Everything's Trash (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
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So, as per uszhe, I
was holding court,
you know, just telling another
ah-mazing story to my baes.
Because I'm the queen,
they hang on my every word.
And the queen lives large.
So, I'm always happy to buy
a round of booze for my boos.
Your card was declined.
You being loud AF is declined!
Can you make it
four waters, though?
And when the night ends,
I go back to my castle
in a luxurious private car.
Damn.
Actually, can you take
me five bucks down
Atlantic Avenue, please?
And when I get home, my
mailbox is full of swag boxes
from companies that want me
to promote their products.
I'm living the life, y'all.
Hey, would you mind
if I actually, uh...
Wait, what's that?
This?
It's a vibrator, you ding-dong.
Yeah, I know, okay?
Go full Jerks & Caicos.
I'm talking about the
ass-ton of bills there.
Okay, can you leave so
I can pleasure myself?
Did you put clothes
on to masturbate in?
Get out!
Alright, y'all,
that's Malika Jones.
I'm Phoebe Hill, and
"Everything's Trash"!
Bye, boos!
Yass, queen.
Hey-hey, ladies.
Atticus. Virgil.
Um, we were just getting
noise bleed next door.
Mm. So, um, next time,
just need you to bring it down.
We'd never try to
silence females, but...
No. No. Shhhh.
Okay, bye. Thanks
so much, great.
Yup. Thanks. That'll
be all. Cool, cool.
God, I can't stand them. We
were barely making any noise.
"Brooklyn Dads"... who even
listens to them, anyway?!
They got, like, two subscribers.
Um, Earth to Phoebe?
Uh, yeah, I'm listening, girl.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, let me guess...
Sexting politico dude?
"Oh, Hamilton, where should
we bust it wide open next?
On top of your Kehinde
Wiley coffee table book
because you're so cultured?"
Oh.
Ooh. What?
Okay, "Dear
'Everything's Trash',
the Parakeet Media
brand is growing
and we want you to represent us
in a Culturist
magazine profile."
Stop playin'! I'm not!
"Phoebe is one of
five podcasters
to be interviewed with an
accompanying photoshoot."
Okay, Naomi Campbell, you
can retire now, bitch.
Okay! Oh, my God!
You know what this means?
Sponsorships. Bam! Mm.
Mid-season pay bump. Buh-bam.
Mm-hmm. Translaysh...
money, money,
and mo' money.
Ooh, I wonder who the
other podcasts are.
Bro, Culturist wants us.
Dude, I told you, postpartum
from a male perspective
was an important voice
missing from the discourse.
I am so grateful my wife's
pregnancy almost killed her.
Dude, 100%.
Pheebs, congratulations.
It's good press, and
you're not caught
sleepin' with the
enemy this time.
Great movie... curly haired
Julia Roberts, really my fav.
Ooh, mine too. Okay,
this is why we have to
take our relationship
to the next level.
Come on, sex, you bring
me to the cookout,
I make you potato salad
on the 4th of July.
Mnh-mm. I promise, no raisins.
I promise, no nothing.
I'm really happy
for you, Pheebs.
You know, hit me
with the details.
The photographer is McBeal.
Whoa. That's the guy that shot
Dua Lipa in lingerie and a
nun habit in a synagogue?
Mm-hmm. Dude, that guy
pissed off all the religions.
Yep, it's gonna me, the
only Black podcast host
on the network, and him,
a bomb-ass Black photographer.
Hold onto your
britches, bitches.
Wow! Where you
guys gonna shoot?
Well, the vibe is to
capture us podcasters
in our creative wombs, so natch,
we're shooting at the apartment.
Oh, baby's first
home photoshoot!
I love those! I
remember my first.
I was 12, and
Architectural Digest
shot my parents' house...
Bitch, da who shot da what?!
We have talked about
this. Right. Um,
I was 12, and my family shot
at a Sears family
portrait studio,
and I wrote Burberry...
Mnh-mm, mnh-mm.
OshKosh B'gosh.
We wore OshKosh B'gosh overalls,
and we ate at
McDonald's afterwards.
There she is. Relatable.
Listen, if you want your place
to look a little extra fancy,
you can borrow
something from ours.
We're redecorating.
Yes, we are.
Check out the
scope of work. Hmm?
Mm-hmm. Yeah. That couch
is the boat shoes of sofas.
Y'all gonna be watching
"Atlanta" sitting on Sperrys.
First off, I watch
"Atlanta" on the weekends
while soaking in
my claw-foot tub.
