Everything's Trash (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Episode #1.7 - full transcript
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---
Hold up.
So you saying you would pass
on smashing Leo DiCap
in a fogged-up
Coupe de Ville
'cause he can't
give you a future?
Yeah.
He love-bombed Rose!
See, that's why I give a hard
pass to these young bucks.
Okay, but the older guys
are trash, too.
Like, I hate when a guy
you're 69'ing
doesn't tell you he has a kid
who's between 6 and 9.
A little context
for today's listeners...
Today's episode is
about scorned lovers.
Yep! And until I get
some deece love IRL,
I'mma watch it on my TV
while wearing period panties.
Nope.
Life is hard enough without
rom-come giving me false hope.
Mm-hmm.
That's why you need
to get your coochie
off the bench!
Unh-unh!
Uh-huh!
Girl, I'mma about to hook
your ass up with a phat dong.
[ Scoffs ] What?
[ Hand thuds ]
Okay. There's something
about Mary...
I mean, Michael.
That is
"Notting Hill,"
and I'm so glad you let me
pop your rom-com cherry.
Oh, my God!
I loved that so much!
I mean, you didn't think he was
gonna end up with her,
and then he did!
He's packing!
And you need to tap that.
Unh, uh, Michael?
Girl, it's so big,
it'd probably break the scale
at a deli counter.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
Hello?
Are you hearing me?
Oh, mm-hmm, yeah.
Business e-mails, you know.
Mm-hmm.
[ Sighs ]
Damn.
Check out this LLC.
Or should I say "BBC"?
Mm?
Wait.
This dude looks famils.
That's my ex, Damien.
The NFL player.
Oh, yeah, from BP-times.
That's "Before Phoebe,"
when your life was nothing
but unseasoned grits.
Whatever.
God, I used to fly all over
the country to watch him play.
Hoo! It was so fun.
Well, why did you throw out
that grade-A NFL beef, then?
Because he was living out
his dream,
but I didn't know
what mine was.
So we fought...
A lot... and broke up.
But that's all
in the past.
I mean, your best dong days
are ahead of you.
With Michael!
Anyways,
Damien is back
in Brooklyn,
and guess what, girl... he has
a soul-food bagel café.
Barf!
Ugh, look how fine he is,
showing off these
sweet-potato bagel sandwiches
with collard-green cream cheese
and country-style pork ribs. Mm.
Let me see.
Gi...
Okay, fine.
The dude's
all right.
But Michael's got the stuff,
and he could be here
in like 14 minutes.
Nuh-unh! You accidentally
liked his picture!
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Uh, and he just DM'd me.
Nope.
Ugh!
Get over it.
You need to forget
about Bagel Dude.
Look, I've tried, but...
I don't know...
Sometimes I wonder
if he's the one that got away.
[ Sighs ]
- Ooh!
- Look!
If you're worried
about getting injured
by the worth
of Michael's girth,
I can always help you apply
for worker's comp or something.
Do you even know
what that means?
- No idea.
- [ Chuckles ]
[♪♪]
Look, if this'll get you
to leave me alone,
I'll do the Michael thing,
but only if he's really into it.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you so much
for the gift of Malika!
Okay, can you please don't refer
to a Black woman as a gift.
Wow. Interracial love is
a minefield.
[ Gasps ]
Drinks are up.
Why are you pushing Malika
towards Michael?
Isn't Malika amazing
and Michael's like
an overflowing trash can
outside a Knicks game?
Ooh!
Red pill or blue?
Oh, hell yeah.
Here we go.
Red! Michael's
got a big ol' peen.
Blue.
Here we go.
- Celebration time.
- Yeah.
[♪♪]
Oh. Did you want a bite
of this, bro?
[ Chuckles ] No, no.
I'm comfortable with my own
gherkin, thank you very much.
Oh, come on, man.
Don't be shy.
Get your lips around this.
[ Chuckles awkwardly ]
First bite.
Mmm! Ooh!
Juice popped right
down my throat.
Oh, it's so big!
Hey, hun,
can you pour me a tea?
[ Scoffs ] "Hun"?
What, are you, like, a waitress
at a Waffle House
in Oklahoma?
What's wrong with "hun"?
Whatever happened
to my old nickname?
What nickname?
You know...
"Monstro"?
[ Chuckles ]
Because you said it was
very impressive...
in that way.
You are!
Just because I don't say it
doesn't mean I don't think it.
But do you
still think it?
Because when you called me
Monstro, I felt hot.
You know, our sex life
used to be fire.
But now?
Mm.
You're right.
But we could heat
things back up.
Yeah?
How about now?
Now's not good at all.
- But this weekend...
- Mm.
...a little
"Monstro and me" time.
See?
I'm putting it in my calendar
for Sunday.
I don't know.
I mean, isn't penciling in my D,
like, depressing AF?
That's fair.
Okay. Maybe we should be
a little spontaneous.
Starting now, it could pop off
at any moment.
