- And you're gonna go today, right?
- Oh, Sue.

Honey, there's no shame
in filing for unemployment.

Sure there is. It's humiliating.

I'll be down there with a bunch of hippies
with their dirty feet

and their fucking Beatle-haircuts.

♪ Hello, hello
Goodbye, goodbye ♪

That's not a song,
it's a baby's first words!

Frank, focus.

I know you have your pride,
but please go down there.

You paid into that system
your whole life.

And they have people
who will help you apply for work.

Yeah, shit work.

I want to provide for this family, Sue.
And I'm looking for a real job.

There's still some airlines
I haven't tried.

Pogo couldn't have blackballed me
at all of them.

You almost killed him, Frank.

And the only thing he can reach
is his phone.

I'm pretty sure
he went through his entire Rolodex.

- Fucking Rolodex...
- Frank, we need the money.

I'm not making as much
as you did at Mohican.

Please promise me you'll go
to the employment office.

Okay. Fine.
I promise.

- I'll go be a leech.
- Yes, but you're my leech.

Oh, Sue.

Frank. Not now.

Okay. Suit yourself.

How about now?

_

Ow!

Gotcha!
Pussy for a pussy!

Newsflash: fuck you!

Get the fuck out of the street,
you little motherfuck...

Oh, hello, Bill!

Nothing again for you this week.

Look at all this deadweight,
suckling from Uncle Sam's tit.

Please, I need a job.

What if I had two babies?
Would that get me more?

- I can get another baby.
- I'm wearing rented shoes.

- I don't know how we'll eat this week.
- Somebody shit back here.

- I've come every day...
- I slept under another man for warmth.

Why you giving all the good jobs
to the blacks?

Come on, Frank. Pucker up.

- Hey, Frank Murphy!
- Oh, no.

It's me, Phineas!
From the circus, remember?

- We're union brothers.
- Oh, yeah, hey.

So, Frank, the two-headed baby
told me you got fired at Christmas.

- Yeah.
- They shut us down for animal cruelty.

We've been hitting elephants
with shovels for years.

But suddenly, you get
a Democrat in office...

Anyway, great to see you, pal.

- Yeah, listen, I...
- Fellas, this is Frank Murphy.

He used to be the boss canvas man down
at the airport,

pulling down some sweet alfalfa.

Now he's kipping in clown alley
with no aba-daba. Ain't you, Frank?

Please, stop saying my name.

I understand, Frank.
Embarrassed to be here, huh?

This ain't easy.

The most crippling thing you'll ever do
is walk up to that window,

spit up your pride and admit it:

"I'm a complete failure.
I can't support my family."

That's when you want to crawl
into a cannon, light the fuse...

I can't do this.

Where you going, Frank?
They're about to pass out lice combs.

Gentlemen, Stor-a-Meal
absolutely murdered us last year.

In order to compete, we'll have to do
the previously unthinkable:

come up with a new and exciting product.

New and exciting?

- That sounds like a lot of work.
- It's easy.

All we do is slap some new names
on the old product line,

and those pill-popping housewives
won't know the difference.

Excuse me, Tracy.

I know it's not my place to interrupt,
but I am a housewife.

So, if I could throw in my two cents...

I'd like to throw my two cents in her.

Oh, of course, Sue,
tell us what you think.

We always want input from secretaries.

"Ooh, ooh, look at me, I'm a girl!
I'm entitled to my own opinion!"

All right, settle down.

Sue has more current field
experience than any of us.

It wouldn't kill us to listen to her.
Go ahead, Sue.

Thank you.
Well, in my experience,

the product line is a little
long in the tooth, and I believe

our customers would embrace
an innovative, new product.

- Such as?
- Oh, uh...

I don't know exactly
what that is just yet.

- Great work, Sue.
- Thank you.

You just proved to me
that you have what it takes

to handle a very special assignment.
Write this down.

Three ham sandwiches.

One extra mayo,
one hold the mustard.

I'd like to hold her mustard!

Gene, I'm gonna call you Detroit
'cause you're on fire!

New from Spin-Tel Records!
It's dynamite hit TNT Explosion!

Thirty-eight original hits!
The Electric Otis Box!

♪ My love has no max capacity ♪

Reid Harrison, TV's Colt Luger!

♪ All the girls sing
Here come banana man, hey ♪

The sensational new Corey Mars!

♪ Eating cotton candy
And thinking of Kristy ♪

Why the fuck am I watching this?