Barf. And second,
this design plan is clean,
modern, sophisticated.
I think you mean
basic, bland, boring.
Excuse me!
Our place is
strikingly original.
Is our place
strikingly original?
I mean, I don't care what
your sister says, but, um,
is this a little bland,
basic, and boring?
Yeah. She might be right
that we have Ben Carson drip.
Well, I didn't
grow up like that!
I mean, seriously!
Check out this old photos.
- What?
- Oh, there she is.
Oh, wow. You were already hot.
I was 12, you creep. Oh.
But seriously, look at
how my mom did up my room.
Such a Yoruba flex,
and they loved it,
and then I turned 15 and covered
the walls with Eminem posters.
You know what? I rebelled,
too. When I was in high school,
I dated a Bengals fan.
Nearly killed my father.
Yeah. Well, my rebellion
made me push my culture away
a little bit... sometimes
I wonder if I pulled away
too much. Well, not true.
You still make that jollof
rice like twice a week.
But I'm talking about
something deeper than that.
I mean, we are redecorating.
Mm. Might be nice
to put more of me in our home.
I love that. I love more you.
Aww. I want to do
it right, though.
Yeah. You know, we
could call your mom.
I could call my friend Idris!
Idris? Your old
boyfriend, Idris?
You want to call him to help
us redecorate our house?
Yeah, I'm totally
comfortable with that.
Look, we both know how
intense my mom is, okay?
She'd send us a semi full
of stuff we didn't choose.
Idris is the safer bet.
Besides, we were
completely incompatible.
Oh, yeah? You
couldn't make it work
with "The Bachelor:
Nigerian Edition"?
I'll eventually come around,
but I'm keeping my eye on him.
For me or you? I don't
know. It's a toss up.
Huh?
You got it? Yeah.
Why are we lifting things?
I thought I was just
supposed to pose and be cute?
'Cause we gotta get this right.
He'll probably want to
use this light over here.
Is this the last of
it.
Okay, Michael,
what are you doing?
I was just practicing
my hot-ass poses,
so when this photographer
sees me, he's gonna bust in
his jeans, introduce me to
Dua Lipa, we fall in love
on the photoshoot, do something
small, something respectful,
maybe a ceremony in Monaco,
and next, I'm Mr. Dua Lipa.
Okay, you're not a
part of the shoot.
Ignore him. We got to
find you a look, Auntie.
Let's go. That's why
I came camera-ready.
You're not a part of the shoot!
Your loss.
Oh, well, well, well.
What does the voice of a
podcast generaysh wear?
Okay. I ain't got shit.
But I have a really good idea.
Move.
Girl, your really good
idea costs $1,200?
You can't even afford
the tax on this dress.
Uh, that's what
credit cards are for.
Ah! Okay.
Right? Whoo!
Elegance! Elegance!
It's giving, "I
have read a book."
Ooh, Scholastic
Book Fair, bitch.
Listen, I know the price
on this dress is cray-cray,
and I'm broke as hell
but we deserve this.
Come on, now, Parakeet don't
really let Black women shine.
Mm. Trust me, I know.
Yeah, we are the first,
and sometimes, you
gotta bet on yourself.
Hence, this dress.
Oh. Pheebs?
Yes?
I can see the lower right
quadrant of your coochie.
Yeah, I mean, that's
why you pay $1,200.
Ooh, don't mind if I do!
Okay, who exactly
let you in here?
Oh, I'm always here on Fridays.
That's when the
"Skinny Ladies Who Eat"
podcast puts out the spread.
I don't mind that they
take teeny-tiny bites
out of everything.
Okay.
Game changer.
A digital cover is
now up for grabs.
Mm-hmm. Chosen by the
Culturist editor-in-chief.
Okay, in that case, those
other heifers need not bother.
I took that dress for a
little trial run last night
at the gym... Hold up. You
wore that dress to the gym?
Hell yeah! And you should try
and see dudes try and do squats
with half chubs...
It's very difficult.
You know what? We about to
crush the "Brooklyn Dads"
and "Murder Gals".
Did someone say "Murder Gals"?
Why the hell do you have a gun?
It's the gun John Hinckley
Jr. Shot Reagan with.
I made love to a curator
at the Reagan Library,
and he's letting us borrow this.
I can't get a bank loan,
they get a whole ass
presidential murder weapon?
Girl, you know they just
mail guns to white girls.
