Everything's Trash (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
So, yeah,
we're kinda done-zo.
Feels boo-boo.
Like, you think
you know somebody,
and then they do
some trash like that.
Just do your usual
and fix it.
You show up to his place wearing
nothing but a trench coat
and a candy necklace,
and you do the sex on him.
No!
He lied about
having a whole kid.
Can't be trusted.
You guys!
I'm not talking about Hamilton.
I'm talking about Jayden.
Got it. Okay.
So, trench coat,
candy necklace...
but, I mean,
probably no sex?
Ugh!
Girl, what happened?
Well, after I learned
the truth about Ha mm a Montana,
I went to Jayden's
because the dumb bitch
basically begged me to,
and I told him I ended things
with Hammaconda.
And instead of listening,
Jayden just went in, y'all.
[As Jayden] "Uh, yeah!
That's 100% wack.
[As Jayden] But you don't do
real relationships.
And the kid thing?
If you would've known,
you would've clicked
unsubscribe immediately."
Ooh. Sometimes
it be your own people.
[Normal voice] I know, right?
Like, I could be in a relaysh
and take care of a kid
if I wanted to.
Ooh! Uh, devil's advi?
No, you can't.
Anyway...
then this Negro starts in,
tryna solve me.
[as Jayden] "Be single!
Let someone else hike the
Great American Heaux Trail.
You don't need
to ding every dong,
clang every wang,
slob every knob."
He really said all that?
I'm editorializing.
But the next thing this bitch
said word... for word.
Have you ever thought
of freezing your eggs?
Now, I know it's expensive,
but we could go to brunch
without you
a couple Sundays.
[ Scoffs ] Right?
Unh-unh!
Unh-unh! Nope.
Where he at?
'Cause we about to
slash some tires.
Anyway...
Then things
really went south.
I didn't ask
for any of that.
I just want you
to listen to me!
Why? So I can be the shoulder
you cry on about a guy
who keeps assassinating
my character?
Yeah.
It's called family.
Then I must be
Brother of the Year
because, once again,
I'm fixing a Phoebe Hill mess.
You know what?
What?
I don't need this shit
from you, dawg.
So, we on a hi-eight
for the foreseeable fyootch.
Catch me at the next
maje holiday or not.
'Cause I def ain't checkin'
for no raggedy-ass Jayden Hill
right now.
[♪♪]
It is so childish that...
Stop it!
You are grown adults
telling each other to suck it
'90s style.
Okay.
We're leaving.
Ugh. Jayden, enough.
Yeah!
Enough.
Yeah. Okay. You're right,
you're right, you're right.
Wait.
That means "Suck It"?
Oh, man. I owe Phoebe's mom
a huge apology.
[♪♪]
Hurry up, babe!
A new episode of
"Rich Whites With Problems"
just dropped.
We're finally gonna find out
who poisoned Gage's polo pony.
Ooh!
I love "Rich Whites."
You know, this is
gonna be so much better
without Pheebs interrupting
with her wild theories.
Can you believe she's mad at me?
She's so ungrateful.
I'm gonna tell her
when she texts me.
Babe,
she might not text.
Oh, she will.
Okay.
But in the meantime,
isn't this break kind of nice?
I mean, "Rich Whites With
Problems" could be our show.
No, yeah. No, no, yeah.
Of course, of course.
Tell the Australians
to get on board
because this is
a Crocodile Done-Deal.
See? This is just as juicy
without Phoebe.
For sure.
[ Zipper slides ]
Oop, and there's
Gage's penis.
Oh, yeah, there's a lot of nudity
on "Rich Whites." Mm-hmm!
This is so cute,
just the three of us.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, it's after 10:00
and we ain't even
had to ask for the check yet
'cause Jayden and Jessie
gotta get home to they kid.
I mean, think about it.
Five people? It's hell a jank.
Well, not no mo',
'cause it's the power of three.
Ay! Ay!
Yeah!
Clank, clank, clank, clank!
You know what else
we can do as a trio?
Make dank-ass love, not caring
where we begin and where we end?
What's up? What's down?
Whose foot is that?
Am I inside someone or
are they inside me? Oh...
It would just be me and Malika,
by the way.
No, you dum-dum!
Second locaysh.
Jayden would never!
Mm-hmm.
Okay, speaking of
second locaysh...
these wristbands
will get us into
any and every after party
in the tri-state area.
And... one Bar Mitzvah
in Staten Island.
Jacob's a man now.
♪ Second locaysh ♪
♪ Second locaysh ♪
All:
♪ Second locaysh ♪
♪ Let's hit it ♪
[ Sighs ]
[ Keyboard clacking ]
Babe? You okay?
You seem a little stressed.
We're presenting ideas for
fall symposiums... Mm-hmm.
...and Jonathan from Anthro
started mansplaining my idea.
Here's what you do.
Send a follow-up e-mail
to the group, recap your idea,
and say you're looking forward
to working with them.
Make it seem like
they already agreed to it.
Va-boom!
Sneaky, sneaky.