Love means never having to say,
"I have cancer."

Oh, you are cancer.

Mom, I did it! I'm fully employed
as a mortician's assistant!

Thank you,
Funeral Academy of America!

Getting the job of
your dreams is that easy!

No, it isn't.

Oh, shit, I fucked up.

Oh, shit.

Oh, I fucked up.

- Dad, are you crying?
- Oh, Jesus!

- What the hell are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?

It's my fucking house!
Why aren't you at school?

We got out early.
We had a teacher's meeting.

It is 9:30 in the morning.

- Well, it's an all-day meeting.
- Oh, bullshit!

It's one fucking lie after another
with you, isn't it?

A real man doesn't lie!

Well, how come you're not
at the unemployment office?

- Because I'm your father!
- God, I hate this house!

I'm getting out of here
as soon as I turn 16!

Good! Then give it to me in writing!

If you're not able to spell your name,
just trace your hand!

I can't take this anymore!

My room sucks! I got no privacy!

Bill always wakes me up
to do his stupid paper route!

It's affecting my school work!

Reading at a third grade level
is affecting your school work,

you fucking dope!

I hate school!
I'm not good at it!

I only like playing my guitar!

I'm trying to write hit records
so I can save the family,

but how can I do that with fucking Bill
in the next fucking bed?!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jesus, Kevin.
Don't have a stroke.

I'm an artist and I need room to blossom!

Okay, okay. Relax.

You know, I remember when I was your age...

This isn't fucking about you!

You're right. I'm sorry.

Okay, look, you don't have to go back
to school today.

We'll call it a sick day.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Thanks, Dad.

And as long as we're being honest,

I did go to the employment office,
but I didn't sign up.

I just left.
It was too humiliating.

- Oh, man, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

And look, I understand
what you're going through.

- I hated my dad too.
- I don't hate you.

Well, I hated my dad.

Look, Kevin, I'd love to help you with
this room situation, but what can I do?

- I can't put Bill in with Maureen.
- Well, then it's hopeless!

The fucking dog has his own house!
There's no place for me!

This could be a place for me.

Oh, Kevin. You can't live here.
It's full of junk.

- It's a blank canvas.
- A canvas smeared with mold.

- I love it.
- Do you smell gas?

I smell freedom.

When you pour your coffee in it,
the Rainbow Mug changes color,

thanks to the hundreds of chemicals
in the plastic.

You get all that, Sue?

- Yes.
- Good.

Now eat it, shit it out,

burn the shit and bury the shit ashes.

Yeah, that was a shitty idea.

- Whose was it? Whose was it?
- I'm just kidding, Sue.

Put that in the bad idea folder.

I'd like to put a bad idea
in Sue's folder!

- How does he do it?
- Okay, that's it.

I'm not trying to be a square.

My kids happen to think I'm very cool,
but enough is enough.

- I am not gonna take any more of this...
- Afternoon, gentlemen.

Vivian! What's shaking, honey?

Aside from those two milk sacs
you got hanging off your chest.

You know something?

That type of language
is crude and inappropriate

- for a professional setting.
- Oh, thank God.

So, why don't you have some class,

you limp-dicked San
Francisco cocksuckers?

Whoo-hoo!

Vivian, you crazy, lovable whore!

Well, Tracy, if I was selling it,

I'd give you the under
four-inch discount.

And if you ever do fuck me,

leave a note down there
so I know you dropped by.

Okay, I'll leave it on the piano.

- The piano!
- You big-pussied bitch!

- Too far?
- Jesus, Gene. Let's take ten.

Enjoy your circle jerk,
you taint sniffers.

- Okay, you can thank me now.
- Thank you for what?

- For saving your job.
- Those men are all pigs.

Yes and you better get past it
if you want to stay here.

This is their game,
and we have to play along.

Hey, Viv, do you know where
my three-hole punch is?

I don't know, Dana.
Did you check your twat?

Yeah. Yeah...

That's all there is to it. Hm?

They give you shit,
you give it right back.

But he wasn't giving you any shit.

He was treating me like his fucking maid.

You think he asked any men
to help find his three-hole punch?

And I've got more seniority than him.

Now listen, I stuck my neck out
to get you in here.

Don't disappoint me.
Play the game.

I don't think I can do that.
It's just not who I am.

Well, "who I am" isn't going to buy
you ten cents worth of groceries.

All right, boys,
we've got plastic to sell.

