Everyone Else Burns (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
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This programme contains
strong language.
BABY CRIES
Thank you. Brother Lewis.
Could I speak to the
elders before you?
My baby's not well and I
really need their advice.
That does sound urgent.
You should see them as soon
as you've waited your turn.
DOOR OPENS
Next!
Why wasn't I promoted?
A reminder, this drop-in is for
urgent matters of faith, David.
Yes. And we don't consider
being made elder a promotion.
Yes. Do you still want
to ask your question?
I do. Elder Abijah,
you can cover this.
I've actually got
to... You'll cover it.
HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
So, David, you should know
the vote wasn't unanimous.
Sure, 11 elders voted for
Andrew, but one voted for...
Oh, no, no.
Elder Danforth's vote
was void. He's 91.
He ticked both boxes and then posted
the slip through his own letterbox.
But we did have
lots of applicants.
Who applied apart
from me and Andrew?
The point is that God loves you,
and I'd encourage you
to focus on that, eh?
What do you say?
The big G invites you
to bask in his love.
Are you going to RSVP with
a big, fat hallelujah?
No. Was it Andrew's cologne?
The man smells like
an embalmed king.
He does smell nice. Um...
All I'd say is that we'd
encourage you to look within.
As Jesus says, first, take
the log out of your own eye,
but don't worry too much.
The order's about
having fun, too.
Is that caffeine-free cola?
No, David, this is the
forbidden full caf.
Last week I shared some of
this with a non-believer,
just to show that us order peeps
also know how to have a good time.
I don't think the other elders
are going to begrudge me
a tiny little caffeine boost.
Put that cola down.
I'll deposit it in
the outside bin.
I wish I could trust
you to do that.
Elder Samson's such a joker.
He told me if I'd joined
his old congregation,
I'd never have been made elder.
He makes that joke a lot.
See you, David.
BABY GRIZZLES
Your turn.
CAR HORN HONKS
Fiona!
That's a lot of shopping.
Didn't feel like driving?
No, the car gets me home faster,
which means more time to kill,
which means to do things
like overgroom the cat
or run a wash cycle just
to watch the drum go round.
Well, I'd ask you more,
but I don't want to be sad.
Would you like 150 utility bags?
Need more context? Yes, please.
I've just upsized my
designer furniture shop
and the new premises is
rammed with unsold stock.
So business is good?
Divorce is good.
I got 80% of the house and a
shocking chunk of her pension.
Why did you think of me?
Your religion.
See, someone like me might
describe this as hideous,
whereas someone like you...
Might see that it could hold
upwards of 50 preaching pamphlets.
And any surplus,
you could sell on,
As a sort of side hustle.
Like my own business?
Exactly. The order says
women will be fulfilled
by making the home their work.
And have you
personally found that?
No, but I've only been
doing it 17 years.
You'd be helping me
out. Good Christian act.
You are Christian, aren't you?
Just checking I've got the right
pressure points. Want to hop in?
Really? Of course. You're taking
the bags, yeah? Yes. Of course.
VAPE HISSES
So are your parents
proud of your grades?
They told me that university
was a path to vice.
It's a path to freedom,
knowledge and self-expression.
They think those
things are vice.
And you still want
to do medicine?
Yes, but dad says a
six-year course is pointless
because God will shatter
the Earth by 2025. Yeah.
This is for work experience.
You'll need it if you
want to stand out.
Coldhurst retirement home.
Well, you can't become a doctor
until a ward of pensioners have
mistaken you for their daughter.
Plus, it'll be motivating.
They'll tell you all about
their unfulfilled dreams.
I just need your mobile number.
I don't have a mobile.
Your home phone, then?
Oh, I'd never get
there before Dad.
He thinks we get
charged per ring.
Rachel, I don't want to alarm you,
but this is a competitive field.
Some of the girls you're up
against will have telephones.
OK.
I'll get a phone. Great.
In six short years, you could get
your medical licence, sell out,
and then become a
TikTok medfluencer
making seven figures off the
ignorance of the vulnerable.
Do not squander that.
Sorry, Gideon, I'll
put it down gently.
I know you don't
like loud noises.
Not on this table, David!