I love that!
I love that.
Mm.
Hit me.
What else needs fixing?
Ooh. Plenty.
I will text you a list of things
around the house.
See? This is what
I'm talking about.
A little appreciation
for the old HJ.
Huh?
Helper Jayden.
Not the other HJ.
Okay.
Although
that's good, too.
Can we focus?
Michael: Not a bad
second locaysh, right?
I love the vibe here.
It's the perfect mix of
chill and "who's got pills?"
[ Laughs ]
Uh...
is that Solange?
Maybe.
[ Gasps ]
Uh, is Maybe-Solange
waving us over?
Ooh, I think so!
- Bam!
- Aah!
[♪♪]
Jayden:
Let's do this, HJ.
[♪♪]
Yes! Come on.
[ Grunts ]
Hunh! Yes!
I have a friend
named Destiny.
Do you, by chance,
know any of her children?
[ Laughter ]
Solange:
You really are such trash!
[ Laughter ]
[ Disposal grinding,
grinding stops ]
[♪♪]
Okay.
Wife! What else do you need
Big Daddy to take care of?
Heard the pilot light
was out.
Jessie:
Uh, come to bed.
Let's let the super
fix that.
Come on!
How hard can it be?
[ Siren chirping,
radio chatter ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
I-It's not a bad look.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay, I can't believe
Could-Be-Solange invited me
to summer with her on a yacht
in the South of France.
But you can't swim.
And I told her that!
And she was just like,
"It's okay.
I have a bunch of whites
on my staff
who will just hold you up
in the water
the whole damn time."
I'm-a need pics of that.
[ Laughs ]
Okay, you goiiis.
That's Malika Jones.
I'm Phoebe Hill.
[Singsong voice]
And Everything's Tr-a-a-a-ash!
Ooh! Good 'cast.
Thanks, boo.
Honestly, I feel like I'm on
a flex hangover from last night.
Mm.
I mean, The Easy Three
were legit making
Black History mo-mints!
Michael aside.
True dat.
So we need to run that back
again tonight.
Ooh. Can't.
I've got yoga, and then
I'm going to bed early.
Okay.
I mean, good for you.
Your body-ody-ody
is a temple,
whereas mine
is more like, uh...
[ Chuckles ]
...day three of Coachella.
Just crushed flower crowns,
low electrolytes,
and Diplo may have been there
several times
but not since 2019.
[ Laughs ]
Phoebe:
Okay, dude, Malika's lame,
but you and I are gonna outdo
last night's debauch.
I mean,
we gotta run it back.
IClaro!
I bet we could run into the rest
of the Knowles-Carter clan.
Ca-yute!
Quizás.
Yeah, you're right.
I don't feel like
turning up, either.
[ Gasps ] Ooh.
What if we stay in,
order food, and talk?
I'm feeling a kind of way
about some, uh...
life stuff.
¿Come se dice
"[Bleep] that noise"?
Okay, fine.
I'll rally. God!
Oh, hey. You're home.
Uh, sorry.
Just mid-tourney
with my Chilean kill crew.
They're all
in middle school,
so we call ourselves
the Chilean Minors.
But this is
gonna be a minute.
[Softly]
Kewl. Respect.
[ Sighs softly ]
Edit that out...
Oh, hey, sweetie.
Hi.
How was your day?
Bad. Cece said I couldn't play
on the wood chips with her.
Aw. I'm sorry.
You know what?
How about I put together
a little snack
and we can
talk about it?
- Okay!
- Jayden: Mm-hmm.
Maybe I can help.
Now, in life, sometimes
people don't like you.
Sometimes they even
actively hate you.
And if you
understand that,
it'll make you
a stronger person.
My best friend
hates me?!
Honey, what are you
talking about?
I'm teaching her
some hard lessons.
Well, let's go have
a soft cookie.
Okay?
[ Scoffs ] What?!
HJ. Helper Jayden!
I'm on brand here.
♪ Tell me, tell me ♪
♪ Are you good,
are you bad? ♪
♪ I don't know
when you're mad ♪
[Slurring]
You're a liar...
but you're pretty.
♪ Now or never,
tell me, tell me ♪
And so's your spirit.
[Whispering]
And so's your penis.
♪ And besides,
what am I for? ♪
♪ If I can't know,
can't know... ♪
What?! It's not drinking alone
if you're here!
Yeah.
You're right.
I should pace myself.
[ Sighs ]
[♪♪]
Aah!
[ Fart ]
Excuse you!
[ Cellphone rings ]
[ Sighing ]
Hiiii, booooo!
It's midnight.
Where are you?
Where are any of us,
you know?
Just doing a little
light stalk stalk
outside Ham Ham's
house house.
What in
the NASA diaper-lady hell?!
Ahh...
There's his
recycling can.
[ Whimpers ]
I love
that he recycles!
He's, like,
a really good person.
Phoebe! Unh-unh.
I really don't have time
for this.
[ Clattering, rustling ]
Aww!
What the hell
is going on now?
