Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 8, Episode 16 - Security - full transcript

Robert installs a security alarm in Ray's house because he's thinking about retiring from the force and becoming an alarm salesman. But he wants everyone's opinion first.

Hey.

Hi, Robert.

Look, I don't know

if you got me anything
for my birthday yet, but--

Well, I was gonna
buy you a hat,

but every time
I told them your head size

they'd hang up on me.

Terrific.

No. All I want this year
is the peace of mind

of knowing that you and yours
are secure in your own home.

What?



You are looking
at the newest sales rep

for Castledoor
Home Security Systems.

I'm gonna be moonlighting
a few hours a week.

- Really?
- Yeah, I thought I'd try

to bring home
a little extra cash.

Oh well,
that's great, Robert.

Castledoor--
that's the ad with the...

the king slamming the gate
on the masked robber?

Yeah. King Safe-N-Sound.

So, l, uh, couldn't help
but noticing that, uh,

you guys don't currently
have a home security system.

All right.
Here we go.

In today's world,
it is a sad fact

that most local
law enforcement



can't seem to respond
to an emergency

as quickly
as one would hope;

sometimes not at all.

You do know you're
a policeman, right?

Well, research shows
that when a would-be intruder

sees the Castledoor sign
posted on the front lawn,

he moves on.

Sold. We'll take
one of those signs.

It doesn't work that way.

But if the guy
doesn't look--

Doesn't work that way,
Raymond!

Listen, Robert. I mean,
I know crime is bad,

but do we really
want to live this way,

you know, always being afraid,
hiding behind an alarm?

We'll take this one.

Okay. So you could
set the door alarms,

or the motion sensors,
or both at once.

It's up to you.

You see, with Castledoor,
you're the king.

I don't need an alarm

to scare away crooks
from my home.

I keep on old bat
for that.

You'd better watch it, Frank.
Robert's very persuasive.

This is his fifth sale,

and he's only
been at it a week.

Actually, I had an interesting
conversation with my boss today.

King Safe-N-Sound?

No, his son Ricky.

He said he's looking
for somebody full-time,

and he would love for me
to come aboard.

- Really?!
- Yeah.

I've been thinking about it.

I don't know.
What do you think?

You mean retire
from the force?

Oh! Wonderful!

Oh, Robbie,

how long have l
wanted to get you into

a safe, normal job, honey?
How long?

Oh, a long time, Ma.

Ooh, you know
what I think?

I want to have your birthday
at our house this year.

I'll make a big party.

Wait, Marie.

I'm a little surprised

to hear you talking
about retirement.

Why? What do you mean?

Marie, I know the job
can be dangerous.

I want him to be safe,

but I also want him
to be happy.

Robert, you love being
a police officer.

Well, sure I do, sweetie,
you know that.

It's just--

what does
everybody else think?

I think you should
retire now.

I mean, we can't have
policemen running around

that are Frank's age.

I'll fight any one
of you now.

You know what?

I think it's a big decision,

and you should go home
and make it yourself.

Yeah, hey, maybe everybody
should go home.

Robert, you've always said
that wearing that uniform

gives you
such self-confidence.

You know, how every day
you put on that badge

and squat down to look
at yourself in the mirror.

But he's such
a great alarm salesman.

You heard what
Ricky Safe-N-Sound said.

Marie, please.

I'm just talking.

Since when is there a law

against me
expressing my feelings?

I've been trying to pass
that legislation for years.

Marie, you can say
how you feel,

but I'm also saying
how I feel.

And you feel that Robert
shouldn't listen to me.

Robert has been
listening to you.

I think maybe that's why
he's talking about

retiring so early--
to make you happy.

That is not true.

Is that true, Robbie?

Tell her it's not true.

Tell her right now.

Tell her.

I don't know.

It's--it's, uh...

what do you guys think?

Robert, if you want
to retire, retire.

I want you to do
whatever makes you happy.

I think retiring
would make him happy.

You know,
there was a time

when people cared
about what I think.

You know, Robert,
I think I want to

have your birthday party
at our place.

Um...

That's all right.
That's all right.

We'll have two parties:

that one
and the official one.

Is that okay?

Marie,
with all the tension

I think we've
lost sight of the fact

that it's getting very close
to my dinnertime.

Okay. Fine.

I'm not feeling
very comfortable here anyway.

Oh, Robert,
I just want to say

you should always trust

that little voice
in your head.

Is your little voice
saying, "Retire,"

or is it saying,
"Don't retire"?