[ Chuckling ] Okay.
I said this is
a terrible time.
Okay, well, I'm just gonna
clean my glasses.
Okay.
Malika:
So, this is his gym.
Yeah, ooh! There he is,
there he is.
That's him?
Yep.
Oh, I get it.
This isn't a real date.
You're just pulling
a "Forgetting Sarah Marshall."
I'm just here to make
your ex jealous.
Damn straight!
That Negro left me on "read,"
so I'm here to leave him
on "read" IRL.
Yeah, and then you leave me
on "read,"
and then I leave you
on "read,"
and then we leave each other
on "read"
till we end up
together.
I can wait.
You know, today,
I'm Owen Wilson,
but tomorrow,
I'm Luke Wilson.
Whatever.
Just do what I tell you.
Okay. It's time.
Be cute.
I got the rest.
Michael [chuckles]
you know I'm tickl...
Oh, I'm so sorry!
Oh, I'm so sorry!
Damien?
Malika?
[ Gasps ]
[ Gasps ]
W-Where did you
come from?
This is my gym.
No.
Yeah.
Th...
Hey. How you doing?
Uh.
Oh, hey, Michael.
I've actually seen your gym
from my helicopter.
Oh, go stand over there.
Oh, yeah.
Anyway,
I should get going.
I gotta call my tailor,
yell at him.
He made my pockets
on my suits too small.
Can't fit my cash.
What's up,
you son of a bitch?
Malika: Don't worry about him.
[ Chuckles ]
Wow, you... you look great.
I am great.
And, uh,
work's great, too.
You know, I'm just e-mail this,
edit that, book this guest.
Just a crazy, busy, full,
zany life, you know,
podcasting and stuff
and telling people what to do.
Well, you deserve
everything you have.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to stare.
No.
I just...
I can't believe you're here.
[ Chuckles ]
Like, this is amazing.
What do you mean you don't have
room for my money?
You're a bank.
Michael, he seems
like a good dude.
He...
My ears are ringing.
[ Laughs ] Oh, no!
I-I'm not with him.
Unh-unh.
Uh, you gotta go.
You just leave,
just... yep.
T-Thanks, though.
[ Whispers ] See ya later.
[ Chuckles ]
Sorry about that.
Everything all right?
Yeah.
You know, I do community service
for, you know,
kids at the
after-school program.
He's one of the kids, so...
[ Chuckles ]
It's good to see you.
It's good to see you,
too.
Wanna go grab
a cup of coffee?
Let's go get some coffee.
[♪♪]
You used Michael
to get back with your ex?
Why? I mean,
you said it yourself.
It's gonna be all about
Damien and his career again.
Damien's changed.
And so have I.
[ Sighs ] Real talk...
It kinda feels like it's all
about Phoebe Hill right now.
Look, I just don't think
a do-over with Bagel Bae
is worth passing on
Michael's banana in pajamas.
OMG, I get it!
Michael has a big D.
Yes!
And also, he's cute
and attentive.
He's kinda smart,
and he's so funny.
And he would totally
put you first.
[ Chuckles ]
Bish, really?
Let me hit you
with your own rom-com logic.
He's your roommate.
Y-Yeah.
Who drives you crazy
half the time.
I mean, sure.
Like in "Clueless"?
Mm, doesn't ring a bell.
Uh-huh.
I'm sorry to be the one
to have to tell you this,
but, uh, I think you might
have feelings for Michael.
What?
- No.
- Mm-hmm.
What?
No.
No! What?!
Look at me and Michael,
we're so cute together.
How did I miss that?
How did you miss what?
Michael?
You're so handsome
and tall.
Well, I'm standing
on my penis.
[ Screams ]
[ Breathes heavily ]
It's about to pop off.
[ Water running ]
[♪♪]
Bam, baby! Oh! [ Screams ]
N-No, aah!
I'm trying to poop! No,
no, no, no! I'm so sorry!
I was trying to be spontaneous!
Close the door!
Close the... It's okay!
We'll get it next time!
[ Laughs ] Trash Army,
thank you so much
for all your responses
to my emergency tweet
regarding
sex dreams about friends.
Well, now,
I have a question.
Did you enjoy this dream
about your friend?
Maybe. I don't know.
It's just a dream.
You don't act on dreams.
Look, all I'm saying is,
I'm ready for you
to stop playing a game of
"Pass the Peen" with me
and instead hold onto it
and see what it do.
- Okay.
- Mm!
Food for thought.
Huh.
That's Malika Jones.
I'm Phoebe Hill.
"Everything's Trash."
Bye!
Uh, where you going?
To act on my dream.
Hi, Bagel Boy.
Bye, Bagel Boy.
[♪♪]
Did somebody order
the best soul-food bagels
for the best podcast producer
in all of New York?
[ Chuckles ]
Seriously,
you're amazing.
Aww. [ Chuckles ]
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Mr. Midas ♪
♪ One touch will turn
your world to gold ♪
Oh!
