Everything Sucks! (2018): Season 1, Episode 1 - Plutonium - full transcript

A new school year begins at Boring High School, freshman Luke impresses his friends by inviting sophomore Kate - the principal's daughter - to his house.

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♪ Have you ever been close to tragedy ♪

♪ Or been close to folks who have? ♪

♪ Have you ever felt a pain so powerful ♪

♪ So heavy you collapse? ♪

♪ No? ♪

♪ Well... ♪

Good morning, BHS. I'm Jessica Betts.

And I'm Scott Pocket.

And here are your announcements
for Friday, September 27, 1996.

The new Star Wars movies
are gonna be awesome.

They're not new. They're just ruining
the originals with digital garb.

Whatever. They're gonna be Phat, Ph.

Well, gee, thanks for clarifying.
I thought you meant obese.

- Let's go, gentlemen, we're late.
- We were waiting for you. You're late.

Luke, you do realize that A/V Club
is the lowliest of electives?

It's beneath choir.
It's beneath weather club.

They should combine choir
and weather club. Weather choir.

♪ Cloudy with a chance of rain ♪

Guys, we're in high school now.
We gotta find our people.

We might as well start with something
we know.

That's A/V club.

Yeah. Once they see one of our movies,
the ladies will come flocking.

I promise you, there isn't
a single female behind those doors.

There'd be ladies in weather choir.
Just saying.

Be sure to bring a monologue
and break a leg, comrades.

♪ Whoomp, there it is! ♪

♪ Whoomp, there it is! ♪

♪ Whoomp, there it is! ♪

♪ Whoomp, there it is! ♪

♪ Whoomp, there it is! ♪

That's right.

Principal Messner here.

Wishing you a happy Friday.

And thanking you for a spirit-filled
first week back at school.

And for all you freshman out there,
I can't wait to get to know ya.

Anyway, we're off to a super start,
so let's keep it up.

Back to you, Jessica and Scott.

Thank you, Principal Messner.

For lunch today, corn dogs and tater tots.

Do you like corn dogs, Jessica Betts?

No. In world news, President Clinton
has signed the Defensive of Marriage Act,

defining marriage
as one man and one woman.

Well, that's a shame because
I was gonna marry a burrito...

- What's with camera one?
- ...Jessie B.

- Kate Messner, camera one, focus.
- Also, happy birthday, Meatloaf.

- The singer turns 49 today.
- Come on, focus.

- Good job.
- I'm trying.

I'm trying...


Oh, help, help, help, help, help.

That's it, I hope.

I don't even know how to do this.

- Stop touching it.
- Help, help, help!

Help, help!

Help, help, help!


Oh. No way.

And those are your morning announcements.
Have a Boring day.

That was a disaster.

That was awesome.

Where do we sign up?

The first week of school
and the shit's already gone to shit.

Welcome to A/V club, freshman.



It looks like we're gonna be partners.

According to Mr. Stargrove,
I'm camera three starting tomorrow, so...



Having trouble?

I'm good, thanks.

Well, these 456s are janky.

You sure I can't help?

Can you actually stand over there, please?



you're out of focus.

I know.

I'm trying to fix that.

Well, it's your lucky day.

I, uh, I know exactly how to fix this.

- You do?
- Yeah.

What's wrong with it?

Well, there's gunk on the lens.

Makes the auto-focus get stuck.

But I have tools at home.

Can I check this out or something?

Are you a freshman?


Freshman can't check out gear.


Well, maybe you can check it out
and come over to my place.

Or I don't know,
if you're not doing anything.

Um, yeah, all right, cool beans.

Uh... cool as beans.

Sorry, that was stupid. I'm Luke.

Luke O'Neil, by the way.


Damn, Gina, how'd you do that?

How'd I do what?

Ta... talk to a girl.

Uh, mm, I don't know.
Just happened, I guess.

She's coming over after school.

She's what? Wait a minute.
Don't you think we should discuss this?

- Why? 'Cause she's a sophomore.


Holy snikies, older woman.

Hey, easy there, Romeo.

You are tampering with plutonium.


That student you were just talking to,
that's Kate Messner.

All right? That's Mr. Messner's daughter.

Who's that again?

Mr. Messner, the principal.

Proceed with caution.


The principal's daughter.

Mr. Knudsen!

Yeah, Knudie. We gonna put some
points on the board tonight?

I wouldn't bet on it.

