Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 8, Episode 14 - Lateness - full transcript

Ray is getting tired of Debra making him wait for her. They're late for everything. So he decides to set a time, and if Debra isn't ready by that time, he's leaving without her. Which may be the last thing he'll ever do.

Hey, I'm outside waiting
in the car for 20 minutes!

Coming!

You know, you don't
have to do your hair.

I married you already.

I'll be down
in a minute.

Yeah yeah. Your minute,
it's a half an hour.

That's why the kids
can't tell time.

I said I'll be right down!

We can tell time.

I know, I know, I know.

Hey, come on.
We're gonna miss the previews.



You know,
we're not stupid.

I know. I know.
Come on!

You know I need
my seat by the aisle!

It's 7:23.

Don't tell me,
tell your mother.

Hello?!

There are only
so many aisle seats!

Remind her you have
a small bladder.

Ma, please.

Hey, quit yelling.
I can't hear.

Go back to the car.

I'm gonna wait
in the car!

I have a small bladder,
you know!

It's true.



You remember
his Little League game?

Hey.

What'd you do that for?

Because you're my husband,

and that is the flattest thing
I have ever seen.

Hmm. Yeah.

Are you still mad because
we missed a couple of previews?

Yeah, and we had
no time for popcorn.

I had to sit in the middle.
I got up to go to the bathroom,

everybody's like,
"This guy again?"

Yeah okay, great night.

Ray, I'm very sorry

that there were other people
in the theater.

Every single time we go out,
you make me wait.

What?
That's not true.

Every single time.

You know
how I hate being late.

It makes me very anxious.

I get all ugh-eh inside.

Ray, if I'm late,

maybe it's because
the government requires

that one of us
tends to the children.

Don't give me that.

The children are nowhere near you
when you're up here...

You are one ugly woman.

Blaming the children.

You were doing this to me
before we were married.

You'd make me wait in your apartment
while you were getting ready

and I had to sit there
and look at your books.

You used to think
I was worth waiting for.

You were worth waiting for,

but after 15 years,
you should be here by now.

What can I say, Ray?
I can't help it.

You can help it.
You just don't want to.

It's all about control.
You want the control.

That's right--
I listen to talk radio.

I'm controlling?

What about you
yelling up the stairs,

"Hurry up! Let's go!
Small bladder!"

That doesn't make
anybody go any faster.

Oh, you see?
You do do it on purpose.

No, I'm not doing it
on purpose,

but you make me anxious
when you yell.

And then I get
all ugh too.

Let me tell you something:
My father had a system-- AlS.

When we were kids

and we were going
on a car trip,

he would set a time--

"We're leaving 9:00! AlS!"

"AlS"?

"Ass in seat."

If anyone's ass

was not in their seat
at the designated time,

that ass was left behind.

So, in the fall,

did you have to set
your ass back an hour?

Ha ha. Yeah.

Go ahead. Laugh.

You don't care about me.

What?

When I'm waiting in the car

and you're up here
la-di-dahing,

it's perfectly clear that...
you don't care about me.

Oh... okay, Ray,

I'm sorry that it feels
that way to you,

but I promise that is not
what's going on.

Yeah yeah.

No, really.
I mean it.

What time are
the ESPY Awards tomorrow?

That's right--
the ESPY Awards.

You're gonna do it again,
aren't you?

You're gonna make me late
for my favorite night of the year.

I don't wanna be late
for it either.

I've been looking forward
to this night all year long.

I even bought
a great new dress.

Oh! A new dress!
Please!

Let me just save us time
right now, okay?

The shoes go perfect
and it makes you look skinny.

Okay? So, please,

could you just
put it all on now

and go sleep
in the car?

What time do you want
to leave tomorrow night?

Well...

I wanna get there
for the appetizers--

- Oh God.
- What?!

Last year we missed
the bacon-wrapped shrimp.

So we should leave here
no later than... 6:30.

6:30.

Yeah?

6:30 AlS.

And you won't be yelling
up the stairs.

I won't have to.

6:30.

6:30.

I'm a very
good-looking woman.

Oh, Ray,
you look so handsome!

Robert, doesn't Ray
look handsome?

Yeah, I'll take a table
for two near the back.

Sorry, we don't serve
circus people.

What-what time you got?

6:25.

You don't got 6:26?

I will in a minute.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. Debra and I had a deal
that she'd be in the car at 6:30,

and I promised not
to yell up the stairs,

"We gotta go.
Come on, come on.

My next wife isn't
gonna do this."

Things of that nature,
you know? Yeah.

All right, I'm gonna
wait in the car.

When Debra comes down,

tell her I am patiently
waiting in the car

and not yelling things
up the stairs!

I don't know
what Ma sees in him.

Three minutes to spare.
Mm-hmm.

Oh, great.

WlNS newstime-- 6:29.

That is correct.

Ray! Could I get
a hand here?

Does not care about me.

Amy, can you help me?
Where's Ray?

He's in the car.

Tell him I'm coming.

Yeah, I know.

Ray!

Raymond!

- Ow ow ow ow!
- I'm sorry!

This is really stuck!

I know. Just...

He's gone.

He left?

I can't believe this!

You don't just drive off
and leave a person.

Want me to drive you
over there?

Yes, Robert will drive you
over there.

Come on, Deb.

Don't let this ruin
your big night out.

Look at you
all dressed up.

You're like
a beauty queen.

Isn't she like
a beauty queen?

Yes. Like, um...

an angry Miss New York.

And I love your shoes.

Yes, mighty fine kicks
you have there, mighty fine.

