Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 9, Episode 6 - Boys' Therapy - full transcript
Debra, Amy, and Marie want their husbands to have therapy. But in secret, the boys actually go to gamble at the track.
I don't know why you make me
read them bedtime stories.
All I hear is,
"Mommy reads better.
'Sports Illustrated'
isn't a book."
I have a thought.
Hey hey,
don't get overheated.
Might I suggest
that perhaps the reason
for Raymond's
unwillingness to share
with the parental
responsibilities
is a fear of intimacy,
brought on by his distant
and somewhat strained relationship
with his father?
Robert's been seeing
Dr. Greenberg every Tuesday.
What, your therapist?
Oh, that's wonderful,
Robbie.
How does he do it...
push two couches together?
You see,
joking is nothing more
than a defense mechanism.
It masks some real problems
that certain men have
because they are afraid
to get in touch with their feelings.
Hey, Dad, I'm giving Robert
the finger in my mind.
Want me to put one up
for you?
No, I got it.
Both of you,
put those down.
That's okay, Ma.
This is men in a nutshell.
I wish you would take Ray
to Dr. Greenberg sometime.
Don't think
I wouldn't love to.
Most of my problems stem
from my combative
male relationships in the home.
Shut up.
God forbid you should improve
as a human being.
Fix your relationship
with your brother.
My relationship
with him is fine.
What are you bringing
this psycho-crapola
into my house for?
It's not crapola!
You're just afraid
to look at yourself.
No, I'm afraid to look at you
'cause you're ugly.
You're the ugly one.
You're ugly on the inside.
Then go outside!
- You go outside!
- It's my house!
I forgot... you don't have a house
'cause you still don't have a life!
What? What?
Oh... listen,
I didn't mean it.
Come on.
Come on.
Look,
all right, all right.
Maybe...
I'll go with you tomorrow.
Yes!
I can't wait
to hear how it goes.
Me too.
Tell me all about it.
Oh, you're going too,
Frank.
No, sir.
Oh, yes.
Or I will finally
be calling Cousin Bella.
- Don't you threaten me.
- Who's cousin Bella?
My cousin Bella happens to be
a top psychiatrist.
She's a hideous monster.
For years, she's offered to come up
from South Carolina
to stay with us
for some emergency
marriage counseling.
I'm gonna call her
right now.
Put down that phone.
She's gonna stay with us
as long as it takes
to make you a person.
All right!
I'll go with them
to the thing.
He's gonna have therapy!
- Dad!
- Oh, my gosh, he's going to therapy!
I can't believe it!
Wonderful day!
Oh, and Frank,
don't be afraid to let them keep you
for observation.
This is so great.
All right, guys,
there's a couple of things
I wanna go over
before we go inside.
I don't want this
to throw you off,
but Dr. Greenberg
has a bit of a lazy eye.
Okay?
So when he looks at you,
he may not be looking at you.
He may be looking
at you.
So you guys know what
you wanna start with today?
How much I hate you.
Actually,
that's very good.
Don't hold back, Raymond.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Yeah, I actually
have something
- I need to get off my chest.
- What is it, Dad?
I'm not going in there.
What?
I'm not going in there,
and I would never set foot
in some voodoo man's sucker trap...
not for all the tea
in China,
nor for all
the Chinese waitresses
who bring the tea.
There. I feel better.
Dad, come on.
We had a deal.
Hey, look, if he's not going,
then I'm not going, all right?
- Let's just get a slice.
- Now you're talking.
No, wait.
Listen listen. Hey hey.
I'm paying an extra $100
for this session,
and it's two hours,
you see,
so you can't go home
because the girls will know.
Did you pay him
the extra money yet?
No, I'm gonna pay him
right now.
You've got
100 extra bucks...
and we've got
two free hours?
Ooh, yeah!
This is not
what I had in mind.
Oh, no?
We're up 500 bucks.
Maybe you should start
having that in mind, phone pole.
Yeah, phone pole,
'cause you're big.
All right, that's enough.
Not only did you two
lie to the girls,
but you made me lie
to the doctor.