I like these beans, too.
Get your hands
off his cans!
R-R-Remix!
♪ Get your hands
off his cans ♪
♪ Get your hands
off his cans, ay ♪
[ Chewing ]
I know you not eating
dumpster beans.
Mmm.
These beans are so good.
S-Stop. Stop. Stop it!
Mmm!
Girl, don't worry
about it.
Phoebe!
I kissed it up to God.
You know what I mean?
Phoebe!
Ooh, making me
do that auntie step. Ah!
Listen to me! Go home, shower...
♪ Oh, oh, I'm an auntie ♪
...go to sleep, and I will text you in the
morning. ♪ Ain't gonna have no babies of my own ♪
♪ I'm an auntie ♪
♪ Ain't gonna have no
babies of my own ♪ Bye!
Ayy!
[ Beep ]
[ Sighs, groans ]
[♪♪]
Thanks for meeting me.
Phoebe's a hot mess
without Jayden.
Well, Jayden's driving me crazy
without Phoebe to fix.
So what do we do?
Lock them in a room together
until they figure it out?
[ Toilet flushes ]
Whew!
For a minute, I did not know
who was gonna win that one.
Locking them in a room together
is exactly what we need to do.
But not just any room.
A hotel escape room.
Nothing heals siblings
like making them work together
to figure out
who killed the bellhop.
Dude, this is
a "Hotep Excape Room."
Oh. Well, yeah.
I'm sure whatever "hotep" means,
it'll be chill.
Blue-eyed deceiver,
you are being watched.
Verily I say unto you,
I know you by your works.
See?
Told ya... chill.
[ Door opens ]
Ooh!
Easy Three
back at it, baby!
I have suh much to download
with y'all.
I ate garbage beans
last night... Yeah, I know.
...and mi culo no es bueno.
Enter Room 3,
my Abyssinian queens...
and obvious devil.
You guys, I think this is
gonna be so much fun!
Ooh! Look at that.
I'm at 50%.
I need a charger.
I'm weird about it.
Oh, yeah, and I
need to do this! Aah!
Malika:
Work your shit out, girl!
[ Scoffs ]
Oh, I see.
Yet again I have been hoodwinked
by the white devil.
My broth a.
My sista.
Good to see you.
You, as well.
How are you?
Oh, you know, busy
killing it without... cha.
[ Scoffs ]
Yeah. Me too.
Totally killing it
without you.
[ Scoffs ]
Just kill city.
Murder, murder, murder.
Did you pencil-in
your eyebrows?
[ Chuckles ] You wish.
Why would I wish that?
Make it make sense.
Oh!
We can watch them here.
Ebony royals,
you can't be back there.
Did this chalky chump
put you up to this?
All: Uh...
Nubian King,
we are here to witness
the reuniting
of a sista and broth a
who are literally
sista and broth a.
We require but a few moments
to view them, uh,
and humbly request special
dispensation. Mm-hmm.
Oh, you special, huh?
[ All laugh ]
Ooh, ooh!
There they are.
Malika:
Ooh, that looks icy.
Well, have a little faith
in Black love.
Michael: Oh!
Something's happening!
[ Siren blaring ]
Children of the diaspora!
You have seven of
the oppressor's minutes
to escape this room
and move on to the next.
Unlock the riddle,
and you unlock not just the door
but what holds us back
as a people!
[ Whoosh ]
Okay. I'm gonna solve this
so I can get back to killin' it.
Uh, no, I'm gonna solve it
so I can get back to killin' it.
With a side of some
light crushing it.
"I am taller sitting
than I am standing.
What am I?"
[ Gasps ] My grandfather! Um...
He's got
a very long torso.
Time to go.
Not before you tell me
all about that scent
you're wearin'.
What a sublime...
[ Sniffs ]
...uh, emanation.
You noticed.
Mm-hmm.
It's Orbs of Ra.
It's a roll-on.
Oh.
I'm transported.
[ Both chuckle ]
Phoebe:
Anything, dude?
[ Clicks tongue ]
Whatever. I got this.
Hey, IG fam!
Have any of y'all been
to the Hotep Excape Room
in Williamsburg?
Could someone please tell me
how to get the hell outta he...
[ Beeping ]
Ugh! What?!
Lost the signal!
The white man's Wi-Fi
is no good here.
I got it! The cat is taller
sitting than standing!
God, I love my brain
right now.
No Wi-Fi, huh?
[ Scoffs ]
[ Statue slides ]
Ohh.
[ Thud ]
Ha! Yes! The clue.
The clue is in Medu Netjer.
It's hieroglyphics.
It's probably like
First Dynasty,
maybe from the Nile, the
Black Nile, or the Blue Nile.
What are you... Aah!
Good luck solving it now,
you no-eyebrow-havin' bitch!
Damn it. Should've used
waterproof pencil.
That's on me.
[ Breathes sharply ]
Not cool. Huh!
[ Sighs ]
"Reflect upon
the life you've led,
engage thee
with the recent... dead."
