Everything's Trash (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Episode #1.8 - full transcript
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---
Damn.
[ Cellphone buzzes ]
[ Message swoops ]
[ Cellphone buzzes ]
You lost your chance to talk,
you dumb bitch.
Ugh! Great.
Now you ruined my night, too,
asshole.
[ Sighs ]
Maybe...
I can save it.
You filthy queen. [ Laughing ]
Ooh!
Jason Momoa.
More like Jason Mm-mm-oa.
[ Laughing ]
[♪♪]
Is your name Aquaman or Sandman?
It's a desert down there.
Know what?
It's time for the big guns.
Regé-Jean Page.
[ Cockney accent ] You could dip
your tea bags in me cup
anytime, mate.
Mmm!
Mm.
Me crumpet is dry, innit?
[ Cellphone buzzes ]
[ Sighs ]
I'll give you this.
Ya blocked.
Mm.
Hm?
Really, bitch?
That's what did it?
Fine, this ho owes me
fapparations, anyway.
Zam, business daddy.
Let's do this.
Talk to me, baby.
I look sexy, huh?
Remember this Hamiconda?
Mm-hmm.
You could've been my date
to Essence Fest,
but you didn't
want to commit.
Because you lied to me about
having a kid, bro!
Ugh!
[ Laptop slams ]
Ugh!
Frederick, I'm sorry, man,
but you're all I have left.
Not again.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
Malika:
So, Hamilton texted,
so you're looking at your
picture, and you jilling off.
Well, technically,
it's blilling,
because I blocked
the bitch,
and then I jilled off
to the bitch I blocked.
So you
finally blocked him?
Mm-hmm.
I'm so proud of you.
[ Crunching ]
Uh-uh!
Damn, Parakeet!
That shit taste like it
was made by
a barefoot white woman wearing
all-natch deodorant.
Mm-hmm.
Ugh. The new interns
are starting today.
I love interns.
They're so cute.
Which one's mine?
None of them, fool.
Parakeet is just looking
for a reason
not to give us
a great deal next season,
so keep it
professional.
I'm always professional.
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Mm-hmm. Ooh! BRB.
Professional!
You got it.
♪ I'm gonna make some friends ♪
♪ I'm gonna make some friends ♪
♪ Interns are so fun ♪
Hiii, goiiiys.
I'm Phoebe.
And can I just say,
y'all are giving me
Sallie Mae Fashion Week
realness.
Especially you, mohawk.
You know what?
I'mma call you Momo.
Actually, you have a fauxhawk,
so I'mma call you Fomomo.
'Cause I have a fear of missing
out on your mohawk.
[ Laughing ]
We love your podcast.
I'm Cleo.
This is Michelle.
And Momo is Justin.
Phoebs, you are
a hero of mine.
A mogul in the making.
We studied your podcast
at school,
and we went to the talk you gave
for Professor George's class.
Is he still fine?
Girl.
So hot.
I would drink
his bath water.
Okay, Momo, we got
the same taste in men.
[ Laughing ]
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Ugh!
My ex won't leave me alone.
Now he's e-mailing me.
Check this out.
"Hey, did you block me?
Can we talk?"
Keep blocking, queen.
He's trash.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Blocked.
Shoot, this has been such a fun
hang, but I gotta bounce.
Aw. Bye,
Auntie Phee-Phee!
Auntie Phee-Phee?
You guys, I'm gettin' emosh.
Bye.
My opponent has an extensive
history of civil service,
but as a longtime
Brooklyn resident,
I have a passion for
my neighborhood.
And its people.
So great.
[ Chuckles ]
But isn't it a town hall?
Those things are
a little looser.
I know.
I'm blowing it, aren't I?
No!
Look, people call you
Baby 'Bama, okay?
Maybe lean into that.
Watch.
Obama rolls up
his sleeves.
He walks around
the stage.
He approaches people
in the audience.
He owns the space.
[ As Obama ]
"Don't boo. Vote.
Yes, we can.
Uh, Malia, did you eat
all the damn cheddar bunnies?"
Sorry, that's just what I
imagine him saying at home
in a... well-fitted T-shirt.
His breath smells like lemons.
Anyway, own the space.
I can do that.
And I'll try it at that
East River event tomorrow.
Yeah, you will.
Own the space.
I know that's right.
Let 'em see my moves.
Ooh, now you're
channeling Barack.
[ As Obama ] We worship an
awesome God in the blue states
and back that ass up
in the red states.
Say that again to me
in the bedroom, Mr. President.
[ Chuckles nervously ]
[♪♪]
So I know you warned me
about the interns,
but listen,
they love me.
