Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 9, Episode 13 - Sister-In-Law - full transcript

Amy wants to feel closer to Ray. But Ray finds it annoying.

Aha.

- Hi, Ray.
- Oh, hey.

Oh, Deb's not here.
She's out with the kids,

so I'm just, you know,
trying to make the best of it.

Yeah.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I'm just gonna
watch the Knicks game,

you know, and uh,
nothing else.

Great. Yeah, Robert
called and told me

you guys were gonna watch the game
when he got home from work,

so I thought I'd wait
for him over here.



- Is that okay?
- Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah.

So when did Robert say
he was gonna come home?

In about an hour.

Are you excited about
Fondue Date Night?

What what what-what?

You guys are coming over
tomorrow night

for Amy's first annual
Fondue Night.

It's gonna be just
the three Barone couples--

Iike a triple date.

Hey...

hey, a date with
my parents.

I know you think it's corny,
but it'll be fun, really--

- Fondue Date Night.
- Yeah.

Yeah, fun.



You know what?
I'll talk to Robert about it

when he gets here
in 58 minutes.

Oh, may l?

- Oh. Oh, yeah.
- Thanks.

Oh, look, this one
looks like a heart.

I'll save that.

So from now on, that's where
I'm buying all my sweaters.

- Hey.
- Hey hey, there he is! There he is.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hello there.

- Missed you.
- Yeah, what's up?

We've been waiting
an hour and 11 minutes.

Amy, Ma wanted me
to remind you that you'll be

making the salad
for the dinner tonight.

Oh, I forgot.
I'd better go.

- Darn.
- Yeah, damn it.

See you later, Yogi.

And Ray, I'll see you at Fondue.

Okay, yeah.

She's such a cutie pie.

Yeah.

- Oh, it's the second half already?
- Yeah, man.

- You're missing some great basketball.
- Oh.

Yeah.

Actually, I kind of
missed some too.

I was-- me and Amy,
we had a nice long...

chat.

All right, that's really nice.

What did you guys talk about?

Oh, gosh, pretty much
everything, I think.

Yeah, Amy's great, huh?

Yeah, Amy's great.
She's great. Yeah.

She's kind of like
a little Lady Chatterley.

- Lady Chatterley?
- Yeah.

What do you mean?

Oh, you know,
like she always--

she always wants to know
how everybody is,

and she gets real excited
about Fondue Date Night.

And she told me about
this interesting salesgirl

that sold her a sweater
and-and-and whatever.

It's all good stuff.
It's all good.

Are you saying that
Amy talks too much?

No, Robert, I love Amy.

Wow, are you a liar.

You know,
I know what it is.

I got something good
and you can't stand it.

You never could.

Remember when
I made that diorama

- in Mr. Carolan's history class?
- What?

Everybody said how great it was--
everybody!

I won a prize, remember?

But you said it stunk.

You had George Washington
fighting a dinosaur.

It was a dragon, Raymond--

a dragon that represented

years of British tyranny!

Which just goes to show

how stupid you were
then and now.

- Robert, I didn't--
- Everybody thinks my wife is great--

everybody!

So you have to tell me that
she's a Lady Chatterbox

who won't shut up?

Oh, I know how it goes.

Jealous ass.

Come on--

Jeal-ass!

Yes!

Stop it. No.
Come on, don't go, Robert.

Stay. Come stay
and watch the game.

Come on. You wanna say
something bad about my wife, you can.

I don't care.

Come on.

Say it. Say it.

"She's a bad cook
and she's mean."

Hey. Hi.
One second, one second.

And you may
think that, Robert--

you'd be dead wrong.
Dead wrong.

Debra is a caring,
beautiful, skinny person.

So how's it going?

Look, I saved you this chip--
it looks like a heart.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

You've been quiet all night.
Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.
Everything okay with you?

Fine and dandy.

Ooh, did I show you
this sweater I got?

- It's nice.
- The salesgirl I bought it from,

Bridget, she was so sweet
and smart.

She's taking some time off of school
to make some money,

but I really hope she finishes,
because she's really great--

And then you bought
the sweater. Got it.

I'm sorry.

Actually, you know,
I kind of did have a bad day.

Oh? What happened?

Oh, nothing.
It's just like every other day,

dealing with
the scum of the earth.

Well, at least
you get tomorrow off.

And then hey--
Fondue Date Night.

That'll be "fun"--

"do."

Yeah, you know,
I was thinking,

maybe Fondue Date Night is not
such a good idea right now.

Really? Everybody else
is excited about it-- even Ray.

Amy, why do you
even bother with him?

