Everything Sucks! (2018): Season 1, Episode 9 - My Friends Have Been Eaten by Spiders - full transcript

An exasperated Luke scrambles to finish the movie. Kate has important conversations with Emaline and Luke. McQuaid gets a sudden boost of confidence.

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I'm never going back to Cali,
like ever.

I'm just glad we got
what we needed for the movie.

I don't understand it.

How can someone seem
to like you one second

and then tell you to beat off
into a sock the next?

What, is that a riddle?

Life's cruelest riddle.

Hey...

You okay, buddy?

I-I don't know.

You?



I-I should probably get home.

Hang in there, pal.

See ya.

I'm home!

♪ Real love ♪

♪ I'm searchin' for a real love ♪

♪ Someone to set my heart free ♪

♪ Real love ♪

♪ I'm searchin' for a real love ♪

I was getting to the good part.

♪ Real love ♪

♪ I'm searchin' for a ♪

What the hell...?

- Son, give us a minute.
- I got this, Sherry.



Before you say anything,
I want you to know that your mom and I...

Get out of my house.

Luke, go out into the hall
and give us a second.

- No, I-it's okay. Let's have a chat.
- Ken.

- It's a good opportunity...
- I said, get the hell out of my house!

- Whoa!
- Okay.

Oh. Message received.

Now, just listen to me.

I-I know this is awkward
and just a little embarrassing,

but you should know that
I care about your mom very much.

I don't care!

- Get out of my house!
- Luke.

Hey! You don't speak to an adult that way.

When an adult is speaking, you listen
until they're done. Got that, son?

- Don't call me son, you mother...
- Hey, stop it!

Please leave, Ken.

Sherry, w-we need to talk about this.
The three of us, Kate too.

Luke and I will talk about this.

Please.

Leave.

I'm... sorry you walked in on that.

- You're home earlier than I was expecting.
- That makes it okay?

The way you spoke to Ken
was beyond inappropriate.

Inappropriate?

Mom, you're in bed with the principal.

My ex-girlfriend's dad.
Does that not seem inappropriate to you?

Calm down. Let's talk about this.
Let's be a team.

We're not a team.

You lied to me.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you, okay?
I had my reasons.

Screw that. You're a liar.

- Luke, what has gotten into you?
- What else have you lied to me about?

When you're gone, are you on an airplane?

- Did dad bail, or did you drive him out?
- You're being a little asshole.

Little man, I am sorry,
I didn't mean that.

Luke.

Hey, home early, huh?

Yeah.

Where were you?

I just, uh... How'd it go?

Good.

Uh, that's great, sweetie.

Is everything okay?

I'll get that.

Hello?

Uh, just one second.

Kate, I'm gonna take this in my bedroom.

- Okay? Uh, will you hang up for me?
- Sure.

Hey.

Hi.

- Ken.
- Can I talk first?

Yeah. If you want.

I'm sorry if I overstepped my bounds.
I-I didn't mean to undermine you.

I felt like he deserved an explanation.

I know how to parent my son.

I know... I know you do.
That's why I'm sorry.

But it doesn't have
to all be on you or me.

We... We can, uh,
help be there for each other.

Help lighten each other's load.

Ken, I think we...

I don't think
we should see each other anymore.

Um...

Okay.

Would you mind just, uh,
explaining to me why?

It's...

it's just too much.

It's too much, and uh...

Is this really what you want?

It doesn't matter what I want.

It's what's right, for Luke.

My son comes first.

Of course.

I just... I want you to know...

that for the first time in ten years,
I feel happy.

Actually happy... with you.

And I'm ready to fight for my happiness.

I mean,
maybe it won't be easy at first, but,

in my experience,
nothing worthwhile ever is.

What we have is good.

The kids can be part of that.

We deserve to be happy, Sherry.

All of us.

I need to hang up.

No. Please don't hang up.

I gotta go. Goodbye, Ken.

Don't forget, Beavers!

Tickets for Boring High School's
first movie are now available!

The premiere will be Saturday
in the auditorium amidst renovations.

So, bring a hard hat.

You can expect this movie
to be no less than garbage,

considering I was not cast in it.

What a shame.

From those who were cast in it,

we can assure you
it's gonna be da'bomb diggity.

- Garbagio.
- Oh my God.

To whet your appetites,
here's a look behind the scenes.

Roll tape.

♪ It's a fact In the headlines ♪

♪ Drive-by shooting
In a pale-lit sky ♪

♪ Season of suffering ♪

♪ Season of suffering ♪

That was interesting.

Those are your morning announcements.
Have a Boring day.

And...

we're clear.

What the hell was that, Stargrove?

You didn't like it?

Hey, listen up!

From now on, no one touches the footage.

This is my movie now, okay?

You guys helped, got it?

- Looks like Candyman's back.
- No kidding.

Luke.

Kate, not now, I got a lot of work
and no time to do it.

If I don't get this movie right,
the whole school will laugh at me.

It wouldn't be the first time.

- Did you know our parents were dating?
- Were... dating.

Glad that's over, it's disgusting.

Can you please leave me alone?

I can't believe you dated that a-hole.

Luke, more like, puke.