They say I'm an icon, a legend,
and the moment.
I mean, Momo's even calling me
Auntie Phee-Phee.
Auntie Phee-Phee?
Are you the boss
or the cool auntie
trying to help her niece
lose her virginity
to the football captain
on your pool table
while they watch
"Dr um line"?
Oh, my God! That's exactly how
I lost my virginity.
Except it was a ping-pong table
and the movie was
"Step Brothers."
Do not get tight
with the interns.
Be Boss Auntie.
Obvi! Boss Auntie is me.
I am her.
Oh, wait, the movie was
actually "Scarface,"
and it was a air-hockey table.
I can still hear
the whooshing.
Now, obviously, an H5
four-track portable recorder
can do the job
for field interviews,
but I prefer to use a standard
dynamic tabletop mic.
It has a cardioid pick-up
pattern,
which is good
for one-on-one interviews.
Hiii, goiiiys.
I bought bear claws
for my little cub-cubs.
Queen,
I can take it from here.
Thanks. I do have a meeting
in, like, 10 minutes.
You can cover
windscreens.
Yes, totally.
I love windscreens.
[ Quietly ]
Remember... Boss Auntie.
Of course.
Bye, guys.
[ Laughing ] Lols.
Snooze-fest, right?
No!
I learned so much.
This is very informative.
Come on.
It's Auntie Phee-Phee.
I was so bored.
I dissociated.
I had to pee
the entire time.
Aww, my sweet, dewy babies,
work is wack.
Let's go out tonight.
Regis Hall, 7:00-ish?
[ Laughing ] Yeah!
Coat your stom-stoms, 'cause we
goin' hard tonight, glug-glug.
Ooh! Actually, I was...
You have it.
Mm-hmm.
This is what mentors hip is.
I can share. [ Laughing ]
This river is filled with
mercury, lead,
copper hydrocarbons.
It's like Stefon says.
[ As Stefon ]
"This club has everything."
[ Normal voice ]
But in... in... in a bad way.
Woof.
Own the space!
Remember?
Back that ass up.
Right. Okay.
[ Clears throat ]
Okay, here's what's up.
Someone's got to give a damn if
we're gonna make a difference.
That's right.
Mm-hmm.
This river used to be clean,
and it can be again
if we put in the work!
Yes!
We can do it for our neighbors!
Yes!
For our kids!
[ Church organ playing ]
If you send me to Albany,
I'll take on the companies
that foul our waters!
Our families deserve to be safe!
Yeah!
They deserve to be healthy!
Yes!
We deserve an accessible
waterfront!
Aah!
[ Crowd gasps ]
Oh, my God! Jayden!
Jayden, I got you!
Jayden!
I got you!
I got you!
Help!
Nope.
That water
don't look right.
Aah!
[ Chanting ]
Momo! Momo! Momo!
Woo!
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Ew!
Hamilton DM'd me
on Linkedln.
How do I even still
have a Linkedln?
You know what? Whatevs.
Ya blocked, bitch!
Block that bitch!
Thank you for
taking us out.
This is really fun.
So, I'm trying to
start a podcast,
and it's taking forever.
I feel like a loser.
I'm so old.
What? You're 21.
Lower your expectations.
I didn't have any
when I started mine.
I just talked about my life
and learned to not pop P's
on the mic like I pop my poon.
Are you taking notes?
You're off the clock, boo-boo.
[ Glass shatters ]
Okay. But, like,
how did you get your followers?
Was it strategic, or did it
happen organically?
I'm trying to build my brand so
I can be taken seriously.
Momo, you're doing homework
at a bar.
You're serious enough.
Oh, snap!
Bitch got dragged.
Unh-unh.
Don't laugh too hard,
'cause I'll come
for you two next.
Do me first.
Guys, we're not at work,
so can we please
let our hair down
and pop our tay-tays out?
[ R&B song starts ]
Ooh! This my song!
I don't know about y'all,
but I'mma dance!
Come on!
[ Cheering ]
[♪♪]
Jayden,
what are you doing?
[ Scoffs ]
Can you scoot over, please?
I thought you wanted me
to take up space.
I wanted you to
take up space on land.
Look, it was terrible,
but it'll blow over.
[ News theme plays ]
Anchor: Tonight, he's running
for public office,
but today, he was
swimming for his life.
Jayden Hill, a candidate for
state assembly in Brooklyn,
fell into the East River.
Oh, God,
now I'm reliving it.
[♪♪]
Whoa, whoa!
[♪♪]
Baby, it's okay!
We can spin this!
Don't say "spin"!
Oh, right!
Um, make it look like
it was planned!
Get back up there!
