Everything's Trash (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

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Phoebe: Doughnuts
are pretty good, huh?

Remember those
when anyone asks you,

"who's your favorite auntie?"

Your mom's sister
ain't shit. [ Scoffs ]

So, what's happening
at school today?

Multiplication and some fighting
over the swings.

Ah.

Hamilton!

Ham ba-by!

I haven't seen you
in a while.

Yeah, it's been a minute
since you pushed me



and ran away, ba-by!

I'm gonna use that move
on the swing set.

Okay.
Go learn something.

Represent
the black community.

[western accent] so, uh,
what brings you around

these here parts,
pardner?

[western accent] well,
you know, just making sure

these dogies get all smart
and whatnot.

[normal voice] actually,
I was just, um, you know,

checking out
polling places.

You changed your hair.

Looks nice.

Thanks.

Sorry, I saw Jayden,
and I ran away.



I totally get it.

Look, I know we haven't
spoken in weeks,

but I can't get you
out of my head.

I think we both felt
something there,

and we owe it to ourselves
to explore this.

Okay.

I'm always down
to "explore."

We could "explore"
real hard.

You play your cards right,
we can "explore"

in a bathroom stall.

No, Phoebe, I want us to go
out on, like, a real date.

So, we drove
the sports car 90,

and now you want
to take it 10?

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Sure.

I'll let you take me on a very
expensive, very fancy dinner.

I'll text you.

[♪♪]

[ Whip cracks ]

He don't even know I'm about
to tap dat ass.

[♪♪]

[♪]

You guys,
I'm seer-seer!

I don't know how to go on
a first date with someone

when I've already
seen their dong.

[ laughs ]
that's why I asked

all you amazing heauxs
on Twitter

to give me some advice
in a brand-new segment

we're calling
"help a heaux."

[ Imitates air horn ]

Alright, this is
from tree/123,

who says,
"don't wear underwear."

Oh. Okay. That's
good for smashing

and if I eat
too much table-bread.

And this queen right here
says that you gotta watch

what he's eating
to see if the sex is on.

True.
Mm-hmm.

'Cause if he orders
a creamy pasta,

he's gonna fall asleep
before those me undies come off.

Use promo code
"everything's trash."

[ laughs ]

I just love when
the trash army has my back.

And I promise, next episode,
I will fill y'all in

[British accent]
on the dirty little deets.

[normal voice] byeee!

God, you really know

how to crank up
the audience engagement!

Twitter went crazy
for that.

I mean, look at what
we're doing.

Parakeet has to give us
that mid-season pay bump now.

I love when you talk
like a boss.

I do what I do.

Well, since you have the
business side of things handled,

I'm gonna handle
my business.

My lady business.

Gotta make sure
it's all 100...

Okay.
...Down there.

Mnh-mnh.
Gonna go trim the hedges.

Plant some flowers.

And turn around the "open" sign
on my...

Just go!

I'm trying to paint you
a picture!

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

I wonder how Phoebe's
doing on her date.

Mm.
You know,

I actually sent in
some advice to "help a heaux."

Me, too.
I said she should drink

a bunch
of pineapple juice now,

because you never know
how that night's gonna end.

Ew.
[ laughs ]

No, I just told her
to wear something modest

so he'd notice her voluptuous,
heaving brain.

Somehow, what you just said
is way more disgusting

than what he said.
[ cellphone vibrating ]

Oop!
Okay, here we go.

E-mail about our pay bump
just came in.

Nice!
How much is it going up?

[ Gasps ]

It's not going up
at all.

Unacceptable.

Who's gonna pay for our kids'
private school tuition?

You get back in there
and demand what you want.

I mean, don't take no
for an answer.

Flip the desk
if you have to.

[ Both laugh ]
mnh-mnh.

He is trying
to get you tasered.

Right?

Still, there are ways
you can advocate for yourself.

I don't know.
They've been pretty good to me,

so maybe I just sit tight.
[ sighs ]

I mean, they do let me produce

"everything's trash" solo,
so...

"let"? Do you hear
yourself right now?

Where's the Malika
that I know?

Where's the Malika
that says,

"Michael, I'm gonna report
you to Instagram"? Yeah.

"Michael, stop telling me

that you get turned on
by car accidents

or I'll kick you
in the jangles"?

I still might
do that, so...

You know,
I don't want to brag,

but I actually did
pretty well

with my last negotiation
at school.

If you want,
I can help you.

I could definitely use
a fancy professor

secret weapon
on my side.

Oh, I am fancy.
Yeah.

And a well-manicured dude
with a pure heart

who's beaten eczema
not once, but twice.

Did anybody ask him?

Nope.

Parakeet media is
basically high school.

