Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 8, Episode 5 - The Contractor - full transcript

Come on!

Listen, you beat me

by a few strokes, okay?

That's only 'cause
my back was acting up.

Your back.
You know why that is?

'Cause your nose
throws you off balance.

Ray, look at this.

Why do you tell your father
when things are broken?

All he does is come over,

bang on the thing, and then curse.

That's-that's old-man aerobics.



He said he'd fix this stupid thing,

and now I can't even get it to light.

And it's leaking gas.

You want me
to check it out, Deb?

No no. I'll look at it.

Or you could let
a professional contractor

who's not a moron look at it.

- I don't want to put you to work.
- Don't worry about it.

Man, this thing is old!

Hey, easy.

he's standing right there.

Yeah.

See what I did?
I took what he said--

We need a new stove, Ray.



No, look,
if my father said he fixed it,

he fixed it, right?

Come on.

Okay! See?

This is good
'cause you can make soup or...

or go hot-air ballooning.

All right!

All right, look,

can you get us a replacement?

For this? Yeah.

Jump in a time machine
and buy one off a Pilgrim.

Gianni, while we're at it,
I was thinking...

I wanted to put
a microwave up here.

Wait wait wait.
We've got a microwave.

That makes sense, Deb.

You'd get some counter space.

That's what I was thinking.

It'll be a little more expensive--

Hey! Shut up.

Don't worry. Whatever you do,
I'll get you the equipment at cost.

If you want,
I'll do the job myself.

Oh, let's do it!

Wait a minute.

My father is going to
go nuts here.

He likes to fix things.

I mean... what am l
going to tell him?

Gianni, while you're
out getting a stove,

could you pick up
a spine for my husband?

Why don't I just
get you a new husband?

'Cause I know
this one's leaking gas.

Hi, dears.

- Hi.
- Oh, hey.

Hi, Mrs. B, Mr. B.

Oh hi.

Hi there, Gianni.

What you doin'?

I'm just...

Ray, you didn't tell him?

Tell me what?

What's Gianni doing
with the stove?

Just tell him, Ray.

I don't understand.

Wh-what's going on?

It is weird. What are you
moving the stove around for?

You want me to go?

No no. Look, it's no biggie.

We're getting
a new stove,

and Gianni's helping us put it in.

What?

It's... it's no biggie.

It's-- you know,

it's-- the stove is--

Iately, this one has been...

trying to kill us.

I told you I still had to tweak it!

I know, but it has
a lot of problems, Frank.

I mean, most of the time,
I can barely use it.

Oh, dear.

Can we really blame the stove?

Whoa whoa.

This bill's going to cost two grand?

What kind of screw job is this?

Oh, Frank...
Gianni's a good boy.

He wouldn't give us a screw job.

Thanks, Mrs. B.

And it's going to be
closer to 1,500.

Nuts!

I can get this thing back
in shape in five minutes,

and all it'll cost you is lunch.

Chicken croquettes I like.

Frank, if you want
to fix something,

why don't you
go fix our garage door

that I've been telling you
about for six years?

I will not do that on principle.

It would only prove
nagging works.

Fine.

Gianni, when you finish here,

can you come look
at our garage door?

You stay away from that.

I put 10 years
of sweat into this house,

and this is my thanks?

You hire some outside yahoo
when I'm not looking?

Dad, come on.

Excuse me.
I may be a yahoo,

but I'm a licensed
and bonded yahoo.

And I'm not some hardware store
groupie like a lot of people.

Are you calling me
"a lot of people"?

Dad, oh-- Dad.

Calm it-- calm it down, Dad.

What, you let him
talk to me like that?!

I'm the grandpa
of your freakin' children!

We know, we know!
Come on, look,

there's a lot of other stuff
to fix around here, huh?

Here. Look at this
loose knob here, huh?

Wow, is that loose.

Get in there, man!

Aw, come on, Dad.

No no.

Gianni's your fix-it guy now.

Call him dad.

That's not such a terrible offer.

- Hey.
- Hey, numchuks.

- What's up? My father come by at all?
- Not yet.

Four whole days,
and he's still mad at us?

Yup.

Can't be doing
my mother any good.

Oh, by the way,
you know how you told me

that Amy also wants
some kitchen-renovation crap?

- Yeah.
- So I recommended Gianni to her.

- But--
- I know, I know.

Robert's going to get
all weirded out

because Amy and Gianni
dated once or twice,

but... he's got to get over it.

He's such a dope.

You know...

I'm not sure that...

that's the only reason
I wouldn't exactly...

recommend Gianni.

- What?
- Well...

there's certain things
that Gianni kind of--

I hate him.

What are you talking about?

Not as a person, but...

as a person in my house.

What are you saying?

He's not doing a good job?

I'm saying he stinks.

Like he smells?

