Everything's Trash (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - United Fronts Are Trash - full transcript

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We should talk.

Let's do this.

[panting]
Oh, my God. Now it's time to talk.

[panting] Yeah. I totally agree.

[panting]
Seriously, Hammaconda, we need to talk!

[panting] Yeah. Definitely.

Right now. Let's do this.

-Yes. Yes.
-Right.

[moaning] Yes! Yes!

[Hamilton chuckles, sighs]

["Kerosene" playing]



Uh… [imitating Hamilton] …"Hey, Pheebs."

[normal voice] That's how you sound.

[imitating Hamilton] Uh, "Hey, Pheebs.

Now that your international flight
from Bone Naysh has landed in LaGuardia,

please go to baggage claim

and pick up my apology
for lying to you about having a kid."

Okay, was it a lie,
or more of, like, an omission?

I messed up.
And I should have told you the truth.

[Phoebe] Mm-hmm.

It's just, you know, we started off as
a hookup and things got deep real quick,

and I was scared I waited too long
to say anything, so I never did.

-But, I mean, that's absolutely no excuse.
-No, it's not.

You lying messed me up bad.

And I'm really, really sorry.



Okay.

So, starting right now,
everything's out in the open.

Really?

I love 90 Day Fiancé.

Ew. Me too.

-[both laugh]
-I've eaten pizza out the trash.

[shouts] Ew!

-[whispers] Me too.
-[both laugh]

Okay, so now that there's no more secrets,
can we just take things slow?

Okay.

Let's go slow. I like it slow.

I know you like it slow.

So here I come.

-Like, 15 seconds.
-I'm gonna leave.

♪ Your love ♪

[both kissing, moaning]

♪ Your love is real ♪

[both giggle]

[cell phone chiming]

[Jayden groans]

Sorry. Stupid campaign stuff. Just--

-[Jayden shouts on video]
-[Jayden] Ugh.

How many times is Tom Weaver gonna use
this clip of me falling in the river?

Know what?
Maybe it's time I launch my attack ad.

-No, no, no, no. That's not your style.
-What?

You're more WWMOD.
What Would Michelle Obama Do?

Get some kids to eat vegetables?

No. She'd say that when they go low,
we go high.

-I'll go high.
-Yes.

-But you could go low right now.
-What are you talking about?

Oh, go low. You got it.

[Phoebe] 110 bucks?

Damn, I'm broke.

If we don't get raises soon, I'm gonna
be out here sixty-nining for sandwiches.

I know.
I tried to get an answer out of Jax, but…

And then put the little ghost emoji.

-Yeah.
-Perfect. And then a little flame.

Oh, uh, did you guys see my emails
about next season's contracts?

-Does she see us?
-Just stay very still.

I see you and hear you.

Clever girl.

You know what? I'm rolling up
in that bitch snatching wigs.

Mmm, Murder Gals and Brooklyn Dads
might be right behind you.

They haven't heard about their contracts
either and they are over it too.

Well, maybe we could get them on our side.

-You think?
-Yeah.

White people love being allies
so they can brag about it.

So many girls from high school hit me up
to tell me they voted for Kamala.

[Malika] Facts. You're right though.

If I can get those entitled white folks
on our side,

Jax will have to pay up, okay?

-Yas, bitch.
-[both laugh]

[Michael] Hey. Sorry that took a minute.

I had to tell the bartender
I voted for Kamala.

[sighs] Anyway, speaking of united fronts,

I have to tell you guys something,

and I need you
to chill the [bleep] out about it.

-Hamilton and I are boning like rabbits.
-[Malika sighs]

I really like him, and I don't know how
to break it to Jayden.

Every guy wants to hear
that his sister's getting it in.

So, y'all are really back together?

Yeah. I know it's crazy,
but it's totes different this time.

Is it?

I mean, you're still lying to Jayden.

Seems like the exact same bullshit
you were doing before.

You should get out of this now.

Maybe you're right.

It's time to integrate Hamilton
into my life.

Which is why I'ma have all y'all over
for dinner at my place.

-I don't wanna meet his triflin' ass.
-This was your idea!

-Since when?
-[whines] Please?

I need my ace boon to run "interfeer-feer"
in case the waters get rough.

You know, keep things light.

It's basically
what Paul Robeson sang about.

Sometimes I think you know less
about Black history than white people do.

[party music playing]

[groans] Fine.

I guess being your ride or die
means I have to either ride or die,

and I like living, so…

-[squeals]
-We're gonna have dinner guests?

I can't wait to show off
my deluxe, new bedroom setup:

The Scarface poster,
and on my mattress, a sheet.

[Phoebe] Hammaconda.

[Hamilton] Hey. Is everything okay?

Screw taking things slow.

We need to go fast.

I need you to meet the people that I love,
become their best friend,

and save the youth center.
It's not landmarked.