Now it's gonna be
harder than ever
to look Dr. Greenberg
in the eye.
Oh my God,
look at this.
We gotta bet this horse.
This is a big horse,
a sure thing.
This horse is unstoppable.
"Marie's Mouth."
This is a sign from God.
We're supposed to be here.
I'm in!
I'm way in.
Care for a piece, Robert?
It is a good sign.
So how was therapy?
I gotta tell you,
it was kind of
a fulfilling experience.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, isn't this wonderful?
What did you think, Frank?
Well, when you were
yanking me into this,
I was, as you know,
very skeptical.
But then I got there,
and I have to say...
it really paid off.
And I owe it all
to Marie's Mouth.
I'm so happy I helped.
To Marie's Mouth!
This is so great!
You mean this guy
got through to you guys a little?
I gotta tell you,
that Dr. Greenberg,
he's a genius.
Know what? I am
really proud of you guys.
So what else
did Dr. Greenberg say?
Well... he said that I've
actually been in denial
with my feelings
towards Robert.
Yeah.
I think I love him now.
This is so sweet.
And we realize how lucky we are
to have you guys at home too.
Dr. Greenberg said that
our marital companions
can help our situation
even further.
Oh, fine with me. How?
Well...
we all have... you know...
tension...
and whatever you can do
to alleviate...
you know...
Dr. Greenberg said.
I'm happy to help.
Oh, Frank, I can't wait
to talk more about this.
I always say
nothing is more important
than discussing one's feelings,
and now we can have
real discussions.
Yeah.
About that...
Dr. Greenberg advised me
to have a cone of silence.
A cone of silence?
Yes, I need
a cone of silence...
...around me whenever I feel
"Bad Frank" coming on.
He suggested
a 10-foot radius.
A little more.
That's good, honey.
Oh, Chi Chi.
I'll do anything if it means
you're mentally balanced.
The balance
feels good now.
Hello, ladies.
Hey.
How are we doing?
We are up like a wedgie
on the fat kid at camp.
How much?
Well, my Papa,
after five weeks,
we have cleared
1,400 semoles.
Here's to psychotherapy.
What excuse did you give
Dr. Greenberg this week?
I didn't even
talk to him this week.
I told him I was gonna be
working undercover for a while,
and when I came back,
I'd have plenty of issues.
What kind of issues?
I told him
I had to dress as a woman,
and I had to borrow the outfit
from my mother.
- That's perfect.
- I know.
If he only knew
what a sick bastard you really are.
I know!
So what's gonna be
our breakthrough for today?
Let's see.
The last thing
I told the wives
is that we were working on
Dad's withholding of affection
when we were kids...
Good good.
...and how it impacted
negatively on us.
For instance,
whenever I did something
I always felt that Dad
was disappointed in me,
not to mention
the neglect and verbal abuse.
Okay.
So what can we say as to
why you were like that...
you know, unreceptive
to our needs and stuff?
Right right.
Why was I like that?
'Cause you two were
a couple of monkey's asses.
Okay.
I think that might be
the verbal abuse
you're talking about,
Robert.
No.
I been thinking about this
since last week.
You know what you two's
problems were?
You took all that abuse stuff
personally.
Of course we took it
personally.
You're our father!
It was just business.
This isn't exactly
what they call
a triumph of analysis.
What else you got?
What else you got?
How about, uh...
you were withdrawn from
your relationship with us
because your father
was like that with you?
That's friggin' great.
Yeah. Very good, Raymond.
Yeah yeah. Just like you were
talking about the other day.
I'm kind of a lousy dad
because of him,
so I just back it up
one more to Grandpa Joe.
Yeah yeah, and his dad
was the worst.
- My Grandpa Sal.
- Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah.
Grandpa Sal, very scary.
He once made Mussolini
wet himself.
My dad used to tell me
horrible stories
about how his father
used to hit him...
when he wasn't hitting me.
Grandpa Joe hit you?
Sure.
I got hit every day.
Wow, Dad.
I didn't know
it was like that for you.
It was like that
for everybody.
That's just the way it was.
So your dad's dad
hit him,
he hit you,
and you never really
hit us.
