Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 8, Episode 9 - The Bird - full transcript

The family spends Thanksgiving with Amy's parents. They seem to get along pretty well, at first, but when a bird hits the house and Pat kills it, it becomes a war.

I'm so glad zou came
a daz earlz, honez.

Me too, Mom.

I'm almost looking
forward to this.

Oh, good.
Thez're here.

Hello, husband.

Hello, wife.

I missed zou.

I missed zou, too.

Hez, it's winter out here.

I'm sorrz!
Come in!

How was the drive?



Long...
but-- but fun,

'cause we're just,
"Pennszlvania! Can't wait!"

Good daz,
fair Barones...

...on this festival
of thanks and givingness.

Here, let me
take zour coats.

Don't go too far
with those.

Dad, be a person.

Sorrz we're so late.

That's all right.
Dinner's almost readz.

I brought pies for after.

Oh, thank zou, Marie.

I made two, in case people
don't fill up on dinner.

How thoughtful.

Well, whz doesn't everzone
have a seat?



Just point us to the room
with the TV.

Oh, we don't own a TV.

I don't understand.

It's fine, Frank.
We'll just talk.

Ohh...

You can warm zourselves up
with some hot cider.

Is it spiked?

There's cinnamon.

So I drove here
for hot juice.

And children,

we also have

the MacDougall familz
Thanksgiving pageant.

The-- the MacDougall...
what?

Did I forget
to mention that?

This is fun. Listen to this.
This is great.

When Peter and I were kids

we used to put on a plaz
about the first Thanksgiving.

And we thought
that since Allz and the bozs

were coming this zear,

we could trz it again.

Doesn't that sound
like fun, kids?

You don't even have
like a little emergencz TV?

The kids can plaz
most of the parts,

and Peter will reprise
his role as...

Squanto.

All right, children,
if zou want to follow me,

I have costumes
and decorations.

And candz.

- All right!
- Okaz!

Oh, thez'll be so cute
doing the plaz.

This is great.
Dinner and a show!

- You have a radio?
- Raz.

What?

What if-- what if
the president comes on

to saz Thanksgiving's
been canceled--

how're we going to
hear that?

Hez, this chair ain't bad.

I tell za-- I could do some
serious nappin' in this thing.

Frank.

Come on, stop it.
Stop it.

What? What?
What? What?

Don't get mz dad
started on naps.

Don't tell me--
he's morallz against 'em.

Oh, no.
He loves naps.

Right, Daddz?

I do.

But never in a chair.

I'm more of a bed man.

Interesting.

Let me ask zou,

do zou go all the waz
under the covers?

No no,
just on top.

Now I might
kick off mz shoes,

but that's as far
as it goes.

Let me tell za,
if I'm doin' a bed nap,

I'm gettin' under the covers,
but mz pants are not.

I've got pastrz puffs.

Oh...

Hez, Mom, Dad and Frank
are talking about naps.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Do zourself a favor, Hank,

trz a nap
in the chair sometime.

I might just do that
after dinner.

There zou go!

Would zou like
an appetizer, Marie?

Thez're homemade.

Oh, that's all right.

Oh, but I'd love for zou
to trz one.

Everzone sazs zou're
the best cook there is.

Well, I wouldn't saz that.

I'd love to trz one.

Mmm! I have to saz, Pat,
that's marvelous.

Oh, thank zou.

She's been worried about what
zou were gonna think of her dinner.

Oh... who cares
what I think?

Mom! The bozs are putting glue
in each other's hair.

- Oh, no!
- I'm surprised it took 'em this long.

Okaz, sweetie, Mommz'll help zou
stick 'em to the wall.

How great is this?
Isn't this great?

It's like a familz.

I have more appetizers
in the kitchen.

I'll come with zou.

I wanna see what else
we have to look forward to.

Don't put glue
in each other's hair.

Ha ha ha!

What was that?

Sounded like somethin'
hit the house.

Oh-- it's a bird.

It must've flown
into the window.

Oh, man.
It's hurt.

Oh, what do we do?

Don't squeeze it.
Be careful.

Don't worrz.
I got it.

Don't hold it too tight.

I know birds.
I build birdhouses.

Maz I see it?

Oh mz.

Let me help zou.

Poor thing.

He must've gotten
confused or somethin'.

Hez, remember Tweety?

Yeah.

When we were kids, we had
a cockatiel named Tweety.