There was two centimetres
of clearance, Fiona.
Any damage to that cat
is purely psychological.
Family meeting!
So I'm sure you're wondering
why I wasn't promoted.
Well, the elders have
revealed the truth,
and the reason... was you.
That's what they said, was it?
They said to remove
the log from your eye.
And after much soul-searching, I
realised that log is my family.
This is from the
archives to help us.
Are those the
original order rules?
Nobody follows them, David.
They're weird and outmoded.
There's a map of Israel in there
I don't think any
side would agree with.
God's rule is law. It says here
not to eat bison on the new moon.
And I'll give that up, Aaron.
For God, we need to
confront our decadence.
Dad, I was just wondering...
what's going on?
Your father's just
subjugating the family.
What was your question?
So, most girls my age
have mobile phones,
so I was just wondering
if I needed to call while
I was out ministering.
We minister as a family.
You're usually inside and always
within screaming distance.
But since you're keen
to minister solo,
how about you preach two hours
each evening for the week?
Was that just a suggestion?
It started as a suggestion.
Then it was a good idea.
And now it's a command,
an immutable command.
Well, David, if you're done
disappointing your daughter,
I'll get back to
my preaching bags.
Melissa gave them to me.
I'm selling them online.
Selling them? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Put down that
merchandise. Put it down.
The book says women can't
work in online retail?
It says womenfolk have
no place in the agora,
the eBay of the time.
You want to kill my ambition for
a rule you learnt two minutes ago?
Of course I don't.
OK.
God does.
Now, Aaron, my beady
eye turns to you.
Drawn us in hell?
Don't hate the truth, Dad.
The Romans hated it so much that
they nailed it to the cross.
KNOCKING AT DOOR
I'm coming back to fix you.
Hi, David. Just stopping
by for a friendly visit.
Are you gonna remove
the chain, or...?
How's being an elder?
Lots of unpleasant
responsibilities?
Well, the first duty's been deciding
which Biblical name to take.
And the one I've gone for is -
you'll really like this, David -
Elder...
..Andrew.
Make a point or leave, please.
How are you getting on
with our good friend Joel?
Oh, Joel.
I'll make a start with him soon.
Aren't you due to be
speaking to him now?
It's just that he's been
sending me text messages.
"Looking forward to the
meeting in 20 minutes."
Then, "Should be here in ten."
Then, "He's not here." Then,
"He's not coming, is he?"
Oh, fine.
I'll do it. Thanks, David.
If you ever need anything... Oh!
So the seeds that fell on the
fertile soil, they became...
Do you ever mark people down
to never be visited again?
We have a blacklist for
people who abuse or swear us.
Right.
Um...
Fuck... Fuck... off?
Am I on the blacklist now? Sure.
Thanks. Thanks so much.
I can't talk to you, you know.
This is my first preaching
visit to this non-believer.
Do you want to brief me on
any salient information?
There is no salient information.
Non-believers are all the same,
dead-eyed clones
blocking out the truth.
How about his name?
Clones, Aaron.
They're clones.
Right. This is where I fix you.
HE KNOCKS
You're about to watch
a master at work.
You'll see the Bible speak
through me as a divine envoy.
Ah, David, you're
finally... Out of the way.
We're here to save you.
You don't mind my son being
here while I minister, do you?
Well, some of the stuff's
quite, um... intimate.
Great. Let's start with that. If
you prefer, I can leave the room.
No, Aaron, you have a right to hear
this man's depraved life story.
I thought you said
no judgment. Please.
I'm talking to my son.
Now, I'm going to listen
in quiet humility, OK?
Well, my girlfriend
left me six weeks ago.
Oh, wow.
I love getting these. One sec.
SHREDDER WHIRS
Right, second day of your
journey to salvation.
So it's really just
you doing these visits?
Because Andrew seems so nice.
Do you only have two
types of biscuits?
Yep.
So you ignored
yesterday's feedback. OK.
So what's it like being
a kid in the order world?
Worldly kids at
school make fun of me,
but in the afterlife, I'll
get to watch them burn
through my own special window.
Your window? It'll be my
personal paradise, Joel.
There will be a window.
Oh, please, use a coaster.