The murder gals are the goth
girls who secretly rode horses,

and the Brooklyn dads are jocks
who got chubs in health class

from resuscitating a
cpr dummy. [ Laughs ]

Hey, if we're not careful,
we're gonna talk all night,

and you're not gonna get that
very expensive meal I promised.

Yes, I want you to spend
lots of money, so let's...

Okay. Let's get into it.
Mm-hmm.

How you feel about
that seafood tower?

It looks next-level, huh?

[thinking] seafood tower?

Hmm, light in my belly
and looks like a vajeen?

Sex is on.

Yeah. Um, something light
works for me.

Ooh, but this porterhouse
looks delicious, too.

What?
That's heavy as [bleep]

Ugh.
Maybe sex is off?

I mean,
if you get the steak,

I guess I'll have
the Brussels sprouts,

'cause nothing
really matters.

That might be a little
heavy, though. Mm.

How do you feel about maybe
sharing a salad or something?

I feel like sex is back on!

Oh, wait.
Wait.

This pressed duck for two
looks incredible.

Let's do that.

Great.

Jesus, take the wheel.

I don't know
what pressed duck means.

Um, I'm really glad you decided
to give this dinner a chance.

And not to sound cheesy,
but, um...

I-I really like you.

What do you like about me?

Oh, you gonna call my bluff?
Okay.

Mm-hmm.

I like how you're smart

and ignorant at the
same time. [ Chuckles ]

I like how you make up
your own words

and expect people
to know them.

Yeah,
it's pretty endear-dear.

Endearing.
Endearing.

[ Both laugh ]

I like how your laugh
lights up your whole face.

[ Chuckles ] Hamilton.

♪ You're my angel ♪

- [ chuckles ]
- ♪ Wouldn't that be sweet? ♪

[ laughs ] I mean, there
was a lot of highlights,

but I think my favorite part
was when you insisted

that you saw a mouse
and we got free tiramisu.

That was pretty good.

I'm like,
"viola Davis who?"

I'm an actress.
[ chuckles ]

But this is why you should
buy me a nice meal

before we have casual sex.

It's great.

Okay, uh,
just so you know,

there's nothing casual
about this.

I really like you.

Yeah.
I like you, too.

So, let's go like
on each other's bodies

with some casual sex.

Okay, will you stop saying
"casual sex"?

Cazsh sex?

Look, hooking up was fun,

but shouldn't we see
if there's something real here?

That's why I pushed
for the seafood tower.

Sex food, you know?

Right, so we can go up
and have more meaningless sex?

Aren't we better than that?

Oh, my god.
Will you stop?

Stop what?
Look...

I'm a single woman
enjoying all the dongs

the world has to offer...

That's great.

And you're not gonna
make me feel bad about it.

Like, what did you think
this was?

You're gonna give me
a few compliments

and think you can turn
this heaux into a housewife?

Phoebe... well, I
don't think so, brah.

"Brah"?
Mm.

What are you,
in "point break"?

I wish I was,

because then I'd be riding
a stiff board right now.

So, I'm gonna hang ten
out of here.

Cowabunga, dude!

[ Surf music plays ]

Hey, I didn't hear you
come home last night.

Yeah, I got in before you.
Date was a bust.

You ate
too much table-bread?

Ugh. I wish.

Dinner was actually hot,
and then ham ham

got all judge Judy
about my hookup lifestyle...

Says he wants us
to "deepen" our connection.

That's literally the most psycho
thing I've ever heard.

Exactly!
I'm not settling down!

You know what? I'm gonna hit up
some of my old hookups.

It is heaux o'clock.

[♪♪]

♪ Lean in, I do what I want ♪

ooh.

[western accent] what are you
in the mood for...

[clicks tongue] pardner?

Wait, were you
always Russian?

[normal voice] out.
Damn.

♪ And I'm gonna do... You ♪

I'm sorry.
Your hand feels kinda dumb.

What's the last thing
you read?

Uh...

Out.

♪ I won't do what you say ♪

♪ I won't ♪

♪ Hey, you, get out my face ♪

Wait. Can I ask you
something? What?

Y-yeah. Yes.

What do you like about me?

I like...

Your toilet paper.

You're the only girl I know
who has three-ply.

Anything else?

I like your butt.

Love that butt.

Yum yum butt.

Out!
Oh.

Was it something I said?
Yes.

♪♪

Okay, so, you need comps
from other parakeet podcasts

about when they got raises,

or else you're negotiating
in the dark.

Now, companies are usually
very secretive about this stuff,

but [laughs] I combed
through public data

and constructed a ballpark list
of compensations...

I did it!
I got all the numbers.

How the hell did you do that?

You don't even work here.