So, we have a famous gun,
we're doing a photoshoot
at my parents' house
in the Hamptons,
and Anna Wintour's
second assistant
is gonna be styling us...
So, we're getting the cover.
Bye.
I mean, actually, we're
getting the cover!
She's right, though, that'll
resonate with their audience.
You know Reagan's like
the 50 Cent of POTUSes.
Damn it, Malika, we
gotta do something!
I know.
What, what, what, what? I
got it, I got it, I got it.
Okay. "Black excellence."
The Obamas, Mandela.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it.
"Black sex-cellence."
Bam! Okay, what do all these
kings and queens have in common
besides moisturized skin?
Mm-mm. Owls!
This is my chance to enter
the pantheon of
fine AF Black people
posing with owls, okay?
What's more Black and
excellent than this?
Inventing peanut butter,
ladies from "Hidden Figures,"
I mean, most of popular music.
What? I'm an ally.
Anyway. I mean, I
love the owl idea,
but where you 'bout to
get one in Brooklyn?
Oh, I got an owl guy.
Why do you have an owl guy?
Why do you not have an owl guy?
What is this, 2009?
You live with him. I know.
How? It's hard.
Amy, I want you to meet my
good friends, Jessie and...
Jayden. Very nice to meet you.
Much like my good
friend Idris here,
my teeth are also
extremely white.
Okay, sweetie.
Let's get started.
Yes. We have some great
things to show over here.
Okay, just... Follow me.
Hey, Jessie!
I can't believe you
called me about this.
'Cause in college, you were
lil' more Miss Beige Everything
than repping Nigeria.
Well, you know how it is
at that age. Uh-huh.
I was finding myself,
experimenting.
Ah!
Ha-ha! Sorry. No
closed captioning here.
Mind running it back in
English so I can understand?
He was just testing my
Nigerian bona fides,
but I still got it like that.
So, these are nice.
These are our hand-beaded
Yoruba chairs.
Oh, my dad had these in his
library when I was a kid.
Oh, Bart. How is he doing?
He's good. Good, good.
Bart. He's doing well.
Yeah, Bart, great.
Makes me call him Chief.
Bart. Yeah. Hey, Amy?
What about a mirror?
Yes, yes, yes! That
one is beautiful.
This is my personal fave.
Handcrafted by Ododo Yemisi.
Mm. She has a studio in Lagos.
This would be perfect
over the mantle.
Mm. Then you must grab it.
It's going to sell... Let
me just say that a certain
unnamed hip hop star who
started from the bottom
and now he's here, was here.
Oh, him? He refused
to sign my DVDs
at Degrassi-fest in 2003.
You still
salty about that?
You been talking about
that since freshman year.
What? So many shared memories.
It's perfect. We'll
take it. Perfect.
Let's wrap it up.
Let's wrap it up!
It's coming together!
Right? Oh, my God. Wait.
Is the photoshoot
happening today?
You're not a part
of the photoshoot!
God. Okay, room,
you lookin' cute.
Looking like a snack.
'Lika, take a pic.
We should probably put
some cheese out, right,
for the corner? Wait, why?
So Chuck doesn't
wander into the shot.
Who the hell is Chuck?
The mouse that lives here.
Oh, my God! Are you serious?
You named him?
Oh, no. I'm not insane.
With the adventures
we've had together,
he's essentially earned
that name himself.
Okay, see, this is what happens
when you've never been
cussed out by your parents.
Mm-hmm. Michael,
when the owl coming?
Oh, yeah. About that.
My regular owl guy,
not texting me back.
Mnh-mm. What's the point?
Look. Look at this.
The "Brooklyn Dads" cheersing
their little babies heads.
Weaponized cuteness. Mm.
All we got is Chuck.
Yeah.
Maybe this isn't giving the
Black excellence we need.
You guys, I have a
really, really good idea.
Oh, so we doing bland,
boring, and basic?
What? This place is bomb. I
was just playing with them.
It's way better than my
shit, which is broke,
busted, and bootleg.
And Jayden and Jessie
are cool with this?
Dude, they're deep in
Jersey. We'll be in and out.
No one has to know.
Yup. My other owl guy text.
Other owl guy? You
seriously don't have
a second owl guy? I...
Okay. We're good to go.
This is Archimedes. Yasss!
Oh, my God, girl!
Do you see it?
See what? It's a young
Black teenage girl
with tiny taters who has
me on her vision board.
Check it out. Oh.
Girl, go get those tiny
taters in that dress.
- Oh, my God!
- Gorgeous.
Girl, you are giving.