Wipe the jizz off your chins
and get in here.

"Jizz off my chin!"

Okay!

Yeah, no more babies in this house.

- Won't make that mistake a fourth time.
- Stupid Electric Football.

Dildos just went around in circles anyway.

Oh, there's lots of room in here now!

- I can almost lie down.
- All right, Kevin.

I will fix this up for you,
but if you cut class again

and lie about it, I will
bury you in the backyard.

And I will rise up, through my music!

- Kevin.
- Right. I know. Stay in school.

"A real man never lies.
Stop stealing change off your dresser."

I fucking knew that was you.

Oh, wow!
Dad, is this you and Mom?

- You almost look happy.
- That's because you weren't born yet.

- I sure ruined your life.
- Yes! You did!

Are you enjoying your time as a newsie?

I don't like getting up early,

but it's all worth it
because today I get paid.

How much do you make?

I don't know yet.

But the first thing I'm gonna do is,

I'm gonna get the hockey stick
that Jacques Dupuis uses.

And if Kevin breaks this one,
I'll kill him in his sleep.

My parents won't let me play hockey,
but my nana's teaching me bridge.

Those women are brutal.

Well, this is where my newspaper boss
told me to meet him.

- Hi, Randy.
- Hey, you, freckles!

Right on time.
You're doing a great job on the route.

Way better than the last asshole
who had it.

- Who was that?
- Me! Right?

- Who's this little fruit pie?
- Hello.

So... I guess this is when
you pay me, right?

No, you pay me and then I pay you.
Here's your collection book.

Wait, I have to collect the money?

Yep. Welcome to the wonderful world
of selling weed.

You mean papers?

I prefer to use a bong filled
with embalming fluid.

That's how the pharaohs did it.

- You'll do great. Most people will pay.
- Most?

If you have any trouble,
just bring Poindexter here for backup.

Maybe he can drop his microscope
on the deadbeat's foot.

I would never do that
to a precision instrument.

Are you a cop?
You have to tell me if you're a cop!

No, I don't.
That's a popular misconception!

I could make this work, Frank.

Rig up some wiring, spray some asbestos,

slap on some lead paint.
Kevin, you'll be in heaven in no time.

Thanks, Babe. You're a lifesaver.

Oh, there you are, Frank.

I got worried when I didn't
see anybody through the windows.

We're making this my room,
slash love palace, slash recording studio.

That's great.
You shoot for the stars, son.

Never give up on your dreams.
Never give up.

Four dudes in a basement,
you know it's a party.

Come on down, Vic!

Ooh, Canadian! Should I save
this for a special occasion?

- Life's a special occasion, Babe.
- Aren't you gonna drink with us?

No can do, fellas. I got a big meeting
with my new boss at the radio station.

Got to keep my mind clear
and stay focused.

- Jesus, Vic!
- Oh, this is much better than Jesus!

Are you listening
to forbidden jazz music?

- Hey, Mr. Hitlerburger!
- Sorry, it's a little cramped.

This is a palace compared
to some basements I've lived in.

No way!
You had your own room too?

I shared it with 14 others.

Sounds like a non-stop party to me!

Actually, we were all very quiet.
Most of the time.

Oh, I get it.

It was one of those
"shut up and fuck" parties!

All right, so I expect five
new product ideas from each of you

by a week from Monday.

Whoever comes up with the winner
gets a $10 bonus,

or ten free minutes at that whorehouse
down by the quarry.

Well, you thimble-dicked queers
don't stand a chance against me.

Vivian!

Wait, wait.

We can't close this meeting yet,
not till Sue weighs in.

Sue, do you have any more thoughts you
want to fart out of your ears, sweetheart?

Uh-oh! Look what you did.
You made Sue upset.

Here we go again.

Looks like I got another quitter
on my hands.

Don't cry! Don't cry!
Don't cry! Don't cry!

Listen, I do have something
I'd like to say.

You guys may think
you're the bee's knees.

But I feel sorry for you.

Because you are all just a bunch
of ignorant, small-minded...

cockpeople!

Ohh!

Sue Murphy!
"Cockpeople!"

- I love it!
- Sue Murphy!

She's a keeper!

Not bad, Red. How do you want
your cut: money or weed?

My mom says that weeds
are the desperados of the garden.

Kid, you're not gonna get laid
for a long time.

Let's see. This is for the paper,
this is for me,

insurance, delivery fee,
twine fee, folding fee,

annual dues, stadium tax.

