Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 8, Episode 21 - The Model - full transcript

A modeling agent spots Robert and signs him up for a career. The family is really excited for him. But when he and Ray go to get his pictures from his first shoot, they find out that it was...

Okay. Here it is,
nice and hot.

You're gonna wish you ordered
more egg rolls, Raymond.

- Why?
- 'Cause I ate 'em in the car.

Sorry we took so long,

but listen to this:

While we were waiting
for our order in the bar,

Robert got discovered!

What do you mean?

Discovered as in,
"Hey, I found Bigfoot"?

No, really!

This modeling agent
came over to us



and said Robert
had an interesting look.

He said he should come in
for a meeting.

Here's his card.

Robert, this is terrific.
You should call him.

Aw, come on.
The guy was probably drunk.

Yeah.

Or blind.

Or-or mentally--

Let's just go with blind and drunk!
All right, Raymond?

Come on, Robert.
Aren't you a little bit intrigued?

Yeah. What if he wasn't
any of those things?

Well, he must've been
all those things,

or he would've given his card
to the real beauty in the restaurant.

My Amy.



Oh... my handsome model.

Yeah.

Aw! How am l
gonna eat now?

You know, you could kiss
your wife once in a while.

Let's eat.

Hello. I'm here to see
William Dennison.

What's your name?

Bobby Barone.

Who?

Robert Barone.

Oh, here you are.
Okay. Have a seat.

'Sup?

Okay, Mr. Dennison will see you now.
Just right through that door.

Thank you.

Ahem, thank you.

All right. We'll send
her headshots out this afternoon.

Thanks.

Hey, Robert.

Have a seat.
Glad you could make it.

Are you sure about all this?
Because, you know, I'm not

much of a looker
in the, uh, sober light of day.

Am I right?

I mean, you saw me
at a Chinese restaurant.

They're not exactly known
for their lighting.

So I totally understand if--

Robert! Robert, relax.
We're just talking.

Okay.

So, how tall are you?

Uh, I'm 6'8" and a half,

but I can schlump to 6'5".

No no.

Actually, one of
the toughest things to find

is someone who's tall
who also photographs well.

Most of the guys
your height are...

well, they're more like...

circus freaks.

So I'm not a circus freak?

I'm not saying
you're a cover model.

What we do here is more
on the pages between the covers,

where the advertisers
want character faces

to sell everything from new cars
to headache medicines.

Oh, yeah. I could be
the headache guy.

I get headaches
all the time.

You should meet
my family.

Just because I think
you have a good look

doesn't mean the advertisers
are going to agree.

But you never know.

Interesting.

When you say "never know..."

Well, you may
never book anything.

Or you may book
a few print jobs.

And what would
something like that pay?

A couple thousand dollars.

But I also have my top people
out there doing commercials,

and they're pulling down
100, 150 grand a year.

I'm in!

Okay.
But let's understand:

There are no guarantees.

What I'd like to do is
send you out a couple times,

see what kind of
reaction we get.

Okay. Great!

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Let 'em know
I'm not afraid to go green.

- Excuse me?
- Go green.

You know, in case
they want me to sell vegetables.

Oh.

And people also tell me
I have a good voice

in case they want me to
talk in any of the ads.

"This is CNN."

Let's just focus on print ads
for the time being, hmm?

Right. Sure. Print.
Focus. Good good.

Okay. First thing
you're gonna need to do is

go out and get some headshots
to start your portfolio.

Here are the names
of some photographers

other people here have used,

or you could use
our in-house guy.

That's sounds grrrreat!

Tony the Tiger.

I-I didn't know if that guy
died already or anything.

I thought they might,
you know--

maybe they need
a new tiger.

Oh my God! You guys are not
going to believe this!

Okay, Robert!

Hey.

He went to the agency,
they signed him as a client.

He already had his photo session
with Herbert,

and they're gonna start
sending 'em out right away.

Why is Uncle Robert
standing like that?

Well, Ally...

Because my husband
is a model.

And sometimes models
wear tight underwear.

Stop it, Ray.

Robert, I just think
that's terrific.

I have always said
that you were handsome.

And then we would
laugh and laugh

and laugh.

We noticed your lights
were on.

- Guess what?
- What?

Robert signed
with a modeling agent.

All right,
what's the punch line?

No joke, Dad.

William Dennison of
the William Dennison Modeling Agency

felt that I had
potential as a model,

and, uh, I've decided
to fulfill it.

Oh, Robert,
that's wonderful!

Oh! Even as a baby,
you were always a looker.

I always thought he was
more of a "Look at that."

No, actually,

I'm not gonna go for the stereotypical,
boring good-looks thing.

I've got more
of a character face.

Like The Wolf Man?

No. Maybe more like someone

who gets paid to represent
a major aspirin company.

Okay. All right.