Oh, you know what?
It's a hard day
being a supermodel.
Oh, actually, can
we delete that one?
Archimedes is not
gonna like that.
He looks tired.
Black excellence.
Uh-uh-uh-uh. Black
sex-cellence.
All: Okay!
Phoebe? What's going on?
Everyone, get down!
They hate mirrors!
Oh, God!
Make it stop!
What is happening?
Are there more?
You brought a photo
crew and a raptor
into our house without
our permission?
McBeal's not a
rapper... Like, I mean,
he's photographed rappers...
A raptor!
An owl!
A hoot hoot!
I-I'm sorry.
Like, I had to.
My apartment didn't have
the Black excellence
I needed to win that cover.
How am I supposed to
compete with everyone else?
Everyone? Yeah...
"Murder Gals",
"Brooklyn Dads", y'all.
I ain't got no money.
I can't afford no cloud couch
or fancy-ass mirrors.
And what's up with
that mirror, anyway?
That, uh... Oh.
Uh... Wait, is this because of
what I said about your house?
No! A little bit.
Y'all, I was just playing.
This place is amazing.
You said it was basic.
Basic Black, which
is great, you know?
It's slimming, timeless,
perfect for every ocaszh.
It's you. You don't
have to say all that,
because actually, you
being an idiot got me
thinking about how I want
to redecorate this place.
Oh! So, everything worked out
the way it was supposed to be.
I was an idiot, I
changed your lives.
So, I'm just gonna skedaddle...
You're still paying for it!
Ugh, balls.
You know...
You know, as crazy as today was,
it was really special to see
all those Nigerian pieces.
Mm.
I think I'm gonna call
my mom and invite her
for a girl's weekend.
She would love
that place. Yeah.
You know what, that
would be like a nice
mother-daughter thing. Mm-hmm.
And I really think she'd
like to see Idris again, too.
Tell him to...
Actually, you know what?
You got me thinking,
maybe it's time
I bring some of my
Cleveland culture in here.
Uh-oh. Right? Like,
a big oil painting
of Drew Carey on that wall.
Dream with me.
Must I?
Okay, I see you, cover girl.
Damn, this pic is giving
"I won't break up your marriage,
but your husband was
tempted."
Uh-oh, here's some
ego candy coming in.
"Pheebs is
#BlackExcellenceGoals.
PS, does the owl
have its own room
in your big-ass house?"
Thanks, boo-boo.
That owl, that house,
I rep it all day, e'eryday.
Screw it.
You okay?
I gotta come clean, y'all.
That ain't my house,
not my furniture,
the owl was a rental,
and I'm pretty sure that
photo editor gave me,
like, 10% less face.
As much as I like
looking at that picture,
I feel like...
I'm kind of a little
bit lyin'-ass heaux.
Anyway, I'm so sorry
I made some of y'all feel like
you couldn't keep up with a
life that I wasn't even living.
I was stupid, I was just trying
to represent the culture,
and I-I got caught up.
It's just that...
Black excellence
is a bitch, right?
I know that's right.
Being broke doesn't mean
you're a bad person.
It means that life
is freakin' hard.
And you're doing
the best you can,
and I think I'm okay
representing that.
So, broke bitches,
y'all better mount up with me!
And we gonna pay our bills
on the eighth of the month.
Uh, she means the
first of the month.
Pay your bills on time.
Pay your bills on time.
No, no. You can
pay on the 23rd.
It's a little funky. Mnh-mm.
But they'll still
take the money, okay?
That's Malika Jones,
I'm Phoebe Hill,
and "Everything's Trash"!
Bye, heauxes!
Girl...
I'm so proud of you.
Thanks! But for
real, I'm broke.
I need some money.
So, you're saying you can get
my monthly payment down to $250?
Okay. You have a
headboard, right?
Yes, I am that flexible.
You got to hold on sometimes.
Okay, boy, I gotta go. Bye.
Who was that? I think
I'm gonna
the Sallie Mae guy. Mm.
Anyway, you promise
not to judge?
You smashing the Sallie Mae guy?
Okay, his name is Demetrius.
Ooh, cute.
It is, but I'm
talking about my bill box.
Damn, bitch!
Uh, I mean, I'm sorry.
Okay. Yeah, we all have bills.
Um, how underwater are you?
Ooh, last I checked, $60K.
Sweet baby Jesus.
But you know what?
There's no more shoving
things in this box.
I got everything under contr...
Damn.
I missed Lisa's wedding.
Oh, they divorced already.