Well, I hope you brought a crow sandwich
for lunch,

'cause you're gonna... Kate!

Hey, sweetie,
was that cool or what?

I gotta be on
the announcements more often.

- Dad?
- Yeah?

Can we make a new rule this year?

Of course, I'm all ears.

Can you not talk to me
while I'm at school?

Like, pretend I'm any other student.

Like I don't exist.

Uh, okay, yeah.
If that's what you'd prefer, I suppose...

It is.


Well, have a great rest of your day.

I'm sorry.

♪ But you ♪

- Doy!
- All right, get to class.

♪ Is it a sure-fire way
To speed things up... ♪

Yo, D.

No way.

You're out of your mind!
Luke, settle this.

Settle what?

That ridiculous song.

Winning the lottery
and dying the next day?

The subject is 98 years old.

There's nothing ironic about dying at 98.

Rain on your wedding day?

It's ironic because they chose that day
to get married!

Well, then, they're morons,
and they deserve each other!

Do these people
not have five-day forecasts?

What kind of fairy tale world
does Alanis Morissette live in?

- Canada!
- Oh.

- Can I have a chip?
- Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Four years of this.

It's week one. It'll get better.

Look on the bright side, McQuaid.

My cousin Reese says
everyone has sex in high school.

Even nerds, like, with each other.

According to my calculations, there's
a 2% chance I get laid by senior year.

Kinda comforting, truthfully.
Takes the pressure off.

- Did you run my numbers?
- Better. Not by much.

What about Luke?
A girl is going to his house!

- It's practically a date.
- It's not a date. I'm fixing her camera.

- You are underestimating the implications.
- Truth.

Also, am I the only one concerned
by what Mr. Stargrove said?

He was just messing with us.
She's the principal's daughter. So what?

He compared her to the most dangerous
radioactive material on the planet.

Even befriending the principal's daughter
is like painting a target on your face.

And mine and Tyler's by association.

I mean, look at us, it's bad enough.

Yeah. What do you think, Tyler?

She seems cool. But she is a sophomore.

High hopes, low expectations.

That's what my step dad always says.

Then again, he's an unemployed alcoholic
who named his dog after a psychopath.

- How is Charles Manson?
- Oh, farts a lot.

You guys are right.
What are we even talking about?

- She probably doesn't remember my name.
- Hey, Luke.

Good. Good, I mean...


- Meet by the flagpole after school?
- Y-y-yeah.

See you then.


You think I'm some kind of slut?

No. I know you're a slut, slut.

Thou hast slept with another!

Untwist thy tongue!

What merchant of deceit
hath sold you such untruths?

In thy sleep when thou didst dream,
thou didst chirp infidelities!

Forsooth! But dreamers often lie,
asleep in a trance!

As boys and men alike ask me
into their pants.

Mm-hmm. Counterfeit!

Thou hast made me do this, you bitch!

Oh. Oh! Oh.


Dagger, I am thy scabbard!

What was that?


- I am Oliver Schermerhorn.
- And I am Emaline Addario.

Auditions for Uncle Vanya will be held
next Wednesday in the auditorium!

This could be you.

We are obviously playing the leads,

but lesser roles
and crew positions remain available!

- Join us!
- Join us!

I heard that.

Good afternoon, Miss Stock.

Hi, Ken.

I-I feel like I've barely seen you.
Did you get my messages?

Ken, we had fun this summer.


Summer's over.

Oh, don't worry.

According to the district handbook,
our goings-on are permissible.

Uh, provided we don't copulate
on school grounds.

I'm not attracted to you, Ken.
Physically, like, at all.

You okay?

Of course, yeah. I...

I'm glad you said something, actually.
I... honesty.

Just, brutal honesty,
it's just the best policy.

I-I can only thank you for that.
I appreciate this.


Colleagues, might be better.

Colleagues. Yeah, hey, I'll take it!

Oh, and Ken?


- The copier's low on toner.
- Oh.

Nice shirt.


So, what's up with Tori Amos?

Uh, you've never heard of Tori Amos?

Well... well, I've heard of her,
but I don't know her music that well.

- You like her?
- Uh, yeah. She's amazing.

She's like nothing
you've ever heard before.

Oh, cool. Like what?


I don't know. How can I explain
if you've never heard it?

You can try.


Well, there's this one song where
halfway through she just starts crying.

And it's her just singing
and playing the piano and crying.

And it's just so real.


And her first album is called
Little Earthquakes.

- Know what that means?
- No.