Okay.
Own the space!
Okay. Alright.
Brooklynites!
[ Helmet thumps ]
My point is that pollution
is no laughing ma...
Ahh!
[ Crowd gasps ]
The daring helicopter rescue
was seen by hundreds of
onlookers.
Ahh! We spoke with people
who witnessed the fall.
Ahh!
I'm sorry... falls.
He swallowed
a bunch of river water.
Michael! Like, honestly,
I hope he's okay.
My cousin, he swallowed
river water on a dare,
and now he can't have kids.
Anchor: Now first...
[ TV turns off ]
Luckily, I didn't swallow
any water, okay?
I kept my mouth closed.
But... then where did
the screaming come from?
[♪♪]
I love that.
Ooh.
That bartender has been
checking you out all night.
You should
jump on that.
He's cute, and he owns
a toaster oven.
Actually, I'm practicing
conscious abstinence
so I can focus
on my career.
So you're just letting a
Charlotte's web grow down there
on purpose?
Alright, guys, tonight has
been amazing, but I'm out.
I want to be sharp
for work tomorrow.
Trying to get me
a job at Parakeet
when this internship is over.
Wait, hold up.
You just started yesterday.
Yeah, stop being trash.
So, who's the person who's in
charge of hiring at Parakeet?
Like, are they in
the office every day
where I can maybe drop in,
get some face time?
You guys, come on.
Just chill out and be young
and dumb and fun and...
[ Keys clicking ]
"Be young and dumb..."
No more notes, Momo!
Woman: Ow!
Just live your damn life!
You know what?
I'mma give you the
"Dead Poets Society" spesh.
You shouldn't...
I got it, okay?
I'mma... I got it.
Ooh, ooh!
Listen, I love you guys.
You're great.
Which is why
I'm begging you to
take your dumb asses
outta here right now.
Yeah, go on.
Make some mistakes.
Don't worry about how
it's all gonna turn out.
Park our off a Toyota Camry.
Steal a rental bike.
Eat dollar pizza, get diarrhea,
and bam!
Six-pack abs!
Or, you gorgeous but
stupid [bleep] bitch,
smash a stranger
like that bartender
and go through
a whole stack of condoms.
I don't care what it is.
Just do something!
Yeah, yeah!
Let's do it!
Yeah!
Come on!
Oh, my God!
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
Mm.
Oh.
Tell me more about
this toaster oven.
It holds four slices.
So do I.
[♪♪]
[ Crunching ]
[ Laughing ] Damn!
You look rough.
You need me to grab
that emergency ho bag?
'Cause I know you ain't got on
no clean panties.
Ugh.
Took the interns out
last night.
Uh...
What? Don't worry.
I cussed them
the hell out.
I was beyond Boss Auntie.
I was Boss Betch.
Alright, then.
Go ahead, girl. Pop off.
[ Cellphone chimes repeatedly ]
Damn. I'm blowing up. Mm-hmm.
Did I black out last night
and do another game of
thigh, crease,
or booty meat?
Phoebe Hill
told us to do this!
We love you,
Auntie Phee-Phee!
[ Shattering ]
Woo!
Trash Challenge!
Hey!
Trash Challenge?
When did that
become a thing?
Woo!
[ Bicycle bell rings ]
You told them to
steal a bicycle?
No.
I mean, yes, but I didn't
mean it that way.
[ Crashing ]
Woo!
I'm bleeding!
But check out my Insta!
Like and subscribe!
Here it is.
"Crapping my brains out.
Gonna get abs.
#TraaashChallenge."
I mean,
that does work.
If you drop a deuce, you'll get
like a two-pack for Cancun.
Dude!
This "TrashChallenge"
hashtag
has a butt load of videos
of people doing wild shit
and getting hurt.
Yeah, and they tagged me and
the podcast in every post. Ahh!
People are going to think
this was our idea.
Yeah, because it
was your idea.
Oh, my God.
Parakeet is gonna lose it.
No, I'm just gonna call their
bitch asses and handle it.
Okay, and really be
a Boss Auntie this time,
because this
is a hot mess.
Okay?
[ Squeak ] How is Momo
doing that with his balls?
I mean,
that shows gumption.
Phoebe: I don't know what
got into you last night,
but what y'all did
was hell a inappropes.
And why'd you say I told you
to do all that crap?
You did tell us to do
that stuff.
No, I didn't.
You said no notes,
so I did a voice memo.
Phoebe: Steal a rental bike.
Oh.
Eat dollar pizza,
get diarrhea...
That was, like,
a general philosophy
rather than
a to-do list.
Whatever! It worked.
