Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 9, Episode 7 - Debra's Parents - full transcript

Ray walks in on Debra's parents having sex and tells Debra. Which leads Debra to think that her parents are getting back together.

-Hey, cutie.
- What?

Nothing.

You're just cute.

What do you want?

Okay, I screwed up.

You know how my mom
is coming for Thanksgiving?

- Yeah.
- Well, last night I sort of...

invited my father too.

What are you doing?
They're divorced.

You can't invite them
to the same place anymore.

They legally agreed
to not like each other.



It was an accident.

He told me he was gonna be
in Madagascar for Thanksgiving,

so just to be nice, you know,
I said, "Oh, it's too bad

you can't come too. We're gonna
miss you." And then last night,

he called and said he
put the whole trip off and he's coming.

Oh, why are you nice?!

I know, but your mom said
that my mom can stay at your house,

and the kids'll
stay in one room.

My dad'll
take our room--

Whoa. You gave
your dad my bed?

The man sleeps naked
and spoons the pillow.

I'll get the pillow
outta there.

Get the man outta there.

He's got a bad back.
He needs the firm mattress.



I'm sorry, Ray. What can I do?
Look, they're coming,

and we just have to
both suffer through it.

Yeah, by "we" you mean
me and my pillow.

And by the way,

you knew about this last night,
and all I get is, "Hey, cutie"?

What do you want?

Yeah. I'm just saying, this took
five minutes, that takes three.

So, R-R-Raymond...

how's everything
in el mundo

de los deportes?

What?

The world of the sports.

Ha. Good.
It's good, good.

Okay, I'm gonna go

help the el wife-o el...

What are you doing?
Don't leave me like that.

It's going well, huh?

I thought it was gonna
be tense, but it's not tense.

I was a little bit nervous,
but I think I'm fine.

Yeah, you're doing fine.

Yeah, well, I'm glad it worked out
this way with both of them being here.

- I think it's gonna be fun.
- Get my pillow.

You got anything in here
I can poison myself with?

Listen, I know I'm big,
but where can I hide?

This stinks.

I thought those two were gonna
duke it out all weekend.

Uh, nope.
They get along great.

I say they're
faking it.

If I weren't loving
these chips so much,

I'd go back in
and poke a few holes

in their phony
happy-divorce crap.

What am I saying?
I can do both.

No no no, Dad,
come on.

Look, I already lost my bed.
I don't need an angry wife.

So please, do me a favor--
don't be horrible today.

It's my Thanksgiving too.

Listen, Ray's right,
Dad, okay?

Don't cause any trouble...

unless it'll get
the mean outta your system,

and then you can
be extra nice tomorrow

when Amy's parents come.

I can't predict
these things.

What was that, huh? What are you
doing telling him to be mean today?

Hey, listen, I still have a chance
with Amy's parents.

Your family's already
shot to hell.

Gosh, Daddy,

Madagascar sounds great.

I've been dying to go.

Well, seeing as how
you two are so chummy,

maybe Warren'll
take you with him.

No, thank you.
No more traveling with Warren.

He spends all of his time
looking at his tip conversion chart.

You two took some amazing
trips together.

Yeah,
that sounds peachy.

Warren, what about
Al, Al, the ladies' pal?

- Dad.
- What's that, Frank?

"Al E. Mony."

That's gotta be a big bite
outta your ass, huh?

That's enough.

Yeah, Frank,
why are you being so--?

Shh. Mean tonight,
nice tomorrow.

It's okay, Deb.

Frank knows that your mother
and I have reached a point

where we can laugh
about our divorce.

That's right.
We're fine with it.

I just think it's wonderful
that you two are able

to focus on the positive
and not waste any time

worrying about
eternal damnation.

Ma!

Why don't we
call it a night?

I have a lot to get ready
for tomorrow's dinner.

Yes, and I should work
on my just-in-case turkey.

All right.
Good night, everybody.

Debra, I'll see you
in the morning.

Bye-bye.

- Get the mean out of your system?
- Nope.

Looking forward to seeing
Amy's parents tomorrow.

Well, I guess I'd better
pack it in too.

Thanks, Raymond,
for lending me your bed.

- Ha ha. Good night, Daddy.
- Good night, sweetie.

Gets a little chilly
up there--

in case you want to borrow
a pair of PJs.