Got it.
Was you scared?
Yeah, I was scared.
Wouldn't you be?
♪ Whole city
under his control ♪
[ Door opens ]
Michael: Hey. What's up?
[ Door shuts ]
Oh, me?
Just eating dark chocolate
and oysters.
You want?
Nah, dark chocolate's
too bitter
and oysters just always make me
think about having hot,
passionate sex with
the nearest woman, so soft pass.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
It's so hot in here.
You're right.
Crack a window.
No!
I like it hot.
It's stuck.
What the heck's happening
right now?
I saw your long john,
and now all I can think
about is boning you.
Wait. What?
I mean, what if we're besties
who are supposed to be together,
like when Harry met Sally
or when love met basketball?
Oh! Right?
And, like, this is the moment
in the rom-com we realize, like,
"Oh, my God,
you've been there all along!"
Yeah.
Phoebe, why didn't you
say anything?
I'll fill you up
right now!
Marnie: Welcome back.
We're...
the Murder Gals.
Gretchen: The Murder Gals.
Okay, guys, warning... this
next part gets really graphic.
With the very same knife
she used to make dinner,
he chopped her up.
Hey.
[ Screams ]
[ Screams ]
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
You stabbed me!
Oh, my God!
It's okay.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
It's okay, it's okay.
We can still make it sex...
Oh, my God, careful!
[ Body thuds ]
Oh, my God!
♪ Daylight come too soon
and I want you ♪
♪ I'd be lying if I said
I didn't love you ♪
You know,
it's not every day
you get a second chance
with someone.
Well, I'm not
an everyday woman.
[ Both chuckle ]
[ Sighs ] 'Lika, I know
this place ain't much,
but I'mma turn it
into something.
Something you could
be proud of.
I never thought
I'd see the day.
Oh, here we go.
Two-time Pro Bowler...
Yes.
...Damien Washington
having a moment of humility.
[ Chuckles ]
This place is amazing,
and you know it.
You just showing off?
I was showing off
when I saved you
from that football.
Ooh, please.
I let you save me.
Oh, yeah?
Uh-huh.
Well, who gonna save you
from me now?
[ Chuckles ]
Okay. Smooth.
♪ You're my lover
and my best friend ♪
♪ Miss you every time
you leave ♪
Hey, um,
so, this is happening.
Hell, yeah,
it's happening.
[ Gasps ]
Oh.
Sorry. I mean, um...
[ Moans ] Yeah.
This is hot.
Um, music.
We should just put
some music on.
We're gonna be
making the music.
You know, it goes slap,
slap, slap, ow!
Okay, so no music, then.
Cool.
[ Fingers snap ]
Ooh!
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Oh, no.
Why you doing that?
What? It's perfume.
It adds, like,
an erotic vibe.
Th-That... That's the exact
perfume that my mom uses.
That's not gonna work.
God, I hope
that doesn't work.
Look, this shouldn't
be this hard.
Why don't we just do
what we know how to do?
Yes.
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
[ Bell chimes ]
Sorry, but my bike
has to be in the room for...
Wait.
That's how you start?
Don't judge me.
Bicycles make you horny?
Bikes don't
make me horny, okay?
I just didn't want it
to get stolen,
so I have
to bring it in.
You know what? Why are you
making this so weird?
I am not
making it weird.
You're the one
that's making this weird.
You brought a bike
into the bedroom!
You were the one that was laid
out flat like the cold open
of a "Law & Order"
episode.
This is the moment in a rom-com
where we get so turned on
by all this fighting that we
just lose control and [bleep]
Exactly!
Act two midpoint!
Just... bah! Go!
Yes!
[ Groans ] No!
God! That was wrong.
That was so wrong.
We should've never done this!
[♪♪]
Woman: Thank you so much.
Hey.
I'm sorry last night
was so cray cray.
Come on, dude,
it's me and you.
We've been through crazier shit
than last night.
Yeah, it's true.
Oh, remember that time
I tried to shoplift
all those bottles of Malibu
in my bra?
Right? And the security guard
totally stopped you.
I was like, "No, that's just
the shape of her knockers."
[ Both laugh ]
Oh, oh, oh!
Okay, okay.
I don't know if you
remember this, but...
What?
Remember that time you brought
the bike into the bedroom
when you were gonna
have sex with me?
Yeah.
[ Both laugh ]
I love you, dude.
I love you, too, dude.
So, uh [sighs]
I guess this is the moment
in the rom-com
where we realize
we should just be friends
for the rest
of our lives.
Act three resolution.
Mm.
[♪♪]
- Nah.
- Nah.
- Nah, no.
- [ Laughs ]
Wanna watch
"Happy Endings"?
Yeah, let me just finish
this beheading video.
I'm so glad I didn't
have sex with you.
[♪♪]
Mm, wow!
That is the best
night of sleep
I have ever had
on a deflated air mattress
in the back
of a bagel café.
