Extras (2005–2007): Season 1, Episode 1 - Ben Stiller - full transcript

- Why did you do that?
- It's called acting.

Why did you have to be quite so rough?

Strange, that's what a bird
said to me last night.

25 years old, absolutely gorgeous.

We did it five times. Nearly wore me out.

By the end of it...
bollocks like a bulldog, I tell you.

Cut! That's good, print that,
move to the next one. Mike.

Richard, that's exactly what I was talking
about with the smoke, thank you.

Right. I want to go in tighter, all right.

- Did you see me?
- It was brilliant.

You'll get more money for that.



- Do I?
- It's a direction, yeah?

- Yes.
- You get more money.

- Excellent.
- It's called supplementary performance fee.

- Talk to the production manager.
- Brilliant.

- Am I going to sort everyone's life out?
- Here we go.

Talk to the production manager
and you'll get a few extra quid.

God knows you could do with it.

- These aren't my clothes.
- You could have fooled me.

Hey, guys.
Guys, people, can we gather around, please?

Guys.

This is Goran,
this is the man whose story we're making.

Okay, he's the reason we're gathered here,
to share his story with the world.

A lot of you might be thinking
why am I making this movie.

Sure, you guys look at me as one of
the world's most successful comedy actors.



What does that mean?

I mean, yeah, I make Along Came Polly
and it opens to $32 million.

One of the biggest Martin Luther King Junior
birthday holiday opening weekends ever.

Goes on to gross 170 million worldwide.

Meet the Parents, double that.

But what does the money and the success
mean in real terms?

If I find a little orphan child in a war zone...

hiding in a burnt out building,

his parents murdered,
persecuted for his race,

his religion, what am I going to do?

Pop on Dodgeball on DVD?

It's a funny film.

Thanks and I can put on Dodgeball

and he's going to laugh for an hour
and 32 minutes.

You know, escape reality for a while,
but what happens when the film finishes?

Back to reality.

Still an orphan, still living with fear.

How do I help him, hm?

Put on Dodgeball again?

Sure he's going to laugh again,
he'll see things he didn't see the first time,

it's layered, it was made like that,
but this can't go on indefinitely, all right?

At a certain point, you know, after the fifth,
sixth, seventh viewing,

he's still laughing,

but it's not getting
to the root of the problem, okay?

How do I help him?

Make Dodgeball 2?

Make this movie.

Make people think. Change attitudes.

So, think on that
while you're sipping on your frappuccinos.

- And what are we doing? Mike?
- Let's have a break.

Break time, okay, good.
Thank you, thank you very much.

Thanks, everyone.
Back at quarter past, thank you.

And I want you to just be coming
straight in, without...

There shouldn't be a delay
between when the grenade has gone off

and when you guys come around.

Ben, is it possible, please, more smoke?

- Was there more smoke?
- Yes.

Okay, can I get more smoke, please!

- Thank you.
- My pleasure.

All right, guys, now while
we have the smoke, can you come around...

- Also...
...charging right... Yeah.

The Coke, it's not cold.

Sorry, okay,
just kill the smoke for a second. What?

My Coke is not cold.

- Your Coke's not cold?
- No.

- Okay, all right. Mike?
- Yeah.

Can we get him a cold Coke? Okay?

Make sure his Coke is always cold, okay.

Look at that, he gets anything he wants.

I know,
but he's been through a lot, hasn't he?

I know he's been through a lot,

but they're making a film,
he's not a competition winner.

That's where the real power lies here.

- I think he's quite attractive actually.
- Forget it, I know what you're thinking.

Never get involved with a man
whose wife's been murdered.

That's awful. Why?

Well, for one,
he's not going to be a barrel of laughs.

Two, you can't compete with her. It's not
like the marriage started going downhill

and she was boozing and sleeping around,
do you know what I mean?

She was taken from him
at the peak of their love.

She's gone out on a high,
she's like Marilyn Monroe or Jimmy Dean,

Never get involved with a man
whose wife's been murdered. Rule one.