I'm gettin'
the "major ass" part...

That was "Headache Guy."

Stop it, Ray.

I think that was great, Robert.
Do another one.

No. Enough!

I don't like this!

I didn't raise
no male models.

Oh, Frank.

That's all right.
I expected just such a reaction.

Guess it goes
with the territory.

That's why they pay us
the big bucks.

They say he could
potentially make

100,000 a year.

Holy crap!

Shut up,
paint your face,

and start
swingin' it downtown.

Hey, Dad, you could
make some money.

You could be
"Hemorrhoid Guy."

Make me an offer!

Nobody wants to see
your father.

Robbie, maybe you can
find something for Raymond.

There must be
a cute-and-adorable department.

Can we just all let
Robert have his moment?

That's all right, Debra.

I don't mind spreading
my good fortune.

If you want, I could introduce you
to Mr. Dennison

- when I pick up my pictures.
- That's okay, Robert.

One delusional person
in the family is enough.

Oh, Robbie! I can't wait
to see your picture

in all the magazines!

Make that two delusional people.

I think it's very exciting,
Robert.

I'm proud of you.

Aw...
thanks, Amy.

Thanks, Ma.

So, there are a lot of
good-lookin' broads down there?

Dad, please.
Those are my colleagues.

Yeah, Dad. So, any of these
colleagues Swedish?

Ugh, Ray.

I'm interested
in my brother's life.

And Europe.

Look, will you relax?

We're just here to
pick up the pictures.

But we're gonna see
some real models, right?

I didn't come
down here to see

"PMS Lady"
or "Laxative Girl."

All right, look. Just don't
do anything to embarrass me.

Don't worry.
I'm gonna keep my mouth shut.

Except for when
I'm going "Wowee!"

I mean it, Raymond.
No goofing around, okay?

- This is very important to me.
- All right.

Not quite as glamorous
as I thought it would be.

Are you sure
this is the right place?

Yes. Yeah yes.
I don't get it.

Yesterday there were
all these people here.

And-and I went
over here to sit,

and this is where the lady
was who helped me,

and then this was
William's office over here.

And they said,
"Go do your pictures."

I came in here.
I met Herbert.

And then after that,
I went over here.

And then I said,
"Okay. Thank you very much.

I'll come back to get 'em."
And then l-I left,

and l-I don't know.

So, basically,
what you're saying is

the most attractive woman
I'm gonna see today is you.

I don't know what happened.
Even the light bulbs are gone.

It-it's like a con job.

How could it be
a con job? I mean--

oh, don't tell me you paid
the guy to represent you.

No. I only paid
for the pictures.

I paid for the pictures.

Oh... man.
How much?

$1000.

$1000?
Are you nuts?

It would've cost me a lot more
with one of those outside guys!

Oh my God!

I feel sick.

All right, easy.
Easy!

I can't breathe!
I can't breathe!

- I can't breathe!
- Calm down!

Robert!
Just calm down.

- I can't breathe!
- Calm down.

Calm down!

How can I calm down?

Do you know
what this means?

I've been conned,
and I'm a cop.

I'm a conned cop!

All right.
So why don't you just

track the guys down,
and you throw 'em in jail?

Yeah sure. I can just
imagine the headlines:

"Giant Cop is
Giant Schmuck!"

Look, you made a mistake.
That's all.

Come on.
Let's go home.

No. No, I can't.

How do I face Amy
and Mom and Dad--

they think I'm a model!

Nobody thinks that.

Look...

you just tell them that you decided
that this career was not for you.

You're too much of a man.

Okay. But, see,
they're expecting pictures.

Amy knows
l-I paid $1,500.

I thought you said $1,000.

I lied, okay, Raymond?!

I'm a moron!

All right, so... we'll get
some new pictures made.

No, I can't.
That was my last $2,000.

$2,000?!

I know!

Well...

$2,000?

What were these,
pictures or sculptures?

Maybe I'll just
jump out the window.

If it's really a window.

All right, look.
Don't jump yet.

Hey. You know what?
I got a camera.

So-so we'll take
some pictures,

and we'll show 'em
to everybody,

and-and then...

then you quit
"the business"

because you wanted to spend
more time with your family.

And we're done.

Yeah? You'll help me?

Yeah, why not?

Thank you.

You're a good brother.

Yeah.

And I'll only
charge you $1100.

Oh okay.
You ready?

You mean this is
where we're doing it?

In the basement?

It's supposed to look
like a $2,000 picture.

Just stand up against the backdrop.
It's very nice.

You mean your bedspread?

It's like a porn shoot.

Shut up and stand there.

We still gotta
take the pictures

and get to the one-hour place
before people get home.

Okay, but don't you think
I need a little powder first?

You don't need
any powder!

Okay, look.
You know what--

just wait a minute.
What I want--

don't take the picture
when I'm talking. Ray-Raymond!

