Everything's Trash (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Election Night Is Trash - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
[sips] Mmm.

Whoa, you're up early.

Yeah, never slept. This is
my third one of these. You want three?

-I can make you three right now.
-No, just one.

[laughs] Well, today's the day we vote
for me. Jayden Hill for State Assembly.

-Bars.
-That's today?

-Damn, I should have registered to vote.
-What?

Kidding. Bam, baby!

Let's hit them polls.

Yes.

[Jayden hums] Jayden Hill. [chuckles]



That's our man. Whoo.

Not Tom Weaver. Not Tom Weaver.

No, no, no, no, no. No.

Okay. All right. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Hi. Hi.

Hi. I need a new ballot.

-What?
-I said, "I need a new ballot"!

-Well, what happened to the other one?
-I voted for--

I voted for Tom Weaver.

-What?
-I voted for my opponent, Tom Weaver!

-Shh.
-Aren't you a sweet young man.

-[Jessie yelps]
-[Jayden gasps]

Would you like a sticker?

Yes.



Oh, hey, I saw your brother's attack ad.

Wasn't bad. Too little, too late though.

Uh-uh. Jayden's numbers are way up.

Clearly people loved him serving
severe bubble guts at the town hall.

Nothing more relatable than diarrhea.

But people love Tom.

I'm sorry, babe, we got this one on lock.

Okay, first of all,

apology: hot trash.

And second, look at this garbage.

I have nothing to wear
for this Limelight meeting.

And they're supposed to fall in love
with me, ask about my skincare routine,

and pay me so much money
that it's gonna threaten your manhood.

Yeah, mostly gone.

-Why am I so traditional?
-Tradition's good.

-Now missionary me, bitch.
-Really?

What? Just because we're election day
enemies doesn't mean we can't smash.

Listen. So I was thinking,

maybe after the election,
we can get away for a little bit.

My friends Trevor and Zadie have
this beautiful farmhouse upstate.

Mmm.

Do you have anything less
Underground Railroady?

Trying to whisk you to safety.

You're so stupid. Okay, fine. Whatever.

Now, will you please missionary me.

[Jayden]
I voted for my opponent, Tom Weaver.

-Why are you watching that?
-I follow Hamilton on Insta.

-Why?
-He's got great tips for leg day.

-[Jessie sighs]
-[Jayden] Oh.

Anyway, he posted this
about 20 minutes ago.

What a jerk. I hope he's not
having sex with your sister right now.

Ugh. This is such bad mojo.

-Or-- Or-- Or is it an opportunity?
-Hmm?

Turn this screw-up into an election day
every-vote-counts last-minute push.

-Yes! Yes.
-Mm-hmm.

Okay. I make up for my blown vote

by outworking Tom Weaver
for every last vote

because every vote counts.

I like it.
And I graciously accept your offer

of being your social media manager
for this.

Why would we let you do that?

[Jayden] Yes!

Yes. I make up for my blown vote

by outworking Tom Weaver
for every last vote

because every vote counts.

-You're hired.
-Great.

And, if you look closely, you can see
I added a sexy little birthmark for you.

That's a penis where my nose should be.

I don't hate it.

Man, look at these chumps.

They have no idea this is
their last glimpse of our melanated skin.

Uh-uh. Calm down.

It's just a meeting at Limelight,
so be cool.

True, true. You right.

-Oh, hell no!
-Oh, hell no!

These bitches screw us over with Jax
and get a bomb-ass office.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
My cocoa queens, don't be sad.

This is a really important lesson.

I asked them to be my eyes and ears

and tip me off to any disloyalty
in the company,

and when they did, I rewarded them.

But you get a reward too because
now you know they're not your friends.

See?

I love teaching.

And I'm so honored to be your mentor.

Okay. We're gonna go.

Uh, we gonna be late for that thingamabob.

-Right.
-Yeah.

[hums]

Actually. Bitches, listen up.
I have an announcement to make.

Malika and I are taking a meeting
at Limelight and y'all should join us.

Ignore her, y'all.

She got the sugar, like my grandma.

Just be saying crazy shit,
yelling at the TV,

trying to dry-hump T.D. Jakes.
You know how it is.

Uh-uh. I know exactly what I'm doing.

It's time we skeet skeet on 'Keet 'Keet.

'Cause Limelight,
they know how to treat their talent.

And they respect Black women,

and would never ever ask
to touch our hair.

And you do have to ask, okay.
I learned that the hard way.

Well, learn this: Kiss my ass.

[Malika] Girl, stop.

[Phoebe]
Yep, Limelight's where we're headed.

