Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 8, Episode 19 - The Nice Talk - full transcript

Well, I hope everybody
likes pizza pockets.

Oh... microwaved appetizers.

I should've thought of that

before I started tomorrow's
Easter dinner from scratch.

That reminds me-- we don't want
to miss the morning's worship.

Do you know of any good
Presbyterian churches around here?

I left my directory
at home.

We were thinking that it would be easier
if we all went to our church.

You mean your...

Catholic church?

Yeah. Problem?



I don't know.

Oh, why not, Hank?

It's interesting to observe
other denominations.

Yeah. It'll be like
a safari for you.

Who knows?

On the way, we might even
spot a herd of Lutherans.

Oh, Robert,
your dad's so funny.

Yeah.
Always with the jokes.

Okay. Who else
would like to talk?

If it's all right--

Peter said he'd be
joining us tomorrow.

Good. Peter's coming.
I had my fingers crossed.

Can I watch TV now?

No, Frank.



Then what the hell
are we gonna do all night?

Less cursing, I hope.

Who cursed?

You referred to
the antipode of heaven.

What the hell kind of
moon-man talk is that?

Well, there it is again.

I have an idea.

Why don't we do a puzzle?

Good thinking, Mother.

Puzzle, sure.

Puzzle? Okay.
Puzzle. Okay.

I brought one
from home.

Ah, there you go.

I thought this would be
nice for Easter.

Oh my...

"Sacred Death"?

Is that a heavy-metal band?

This must be one of Peter's.

It was dark in the closet,
and I just saw the word "sacred."

A heavy metal puzzle.

Look, it says, "500 pieces
of head-banging fun."

Sounds difficult.

What do you think, Hank?

We're already going to
Catholic church tomorrow...

I guess we can just
call it a lost weekend.

Come on, Robert,
it's late.

Yeah, go home. You didn't get
a piece in all night anyway.

I got it.
I got it!

It-it doesn't fit, okay?
Don't force it.

Leave me alone.

It doesn't fit!

It fits!
I'm telling you it fits!

See? Perfect.

What are you doin'?

You got spit
all over here now.

Good night,
everyone.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- See you tomorrow.
- 'Night, Mom and Dad.

- Good night.
- Sweet dreams, honey.

That's it for me,
Mother.

I've got quite a bit
of flossing to do.

Good night.

I'll be there just as soon
as I finish this flaming skull.

Are you coming up, Ray?

Yeah, I just wanna
finish this section.

Okay. 'Night, Pat.
'Night, Ray.

Yeah, g'night.

Here, Ray. This looks like
it's part of the snake

crawling on that poor
young lady's bottom.

Yeah, that fits.

You've got
a good eye for this.

I think we're a good team.

We're like Kareem
and Magic Johnson.

Kareem and Magic?
You know basketball?

Only what I've learned
from your column.

Really?
You read my column?

Oh, yes. Ever since
we became family.

They have "Newsday"
in the library.

You go to the library
to read my column?

It's only
a 20-minute drive.

You're very good.

Thanks.

You know, I'm thinking
of writing a book.

- You are?
- Yeah.

I tried writing books before,
but I never finished them.

Same as reading them,
you know?

But, um...
this one I'm workin' on,

it's about Mickey Mantle
and his relationship

with Billy Martin
and Whitey Ford.

Do you know those guys?

I've heard of Mickey.

I don't know Billy
or Whitey.

They were these great players,
and they all hung out together.

I don't know.
It's probably stupid.

I don't think
it's stupid at all.

What does Debra think?
She must be very excited.

- I haven't even told Debra.
- No?

Nah. She doesn't even
read my column.

Oh, she must.

Yeah, not so much anymore.

She used to when we were dating
and she was all "wooing" me.

Now she's probably busy
taking care of the house

and the children and you.

Yeah. I guess.

You know
what it could be?

Maybe she doesn't read
your column so much anymore

because she's feeling
a little jealous.

Jealous?

Well, I wouldn't blame her.

You have such
an exciting life, Ray.

You meet a lot
of interesting people,

and you go to
so many exotic places.

You mean like... Tampa?

You've been to Tampa?

Couple times, yeah.

Well, there you go.

You know, sometimes I feel
a little jealous of Hank's work.

He's a high-school
principal, right?