Like, she totally named
an entire album after orgasms.

Or that's what I heard.


Sounds bad ass.

Oh, hey, man.

Hey, would you take a picture of us
in front of the sign?

- Okay.
- All right.


One, two and...

You ever notice they never actually go
into town?

They just find the sign,
take a picture, then leave.

Lucky them.

Oh, sweet! Columbia House.

Hold this.

- What'd you get?
- Let's see.

New Oasis.

- That's supposed to be good.
- Yeah, well, I already have it.

I forgot to mail the thing back.

You want it?

Oh, oh, thanks, but you can get a lot
of store credit for that.

Oh, no, it's, it's fine really. Take it.


Sorry about the dust.

Feel free to look around.

So, how do you know
so much about cameras?

My dad used to be a wedding videographer.

He showed me some stuff when I was a kid.

I guess it just kinda
comes naturally to me.

What's he do now?

Who, my dad?

Who cares?

He bailed on me and my mom
when I was seven.

If you look up "deadbeat dad,"
there'd be a picture of Leroy O'Neil.

Apparently, he's in Hollywood now.

Do you miss him?


What about your mom?

She's, uh, five miles
above the Atlantic right now.


She's a flight attendant.

Sometimes she's gone for a whole week,
which kinda rules.

I get to stay up late.
Rent rated "R" movies.

They know me at Video Shack,
which is cool.

I'm more like an adult
than a teenager, really. So...

What's on these?

Oh, I don't know.

I think they were my dad's.
I've been meaning to check them out.

What made you join A/V?

It seemed mellow, I guess.

My dad was trying to get me
to run for ASB.

It's like I have to be some
exemplary student 'cause of who he is.


Mr. Messner.
You know, he actually seems kinda cool.

Not the term I would use.

What about Mrs. Messner?

She died.


How'd it happen?

She was sick.

We don't...
you don't have to talk about it.

It's all good.

It's okay.

After she died,
they made me talk to a counselor.

What's a five-year-old supposed
to say to a counselor?

And they had me make this
stupid arts and crafts project.

It's called a Scream Box.

And I was supposed to scream into it
whenever I needed.

I never used it.

My dad did though.

And then, I came back to school,
and everyone stopped talking to me

because they knew
I didn't have a mom anymore.

I wanted to disappear.

It's like I actually did, kind of.

How's it look?

Oh, perfect.

Like new.

Sure you don't want anything for the road?
Like a Pop Tart?

Hi-C? P, B and J?

You're cute.

See you on Monday.

I'm cute.

♪ Slip inside the eye of your mind ♪

♪ Don't you know you might find ♪

♪ A better place to play? ♪

♪ You said that you'd never been ♪

♪ But all the things that you've seen ♪

♪ They slowly fade away ♪

♪ So I'll start a revolution from my bed ♪

♪ Cause you said the brains I had
Went to my head ♪

♪ Stand up beside the fireplace ♪

♪ Take that look from off your face ♪

♪ You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out ♪

♪ And so, Sally can wait ♪

♪ She knows it's too late
As we're walking on by ♪

♪ Her soul slides away ♪

♪ But don't look back in anger ♪

- Meatloaf or Ziti, sweetie?
- Dad!

Oh! Sorry! Just wanted to know
if you wanted to...

You know, Kate,

it's okay if you want
to look at this magazine.

I've seen a few myself,
if I'm being honest.

But I want you to know

is that you don't have to look
like the girls in these magazines.

Real men are attracted to women
of all shapes and sizes.

Breasts, and uh,

- bottom, and uh, pubis area...
- Dad.

What I want you to remember is attraction
is not limited to our physical forms.

Despite what some people may believe.

Um, got it. Thanks, Dad.

Anytime, sweetie.

Can you get out of my room now, please?

Ziti it is.

♪ But don't look back in anger
I heard you say ♪

♪ So, Sally can wait ♪

♪ She knows it's too late
As she's walking on by ♪

♪ My soul slides away ♪

♪ But don't look back in anger
I heard you say ♪

♪ So, Sally can wait ♪

♪ She knows it's too late
As we're walking on by ♪

♪ Her soul slides away ♪

♪ But don't look back in anger
I heard you say ♪

♪ So, Sally can wait ♪

♪ She knows it's too late
As she's walking on by ♪

♪ My soul slides away ♪

♪ But don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger ♪

♪ I heard you say ♪

♪ At least not today ♪

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