Contracts have been drawn,

and our preferred snacks
have been written up in a rider.

Rice cakes, the drier the better.

I know, it's weird. Mind your business.

So, no contracts have been drawn.

And this is the first I'm hearing
of rice cakes.

I don't--

We are taking this. Reparations.

[Malika]
I'ma just grab her a PB&J and she be good.

-I promise.
-'Lika, come on.

So, um, my astrologer, Raven,
told me today would be vexing.

So basically, you know,

taking on polluters, fighting for tenants,
making sure schools have what they need.

-That's what I'm all about.
-For real though,

we weren't even gonna vote,
but you seem dece.

-Oh.
-We'll hit up the polls now.

-Cool.
-Yo, can we get a selfie?

-Yes.
-Of course. Come on in, guys.

-All right. Here we go.
-#Jayden Hill.

-Nice. Thanks.
-Thank you.

-Thanks.
-Hope you win, man.

-All right.
-See?

You already more than made up
for wasting your vote.

So, I'll upload this to your website,
re-tweet it,

and then I'll DM Kim Kardashian,
hope for a shout-out.

That'll be $10,000.

-I don't have 10,000--
-What?

-Jessie, give me your shoes.
-No.

-Hold on. My wallet's gone.
-What?

-Do you think those guys took my wallet?
-You know what? Look at this.

That's where he puts his hand.
Right behind your back.

That's probably when he took it.

I mean, no offense, but why else
would those guys want a picture with you?

Thanks. I gotta…

So, it was our last night in Vegas

and we had a 10-second opening to convince
Bono to come back to the hotel with us.

Sadly, he rolled up the window on his limo
and peeled out.

Yeah, but you know
he jacked it to us later that night.

Yeah, of course he did.

Look, there's only a few things in life
that are absolute.

A martini should always be stirred,
never shaken.

Don't go to Rome in August,
it is full of tourists.

And Irish dudes love Black women.

Yeah, I know. Like, Liam Neeson has been
on Lil' Kim's jock for years.

-Really?
-No, you ding-dong.

[all laugh]

You know who else loves Black women?
Our audience.

It's grown by 60%.
Phoebe has spoken at panels,

-she's gotten magazine covers, she--
-Let us just stop you right there.

You don't need to sell us
on Everything's Trash.

We're on board. We want you.

You're gonna get an offer
I think you'll really like.

-Wow, great.
-Congratulations.

Hey, Pheebs, hang on a sec.

Love that Bono story.

-Thanks.
-So fun.

Just so you know, we really just want you.

Excuse me?

We pair all of our stars
with in-house producers.

Just how we do things.

-Officers. Officers.
-Hi.

Someone stole my wallet, okay?

-Actually, it was two guys.
-Okay.

-One was white.
-Yeah.

-About 6', right?
-Uh-huh.

-The other was 5'10".
-Uh-huh.

And he was Bla--

What was he, sir?

He was Bla-- Blah-blah-blah.

Okay,
I don't know what "Blah-blah-blah" is.

What? Did he talk about stuff incessantly
in a way that bored ya?

-Uh…
-Yeah, he was Black.

One was Black and one was white.

And they stole his wallet

because of the dearth of opportunities
in this community

because Tom Weaver
hasn't served the people in years.

That's right, you guys.

I'm Jayden Hill,
and I'm running for State Assembly.

And I will fight for our community.

So get out there and vote!

-Thank you. Thank you.
-[squeals]

That was so good.

-That was good, right? Where to next?
-Yeah.

No, it's time for a nap.
You've done enough.

And I'm sure Michael's pushing it out
on socials right now.

Nah, I missed all that. I got hungry.

But I do have footage of you trying
to get that cop to beat up a Black guy.

Huh?

Girl!

Ooh, we killed it.

I don't know. I'm not totally feeling it.

Mean, did you see the snacks?

They're all natch.
Like, I'm gonna poop cardboard all day.

Uh-uh, hold up. What you doing?

You were the one
who was hyping up Limelight.

Are you trying to sabotage this?

No, I just…

You know in business,
you should try and get multiple offers

so you can play them against each other.

I get it. I watch Shark Tank.

How about I just go back to Parakeet,
mend the fences, get an offer from them…

Boom! Ya been "Mark Cuban'd."

Mark Cuban never blew up a relationship
and stole a coffee machine.

Clearly, you have not read his biographies
as closely as I have.

Trust me, boo boo.

Hi. Look, we both know today was cray.

I switched birth control pills,
made me loops,

and one of the side effects
is cussing people out

and stealing coffee machines.

Which could be kinda cool
for seas three of the podcast, right?

"Unhinged Pheebs"?