[ Panel sliding ]
Ho ho! Boom! Ho ho!
Big Daddy did it again!
Ha ha!
Now all I have to do
is figure out
which one of these mummies
is most recently dead.
Yeah.
My alphas in hieroglyphics
are a little bit stronger
than my numerics.
Here we go.
Is it you, is it you, is it you,
is it you, is it you?
- [ Sighs ]
- A coil of rope means 100.
Hey.
How you holdin' up?
[ Chuckles ] You know, I worked
here as a zombie for two years
and nobody's
ever asked me that?
I'm okay, I guess.
Don't sound okay.
I'm a trained actor.
I did Pinter at the Goodman
in Chicago, and now I'm here?
I thought this was gonna be
a hotel escape room,
then I at least could play
a bellhop that gets killed.
It's a journ-journ.
You'll get there.
Besides,
you're really good.
I totes feel like
I'm in Egypt because of you.
[ Chuckles ] Thanks.
It is a journ-journ.
Hold up. [ Gasps ]
I recognize you!
[ Chuckles ]
You're Cranky Deli Guy
from "Rich Whites"!
You're the one
who said...
Both: "We don't make sandwiches
for rich whites like you!"
Aah! Oh, my God!
Jayden, get over here!
I can't!
We're running out of time.
No!
You gotta meet this guy!
Hi.
Okay, okay.
Do the thing!
Say the line!
"We don't make sandwiches
for rich whites like you!"
Oh, my God! Cranky Deli Guy!
You're awesome.
Why you working here?
I'm broke.
I need to pay bills
in between acting gigs.
Maybe get some
health insurance.
You know, I've done some work
with the City Arts Fund.
They have grants that
help struggling actors
subsidize living expenses.
I could hook you up.
Hey. Thanks, man.
[ Siren blaring ]
Oh, damn it!
Come on!
[ Siren blaring ]
Hey, here. Take this.
It's Ra's Amulet.
It'll get you
to the next level.
Oh, my God!
You earned it.
Yeah. Thanks so
much for helping me out.
Phoebe: Any time.
Cranky Deli Guy,
you're the best.
Oh, by the way, most
of these escape rooms
are just fronts
for sex cults.
Bye, y'all.
- So, that was promising, right?
- Yeah.
Empress, I am struck
by how much you care
about healing that
family. Mm-hmm.
Be my family.
Hm.
If you have a career,
just put that to the side.
Just tell me
with your ebony eyes.
Um...
is there a snack bar?
Can't think on an empty stomach.
[ Chuckles ]
Sister, I have bean pies
aplenty in my rucksack.
Allow me to nourish
you with my fingers. Oh.
[As Chris Rock] What's a white
man gotta do to get a bean pie? Nope.
Let me take you away
from these people.
Um... [ Chuckles ]
Well, what are
the words here? Umm...
The words are,
"Yes, my king."
[Normal voice] I also do
a pretty good Denzel.
Stop right now.
[ Panel sliding ]
Oh, my God.
The clue was, "Speak to
the most recently dead."
The Hotep Zombie.
Recently dead? [ Scoffs ]
You got us
to the next level.
Okay, but you're the one
who got him health insurance.
Yeah, but he only opened up
after you connected with him.
It's one of your
best qualities.
Look, I acted like a whole ass
the other night.
I mean, I am not a fan
of Hamilton's,
but I'm a fan of yours.
And I'm a fan of yours.
[ Sighs ]
I know... I should've been
straight-up about Hammaconda
in the first place.
And I shouldn't have
told you what to do.
Clearly,
you can handle things.
I should
listen to you more.
That was really hard for you
to say, wasn't it?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
That'd be nice.
[♪♪]
Okay. I can tell you're biting
your tongue. Spill it.
No, I'm not! No, I'm just...
I'm... I'm... I'm listening.
Please, please, please, please,
please. Go... Go ahead.
I want to hear
all about Hamilton.
You want to hear
about Hamilton?
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Okay.
I like this
Listening Jayden.
Well, there's just all this
telenovela drama with Ham,
and it's kinda boo-boo,
and I...
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
You know what? No.
I-I cannot talk to you
about this with you
looking like
Fire Marshall Bill's brother.
We gotta fix these
damn eyebrows. Yeah.
Unless y'all wanna come to
my Nubian nuptials in Ghana,
we gotta Hotep two-step
outta here.
Oh.
Now!
- Oh!
- Phoebe: Whoa.
How long
were we in there?
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[♪♪]
Announcer:
"Rich Whites."
Michael: If they made a show
about my family,
it would just be called
"Medium Whites
With a Lot
of Credit Card Debt."
If they made a show about
my family, it'd be called...
Just kidding. They don't
make shows about us.
Tate:
Gage, is this the place?
Oh, my God, you guys!
It's Cranky Deli Guy! He's back!
Gage: Deli man, you think I
won't burn down your new place?
I will torch this bitch
right now!
Cranky Deli Guy:
I hate you rich whites!
[ Flames rush ]
[ All cheering ]
Whoa! Enh!