No, I'm fine
au naturel.

Besides, my body's
like a furnace.

Well, you know
what they say--

it's not Thanksgiving till you got
a sweaty old man in your bed.

You know, your parents
are unbelievable.

Al E. Mony?
Is your father insane?

Your mother always
bringing up hell,

as if creating it
all around her isn't enough.

Your parents seemed
to handle everything pretty good.

- They seemed fine with everything.
- It was just an act.

They're trying to make the best
of an awkward situation.

You should be happy. Their divorce
is better than my parents' marriage.

I should be happy? I should be happy
that after 41 years of marriage

my parents can just
laugh and laugh

about how they're never
gonna be together again?

Yeah, Ray,
I'm so happy.

Listen, Ray, I'm sorry about going
all crazy before.

Well, I didn't notice.

I guess I just
always thought

that my parents,
you know, maybe...

But I guess
you're right.

If they're happy
with the way things are,

then I should
be fine with it too.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Good.

You're definitely
all right?

Yeah.

So it's okay to ask
where my pillow is?

- Oh, yeah, I forgot it.
- Ah.

Your father's probably
all over it by now.

You know what?
I think he's still up.

I heard him brushing his teeth
a few minutes ago.

Oh, God. I gotta get it

before he makes it
into a thigh sandwich.

Oh, Warren,
you're so impatient.

Was he naked?

I'm sorry, sweetie.

You know what?
I'll go get it.

No!

- Ray.
- You can't go near there.

What are you
talking about?

Just sleep now.

What is wrong
with you?

He and your mother
are getting it on!

- What?
- It was horrible.

She was all--
and he was all--

Are you sure
they were doing that?

Why don't you ask
the hairs on my neck?

You know, I knew it.

I could tell that there
was something between them.

Yes! My pillow!

She must've snuck
over here.

- How cute is that?
- It's not cute.

Listen,
you don't understand.

You don't understand
'cause your parents are still married.

I understand that.

No no, you take it
for granted.

These are my parents, and it really hurt
when they got divorced.

That's why
this is so great.

- Where are you going?
- To say hi.

Are you crazy, woman?

Well, all right,
maybe you're right.

It might be
embarrassing.

And it'll burn
your retinas.

Okay, all right then.

We'll just pretend that
we didn't see anything.

Okay okay.

I don't know that I can.

Buenos dias, todos.

Morning, Daddy.

- You sure slept late.
- Yeah, that is some bed.

Okay.
Where are the kids?

They in the yard? All right,
I'm gonna go see if they're smoking.

Good morning, Raymond.

Hi, I'm gonna go out and play
with the kids.

- You don't have any shoes on.
- No, okay, I don't.

Well, come have breakfast
with us.

I'm not gonna be hungry
for a very long time.

- Good morning, Debra.
- Hi, Mom.

- Good morning, Warren.
- Good morning, Lois.

How was everything
across the street last night?

Oh, fine. I had a wonderful sleep.
How about you?

Great. I feel
like a new man.

These two have
a terrific mattress.

I'll have to
try it out sometime.

What's the matter,
Raymond?

Oh, nothing, no. I just--
I had a bad bad dream last night.

Okay, eggs for Mom,
eggs for Dad.

- Eggs for Mom and Dad.
- Thanks, honey bunny.

It sure is good to see you two
so hungry again.

- What's that, dear?
- Okay, nothing.

Listen, I have to go borrow
Marie's roasting pan,

so I'll be back
in a minute.

Everybody behave
themselves.

Oh my God, do you think she knows?
Raymond...

I don't know. I don't know anything.
Just eat your eggs.

They know.
They heard us.

I told you
to keep it down.

Okay, all right.

Okay, I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna go
but, uh...

don't worry.
Everything's fine.

Debra just-- she's happy
that you two guys are back together,

so Happy Thanksgiving,

and if I don't see you,
Merry Christmas.

- Raymond, wait.
- God.

I think there's been
a misinterpretation.

Yeah, Ray, we're not
getting back together.

Yeah, but...

you guys were...

That doesn't mean
we're back together.

So that was just...

- Sex.
- Aaah.

But Debra thinks
it's something more?

Yeah, she does.

Oh, dear.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Maybe Debra's right.

How do you know that
what happened last night

wasn't the start of you two guys
getting back together?