We got, like, 5,000 followers in
45 minutes, Auntie Phee-Phee.
Don't
"Auntie Phee-Phee" me.
Doing random garbage for
followers ain't it.
And what's the rush?
I didn't even start
"Everything's Trash"
until 12 years after
I dropped out of college.
12 years?
How old are you?
Not Cleo coming with
the shade right now.
Do you know why I stole
that rental bike?
Because I was obsessed with this
hot-ass bike messenger,
and one day, I rode across
the Williamsburg Bridge
to tell him
I loved him.
That is so cute.
It wasn't.
That bike was heavy as hell,
that bridge was all hill,
and bike boy smelled
like hot dog water.
Ew.
Ugh.
The point is,
I was just doing me,
not trying to manufacture
some outcome.
And I get it that in order
to have success,
you gotta have mess, but it
needs to be your mess.
Y'all ain't
writing none of this down?
Last night, y'all were
all about notes,
and now I'm just
dropping gems
and y'all ain't even
scoopin' 'em up.
Phoebs.
I was just sayin'
some smart stuff.
Anyway...
[ Clears throat ]
...you put the company and my
name at risk, so you're fired.
No!
What?
Mmm-yes!
But remember
this moment and use it.
'Cause now it's
a part of your story.
Malika?
Please pack your knives
and go.
[♪♪]
[ Elevator dings ]
Nice work back there,
Boss Auntie.
Thanks.
What's that smile for?
Oh, um, there's just a crazy-ass
sale on Free People.
50% off.
Uh-huh.
They never have
a discount that deep.
What you really
smiling about?
Promise not to judge?
Mm.
I've been looking at some of
Hamilton's old texts.
I know.
I blocked him on
sosh-meds,
but I can't block him
from my "hearrt."
I miss the dumb bitch.
Remember, he is
kind of triflin'.
No, he's not.
Girl, he triflin'.
But, you know, if that's how you
feel, you need to talk to him.
Why are you making me
do hard things?
My name ain't
Glenn on Doyle.
You just did
a hard thing.
You fired three interns.
That was fun.
I felt like a white man.
Then channel that
Logan Paul energy
and go punch Hamilton
in the jangles.
Logan Paul?
That's the only white dude
you could think of?
Mm-mmm. I don't think
about white dudes a lot.
So you gonna call him?
No,
I'm gonna see him.
You can't punch him in
the jangles over the phone.
That's what I'm
talkin' about.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Inhales, exhales deeply ]
Let's do this.
In conclusion, I have
the experience, the chops...
[ Stomach rumbles loudly ]
Mnh!
I'm sorry. Pardon me.
[ Stomach rumbles ]
Continue.
And I haven't fallen
in a river in 10 terms.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you.
[ Applause ]
Mr. Hill,
your final statement.
Well, uh, I'll be quick,
because there is, in fact,
a ton of E. Coli currently doing
backflips in my large intestine.
[ Laughing ]
Now, the reason
the East River is a cesspool
of chemicals and motor oil
and raccoon parts
is because the people
in charge of
taking care of our community
have not lived up
to their promises.
We cannot wait another
10 terms for change.
I am ready to dive in now.
Not into the river.
Please don't ask me
to do that again.
[ Laughter ]
But into serving you and you.
And you.
For the change we need,
for the future we all deserve.
Thank you.
Yeah!
That's my friend!
I know that guy!
[ Applause ]
- Oh, my God.
- You were incredible.
Also, you might be
turning green.
I think I'm dying.
Don't worry.
I'll delete your porn.
Nice job, bro-bro.
Oh, Phoebs,
you made it.
Ooh.
Your breath.
You smell like vom.
You killed it, and I love you,
but you nasty.
But you killed it.
- Bye, y'all.
- Bye!
Alright. Let's get you
away from people.
Get you a bath.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
♪ I'm so into you ♪
♪ But I don't know
where I've been ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ I just want you to ♪
♪ To take me
where your heart is ♪
Your boss
is an asshole.
Yeah.
We should talk.
Okay, fella.
Let's do this.
Well, it's not
that hard to do.
You know, you just find the cadence
and get the rhythms down.
Mmm.
[ As Obama ]
Change is never easy.
But it's always
possible.
[ As Obama ]
Jessie, would you like to
make out with me sometime?
Michelle is cool with it.
[ As Obama ] Uh, Malika,
I'd like to give you
the Congressional Medal
of Having a Great Ass.
My turn. Watch this.
[ In Obama's voice ] It starts
with each of us deciding,
"Here's where I can
make a difference,
in this neighborhood,
this school,
this community,
this city."
[ Normal voice ] What?
