Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 9, Episode 4 - P.T. & A. - full transcript

Debra complains about how Ray dresses for the PTA meetings and Ray makes up a lie that the other women at the PTA say Debra dresses 'trampy'. Hurt by this, Debra decides to have revenge on the PTA.

What's to eat?

Oh, you couldn't
possibly be hungry.

You spent the whole P.T.A. Meeting
at the buffet table.

And what is that
on your shirt?

Chocolate pudding.

Want some?

Ugh.

By the way,
you couldn't wear

a nicer shirt
to the P.T.A. Meeting?

I don't wanna get chocolate pudding
on a nicer shirt.

You know, you don't even care
how you look.



Or sound or act or smell.
Hello.

Deb, can we
watch TV over here?

Frank fell asleep

with the remote
tucked into his boxers.

And then the channel changed
so we got the hell out of there.

Ray, what happened
to your shirt?

Thank you, Amy.

Ray, the P.T.A. Meeting
is here next week,

and I'd appreciate it
if you didn't look like that.

- It's a reflection on me.
- Oh, come on.

No. I can't imagine
what people think

when we walk in
someplace together.

They're thinking,
"What a beautiful woman

with horribly impaired
vision."



Yeah.

What does Amy hear?

"Look out, lady,
it's right behind you."

All I'm saying, Ray,

is that when the P.T.A.
Is here next week,

I would appreciate it if you
wouldn't wallow in your own filth.

- Ha ha. 'Cause you're a pig.
- Yeah.

Well, that's all very funny
considering what I heard

people say about
how Debra looks tonight.

What are you talking about?

Nothing. I was standing
by the buffet,

I overheard one of
the mothers say,

"I wonder where
the rest of her dress is."

Who said that?

I don't know.

The woman who's always there...
tall and skinny.

She was blocking
the bean dip.

Liz Sharpe?
She complimented me on this dress.

You don't know
what you're talking about.

I'm just telling you
what they were saying.

What "they"?
Was there somebody else?

She said that, and then
the other woman said,

"Yeah. That dress
makes her look..."

What?

"...trampy."

Trampy?

L... why would
they say that?

Oh, that's ridiculous.
That dress looks fantastic.

You have a great body
and you're not afraid to show it.

...is what I think
Amy is thinking.

Right, hot stuff?

Deb, don't pay any
attention to those women.

They're just jealous.

They wish they had
the courage to wear

what the kids today
are wearing...

you know, at our age.

Thanks, Amy.

Okay, well,
you know what?

I'm gonna call it
a night.

Oh, wow.

I didn't want her
to feel horrible.

Nice going, Amy.

I did not mean that
the way it sounded.

I meant it
as a compliment.

She's adorable.
Everybody thinks that.

Isn't she adorable, Robert?

Hey.

Do you have any rubbing alcohol?
I got the remote from Dad.

Don't don't. Aw.

Come on. Now we gotta
throw away the table.

How's Deb doing?
She seemed pretty upset.

Yeah. She was actually
moping around all morning.

That's too bad. Amy's gonna
come over later to apologize.

She felt terrible
for what she said.

I shouldn't even have
mentioned it in the first place.

You were probably
right to do it.

You don't want Deb to think
that these people are her friends.

She should know the truth.

Yeah-hh... well...

the truth...

What?

All right, listen.

You know... you know, uh,
Liz... whatever her name is

and those other women...
what they said?

I made it up.

You made it up?

Yeah, and I feel
kind of bad.

"Kind of bad"?
You should be in jail.

Why... why would you
even do that?

I don't know.
I lie, I guess.

Debra was just getting
on me about being a slob,

and she was dressed all, "Look at this,
look at that, look at this".

You know that little part
in your brain

that doesn't think things
all the way through?

That's not the little part
of your brain.

- You gotta tell her, Raymond.
- I know.

I'm just waiting
for the right moment, that's all.

Hey, Deb.

Looking good.

Hey. You're dressed
kind of casual

even for chilling out.

At least I'm dressed
age-appropriately.

Yeah, listen,

about that...

Amy feels bad.

I know she didn't mean
to hurt my feelings.

Look, I probably shouldn't be
wearing a dress like that.

I've worn it
so many times.

I can only imagine how many
other people think I look trampy.

They don't think that,
trust me.