It's an original
Noguchi coffee table.
My ex bought it for me.
Joel, we're guests
in your house.
Of course I'll
respect the rules.
So, let's talk about your
relationship's most painful moments.
Just four or five examples. Go.
I can't have coffee.
No stimulants.
It's decaf.
Oh.
DOG WHINES
I'm good at remembering weird rules
that were screamed at me aged nine.
Once, I accidentally
ate some tiramisu.
My dad said I had
to throw it up.
Did you? Did I make myself sick
just because someone told me to?
Yes. I thought you said you
weren't allowed to talk to me.
Well, I'm not talking to you,
just thanking a stranger
for coffee. Nice.
DOG BARKS
No, no! Keeps trying to run
off. His name's Ricky Hatton,
so calling out for
him's a bit weird.
Can you not just call him Ricky?
He only responds
to the full name.
Why are you doing so
much door to door?
I asked my dad for
a phone and instead,
he took away all my
evenings for a week.
What do you need a phone for?
Work experience, which I need
if I want to go to uni and...
..be a doctor. ..Get
away from the order.
Well, enjoy the decaf.
Real coffee's great,
but I guess that's the
price of living in fear.
I don't live in fear.
Oh, shit.
Oh, I think this is the decaf.
Oh! Oh, my gosh. Oh,
my gosh, oh, my gosh.
They were both decaf, Rachel.
Ugh!
See you tomorrow.
So Aaron, it's been three visits now
and I haven't felt much community.
Do you feel you have
a community? Sure.
I mean, I haven't got any
friends, but I draw lots.
Look.
David, where did
you find that cup?
Oh, from some chintzy
armoire in your hallway.
My antique cabinet - that's
not meant to be drunk out of.
Any liquid hotter than 40
degrees would strip the patina.
Ooh, that's hot.
I guess I can forget about
tasting these custard creams.
OK, maybe we should
end these sessions.
You seem socially maladjusted,
and I think your son has anger
problems. My son idolises me.
David, he's drawing
you in an acid bath.
Joel, if you've got an issue
with me, say it to my face.
I have an issue with you.
I'm saying it. Well,
here's another issue.
I'm putting this down
without a coaster.
Clearly, I only meant
to leave a ring.
CAMERA CLICKS
Fiona, I've noticed that
you and your husband
sleep in two
separate single beds.
David likes to push them
together on special occasions,
but the table makes
that difficult.
So why'd you put the
table there, then?
I just told you.
DOOR OPENS DOWNSTAIRS
David's back. Maybe we should
pause while I talk to him.
Fiona, if I paused with my ex,
I wouldn't have a new kitchen.
Fight back. Get the marble
countertops and the chrome taps.
Darling?
What the...?
Melissa, why is there a
stranger in my personal kingdom?
We're taking business
photos for the website.
Fiona, this book is
clear on what is seemly
and what is unseemly.
Hmm, thousand-year-old book
versus two living women.
This'll be good.
As the patriarch,
God caused me to
lead this household.
Don't make me use
that divine power.
Use it. Go on, then.
OK.
Fiona, as God's patriarch... I
want to do the business, David.
Then you have my permission.
Well done, big man.
Now, get out.
Can I come in to
change my shirt?
No. You can come
back in the room
when I'm done making money
and I'm a money magnet, David!
Money magnet!
Was that good? A
little too good.
But I'm here for it.
KNOCKING AT DOOR
Ugh. Is it urgent, Andrew?
I've just emancipated my wife
and I'm feeling pretty low.
Just returned from Joel's house.
Apparently, you attacked an
expensive collector's item
with another expensive
collector's item.
It was a lesson, to teach him the
real value of worldly possessions.
Well, the real value
was five grand.
He'd like you to
reimburse him. What?
It was an accident. I only meant
to cause superficial damage.
Fortunately, I've convinced
him to forgive you.
I've also persuaded Elder Samson not
to revoke any of your privileges,
even though this
is, to his memory,
the most disgraceful thing
any ordinand has ever done.
Thank you.
Given the situation, I'll be
looking after Joel from now on.
Sorry, David. Obviously,
Andrew is your buddy,
but Elder Andrew...
..he must walk a different path.