No, he stinks at his job.

And by the way,
he does smell a little.

Well, that's a manly smell

you get from working
with your body.

Okay? What do you want,

a contractor that smells
like a cinnamon bun?

You know, Gianni
should be done by now,

and he's not because he's lazy.

I mean, half the time,
he's on his phone,

and he brings his own little TV,
and it plays all day.

Look at-- you see
that scuff mark on the floor?

He dragged the stove out

while he was watching
"The Price is Right."

All right. So I'm sure
if you told him

that you don't like
that game show--

It's not about the show, Ray!

It's been four days,

and he said he would
have it done in two, tops.

Okay, so?
So it's two extra days.

Yeah, so I can't use my kitchen

because I have no stove!

Well, okay, but...

it's not like Van Gogh
lost his paintbrush.

I didn't mean it like that!

I just-- hey.

By the way, you're the one
who picked Gianni.

Yes, I picked him,
and I made a mistake.

It won't be the first time
I picked the wrong guy.

Come on! He's doing this
as a favor, and--

Ray, it's not a favor
if you're paying the person.

Look, if he's not
done by tomorrow,

I'm unpicking him.

What are you talking about?
We can't fire him.

- No, you're firing him.
- What?!

Yeah, 'cause he's your friend.

That's right!
So we can't fire him.

We have to.

We have to let him go.

Okay, so if it's "we,"

then you need my say-so, okay?

You need my say-so if it's "we."

My say-so!

I don't need your say-so.

Yes, you do so!

You do so need my say-so!

Let him go.

Maybe I'll let somebody else go.

What?

I said maybe nothing!

- Hey, Deb.
- Hey, Gianni.

Hey hey!

Hey hey hey!

Hey, man, what's up?

Yeah. How's it goin'?

I'm good.

What's your problem?

No problem, no.

Quite the opposite.
Just psyched, man.

Get to hang out while
you work and Debra stays in there.

Okay.

Listen, good news.

- What?
- It's here.

Oh. Oh!

Wow, look at this!

There you go!

Yeah, that is a beauty!

- I love that.
- It's here.

I ended up ordering
through a different guy,

so it took a little longer.

But you saved some green.

Oh. Took a little longer...

but saved some green.

What do you think, Debra?
You like it?

It's great, Gianni. Thanks.

I can't believe today's the day
I actually get to use it.

Yeah. This is great, man.

So, what do you say?
Let's hook this bad boy up.

Yeah. Hey, you hungry?

'Cause I can go
for a sandwich.

Yeah. Me too, me too.

You know what might be
a better idea?

Maybe to put the stove in first.

You know, 'cause I'm just

so damn excited to get
this bad boy hooked up.

So why don't we just put this in?

And then I'll make you a steak,

a nice, hot stove steak.

Stove steak?

Yeah. What, you don't believe me?

You put the stove in,
and I'll show you.

Put the stove in.

All right!

Sit down.

All right, here we go.

Okay.

What?

You've got a little space problem.

What do you mean?
You measured it, right?

Yeah. It's just a little too tight.

I'm going to have to
order new cabinets.

Probably get them here
sometime next week.

Next week?!

Wait wait wait!
I'm sure it'll fit.

Maybe we've just got to
wiggle it a little.

Grab that side,
we'll wiggle it.

Ray, you can't wiggle--

Let's just try! Grab that side.

Look, I said I'll take care
of it next week.

There's not going to be--

No no no.

This is going to fit in.

You've just got to--

you've got to... get it... here.

Agh!

Oh my God!
You hurt your back!

Let me see.

Ow ow ow ow!

How are you feeling?

Doctor said I've got to just
stay in bed a couple days.

Good. We're really going to
clean up on this lawsuit.

Dad, I told you,

it's not Gianni's fault.

Hey, we're going to
win this case.

I want a Camaro.

Hush up.

Sweetie,

you should know by now

you're not a man
who can lift things.

Hi!

Hi.

Hi, Ray.

We just wanted to
stop by and say hi.

- And some other things.
- Robert.

What were you thinking
when you recommended Gianni?

He ripped out our sink
and hasn't come back.

I'm washing plates
in the bathtub.

Good, 'cause now you know
what a bathtub looks like.

Ow ow ow!

Ow... it hurts when I laugh.

Oh, really?

Hurts when you laugh, huh?

What are you doin'?

Seriously, man.

Stop it.

Don't make me laugh.

Who's making anybody laugh?

I mean it.

Just stop it!

Stop it!

Ow!

I'm not doing anything.

Ow!

Get your face away
from your brother!

Ow!

That's for recommending Gianni!

Hey, lunkhead,

it's your fault for hiring that clown
when you already got me!

I thought he was a professional.

He stinks!

Look at my little crippled boy!

Dad!

He's pathetic. Look at him!