It took a lot of skill,
and I had to use

all my krav maga training.

No, just kidding.

I'm white, so I just walked
in there

and just grabbed it,
conquistador-style.

Wow. So, this is what they're
paying everybody but us?

Did you guys also get invited
to the cfo's wedding?

[ Slurps ]

What's the deal, pheebs?

I had to hear about
a new boyfriend from Jessie.

Boyfriend?
Mm-hmm.

[ laughs ] lolz.

Don't sound like me.
Come on.

You tell me everything.
What's going on?

[ Sighs ]
I met a guy.

Oh, my god.

Be less happy.
Oh. Sorry.

His name is...

Joe.
That's a good name.

I like this guy already.

Yeah.
[ chuckling ] yeah.

Look, he's smart
and funny and hot...

Mm.

But he wants
to get seer-seer,

and you know I'm about
that smash-and-dash life.

You're the queen.
Right?

But he's messed up my mojo
with the randos.

Mm. Like, I wanted
to be out here,

sailing the seas of peen,

but then I just crashed
onto good guy island.

Sounds like you met
your match.

I do really like ham...
Him.

Hmm?
Him.

Joe is the him I like.
Yeah.

So, the thought of not
seeing him anymore...

Ugh.
I just... I feel nauseous

and I have this weird
pain in my chest.

Ah. That's a tale
as old as time.

You caught feelings.

Unh-unh.
I've been safe.

But there's no condom
for your heart.

It sounds like
you found someone

who just really gets you,

and that doesn't
come along every day.

I say go for it.

Do it. Just jump.

Really?

Really.

Okay. Thanks, j.
No problem.

Don't ever touch my boobs again.
It was weird.

Yeah,
I didn't like it either.

I mean, I get that
we're undervalued,

but [scoffs]
what am I supposed to do?

Walk in there,
waving these papers around,

and say, "gotcha"?
[ sighs ]

How about this...
Let's role-play as her bosses

so you can practice
negotiating.

Great idea.
Okay.

Malika, come on in.

[ Clicks tongue ]
New York City.

10,000 people,
10,000 different stories.

I understand that you wanted
to talk to us about something.

Okay.
Yes, thank you.

If you look at the data
I supplied,

you'll see that we deserve
our salary bump now

for all the work we've done
to grow the...

Okay, you're beautiful.
You can have whatever you want.

Michael, please!
Okay, sorry.

Please continue.

Well, if you look
at market conditions,

I can show you that we'll...
this is a terrible time for this.

I am going through
a very messy divorce,

and Linda is cleaning
my ass out.

I think she's gonna
take the company.

Okay, I can't
with him, so...

Okay, look,
I know this is hard,

but if you speak
from the heart

and lean into the things
that only you and Phoebe

can bring to parakeet,
you'll kill it.

You really believe that?
Yes!

Remember, you're not
asking for a favor.

You're telling them just how
lucky they are to have you.

Oh, that's good.
Is it?

Okay.

Seriously, I don't think
I'll ever see my kids again.

Get out.

[♪♪]

[ Sighs softly ]

[♪♪]

Hi.

Hi.

I want to do this.

Let's try dating.

[♪♪]

Time for another edition
of "help a heaux"!

[ Imitates air horns ]

Okay, trash army, let me know
every romantic thing

to do in the city,

because I am ready to see it
all through the eyes of love.

♪ Something special,
I can see it in you, girl ♪

♪ It gets brighter when you walk
in the room ♪

♪ Sun tan,
it's doing you right ♪

♪ Day glow,
doing you right ♪

♪ Show me you're
a good time ♪

♪ Baby, no, I don't mind ♪

♪ Love ♪

I want what they have.

Hey, sweetheart,
what dat mouf do?

Yeah.
Ha!

You know,
I always thought

"nesting" was gross when
other people did it... [ chuckles ]

...But I think
we make it look cute.

We do.

So, let's just order
a couple sandwiches

and stay on the couch
and be adorable.

Actually, I really want to
take you to this new

farm-to-table restaurant
in the neighborhood.

The menu tells you the name
of the animal you're eating.

Yeah, but, I mean,
look, we're so cozy.

Plus, I have
a coupon to arby's.

Really? You want arby's instead
of a chicken named jf?

Yeah,
they have the meats.

Why don't you want
to go out?

Um, because that restaurant
is in Jayden's neighborhood

and I don't want
to bump into him?

Okay. So, you're still keeping
us a secret.

Yeah. Duh.

I mean, you still work
for his rival, so...

I know, but sneaking around
is...

Messy.
Sexy.

Both: What?

Stop talking so I can talk!

[ Sighs ]

look, Phoebe,
I thought we were gonna try

this dating thing for real,

and part of being real
is being honest.