Well, Andrew might not see the
benefits of my ministering style,
but Aaron clearly does.
Look at this drip technique.
He's moved on to abstract art.
No more violent images of...
Hmm.
He probably started
that weeks ago.
He started as soon as he
came back from Joel's. Right.
I'm done. A whole week of night
preaching. 80 doors, 100 pamphlets.
Nearly lost my finger to
a razor-sharp letterbox.
Number 38. I know it
well. But I'm done.
Rachel, I've been reflecting.
I think it's only right to
reward your labour after all.
You mean... Dad, really?
This has seen history.
You couldn't get me a new one?
They don't build them like
this any more, Rachel.
POWERING-UP TONE
Look at that battery life.
10%, and it hasn't been
plugged in since 9/11.
Look alive.
Try the home phone.
Is it ringing?
It's getting really warm.
Great. Respect the awesome
power it grants you.
PHONE HINGES CREAK
OUTSIDE: Ricky Hatton!
Ricky!
Mr Hatton?
DOG BARKS
Ricky Hatton!
You found him, then?
Yeah. Peace offering.
Peppermint, for the sake
of both of our souls.
But drink quickly. The mug's
absence will be noticed.
Mmm, can't wait to chug
this scalding liquid.
PHONE BEEPS
Oh, you got a phone? Yeah.
It leaks battery acid and can't
text or call. Just as well.
Which means I can give
you my peace offering.
Good as new.
Oh, my gosh.
It's just my old handset.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I guess if I needed
to message you,
for help with the phone, I
mean, your number's on here?
No.
You can't bring yourself to
ask me, can you? Put it on.
HORSE RACING
COMMENTARY ON EARPHONES
Miss? You asked to
see me in your office.
I did say that, and it
made me feel very powerful.
Rachel, congratulations.
You're officially
an unpaid volunteer.
You start ladling medically
thickened gravy on Monday.
They picked me? From a
field of zero applicants.
They picked me! What a great day,
my favourite people succeeding,
and a crazy man smashed
my ex's coffee table.
He's crushed, Rachel.
And his libido was
already so fragile.
How's my phone, Rachel?
So many memories -
hours texting my dad
about how the Old Testament
predicted the credit crunch.
Yeah, it's been... great, Dad.
Now, Fiona, I know I gave my
permission for your business,
but not everyone's so
liberal about bags, OK?
I wouldn't mention it
to the congregation.
Thank you for the advice, David.
GENIAL CHATTER
Sister Lewis, you've given our
chapter its own de facto uniform.
Now we can all band together,
I'm sure there'll be fewer
harassment incidents.
Or more, since we're
easier to spot.
But, hey, if women could be
elders, you'd be a shoo-in.
And honestly, I could see that
rule changing one day. I can't.
But thank you for donating
the proceeds. Thank you.
If you'll excuse me, I
might go speak with my...
Is it prideful to say fans?
My fans.
INAUDIBLE CHAT
David. You'll see
I'm on the gold cola.
No caffeine.
It tastes... Well, really
quite different, actually.
Thankfully, Samson's been pretty
chill about the whole thing.
Abijah, you're on probation.
Pop your scarf back on.
Squash, strong.
I've realised something.
When you told me to look within,
you weren't just talking about
my family's mistakes, were you?
You were talking
about my own. Yes.
We were talking exclusively
about you, David.
Your pride, your tendency
to blame external factors
instead of yourself. Hmm.
I'd like to return
this to the archives.
Is that a first edition
of our oldest maxims?
They're horrendously outdated,
them. I thought we burnt them all.
"Love thy neighbour" has an asterisk
leading to a big list of exceptions.
Shred it, Abijah.
Pulp the remains.
PHONE BUZZES
VOICE NOTE FROM JOSHUA:
Wow, your first text.
Welcome to the information age.
Don't mind me, Rachel.
Just destroying this book
of forbidden knowledge.
MESSAGE PLAYS AGAIN:
Wow, your first text.
Welcome to the information age.
Just a pilgrim on a journey
Well, I got no
time to tarry here
Don't you stop me
Cos I'm going to a land
where skies are clear
And I ain't got time
To linger longer
I ain't got time
To stop today.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
---
This programme contains
strong language.