---
So, yeah,
we're kinda done-zo.
Feels boo-boo.
Like, you think
you know somebody,
and then they do
some trash like that.
Just do your usual
and fix it.
You show up to his place wearing
nothing but a trench coat
and a candy necklace,
and you do the sex on him.
No!
He lied about
having a whole kid.
Can't be trusted.
You guys!
I'm not talking about Hamilton.
I'm talking about Jayden.
Got it. Okay.
So, trench coat,
candy necklace...
but, I mean,
probably no sex?
Ugh!
Girl, what happened?
Well, after I learned
the truth about Ha mm a Montana,
I went to Jayden's
because the dumb bitch
basically begged me to,
and I told him I ended things
with Hammaconda.
And instead of listening,
Jayden just went in, y'all.
[As Jayden] "Uh, yeah!
That's 100% wack.
[As Jayden] But you don't do
real relationships.
And the kid thing?
If you would've known,
you would've clicked
unsubscribe immediately."
Ooh. Sometimes
it be your own people.
[Normal voice] I know, right?
Like, I could be in a relaysh
and take care of a kid
if I wanted to.
Ooh! Uh, devil's advi?
No, you can't.
Anyway...
then this Negro starts in,
tryna solve me.
[as Jayden] "Be single!
Let someone else hike the
Great American Heaux Trail.
You don't need
to ding every dong,
clang every wang,
slob every knob."
He really said all that?
I'm editorializing.
But the next thing this bitch
said word... for word.
Have you ever thought
of freezing your eggs?
Now, I know it's expensive,
but we could go to brunch
without you
a couple Sundays.
[ Scoffs ] Right?
Unh-unh!
Unh-unh! Nope.
Where he at?
'Cause we about to
slash some tires.
Anyway...
Then things
really went south.
I didn't ask
for any of that.
I just want you
to listen to me!
Why? So I can be the shoulder
you cry on about a guy
who keeps assassinating
my character?
Yeah.
It's called family.
Then I must be
Brother of the Year
because, once again,
I'm fixing a Phoebe Hill mess.
You know what?
What?
I don't need this shit
from you, dawg.
So, we on a hi-eight
for the foreseeable fyootch.
Catch me at the next
maje holiday or not.
'Cause I def ain't checkin'
for no raggedy-ass Jayden Hill
right now.
[♪♪]
It is so childish that...
Stop it!
You are grown adults
telling each other to suck it
'90s style.
Okay.
We're leaving.
Ugh. Jayden, enough.
Yeah!
Enough.
Yeah. Okay. You're right,
you're right, you're right.
Wait.
That means "Suck It"?
Oh, man. I owe Phoebe's mom
a huge apology.
[♪♪]
Hurry up, babe!
A new episode of
"Rich Whites With Problems"
just dropped.
We're finally gonna find out
who poisoned Gage's polo pony.
Ooh!
I love "Rich Whites."
You know, this is
gonna be so much better
without Pheebs interrupting
with her wild theories.
Can you believe she's mad at me?
She's so ungrateful.
I'm gonna tell her
when she texts me.
Babe,
she might not text.
Oh, she will.
Okay.
But in the meantime,
isn't this break kind of nice?
I mean, "Rich Whites With
Problems" could be our show.
No, yeah. No, no, yeah.
Of course, of course.
Tell the Australians
to get on board
because this is
a Crocodile Done-Deal.
See? This is just as juicy
without Phoebe.
For sure.
[ Zipper slides ]
Oop, and there's
Gage's penis.
Oh, yeah, there's a lot of nudity
on "Rich Whites." Mm-hmm!
This is so cute,
just the three of us.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, it's after 10:00
and we ain't even
had to ask for the check yet
'cause Jayden and Jessie
gotta get home to they kid.
I mean, think about it.
Five people? It's hell a jank.
Well, not no mo',
'cause it's the power of three.
Ay! Ay!
Yeah!
Clank, clank, clank, clank!
You know what else
we can do as a trio?
Make dank-ass love, not caring
where we begin and where we end?
What's up? What's down?
Whose foot is that?
Am I inside someone or
are they inside me? Oh...
It would just be me and Malika,
by the way.
No, you dum-dum!
Second locaysh.
Jayden would never!
Mm-hmm.
Okay, speaking of
second locaysh...
these wristbands
will get us into
any and every after party
in the tri-state area.
And... one Bar Mitzvah
in Staten Island.
Jacob's a man now.
♪ Second locaysh ♪
♪ Second locaysh ♪
All:
♪ Second locaysh ♪
♪ Let's hit it ♪
[ Sighs ]
[ Keyboard clacking ]
Babe? You okay?
You seem a little stressed.
We're presenting ideas for
fall symposiums... Mm-hmm.
...and Jonathan from Anthro
started mansplaining my idea.
Here's what you do.
Send a follow-up e-mail
to the group, recap your idea,
and say you're looking forward
to working with them.
Make it seem like
they already agreed to it.
Va-boom!
Sneaky, sneaky.