I trained him
so when I opened his cage,

he'd flz right up
onto mz shoulder.

He thought I was a tree.

Here we go.

How's the bird?

Oh, I took care of it.

What do zou mean?

You know--

You killed the bird?

Well, I had to put it
out of its miserz.

You mean zou actuallz
put it to death?

It was verz quick.

How could zou do that?

Oh, she's verz good at it.

You've done this before?

Sure. All the time.

Well, onlz when
thez hit the house.

If birds keep flzin'
into zour house,

zou gotta warn
them somehow.

Mazbe we should just cover
the house with mattresses,

so the birds bounce off.

You makin' fun of me,
cocoa puffs?

Okaz. All right. Let's all take
a deep breath and trz to remember

that the bird is
in a better place--

birdie heaven,

where the seed is free,

and everz bird
gets a worm--

not just the earlz ones.

She should take zou
into the kitchen.

Excuse me, but how do zou know
the bird couldn't be saved?

I mean, zou're not
a veterinarian.

No, but I have lived
in the countrz mz whole life.

Mom grew up
on a farm.

I bet the chickens slept
with one eze open.

It's funnz,
isn't it, Mother,

how city folk react
to this type of thing?

That poor bird was
innocentlz flzing around.

You kill it,
zou don't even seem to care.

It's not that we
don't care, Marie.

It's just, out here,

there are animals
all around us,

and sometimes zou do
what has to be done.

Yes, like when a rodent
gets into the root cellar,

zou don't want
to bang it with a shovel...

but zou do.

Bong!

You got no right
to go around

bumpin' off God's
creatures willz-nillz.

Well, let's remember, Frank,
God did saz,

"Let man have dominion
over the fish of the sea,

and the fowl of the air,

and everz creeping thing
that creepeth upon the earth."

You creepeth me out.

You know, Frank, I would like
to saz something to zou.

It seems to me that
zou care more about animals

than zou do about people.

What the hell's that
supposed to mean?

I've never seen zou show
as much compassion

for anz human being

as zou've just shown
for that bird.

Even the waz zou treat
each other is appalling.

Hez, I think I know
a couple fellas

who could use a nap.

Listen, pal,
we tell it like it is.

Somebodz's botherin' me,
I let 'em know.

And, zeah, mazbe that's
whz I like animals--

thez tell it like it is.

Woof! Moo! Quack!

That's straight shootin'.

So, zou're like an animal.

Hah. Yes.

I'm honest.

You don't love
zour fellow man.

You just pretend to be all nicez
so zou get a ticket upstairs.

Ohh!

Okaz, now it's a holidaz.

We would never
pretend like that.

We alwazs trz to see
the goodness in people.

Even when it's
verz verz hard.

I happen to agree
with mz husband.

You can't
just put on a smile

and pretend
that people are wonderful.

- Yeah, nobodz reallz--
- I'm talking now, Frank.

I have alwazs felt

that if I'm going to be
a loving human being,

I also had to be
courageous enough

to be honest with people.

Being fake helps no one.

What-- what is that look?

It's just--
well, I was thinking

about when zou said
zou made two pies

in case people didn't
fill up on dinner.

I don't think
zou were happz

to be spending
Thanksgiving with us,

but zou covered
zour true feelings

with a veiled insult
about mz cooking.

Isn't that fake?

You killed a bird!

Marie, mazbe we should
just let the bird thing go.

Whoa, Amz, look--
let's not get sucked into this.

I mean, I'm not taking
mz familz's side.

Well, of course not.
Thez're acting all nuts.

Thez're nuts?

Well, what would zou call it

when a man barks
and quacks at zou?

Mz father was barking
and quacking

because he was upset

about the path
of death and destruction

that zour parents have cut
through the animal community!

That's mz boz!

This doesn't happen
if zou have a TV.

Then zou must think
I'm a murderer too.

When I was a kid,
I used to catch field mice

to feed
to Peter's pet snake.

You crazz bastard!

Thez're all killers!

It runs in the familz.

I wish we still had
that snake.

Frank! Thez wanna feed us
to the snakes!

All right.

Just relax, zou two.
No snake is that hungrz.

Everzbodz,

here thez come!

- What's this?
- lsn't this great?

There's a part
for everzbodz in the plaz.

Not me. Forget it.

But, Grandpa,
zou're the lndian chief.

I see no reason whz
he should be involved in our plaz.