Well, to tell you
the truth,

Iast night
wasn't the first time.

You guys gotta get
a Scrabble board.

All right, well,
I mean, let's just think this out.

You guys,

you're getting along
pretty good

in every department.

So why not just slap
a couple of fresh "l dos" on there,

and make this the best
Thanksgiving ever?

Raymond,
we're not in love.

Love. Pssh.

We have to talk to her.

I guess
I'd better get dressed.

Would you bring down
my earrings?

I left them
on the bedside table.

- I didn't see them.
- Well, they're there.

No, I specifically remember
not seeing earrings

on the bedside table.

How can a person
specifically remember

not seeing something?

I'll get them myself.

Fine, but they're
not there.

Oh, for God's sake.

Not in love? Come on.

- Here we are.
- Oh, hey, Deb,

- and everybody else.
- Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Debra said
she needed my roasting pan,

which I've recognized
was a cry for help.

Don't worry, I can
salvage this meal.

Come on, Dad,
pregame's on.

Sorry, Deb.

No, listen,
you know what?

It's great that
everybody's together,

'cause that's what
Thanksgiving's all about--

families being together.

Did you have
a drink today already?

No, but you know what? I want
to toast my parents at dinner tonight.

Where is that bottle of champagne
we forgot to give Robert and Amy

- for their wedding?
- I don't know,

but why don't you talk
to your parents first?

- Maybe they're not into being toasted.
- I want it to be a surprise.

- Ah, here it is.

I don't think you should
make a big deal out of this.

- Why not?
- Well, all right, listen.

Your parents-- they're not
getting back together.

What are you talking about?
You saw them.

Yeah, I did, and I still see them
every time I blink.

But they told me that this
was just like a casual...

rendezvous.

You mean, they're just...

A couple of horn dogs.

Yeah, sorry.

I gotta go talk to them.

What happened?

She just found out
that her parents are...

still divorced.

I thought it might
have something to do

with Lois sneaking out
of our house last night

in her bathrobe.

And she didn't get back
till 4:00 a.m.

I remember, 'cause that's
my third pee.

No.
Nah, it was just--

Warren's back was hurting
and Lois came by to help. That's all.

Oh, come on!

- They're doing it again!
- What?

Oh my God. It's like
spring break up there.

I knew it.

Debra, Debra.

Are you getting
back together again or not?

- Well, no, but--
- But what, what?

If you're not getting back together,
what the hell are you doing?

Hello.

Happy Thanksgiving,
everyone.

Mom, Dad.

Sweetheart, you don't
have to be married to have sex.

In fact, nothing
has freed us

to explore our sexuality
more than our divorce.

We're rehearsing
for a local musical.

Mom. Dad.
Please don't go.

It's a musical.
We've got a part for you.

I gotta say, Warren,
you played this one right.

All the baggin',
none of the naggin'.

All right, all right,
Dad, please.

Debra, we are so sorry.

We certainly didn't mean
to hurt you.

I don't think
you were thinking of me at all,

or anybody else
for that matter--

you sneaking around
up there;

poor Ray walks in
and sees you.

You saw us?

No, just, uh--
just--

just an arm
and a foot and...

a little bit of bottom.

How long has this
been going on, huh?

Did you celebrate the signing
of your divorce papers

- with a quick roll in the hay?
- No, sweetheart.

It's just that when you spend
half your life with someone,

and then they're
not there anymore,

sometimes it gets lonely.

Then you lose your control
of your urges

and you do
unspeakable things.

Okay, Marie.

So you don't like each other enough
to stay married,

but you have no problem
getting together

for all of that.

I don't know
what to say,

other than I guess
getting together like that

every once in a while
just makes us happy.

If we all just did things
that made us happy,

this world would be
a terrible place.

All right, Marie.

You know, I'm not thrilled that
my parents are standing

in my living room in our sheets,
but they're still my parents.

What am I supposed
to say to them--

"l want you to be miserable
for the rest of your lives,

Iike some people"?

I'm sure I don't know
what you're talking about.

I do.

I-l-I just wish things were different
between the two of you.

But I do want you
to be happy.

How about this little girl
of ours, huh?

I sure know what
I'm thankful for this year.

Yeah yeah. How about you go
put some clothes on?

Okay.

And buy
a Scrabble board.

I don't care
what the part is.

I do not want
to be in that musical.