I love that!
I love that.
Mm.
Hit me.
What else needs fixing?
Ooh. Plenty.
I will text you a list of things
around the house.
See? This is what
I'm talking about.
A little appreciation
for the old HJ.
Huh?
Helper Jayden.
Not the other HJ.
Okay.
Although
that's good, too.
Can we focus?
Michael: Not a bad
second locaysh, right?
I love the vibe here.
It's the perfect mix of
chill and "who's got pills?"
[ Laughs ]
Uh...
is that Solange?
Maybe.
[ Gasps ]
Uh, is Maybe-Solange
waving us over?
Ooh, I think so!
- Bam!
- Aah!
[♪♪]
Jayden:
Let's do this, HJ.
[♪♪]
Yes! Come on.
[ Grunts ]
Hunh! Yes!
I have a friend
named Destiny.
Do you, by chance,
know any of her children?
[ Laughter ]
Solange:
You really are such trash!
[ Laughter ]
[ Disposal grinding,
grinding stops ]
[♪♪]
Okay.
Wife! What else do you need
Big Daddy to take care of?
Heard the pilot light
was out.
Jessie:
Uh, come to bed.
Let's let the super
fix that.
Come on!
How hard can it be?
[ Siren chirping,
radio chatter ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
I-It's not a bad look.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay, I can't believe
Could-Be-Solange invited me
to summer with her on a yacht
in the South of France.
But you can't swim.
And I told her that!
And she was just like,
"It's okay.
I have a bunch of whites
on my staff
who will just hold you up
in the water
the whole damn time."
I'm-a need pics of that.
[ Laughs ]
Okay, you goiiis.
That's Malika Jones.
I'm Phoebe Hill.
[Singsong voice]
And Everything's Tr-a-a-a-ash!
Ooh! Good 'cast.
Thanks, boo.
Honestly, I feel like I'm on
a flex hangover from last night.
Mm.
I mean, The Easy Three
were legit making
Black History mo-mints!
Michael aside.
True dat.
So we need to run that back
again tonight.
Ooh. Can't.
I've got yoga, and then
I'm going to bed early.
Okay.
I mean, good for you.
Your body-ody-ody
is a temple,
whereas mine
is more like, uh...
[ Chuckles ]
...day three of Coachella.
Just crushed flower crowns,
low electrolytes,
and Diplo may have been there
several times
but not since 2019.
[ Laughs ]
Phoebe:
Okay, dude, Malika's lame,
but you and I are gonna outdo
last night's debauch.
I mean,
we gotta run it back.
IClaro!
I bet we could run into the rest
of the Knowles-Carter clan.
Ca-yute!
Quizás.
Yeah, you're right.
I don't feel like
turning up, either.
[ Gasps ] Ooh.
What if we stay in,
order food, and talk?
I'm feeling a kind of way
about some, uh...
life stuff.
¿Come se dice
"[Bleep] that noise"?
Okay, fine.
I'll rally. God!
Oh, hey. You're home.
Uh, sorry.
Just mid-tourney
with my Chilean kill crew.
They're all
in middle school,
so we call ourselves
the Chilean Minors.
But this is
gonna be a minute.
[Softly]
Kewl. Respect.
[ Sighs softly ]
Edit that out...
Oh, hey, sweetie.
Hi.
How was your day?
Bad. Cece said I couldn't play
on the wood chips with her.
Aw. I'm sorry.
You know what?
How about I put together
a little snack
and we can
talk about it?
- Okay!
- Jayden: Mm-hmm.
Maybe I can help.
Now, in life, sometimes
people don't like you.
Sometimes they even
actively hate you.
And if you
understand that,
it'll make you
a stronger person.
My best friend
hates me?!
Honey, what are you
talking about?
I'm teaching her
some hard lessons.
Well, let's go have
a soft cookie.
Okay?
[ Scoffs ] What?!
HJ. Helper Jayden!
I'm on brand here.
♪ Tell me, tell me ♪
♪ Are you good,
are you bad? ♪
♪ I don't know
when you're mad ♪
[Slurring]
You're a liar...
but you're pretty.
♪ Now or never,
tell me, tell me ♪
And so's your spirit.
[Whispering]
And so's your penis.
♪ And besides,
what am I for? ♪
♪ If I can't know,
can't know... ♪
What?! It's not drinking alone
if you're here!
Yeah.
You're right.
I should pace myself.
[ Sighs ]
[♪♪]
Aah!
[ Fart ]
Excuse you!
[ Cellphone rings ]
[ Sighing ]
Hiiii, booooo!
It's midnight.
Where are you?
Where are any of us,
you know?
Just doing a little
light stalk stalk
outside Ham Ham's
house house.
What in
the NASA diaper-lady hell?!
Ahh...
There's his
recycling can.
[ Whimpers ]
I love
that he recycles!
He's, like,
a really good person.
Phoebe! Unh-unh.
I really don't have time
for this.
[ Clattering, rustling ]
Aww!
What the hell
is going on now?
I like these beans, too.