Both of our moms
are from Kansas.
---
Damn.
[ Cellphone buzzes ]
[ Message swoops ]
[ Cellphone buzzes ]
You lost your chance to talk,
you dumb bitch.
Ugh! Great.
Now you ruined my night, too,
asshole.
[ Sighs ]
Maybe...
I can save it.
You filthy queen. [ Laughing ]
Ooh!
Jason Momoa.
More like Jason Mm-mm-oa.
[ Laughing ]
[♪♪]
Is your name Aquaman or Sandman?
It's a desert down there.
Know what?
It's time for the big guns.
Regé-Jean Page.
[ Cockney accent ] You could dip
your tea bags in me cup
anytime, mate.
Mmm!
Mm.
Me crumpet is dry, innit?
[ Cellphone buzzes ]
[ Sighs ]
I'll give you this.
Ya blocked.
Mm.
Hm?
Really, bitch?
That's what did it?
Fine, this ho owes me
fapparations, anyway.
Zam, business daddy.
Let's do this.
Talk to me, baby.
I look sexy, huh?
Remember this Hamiconda?
Mm-hmm.
You could've been my date
to Essence Fest,
but you didn't
want to commit.
Because you lied to me about
having a kid, bro!
Ugh!
[ Laptop slams ]
Ugh!
Frederick, I'm sorry, man,
but you're all I have left.
Not again.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
Malika:
So, Hamilton texted,
so you're looking at your
picture, and you jilling off.
Well, technically,
it's blilling,
because I blocked
the bitch,
and then I jilled off
to the bitch I blocked.
So you
finally blocked him?
Mm-hmm.
I'm so proud of you.
[ Crunching ]
Uh-uh!
Damn, Parakeet!
That shit taste like it
was made by
a barefoot white woman wearing
all-natch deodorant.
Mm-hmm.
Ugh. The new interns
are starting today.
I love interns.
They're so cute.
Which one's mine?
None of them, fool.
Parakeet is just looking
for a reason
not to give us
a great deal next season,
so keep it
professional.
I'm always professional.
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Mm-hmm. Ooh! BRB.
Professional!
You got it.
♪ I'm gonna make some friends ♪
♪ I'm gonna make some friends ♪
♪ Interns are so fun ♪
Hiii, goiiiys.
I'm Phoebe.
And can I just say,
y'all are giving me
Sallie Mae Fashion Week
realness.
Especially you, mohawk.
You know what?
I'mma call you Momo.
Actually, you have a fauxhawk,
so I'mma call you Fomomo.
'Cause I have a fear of missing
out on your mohawk.
[ Laughing ]
We love your podcast.
I'm Cleo.
This is Michelle.
And Momo is Justin.
Phoebs, you are
a hero of mine.
A mogul in the making.
We studied your podcast
at school,
and we went to the talk you gave
for Professor George's class.
Is he still fine?
Girl.
So hot.
I would drink
his bath water.
Okay, Momo, we got
the same taste in men.
[ Laughing ]
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Ugh!
My ex won't leave me alone.
Now he's e-mailing me.
Check this out.
"Hey, did you block me?
Can we talk?"
Keep blocking, queen.
He's trash.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Blocked.
Shoot, this has been such a fun
hang, but I gotta bounce.
Aw. Bye,
Auntie Phee-Phee!
Auntie Phee-Phee?
You guys, I'm gettin' emosh.
Bye.
My opponent has an extensive
history of civil service,
but as a longtime
Brooklyn resident,
I have a passion for
my neighborhood.
And its people.
So great.
[ Chuckles ]
But isn't it a town hall?
Those things are
a little looser.
I know.
I'm blowing it, aren't I?
No!
Look, people call you
Baby 'Bama, okay?
Maybe lean into that.
Watch.
Obama rolls up
his sleeves.
He walks around
the stage.
He approaches people
in the audience.
He owns the space.
[ As Obama ]
"Don't boo. Vote.
Yes, we can.
Uh, Malia, did you eat
all the damn cheddar bunnies?"
Sorry, that's just what I
imagine him saying at home
in a... well-fitted T-shirt.
His breath smells like lemons.
Anyway, own the space.
I can do that.
And I'll try it at that
East River event tomorrow.
Yeah, you will.
Own the space.
I know that's right.
Let 'em see my moves.
Ooh, now you're
channeling Barack.
[ As Obama ] We worship an
awesome God in the blue states
and back that ass up
in the red states.
Say that again to me
in the bedroom, Mr. President.
[ Chuckles nervously ]
[♪♪]
So I know you warned me
about the interns,
but listen,
they love me.
They say I'm an icon, a legend,
and the moment.