-What?
-I watch Hallmark movies to fall asleep.

Just charm my friends, man.

Okay, wait,
what happened to taking things slow?

Hammunition, this is taking it slow.

It just has to be the best dinner
of all time.

You think Jayden and I are ready
to be in the same room?

Yes. I'm ready enough for the both of you.

Come on.

Will you please do this dinner with me?

When you look at me like that,
I can't say no.

Hammaconda is in.

Uh-uh. It's not cute when you say it.

Kidding.

[Phoebe]
Listen, I want you to come to dinner,

and yes, Hamilton's gonna be there.

[laughs] I'm totally down for dinner.

Really? God, that was so easy.

Phoebe. You're my sister.
I want you to be happy.

-[Phoebe] Aw.
-I'm gonna grab some celebratory drinks.

-[laughs] Yeah, I'll help you.
-[Jayden, Jessie laugh]

[funky music playing]

What's going on?
You're making your Joker face.

I'll never go low in public,

but I'm gonna sack tap Hamilton hard
in private.

Of course, with my words.

I would never tap genitals
without consent.

Or, since this is important to Phoebe,
maybe we power through like WASPs.

Swallow our feelings with gin,

and then die without telling the people
we love how much we care about them.

Oh, uh, we'll…
[clears throat] …unpack that later.

I'm fine. Look, just be cool.

Fine. I'll be civil.

I'll just communicate with my eyes.

-[Jessie sighs]
-[Jayden] Hmm?

You look like you've been crying
to that Amazon commercial again.

That dog brought home a package
from over 8,000 miles away.

Super excited about family dinner night.

I just think that maybe
you might wanna give Hamilton

a heads-up about how hot I am.

I just think when dudes see that their
girl is living with a pantie dropper,

they get a little weird.

That's why you and Jeff broke up.

I dumped him
because he stole money out of my wallet.

Yeah, probably to get plastic surgery
to compete with this.

Check this out.

Jessie.

I think you dropped these?

Uh-uh. Take your filthy paws
off her silky drawers.

I don't know what this is,
but I don't love it.

Brooklyn Dads. Murder Gals.

-Thank you for meeting me.
-No problem.

Statistically, you're way less likely
to get murdered at lunch than at dinner.

Look,
we are the top three pods at Parakeet,

but Jax isn't treating us like that.

-So, that's why I wanted to talk to you.
-Yes.

There is no more important job
than listening to a Black woman

-who has something to say.
-I'm glad to hear you say that.

-No, I'm not done.
-Yeah.

You know, we immersed ourselves
in critical race theory.

We read The 1618 Project.

It imagines a world where Black people
kidnapped white colonists,

brought 'em to Africa and enslaved them.

-That's how it should have been.
-Yeah. Let's focus.

Uh, Parakeet is screwing us around, right?
When they need us.

But I think if we all stand together,
we can get a good deal.

We're in. Teamwork makes the dream work.

Or a nightmare.

It's the people working side by side
pushing each other to think big

who make the most memorable murders.

[Malika] Sure.

Look, if we all raise hell together,

it could be a dope-ass way
to negotiate fairer salaries.

Strength in numbers. Snaps for that.

Well, all right. Let's do this.

-United front.
-[all] United front!

-To murder.
-You say, "murder"?

♪ There's a devil laying around ♪

Okay, I see what you did
with the saltshakers.

Now dinner's gonna work out.

Do not tease me when I'm supes vulnies.
Super vulnerable.

You're supes vulnies?

Nah-uh. I am the one who's supes vulnies.

-I'm meeting your people.
-Don't worry. We got this.

[Michael] Hi, I'm Michael.

Ugh. What the hell are you doing?

I'm just the average-looking, asexual bag
of oatmeal that lives with Phoebe.

Not a threat at all.

Sorry about the smell.
My butt is full of farts.

You must be Hamilton.

Uh… [chuckles] …hi. Yeah.

-[door buzzes]
-[Phoebe] Okay. Enough of this.

They're here. Dinner is gonna be great.
[laughs]

-[groans]
-[Jessie moans]

-[inhales]
-[cutlery clinking]

[sighs]

These potatoes are excellent.
Do I taste rosemary?

Yes, you do, baby.

Shout-out to the Whole Foods hot bar.

If you put 'em in a salad container,
they'll charge you less.

-No.
-Great tip.

Makes sense, right?

[all] Mmm.

Initiating WASP protocol
in three, two, one.

[singsongy] Bye, feelings.

[Jessie slurps]

[Hamilton sighs] Okay.

Wow, Hamilton. [chuckles]

What you and Phoebe have must
be special if she hit Whole Foods.

When I come for dinner,
it's usually Walgreens rotisserie.

I actually chipped my two front teeth
on a Walgreens rotisserie.