Get your hands
off his cans!
R-R-Remix!
♪ Get your hands
off his cans ♪
♪ Get your hands
off his cans, ay ♪
[ Chewing ]
I know you not eating
dumpster beans.
Mmm.
These beans are so good.
S-Stop. Stop. Stop it!
Mmm!
Girl, don't worry
about it.
Phoebe!
I kissed it up to God.
You know what I mean?
Phoebe!
Ooh, making me
do that auntie step. Ah!
Listen to me! Go home, shower...
♪ Oh, oh, I'm an auntie ♪
...go to sleep, and I will text you in the
morning. ♪ Ain't gonna have no babies of my own ♪
♪ I'm an auntie ♪
♪ Ain't gonna have no
babies of my own ♪ Bye!
Ayy!
[ Beep ]
[ Sighs, groans ]
[♪♪]
Thanks for meeting me.
Phoebe's a hot mess
without Jayden.
Well, Jayden's driving me crazy
without Phoebe to fix.
So what do we do?
Lock them in a room together
until they figure it out?
[ Toilet flushes ]
Whew!
For a minute, I did not know
who was gonna win that one.
Locking them in a room together
is exactly what we need to do.
But not just any room.
A hotel escape room.
Nothing heals siblings
like making them work together
to figure out
who killed the bellhop.
Dude, this is
a "Hotep Excape Room."
Oh. Well, yeah.
I'm sure whatever "hotep" means,
it'll be chill.
Blue-eyed deceiver,
you are being watched.
Verily I say unto you,
I know you by your works.
See?
Told ya... chill.
[ Door opens ]
Ooh!
Easy Three
back at it, baby!
I have suh much to download
with y'all.
I ate garbage beans
last night... Yeah, I know.
...and mi culo no es bueno.
Enter Room 3,
my Abyssinian queens...
and obvious devil.
You guys, I think this is
gonna be so much fun!
Ooh! Look at that.
I'm at 50%.
I need a charger.
I'm weird about it.
Oh, yeah, and I
need to do this! Aah!
Malika:
Work your shit out, girl!
[ Scoffs ]
Oh, I see.
Yet again I have been hoodwinked
by the white devil.
My broth a.
My sista.
Good to see you.
You, as well.
How are you?
Oh, you know, busy
killing it without... cha.
[ Scoffs ]
Yeah. Me too.
Totally killing it
without you.
[ Scoffs ]
Just kill city.
Murder, murder, murder.
Did you pencil-in
your eyebrows?
[ Chuckles ] You wish.
Why would I wish that?
Make it make sense.
Oh!
We can watch them here.
Ebony royals,
you can't be back there.
Did this chalky chump
put you up to this?
All: Uh...
Nubian King,
we are here to witness
the reuniting
of a sista and broth a
who are literally
sista and broth a.
We require but a few moments
to view them, uh,
and humbly request special
dispensation. Mm-hmm.
Oh, you special, huh?
[ All laugh ]
Ooh, ooh!
There they are.
Malika:
Ooh, that looks icy.
Well, have a little faith
in Black love.
Michael: Oh!
Something's happening!
[ Siren blaring ]
Children of the diaspora!
You have seven of
the oppressor's minutes
to escape this room
and move on to the next.
Unlock the riddle,
and you unlock not just the door
but what holds us back
as a people!
[ Whoosh ]
Okay. I'm gonna solve this
so I can get back to killin' it.
Uh, no, I'm gonna solve it
so I can get back to killin' it.
With a side of some
light crushing it.
"I am taller sitting
than I am standing.
What am I?"
[ Gasps ] My grandfather! Um...
He's got
a very long torso.
Time to go.
Not before you tell me
all about that scent
you're wearin'.
What a sublime...
[ Sniffs ]
...uh, emanation.
You noticed.
Mm-hmm.
It's Orbs of Ra.
It's a roll-on.
Oh.
I'm transported.
[ Both chuckle ]
Phoebe:
Anything, dude?
[ Clicks tongue ]
Whatever. I got this.
Hey, IG fam!
Have any of y'all been
to the Hotep Excape Room
in Williamsburg?
Could someone please tell me
how to get the hell outta he...
[ Beeping ]
Ugh! What?!
Lost the signal!
The white man's Wi-Fi
is no good here.
I got it! The cat is taller
sitting than standing!
God, I love my brain
right now.
No Wi-Fi, huh?
[ Scoffs ]
[ Statue slides ]
Ohh.
[ Thud ]
Ha! Yes! The clue.
The clue is in Medu Netjer.
It's hieroglyphics.
It's probably like
First Dynasty,
maybe from the Nile, the
Black Nile, or the Blue Nile.
What are you... Aah!
Good luck solving it now,
you no-eyebrow-havin' bitch!
Damn it. Should've used
waterproof pencil.
That's on me.
[ Breathes sharply ]
Not cool. Huh!
[ Sighs ]
"Reflect upon
the life you've led,
engage thee
with the recent... dead."