---
So, as per uszhe, I
was holding court,
you know, just telling another
ah-mazing story to my baes.
Because I'm the queen,
they hang on my every word.
And the queen lives large.
So, I'm always happy to buy
a round of booze for my boos.
Your card was declined.
You being loud AF is declined!
Can you make it
four waters, though?
And when the night ends,
I go back to my castle
in a luxurious private car.
Damn.
Actually, can you take
me five bucks down
Atlantic Avenue, please?
And when I get home, my
mailbox is full of swag boxes
from companies that want me
to promote their products.
I'm living the life, y'all.
Hey, would you mind
if I actually, uh...
Wait, what's that?
This?
It's a vibrator, you ding-dong.
Yeah, I know, okay?
Go full Jerks & Caicos.
I'm talking about the
ass-ton of bills there.
Okay, can you leave so
I can pleasure myself?
Did you put clothes
on to masturbate in?
Get out!
Alright, y'all,
that's Malika Jones.
I'm Phoebe Hill, and
"Everything's Trash"!
Bye, boos!
Yass, queen.
Hey-hey, ladies.
Atticus. Virgil.
Um, we were just getting
noise bleed next door.
Mm. So, um, next time,
just need you to bring it down.
We'd never try to
silence females, but...
No. No. Shhhh.
Okay, bye. Thanks
so much, great.
Yup. Thanks. That'll
be all. Cool, cool.
God, I can't stand them. We
were barely making any noise.
"Brooklyn Dads"... who even
listens to them, anyway?!
They got, like, two subscribers.
Um, Earth to Phoebe?
Uh, yeah, I'm listening, girl.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, let me guess...
Sexting politico dude?
"Oh, Hamilton, where should
we bust it wide open next?
On top of your Kehinde
Wiley coffee table book
because you're so cultured?"
Oh.
Ooh. What?
Okay, "Dear
'Everything's Trash',
the Parakeet Media
brand is growing
and we want you to represent us
in a Culturist
magazine profile."
Stop playin'! I'm not!
"Phoebe is one of
five podcasters
to be interviewed with an
accompanying photoshoot."
Okay, Naomi Campbell, you
can retire now, bitch.
Okay! Oh, my God!
You know what this means?
Sponsorships. Bam! Mm.
Mid-season pay bump. Buh-bam.
Mm-hmm. Translaysh...
money, money,
and mo' money.
Ooh, I wonder who the
other podcasts are.
Bro, Culturist wants us.
Dude, I told you, postpartum
from a male perspective
was an important voice
missing from the discourse.
I am so grateful my wife's
pregnancy almost killed her.
Dude, 100%.
Pheebs, congratulations.
It's good press, and
you're not caught
sleepin' with the
enemy this time.
Great movie... curly haired
Julia Roberts, really my fav.
Ooh, mine too. Okay,
this is why we have to
take our relationship
to the next level.
Come on, sex, you bring
me to the cookout,
I make you potato salad
on the 4th of July.
Mnh-mm. I promise, no raisins.
I promise, no nothing.
I'm really happy
for you, Pheebs.
You know, hit me
with the details.
The photographer is McBeal.
Whoa. That's the guy that shot
Dua Lipa in lingerie and a
nun habit in a synagogue?
Mm-hmm. Dude, that guy
pissed off all the religions.
Yep, it's gonna me, the
only Black podcast host
on the network, and him,
a bomb-ass Black photographer.
Hold onto your
britches, bitches.
Wow! Where you
guys gonna shoot?
Well, the vibe is to
capture us podcasters
in our creative wombs, so natch,
we're shooting at the apartment.
Oh, baby's first
home photoshoot!
I love those! I
remember my first.
I was 12, and
Architectural Digest
shot my parents' house...
Bitch, da who shot da what?!
We have talked about
this. Right. Um,
I was 12, and my family shot
at a Sears family
portrait studio,
and I wrote Burberry...
Mnh-mm, mnh-mm.
OshKosh B'gosh.
We wore OshKosh B'gosh overalls,
and we ate at
McDonald's afterwards.
There she is. Relatable.
Listen, if you want your place
to look a little extra fancy,
you can borrow
something from ours.
We're redecorating.
Yes, we are.
Check out the
scope of work. Hmm?
Mm-hmm. Yeah. That couch
is the boat shoes of sofas.
Y'all gonna be watching
"Atlanta" sitting on Sperrys.
First off, I watch
"Atlanta" on the weekends
while soaking in
my claw-foot tub.