BABY CRIES
Thank you. Brother Lewis.
Could I speak to the
elders before you?
My baby's not well and I
really need their advice.
That does sound urgent.
You should see them as soon
as you've waited your turn.
DOOR OPENS
Next!
Why wasn't I promoted?
A reminder, this drop-in is for
urgent matters of faith, David.
Yes. And we don't consider
being made elder a promotion.
Yes. Do you still want
to ask your question?
I do. Elder Abijah,
you can cover this.
I've actually got
to... You'll cover it.
HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
So, David, you should know
the vote wasn't unanimous.
Sure, 11 elders voted for
Andrew, but one voted for...
Oh, no, no.
Elder Danforth's vote
was void. He's 91.
He ticked both boxes and then posted
the slip through his own letterbox.
But we did have
lots of applicants.
Who applied apart
from me and Andrew?
The point is that God loves you,
and I'd encourage you
to focus on that, eh?
What do you say?
The big G invites you
to bask in his love.
Are you going to RSVP with
a big, fat hallelujah?
No. Was it Andrew's cologne?
The man smells like
an embalmed king.
He does smell nice. Um...
All I'd say is that we'd
encourage you to look within.
As Jesus says, first, take
the log out of your own eye,
but don't worry too much.
The order's about
having fun, too.
Is that caffeine-free cola?
No, David, this is the
forbidden full caf.
Last week I shared some of
this with a non-believer,
just to show that us order peeps
also know how to have a good time.
I don't think the other elders
are going to begrudge me
a tiny little caffeine boost.
Put that cola down.
I'll deposit it in
the outside bin.
I wish I could trust
you to do that.
Elder Samson's such a joker.
He told me if I'd joined
his old congregation,
I'd never have been made elder.
He makes that joke a lot.
See you, David.
BABY GRIZZLES
Your turn.
CAR HORN HONKS
Fiona!
That's a lot of shopping.
Didn't feel like driving?
No, the car gets me home faster,
which means more time to kill,
which means to do things
like overgroom the cat
or run a wash cycle just
to watch the drum go round.
Well, I'd ask you more,
but I don't want to be sad.
Would you like 150 utility bags?
Need more context? Yes, please.
I've just upsized my
designer furniture shop
and the new premises is
rammed with unsold stock.
So business is good?
Divorce is good.
I got 80% of the house and a
shocking chunk of her pension.
Why did you think of me?
Your religion.
See, someone like me might
describe this as hideous,
whereas someone like you...
Might see that it could hold
upwards of 50 preaching pamphlets.
And any surplus,
you could sell on,
As a sort of side hustle.
Like my own business?
Exactly. The order says
women will be fulfilled
by making the home their work.
And have you
personally found that?
No, but I've only been
doing it 17 years.
You'd be helping me
out. Good Christian act.
You are Christian, aren't you?
Just checking I've got the right
pressure points. Want to hop in?
Really? Of course. You're taking
the bags, yeah? Yes. Of course.
VAPE HISSES
So are your parents
proud of your grades?
They told me that university
was a path to vice.
It's a path to freedom,
knowledge and self-expression.
They think those
things are vice.
And you still want
to do medicine?
Yes, but dad says a
six-year course is pointless
because God will shatter
the Earth by 2025. Yeah.
This is for work experience.
You'll need it if you
want to stand out.
Coldhurst retirement home.
Well, you can't become a doctor
until a ward of pensioners have
mistaken you for their daughter.
Plus, it'll be motivating.
They'll tell you all about
their unfulfilled dreams.
I just need your mobile number.
I don't have a mobile.
Your home phone, then?
Oh, I'd never get
there before Dad.
He thinks we get
charged per ring.
Rachel, I don't want to alarm you,
but this is a competitive field.
Some of the girls you're up
against will have telephones.
OK.
I'll get a phone. Great.
In six short years, you could get
your medical licence, sell out,
and then become a
TikTok medfluencer
making seven figures off the
ignorance of the vulnerable.
Do not squander that.
Sorry, Gideon, I'll
put it down gently.
I know you don't
like loud noises.
Not on this table, David!
There was two centimetres
of clearance, Fiona.