I mean, Momo's even calling me
Auntie Phee-Phee.
Auntie Phee-Phee?
Are you the boss
or the cool auntie
trying to help her niece
lose her virginity
to the football captain
on your pool table
while they watch
"Dr um line"?
Oh, my God! That's exactly how
I lost my virginity.
Except it was a ping-pong table
and the movie was
"Step Brothers."
Do not get tight
with the interns.
Be Boss Auntie.
Obvi! Boss Auntie is me.
I am her.
Oh, wait, the movie was
actually "Scarface,"
and it was a air-hockey table.
I can still hear
the whooshing.
Now, obviously, an H5
four-track portable recorder
can do the job
for field interviews,
but I prefer to use a standard
dynamic tabletop mic.
It has a cardioid pick-up
pattern,
which is good
for one-on-one interviews.
Hiii, goiiiys.
I bought bear claws
for my little cub-cubs.
Queen,
I can take it from here.
Thanks. I do have a meeting
in, like, 10 minutes.
You can cover
windscreens.
Yes, totally.
I love windscreens.
[ Quietly ]
Remember... Boss Auntie.
Of course.
Bye, guys.
[ Laughing ] Lols.
Snooze-fest, right?
No!
I learned so much.
This is very informative.
Come on.
It's Auntie Phee-Phee.
I was so bored.
I dissociated.
I had to pee
the entire time.
Aww, my sweet, dewy babies,
work is wack.
Let's go out tonight.
Regis Hall, 7:00-ish?
[ Laughing ] Yeah!
Coat your stom-stoms, 'cause we
goin' hard tonight, glug-glug.
Ooh! Actually, I was...
You have it.
Mm-hmm.
This is what mentors hip is.
I can share. [ Laughing ]
This river is filled with
mercury, lead,
copper hydrocarbons.
It's like Stefon says.
[ As Stefon ]
"This club has everything."
[ Normal voice ]
But in... in... in a bad way.
Woof.
Own the space!
Remember?
Back that ass up.
Right. Okay.
[ Clears throat ]
Okay, here's what's up.
Someone's got to give a damn if
we're gonna make a difference.
That's right.
Mm-hmm.
This river used to be clean,
and it can be again
if we put in the work!
Yes!
We can do it for our neighbors!
Yes!
For our kids!
[ Church organ playing ]
If you send me to Albany,
I'll take on the companies
that foul our waters!
Our families deserve to be safe!
Yeah!
They deserve to be healthy!
Yes!
We deserve an accessible
waterfront!
Aah!
[ Crowd gasps ]
Oh, my God! Jayden!
Jayden, I got you!
Jayden!
I got you!
I got you!
Help!
Nope.
That water
don't look right.
Aah!
[ Chanting ]
Momo! Momo! Momo!
Woo!
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Ew!
Hamilton DM'd me
on Linkedln.
How do I even still
have a Linkedln?
You know what? Whatevs.
Ya blocked, bitch!
Block that bitch!
Thank you for
taking us out.
This is really fun.
So, I'm trying to
start a podcast,
and it's taking forever.
I feel like a loser.
I'm so old.
What? You're 21.
Lower your expectations.
I didn't have any
when I started mine.
I just talked about my life
and learned to not pop P's
on the mic like I pop my poon.
Are you taking notes?
You're off the clock, boo-boo.
[ Glass shatters ]
Okay. But, like,
how did you get your followers?
Was it strategic, or did it
happen organically?
I'm trying to build my brand so
I can be taken seriously.
Momo, you're doing homework
at a bar.
You're serious enough.
Oh, snap!
Bitch got dragged.
Unh-unh.
Don't laugh too hard,
'cause I'll come
for you two next.
Do me first.
Guys, we're not at work,
so can we please
let our hair down
and pop our tay-tays out?
[ R&B song starts ]
Ooh! This my song!
I don't know about y'all,
but I'mma dance!
Come on!
[ Cheering ]
[♪♪]
Jayden,
what are you doing?
[ Scoffs ]
Can you scoot over, please?
I thought you wanted me
to take up space.
I wanted you to
take up space on land.
Look, it was terrible,
but it'll blow over.
[ News theme plays ]
Anchor: Tonight, he's running
for public office,
but today, he was
swimming for his life.
Jayden Hill, a candidate for
state assembly in Brooklyn,
fell into the East River.
Oh, God,
now I'm reliving it.
[♪♪]
Whoa, whoa!
[♪♪]
Baby, it's okay!
We can spin this!
Don't say "spin"!
Oh, right!
Um, make it look like
it was planned!
Get back up there!
Okay.
Own the space!