I couldn't.
I don't know.
I was always
weaker than him.
Maybe you didn't want
to be like him.
I didn't.
The girls will buy that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
They'll eat it up
like a bag of candy.
Come on, let's bet
the next race.
I'm treating.
Hey Dad,
can we get ice cream?
Sure.
Is it 6:00 yet?
Almost. The boys should
be home from therapy soon.
Isn't it wonderful?
Frank's a new man.
It's like I'm cheating.
Did you see this?
- What?
- What is it, dear?
It's Dr. Greenberg.
Obituaries. He died?
Oh my God,
that's awful.
I know.
He had a heart attack
last week.
He was such
a sweet man.
Oh, his poor family.
This is terrible.
Wait a minute.
He died last week?
It's subconscious,
which is why
we have to keep going.
Hello, beauties.
Something smells good,
and I'm not
talking about dinner.
Hey there, baby doll.
How about giving Daddy
a little sugar?
Good session today?
Oh, great great.
Some major breakthroughs.
Better than major.
General... four-star
general breakthroughs.
I gotta be honest...
I feel really great.
Since I've been
in analysis,
my whole outlook
is different.
That Dr. Greenberg
was sent from heaven.
Hey, look at this.
What do you got?
I thought he looked
a little pale when we left.
What is it?
Oh my God,
was he hit by a car?
He's got that lazy eye.
It was a heart attack,
Robert.
He died last week.
Oh.
Ohh!
What is it?
Give me that.
Good night.
Where do you think
you're going, Frank?
The news is depressing.
I'm gonna lie down.
Frank,
you'd better take
a good look at this section,
'cause you're gonna
be in there tomorrow.
Well, maybe not tomorrow.
Looks like
it takes a week.
I demand an explanation.
You lied to us.
Where exactly
have you been going?
All right,
if you must know.
- We go to church...
- Oh, bull!
Oh! To lie about church
is a double sin!
This is a terrible
thing you did.
What did we do?
You tricked us into thinking
you weren't pigs anymore,
but you are worse than pigs.
You're talking pigs who lie!
Why would you
do this to us?
Here we were so happy
that you guys
were finally connecting.
And we pictured you sitting
in Dr. Greenberg's office
and going through
all your awful fights
and traumas and crying,
and it was so cute.
Where did you go, Frank?
I'm not talking.
There is such a thing
as patient-doctor confidentiality.
Robbie?
To the track.
Oh, what?!
You're gambling?!
What are you...
an imbecile?
How dare you?!
I'm married to a mentally diseased,
gambling psychopath.
Oh, yeah?
I won!
I won!
And I'm glad
what I done.
It's a good thing we didn't go to
the headshrinker.
I told you guys
therapy was a crock.
They take your money
and then when you
need the guy, like today,
he's doing something else.
This is
unbelievable, Ray.
No, Debra,
come on, look.
This was supposed
to make us happier, right?
Well, we're all
happy now.
This is dirty happiness.
You know what you did.
You played on
our sensitivities.
You took advantage of us.
You knew I would be
so proud of you
that I'd let you slide
on everything around here,
including me.
All right, okay.
But we really did
work stuff out.
Right, guys?
You know, we did.
We really did.
We had to, for our made-up crap
to be believable.
It's true.
Something good happened
while we weren't going to therapy.
Me and Dad and Robert,
we enjoyed being together
and we laughed and...
we found out stuff.
So you don't
have to be mad,
because what you wanted
us to get out of therapy
we kind of did.
And we feel good now,
except for
the dead doctor part.
But I can honestly say
that we are better people now.
You've seen it.
So can't you be
a little happy for us?
I am happy for you.
But don't touch me.
Deb.
I need a 10-foot radius.
No dinner for you!
I'm very disappointed
in you, Robert.
Who do I talk to?
Explain it again,
Cousin Bella,
because I really want him
to understand it.
Well, Frank...
it is my opinion
that this
lack of communication
comes from
your fear of intimacy.
But what you need to do
is listen to your wife
when she speaks.
Really listen to her.
Because it's important
that she knows
you care about her.