Choose someone else.

Well, who then?

It's as easy as that, isn't it, to you?

Yeah come in, just one second.

I think maybe I'm owed some money.

Some supplementary performance money
or something, I think?

Right, give me one second.

Hi.

Hi.

How can I help?

Yes, the thing, the supplementary acting fee.

Right, I'll have to check
with the first AD really.

- Let me get your details up.
- Okay.

- What's your name?
- Maggie Jacobs.

- Just take a seat, Maggie.
- Thank you.

I hope your wife doesn't catch me
on your sofa.

Or your girlfriend.

- I'm not married.
- Or your girlfriend.

I haven't got a girlfriend.

- Or I suppose your boyfriend.
- I'm not gay.

I should be worried
your husband catches you in here.

I'm not married and I don't have a boyfriend
and I'm not a lesbian.

I'm all done, available.

Hello.

Erm, you get on well with Ben.

I wondered if you could sort of, like,
have a word with him about me

because I'm a proper actor,
I'm an extra in this but I've done, you know...

lines...

You okay?

Yeah.

What you got there?

My wife, pictures of my wife.

I heard about that, yeah, sorry.

- Memories. Wonderful love.
- Yeah.

This is her, very beautiful.

She is.

Our first holiday.
Here she is with my son, one year old.

- Nice boy.
- Nice no more.

Dead. Dead boy.

My wife again.

Oh, I shouldn't look at that.
Was she sunbathing?

No, she is dead.

- Lying in the street.
- Oh, I see now.

- Dead.
- Yeah, yes.

- Why did you take...
- Why did I take photograph of her?

To show the world what must be shown.

This is why I want film to be made
by Ben Stiller.

Ben Stiller of Zoolander, sure.

You look. Dead, naked.

- Yeah.
- You look.

I am, but I'm only looking
at her dead naked face.

Where did you get these developed?

My cousin.

I was going to say, it's not the sort of thing
you pop into Boots with.

Boots?

Oh, it's a chain of chemists,
high street pharmacy.

They don't just do pharmacy now,
they do everything.

They do gifts, sandwiches,
weight watchers, smoothies, things like that.

We don't have Boots.

You missed a trick. True Print give you a
free film when you get something developed.

So you're a mug.

Anyway, if you could put a word in to Ben
to get me a line...

in this...

I'll catch you later.

He's got photos and everything.

- That's not going to help, is it?
- No.

What worries me is I can't push it,
can't go up to him and remind him,

"Sorry to interrupt you again when you're
thinking of your slaughtered loved ones

"but that line, have you done anything
about it?" Do you know what I mean?

Might seem a wee bit insensitive, eh?

Yeah, it could do.

- Oh, be warned, Jackie Greer's on the prowl.
- Why?

- She's having a birthday do.
- Forget it, I'm not going.

- I'm not going if you're not going.
- Don't go, then.

No, but I can't not go
because she's always really nice to me.

- Well, have an excuse ready.
- Like what?

My standard is,
"Oh, my sister's coming down to stay."

I find out exactly when it is, though.
I go, "When is it?"

"This Saturday."
"This Saturday?

"I can't, my sister's coming down."

You're gutted,
you'd loved to have gone but family...

Oh, hello, you two.
I like your hair like that. Isn't she beautiful?

Now listen up, no excuses.

My birthday this week, I'm having
birthday drinks. I'm 21 again.

And I command you both to be there
and I won't take no for an answer.

Okay.

- My sister's...
- When is it?

- When is it?
- Friday, after we wrap. It's only local.

- This Friday?
- This Friday?

Yeah, Friday.

Oh, no, I can't do this Friday,
my sister is coming down.

Well, bring her along, I'd love to meet her.

Okay, I'll bring her along.

- Well, you can't bring her along.
- No.

- You can't actually physically bring...
- Why?

You haven't got a sister, you're confused.
My sister's coming down.

I just got confused.

- So you can come?
- Yes, I can come.

- And you, darling?
- As she said, my sister's coming down, so...