Turns out you're not supposed
to eat the bones.

I'm as stupid as I am ugly.

-[spoon clinks]
-[Jayden groans]

-Oh, let me get that.
-I got it. I got it.

Wouldn't want you turning this
into another ad.

Jayden Hill fumbles a spoon.
Will he fumble the state budget?

That would be a good one, right?

[Jessie] Oh, boy. [slurps]

Ooh! What if we all chipped in
to give Rihanna a baby gift?

-That would be super cute.
-It's okay, babe.

You know, I'm off the clock,

but if I were to make an ad,
it'd go something like,

"When things fall off,

Jayden Hill is the first one
to pick 'em up."

That was on the house. [sniffs]

That's pretty good, man.

[all laughing]

-[Jayden] It's good.
-[Jessie] I mean, you can't deny it.

-[Jayden] Pick it up, huh?
-[Jessie] Yeah, yeah.

For real, though.

[Hamilton] If we can pick it up,
why can't we put it down?

You feel me? Okay.

And we just connected on an intense level
that you just don't find with anyone.

-And also, he put it in so deep.
-[Jessie] Ooh.

Okay, lets, uh, save some stories
for when your parents visit, okay?

[all laugh]

Aw, you guys, like, this is going so well.

I don't wanna push it, but maybe
a group trip to Turks and Cakies.

Ooh, they'll stop you at the border
if you call it that.

[all laugh]

Well, I would be honored to travel

to Turks and/or Cakies with you all.

Thank you for taking the time to meet me.
I, uh, I really care about this one.

-[all] Aw.
-[Phoebe] Speaking of cakies,

-I'ma go get dessert.
-[Hamilton] Mmm.

It's yellow cake
in the noisy-ass container,

so you know it's good.

-Okay.
-[Michael] I'll help you.

I just hope I don't eat it all
like a disgusting animal.

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, excuse me, guys,
I just gotta fire off this text.

Things are getting down to the wire,
and Tom is all in my grill.

Tom. [scoffs] Tom Weaver.

Weaver, comma, Tom.

-T-Weaves.
-Honey.

No, no, it's totally normal
for you to be texting him

while you're here at dinner with me.

I mean, you get it, right?

Week before the election, you gotta be
all in and do whatever it takes to win.

Yeah. No matter who you hurt.

These gin and tonics aren't hurting me.

Jay, come on, he didn't mean it like that.

Listen, we're having a great time, right?
So maybe we keep politics out of it.

-[Jessie] Mm-hmm.
-Okay. Okay.

[Jayden, Malika chuckle]

It's just that this man's entire job

is finding ways to destroy me.

Like, how do you sleep at night
knowing your ruthless tactics

are hurting a deeply decent man?

You're more than decent. You're great.

It's just… [sighs]

-Never mind.
-[Jayden scoffs]

See? He said, "Never mind."

Besides, there are way more fun things
to talk about, right, Malika?

[Jayden] Hamilton, go on.

What were you gonna say?
Or is it harder to talk trash mano a mano?

-Stop it.
-[Hamilton] I don't talk trash.

-The fact is, you're not doing enough.
-Hmm?

You wanna govern, you gotta fight.
You got to get a little dirty.

-Ah! So you admit, you have no soul.
-[Phoebe] Okay…

[through teeth] I maxed out my credit card
buying this cake,

so why don't you all
shove it in your stupid little mouths?

Come on, man, we're both doing our jobs.

We both want a better Brooklyn
for our kids.

Your secret-ass kid.

-[gasps]
-[chuckles]

Bitch, really?

I'm sorry, Pheebs…
[sighs] …I wanna have your back,

but homeboy lied about having a kid
and I can't pretend I'm over it.

And I can't pretend anymore either.

I'm beautiful,
and I'm tired of hiding that.

I have a face that makes 'em fall in love,

-and an ass that seals the deal.
-[Hamilton] Oh.

I don't even know why you're here.

Seriously, dude, you're a snake.

-Snake with snake babies.
-Enough.

[shouts] Dinner is over!

I did my hair,
I cleaned this entire apartment,

I bought yellow cake, and I made it nice!

For what?

Pheebs, I am so sorry.

Dinner… [laughs, slurs] …was so good.

Remember the potatoes with the rosemary--
[gags]

[Hamilton shrieks]

[all groan]

-[Phoebe shouts] Get out!
-I'm sorry!

Get out!

Okay, but I do need to feed my hamster,
Rameses--

I told you for the Juneteenth time
to get the [bleep] out!

-[Malika] You okay, girl?
-She might have a second…

[Phoebe] I don't give a damn! Get out!

Get out!

[Phoebe groans] That was terrible, Hammy.

I'm so embarrassed.

Yeah, you must be,
'cause usually you'd say,

[imitates Phoebe] "I'm hella embare-bare."

