Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 8, Episode 12 - Slave - full transcript

Guys, guys!
How loud do you need that?

Come on.
That's old-man volume.

Hey. Hey, where are
the batteries?

Ally put them
in her CD player.

Well, uh--

oh, I've gotta
do this manually?

I'm like a caveman now.

Ally!

Where's Ally?

You took her over
to the Spencers' last night.

I wouldn't
have took her



if I knew she had
my batteries.

Come on.
Where's my batteries?

Why do we have a thousand
packets of ketchup?

I guess nobody
likes ketchup.

All right, you know what?
This remote stays with me.

I hope you like
that channel,

'cause that's the one
you're watching

for the rest
of your life.

Okay. Ray, I'm...

Ray?

We're out of milk,
so I'm going to the store.

All right.

Deb, I'm gonna go--

Deb. Deb, I'm gonna
go buy batteries!



Hey.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I'm getting batteries.
Ha ha. This is funny.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Ha ha.

What are you--
what are you getting?

Well, everything else.

Hey, you wanna
shop with me?

All right.

Remember that time
I put you in the cart,

- started pushing you around?
- Oh, yeah.

I picked you up
in the hot-babe section.

That wasn't really
shopping, that was--

Falling in love.

All right.
Come on, shop with me.

I like having you here.

All right.
Well, get in.

- No! What are you doing?
- Yeah. Come on.

We're in the middle
of the store.

Price check!

I need a price check
on a piece of cheesecake!

Put me down--
don't put me in the cart.

- Raymond!
- Oh hi, Marie.

Hey.

There's something
I can't do.

That's not
all you can't do.

So... this is funny--

first Ray,
now you guys.

It's kind of like a reunion.

Hey, give me
some of that, Dad.

Oh, this is good stuff.
We've got to get some of this.

- Okay. Sure.
- Yeah, it's really good.

Where are the kids?

Oh my God! The boys!
You left them?!

No, y-you did!

No, you did.

Oh my God!

Ray, damn it, I told you
I was going to the store!

I told you!

How could you tell me,
when I'm not there?

Why are you
standing here?!

Go go go go go!

Come on, Frank.
Come on. Hurry.

Hey, kid,
this cereal is good.

Take a handful
and put it back.

- Michael, Geoffrey!
- Oh, Mike, Geoff.

- Oh my God. Are you okay?
- You're okay.

All right. You're okay.
This one's okay.

- Is he okay?
- Give me that one.

Give me him again.
Give me him again.

Give me him, him.

Oh my God.
They seem okay.

Okay.
Yeah, they're okay.

Oh, it's okay, boys,

Mommy didn't mean
to leave you.

- Ray!
- What?!

They need reassurance.

Oh, my poor angels.
Oh.

Oh, it's okay.
Oh.

They're okay, Marie.

Oh, I'm never
leaving you again.

Marie, they're fine.

They're okay.
You're fine, right, boys?

Look, Daddy, pancakes.

Shaped like bunnies.

You made pancakes?!

Oh my God!

They could've burned
the house down.

Who told you
you could make pancakes?!

I smell pancakes.

Do you know
how dangerous it is

to be playing
with the stove?

Where are the pancakes?

You want a pancake,
Grandpa?

What the hell
have I been saying here?

Ally, when did
you get here?

The Spencers dropped me off
a little while ago.

So you were alone here
with the boys?

You made the pancakes?

Yeah. The boys were hungry,
so I fed them.

Oh.

Oh. Oh well...

Well, look at everything.
It looks fine.

Well...
you did a good job.

Well, that's great!

You're Daddy's big girl,
aren't you, honey?

Give me a pancake.

Give me three pancakes.

I only had a couple left,
Grandpa,

and they came out
kind of ugly.

The stomach
knows not ugly.

Aw, Ally, honey,
if it wasn't for you--

Your mother could be
facing criminal charges.

Not if everybody
keeps their mouth shut.