And as I said, bring her along.

But what she didn't say was
she's coming down because she's ill.

Oh, brilliant.

- God, is it serious?
- We're not sure.

- Well, send her my love.
- I will.

- But I will see you there?
- Definitely.

- Yes, I've got no excuses.
- Yeah.

See you later.
Bye.

Brilliant.

- Oh, my God, you're coming.
- No, I'm not.

I've got to be punished because you
didn't think on your feet quickly enough?

- I can't go on my own.
- I can't go at all.

- What if my sister died?
- What's she got?

I haven't got a sister.

- You haven't got a sister?
- No, I made it up, an excuse.

Reading a little magazine there, are you?

- Yes.
- Do you understand it?

Would you rather have all your food
too salty or too sweet?

Doesn't matter if it's too anything.
It's rubbish, isn't it?

You see, I would have too salty.

No, it'd be rubbish.
If it's too salty, it'd be rubbish.

Yeah, but I like savoury things.

But you said too salty,
which means it's horrible.

- I like crisps.
- Don't ask me any more questions.

- Hello, again.
- Hey, hello.

- This is my friend Andy.
- Hi.

Hiya. Jon.

- What are you doing here?
- I'm just having lunch.

- That's what we're doing, isn't it?
- Yeah, just letting it cool down here, though.

Having a bit of lunch
just before we go back to work.

- Are you having to work late tonight, then?
- No, not tonight.

I'm going to a drinks do. I don't know
if you know, it's Jackie Greer's birthday.

Oh, my God, I'm going! I'm already going.
Oh, spooky.

I'm sure you're welcome
to come along as well.

I can't, I'm doing anything else.

So do you know Jackie Greer very well,
good friends?

Not really, no. The producer's going down
so he sort of asked us to go along.

- You know, team bonding or whatever.
- The producer of this?

Yeah, Martin the producer. He's going to
be there. He knows Jackie from years back.

Yeah, I'll probably move stuff around.
I might as well come down for a couple of...

Yeah? Okay, we'll see you later on then
for a drink and a bit of a laugh, eh?

That'd be great, yeah.

Yeah, well I'd better get this down me.
Line my stomach. Coq au vin.

- Sounds a bit rude, doesn't it?
- Not really.

What have you gone for?

Oh, boring.
Just three bean salad, spinach and smoothie.

- I'm on a high fibre diet.
- Oh. No bowel cancer for you, then.

Hopefully not, no.

- Okay. See you later.
- See you later, bye.

Bye.

- "No bowel cancer for you, then?"
- All right.

Classic. That's really funny.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- You all right?
- Yes.

- You're not going to...
- No, no, I'm good.

- Good. Well, I got you a gift.
- Why?

Just to say thanks for being part
of this amazing project, you know.

Oh, thank you very much.

And to thank you for the line you said
you'd get me, do you remember?

- Did I?
- Yeah, you probably don't remember

because you were crying
about your dead family and stuff.

But you said you'd ask Ben for a line.

Are you going to ask Ben for a line?

Yes, I can do that.

I didn't know what to get you,
got you vouchers.

- Vouchers?
- Yeah.

Fifteen quids' worth.

- It's like money?
- It's exactly like money

but you can only spend it at Top Shop.

So, you'll ask Ben, yeah?

Yeah.

Brilliant. Fifteen quid.

See you later.

Cut! Cut!

Why is he laughing?
Why are you laughing, hm?

- I tripped up.
- What's so funny?

I tripped up.

Okay. All right, do you think this is funny?

You think war is funny?

Do you think genocide is funny? Huh?

Are you his mum? Yeah. Let me ask you this.

Do you think this'll be funny?
If I shot your mother right now?

If I shot your mummy in the face,
would that make you laugh?

Do you think that would be funny?

If I blew your mother's face off now,
would that make you laugh?

Okay, so maybe you should think
of that next time you trip, okay?

Let's do it right now, let's go.

- Still rolling.
- And the atrocities continue.

And action!

It's so itchy, this.