- What?
- Just put the camera down.

Put it down!

What? Come on.
Those are great action shots.

I need you to wait
until I pose first.

Then pose already.

Hurry up.

I will be starting
with "Headache Guy."

All right.
You're kidding me?

This is what we do.
Just take it.

Looks more like
"Jock-ltch Guy."

I need that one, too.

- All right. This is not working.
- Why not?

You're not believable
as a person.

Oh yeah, Avedon?

You know what? It just
so happens that Herbert said

I was a joy
to photograph!

Herbert didn't have
any film in the camera!

You're right.
I'm such a dope.

Hey, hold it. That's good.
Right there!

That's the perfect
"Anti-Depressant Medication Guy."

Hey, Raymond, don't, okay?
Just forget it.

You got a very expressive face.
You can always tell what's in your head.

- Yeah?
- Not that. That's too happy.

- We don't want that.
- Sorry.

Now, you're forcing it.
Just be yourself.

That's it, right there.
Right there.

Perfect. Perfect.

All right. Give me
a little "over the shoulder."

Little "over the shoulder."
Yes!

Another one.
Come on.

Perfect!

Okay, great.
Now we try a happy one.

Go ahead.
Think happy thoughts.

I got nothin'.

Remember when Dad got his arm
stuck in the vending machine?

- That was funny.
- Yeah.

How about when Mom was talking
and the moth flew in?

Keep going.

Uh, remember when
I almost got fired?

- You almost got fired?
- There you go!

There you go!
Hold it.

Why did you
almost get fired?

I don't know,
but Debra almost left me.

You are good at this.

Perfect.

Perfect.

All right.

- Hold on. Hold on.
- All right.

Here we go.

That's it!

Feel that.
Feel it.

Yeah. Feel that music.

Move it! Yeah!

Give me another one.
Turn into me.

Yeah!
One more, one more.

Turn into me.

Yeah!

Okay.
Now, you hold it.

You hold it right there,
and I'll go.

All right.
What about this?

Oh yeah,
now we're talking.

Wait. I got an idea.

Here we go. I've seen 'em--
I've seen 'em do this.

Yeah. Feel it!

Feel it!
You're the man.

You're the man!
Who is the man?

I am the man!

Who's the--
here we go!

You're proud
and "Mr. Cool."

Proud and "Mr. Cool."

Proud and "Mr. Cool."

Oh yeah!
Oh yeah!

And go!

Where are you?
Look over here!

Now! Look at me!
Yeah.

All right. How do you feel
about nudity?

I'm fine with it.

I'm talking about me.

Yeah yeah yeah.

Hello hello.

Robert got
his pictures back.

How did they turn out?

Pretty good,
pretty good.

I'm so excited.
Let me see!

Here, put them down here.
Frank, get out of the way.

All righty.

Watch the fingerprints.

Okay.
So what do you think?

Ooh...

Wow.

Boy...

Iook at those.

You didn't pay money for these,
did you?

What are you talking about?

Well, Robert, I think
you're very handsome,

but these pictures
are kind of...

Iousy.

What?

I agree with Amy.

You're a beautiful boy,
Robbie,

and these photos
don't do you justice.

They're kind of
out of focus.

They're not out of focus.

Show me where
they're out of focus.

In fact, I don't know
anything about photography,

but these are the best pictures
I've ever seen.

Well, what about this one?
The top of his head's cut off.

They're going for something.
Open your mind!

Open the trash
and throw these in!

What do you mean?

You know, actually,
I'm glad you feel this way

because to tell you
the truth,

I'm leaning towards
not pursuing this anymore.

- Oh...
- What? Why? No.

I really can't
put my finger on it,

but I think that this agency
might not be right for me.

They certainly set you up
with a bad photographer.

Looks like they gave
the camera to a monkey.

Enough!

What's with you?

You people!

Why do you always got to run down
Robert and his dreams?

No. No, that's okay,
Raymond.

This is actually
what I want.

No. No, Robert.
This is what they want.

God forbid you should
feel good about yourself.

This family is so negative,
and I'm sick of it!

It's not him.
It's the photos.

It's you!

And you!

And you, and you,
and even you!

You're losin' me, man.

All of you-- you're giver-uppers
and put-er-downers.

Ray, where you going?

I know some sports people,

and they do some modeling
and have agents,

and I'd like
a second opinion.

So you can all just stay here
in your little suburban suburbia

where everything is in focus
and nobody's head is cut off!

Raymond really believes in me.

What happened?
What happened?

I don't know this man!
I don't know this man!

Ooh, you're flyin'
in the cool jet!

Look out!
Look out!

You're under arrest!

What did I do?

I tell you!

- You stole!
- What did I do?

You stole a little cool
from the world

is what you did!

You stay!
I go!

You stay! I go!