Any damage to that cat
is purely psychological.
Family meeting!
So I'm sure you're wondering
why I wasn't promoted.
Well, the elders have
revealed the truth,
and the reason... was you.
That's what they said, was it?
They said to remove
the log from your eye.
And after much soul-searching, I
realised that log is my family.
This is from the
archives to help us.
Are those the
original order rules?
Nobody follows them, David.
They're weird and outmoded.
There's a map of Israel in there
I don't think any
side would agree with.
God's rule is law. It says here
not to eat bison on the new moon.
And I'll give that up, Aaron.
For God, we need to
confront our decadence.
Dad, I was just wondering...
what's going on?
Your father's just
subjugating the family.
What was your question?
So, most girls my age
have mobile phones,
so I was just wondering
if I needed to call while
I was out ministering.
We minister as a family.
You're usually inside and always
within screaming distance.
But since you're keen
to minister solo,
how about you preach two hours
each evening for the week?
Was that just a suggestion?
It started as a suggestion.
Then it was a good idea.
And now it's a command,
an immutable command.
Well, David, if you're done
disappointing your daughter,
I'll get back to
my preaching bags.
Melissa gave them to me.
I'm selling them online.
Selling them? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Put down that
merchandise. Put it down.
The book says women can't
work in online retail?
It says womenfolk have
no place in the agora,
the eBay of the time.
You want to kill my ambition for
a rule you learnt two minutes ago?
Of course I don't.
OK.
God does.
Now, Aaron, my beady
eye turns to you.
Drawn us in hell?
Don't hate the truth, Dad.
The Romans hated it so much that
they nailed it to the cross.
KNOCKING AT DOOR
I'm coming back to fix you.
Hi, David. Just stopping
by for a friendly visit.
Are you gonna remove
the chain, or...?
How's being an elder?
Lots of unpleasant
responsibilities?
Well, the first duty's been deciding
which Biblical name to take.
And the one I've gone for is -
you'll really like this, David -
Elder...
..Andrew.
Make a point or leave, please.
How are you getting on
with our good friend Joel?
Oh, Joel.
I'll make a start with him soon.
Aren't you due to be
speaking to him now?
It's just that he's been
sending me text messages.
"Looking forward to the
meeting in 20 minutes."
Then, "Should be here in ten."
Then, "He's not here." Then,
"He's not coming, is he?"
Oh, fine.
I'll do it. Thanks, David.
If you ever need anything... Oh!
So the seeds that fell on the
fertile soil, they became...
Do you ever mark people down
to never be visited again?
We have a blacklist for
people who abuse or swear us.
Right.
Um...
Fuck... Fuck... off?
Am I on the blacklist now? Sure.
Thanks. Thanks so much.
I can't talk to you, you know.
This is my first preaching
visit to this non-believer.
Do you want to brief me on
any salient information?
There is no salient information.
Non-believers are all the same,
dead-eyed clones
blocking out the truth.
How about his name?
Clones, Aaron.
They're clones.
Right. This is where I fix you.
HE KNOCKS
You're about to watch
a master at work.
You'll see the Bible speak
through me as a divine envoy.
Ah, David, you're
finally... Out of the way.
We're here to save you.
You don't mind my son being
here while I minister, do you?
Well, some of the stuff's
quite, um... intimate.
Great. Let's start with that. If
you prefer, I can leave the room.
No, Aaron, you have a right to hear
this man's depraved life story.
I thought you said
no judgment. Please.
I'm talking to my son.
Now, I'm going to listen
in quiet humility, OK?
Well, my girlfriend
left me six weeks ago.
Oh, wow.
I love getting these. One sec.
SHREDDER WHIRS
Right, second day of your
journey to salvation.
So it's really just
you doing these visits?
Because Andrew seems so nice.
Do you only have two
types of biscuits?
Yep.
So you ignored
yesterday's feedback. OK.
So what's it like being
a kid in the order world?
Worldly kids at
school make fun of me,
but in the afterlife, I'll
get to watch them burn
through my own special window.
Your window? It'll be my
personal paradise, Joel.
There will be a window.
Oh, please, use a coaster.
It's an original
Noguchi coffee table.