- Maggie and Andy.
- Hi.

- Is that for me?
- Yes.

Thank you so much. I wasn't expecting you,
I thought your sister was ill.

Yes, but it turned out to be
not as serious as we first thought.

So, yeah, women's problems.

Typical, quite a build up.
I had to get out of the house in the end.

I thought she was gonna have my face off.
A Rottweiler with lipstick.

Busy, though.

- You look amazing.
- Thank you.

Someone said the producer was coming.
Is that...

It's Martin, he's over there.

- Oh, okay.
- You look gorgeous.

Look at you, I wouldn't have thought
to put that with that...

...and that's the same problem we've got...

Hello!

- Oh, hello.
- Hi.

No, it was Elaine's idea originally.

He says that every time,
but it was both of us.

It's usually true. Anyway,
it's modern retellings of the old stories

and we're going to make several of them.

It's going to be a little bit like
Kieslowski's Decalogue.

- Have you see those?
- Yes.

Well, you know there's that one character,
the Watcher, and it's a fantastic character.

Have you read that
Kieslowski on Kieslowski book?

No, I haven't.

He wrote later that he was so upset
that he left him out of two of the films

'cause he really wished he was...

It's his fault, should've...

Do you want a drink?
I'm a friend of Jackie's. My round.

- Oh, great, we're on champagne.
- Three glasses of champagne.

- Oh, just get a bottle.
- Yes, definitely.

Anyway, so...

What do you mean,
why have you not seen me around?

I've gone red.

Have you done other productions?
Are you an actress?

- No.
- Oh, you look like you should be an actress.

- Costume dramas or something like that.
- Yeah?

I'd imagine it'll be seconds...

Hi. Andy.

Oh, Andy, yeah. Oh, cheers.

Cheers.

Just thinking what you and Ben
are doing in this film, wonderful,

it moved me, so...

- Thank you.
- No, thank you.

Can I ask you something?
What was your inspiration?

Well, obviously the story.

Oh, yeah.

In film terms. Probably something like the...

- Are you a film buff?
- I adore films.

Well, I'll tell you what I re-watched
when we were planning this.

Oh, please do.

Andrzej Wajda's War Trilogy.
They're extraordinary, aren't they?

Yeah.

Ben's been watching them, particularly in
relation to battle scenes, a lot of Kurosawa.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, particularly in relation
to the kineticism of the mise en sc?ne.

In the film. Yeah, I see.

You a fan? Generally?

- Yes.
- Of Japanese cinema?

- Oh, definitely.
- Oh, well.

Kurosawa's obviously a master.

Yeah, he's number one.

I suppose on a personal level,
I'm more a fan of Ozu.

Me, too, but I think they're both,
they're both big boys.

- The aesthetics are completely different.
- Chalk and cheese, but...

- He tends to knock the camera off.
- And the other one just lets it on.

It was Elaine actually
who turned me on to Ozu.

- Congratulations.
- Yeah, I wasn't really a fan before.

Really?

No, I'm sure you've found this.

You say to someone, "Do you like
Japanese cinema?" and they say,

"No, can't get into it, boring."

And you say,
"Well, do you like the Magnificent Seven?"

- And they say, "Yes."
- Yeah, they like that.

And you think, well,
it's a remake of the Seven Samurai.

Yeah, yeah, course it is.
What, they didn't know that?

- No.
- Seven's the clue. Can't just make that up.

No, it really upsets me.
I want everyone to love the Seven Samurai.

I love all the number films, really.
Seven Samurai, Ocean's Eleven, Dirty Dozen.

Which is about as many as I think
you can have on screen at once.

- But seven is perfect for me.
- Apologies for this,

but I don't really recognise you.
What are you doing?

I'm an actor, yeah. Although at the moment,
I'm concentrating more on background work,

looking out towards getting a speaking role.
In anything.

- Andy, sorry to interrupt.
- Not at all.

Listen, can I have a quick word?

- Not now, I'm a little bit busy.
- Two minutes.