- [ Chuckles ]
- [ Laughs ]
Nah, I couldn't sleep,
either.
So I woke up early, got to
working on my secret ingredient.
Mm.
Can you guess what it is?
I don't know.
Are you keeping it
in your pants?
[ Both laugh ]
Hot sauce.
Grandma Vera's recipe.
- [ Gasps ] No!
- Yeah.
Wait.
She shared a recipe?
Yes, she did.
'Cause when I wanted to make you
her five-cheese mac and cheese,
she pulled a pistol...
Yeah.
...outta her bra and said,
"I'm not afraid to do a bid."
[ Both laugh ]
I remember that.
God,
I miss that old bird.
Mm.
You know, there's a box
of family recipes
waiting for you, right?
Mm.
What you talking about?
Just imagine
what could happen...
Mm-hmm.
...if you applied your mind
to my business.
Come on.
[ Chuckles ]
I'm not sure I follow.
Check it.
See the hot sauce, right?
Uh-huh.
I'mma apply this hot sauce
to this dough.
Pow, pow, pow.
[ Chuckles ]
I'mma fold it in.
Because, just like you,
this hot sauce
is the most important
part in my recipe.
So, wait. The hot sauce
just gets absorbed?
Of course it absorbs in.
It adds to the recipe.
It just doesn't
overpower it.
See?
Damien, stop.
Stop folding, please.
What's up?
[ Sighs ]
Um, I've been
pretty clear that,
um, I've got
my own thing going on.
I mean, and you said
you're happy things
are taking off for me, so...
Yeah, I am.
I just think
that podcasting
is not using
all of your abilities.
Then you don't
know me at all.
'Cause I-I finally figured
out my dreams, Damien.
And I am the happiest, boldest,
baddest bitch I've ever been.
[ Sighs ]
'Lika, no, look...
No, you're...
You're a lovely guy...
You are...
But I don't want to be
the hot sauce
that just disappears.
Wow.
Good luck with the café.
I want those cornbread bagels
to soar.
Really.
[♪♪]
Wow.
Malika.
Malika: So, yeah,
Damien wasn't ready.
But let's talk about you
and Michael.
Come on, spill the tea
about the sausage.
[ Chuckles ]
Well,
we tried and failed.
[ Gasps ]
We ended up laugh-gasming,
so I think that means
we're supposed to be friends.
Well, you may not have
gotten the big "D",
but I did bring you
the big "B".
Snagged you
a cornbread bagel sammich
with salt pork cream cheese
and black-eyed peas.
Mmm!
Being that I'm a Black woman
who wants to hang
onto both her feet, no.
Just try it.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm, mmm.
Oh, bitch!
You need to go
get your man back...
[ Laughs ]
...give up your life,
and give him
a bunch of ashy babies.
I'mma hide all the lotion.
This good!
I know.
Mmm!
For real, though, you, um...
You don't wanna drag me
just a little bit
for losing myself with Damien?
That's not how I roll.
Besides [sighs]
you were right.
I was all up
in your grill,
because I didn't want to deal
with my own shit, so sorry.
'Cause I don't know,
it was... it was kinda nice
getting back out there again.
So maybe... maybe...
You can set me up
with someone new?
[ Squeals ]
Blemma's back!
Okay, okay, okay.
What are you looking for
in a boyfriend?
Or a girlfriend.
Ooh!
Mm-hmm.
Okay, a partner.
You know, if we were
in a rom-com,
you would find your next fling
right here in this park.
If we were in a rom-com,
I'd be getting proposed
to right now.
Oh.
Gotchu.
[ Clears throat ]
What you doing?
Malika Jones, do you accept
this sweet-potato bagel
to be
your carb-loaded cuisine,
to enjoy with
your podcast partner in crime,
Phoebe Hill...
Mm-hmm.
...for as long
as you both shall lunch?
[ Gasps ]
Ooh, girl!
[ Body thuds ]
I didn't drop the bagel.
I didn't drop the bagel.
There you go.
Where are you?
This was your idea
to see Dr. Barrera.
Do we really need
couples therapy?
Jessie:
I'll be there in a minute.
- Just go in.
- [ Sighs ]
[ Cellphone beeps ]
[ Sighs ]
[♪♪]
Wait.
What's... What's going on?
Where's Dr. Barrera?
Puerto Rico.
I've been watering
her plant.
Oh, it's really dry.
You haven't been doing
a very good job.
It could use a little less sun,
I think.
[ Clears throat ] Jayden.
Hmm?
Sweetie.
♪ I'mma leave the door open ♪
Oh, uh.
Get over here, Monstro.
All right.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh! [ Chuckles ]
[ Chuckling ]
Oh, easy, tiger.
Oh, boy. Mm. Wow.
Well done, wifey.
This is so spontaneous.
Although, you know, I did have
a list of things to go over
with Dr. Barrera and...
Stop talking.
- Okay.
- Glasses.
Mm, yes, of course.
- Hands here.