Barf. And second,
this design plan is clean,
modern, sophisticated.
I think you mean
basic, bland, boring.
Excuse me!
Our place is
strikingly original.
Is our place
strikingly original?
I mean, I don't care what
your sister says, but, um,
is this a little bland,
basic, and boring?
Yeah. She might be right
that we have Ben Carson drip.
Well, I didn't
grow up like that!
I mean, seriously!
Check out this old photos.
- What?
- Oh, there she is.
Oh, wow. You were already hot.
I was 12, you creep. Oh.
But seriously, look at
how my mom did up my room.
Such a Yoruba flex,
and they loved it,
and then I turned 15 and covered
the walls with Eminem posters.
You know what? I rebelled,
too. When I was in high school,
I dated a Bengals fan.
Nearly killed my father.
Yeah. Well, my rebellion
made me push my culture away
a little bit... sometimes
I wonder if I pulled away
too much. Well, not true.
You still make that jollof
rice like twice a week.
But I'm talking about
something deeper than that.
I mean, we are redecorating.
Mm. Might be nice
to put more of me in our home.
I love that. I love more you.
Aww. I want to do
it right, though.
Yeah. You know, we
could call your mom.
I could call my friend Idris!
Idris? Your old
boyfriend, Idris?
You want to call him to help
us redecorate our house?
Yeah, I'm totally
comfortable with that.
Look, we both know how
intense my mom is, okay?
She'd send us a semi full
of stuff we didn't choose.
Idris is the safer bet.
Besides, we were
completely incompatible.
Oh, yeah? You
couldn't make it work
with "The Bachelor:
Nigerian Edition"?
I'll eventually come around,
but I'm keeping my eye on him.
For me or you? I don't
know. It's a toss up.
Huh?
You got it? Yeah.
Why are we lifting things?
I thought I was just
supposed to pose and be cute?
'Cause we gotta get this right.
He'll probably want to
use this light over here.
Is this the last of
it.
Okay, Michael,
what are you doing?
I was just practicing
my hot-ass poses,
so when this photographer
sees me, he's gonna bust in
his jeans, introduce me to
Dua Lipa, we fall in love
on the photoshoot, do something
small, something respectful,
maybe a ceremony in Monaco,
and next, I'm Mr. Dua Lipa.
Okay, you're not a
part of the shoot.
Ignore him. We got to
find you a look, Auntie.
Let's go. That's why
I came camera-ready.
You're not a part of the shoot!
Your loss.
Oh, well, well, well.
What does the voice of a
podcast generaysh wear?
Okay. I ain't got shit.
But I have a really good idea.
Move.
Girl, your really good
idea costs $1,200?
You can't even afford
the tax on this dress.
Uh, that's what
credit cards are for.
Ah! Okay.
Right? Whoo!
Elegance! Elegance!
It's giving, "I
have read a book."
Ooh, Scholastic
Book Fair, bitch.
Listen, I know the price
on this dress is cray-cray,
and I'm broke as hell
but we deserve this.
Come on, now, Parakeet don't
really let Black women shine.
Mm. Trust me, I know.
Yeah, we are the first,
and sometimes, you
gotta bet on yourself.
Hence, this dress.
Oh. Pheebs?
Yes?
I can see the lower right
quadrant of your coochie.
Yeah, I mean, that's
why you pay $1,200.
Ooh, don't mind if I do!
Okay, who exactly
let you in here?
Oh, I'm always here on Fridays.
That's when the
"Skinny Ladies Who Eat"
podcast puts out the spread.
I don't mind that they
take teeny-tiny bites
out of everything.
Okay.
Game changer.
A digital cover is
now up for grabs.
Mm-hmm. Chosen by the
Culturist editor-in-chief.
Okay, in that case, those
other heifers need not bother.
I took that dress for a
little trial run last night
at the gym... Hold up. You
wore that dress to the gym?
Hell yeah! And you should try
and see dudes try and do squats
with half chubs...
It's very difficult.
You know what? We about to
crush the "Brooklyn Dads"
and "Murder Gals".
Did someone say "Murder Gals"?
Why the hell do you have a gun?
It's the gun John Hinckley
Jr. Shot Reagan with.
I made love to a curator
at the Reagan Library,
and he's letting us borrow this.
I can't get a bank loan,
they get a whole ass
presidential murder weapon?
Girl, you know they just
mail guns to white girls.
So, we have a famous gun,
we're doing a photoshoot
at my parents' house
in the Hamptons,
and Anna Wintour's
second assistant
is gonna be styling us...