So we will explore
this together
over the next three weeks
that I'm here.
What are you feeling, Frank?
What am I feeling?
read them bedtime stories.
All I hear is,
"Mommy reads better.
'Sports Illustrated'
isn't a book."
I have a thought.
Hey hey,
don't get overheated.
Might I suggest
that perhaps the reason
for Raymond's
unwillingness to share
with the parental
responsibilities
is a fear of intimacy,
brought on by his distant
and somewhat strained relationship
with his father?
Robert's been seeing
Dr. Greenberg every Tuesday.
What, your therapist?
Oh, that's wonderful,
Robbie.
How does he do it...
push two couches together?
You see,
joking is nothing more
than a defense mechanism.
It masks some real problems
that certain men have
because they are afraid
to get in touch with their feelings.
Hey, Dad, I'm giving Robert
the finger in my mind.
Want me to put one up
for you?
No, I got it.
Both of you,
put those down.
That's okay, Ma.
This is men in a nutshell.
I wish you would take Ray
to Dr. Greenberg sometime.
Don't think
I wouldn't love to.
Most of my problems stem
from my combative
male relationships in the home.
Shut up.
God forbid you should improve
as a human being.
Fix your relationship
with your brother.
My relationship
with him is fine.
What are you bringing
this psycho-crapola
into my house for?
It's not crapola!
You're just afraid
to look at yourself.
No, I'm afraid to look at you
'cause you're ugly.
You're the ugly one.
You're ugly on the inside.
Then go outside!
- You go outside!
- It's my house!
I forgot... you don't have a house
'cause you still don't have a life!
What? What?
Oh... listen,
I didn't mean it.
Come on.
Come on.
Look,
all right, all right.
Maybe...
I'll go with you tomorrow.
Yes!
I can't wait
to hear how it goes.
Me too.
Tell me all about it.
Oh, you're going too,
Frank.
No, sir.
Oh, yes.
Or I will finally
be calling Cousin Bella.
- Don't you threaten me.
- Who's cousin Bella?
My cousin Bella happens to be
a top psychiatrist.
She's a hideous monster.
For years, she's offered to come up
from South Carolina
to stay with us
for some emergency
marriage counseling.
I'm gonna call her
right now.
Put down that phone.
She's gonna stay with us
as long as it takes
to make you a person.
All right!
I'll go with them
to the thing.
He's gonna have therapy!
- Dad!
- Oh, my gosh, he's going to therapy!
I can't believe it!
Wonderful day!
Oh, and Frank,
don't be afraid to let them keep you
for observation.
This is so great.
All right, guys,
there's a couple of things
I wanna go over
before we go inside.
I don't want this
to throw you off,
but Dr. Greenberg
has a bit of a lazy eye.
Okay?
So when he looks at you,
he may not be looking at you.
He may be looking
at you.
So you guys know what
you wanna start with today?
How much I hate you.
Actually,
that's very good.
Don't hold back, Raymond.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Yeah, I actually
have something
- I need to get off my chest.
- What is it, Dad?
I'm not going in there.
What?
I'm not going in there,
and I would never set foot
in some voodoo man's sucker trap...
not for all the tea
in China,
nor for all
the Chinese waitresses
who bring the tea.
There. I feel better.
Dad, come on.
We had a deal.
Hey, look, if he's not going,
then I'm not going, all right?
- Let's just get a slice.
- Now you're talking.
No, wait.
Listen listen. Hey hey.
I'm paying an extra $100
for this session,
and it's two hours,
you see,
so you can't go home
because the girls will know.
Did you pay him
the extra money yet?
No, I'm gonna pay him
right now.
You've got
100 extra bucks...
and we've got
two free hours?
Ooh, yeah!
This is not
what I had in mind.
Oh, no?
We're up 500 bucks.
Maybe you should start
having that in mind, phone pole.
Yeah, phone pole,
'cause you're big.
All right, that's enough.
Not only did you two
lie to the girls,
but you made me lie
to the doctor.
Now it's gonna be
harder than ever
to look Dr. Greenberg
in the eye.
Oh my God,
look at this.
We gotta bet this horse.