- Mm. Mm!
---
Hold up.
So you saying you would pass
on smashing Leo DiCap
in a fogged-up
Coupe de Ville
'cause he can't
give you a future?
Yeah.
He love-bombed Rose!
See, that's why I give a hard
pass to these young bucks.
Okay, but the older guys
are trash, too.
Like, I hate when a guy
you're 69'ing
doesn't tell you he has a kid
who's between 6 and 9.
A little context
for today's listeners...
Today's episode is
about scorned lovers.
Yep! And until I get
some deece love IRL,
I'mma watch it on my TV
while wearing period panties.
Nope.
Life is hard enough without
rom-come giving me false hope.
Mm-hmm.
That's why you need
to get your coochie
off the bench!
Unh-unh!
Uh-huh!
Girl, I'mma about to hook
your ass up with a phat dong.
[ Scoffs ] What?
[ Hand thuds ]
Okay. There's something
about Mary...
I mean, Michael.
That is
"Notting Hill,"
and I'm so glad you let me
pop your rom-com cherry.
Oh, my God!
I loved that so much!
I mean, you didn't think he was
gonna end up with her,
and then he did!
He's packing!
And you need to tap that.
Unh, uh, Michael?
Girl, it's so big,
it'd probably break the scale
at a deli counter.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
Hello?
Are you hearing me?
Oh, mm-hmm, yeah.
Business e-mails, you know.
Mm-hmm.
[ Sighs ]
Damn.
Check out this LLC.
Or should I say "BBC"?
Mm?
Wait.
This dude looks famils.
That's my ex, Damien.
The NFL player.
Oh, yeah, from BP-times.
That's "Before Phoebe,"
when your life was nothing
but unseasoned grits.
Whatever.
God, I used to fly all over
the country to watch him play.
Hoo! It was so fun.
Well, why did you throw out
that grade-A NFL beef, then?
Because he was living out
his dream,
but I didn't know
what mine was.
So we fought...
A lot... and broke up.
But that's all
in the past.
I mean, your best dong days
are ahead of you.
With Michael!
Anyways,
Damien is back
in Brooklyn,
and guess what, girl... he has
a soul-food bagel café.
Barf!
Ugh, look how fine he is,
showing off these
sweet-potato bagel sandwiches
with collard-green cream cheese
and country-style pork ribs. Mm.
Let me see.
Gi...
Okay, fine.
The dude's
all right.
But Michael's got the stuff,
and he could be here
in like 14 minutes.
Nuh-unh! You accidentally
liked his picture!
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Uh, and he just DM'd me.
Nope.
Ugh!
Get over it.
You need to forget
about Bagel Dude.
Look, I've tried, but...
I don't know...
Sometimes I wonder
if he's the one that got away.
[ Sighs ]
- Ooh!
- Look!
If you're worried
about getting injured
by the worth
of Michael's girth,
I can always help you apply
for worker's comp or something.
Do you even know
what that means?
- No idea.
- [ Chuckles ]
[♪♪]
Look, if this'll get you
to leave me alone,
I'll do the Michael thing,
but only if he's really into it.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you so much
for the gift of Malika!
Okay, can you please don't refer
to a Black woman as a gift.
Wow. Interracial love is
a minefield.
[ Gasps ]
Drinks are up.
Why are you pushing Malika
towards Michael?
Isn't Malika amazing
and Michael's like
an overflowing trash can
outside a Knicks game?
Ooh!
Red pill or blue?
Oh, hell yeah.
Here we go.
Red! Michael's
got a big ol' peen.
Blue.
Here we go.
- Celebration time.
- Yeah.
[♪♪]
Oh. Did you want a bite
of this, bro?
[ Chuckles ] No, no.
I'm comfortable with my own
gherkin, thank you very much.
Oh, come on, man.
Don't be shy.
Get your lips around this.
[ Chuckles awkwardly ]
First bite.
Mmm! Ooh!
Juice popped right
down my throat.
Oh, it's so big!
Hey, hun,
can you pour me a tea?
[ Scoffs ] "Hun"?
What, are you, like, a waitress
at a Waffle House
in Oklahoma?
What's wrong with "hun"?
Whatever happened
to my old nickname?
What nickname?
You know...
"Monstro"?
[ Chuckles ]
Because you said it was
very impressive...
in that way.
You are!
Just because I don't say it
doesn't mean I don't think it.
But do you
still think it?
Because when you called me
Monstro, I felt hot.
You know, our sex life
used to be fire.
But now?
Mm.
You're right.
But we could heat
things back up.
Yeah?
How about now?
Now's not good at all.
- But this weekend...
- Mm.
...a little
"Monstro and me" time.
See?
I'm putting it in my calendar
for Sunday.
I don't know.
I mean, isn't penciling in my D,
like, depressing AF?
That's fair.
Okay. Maybe we should be
a little spontaneous.
Starting now, it could pop off
at any moment.
[ Chuckling ] Okay.