So, we're getting the cover.
Bye.
I mean, actually, we're
getting the cover!
She's right, though, that'll
resonate with their audience.
You know Reagan's like
the 50 Cent of POTUSes.
Damn it, Malika, we
gotta do something!
I know.
What, what, what, what? I
got it, I got it, I got it.
Okay. "Black excellence."
The Obamas, Mandela.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it.
"Black sex-cellence."
Bam! Okay, what do all these
kings and queens have in common
besides moisturized skin?
Mm-mm. Owls!
This is my chance to enter
the pantheon of
fine AF Black people
posing with owls, okay?
What's more Black and
excellent than this?
Inventing peanut butter,
ladies from "Hidden Figures,"
I mean, most of popular music.
What? I'm an ally.
Anyway. I mean, I
love the owl idea,
but where you 'bout to
get one in Brooklyn?
Oh, I got an owl guy.
Why do you have an owl guy?
Why do you not have an owl guy?
What is this, 2009?
You live with him. I know.
How? It's hard.
Amy, I want you to meet my
good friends, Jessie and...
Jayden. Very nice to meet you.
Much like my good
friend Idris here,
my teeth are also
extremely white.
Okay, sweetie.
Let's get started.
Yes. We have some great
things to show over here.
Okay, just... Follow me.
Hey, Jessie!
I can't believe you
called me about this.
'Cause in college, you were
lil' more Miss Beige Everything
than repping Nigeria.
Well, you know how it is
at that age. Uh-huh.
I was finding myself,
experimenting.
Ah!
Ha-ha! Sorry. No
closed captioning here.
Mind running it back in
English so I can understand?
He was just testing my
Nigerian bona fides,
but I still got it like that.
So, these are nice.
These are our hand-beaded
Yoruba chairs.
Oh, my dad had these in his
library when I was a kid.
Oh, Bart. How is he doing?
He's good. Good, good.
Bart. He's doing well.
Yeah, Bart, great.
Makes me call him Chief.
Bart. Yeah. Hey, Amy?
What about a mirror?
Yes, yes, yes! That
one is beautiful.
This is my personal fave.
Handcrafted by Ododo Yemisi.
Mm. She has a studio in Lagos.
This would be perfect
over the mantle.
Mm. Then you must grab it.
It's going to sell... Let
me just say that a certain
unnamed hip hop star who
started from the bottom
and now he's here, was here.
Oh, him? He refused
to sign my DVDs
at Degrassi-fest in 2003.
You still
salty about that?
You been talking about
that since freshman year.
What? So many shared memories.
It's perfect. We'll
take it. Perfect.
Let's wrap it up.
Let's wrap it up!
It's coming together!
Right? Oh, my God. Wait.
Is the photoshoot
happening today?
You're not a part
of the photoshoot!
God. Okay, room,
you lookin' cute.
Looking like a snack.
'Lika, take a pic.
We should probably put
some cheese out, right,
for the corner? Wait, why?
So Chuck doesn't
wander into the shot.
Who the hell is Chuck?
The mouse that lives here.
Oh, my God! Are you serious?
You named him?
Oh, no. I'm not insane.
With the adventures
we've had together,
he's essentially earned
that name himself.
Okay, see, this is what happens
when you've never been
cussed out by your parents.
Mm-hmm. Michael,
when the owl coming?
Oh, yeah. About that.
My regular owl guy,
not texting me back.
Mnh-mm. What's the point?
Look. Look at this.
The "Brooklyn Dads" cheersing
their little babies heads.
Weaponized cuteness. Mm.
All we got is Chuck.
Yeah.
Maybe this isn't giving the
Black excellence we need.
You guys, I have a
really, really good idea.
Oh, so we doing bland,
boring, and basic?
What? This place is bomb. I
was just playing with them.
It's way better than my
shit, which is broke,
busted, and bootleg.
And Jayden and Jessie
are cool with this?
Dude, they're deep in
Jersey. We'll be in and out.
No one has to know.
Yup. My other owl guy text.
Other owl guy? You
seriously don't have
a second owl guy? I...
Okay. We're good to go.
This is Archimedes. Yasss!
Oh, my God, girl!
Do you see it?
See what? It's a young
Black teenage girl
with tiny taters who has
me on her vision board.
Check it out. Oh.
Girl, go get those tiny
taters in that dress.
- Oh, my God!
- Gorgeous.
Girl, you are giving.
Oh, you know what?