That Gianni's a butcher!

I'm getting me a Camaro!

What's worse,
Ray knew Gianni stinks,

but he chose to keep it a secret
because they're friends.

Gianni doesn't stink.

No? Hmm, that's interesting

because I think the very definition

of a person who starts a job

and doesn't finish it

is stink... y.

Stinky.

I know you're upset with Gianni--

Do you still have a thing for him?

Is that what you're saying?

No!

Robert, we only went out
for two weeks!

Oh, so now it's two weeks?

Hey. How's the world's
strongest moron?

I'm sorry, I didn't know
you were having a viewing.

Hello, Gianni.

Hi, Gianni.

We were just going.

Hope you feel better, Ray.

Robert, good news.
I spoke to the sink people.

They said even though
it's on back order,

you should have it
by the end of the month.

- End of the month?!
- Come on, Robert.

I just want to talk to him!

No, Robert!

Because he's your boyfriend!

Come on, Frank.

Raymond needs to rest.

And, Gianni,
don't stay too long.

You got it, Mrs. B.

Hey, Mr. B.

See you in court.

Is he still mad about
me doing the kitchen?

Oh... he's still mad society
makes him wear pants.

Anyway, I just came up
to tell you I'm all done.

I fixed up the old stove
and put it back in like Debra asked.

Oh, thanks.

All right, listen,
I'm gonna go.

Here's this.
I'll let you rest.

Get to it whenever you can.

$2,000?

Yeah, it's a little more than I said

just 'cause of all the extra work.

Extra work?

Yeah, taking the new stove back,
putting the old one in

'cause your wife
changed her mind.

By the way, I see
what you mean about her.

What?

It's just like you say--

I'm trying to work,
she interrupts every five minutes

to tell me
to turn down my TV.

Listen...

Originally, wasn't
this gonna be $1,500

and that included a new stove?

Well, yeah.

But, like I said,
your wife changed her mind.

I know.

But that's 'cause
the stove didn't fit.

I know.

But I was gonna
take care of it.

I know.

But you said
you couldn't get to it

till next week.

I know, but...

so what?

So... we shouldn't
have to pay for something

that wouldn't have happened

if you had measured
the cabinets right in the first place,

- instead of--
- Wait a minute.

You think this is my fault?

It is your fault,

and I'm not paying for this bill.

Uh yeah, you are.

You're charging me 2,000 bucks,

and I got the same exact kitchen
that I had before!

This bill is for my time.

I was here six days.

Six days watching
"Come on dow--"

ow!

Six days having to deal
with your whole family.

Hey, don't you say anything
about my family.

My family is totally great!

You wouldn't pull this with someone
who wasn't your friend.

That's right, you're my friend.

You're not supposed
to screw me-- ow!

Screw you?

You're lucky
your ass is in a sling--

Or what?
You'd start a fight with me

and then not finish the job?

You know what's incredible?

I gave you a break.

'Cause that bill should be 3,000!

Yeah? Well...

you know how much it is now?

That's it.

Don't ever call me
to do anything.

Work, golf, nothin'!

Good, fine! Fine.

Debra's right, you do smell!

What do you mean I smell?

You do nothing,

and yet, somehow
you work up a smell.

What?!

Hi, Gianni.

Don't worry.

You don't have to
smell me anymore.

We still smell you,

we still smell you,
we can still smell you.

I still smell you.

Why did you tell him
I said that?

Because it's true.

Look at that bill.

What?!

That's right-- what.

I knew it.

When he pulled out
that little TV,

and I started hearing
"The Price is Right" song

and him guessing prices,
and always over...

This just shows us:

You should never hire a friend.

Yeah well, don't worry.

He's not my friend anymore.

Oh...

Easy easy.

Ea-- agh.

I'm sorry, Ray.

Mm.

No, I mean, it's just...

Iook, whatever.

- Aw.
- Ah.

- Mm.
- Mm.

I'm sure you'll
work it out with him.

Yeah, we'll see.

I'm still your friend.

You're a girl.

You know, I guess, uh...

I'm gonna be out
of commission for a while.

Don't worry.

It's not like Van Gogh
lost his paintbrush.

Hey.

Hey.

Listen...

I just wanted to stop by
'cause, uh... I...

Look... uh, it's okay.

No, 'cause I r--

No, you don't gotta--

- Yeah, but l--
- Just forget about it.

- Okay, but I really--
- I know. Shut up.

Game's on.

Cool.

Any score, big nose?

Not yet...

ass nose.

That's right.

Hey, by the way,

about the bill--

Don't worry about it.

No no. I'm gonna pay it.

Hey, don't worry about it.

- Well, what about your time?
- It's fine.

I'm making it up
on a couple other jobs.

- Ray, I wanna talk to you.
- Gotta go!

You're next!