I know he doesn't
like to open up,

but little by little,

I think I'm
cracking his shell.

And you know what?

There's a
sweet person inside.

Oh, listen...

I know you and Raymond
have had your problems--

He said you talk too much.

What?

He called you
Lady Blabbermouth.

He did?

Look, Amy, I'm sorry.

I've known Raymond
for a long time, and...

do you know
what a jeal-ass is?

Now that I think about it,

while we were talking
this afternoon,

he did excuse himself
to go to the bathroom

Iike, five times.

I thought he had
a tummy problem.

It's not his tummy.

He has no soul.

So he just wanted me
to go away?

That is kind of...

jerky.

I love you so much.

But hey, you know,
this is good--

tomorrow night,
more cheese for us.

No no, everybody's
coming.

I'm just not gonna let
Ray's opinion affect me.

Okay, good good.

Hey, you know what?

Don't even talk to him.

In fact, just stay
quiet all night.

You won't even give him a chance
to think that way about you.

Huh?

Robert...

when I was just telling you
my sweater story,

and you told me to--

was that because you
think I talk too much?

No no.

That's because Raymond
brought it up.

And I didn't want him
to think that he was right

'cause you know,
like you said, "jerky."

And I love this new sweater.
It's a great sweater.

Great story about
the sweater.

I'm stealing that story.

Okay, w-w-wait,
Amy, Amy. Wait.

Amy.

The one time
I get a word in...

Okay, we have two
different kinds of cheeses,

and the chocolate
is for all the fruit.

Move it, lady, I'm going in.

Hello.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Oh, Amy, everything
smells great.

That's what I said.

Marie, here is the garlic toast
I made for dipping.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, man.

Listen, again, about before--

I'm sorry.

Oh, you don't have
to apologize to me.

Ray, can I talk to you
for a second?

'Sup, sis?

Listen, Ray,
Robert told me

about what happened
yesterday,

and I just want to let you know
that you're right.

I should have realized
you're just a guy,

and guys just wanna
relax and watch TV.

And I should have
left you alone.

Amy, will you marry me?

- Listen, Amy--
- Oh, no no, Ray.

I don't want things
to be weird between us,

so I'm sorry.

Oh, well...

me too.

Great.
Let's sit and eat.

Okay, all right.

I don't mind
if I "fun-do."

I got a cheese one.

Wait a minute!

- That's it?
- It's fine, Robert.

Let me get this straight:

Raymond insults you,
but you get mad at me

and then you apologize
to him?

What, are you taking
lessons from my mom...

who I love?

What's going on?

I'll tell you
what's going on.

Yesterday poor Raymond had
to watch a basketball game

while Amy dared
to sit next to him.

And then the minute
she leaves, he tells me

that she had the nerve
to talk to him

about things
that didn't interest him.

Called her
Boxy Chatterhead.

- Ray.
- Raymond.

Why would you call Amy
a boxy chatterhead?

It's Lady Chatterley.
It's from a book.

Oh, it's okay.

To be fair,
Ray is a sportswriter.

It's kind of like I was
bothering him at work.

Oh Amy, no.

Ray doesn't work.
Ray, apologize to Amy right now.

Excuse me, this is
between me and Amy,

and we're fine with it.

Amy, kudos on the fondue.

This is not
between you and Amy.

What, are you kidding me?

- You never listen, ever.
- Never ever.

Oh, don't try to
lay it all on Ray, Robert.

Last night
you made it very clear

that you think
I talk too much.

Oh, dude.

You're the one who should be
in trouble.

Yeah, Ray.

You know,
you wouldn't think it,

but this chocolate and
salami is a great combo.

All right, let's all just relax.

I think we're making
too big of a deal of this.

No, Amy, I have been
putting up with this for 15 years.

I am not gonna let him
do this to you too.

You know, when I need
to talk to Ray

about my feelings
or our children,

I know I have until
the commercial's over--

that gives me 30 seconds.

And if there's a girl
in the commercial,

or a truck with big wheels,

or God forbid,
a monkey, forget it.

Come on,
that's not true.

Look, Ray, we're not
asking for that much.

It's just talking
and listening-- watch.

- Hello, Robert.
- Oh, hello there, Debra.

- How's it going?
- Not so good.

I've got a brother who lacks
even rudimentary social skills.

- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Well, thanks for asking.

And by the way,
those are lovely earrings.

- See?
- Yeah.

Oh, that was very good.

Raymond, do it with me now.

- Hello, Raymond.
- Hello, Mother.

Oh, look, Mom,
a bear in pants.

Yes, your brother
is quite hairy.