It's a hard day
being a supermodel.
Oh, actually, can
we delete that one?
Archimedes is not
gonna like that.
He looks tired.
Black excellence.
Uh-uh-uh-uh. Black
sex-cellence.
All: Okay!
Phoebe? What's going on?
Everyone, get down!
They hate mirrors!
Oh, God!
Make it stop!
What is happening?
Are there more?
You brought a photo
crew and a raptor
into our house without
our permission?
McBeal's not a
rapper... Like, I mean,
he's photographed rappers...
A raptor!
An owl!
A hoot hoot!
I-I'm sorry.
Like, I had to.
My apartment didn't have
the Black excellence
I needed to win that cover.
How am I supposed to
compete with everyone else?
Everyone? Yeah...
"Murder Gals",
"Brooklyn Dads", y'all.
I ain't got no money.
I can't afford no cloud couch
or fancy-ass mirrors.
And what's up with
that mirror, anyway?
That, uh... Oh.
Uh... Wait, is this because of
what I said about your house?
No! A little bit.
Y'all, I was just playing.
This place is amazing.
You said it was basic.
Basic Black, which
is great, you know?
It's slimming, timeless,
perfect for every ocaszh.
It's you. You don't
have to say all that,
because actually, you
being an idiot got me
thinking about how I want
to redecorate this place.
Oh! So, everything worked out
the way it was supposed to be.
I was an idiot, I
changed your lives.
So, I'm just gonna skedaddle...
You're still paying for it!
Ugh, balls.
You know...
You know, as crazy as today was,
it was really special to see
all those Nigerian pieces.
Mm.
I think I'm gonna call
my mom and invite her
for a girl's weekend.
She would love
that place. Yeah.
You know what, that
would be like a nice
mother-daughter thing. Mm-hmm.
And I really think she'd
like to see Idris again, too.
Tell him to...
Actually, you know what?
You got me thinking,
maybe it's time
I bring some of my
Cleveland culture in here.
Uh-oh. Right? Like,
a big oil painting
of Drew Carey on that wall.
Dream with me.
Must I?
Okay, I see you, cover girl.
Damn, this pic is giving
"I won't break up your marriage,
but your husband was
tempted."
Uh-oh, here's some
ego candy coming in.
"Pheebs is
#BlackExcellenceGoals.
PS, does the owl
have its own room
in your big-ass house?"
Thanks, boo-boo.
That owl, that house,
I rep it all day, e'eryday.
Screw it.
You okay?
I gotta come clean, y'all.
That ain't my house,
not my furniture,
the owl was a rental,
and I'm pretty sure that
photo editor gave me,
like, 10% less face.
As much as I like
looking at that picture,
I feel like...
I'm kind of a little
bit lyin'-ass heaux.
Anyway, I'm so sorry
I made some of y'all feel like
you couldn't keep up with a
life that I wasn't even living.
I was stupid, I was just trying
to represent the culture,
and I-I got caught up.
It's just that...
Black excellence
is a bitch, right?
I know that's right.
Being broke doesn't mean
you're a bad person.
It means that life
is freakin' hard.
And you're doing
the best you can,
and I think I'm okay
representing that.
So, broke bitches,
y'all better mount up with me!
And we gonna pay our bills
on the eighth of the month.
Uh, she means the
first of the month.
Pay your bills on time.
Pay your bills on time.
No, no. You can
pay on the 23rd.
It's a little funky. Mnh-mm.
But they'll still
take the money, okay?
That's Malika Jones,
I'm Phoebe Hill,
and "Everything's Trash"!
Bye, heauxes!
Girl...
I'm so proud of you.
Thanks! But for
real, I'm broke.
I need some money.
So, you're saying you can get
my monthly payment down to $250?
Okay. You have a
headboard, right?
Yes, I am that flexible.
You got to hold on sometimes.
Okay, boy, I gotta go. Bye.
Who was that? I think
I'm gonna
the Sallie Mae guy. Mm.
Anyway, you promise
not to judge?
You smashing the Sallie Mae guy?
Okay, his name is Demetrius.
Ooh, cute.
It is, but I'm
talking about my bill box.
Damn, bitch!
Uh, I mean, I'm sorry.
Okay. Yeah, we all have bills.
Um, how underwater are you?
Ooh, last I checked, $60K.
Sweet baby Jesus.
But you know what?
There's no more shoving
things in this box.
I got everything under contr...
Damn.
I missed Lisa's wedding.
Oh, they divorced already.