And your mother's made her share
of comments over the years.

I've always just dismissed them
because she's...

you know,
horrible, but...

maybe she's right.

When you think about it,

she's only saying what everybody else
has been thinking.

I'm just a middle-aged woman
who's fooling herself.

Look, Deb,
I gotta tell you something...

What really bugs me
is that word "trampy."

I mean, I know that dress
is a little low-cut, but "trampy"?

It's like they're going out of their way
to insult me.

What is with these women?
Don't they have bigger issues?

How about saying it to my face
instead of going behind my back?

That is so damn underhanded.
What kind of a person does that?

- I hate them.
- I know.

Huh?

Who are they to judge you?
They're jealous.

Did you see that Liz Sharpe
the other night?

Whoo-hoo.

She'd only want your dress
if it was deep-fried

and covered in sprinkles.

Liz is pretty skinny.

- She's a cow.
- You think?

Moooo.

That's a cow.

So you shouldn't let
those women get you down.

They're just a bunch of
uptight, catty hausfraus

who only get exercise when they
wrestle ham from each other.

I can't believe they're gonna be
over here next week.

You know what? I say we don't even
let them in this house.

I say no P.T.A. Meeting.

- In fact, we should switch schools.
- Oh...

don't be ridiculous.

You're right.
Who cares what they think?

It's good you don't care
what they think.

I don't care.

If you don't care,
then I don't care.

Thanks, Ray.

It's okay, I'm...

I'm there for you.

I like you
covered in chips.

Hi, Ray.
You look nice.

Are you going someplace
after this?

No, this is what I wear
when I'm knocking around the house.

Ah, shrimp.

Good ol' shrimp.

Anybody have
some club soda?

I can't let Debra
see me like this.

Hello.

Is everybody here?
Should we get the meeting started?

Does anybody else
need anything to eat or drink?

What are you doing?

Nothing. You have
a little cocktail sauce on your shirt.

At least I have a shirt.

Liz...

would you like to start off
with the fundraiser for the library?

L... I was...
just gonna say that the...

...book donations from the Junior
College might be delayed.

Hmm. You seem a little
distracted, Liz.

Is everything okay?

L... I don't know what
you're talking about, Debra.

Oh, Ray told me everything.

Enough of the chitchat.
So where are we on these book things?

This is the first
I'm hearing of any delay,

and this is total bull,
and it is an outrage.

And I'm not a big fan of books,
but the kids should have them, damn it.

Frank, you're the one
who broke the TV.

We're having a P.T.A. Meeting.
Can I help you with something?

Yes. We'd like
to join the P.T.A.

Debra...

why on earth
are you dressed that way?

Trust me, Marie,
I know what I'm doing.

Do you?

Do you know you're
in front of people?

All right. What are you guys
doing here?

I lost the remote,

so Dad threw his shoe
at the TV and broke it.

It's okay.
I like this show.

Everyone,
I think we should go.

Okay. Well, thanks
for coming over.

We should do this again.

Oh. I'll see you
at the church picnic.

Next time we'll all
dress like pirates.

You know, you don't
have to be embarrassed, Ray.

After what they said,
I don't care.

What did "they" say?

You know.

Robert, "they" said
that Debra dresses a little trampy.

I think "they" were
being kind.

Marie, I only wore this
to make a point.

Got it.

Debra, I'm not going to
lecture you on decorum

because I believe
you won't listen to me, but I really...

Marie, you're not gonna
make me feel bad.

I like the way I dress.
And, by the way, so does your son.

That's right.

I meant Raymond.

I mean, when he heard
what those women said about me,

he was really mad, right, Ray?

Listen, Deb...

I think you may have misunderstood
what I was saying

when I told you about
what those women said.

How did I misunderstand?

You believed me.

What?

I made it up.

You made it up?

You mean they never
called me trampy?

No, they did not.

That's the good news.
You have nice friends at the P.T.A.

You mean I used to!

Oh my God,
look at me!

Oh my God.

Ray, how could you
do this to me?!

I think he had
a very good reason.

You asked him
to wear a clean shirt,

and he told you everyone thinks
you're a tramp.

Excuse me, but...

a tramp can be a lovable character
who rides the rails.

I cannot
believe you, Ray!

Did you realize
how horrible

you made Debra
feel about herself?