[ Panel sliding ]
Ho ho! Boom! Ho ho!
Big Daddy did it again!
Ha ha!
Now all I have to do
is figure out
which one of these mummies
is most recently dead.
Yeah.
My alphas in hieroglyphics
are a little bit stronger
than my numerics.
Here we go.
Is it you, is it you, is it you,
is it you, is it you?
- [ Sighs ]
- A coil of rope means 100.
Hey.
How you holdin' up?
[ Chuckles ] You know, I worked
here as a zombie for two years
and nobody's
ever asked me that?
I'm okay, I guess.
Don't sound okay.
I'm a trained actor.
I did Pinter at the Goodman
in Chicago, and now I'm here?
I thought this was gonna be
a hotel escape room,
then I at least could play
a bellhop that gets killed.
It's a journ-journ.
You'll get there.
Besides,
you're really good.
I totes feel like
I'm in Egypt because of you.
[ Chuckles ] Thanks.
It is a journ-journ.
Hold up. [ Gasps ]
I recognize you!
[ Chuckles ]
You're Cranky Deli Guy
from "Rich Whites"!
You're the one
who said...
Both: "We don't make sandwiches
for rich whites like you!"
Aah! Oh, my God!
Jayden, get over here!
I can't!
We're running out of time.
No!
You gotta meet this guy!
Hi.
Okay, okay.
Do the thing!
Say the line!
"We don't make sandwiches
for rich whites like you!"
Oh, my God! Cranky Deli Guy!
You're awesome.
Why you working here?
I'm broke.
I need to pay bills
in between acting gigs.
Maybe get some
health insurance.
You know, I've done some work
with the City Arts Fund.
They have grants that
help struggling actors
subsidize living expenses.
I could hook you up.
Hey. Thanks, man.
[ Siren blaring ]
Oh, damn it!
Come on!
[ Siren blaring ]
Hey, here. Take this.
It's Ra's Amulet.
It'll get you
to the next level.
Oh, my God!
You earned it.
Yeah. Thanks so
much for helping me out.
Phoebe: Any time.
Cranky Deli Guy,
you're the best.
Oh, by the way, most
of these escape rooms
are just fronts
for sex cults.
Bye, y'all.
- So, that was promising, right?
- Yeah.
Empress, I am struck
by how much you care
about healing that
family. Mm-hmm.
Be my family.
Hm.
If you have a career,
just put that to the side.
Just tell me
with your ebony eyes.
Um...
is there a snack bar?
Can't think on an empty stomach.
[ Chuckles ]
Sister, I have bean pies
aplenty in my rucksack.
Allow me to nourish
you with my fingers. Oh.
[As Chris Rock] What's a white
man gotta do to get a bean pie? Nope.
Let me take you away
from these people.
Um... [ Chuckles ]
Well, what are
the words here? Umm...
The words are,
"Yes, my king."
[Normal voice] I also do
a pretty good Denzel.
Stop right now.
[ Panel sliding ]
Oh, my God.
The clue was, "Speak to
the most recently dead."
The Hotep Zombie.
Recently dead? [ Scoffs ]
You got us
to the next level.
Okay, but you're the one
who got him health insurance.
Yeah, but he only opened up
after you connected with him.
It's one of your
best qualities.
Look, I acted like a whole ass
the other night.
I mean, I am not a fan
of Hamilton's,
but I'm a fan of yours.
And I'm a fan of yours.
[ Sighs ]
I know... I should've been
straight-up about Hammaconda
in the first place.
And I shouldn't have
told you what to do.
Clearly,
you can handle things.
I should
listen to you more.
That was really hard for you
to say, wasn't it?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
That'd be nice.
[♪♪]
Okay. I can tell you're biting
your tongue. Spill it.
No, I'm not! No, I'm just...
I'm... I'm... I'm listening.
Please, please, please, please,
please. Go... Go ahead.
I want to hear
all about Hamilton.
You want to hear
about Hamilton?
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Okay.
I like this
Listening Jayden.
Well, there's just all this
telenovela drama with Ham,
and it's kinda boo-boo,
and I...
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
You know what? No.
I-I cannot talk to you
about this with you
looking like
Fire Marshall Bill's brother.
We gotta fix these
damn eyebrows. Yeah.
Unless y'all wanna come to
my Nubian nuptials in Ghana,
we gotta Hotep two-step
outta here.
Oh.
Now!
- Oh!
- Phoebe: Whoa.
How long
were we in there?
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[♪♪]
Announcer:
"Rich Whites."
Michael: If they made a show
about my family,
it would just be called
"Medium Whites
With a Lot
of Credit Card Debt."
If they made a show about
my family, it'd be called...
Just kidding. They don't
make shows about us.
Tate:
Gage, is this the place?
Oh, my God, you guys!
It's Cranky Deli Guy! He's back!
Gage: Deli man, you think I
won't burn down your new place?
I will torch this bitch
right now!
Cranky Deli Guy:
I hate you rich whites!
[ Flames rush ]
[ All cheering ]
Whoa! Enh!