- I'm in the middle...
- Don't mind us. We'll be here.

Yeah? Okay, all right.

I just wanted to let you know that
Jon's going on somewhere else

- and he's asked me to go with him.
- Fine.

I wanted to let you know
because it was me who dragged you here.

You'd be all annoyed
because I'd disappeared...

I'm fine, I'm chatting.

- He's nice.
- He is, yes.

- Foot doesn't bother you?
- Eh?

I know you're a deeply shallow person,
I thought the foot would be a problem.

What do you mean?

He's got one leg shorter than the other, look.
He's wearing one of them big shoes.

- Oh, my God.
- You didn't notice that?

Well, no, it was under the table, wasn't it?

- Yes. Must have been a big table.
- No, don't.

- What?
- I didn't see.

Oh, look at him. He's a lovely man.
He's funny, he's attractive.

Look at him, everybody loves him,
life and soul of the party.

- Certainly the sole.
- Oh, come on.

If you're above it. If you don't mind
being known as Maggie, "Who's Maggie?"

"Maggie, the girl who goes out with
the fellow with the big shoe," that's fine.

But they can do something
about it now, can't they?

- No.
- Some doctor in China or something.

No, it's weird, that's the one thing
they can't do anything about.

They can give you a new face, new heart,
new lungs, new liver, new anything,

but if you go to a doctor and you say,

"Doc, I've got one leg
slightly shorter than the other,"

doesn't matter if you got a million pounds,

they can send you to Switzerland and
all you're coming home with is a big shoe.

- Stop it.
- That's fine, if it's not a problem for you.

I'm not so shallow
that I can't see beyond his big foot.

I know you,
you'll get involved and it will be a problem.

All I'm saying is this,
don't rush off with him tonight.

Sleep on it, if it's not a problem tomorrow,
give him a call.

- In the morning?
- Absolutely, why rush into it now? He's here.

- Hey.
- Hi.

I'm ready to get going if you are.

Now? Right now?

Er... I don't think I can go right now.

Oh, right. You said you fancied it just then.

Yeah, but he just reminded me of something.

- Yeah, I just reminded her.
- I don't think I can go.

Is it... Is it the leg?

Hm?

Is it the fact that I've got one leg
shorter than the other?

- I hadn't noticed.
- You hadn't noticed?

I hadn't.

- You hadn't noticed that?
- Oh! No.

- I hadn't. God, it's a big clumpy one.
- Don't say clumpy.

- It's like a big Herman Munster.
- Oh! Don't say...

- Er...
- Oh, that's...

Do these come in any other styles?

Do you have to buy a pair
and throw one away?

It's been good talking to you.

- Just interested because...
- I've never seen a live one.

Maybe I can phone you tomorrow.

No. No, don't worry about it.
You've shown your true colours.

- That was you.
- It wasn't my fault. How was it my fault?

That poor man.

All his life he's had to deal with people
that are so shallow

that they can't see beyond his foot thing
and he's going to think I'm like that.

You are.

I don't want him to know that.

- Well, don't say Herman Munster then.
- Well, it just slipped out.

Herman Munster just slipped out?

Bit more room.

We were having a conversation earlier
about films, weren't we?

You'd have hated it.

I was going to ask you about this film.
Are there any parts left to cast?

- No, I'm afraid not.
- Oh, that's a shame.

- Jon seemed quite upset.
- Was he?

I thought you were getting on with him.
You seemed to be.

Yeah, we were.

But you don't want to see him
because of his foot?

- I didn't say that.
- But it is though, isn't it?

Well, it's her private life, innit?

Yeah, I'm just saying that I think it's a shame
that she obviously goes through life

not liking anyone that's different than her.

That's not true.

She's gets on with anyone,
tall, thin, black, white, yellow.

She's not prejudiced.

- Who's yellow?
- What?

Well, you were just listing racial types,
black, white... Who's yellow?

- That's what we call the Chinese sometimes.
- Oh, do we?

The Chinese? Well, one, I'm American

and two, my parents are Japanese,
not Chinese.