This is a big horse,
a sure thing.
This horse is unstoppable.
"Marie's Mouth."
This is a sign from God.
We're supposed to be here.
I'm in!
I'm way in.
Care for a piece, Robert?
It is a good sign.
So how was therapy?
I gotta tell you,
it was kind of
a fulfilling experience.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, isn't this wonderful?
What did you think, Frank?
Well, when you were
yanking me into this,
I was, as you know,
very skeptical.
But then I got there,
and I have to say...
it really paid off.
And I owe it all
to Marie's Mouth.
I'm so happy I helped.
To Marie's Mouth!
This is so great!
You mean this guy
got through to you guys a little?
I gotta tell you,
that Dr. Greenberg,
he's a genius.
Know what? I am
really proud of you guys.
So what else
did Dr. Greenberg say?
Well... he said that I've
actually been in denial
with my feelings
towards Robert.
Yeah.
I think I love him now.
This is so sweet.
And we realize how lucky we are
to have you guys at home too.
Dr. Greenberg said that
our marital companions
can help our situation
even further.
Oh, fine with me. How?
Well...
we all have... you know...
tension...
and whatever you can do
to alleviate...
you know...
Dr. Greenberg said.
I'm happy to help.
Oh, Frank, I can't wait
to talk more about this.
I always say
nothing is more important
than discussing one's feelings,
and now we can have
real discussions.
Yeah.
About that...
Dr. Greenberg advised me
to have a cone of silence.
A cone of silence?
Yes, I need
a cone of silence...
...around me whenever I feel
"Bad Frank" coming on.
He suggested
a 10-foot radius.
A little more.
That's good, honey.
Oh, Chi Chi.
I'll do anything if it means
you're mentally balanced.
The balance
feels good now.
Hello, ladies.
Hey.
How are we doing?
We are up like a wedgie
on the fat kid at camp.
How much?
Well, my Papa,
after five weeks,
we have cleared
1,400 semoles.
Here's to psychotherapy.
What excuse did you give
Dr. Greenberg this week?
I didn't even
talk to him this week.
I told him I was gonna be
working undercover for a while,
and when I came back,
I'd have plenty of issues.
What kind of issues?
I told him
I had to dress as a woman,
and I had to borrow the outfit
from my mother.
- That's perfect.
- I know.
If he only knew
what a sick bastard you really are.
I know!
So what's gonna be
our breakthrough for today?
Let's see.
The last thing
I told the wives
is that we were working on
Dad's withholding of affection
when we were kids...
Good good.
...and how it impacted
negatively on us.
For instance,
whenever I did something
I always felt that Dad
was disappointed in me,
not to mention
the neglect and verbal abuse.
Okay.
So what can we say as to
why you were like that...
you know, unreceptive
to our needs and stuff?
Right right.
Why was I like that?
'Cause you two were
a couple of monkey's asses.
Okay.
I think that might be
the verbal abuse
you're talking about,
Robert.
No.
I been thinking about this
since last week.
You know what you two's
problems were?
You took all that abuse stuff
personally.
Of course we took it
personally.
You're our father!
It was just business.
This isn't exactly
what they call
a triumph of analysis.
What else you got?
What else you got?
How about, uh...
you were withdrawn from
your relationship with us
because your father
was like that with you?
That's friggin' great.
Yeah. Very good, Raymond.
Yeah yeah. Just like you were
talking about the other day.
I'm kind of a lousy dad
because of him,
so I just back it up
one more to Grandpa Joe.
Yeah yeah, and his dad
was the worst.
- My Grandpa Sal.
- Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah.
Grandpa Sal, very scary.
He once made Mussolini
wet himself.
My dad used to tell me
horrible stories
about how his father
used to hit him...
when he wasn't hitting me.
Grandpa Joe hit you?
Sure.
I got hit every day.
Wow, Dad.
I didn't know
it was like that for you.
It was like that
for everybody.
That's just the way it was.
So your dad's dad
hit him,
he hit you,
and you never really
hit us.
I couldn't.
I don't know.
I was always
weaker than him.
Maybe you didn't want
to be like him.