Okay. Alright.
Brooklynites!
[ Helmet thumps ]
My point is that pollution
is no laughing ma...
Ahh!
[ Crowd gasps ]
The daring helicopter rescue
was seen by hundreds of
onlookers.
Ahh! We spoke with people
who witnessed the fall.
Ahh!
I'm sorry... falls.
He swallowed
a bunch of river water.
Michael! Like, honestly,
I hope he's okay.
My cousin, he swallowed
river water on a dare,
and now he can't have kids.
Anchor: Now first...
[ TV turns off ]
Luckily, I didn't swallow
any water, okay?
I kept my mouth closed.
But... then where did
the screaming come from?
[♪♪]
I love that.
Ooh.
That bartender has been
checking you out all night.
You should
jump on that.
He's cute, and he owns
a toaster oven.
Actually, I'm practicing
conscious abstinence
so I can focus
on my career.
So you're just letting a
Charlotte's web grow down there
on purpose?
Alright, guys, tonight has
been amazing, but I'm out.
I want to be sharp
for work tomorrow.
Trying to get me
a job at Parakeet
when this internship is over.
Wait, hold up.
You just started yesterday.
Yeah, stop being trash.
So, who's the person who's in
charge of hiring at Parakeet?
Like, are they in
the office every day
where I can maybe drop in,
get some face time?
You guys, come on.
Just chill out and be young
and dumb and fun and...
[ Keys clicking ]
"Be young and dumb..."
No more notes, Momo!
Woman: Ow!
Just live your damn life!
You know what?
I'mma give you the
"Dead Poets Society" spesh.
You shouldn't...
I got it, okay?
I'mma... I got it.
Ooh, ooh!
Listen, I love you guys.
You're great.
Which is why
I'm begging you to
take your dumb asses
outta here right now.
Yeah, go on.
Make some mistakes.
Don't worry about how
it's all gonna turn out.
Park our off a Toyota Camry.
Steal a rental bike.
Eat dollar pizza, get diarrhea,
and bam!
Six-pack abs!
Or, you gorgeous but
stupid [bleep] bitch,
smash a stranger
like that bartender
and go through
a whole stack of condoms.
I don't care what it is.
Just do something!
Yeah, yeah!
Let's do it!
Yeah!
Come on!
Oh, my God!
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
Mm.
Oh.
Tell me more about
this toaster oven.
It holds four slices.
So do I.
[♪♪]
[ Crunching ]
[ Laughing ] Damn!
You look rough.
You need me to grab
that emergency ho bag?
'Cause I know you ain't got on
no clean panties.
Ugh.
Took the interns out
last night.
Uh...
What? Don't worry.
I cussed them
the hell out.
I was beyond Boss Auntie.
I was Boss Betch.
Alright, then.
Go ahead, girl. Pop off.
[ Cellphone chimes repeatedly ]
Damn. I'm blowing up. Mm-hmm.
Did I black out last night
and do another game of
thigh, crease,
or booty meat?
Phoebe Hill
told us to do this!
We love you,
Auntie Phee-Phee!
[ Shattering ]
Woo!
Trash Challenge!
Hey!
Trash Challenge?
When did that
become a thing?
Woo!
[ Bicycle bell rings ]
You told them to
steal a bicycle?
No.
I mean, yes, but I didn't
mean it that way.
[ Crashing ]
Woo!
I'm bleeding!
But check out my Insta!
Like and subscribe!
Here it is.
"Crapping my brains out.
Gonna get abs.
#TraaashChallenge."
I mean,
that does work.
If you drop a deuce, you'll get
like a two-pack for Cancun.
Dude!
This "TrashChallenge"
hashtag
has a butt load of videos
of people doing wild shit
and getting hurt.
Yeah, and they tagged me and
the podcast in every post. Ahh!
People are going to think
this was our idea.
Yeah, because it
was your idea.
Oh, my God.
Parakeet is gonna lose it.
No, I'm just gonna call their
bitch asses and handle it.
Okay, and really be
a Boss Auntie this time,
because this
is a hot mess.
Okay?
[ Squeak ] How is Momo
doing that with his balls?
I mean,
that shows gumption.
Phoebe: I don't know what
got into you last night,
but what y'all did
was hell a inappropes.
And why'd you say I told you
to do all that crap?
You did tell us to do
that stuff.
No, I didn't.
You said no notes,
so I did a voice memo.
Phoebe: Steal a rental bike.
Oh.
Eat dollar pizza,
get diarrhea...
That was, like,
a general philosophy
rather than
a to-do list.
Whatever! It worked.
We got, like, 5,000 followers in
45 minutes, Auntie Phee-Phee.