I love "Unhinged Pheebs."

What you did out there today
was a master class

in losing it and then owning it.

Ya have no idea how much I appreciate
that you came back here.

It shows so much maturity.

One. Two.

Three. Four. Five. Six…

Seven.

Did you feel that?

Um, yeah.

That was seven feet of gratitude
that brought me to you.

[groans] Look.

Limelight is hot and heavy for us,

but between you and me,
Keet's the real home.

So, just make us an offer we can't refuse
and we'll do it all.

"Dong-Talk Tuesdays."

[gasps]

"Dong-Talk Wednesdays."

I love "Dong-Talk Wednesdays."

Innovation!

-Dongs, dongs, dongs.
-Yes!

So e-mail us that offer!

-Just sent it.
-Okay, great. Thanks, Jax!

-Bye, Pheeb.
-Bye!

[Phoebe] Hey, babe, you called. What's up?

Um, I was thinking maybe
we could hit up the farmer's market

in Union Square this weekend.

Wait.

First we're going upstate,

and now we're making plans
to buy ashy-ass carrots?

What next?

Pleated khakis and "elevening"?

-What's that?
-That's when you lie in bed, side by side

instead of sixty-nining.

"Elevening" is underrated.

[laughs] Oh, my God. You freak.

-[knocks]
-'Lika's here. I'll call you back later.

Hi!

So glad you're here. I have the best news.
Everything's cool with Jax.

You sure about that?

[sighs] Here's her stuff.

Damn!

-That heaux lied straight to my face.
-Yep.

And she wants your key card back.

Okay, but first I'ma sneak back in,
steal some printing paper,

and run a few tampons through
the Brooklyn Dads Italian coffee grinder.

Bam!

Antyways, looks like we taking that
Limelight offer then. [imitates air horn]

Ooh, they love us.

[both chuckle]

Um, about that…

They love me.

What?

Angela pulled me aside after the meeting,

and they wanna pair me
with another producer.

[sighs] So that's why I was trying to
fix things at the Keet, but…

I guess that's not an option now either.
Damn it.

Well, it's not an option for you…

[sighs] Jax wants me to stay on
as a producer. And take on other podcasts.

Dude! This is her last act of revenge.
She's trying to keep us apart.

I should just **** in her handbag.

Phoebe, come on. This isn't on Jax.

You kinda blew this up.

Okay, so then what are you saying?

[sighs]

I'm saying if Limelight doesn't want me,

then I think the best business decision
is for me to stay on at Parakeet.

And the best business decision for you,
is to-- to go to Limelight.

Friends though, right?

Yeah, totally. This is just work stuff.

Yeah.

-Okay.
-Yeah. Yeah.

-Friends forever. Yeah.
-Yeah.

[dance music playing]

[Jayden] Take this moment in.

You worked hard.
All these people worked hard.

So I can go to Albany.

The big Al.

Albany!

[chuckles] Nobody calls it that.

-[cell phone rings]
-Oh.

My man.

Giovanni, what's up?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Oh.

Wow. Right.

Thank you.

-[call disconnects]
-[door opens]

-Oh, hey.
-Ugh, there you are.

Dude, today has been ridonculous.

-Mmm.
-I think Malika and I are donezo.

I thought that heaux and I
were gonna be Venus and Serena.

Lizzo and her flute. Timberland and Magoo.

That's a deep cut. [chuckles]

You okay?

I lost.

Wait. What?

Jessie texted that you were up.

Yeah, I was for a little while
until they started counting votes,

and the neighborhoods were--

Tom Weaver's huge.

[sighs] I'm so sorry.

I've never lost anything before.

I've always outworked everyone, you know?
I got the best grades, best job.

But I was off this whole campaign.

I screwed up a lot.

Oh, I wouldn't say you screwed up a lot.

I mean, just one big mistake
where you voted for Tom Weaver.

Lolz, lolz.

Nolz, nolz. That's not laughing.

I hate you.

No,
I made unforced errors this whole time.

Why? I mean--

Did I self-sabotage 'cause maybe I thought
I didn't deserve to win?

Uh-uh.

Hell no!

What we're not gonna do is neg ourselves.

Okay, bring your butt back over here now.

[Jayden sighs]

Look, you don't need to win some
dumb popularity contest to do what you do.

I mean, you have the best ideas.

You help people and you solve problems.

And you gonna keep doing that
no matter what,

'cause that's who you are.

Wow.

Thanks.

I appreciate that, Pheebs.

Oh, big bro.

Jayden will be out in a second.

But before that, since we have a minute,
I'd just like to make a few shout-outs.