Listen carefully.

A long time ago
my little voice

told me not to
do something...

but I did it anyway.

Now I'm stuck
with a great big voice.

Where do you keep
your after-Marie liquor?

We don't have any liquor--

Top cabinet,
behind the Cream of Wheat.

Oh, stupid idiot.

Well, what set it off
this time?

I don't know.

I think I put my socks
on too loud.

I can't believe you agreed
to throw a birthday party

for the guy
who's ruining our lives.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Ugh!

It's still doing it,
Robert--

motion sensors
still going off

for no reason at all.

Yeah well, you know,
the Excalibur 2000

can be a little buggy.

You know, for just
an extra $24.99 a month,

I could install an upgrade.

Yeah. How about I install
my foot right up your--

Ray!

Happy birthday,
Uncle Robert.

They figured out how to
dodge the motion sensors.

So, Debra,

I didn't get to hear
your opinion yesterday.

Do you think
I should retire?

Robert!

He's been asking everyone
what he should do.

He talked to Andy and Gianni,
his partner Judy,

the guy she was
handcuffing.

I'm sorry, but it's
an important decision,

and everyone has
a different opinion.

You're only asking everyone

'cause you don't want
anyone to be mad at you!

Yeah, how's that goin'?

This is ridiculous.

Well, I agree.
I think you're right.

I don't think
Robert should retire.

See? She agrees with me,
and she's the normal Barone.

Uh, technically,
I'm not a Barone.

How about you, Ray?
Care to weigh in?

Yeah. I think you stink
at everything.

Fix my alarm!

Let's just do this,
Frank.

Why doesn't the alarm
go off now?

- Hello.
- Hello.

Your mother wouldn't
wrap your present,

so I put it in a coat.

Happy birthday.

You don't get the coat.

Listen, Ma and Amy,
I want to thank you

for coming
to my birthday party,

and I hope we can
have a good day.

Maybe a day to relax
and remember--

- Holy crap!
- Come on!

We're not robbers,
we live here!

Okay, look,
shut it down.

Shut the whole
damn system down.

All right, all right.

I'll put in
an override code.

Nobody look.

Frank, don't you want to
tell Robert something?

Oh, yeah.

I think you should retire.

Come on, Frank.

I'm sorry,
but Marie is my wife,

and if I can't
support her in this,

then she'll be like

an ice pick
in my ear until I die.

Careful.

Uh, am I allowed
to open it?

The drawbridge is down.

- Hello.
- Oh. Hey. Hi.

Happy birthday, Robert.

Hi, Mom and Dad.

What are you doing here?

I invited them
because I wanted them

to be here
for Robert's party.

Is something wrong?

No. It's a party.
Hey!

All right, actually,
I'm trying to decide

whether I should retire
from the force or not.

And everybody,
of course,

has all sorts of opinions,
and...

what do you think
I should do?

You're involving them
in your decision?

What's wrong with that?

I think they could bring
a fresh perspective.

I think he should retire.

What?!
No, Mom!

He's only thinking
of retiring

because it's what
she wants him to do.

But, honey,
being a police officer

is such a dangerous job.

I would think you would
want what's best for him.

That's a lovely blouse, Pat.

I cannot believe this.

Mom, it's not
about the safety.

It's about what
Robert wants to do--

Sweetie,
you're raising your voice.

We don't do that.

Too late, lady.
She's one of us now.

Well, you know,
what I think--

Oh, someone, help!

Piece of junk!

Okay, all right.

It's not accepting
my override code!

I put in the code,
it's--

Where's that
in the manual?

You might want to
call tech support

and maybe get me
a bucket of ice.

I didn't get robbed
till I got an alarm.

Okay, all right.
Now, until tech support gets here,

I'm gonna have to ask
everybody not to move at all.

Freeze!

I was going to say,

before that alarm set
my heart into arrhythmia...

that I don't think
Robert should retire.

Thank you, Daddy.

No moving, please!

You see, I respect
what you do, Robert.

Oh. Thank you, sir.

And I enjoy telling people

that my son-in-law
is a policeman,

but if you were to retire...

well, I guess I could still
talk about your unusual height.

What's that, Mother?

Nothing.

It's just that you heard
how concerned I was

about how his decision
would affect Amy,

and I don't see why you
couldn't just support me.

We'll discuss this later.

Okay.

But we won't.

So I'm just supposed
to go along with you

no matter how I feel?

I do it for you.

- What do you mean--
- No moving!

Well, I don't always like
the vacations we have to take.