Seriously. He's a capital J-E-R-K.

Jesus, Leslie, I get it already.

Hey.

Hey.

Who are you
and what have you done with Emaline?

Can we talk?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

I'm sorry I ignored you
on the bus ride home.

That was really shitty.

It's okay.

I figured you were
still upset about Oliver.

Yeah, right. Screw him.

Damn straight.

That night at the hotel...

the things you said,

that you thought I was perfect...

Did you mean it?

Yeah.

I'm confused, 'cause,
you said that, and then we almost...

Yeah, for the next two weeks.

Cool.

I saw you and Luke holding hands.

I guess, I was wondering
if you guys are a thing or...

If you are, it's totally cool.

No, we're not.

We're just friends.

Or, we were, I...

I don't really know right now.

Do you like me?

What do you mean?

You know what I mean.

I like you.

Is that okay?

Yes.

Um...

Which way are you going?

Um...

- That way.
- I'm the other way.

- Uh, so...
- Want to come to my place after school?

Sure.

Meet by your locker?

Cool.

See you later, sweetie.

McQuaid!

What up, home-slice?

Hello.

Ladies,
this guy is a mad passionate kisser,

speaking from experience!

Mwah!

A... Agreed.

Sorry, what's the line?
I'll get it right this time.

Uh, Mr. Blorg, I found this human.

Commander Blorg.

This human was found by an abandoned...

ship.

Sorry. Okay, okay. Com-Commander Blorg.

Line, what?

Oh, Tyler, I need your help.

- I'm doing homework.
- Okay, it can wait.

Actually, it takes me twice as long
as you to do it. So, it can't.

Okay, I'll do it for you.
Just listen to me, please.

What I'm about to tell you
should be considered classified, capisce?

What is it?

Say capisce back, then I'll tell you.

- Capisce.
- Okay.

I cannot believe these words
I'm about to say,

but I believe them to be accurate.

I think Emaline Adaria likes me.

- No, she doesn't.
- Yeah, but what if she does?

Shh!

Even if I'm wrong, I would rather feel
a sense of shame and regret for failing

than not trying at all.

Tyler, please.

What do you need help with?

I need to know how to dress cool.

Ex-squeeze me, of baking powder?

Okay, you have style... kind of.

I do not.

That, and I literally
have no one else to ask.

Okay.

Oh, great. Great, thank you.

Okay, we'll go shopping
before the premiere. Cool.

Hey, what are you doing tonight?
I taped Mystery Sci...

Sorry, no time for kid stuff.
I have to plan what I'm gonna say!

Sorry.

That was cruddy.

I'm sorry.

How come
I'm losing all my friends to girls?

- Is it me?
- No, definitely not.

You shouldn't blame yourself.

Truth be told, you never stood a chance.

The female species is extremely powerful
and highly mysterious.

Sometimes, we quietly saddle up,
right next to you,

and before you even know it, you're ours.

Like a spider.

Yeah.

My friends have been eaten by spiders.

This sucks the big one.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

I pretty much don't have any friends.

So...

See ya, Leslie.

Dad?

Hm? Oh.

What are you doing?

I-I was just getting a drink of water.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Things didn't work out
with that... that lady I was seeing.

But, you know, it's no big deal.

Wanna talk about it?

No, you know, uh, maybe just
treat me like the principal today.

Hey.

I just saw your dad.

You ready?

I can't hang out today.

Why not?

There's something I have to do,
it's not you.

- I promise, I, I really...
- Kate, it's okay, I get it.

Rain check?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Commander Blorg...

Line.

Com-Commander B-Blorg!

Line.

The room is off-limits!

Commander Blorg,
Cedric was bound...

What do you want?

Come. I have something to show you.

Absolutely not, I don't have one good take
of Tyler saying his line right.

The aliens look like Sesame Street,

and this asteroid belt thing,
it doesn't make any sense.

The room is off-limits, Kate.

I... What the hell!

Luke...

I said, come with me.

We're stopping here?

Kate, this is what you pulled me away for?

Unbelievable.

So...

the best memory I have of my mom...

was this one day
she took me to the county fair.

She checked me out of school that morning,
and told them we had a family commitment,

and we just went.

Just the two of us.

I remember feeding the goats
in the petting zoo

and the way my mom laughed
when they licked at her palms.

At one point, I got lost in the fun house
and I started crying,

so she bought me balloons.

And then, we were
at the highest point of the Ferris wheel.

And she told me to let them go.

So I did.

She said to me,

"Kate, just because you can't see them,

doesn't mean they aren't still there."

She just held me.

That night we got home
and she cooked us spaghetti.

But, it was surprising,
because she hadn't cooked in months.

And then she asked us
if we wanted ice cream.

She got the keys and left to go get some.

And she drove out here...

to this bridge.

And she stopped her car
in the middle of the road.

And she climbed over the railing...

and she let go.

In the obituary, my dad just said
her death was... related to illness.

So, you see...

I don't have the luxury...

of getting mad at my mom
over petty bullshit.

I just have a dad.

And I don't know what you did...

to screw up the happiness
he found with your mom.

I'm so mad at you, Luke.

You're not the only one
having a hard time.

.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.II.MMXVIII