Oh, yes, Japanese, Chinese I wasn't...

What do you mean, Japanese, Chinese?
Both the same to you, are they?

Well, don't make me sound like a racist,
I don't happen to know

the intricate differences
between Japanese and Chinese people.

There's that thing
that they teach you at school.

No.

Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees,
what are these?

- Do you remember it?
- Yeah, it rings a bell.

- Okay? That's us.
- Yeah.

Cheers, good night.

- Are we going?
- Yeah. Do you know why?

- No.
- Guess.

- Because of the foot.
- No.

- I know the first...
- Then we've got the second one.

Okay, I don't need to hear, you know,
the story of how we got to this point.

I know what point we're at, I'm just
wondering when we can actually shoot it.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Good news.
- Yeah?

- I got you line.
- Really?

I talk to Ben, he say, here, you see.
Journalist Two.

"Don't go down there!
There are snipers down there."

Don't go down there!
There are snipers down there.

- What you doing?
- The accent. I was gonna...

- Don't.
- I won't do the accent. That's brilliant.

- Okay.
- Excellent.

- Thanks.
- Cheers.

Hold on. Sorry, there's two journalists here.
Journalist One and Journalist Two.

I'm Journalist Two,
but Journalist One's got all the lines.

Look, him, him, him, me, snipers.
Him, him, him.

I think I should do Journalist Two, you know.

I think someone else already doing that.

- I know, but we could swap. I'd be better.
- I got you a line.

I know, but remember the vouchers.
I got you the vouchers, didn't I?

I put them towards this top.

- Brilliant. Doesn't that look good?
- Nice.

Looks really good. Have a word
and see if I could do Journalist Two.

He's busy.

Yeah, but he's always busy. Just get
a quiet moment when he's not so busy.

Kelvin, go back to one on this,
we've got to work this out.

- Ivan, when you come...
- Igor.

- What?
- Igor.

Igor, okay, when you knock her down,
don't ask her to come down.

You smack her in the back of the head

and then you come here
and you jam it into her mouth.

You can't put your hand up, okay?

Boom, you jam her in the mouth,
break her jaw on the first one.

Second one nose, okay. Her jaw's broken,

she's swallowed her teeth,
blood's coming out, all right?

Then you smack her again across the side,
breaking the neck.

All right, can we do this again, please?

- Go and get him now.
- Okay, I try.

- Ben.
- Yeah.

I need to swap the lines.

What do you mean,
you need to swap the lines?

For my friend. He wants to...

Your friend? No, no, I gave your friend a line.

Yes, but I want him to have more.

You want him to have more?

- You want him to have more lines?
- Yes.

I don't understand, are you directing
the movie or am I directing the movie?

No, but this is my story.
My memories, my tribute to my dead wife.

Would you stop going on
about your fucking dead wife?

All right, let's do another rehearsal.
Right away, please.

Ben.

That was a wee bit much.

Ben?

I'm sorry, what's your name?

Oh, wait a minute, I remember.
I don't give a shit.

- Get out of my face.
- All right.

Don't have a go at her,
she was just worried about Goran.

- Who are you?
- Nobody.

What's that? Who?

- Nobody.
- That's right, nobody.

Yeah, and who am I?

It's either Starsky or Hutch,
I can never remember.

- Was that supposed to be funny?
- You tell me, you were in it.

- Get off my set.
- Okay.

Get off my set.

Hey, hey, question.

Do you know how much Meet the Fockers
made in its opening weekend?

- No.
- No, you don't, do you?

What do you think?

- Don't know.
- Take a wild guess.

Twenty million?

Way off. Double it, add six.
46, three days. 70 million, five days.

500 million worldwide.

Number one movie in India right now.

Well done. Bye, nerd.

- Oh, I'm a nerd?
- Yeah.

I'm a nerd.

I've kissed Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore.

I slapped Jennifer Aniston's butt.

- In films.
- It still counts.

It still counts.

It still counts. I did it, I actually did it.