Here's your cut, $5.17.

It's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.

Of all the shoulders in all of the world,
you had to sit on mine

the one day I get invited
to play golf with the boss.

I'm just trying to earn my wings.

And you know brothers love wings!

Ha-ha!
Yes, they do. It's true.

- Hey, Mom!
- Mom!

- Sue!
- Mommie!

- Hey.
- Mom, I got my first five bucks

towards my hockey stick.

I'm working on a new song.
It's got a minor chord in it.

Mommy, a policeman came to talk
to Mr. Goomer today!

What's going on here?
Why is everyone so happy?

We had a great day.

I think I might've come up with a way
to solve the Bill and Kevin situation.

We're turning the basement
into my private sanctuary.

Wow, that would be a pretty big move.

I had a rough day at work. I'm not
ready to discuss this right now.

I'm gonna run a bath.

You already threw stuff out of there?!

I just got the ball rolling.

I got me a toilet vest.

I'm Daddy going to one
of his ghost meetings.

- Shoo! Shoo! Get out!
- I can't see what we's running from!

Were you even gonna run this by me?

I wanted to see the look on your
face and... now I've seen it.

How did you get all this work done
today anyway? Did you go to school?

- Yeah, I did.
- Kevin. Tell me the truth.

"A real man never lies."
No, I didn't go.

Well, that's just great!

And I suppose you didn't go
to the employment office?

Hell yes, I did!
And I resent the question!

So you went?
You filed for unemployment?

Of course I did!
I was there all morning!

And I applied for jobs
that I am waiting to hear about!

Then I come home, I discover
40 square feet we didn't know we had.

And what thanks do I get?

You give me the third degree
in front of my children.

Oh, I'm sorry, Frank.
I had a hard day.

Thank you for doing what you promised.

Yeah, I said I was gonna do it,
and I did it.

- That's what a real man does.
- Of course you did.

You can learn something from your father.

Oh, I learned something.
Liar!

Real man, my ass.
Fucking dick!

Honey, I'm sorry again for thinking you
didn't sign up at the employment office.

I shouldn't have taken
my bad day out on you.

Well, I think
I've done that once or twice.

Good night!

- Frank, I hate my job.
- God, I miss that feeling.

But I'm not going to quit.

I'll do whatever it takes
to put bread on the table,

- just like you did today.
- Ah. It was nothing.

Sue, I'm a little tired.
I'm gonna turn in.

I missed you today.

I work with such animals.

God, you're a real man.

- A good man.
- Oh, I'm okay.

Remember this morning,
what you wanted to do?

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, Frank.

Oh, Frank!

- Oh, God, Sue.
- Oh, oh, my God.

Oh, you're such a good man.
Honest and good.

Tell me you're my good man!

- I'm okay.
- No, you're a good man!

So dependable and trustworthy!

A role model to your children!

- You keep your promises!
- Talk about other stuff, Sue!

Oh. Oh, no.
What's wrong, honey?

Did I do something?

No. It's not you. It's...
It's nothing. It's nothing.

- Frank, what is it?
- I...

I'm just tired.
Sorry.

- Is everything okay?
- Yeah.

I fucking hate myself.

♪ What happens
when the wizard lies? ♪

♪ And the young apprentice cries? ♪

♪ And the evil wizard
lied for years ♪

♪ And his bullshit took its toll ♪

Mr. Greenwood, my name's Frank Murphy.

My friend, Rosie,
gave me your number and...

I really need a job.

I need one bad.

♪ And the lie was
that his face was young ♪

♪ But it couldn't hide
his weathered soul ♪

You're the wizard, you dildo.

And your spell over me is gone.

Like a candle's flame.

Well, you're all wired up, Kevin.

I need privacy!

Yeah, this wiring
will last you a good long while.

You could hook up a space heater
in here, maybe even a jukebox.

Hey, that was nice of Vic bringing
those Canadian beers, wasn't it?

Hey, does he ever invite you over
to go swimming? Boy, that'd be fun.

- Shut up.
- Hey, next time you go over there,

let me know, will ya?
I wouldn't have to swim.

I could just sit there and watch.
Yeah, I wouldn't say a word.

I'd just, you know, sip a beverage
or eat some pretzels... and be real still.

Yeah, I'm good at that. When I was
in high school I got voted "Most Quiet."

- Shut the fuck up!
- Boy, those were the great days.

I went to the old high school.

That's where they house
the mentally deformed adults now.