I said this is
a terrible time.
Okay, well, I'm just gonna
clean my glasses.
Okay.
Malika:
So, this is his gym.
Yeah, ooh! There he is,
there he is.
That's him?
Yep.
Oh, I get it.
This isn't a real date.
You're just pulling
a "Forgetting Sarah Marshall."
I'm just here to make
your ex jealous.
Damn straight!
That Negro left me on "read,"
so I'm here to leave him
on "read" IRL.
Yeah, and then you leave me
on "read,"
and then I leave you
on "read,"
and then we leave each other
on "read"
till we end up
together.
I can wait.
You know, today,
I'm Owen Wilson,
but tomorrow,
I'm Luke Wilson.
Whatever.
Just do what I tell you.
Okay. It's time.
Be cute.
I got the rest.
Michael [chuckles]
you know I'm tickl...
Oh, I'm so sorry!
Oh, I'm so sorry!
Damien?
Malika?
[ Gasps ]
[ Gasps ]
W-Where did you
come from?
This is my gym.
No.
Yeah.
Th...
Hey. How you doing?
Uh.
Oh, hey, Michael.
I've actually seen your gym
from my helicopter.
Oh, go stand over there.
Oh, yeah.
Anyway,
I should get going.
I gotta call my tailor,
yell at him.
He made my pockets
on my suits too small.
Can't fit my cash.
What's up,
you son of a bitch?
Malika: Don't worry about him.
[ Chuckles ]
Wow, you... you look great.
I am great.
And, uh,
work's great, too.
You know, I'm just e-mail this,
edit that, book this guest.
Just a crazy, busy, full,
zany life, you know,
podcasting and stuff
and telling people what to do.
Well, you deserve
everything you have.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to stare.
No.
I just...
I can't believe you're here.
[ Chuckles ]
Like, this is amazing.
What do you mean you don't have
room for my money?
You're a bank.
Michael, he seems
like a good dude.
He...
My ears are ringing.
[ Laughs ] Oh, no!
I-I'm not with him.
Unh-unh.
Uh, you gotta go.
You just leave,
just... yep.
T-Thanks, though.
[ Whispers ] See ya later.
[ Chuckles ]
Sorry about that.
Everything all right?
Yeah.
You know, I do community service
for, you know,
kids at the
after-school program.
He's one of the kids, so...
[ Chuckles ]
It's good to see you.
It's good to see you,
too.
Wanna go grab
a cup of coffee?
Let's go get some coffee.
[♪♪]
You used Michael
to get back with your ex?
Why? I mean,
you said it yourself.
It's gonna be all about
Damien and his career again.
Damien's changed.
And so have I.
[ Sighs ] Real talk...
It kinda feels like it's all
about Phoebe Hill right now.
Look, I just don't think
a do-over with Bagel Bae
is worth passing on
Michael's banana in pajamas.
OMG, I get it!
Michael has a big D.
Yes!
And also, he's cute
and attentive.
He's kinda smart,
and he's so funny.
And he would totally
put you first.
[ Chuckles ]
Bish, really?
Let me hit you
with your own rom-com logic.
He's your roommate.
Y-Yeah.
Who drives you crazy
half the time.
I mean, sure.
Like in "Clueless"?
Mm, doesn't ring a bell.
Uh-huh.
I'm sorry to be the one
to have to tell you this,
but, uh, I think you might
have feelings for Michael.
What?
- No.
- Mm-hmm.
What?
No.
No! What?!
Look at me and Michael,
we're so cute together.
How did I miss that?
How did you miss what?
Michael?
You're so handsome
and tall.
Well, I'm standing
on my penis.
[ Screams ]
[ Breathes heavily ]
It's about to pop off.
[ Water running ]
[♪♪]
Bam, baby! Oh! [ Screams ]
N-No, aah!
I'm trying to poop! No,
no, no, no! I'm so sorry!
I was trying to be spontaneous!
Close the door!
Close the... It's okay!
We'll get it next time!
[ Laughs ] Trash Army,
thank you so much
for all your responses
to my emergency tweet
regarding
sex dreams about friends.
Well, now,
I have a question.
Did you enjoy this dream
about your friend?
Maybe. I don't know.
It's just a dream.
You don't act on dreams.
Look, all I'm saying is,
I'm ready for you
to stop playing a game of
"Pass the Peen" with me
and instead hold onto it
and see what it do.
- Okay.
- Mm!
Food for thought.
Huh.
That's Malika Jones.
I'm Phoebe Hill.
"Everything's Trash."
Bye!
Uh, where you going?
To act on my dream.
Hi, Bagel Boy.
Bye, Bagel Boy.
[♪♪]
Did somebody order
the best soul-food bagels
for the best podcast producer
in all of New York?
[ Chuckles ]
Seriously,
you're amazing.
Aww. [ Chuckles ]
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Mr. Midas ♪
♪ One touch will turn
your world to gold ♪
Oh!