Vice-principal.

But you'd think
he was the principal

the way he always comes home
with such interesting stories.

And I just want to say,
"My gosh,

what I would give to be a fly
on the wall of that teachers' lounge."

Excuse my language.

That's okay.

I like how you talk.

I've got to tell you,
you're a very perceptive person.

And you like sports.

Maybe you should
talk to my mom.

Well, I'm sure she
loves your writing.

Oh, she's another one.

She still hasn't
got over the fact

that I didn't
become a poet...

or an opera writer...

or her biographer.

Well, your mother is
a strong personality,

but she has a good heart.

I think, in many ways,
she's still just a little girl

who's looking for
acceptance and love.

I never thought of her
like that.

I've always just thought
of her as...

"Mom!"

Well, I'm a mom
to Amy and Peter.

No, I don't think so.

You can't even do this.

You're too nice.

Aw, thanks, Ray.

I think you're nice too.

All right.

Anyway, this section's all done.
Shall we keep goin'?

Oh, I don't know.

Well, why not?

Yeah, why not?

So, what do you think
of my dad?

I think we should
finish the puzzle.

Sorry...

You all right?

What are you doing?

I'm sorry.
You were on my side.

I didn't want you
to go that far.

It's 2:00 in the morning.
Where were you?

I was doin' the puzzle with the lady--
you know, Pat?

Till now?

Ah, it was a good puzzle,
and we got to talking,

and I didn't even know
how late it was.

She's all right,
that Pat.

Oh, I'm glad you two are
warming up to each other.

Maybe the next time
my mother comes,

I'll tell her
to bring a puzzle.

Yeah.

Your mother's not
really coming, is she?

No, Ray. Relax.

So what did you and Pat
talk about for three hours?

Nothing.

You know, just...

family, parents,
kids, work.

This book idea--

turns out she's
a big fan of mine,

goes to the library
to read my column.

What book idea?

Oh, yeah. Just-- I'm thinking
about writing a book.

You are?
You didn't tell me that.

Yeah well, I didn't
want to bother you.

Bother me?

I'm your wife!

I think if you have big news
like you're gonna write a book,

you'd tell me first.

You don't go telling
some other woman

just because she goes
to the library for you.

First of all,
she's not some other woman.

She's Mrs. MacDougall,
all right?

And she doesn't just go
to the library,

she walks there,

sometimes through
a foot of snow.

All right.

So tell me about
your book idea.

Now? It's 2:00
in the morning.

Oh, but it's not too late

to talk to your new best pal,
Pat MacDougall!

Come on, Debra.
What?

Fine fine.
I'm happy for both of you.

Hmm. Jealous.

Well, Hank, what did you think
of our exotic Catholic rituals?

Quite impressive.

And I thought
your Father Hubley

gave a very stirring reading
of the Resurrection.

Of course, that's
a tough story to botch.

It is a wonderful day.

The Lord has risen,
and now my brunch.

Peter was very inspired
by that Catholic ceremony.

Come on, Peter. When are we
gonna have the Easter-egg hunt?

Oh. Patience,
little ones, patience.

Now run along
and play in the garden.

Hey... we've still gotta
finish that puzzle, right?

Oh, yeah.
I'd like that.

Mama, I'll help you hide
the Easter eggs in the garden.

- I'm an "eggspert."
- Oh, Peter!

Hey, I'll--
I'll go with you, Pat.

Uh, Ray,

why don't you
help us set the table?

Oh, uh, can't you guys do it?
I'm a little tired.

Yeah. He was up all night
with your mother.

We were just
doing a puzzle.

Mm-hmm. And talking
till 2:00 in the morning.

And not just small talk.
Very meaningful, hmm?

Him and Pat.

You had a meaningful
conversation with her?

Yeah.

Just not enough mothers
in the world for you,

are there, Raymond, huh?

Hey, Peter.

Hey. You want
a chocolate egg?

I've been sitting on them.
They're about ready to hatch.

No.

So, did you hear about
your mom and my brother?

They had a real heart-to-heart talk
last night.

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.

Apparently,
into the wee hours.

They bonded over
your Sacred Death puzzle.

What?!

Mama!

Peter, are you all right?

No! What were you doing touching
my Sacred Death puzzle?

I'm sorry, Peter.