Seriously, bae. [sighs]

I can't believe how trifling they were.
Especially Malika.

We should have just gone slow
like you said,

and I rushed and made everything worse.

Yeah. But it was also kind of great

because it made me realize
I like to do hard things with you.

I'm all in.

I'm all in too.

-Come here.
-[giggles, sighs]

Hamilton looked at me
like I was a bird who crapped on him.

I can never see his face ever again.

[belches, whimpers]

I thought you were great.

The way your puke hit his shoe.

That sound? [singsongy] Living for it.

[Jessie groans]

I know you don't want to hear this,
but Hamilton really cares for Phoebe,

and I've never seen her like
this about any guy ever.

So maybe he's okay.

No, he is pure evil.

But I will admit,
he did teach me one thing.

[cell phone beeps]

Yeah, Giovanni?

It's time to run that attack ad
on Tom Weaver. Mm-hmm.

No mercy.

-[Jessie] Mmm.
-[cell phone beeps]

[sighs] I'm sorry, honey.
I went high for as long as I could.

I'm sure there's some loophole
somewhere about,

"When they go low, we can go low too."

As long as we go a tad higher
than they went,

Michelle can't be mad.

Does that mean you're joining me
on the dark side?

"Dark side" does sound kind of sexy.

You wanna make Michelle mad and go low?

You puked and I have calls to make.

Oh, thank God, 'cause I do not feel good.
[belches]

[cell phone chimes]

[Jax] Please have a seat. [clears throat]

[exhales deeply]

[both sigh]

Girlfriend,
I don't mean to sound dramatic,

but I got to call you in.

You went behind my back to unite the pods
over salary negotiations.

[whispers] You broke my heart.

Look, I thought if we banded together,

we'd have a better chance
of getting a fair contract.

My whole life,
women have been out to get me,

and I don't know if it's the face,
the hair, the brains, these big naturals…

-What?
-I know.

Everyone thinks they're fake,
but they're not.

The only thing that's fake here

is the friendship
that you pretended to have with me.

I feel really used.

You feel used? [scoffs]

We were going into a new season and
you promised to negotiate in good faith.

We deserve that.

Okay, well,
I deserve women who support me,

even if they're jealous of my friendship
with Bethenny Frankel.

Jealous of what?

I could get her here in, like, 15 minutes.

And I know that's uncomfortable for you.

-Okay.
-Look.

Bottom line.

We intend to pick up your option and
give you a fair cost of living adjustment.

Really? That-- That's it?

Shh!

A word of advice, girlfriend.

Sometimes when you rock the boat,
it can tip over.

And that's not a threat.
It just sounds like one.

Okay, well,
thank you for clearing everything up.

I, uh, know where we stand now. [sighs]

-You're so welcome.
-[Malika] Mmm.

Come here.

[Jax inhales deeply, sighs]
Yeah, that feels good.

-Keep serving a beat face, queen.
-Mmm.

[both laugh]

[Malika groans]

Malika Denise Jones,
you got a lot of nerve coming up in here.

My middle name is not Denise.

Malika Nicole Jones,
don't take that tone with me.

Also not my middle name.

-Is it Jordana?
-Enough, okay?

The Murder Girls and Brooklyn Dads
completely hung us out to dry.

-That's terrible.
-That part.

But, uh, seems you got
a taste of your own medicine

with your whole, you know,
united front falling apart and all.

What's the flavor profile?

Unseasoned catfish and regret?

Okay. I get it.

I'm sorry.

I was just trying to protect you.

Well, I will say you and Jayden
being messy boots

brought me and Hamilton closer together.

[heavy accent] What ya think 'bout that?

[impersonating heavy accent] I think…
[normal voice] …if he makes you happy,

and it's what you want,

then it's wonderful, boo.

Yeah, it's what I want.

Okay.

[reggae music playing]

So what are we gonna do
about the Parakeet of it all?

Well, Limelight Media
is the hottest podcast studio out there,

and they love everything I post.

I bet we can get a meeting with them.

-I don't know.
-Come on.

If someone's sniffing around,

we should just hike up our skirts
a little bit.

-Ew.
-Let's just see what the options are,

okay?

United front for real this time?

Like, my boob's are here,
yours are basically touching.

-Nip to nip, 'cause that's friendship.
-Oh, my God.

I can't believe I'm touching tater meat

with a woman
who doesn't even know my middle name.

Is it Malika?

No! Malika Malika. Really?

Okay, shoulders, I see you.

Hey, Jax.

Nobody told me
that it was flawless skin Thursday.

Coming in here stunting on all of us.

You look snatched.

Thanks so much.

[Jax] Jessica.

[speaks Korean]

It means "Hello" in Korean.

-Every damn day.
-[Phoebe] Girl, I know.

Look at her. She is white nonsense.

Just go to your office.