Got it.
Was you scared?
Yeah, I was scared.
Wouldn't you be?
♪ Whole city
under his control ♪
[ Door opens ]
Michael: Hey. What's up?
[ Door shuts ]
Oh, me?
Just eating dark chocolate
and oysters.
You want?
Nah, dark chocolate's
too bitter
and oysters just always make me
think about having hot,
passionate sex with
the nearest woman, so soft pass.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
It's so hot in here.
You're right.
Crack a window.
No!
I like it hot.
It's stuck.
What the heck's happening
right now?
I saw your long john,
and now all I can think
about is boning you.
Wait. What?
I mean, what if we're besties
who are supposed to be together,
like when Harry met Sally
or when love met basketball?
Oh! Right?
And, like, this is the moment
in the rom-com we realize, like,
"Oh, my God,
you've been there all along!"
Yeah.
Phoebe, why didn't you
say anything?
I'll fill you up
right now!
Marnie: Welcome back.
We're...
the Murder Gals.
Gretchen: The Murder Gals.
Okay, guys, warning... this
next part gets really graphic.
With the very same knife
she used to make dinner,
he chopped her up.
Hey.
[ Screams ]
[ Screams ]
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
You stabbed me!
Oh, my God!
It's okay.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
It's okay, it's okay.
We can still make it sex...
Oh, my God, careful!
[ Body thuds ]
Oh, my God!
♪ Daylight come too soon
and I want you ♪
♪ I'd be lying if I said
I didn't love you ♪
You know,
it's not every day
you get a second chance
with someone.
Well, I'm not
an everyday woman.
[ Both chuckle ]
[ Sighs ] 'Lika, I know
this place ain't much,
but I'mma turn it
into something.
Something you could
be proud of.
I never thought
I'd see the day.
Oh, here we go.
Two-time Pro Bowler...
Yes.
...Damien Washington
having a moment of humility.
[ Chuckles ]
This place is amazing,
and you know it.
You just showing off?
I was showing off
when I saved you
from that football.
Ooh, please.
I let you save me.
Oh, yeah?
Uh-huh.
Well, who gonna save you
from me now?
[ Chuckles ]
Okay. Smooth.
♪ You're my lover
and my best friend ♪
♪ Miss you every time
you leave ♪
Hey, um,
so, this is happening.
Hell, yeah,
it's happening.
[ Gasps ]
Oh.
Sorry. I mean, um...
[ Moans ] Yeah.
This is hot.
Um, music.
We should just put
some music on.
We're gonna be
making the music.
You know, it goes slap,
slap, slap, ow!
Okay, so no music, then.
Cool.
[ Fingers snap ]
Ooh!
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Oh, no.
Why you doing that?
What? It's perfume.
It adds, like,
an erotic vibe.
Th-That... That's the exact
perfume that my mom uses.
That's not gonna work.
God, I hope
that doesn't work.
Look, this shouldn't
be this hard.
Why don't we just do
what we know how to do?
Yes.
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
[ Bell chimes ]
Sorry, but my bike
has to be in the room for...
Wait.
That's how you start?
Don't judge me.
Bicycles make you horny?
Bikes don't
make me horny, okay?
I just didn't want it
to get stolen,
so I have
to bring it in.
You know what? Why are you
making this so weird?
I am not
making it weird.
You're the one
that's making this weird.
You brought a bike
into the bedroom!
You were the one that was laid
out flat like the cold open
of a "Law & Order"
episode.
This is the moment in a rom-com
where we get so turned on
by all this fighting that we
just lose control and [bleep]
Exactly!
Act two midpoint!
Just... bah! Go!
Yes!
[ Groans ] No!
God! That was wrong.
That was so wrong.
We should've never done this!
[♪♪]
Woman: Thank you so much.
Hey.
I'm sorry last night
was so cray cray.
Come on, dude,
it's me and you.
We've been through crazier shit
than last night.
Yeah, it's true.
Oh, remember that time
I tried to shoplift
all those bottles of Malibu
in my bra?
Right? And the security guard
totally stopped you.
I was like, "No, that's just
the shape of her knockers."
[ Both laugh ]
Oh, oh, oh!
Okay, okay.
I don't know if you
remember this, but...
What?
Remember that time you brought
the bike into the bedroom
when you were gonna
have sex with me?
Yeah.
[ Both laugh ]
I love you, dude.
I love you, too, dude.
So, uh [sighs]
I guess this is the moment
in the rom-com
where we realize
we should just be friends
for the rest
of our lives.
Act three resolution.
Mm.
[♪♪]
- Nah.
- Nah.
- Nah, no.
- [ Laughs ]
Wanna watch
"Happy Endings"?
Yeah, let me just finish
this beheading video.
I'm so glad I didn't
have sex with you.
[♪♪]
Mm, wow!
That is the best
night of sleep
I have ever had
on a deflated air mattress
in the back
of a bagel café.