What's wrong with
Colonial Williamsburg?

We go there every year.

There's never anything new.

And I hate to
break this to you:

There never will be.

That's what makes it
so grand.

Yes, for you.

And I go along
with what you want,

and I never say a word.

Take notes, Marie.

My husband is
as stubborn as an ox too.

But at least
on this issue,

he knew enough
to stay in line.

"Stay in line"?

Hey, I make
my own decisions.

Of course you do,
Frank.

That's it!

Robert,
you should stay a cop.

In fact, you should
be a motorcycle cop.

With no helmet.

In fact, you should ride
an Evel Knievel rocket-cycle.

Stop it, Frank!

You're just trying
to cause trouble.

That's all you ever do.

Oh! Oh my...

Jeezaloo!
I'm sorry!

This one sounds
just like Marie!

Oh.

I spoke to tech support.

They said I should
slam your head into it!

Who did you get
over there?!

Never mind that,
Robert!

The point is
that most of us

think you should retire.

That's not true, Marie!
I never said that--

Great.
Now she's going off.

Ray, this is important!

It's not for us
to decide.

Robert's women got him
screwed up enough.

Oh. Excuse me?

I'm not screwing him up.

This is part
of being a family, Ray!

Oh my God!
Robert, come with me.

You idiot, come here.

Oh my.

Can somebody stop it?

Take this whole system out.

Oh, it's--

it gives you a headache.
Wow!

Wow.
That was easy.

I should've married this.

Okay, look, you've got to
make a decision, all right?

'Cause you've got everybody
mad at everybody,

and innocent bystanders
are getting yelled at

by their mean wife Debra.

Now, just-- you've got to
make a decision--

you... now.

I can't do it myself,
all right?!

My whole life I've always
let other people

make the big decisions for me.

You know that little voice
in your head?

Well, mine just keeps going,

"What are you
asking me for?!

What are you asking me for?!"

So... so your little voice
is an effeminate mouse?

All right, come on.

Come on. You've--

you've made decisions
on your own, you have.

Like, okay, nobody knew
you were going to

ask your first wife
to marry you, right?

That's true.

I decided all on my own
to marry a woman

who then dumped me
for a guy I arrested.

Yeah, you're right,

I should trust
my keen instinct.

Well, what about Amy?

Oh yeah, I love Amy,
but I wouldn't have even

had the guts
to ask her to marry me

if I didn't feel that pressure
from everyone else.

There's no way.

Well...

Ma, we can see your feet.

God, she has been on me
since the day I signed up--

"Don't go.

You're way too big
a target."

So wait a minute...

Dad didn't want you
to be a cop either, right?

Are you kidding?

He wanted me to work
at the Carvel ice cream store

so he could get
free Fudgie the Whales.

So... so you joined
the force by yourself?

Yeah, I guess.

I'd say that's
a pretty big decision,

wouldn't you, huh? I mean,
just out of high school,

Mom didn't want you to join,
Dad didn't want you to join,

I'm sure I was no help.

You just kept asking me
if I'd be working undercover

as the world's
biggest transvestite.

I said that?
That's funny.

Okay,
but you did it anyway,

and I would say
that it worked--

25 years.

27.

Okay, so...

so if you can decide
to become a cop,

why can't you decide
if you want to stay one, huh?

God, it's your life, man.

So come on. What do you
deep down really want to do?

Okay.

I want to dance.

What?

Dancing.
I'm a good dancer.

No, Robert, you're not
going to be a dancer.

You said deep down.

Okay,
but you're in your 40s.

It's time to go
a little less deep.

Choreographer?

No, Robert!
Come on!

Stop trying to avoid
making a decision!

You want to be a cop
or an alarm salesman?

I don't know.
What do you think?

No! No!

A cop...

or an alarm salesman?

Um...

okay, look look,
just finish this sentence:

I'm a...

Cop.

Okay. Good.

Now, why'd you say,
"I'm a cop"?

Because you said,
"I'm a" and not, "I'm an."

Okay. All right,
but...

but you want to
be a cop, right?

Well, it's obvious
you want me to.

Will you-- look,
just finish this sentence:

My occupation--

Too late.
I'm a cop.

Okay, but you decided it.

Yeah.

I'm a cop.

Yes, you are.

Uh...

Okay.

Ma!

Ma, I'm going to
stay a cop.

Raymond said I should.

Oh, all right,
just take it easy.

Listen, Ma.

Just--

I stopped him
from being a dancer.

Robert, trip the alarm!