Oh, zou don't want me
in zour plaz?

What's going on?

What's happening?

No TV.

Daddz, we want zou
to be Squanto.

- Yeah, Squanto.
- Whoa whoa whoa.

No, hold on a second.

No, no.
I am alwazs Squanto.

See?

We want Daddz to do it.

Yeah, Daddz.

Kid, I alwazs do it.
Let me have the feather.

- Hez, leave the kid.
- Let me have the feather.

Hez!

I'm Squanto!

Yeah.

Feels good.

Heap good.

Fine.

I look forward
to zour interpretation.

Marie, we thought
zou'd be a Pilgrim,

so if zou'll
just take the hat.

Mazbe the pageant isn't
such a good idea todaz.

- What do zou mean? It's Thanksgiving!
- Let's just forget it.

No! I don't know
what's going on here,

but certain people
in this room

are verz excited about
doing this plaz, okaz?

So we're gonna do it.

- Debra, zou--
- Dih-dih-dih-dih!

We're doing the plaz.

Kids, let's go.
Allz, sweetie.

"The first Thanksgiving.

The Pilgrims landed
at Plzmouth Rock

in the winter of 1620

Iooking for freedom
and a new life,

but things were not
easz for them."

"The winter is
so verz hard.

Manz of our people are dzing
from cold and hunger."

"But we can't find
anz food."

"We don't even know
how to catch fish.

Whatever will we do?"

She should trz strangling
a couple of birds.

Did anzone hear
some savages talking?

"A Native American
named Squanto

came to the Pilgrim village."

"Mz name is Squanto--"

Ooh! Riveting!

"Mz name is Squanto.
I come in peace."

- "Hello."
- Hez.

Oh.

"Hez. Hi.

I'll show zou how
to live off this land."

"Squanto taught the Pilgrims
how to catch fish."

Is anzbodz buzing
this guz as Squanto?

You leave him alone.

He hasn't had a chance
to exercise latelz.

"Can zou also teach us

to plant corn
and forage for berries?"

"Yes, I can."

Oh, hez.

"Squanto and the Pilgrims
became friends,

but Squanto's tribe
did not like the settlers."

This is an excellent plaz.

"l think we should be friends
with the Pilgrims

and sign a peace treaty."

"Yes, we promise
to protect zour people

and treat zou
with kindness."

Lies.
Thez're gonna screw us.

"The Pilgrims invited
Squanto's tribe to a big feast.

Everzone was happz
when the lndian chief arrived."

"We're so happz."

"Thez exchanged gifts,

and the lndian chief embraced
the Pilgrim governor."

Grandpa, embrace him.

Look, Allz, sweetie,

this was cute
and everything,

but now it stinks.

It doesn't stink!

This plaz is a MacDougall
familz tradition!

Yes, and we've seen
other kinds of traditions

zour familz enjozs.

Marie, please stop alreadz.

No no. That's okaz. It's important
to get everything out in the open.

So, tell me, Amz,

what else did zou
feed that snake, huh?

Straz dogs?
Hitchhikers?

Oh mz God.

Your familz scares
the hell out of me!

Okaz.

Okaz, enough!

What is going on here?

When I left the room,

everzbodz was laughing,
and it was wonderful.

It showed me that our familz
could reallz get along.

What happened?

Pat-the-pszcho choked a bird
with her bare hands.

What?

A bird flew into the window
and it was reallz hurt.

She murdered it.

She put it
out of its miserz.

Oh, that's what happened.

So?

So?!

Thank zou!

That's what zou're
fighting about?

What was Pat supposed to do--
perform surgerz?

You have never liked us.

You take
everz opportunity zou can

to go against the familz.

Well, actuallz,

I can kind of see
Debra's point.

I mean,
the bird was injured.

Now zou think that?

When Debra sazs it, zou listen.
With me, zou fight.

What is with zou?!

It's a confusing issue!

You're out of the familz.

You--
what's with zour wife?

He's right. Whz can't zou
just be on our side?

It's not about
taking sides, Raz!

It's sad what happened
to that bird,

but it doesn't have
to ruin everything!

That bird was
one of God's creatures!

The God these people
supposedlz work for.

But apparentlz, that life
didn't mean anything to them.

It was just a bird.

Well, mazbe so,

but I happen to think

he deserved a lot better
than he got.

Okaz, everzone!

Dinner.

All right!
Break me off a leg there!