My ex bought it for me.
Joel, we're guests
in your house.
Of course I'll
respect the rules.
So, let's talk about your
relationship's most painful moments.
Just four or five examples. Go.
I can't have coffee.
No stimulants.
It's decaf.
Oh.
DOG WHINES
I'm good at remembering weird rules
that were screamed at me aged nine.
Once, I accidentally
ate some tiramisu.
My dad said I had
to throw it up.
Did you? Did I make myself sick
just because someone told me to?
Yes. I thought you said you
weren't allowed to talk to me.
Well, I'm not talking to you,
just thanking a stranger
for coffee. Nice.
DOG BARKS
No, no! Keeps trying to run
off. His name's Ricky Hatton,
so calling out for
him's a bit weird.
Can you not just call him Ricky?
He only responds
to the full name.
Why are you doing so
much door to door?
I asked my dad for
a phone and instead,
he took away all my
evenings for a week.
What do you need a phone for?
Work experience, which I need
if I want to go to uni and...
..be a doctor. ..Get
away from the order.
Well, enjoy the decaf.
Real coffee's great,
but I guess that's the
price of living in fear.
I don't live in fear.
Oh, shit.
Oh, I think this is the decaf.
Oh! Oh, my gosh. Oh,
my gosh, oh, my gosh.
They were both decaf, Rachel.
Ugh!
See you tomorrow.
So Aaron, it's been three visits now
and I haven't felt much community.
Do you feel you have
a community? Sure.
I mean, I haven't got any
friends, but I draw lots.
Look.
David, where did
you find that cup?
Oh, from some chintzy
armoire in your hallway.
My antique cabinet - that's
not meant to be drunk out of.
Any liquid hotter than 40
degrees would strip the patina.
Ooh, that's hot.
I guess I can forget about
tasting these custard creams.
OK, maybe we should
end these sessions.
You seem socially maladjusted,
and I think your son has anger
problems. My son idolises me.
David, he's drawing
you in an acid bath.
Joel, if you've got an issue
with me, say it to my face.
I have an issue with you.
I'm saying it. Well,
here's another issue.
I'm putting this down
without a coaster.
Clearly, I only meant
to leave a ring.
CAMERA CLICKS
Fiona, I've noticed that
you and your husband
sleep in two
separate single beds.
David likes to push them
together on special occasions,
but the table makes
that difficult.
So why'd you put the
table there, then?
I just told you.
DOOR OPENS DOWNSTAIRS
David's back. Maybe we should
pause while I talk to him.
Fiona, if I paused with my ex,
I wouldn't have a new kitchen.
Fight back. Get the marble
countertops and the chrome taps.
Darling?
What the...?
Melissa, why is there a
stranger in my personal kingdom?
We're taking business
photos for the website.
Fiona, this book is
clear on what is seemly
and what is unseemly.
Hmm, thousand-year-old book
versus two living women.
This'll be good.
As the patriarch,
God caused me to
lead this household.
Don't make me use
that divine power.
Use it. Go on, then.
OK.
Fiona, as God's patriarch... I
want to do the business, David.
Then you have my permission.
Well done, big man.
Now, get out.
Can I come in to
change my shirt?
No. You can come
back in the room
when I'm done making money
and I'm a money magnet, David!
Money magnet!
Was that good? A
little too good.
But I'm here for it.
KNOCKING AT DOOR
Ugh. Is it urgent, Andrew?
I've just emancipated my wife
and I'm feeling pretty low.
Just returned from Joel's house.
Apparently, you attacked an
expensive collector's item
with another expensive
collector's item.
It was a lesson, to teach him the
real value of worldly possessions.
Well, the real value
was five grand.
He'd like you to
reimburse him. What?
It was an accident. I only meant
to cause superficial damage.
Fortunately, I've convinced
him to forgive you.
I've also persuaded Elder Samson not
to revoke any of your privileges,
even though this
is, to his memory,
the most disgraceful thing
any ordinand has ever done.
Thank you.
Given the situation, I'll be
looking after Joel from now on.
Sorry, David. Obviously,
Andrew is your buddy,
but Elder Andrew...
..he must walk a different path.