- [ Chuckles ]
- [ Laughs ]
Nah, I couldn't sleep,
either.
So I woke up early, got to
working on my secret ingredient.
Mm.
Can you guess what it is?
I don't know.
Are you keeping it
in your pants?
[ Both laugh ]
Hot sauce.
Grandma Vera's recipe.
- [ Gasps ] No!
- Yeah.
Wait.
She shared a recipe?
Yes, she did.
'Cause when I wanted to make you
her five-cheese mac and cheese,
she pulled a pistol...
Yeah.
...outta her bra and said,
"I'm not afraid to do a bid."
[ Both laugh ]
I remember that.
God,
I miss that old bird.
Mm.
You know, there's a box
of family recipes
waiting for you, right?
Mm.
What you talking about?
Just imagine
what could happen...
Mm-hmm.
...if you applied your mind
to my business.
Come on.
[ Chuckles ]
I'm not sure I follow.
Check it.
See the hot sauce, right?
Uh-huh.
I'mma apply this hot sauce
to this dough.
Pow, pow, pow.
[ Chuckles ]
I'mma fold it in.
Because, just like you,
this hot sauce
is the most important
part in my recipe.
So, wait. The hot sauce
just gets absorbed?
Of course it absorbs in.
It adds to the recipe.
It just doesn't
overpower it.
See?
Damien, stop.
Stop folding, please.
What's up?
[ Sighs ]
Um, I've been
pretty clear that,
um, I've got
my own thing going on.
I mean, and you said
you're happy things
are taking off for me, so...
Yeah, I am.
I just think
that podcasting
is not using
all of your abilities.
Then you don't
know me at all.
'Cause I-I finally figured
out my dreams, Damien.
And I am the happiest, boldest,
baddest bitch I've ever been.
[ Sighs ]
'Lika, no, look...
No, you're...
You're a lovely guy...
You are...
But I don't want to be
the hot sauce
that just disappears.
Wow.
Good luck with the café.
I want those cornbread bagels
to soar.
Really.
[♪♪]
Wow.
Malika.
Malika: So, yeah,
Damien wasn't ready.
But let's talk about you
and Michael.
Come on, spill the tea
about the sausage.
[ Chuckles ]
Well,
we tried and failed.
[ Gasps ]
We ended up laugh-gasming,
so I think that means
we're supposed to be friends.
Well, you may not have
gotten the big "D",
but I did bring you
the big "B".
Snagged you
a cornbread bagel sammich
with salt pork cream cheese
and black-eyed peas.
Mmm!
Being that I'm a Black woman
who wants to hang
onto both her feet, no.
Just try it.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm, mmm.
Oh, bitch!
You need to go
get your man back...
[ Laughs ]
...give up your life,
and give him
a bunch of ashy babies.
I'mma hide all the lotion.
This good!
I know.
Mmm!
For real, though, you, um...
You don't wanna drag me
just a little bit
for losing myself with Damien?
That's not how I roll.
Besides [sighs]
you were right.
I was all up
in your grill,
because I didn't want to deal
with my own shit, so sorry.
'Cause I don't know,
it was... it was kinda nice
getting back out there again.
So maybe... maybe...
You can set me up
with someone new?
[ Squeals ]
Blemma's back!
Okay, okay, okay.
What are you looking for
in a boyfriend?
Or a girlfriend.
Ooh!
Mm-hmm.
Okay, a partner.
You know, if we were
in a rom-com,
you would find your next fling
right here in this park.
If we were in a rom-com,
I'd be getting proposed
to right now.
Oh.
Gotchu.
[ Clears throat ]
What you doing?
Malika Jones, do you accept
this sweet-potato bagel
to be
your carb-loaded cuisine,
to enjoy with
your podcast partner in crime,
Phoebe Hill...
Mm-hmm.
...for as long
as you both shall lunch?
[ Gasps ]
Ooh, girl!
[ Body thuds ]
I didn't drop the bagel.
I didn't drop the bagel.
There you go.
Where are you?
This was your idea
to see Dr. Barrera.
Do we really need
couples therapy?
Jessie:
I'll be there in a minute.
- Just go in.
- [ Sighs ]
[ Cellphone beeps ]
[ Sighs ]
[♪♪]
Wait.
What's... What's going on?
Where's Dr. Barrera?
Puerto Rico.
I've been watering
her plant.
Oh, it's really dry.
You haven't been doing
a very good job.
It could use a little less sun,
I think.
[ Clears throat ] Jayden.
Hmm?
Sweetie.
♪ I'mma leave the door open ♪
Oh, uh.
Get over here, Monstro.
All right.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh! [ Chuckles ]
[ Chuckling ]
Oh, easy, tiger.
Oh, boy. Mm. Wow.
Well done, wifey.
This is so spontaneous.
Although, you know, I did have
a list of things to go over
with Dr. Barrera and...
Stop talking.
- Okay.
- Glasses.
Mm, yes, of course.
- Hands here.
- Mm. Mm!