Don't
"Auntie Phee-Phee" me.
Doing random garbage for
followers ain't it.
And what's the rush?
I didn't even start
"Everything's Trash"
until 12 years after
I dropped out of college.
12 years?
How old are you?
Not Cleo coming with
the shade right now.
Do you know why I stole
that rental bike?
Because I was obsessed with this
hot-ass bike messenger,
and one day, I rode across
the Williamsburg Bridge
to tell him
I loved him.
That is so cute.
It wasn't.
That bike was heavy as hell,
that bridge was all hill,
and bike boy smelled
like hot dog water.
Ew.
Ugh.
The point is,
I was just doing me,
not trying to manufacture
some outcome.
And I get it that in order
to have success,
you gotta have mess, but it
needs to be your mess.
Y'all ain't
writing none of this down?
Last night, y'all were
all about notes,
and now I'm just
dropping gems
and y'all ain't even
scoopin' 'em up.
Phoebs.
I was just sayin'
some smart stuff.
Anyway...
[ Clears throat ]
...you put the company and my
name at risk, so you're fired.
No!
What?
Mmm-yes!
But remember
this moment and use it.
'Cause now it's
a part of your story.
Malika?
Please pack your knives
and go.
[♪♪]
[ Elevator dings ]
Nice work back there,
Boss Auntie.
Thanks.
What's that smile for?
Oh, um, there's just a crazy-ass
sale on Free People.
50% off.
Uh-huh.
They never have
a discount that deep.
What you really
smiling about?
Promise not to judge?
Mm.
I've been looking at some of
Hamilton's old texts.
I know.
I blocked him on
sosh-meds,
but I can't block him
from my "hearrt."
I miss the dumb bitch.
Remember, he is
kind of triflin'.
No, he's not.
Girl, he triflin'.
But, you know, if that's how you
feel, you need to talk to him.
Why are you making me
do hard things?
My name ain't
Glenn on Doyle.
You just did
a hard thing.
You fired three interns.
That was fun.
I felt like a white man.
Then channel that
Logan Paul energy
and go punch Hamilton
in the jangles.
Logan Paul?
That's the only white dude
you could think of?
Mm-mmm. I don't think
about white dudes a lot.
So you gonna call him?
No,
I'm gonna see him.
You can't punch him in
the jangles over the phone.
That's what I'm
talkin' about.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Inhales, exhales deeply ]
Let's do this.
In conclusion, I have
the experience, the chops...
[ Stomach rumbles loudly ]
Mnh!
I'm sorry. Pardon me.
[ Stomach rumbles ]
Continue.
And I haven't fallen
in a river in 10 terms.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you.
[ Applause ]
Mr. Hill,
your final statement.
Well, uh, I'll be quick,
because there is, in fact,
a ton of E. Coli currently doing
backflips in my large intestine.
[ Laughing ]
Now, the reason
the East River is a cesspool
of chemicals and motor oil
and raccoon parts
is because the people
in charge of
taking care of our community
have not lived up
to their promises.
We cannot wait another
10 terms for change.
I am ready to dive in now.
Not into the river.
Please don't ask me
to do that again.
[ Laughter ]
But into serving you and you.
And you.
For the change we need,
for the future we all deserve.
Thank you.
Yeah!
That's my friend!
I know that guy!
[ Applause ]
- Oh, my God.
- You were incredible.
Also, you might be
turning green.
I think I'm dying.
Don't worry.
I'll delete your porn.
Nice job, bro-bro.
Oh, Phoebs,
you made it.
Ooh.
Your breath.
You smell like vom.
You killed it, and I love you,
but you nasty.
But you killed it.
- Bye, y'all.
- Bye!
Alright. Let's get you
away from people.
Get you a bath.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
♪ I'm so into you ♪
♪ But I don't know
where I've been ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ I just want you to ♪
♪ To take me
where your heart is ♪
Your boss
is an asshole.
Yeah.
We should talk.
Okay, fella.
Let's do this.
Well, it's not
that hard to do.
You know, you just find the cadence
and get the rhythms down.
Mmm.
[ As Obama ]
Change is never easy.
But it's always
possible.
[ As Obama ]
Jessie, would you like to
make out with me sometime?
Michelle is cool with it.
[ As Obama ] Uh, Malika,
I'd like to give you
the Congressional Medal
of Having a Great Ass.
My turn. Watch this.
[ In Obama's voice ] It starts
with each of us deciding,
"Here's where I can
make a difference,
in this neighborhood,
this school,
this community,
this city."
[ Normal voice ] What?
Both of our moms
are from Kansas.