Just because you didn't
want to admit that you're a...

sloppy guy.

What are you...
you're the one who said

at her age she
should be dressing like

she's pushing a walker
on her way to bingo.

I never said that.

You said exactly that, Amy!

Now listen, Deb...

I may have said those things,

but I didn't think you'd come
walking down like, uh uh uh...

- Sidewalk Sally?
- Yes.

Yes.

Why? Why'd you do that?

Because you made me think
they hated the way I dressed.

Just because they didn't say it
doesn't mean they don't think it.

I think maybe you have a problem
with the way I dress.

Maybe I do!

Well, why didn't you tell me
instead of pretending

it was the P.T. A?

Because I thought it would mean more
coming from them.

Debra, I must say
that in this instance

Raymond's absolutely right
about your wardrobe.

Marie, you know
this is not something

I would normally wear.

I see no difference
between this

and all your
other outfits.

What?

What about
that red dress of yours?

What red dress?

The one
with the open back.

You wore it to
Mom and Dad's anniversary.

Robert,

what was I wearing at your parents'
anniversary?

You... were...

ravishing

In a very lovely
spring ensemble.

Can I just say
one thing, Debra?

I say she can't.

Time arrives
in a woman's life

when she still
can show her body off

but she shouldn't.

It's just not
becoming of a lady.

I say that for every year
you're over 40,

you should add an inch
to the hemline of your dress.

Then you should be
dragging around a Persian rug.

We're not talking about me.
We're talking about Debra

who doesn't realize that
she's crossed the line of decency.

Oh, you think this
is indecent?

I'll show you indecent.

Gee, it's a little warm
in my house.

I don't think I feel like
wearing a top anymore.

Oh!

Oh! Frank,
we're leaving!

Debra has a serious problem.

Then let's help her.

Yeah, we should
probably all go.

This is a private matter
between Ray and Debra.

Come on, Robert.

Yes. This has suddenly
taken a very ugly turn,

and I, for one, do not
want to see what happens next.

Wow, that was...

that was great.

You scared them away
with your peep-show threat.

All right.
We gotta remember that move.

All right, listen...

listen.

You... you always say that when we walk
in a place together,

the way I dress
is a reflection on you.

Well... well, it works
the other way too, right?

What is wrong
with how I dress?

I don't know. It...

it's like you're advertising something
that's not for sale.

What, because you own me?

Yeah. No.

Well...

I own you and you own me.
That's marriage.

It's not my fault
you made a bad deal.

So what, you want me to go out

- in a parka and snow pants?
- No.

You want me to look good,
but not too good?

Yes.

Come on. Wait,
look at you.

You're... you're sexy.

Yeah, I could put on
some finer clothes

and... and maybe not
wear so much food,

but I'm still
gonna be this.

You know,
when we were going out,

people would say,
"What's that hot girl

doing with that nose
with sneakers?"

And... and here we are
15 years later,

and I'm still the same ol' guy
and you're

dressing all hot
and looking all great.

What are you looking for,
somebody in your own league?

Do you really think
I'm looking?

What am I supposed to think when you
go out dressed like Wonder Woman?

I dress the way I dress
because I am a housewife,

which is great
and I love that,

but I don't always want to dress like
a housewife.

That has nothing to do with me wanting
to get away from you...

most of the time.

And you can put yourself down
all you want,

but you are very
good-looking.

- Oh, shut up.
- No.

It's true.

In fact, you are
better looking now

than you were
when I met you.

It's not fair. You get distinguished
and handsome,

and I have to worry about
the day I get out of bed

and everything
hits the floor.

You got a couple of years left
before that's gonna happen.

Well, I guess
that's a compliment.

I'll take it.
I'll take any compliment.

You know, sometimes
people say nice things

about the way I dress,
and I guess I like that.

Well, yeah, but...

who's saying
nice things to you?

Just... people.

But a lot of times
I never get that

from you.

You know
I think you're hot.

Yes, I know when I go to bed
and turn off my light

I will get mauled.

It would be nice to hear it
with words sometimes

during the day...

when I have clothes on.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

Yes. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I did
what I did,

and that now we really have to
switch schools...

Madame Booby.

I'm going to go change.

Okay.

Hey, uh, you might need help
getting out of that.

That's pretty tight.