And your hair is...

nicely accessorized.

Why would Ray do
something like this?

I've been saying it for 40 years--
he's a terrible person.

- Go get the car.
- I'll get the car.

Don't bother, Robert.

Oh no, Deb.
Come on.

What are you doing?

You can't let him
do this to you.

Don't worry, Robert.

He will pay.

What's so funny?

Come.
Sit, my dear.

I've got us
ringside seats.

- Hey, Ray!
- Ray!

Bernie, what are you
doing here?

I'm Andy's date.

It's not exclusive.

We're allowed
to see other guys.

Where's Debra?

Debra? Oh, uh...
I left without her.

What do you mean?

She wasn't ready on time,
so I left.

So... is she coming?

Perhaps.

She's a licensed driver,
she's got access to a car--

everything she needs to get here
when she's good and ready.

Hey, how you doing?

I don't know
anything about women,

but isn't this
gonna make her mad?

It shouldn't.

We had a deal,
the time was set,

she didn't make it.
Goodbye.

Bacon-wrapped shrimp!

Wow.

You're my hero.

Good for you, Ray.

Linda keeps me waiting
all the time.

Drives me nuts!

I would love to see
the look on her face

if I drove off
without her.

She'd just be standing there
all dressed up,

thinking I'm gonna
come back to get her.

But then I don't.

And every second that goes by,
she gets madder and madder.

Turning red...

pacing up and down...

cursing me out...

Oh, man! I could never
do what he did!

I gotta hand it
to you, Ray.

Ray?

Ray, are you okay?

Oh my God, what did I do?
What did I do? What did I do?

You left without her.

You struck a blow
for all men.

I left without her.

She was getting dressed up
for this, and l...

- I just--
- You struck a blow!

Shut up, Bernie!
I'm a dead man!

So Debra is mad.

I guess I do know
a little about women.

Hello.

- Hey!
- Oh, hi!

We just got back
from the opera.

We had a marvelous time.

Yeah?
You too, Dad?

Yep.
Slept like a baby.

Placido was magnificent!

Placido should
change his name to Snorio.

Raymond.

Don't you look nice?

Yes, welcome home,
Raymond.

We've all been
waiting for you.

Oh, look.
Are those flowers for me?

I think they're
for Raymond's funeral.

Did I miss something?

What-what's going on?

Debra was ready
to go out tonight,

but her curling iron
got stuck

and Ray
left without her.

He AlS'd her.

You AlS'd her?

You left?

Her "A" wasn't
in the "S."

Why would you
do that, Ray?

Yes, why, Ray?
Why?

Terrible person, perhaps?

I was just trying
what Dad used to do.

Oh, I never did that.

What are you talking about?
You did it to us all the time.

Yeah, you and Robert,

but I would never
do that to the wife.

That's just suicide.

You never AlS'd Mom?

He's still here,
isn't he?

Maybe we should all go.

Where were we?

Oh, just shut up, okay?
You're not perfect!

Never said I was,
but I'll tell you what I do say:

I am more than happy
to wait for my wife.

And I'm sure that Amy
will attest to the fact

that I have waited for her
plenty of times

with nary a peep.

When have I ever
made you wait?

No no-- you know,

we always get to wherever
we're going on time.

But when it's time
for us to leave,

you always like to talk
to everybody one last time

because you're so sweet
and sociable.

So it... takes you
a little longer to go.

But-but it's cute, honey,
what you do.

A-a-and when anyone asks me

why am I just standing
at the door doing nothing,

I tell them,
"I'm waiting for my wife.

She's on
her goodbye tour."

And everybody laughs.

The Goodbye Tour?
You have a name for it?

A funny name.

Marie does the same thing,
always yapping.

I'm talking to people,
Frank.

I'm a people person.

Yeah? Well, the people
could use a break from you!

Your mother's right.

Some of us care about people--
not clocks.

Sometimes you care more
about people than you do me.

Yes!
I too am people.

And all you care
about is you.

Who went to the stupid,
boring opera with you?

Which, by the way,
we were late for

because it takes you an hour
to paint your face!

That was for Placido.

A mime troupe
outside the theater

tried to sign her up.

If I'm so much trouble,

I'm never gonna go
anywhere with you again.

This evening turned out
pretty well after all.

Good luck to you.

Can I ask you
something, Robert?

Here we go.

Why are you always so anxious
to leave wherever we go?

How come you're never
satisfied with where you are?

I'm very satisfied now.

I wish you would see
Dr. Greenberg.

Again with Greenberg.

I just think
you could be happier.

Do we have to talk
about this here?

I just want you to feel better
about who you are.

I am fantastic
about who I am!

You know what?
I'm not gonna do this, okay?

Just forget it,
all right?

Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.
End of tour!

Why are you afraid
to be healthy?

They're messed up, huh?

Yeah...

it's funny how everybody

sort of has the same stuff
going on, right?

I like your earring.

All right.

Okay, look...

maybe I shouldn't have left,

but we had a deal.
It was 6:30.

I didn't know
that your hair

got all snaggled up
in your curling pole,

and I left.

I left, and-and...

that was wrong.

But you know what?!

You-you--
it's always something.

You say you don't mean
to be late,

but you always are.

I think that we're
gonna look back

and we're gonna see
that what happened tonight

was a step forward
in our relationship.

And-and...

even though you're the one
who broke our agreement,

I brought you this lovely
sports-theme bouquet.

I'm glad we could just put
this whole matter behind us.

I'd like to talk about this
more upstairs.

Okay. Okay.

Are you coming?

I'll be up in a minute.