No, Ma, he's not
doing it right.

Yes, he is, Ma.
He's also ugly.

He should really wear
a welder's mask.

Why don't I weld
your mouth to your ass

and make a doughnut
out of you?!

- You don't know how to weld.
- I'm a damn fine welder.

You stink at everything.

Bring it on!

This is nothing
to fight about.

Ray, just
apologize to Amy.

No, it's okay.

We already talked about it.

And now it just seems like
everybody's using it

- as an excuse to attack him.
- Yeah yeah, that's right.

These jackals, they pounce
as soon as they smell blood.

They love it
when I'm miserable.

For all I know, you guys
have been sending her in

every day on purpose
just to annoy me.

Amy. Oh.

Even I know you gotta
go in there.

Hey.

Wh-what are you doing?

Just having some cookies.

Listen, I didn't mean what
I said in there, really.

I was just-- you know,
I'm mad at those guys,

and I'm sorry.

It's okay. I'm fine.

Listen, you definitely have
a right to be mad at me.

Oh, I do?

I do? Well, thank you
very much, Ray.

You're welcome.

Let me tell you
something, mister:

you are
a frustrating person!

All this time, I've been
trying to talk to you,

and it's like I'm banging
my head against the wall.

I keep thinking,
"What's wrong with me?

Why can't l
get through to him?"

And now I realize that
maybe it's not my fault.

Maybe it's just that
you're boring.

You know, Debra says
you're like this

because you
don't want to talk.

But I think maybe it's because
you've got nothing to say.

I do too have
stuff to say.

Oh, yeah? Go ahead.

- What do you mean?
- Come on, talk.

Come on, talk.
Right now.

And I want something more than
hot dogs and football kicking.

Oh, interesting conversation.

What else do you have to say,
Mr. Fascinating?

This is a lot of pressure!

That's what I thought.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.
I was just lashing out.

Oh, I stink at this.
I was just trying to hurt your feelings.

Good job.

- You want a tissue?
- I'm not crying.

Look, Ray...

I know I try too hard,

talking about
emotions and stuff.

It's just that

I wanna be close
to everyone in this family.

Why?

Because I love you guys.

But I mean,
for gosh sakes,

I know Frank
better than I know you--

all his sights
and sounds and smells.

At least I know
he's comfortable with me.

I feel closer to him now.

Yeah, don't get too close.

We lost a canary once.

You're always so funny.

You know what?

It's taken some time,

but even Robert has
started opening up to me.

Like, he finally told me

why he sleeps with
a tennis racket under his bed.

He still does that?

For the burglars.

That's what
he told you it's for?

No no no, that's--

that's his ghost swatter.

- What?
- Yes yes.

Ever since we were kids,
he would-- listen to this.

One time,
he was about 1 2,

and he thought he heard
something in the attic.

And so of course
I'm making fun of him.

So to prove
that he's not scared,

he went up there
with his "ghost swatter."

So I took a broom and I went,
"Boom boom boom."

And all of a sudden,
two giant legs

come crashing through
the ceiling-- boom!

Just his legs?

Yeah, well, he fell
on a beam-- "Aah."

And it's just two giant legs
just sticking out,

and they were still
trying to run-- "Aah."

Was he injured?

Well, you tell me.

Oh, Ray.

Amy, is everything okay?

Yeah, everything's
fine, Robert.

Amy and l,
we were just talking.

- Yeah, we were.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, great.
Well, that's very nice.

Yeah yeah yeah.

Oh please, by all means,
don't let me interrupt.

Why aren't you talking?

- What were you talking about?
- Nothing. Shut up.

What were you
talking about, Amy?

Fondue Date Night.

Was this about me?
What did you tell him?

You told him stuff about me.
What did you say?

Nothing, Robert.

He got stuff out of you.
I know him.

Robert, we were just--

Come on, Amy,
we should get in there.

Dad's probably got the fondue pot
on his head like Winnie the Pooh.

Yeah, come on, Robert.
I'm hungry.

Wait wait wait.
Don't lie to me.

Is this about how I eat my foods
in alphabetical order?

Because I have a very good reason
for that.

- I didn't know you do that.
- I don't!

Amy, I don't want you
talking to him.

Did you tell him
about my pedicures?

No, Robert.

Robert paints
his feet like a lady.

Holy crap.

This commercial's funny.

Ray, watch.
Watch what the cat does.

He high-fives the dog--
that's funny.

Those two don't
usually get along.

Why don't you just
sleep with him already?!

I've been sitting here
all night too, you know.

Oh, look, this one's
got a monkey in it.