Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 9, Episode 15 - Pat's Secret - full transcript

-Hi!
-Hello, sweetie.

There's your
birthday present,

but you can't open
it till tomorrow.

Welcome, Mom
and Dad-in-law.

Hello, Robert.

Hello, Raymond!

Hey.

How are you doing?

Pat, I remember how much fun
you and Raymond had

doing that puzzle last year,
so I bought one--

"The Ten
Commandments,"



all of which
I love, by the way.

Not a stinker
among them.

Actually, we've already
done that puzzle.

Damn!

Guess I gotta work
on this one right here.

So, Mom, Dad, you guys will be
sleeping in our room tonight.

Yes, I think you'll be
very comfortable in our room.

We have a great bed.
You're really gonna enjoy it.

Not enjoy enjoy--

sleep,
enjoyable sleep,

'cause that's all you'll
be doing, I'm sure.

Which is not
to say you can't

do what you want,
'cause you can.

It's not like you'll be breaking
any commandments.



It's like your mouth is falling
down the stairs.

"Enjoy our bed."

I'm such an idiot.

Oh, hi.

Is everything all right?

What, can't sleep?

Yeah, me neither.

Your mom's cacciatore
was very spicy.

Wow!

Oh, Robert, please don't
tell anyone I smoke.

No no, I won't.

It's my dirty little secret.

I don't smoke a lot,
just three a day.

- I've tried to quit but they're so...
- Addictive.

I was gonna say
"wonderfully relaxing."

That too. Yeah.

So, no one knows?
Not Hank?

Oh, goodness, no.

- Not even... Raymond?
- No.

So, if you don't
mind me asking,

how have you been able to
keep it hidden?

It's not easy.

I buy my cigarettes
two counties over

where no one knows me.

But you never
smell like smoke.

I only smoke outside.
I hold it downwind

and I always have
plenty of minty chewing gum.

In fact, Hank thinks
gum-chewing is my bad habit.

Interesting.

I appreciate you being
so understanding, Robert.

Oh, sure.
Of course.

I've kept it hidden so long,
it's kind of nice

to let someone in
on the secret.

Well, I'm glad

I can be that someone.

Me too.

So you mind if I bum a ciggy?

You want a cigarette?
But you don't smoke.

Oh, sure.
As a cop,

it helps to have a smoke
every so often,

'cause I gotta tell you,
I see a lot of sick things every day.

You know, I once found
a foot in a mailbox.

Oh, my.

Oh yeah.
Luckily, we caught the guy

'cause there was
a return address.

It's a cop joke.

Here you are.

Ah...

Ah, great.
This will hit the spot.

Are you sure
you're okay now?

I'm fine.

Listen, l--

I'm sorry I lied
about me smoking.

But I have to tell you, I think
I got a little taste for it tonight,

and I just might pick it up.

Robert, I want
you to know...

I had a very nice time
talking with you.

Me too.

Okay.

Aw.

Good night.

'Night.

Hey.

Oh, sorry. I was just getting
a drink of milk.

What's that smell?

Nothing.

This is just a dream.

Were you smoking?

No. Shh.
Go back to sleep.

You're flying.

Will you-- will you stop
smelling me?!

Wait!

Hey!
Tell me the truth!

Do you smoke?!

Shh! People
are sleeping

and you're being
very inconsiderate.

What's going on
out here?

You see what you did?
You woke up an old lady.

- Robert was smoking.
- I wasn't. I wasn't!

- Smell him.
- Come here. Come here.

Oh my God!

Ow!

What are you doing?!

Somebody'd better be
dead or dying.

Smack him, Frank.

Ow!

Can I go back to bed now?

Do you know what
he's been doing? Smell him.

No, not there!
His shirt!

All right.
All right.

He's been smoking!

All right!

I did it just once, okay?
Just one time.

- Why?!
- All right. There was...

this new guy at work
who smokes, and he's--

and he's really popular,
and I just wanted to fit in.

But I didn't even like it.
It made me throw up.

No more lying.
You're a smoker!

Is everything all right?

Everything's horrible!
Robert smokes!

No!

Don't you know that smoking can
stunt your growth?

You know, I am not only
the vice principal

at Cooper Junior High School,
I am also the Health Ed teacher.

Good. Tell him
how bad smoking is.

When any faculty member
brings me a youngster

who they've
caught smoking,

do you know what
the first thing is that I ask them?

"Why don't you
just drink poison?"

Well, Mr. Barone, I'll
ask you the same thing:

Why don't you
just drink poison?

Do you have any?

Jokes. Funny business.
It's what I get from my 12-year-olds,

and I guess it's what I'll get
from you as well.

Can you believe
this, Mother?

Wait.

Robert...

I'm very disappointed in you.

Hey, Puff the Magic Dragon.

Where's everybody else, Robert?

They'll be over soon.
I just had to get out of there.

Mom hasn't hit me this hard
since I was 1 2

and she found me using her bra
as a slingshot.

- Yeah, what are you doing smoking?
- I don't know.

- It's so gross.
- Okay.

Do you think it makes you
look hip, the smoking?

No.

It probably looks like
Frankenstein blew a fuse.

I don't smoke, all right?

I did it one time and it was just so
I could get closer to--

Who? Closer to who?

No one.

Although she didn't exactly
stick up for me.

She? Who's "she"?
Marie?

- No.
- Amy?

- No.
- Not Pat.

Pat?

No!

Pat smokes?

I caught her outside
last night, okay?

But don't say anything.
Nobody knows.

Wait wait wait.
You were smoking with Pat,

and you got in trouble, and she
didn't say anything?

- Don't worry about it.
- Ohh.

Oh, you're not the smoker?
I had so many more names for you:

Smokey the Bear,
H.R. Pufnstuf,

Towering lnferno.