Well, Andrew might not see the
benefits of my ministering style,
but Aaron clearly does.
Look at this drip technique.
He's moved on to abstract art.
No more violent images of...
Hmm.
He probably started
that weeks ago.
He started as soon as he
came back from Joel's. Right.
I'm done. A whole week of night
preaching. 80 doors, 100 pamphlets.
Nearly lost my finger to
a razor-sharp letterbox.
Number 38. I know it
well. But I'm done.
Rachel, I've been reflecting.
I think it's only right to
reward your labour after all.
You mean... Dad, really?
This has seen history.
You couldn't get me a new one?
They don't build them like
this any more, Rachel.
POWERING-UP TONE
Look at that battery life.
10%, and it hasn't been
plugged in since 9/11.
Look alive.
Try the home phone.
Is it ringing?
It's getting really warm.
Great. Respect the awesome
power it grants you.
PHONE HINGES CREAK
OUTSIDE: Ricky Hatton!
Ricky!
Mr Hatton?
DOG BARKS
Ricky Hatton!
You found him, then?
Yeah. Peace offering.
Peppermint, for the sake
of both of our souls.
But drink quickly. The mug's
absence will be noticed.
Mmm, can't wait to chug
this scalding liquid.
PHONE BEEPS
Oh, you got a phone? Yeah.
It leaks battery acid and can't
text or call. Just as well.
Which means I can give
you my peace offering.
Good as new.
Oh, my gosh.
It's just my old handset.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I guess if I needed
to message you,
for help with the phone, I
mean, your number's on here?
No.
You can't bring yourself to
ask me, can you? Put it on.
HORSE RACING
COMMENTARY ON EARPHONES
Miss? You asked to
see me in your office.
I did say that, and it
made me feel very powerful.
Rachel, congratulations.
You're officially
an unpaid volunteer.
You start ladling medically
thickened gravy on Monday.
They picked me? From a
field of zero applicants.
They picked me! What a great day,
my favourite people succeeding,
and a crazy man smashed
my ex's coffee table.
He's crushed, Rachel.
And his libido was
already so fragile.
How's my phone, Rachel?
So many memories -
hours texting my dad
about how the Old Testament
predicted the credit crunch.
Yeah, it's been... great, Dad.
Now, Fiona, I know I gave my
permission for your business,
but not everyone's so
liberal about bags, OK?
I wouldn't mention it
to the congregation.
Thank you for the advice, David.
GENIAL CHATTER
Sister Lewis, you've given our
chapter its own de facto uniform.
Now we can all band together,
I'm sure there'll be fewer
harassment incidents.
Or more, since we're
easier to spot.
But, hey, if women could be
elders, you'd be a shoo-in.
And honestly, I could see that
rule changing one day. I can't.
But thank you for donating
the proceeds. Thank you.
If you'll excuse me, I
might go speak with my...
Is it prideful to say fans?
My fans.
INAUDIBLE CHAT
David. You'll see
I'm on the gold cola.
No caffeine.
It tastes... Well, really
quite different, actually.
Thankfully, Samson's been pretty
chill about the whole thing.
Abijah, you're on probation.
Pop your scarf back on.
Squash, strong.
I've realised something.
When you told me to look within,
you weren't just talking about
my family's mistakes, were you?
You were talking
about my own. Yes.
We were talking exclusively
about you, David.
Your pride, your tendency
to blame external factors
instead of yourself. Hmm.
I'd like to return
this to the archives.
Is that a first edition
of our oldest maxims?
They're horrendously outdated,
them. I thought we burnt them all.
"Love thy neighbour" has an asterisk
leading to a big list of exceptions.
Shred it, Abijah.
Pulp the remains.
PHONE BUZZES
VOICE NOTE FROM JOSHUA:
Wow, your first text.
Welcome to the information age.
Don't mind me, Rachel.
Just destroying this book
of forbidden knowledge.
MESSAGE PLAYS AGAIN:
Wow, your first text.
Welcome to the information age.
Just a pilgrim on a journey
Well, I got no
time to tarry here
Don't you stop me
Cos I'm going to a land
where skies are clear
And I ain't got time
To linger longer
I ain't got time
To stop today.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media