It is not supposed to be
taken out of its box!

It's a collector's item!

Correction!
It was a collector's item!

How am I supposed to explain this
at the convention?

"I'm sorry. It's only been
used by my mom!"

Raymond bit off a piece
just to make it fit.

Agh!

This is what happens
when you touch my things!

This is why you are not
supposed to touch my things!

I'm sorry, honey.

It was just something
to bring the family together.

Well, it certainly brought
her and Raymond together.

What were you two
talking about?

Oh, many things.

We talked about family.

We talked about the idea for a book
Raymond's going to write.

Ho ho ho! Well...

you talked to him
about a book idea?

You never talk to me
about my comic-book ideas!

Peter, I would like to.

It's just that I have a problem
relating to characters

who eat human flesh.

Mama, this is my art!

And it's obvious
you have no problem

talking to Ray
about his art!

Maybe I should give his "Zombies"
another chance.

So, um,
Mother MacDougall...

perhaps this might be
a good opportunity

to get to know each other
a little bit better, huh?

Oh, I would like that,
Robert.

So, um...

what's your favorite color?

Blue.

Ah...

I gotta go.

Amy, guess what
Mom did with Ray?

Oh. I know, Peter.

What?
What's going on?

Raymond was up until
2:00 in the morning

having a long and intimate
conversation with Amy's mother.

Raymond?

Is this true?

And, apparently,
it was pretty juicy.

No. We were just talking
about family and stuff.

Say, Ma, looks like
you've been replaced.

Well, Raymond...

it appears that you will do
everything in your power

to avoid talking to me,
your own mother,

and, yet you seem to bare your soul
to a total stranger.

Ma, there was
no baring, okay?

And I always talk to you--
you know I love it.

All right, then.

Why don't we go
for a nice long walk right now?

I can't right now.

Oh, you can't right now?!

I'm sure you'd be happy
to go for a walk with Pat!

- I'll walk with you, Ma.
- Robbie, please. I'm busy.

Pardon my curiosity,
but what exactly

were you and Mrs. MacDougall
talking about all evening?

Nothing to get upset about.

I do not get upset.

There are just certain subjects
I feel should remain

between a husband
and a wife.

Yes, I agree, Hank.

And, so, I am
somewhat eager to know,

what did the woman
say about me?

I don't know.
She just--

she talked about
all the interesting things

that happen
in your teachers' lounge.

Good Lord!
It was a Christmas party!

I do not drink!

I had no idea
those little rumballs

would trigger a slightly
salty pirate impersonation.

Hot damn, Hank!
I'm startin' to like you!

Hey, someone get
Captain Hook a boilermaker.

Come on, everyone.

You're missing the children
hunting for Easter eggs.

You stay away
from my son!

Excuse me?

Can I ask you:
What is wrong with me?

You talk to Raymond--
I'm your son-in-law!

I have a title--
son-in-law!

He doesn't have a title--
no title!

I don't understand.

You violated the sanctity
of the teachers' lounge!

Wait a minute!

If you don't read
my "Zombie Blood Chronicles,"

you're not my mother!

Look! Leave her alone!
All of you!

What's wrong
with you people?

We did a puzzle,
and we had a nice talk.

And she didn't do anything wrong,
and neither did l!

That's right!
I am not ashamed!

You know what was great
about last night?

This lady didn't judge me
or criticize me,

which is something I'm not
exactly used to around here.

She listened,
and she was nice.

And...
Iike Jesus said,

"Blessed are the nice."

He never said that.

That's what I'm saying!

"Blessed are you."

I don't care
what anybody says,

we have something special,
and I look forward to many years

of nice, long conversations.

I think maybe
we should cool it.

What?

Everybody seems
to be so upset

just because
we had a little talk.

No no no! Pat!

Don't you get it?
Then they win!

This is what they want.
They're trying to tear us apart.

Well, Ray,
it was just a talk.

What do you mean,
just a talk?

This was special. You don't talk
like that with everybody.

She kind of does.

Oh.

Ha ha!
She's nice to everyone.

Come on, everybody.

The children are waiting
in the backyard.

Almost forgot about them.

It's all right, Ray.
We'll always have Sacred Death.

I didn't know
you needed people to talk to.

Any time you need support,
I'm here for you, dumb-ass.