[♪♪]

[ Sighs ]

You're right.
I'll tell him.

Okay.

Now, let's go eat Jeff.

[ Clucks ]

You're ignorant.
[ laughs ]

Jax.
You!

Malika!

And how do you
pronounce that?

Malika.

Got it. I want to
get that right. Yeah.

Please sit.

We're so thrilled that
you asked for this meeting.

Thrilled, queen.

So, just get it, girl.
[ laughs ]

Speak your truth.
[ chuckles ]

Okay.
I dug into the data metrics

and listener impressions,

and if you examine
these projections...

Yaaaz projections!

I cannot wait to get my eyeballs
on all of these numbers.

I'm not done.

Actually, uh...

[ sighs ]

We need
and deserve a raise.

Phoebe has a superpower
with our listeners,

and our profile
is growing every day.

I mean, look at how we got the
cover of culturist magazine.

Any network would be thrilled
to have that kind of momentum.

Do you see that?
Mm?

What?
Touch my arm.

Your...
Touch it.

Chills.
Mm.

I naturally run cold because
I have such little body fat,

but you just made me
feel something.

Good. [ Laughs ]

Um, we're excited to hear
your offer.

We're excited
to make an offer.

Ya...

[ Coughs ]

Yaaaz.

Jayden: I can't believe
you're in a relationship.

I am so excited
to meet Joe.

Yeah, there's just, um, one tiny
thing before you meet him. Mm.

Hmm?
Um, Joe is actually

Hamilton Hayes, Tom Weaver's
director of communications.

Wait, hold on.
You're back with that guy?

Before you knew who he was,
you said he sounded amazing.

Oh, so you're gonna lie
to me

so I tell you
what you want to hear?

I'm sorry,
but I really like him.

So can you please
just be happy for me?

That's a big ask.

This is, like,
a full-on betrayal.

Okay, well, then,
let's talk about it.

No. I can't even look at you
right now.

Ugh.

What?!
You're walking away from me?!

Yeah, I am, because
I'm pissed at you.

No, no, no, no, no.

I walk away from you.

No. [ Laughs ]

You're the one who messed up,
so I walk away from you.

You can't walk away
in your own house.

Where are you gonna go,
into your closet,

you dumb bitch?

You know what?
Nowhere is safe for you.

I'm gonna drag my salty balls
all over your cushions.

You don't even have balls.
You don't know my life.

We took baths together.
People change.

I got a big ol'
thang-a-lang now.

Please don't.

[ Imitates cocking gun,
firing ]

Reload.
Silencer.

[ Imitates silenced gunfire ]

Boom! I just got your couch
pregnant,

and I ain't paying
for the child support, bitch!

Fine.
I'm done, pheebs.

You get to walk away.

God forbid you don't get
what you want.

[♪♪]

Fine.

[♪♪]

[ Door opens ]

♪ Boy, if you knew ♪

so... They said their hands
are tied

on the salary bump for now,

but they did throw in access
to the company gym

and they gave me
another tote bag.

Damn!

She's gonna get them gains
and them totes.

No, you idiot.
This is a terrible deal.

I know, which is why
Phoebe and I

are going to negotiate super
hard for season three. Good.

And I'm so glad you pushed
me to talk to them. Mm.

It felt good
to face my fears.

Mm. I'm sorry things
didn't work out.

[ Cellphone chimes ]
huh.

This is interesting.

Limelight just followed us
on socials.

They have
some huge podcasts.

Maybe putting all that
boss energy out into the world

manifested something.

Hm?
Mm-hmm.

Thank you for coming
on this ride with me.

Cheers.

Oh, I think she's just talking
about me.

Okay, you better back up

or she's gonna kick you
in the jangles.

Oh, I will.
That's fine.

That means we get
to half-base.

[♪♪]

Hamilton: Coming!
Coming. Coming. Coming.

Mm.

Hey. You didn't say
you were coming.

Surprise!
[ chuckles ]

So, I told Jayden everything
because you were right...

If we want this to be real,
we gotta be honest.

Daddy, who's that?

[♪♪]

Uh, this is just my friend,
sweetie.

[♪♪]

Why don't you go, uh,
finish setting up the table?

Okay.

You have a child?

Yeah, I do.

Uh-oh. This is where
the slackers hide.

Just here to grab
the talent contracts.

Oh.
Ahh! Gotta have my java.

You know, if they ever outlaw
this stuff,

I'm gonna get
the electric chair.

[ laughs ]

[ Slurps, sighs ]

I like his energy.
We should give him a raise.

Yaaaz rai...

[ Coughs ]

Raise.

I've got
to stop smoking.

Yes. Or smoke more.
Just do something.