That's a good one.

Okay, birthday time.

Oh, great.
They're here.

Hey, Robert...

I didn't know
you were cool.

Hey, Pat.

Kind of crazy over
there today, huh?

Yes, but I think
it'll blow over soon

and then everything
will be fine.

Yeah, I guess.

It's too bad about Robert, though.
He's such a good guy.

Yeah, well, it's none
of our business, though,

so we should probably...
not talk.

I mean, he's just so sweet.

And I know he would do anything
to be closer to your family.

He told you
I smoke, didn't he?

What?

What? No. No!

You're a good actor.
You're...

so believable.

I don't blame Robert.

I put him in an awful position.

But Hank and the kids
can't find out I smoke.

I can't imagine
what Hank would do.

He has a jar at school
with a black lung in it.

You know, Pat, you have got to
stand up for yourself.

This is your life.
You need to tell Hank how you feel.

Or you could do whatever you want
in your own way,

in your own house.

- I know you're right, Debra.
- So you'll talk to him?

Oh, good gravy, no.

And I also worry
about offspring, Robert.

Did you know that addiction
can be an hereditary trait?

My grandchildren!

Yes, Marie.

And what kind of an example
do you think

you'll set for them, Robert?

Hopefully good

to very good--

- mostly in that range.
- Mm-hmm.

The truth is, Amy, none of this
surprises Mother and me.

Sadly, we've come
to expect this sort of thing.

He's a renegade cop.

He plays by his own rules.

Pshew!

You know, Robert,

we went to a great effort
to try to get closer to you,

but I can't see how that can happen
with you behaving this way.

Pat's the one
who smokes!

Great.
I've become you.

What exactly are you
saying, Raymond?

- Hank, Hank...
- Please, I'm defending your honor.

I won't allow you
to drag my family

into the muck
and mud anymore.

I smoke!

Mom?

Mama?

Don't be silly.

Robert found me
smoking last night,

and to be closer
to me-- to us--

he pretended
that he smoked,

which was very sweet

but a little misguided.

Oh, Robert.

So suddenly Pat's a hero.

How about if
I smoked the pot?

Would you be
closer to me then?

How long have
you smoked?

27 years.

Oh!

- I'm sorry, Hank.
- Smoking!

Smoking! It's like you never
listened to a word I said.

Oh Hank, I listen
to you all the time,

and it's hard,
because you're so...

overly certain
about everything.

You mean like
"Smoking is bad"?

Well, why don't you
just drink poison?

I have to tell you, Hank,

I don't like that
tone of voice.

And I'll tell you
something else:

I think you're
the reason I smoke.

Now, you know I love you
with all my heart, Hank,

but I think if I didn't have
my cigarettes,

I would have
to fight you.

My goodness,
that felt good to say.

Thank you, Debra.

"Thank you, Debra"?

You're welcome.

It's not just the smoking
that bothers me.

It's your deception. Every time
you've smoked, you've lied to me.

Robert, I apologize to you.

- Oh, Daddy, wait.
- Yeah, please.

Look, I know you're upset,

but I think what your wife did
is actually

pretty common
between married couples.

It wasn't lying,
it was more like

she was just
letting off steam,

so you don't let it out
on the person you love.

You know?
Like Ray--

he has to drive around the block
a few times every night

Iistening to the radio
before he goes home to face Debra.

Are you crazy?

I don't--

All right, save it, Ray.

You don't think I've seen
you circling the block,

all hunched over,
just a big nose

and a steering wheel
going around?

So you know and you don't
say anything?

No, I know and I get mad.
And that's why after you leave

I eat chocolate all day
until you get home.

That's a lot of sugar, Debra.

Is that in addition
to the drinking?

You know, I realize
that I'm not married,

but I do secret things too.

We believe you, Petey.
Eat your chips.

Like when I'm angry
at my cat Miss Puss,

sometimes I'll sneak up
behind her

and bark like a dog.

That's how I got this scar.

Pat!

I thought since it wasn't
a secret anymore...

Okay.

Dad, don't be so angry.

Everybody has their little ways

of coping in their relationship,

- even me.
- Of course.

What do you mean, you?

It's nothing.

Just--

you know how you always have to have
your toothbrush

in the holder always facing
to the right?

Yeah, east.

I know, east.

So sometimes--
I don't know why--

I turn it...

west.

That's you?

I like to blow up fireworks.

What are you saying, Hank?

That's right.

Do you think you're easy to live with
all the time, Pat--

so skittish and faint-hearted

and "Oh, my"?

Last year I caught a student
with fireworks

and they were still in my briefcase
when I got home.

You were on
the couch recuperating

from your trip
to the grocery store.

I wanted to tell you
to just get over it,

but instead, I took the fireworks
into the woods

and I blew them up.

And I liked it.

So I got more.

I had to drive
to West Virginia.

But it feels good
to be able to really

make some
gosh darn noise.

So when you go
on your nature walks--?

That's right.

I blow up nature.

Boom!

I'm sorry. I know
none of this is funny,

except that I can't believe
that you all have to resort

to this sort of behavior
to deal with your spouses.

You're all nuts.

You're laughing at us?
You two?

Hey, if I have
a problem with Marie,

I don't do anything
behind her back.

I just turn to her and say,

"Excuse me, darling,

put a sock in it."

And I do the same thing.
It's not healthy

to hold in all those
negative feelings.

And you two are healthy?

Do we smoke

or play with gunpowder

or bark at the cat?

- Who wants some lousy cake?
- Yeah.

Sounds good to me.
Why not?

I'll be right back
to light the candles.

Oh, I got it.

It must be out of fluid.

Here, I've got some matches.

You know, if that cake
really is lousy,

we could just blow it up.