I didn't.
The girls will buy that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
They'll eat it up
like a bag of candy.
Come on, let's bet
the next race.
I'm treating.
Hey Dad,
can we get ice cream?
Sure.
Is it 6:00 yet?
Almost. The boys should
be home from therapy soon.
Isn't it wonderful?
Frank's a new man.
It's like I'm cheating.
Did you see this?
- What?
- What is it, dear?
It's Dr. Greenberg.
Obituaries. He died?
Oh my God,
that's awful.
I know.
He had a heart attack
last week.
He was such
a sweet man.
Oh, his poor family.
This is terrible.
Wait a minute.
He died last week?
It's subconscious,
which is why
we have to keep going.
Hello, beauties.
Something smells good,
and I'm not
talking about dinner.
Hey there, baby doll.
How about giving Daddy
a little sugar?
Good session today?
Oh, great great.
Some major breakthroughs.
Better than major.
General... four-star
general breakthroughs.
I gotta be honest...
I feel really great.
Since I've been
in analysis,
my whole outlook
is different.
That Dr. Greenberg
was sent from heaven.
Hey, look at this.
What do you got?
I thought he looked
a little pale when we left.
What is it?
Oh my God,
was he hit by a car?
He's got that lazy eye.
It was a heart attack,
Robert.
He died last week.
Oh.
Ohh!
What is it?
Give me that.
Good night.
Where do you think
you're going, Frank?
The news is depressing.
I'm gonna lie down.
Frank,
you'd better take
a good look at this section,
'cause you're gonna
be in there tomorrow.
Well, maybe not tomorrow.
Looks like
it takes a week.
I demand an explanation.
You lied to us.
Where exactly
have you been going?
All right,
if you must know.
- We go to church...
- Oh, bull!
Oh! To lie about church
is a double sin!
This is a terrible
thing you did.
What did we do?
You tricked us into thinking
you weren't pigs anymore,
but you are worse than pigs.
You're talking pigs who lie!
Why would you
do this to us?
Here we were so happy
that you guys
were finally connecting.
And we pictured you sitting
in Dr. Greenberg's office
and going through
all your awful fights
and traumas and crying,
and it was so cute.
Where did you go, Frank?
I'm not talking.
There is such a thing
as patient-doctor confidentiality.
Robbie?
To the track.
Oh, what?!
You're gambling?!
What are you...
an imbecile?
How dare you?!
I'm married to a mentally diseased,
gambling psychopath.
Oh, yeah?
I won!
I won!
And I'm glad
what I done.
It's a good thing we didn't go to
the headshrinker.
I told you guys
therapy was a crock.
They take your money
and then when you
need the guy, like today,
he's doing something else.
This is
unbelievable, Ray.
No, Debra,
come on, look.
This was supposed
to make us happier, right?
Well, we're all
happy now.
This is dirty happiness.
You know what you did.
You played on
our sensitivities.
You took advantage of us.
You knew I would be
so proud of you
that I'd let you slide
on everything around here,
including me.
All right, okay.
But we really did
work stuff out.
Right, guys?
You know, we did.
We really did.
We had to, for our made-up crap
to be believable.
It's true.
Something good happened
while we weren't going to therapy.
Me and Dad and Robert,
we enjoyed being together
and we laughed and...
we found out stuff.
So you don't
have to be mad,
because what you wanted
us to get out of therapy
we kind of did.
And we feel good now,
except for
the dead doctor part.
But I can honestly say
that we are better people now.
You've seen it.
So can't you be
a little happy for us?
I am happy for you.
But don't touch me.
Deb.
I need a 10-foot radius.
No dinner for you!
I'm very disappointed
in you, Robert.
Who do I talk to?
Explain it again,
Cousin Bella,
because I really want him
to understand it.
Well, Frank...
it is my opinion
that this
lack of communication
comes from
your fear of intimacy.
But what you need to do
is listen to your wife
when she speaks.
Really listen to her.
Because it's important
that she knows
you care about her.
So we will explore
this together
over the next three weeks
that I'm here.
What are you feeling, Frank?
What am I feeling?