-Uh, mom and Dad, thank you for…
-Hey.

-[Giovanni] …not pushing me. And when…
-[Phoebe] Hi.

[Malika clears throat]

Ah. Okay, I can't tell you why,

but I feel that something irrevocable
has changed in your dynamic,

and kinda messed up.

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, Jayden Hill.

Thank you.

Giovanni, everybody.

And, uh, yeah, let's just get to it. Okay.

Um, I just spoke with Tom Weaver
and congratulated him on his victory.

-[crowd] What?
-[Jayden] I know, I know.

While it's not the outcome we wanted,
I am happy.

Deliriously happy.

And not just because
I haven't slept for two days. [chuckles]

I'm happy
because I get to thank the people

whose shoulders I've stood on
this whole campaign.

My family.

[crowd cheers]

And I get to thank all of you.

Including Frederick Douglass.

-I see you all the way in the back.
-Honey, that's Wanda from finance.

Uh-- Wanda-- Oh, Wa-- Oh.

I am so sorry.

It's just the hairstyle
and your buttoned up collar.

It's very characteristic
of a 19th century public intellectual.

And I am very, very tired. Whew.

But this is what I've learned.

Bet on yourselves. Take chances.
Work hard.

And most importantly,
always, always, always,

do it with the people you love.

-[patron 1] Yeah!
-[Jayden] Thank you. Thank you so much.

-[patron 2] Love you, Jayden!
-Onward and upward.

Good night.

[crowd cheers]

[patron 3] Yes!

Look, I don't wanna go
to whack-ass Limelight without you.

And I really don't want you
to stay at Parakeet without me.

So maybe we just, um…

-Bet on ourselves.
-Yes.

And we self-produce the cast,

-and find a home for it.
-Yeah.

And if we ever run out of cash,
we can always sell some feet pics.

I do have beautiful arches.

For real, though, girl.

There's nobody I'd rather bet on
than me and you.

Jayden, it's Hamilton Hayes.

Uh, hi.

[whispering] It's Hamilton.

[Hamilton]
Sorry it didn't go your way, man.

The truth is, it probably would have
never happened for you against Tom,

but you ran an incredible race.

He should have won by 22 points
instead of eight.

You energized people he couldn't reach.

Okay, so, what are you saying?

I see huge things for you.

You know, City Council, maybe Congress.

-And I wanna help you get there.
-[call mutes]

Wait. The guy who made you
look like garbage in attack ads

now wants to work with you?

-[scoffs] Yeah.
-[call continues]

-Thanks, but I'm gonna have to say no--
-Yes.

The answer is yes. We'll be in touch.

Great.

What? I'm working with Hamilton now?

Do you like winning?

I'm working with Hamilton now.

Girl, what's the name of our company
gonna be?

Um, obviously, "Mali-co."

I mean,
my name's almost the company anyway.

Aw, bro-bro, you look blue. How you doing?

Good, actually.

And I don't wanna jinx it,
but I see big "tings" for all of us.

What "tings" do you have up your sleeve?

I don't know. A little this and that.

Okay. I stan a mysterious king.

[all laugh]

[Jayden] Listen, I love you all
more than you'll ever know, okay?

-So, to a bright future.
-[Jessie] Love you.

-Aw.
-Aw, Jayden.

[all] To a bright future!

[Phoebe] Yes!

Ugh. Sexy-ass caramel bitch
coming over this way.

Knew I'd find you here.

Ladies,
do you mind if I talk to you for a second?

Look, I'm afraid Angela
might have sent the wrong message.

We'd love to have you both at Limelight.

It's too little too late, Governor.

If you didn't want to immediately
be in business

with this everyday Beyoncé
with the juicy apple bottoms,

then clearly, you don't deserve us.

So, in summaysh,

eat my butt with a little lemon wedge
and some hot sauce.

Wow, okay, thanks for letting me know
in such a colorful way.

You know, um, cards on the table,

I'm kinda glad that you turned us down.

One of our producers,
he's opened up a supper club in Miami.

Come with me. Drinks, dinner.

A bit of naughty celebrity stalking.

You just never want me, huh?

Fine. You're not my type, anyway.

[phone chimes]

[Hamilton] The farmhouse.
Def some Underground Railroad vibes,

but history's cool, right?

♪ Get into it, yuh ♪

The jet's on the tarmac.

[phone chimes]

Thoughts?

What you say?

♪ Get into it, yuh
And I say I just got a buck ♪

Never been to Miami.

Bitch, you're messy.

-♪ If you go to church ♪
-♪ Get into it, yuh ♪

♪ If she ain't got a butt
Get into it, yuh ♪