Listen, Marie.
Everything is fine.

It's not what you think.

You think I wanna
think these things?

I don't.

But then I look around,
and, uh, huh...

And every time I look around,
you know what I see?

Hey! Hey!
Try one of these.

Look, it's a bunny.
Hi, I'm a bunny.

Oh, the bottom
of a cow, huh?

Delicious. I'm done.

Bye.

Come on, Marie.
Make me lunch.

- Honey, listen. I'll get that.
- I can do it.

No, honey, you've helped
Mommy out enough.

Yes, you have, dear,
and thank God for you.

You have learned
responsibility and cooking

against all odds.

God. It would have to happen
right in front of her.

Yeah.

But if you think about it,

everything we do happens
right in front of her.

Are we terrible parents?

Probably.

But you know what?

I mean, how bad
could we be? Look.

Look at her.
She did great.

She took care
of everything.

We must be doing
something right.

We raised a kid who's raising
the rest of the kids.

I'm not sure that's how
it's supposed to be.

- Would you like another pancake, Daddy?
- Yeah, I'm starving.

I made you a football.

You're like an artist--
a pancake artist.

That's the kind of art
that Daddy appreciates.

I like doing this stuff.

Is there anything else
I could do?

You mean you wanna do more stuff
around the house?

Sure. It was fun.

Of course it's fun.

It's fun to help Mommy.

Listen, I mean,
I would be thrilled

to get some more help
around here.

There's cleaning
and laundry and...

Cooking.

Well, maybe some time
when you guys go out,

I can babysit for real.

Oh, I don't know, honey.

You said I did a good job
with the boys.

It's true, right?

Twins alive, house--
house not on fire,

pancakes in stomach.

Well, a lot of girls
her age do babysit.

And cook.

In some countries,

she'd be married
and running her own farm.

I don't know.

It still makes me
a little nervous.

Yeah. You know, to tell you
the truth, honey,

when it comes
to babysitting,

we kinda leave that
up to Grandma.

You know what, honey?

Why don't you babysit
for us tomorrow?

- I can babysit?!
- Wait wait wait. No no.

- You can babysit!
- Yes!

Boys, Mom and Dad say
I'm in charge of you!

Well...

okay, but wait a minute now.

You're not cutting
my mother out entirely.

This could be
the beginning.

No no.
No no, listen.

You wanted Ally to help.

No no no.
I just like pancakes.

You said it--
Ally is growing up.

She's mature,
she's responsible,

she wants to help out.

Okay. All right.
But my mother--

It's the perfect system--

Ally will be
helping me a lot.

W-wait a minute.

Goodbye, Marie.

Whoo-hoo!

So did you tell Ma
that Ally's gonna babysit tonight?

No. What, are you stupid?

Ally, what do you say
if Grandma calls tonight?

You're in the bathroom.

Attagirl.

How about
that grilled cheese?

Isn't that
great grilled cheese?

It's amazing.

I'm telling you, Ray,
she's great at that griddle.

You know, Ally,
we're gonna sell

a whole line of griddles
with your face on 'em.

What's she got
going today?

Grilled cheese.

I'm in.

Throw some ham
on one of them.

Hey, what are you doin'?

Don't worry,
I'll give you half of mine.

- All right.
- Sucker.

Amy says we should just meet her
at the movie theater.

- All right. Great.
- All right.

Hey, Debra, look at you.

What?

Oh, nothing.
It's just...

Iook at you.
You're lookin' good.

Oh. Well,
thank you, Robert.

What are you doing?

No. I'm just saying
she's looking good,

you know,
all glowy and happy.

Yeah yeah,
you are looking good.

Well, what's going on?

Nothing.
I don't know.

I just feel good.
I don't know what it is.

Oh, Ally.

Ally, honey...

you dropped a sock.

You might wanna get the boys
started on bedtime.

Okay, Mommy.

Michael, Geoffrey,
pajamas!

Hey, Ally, sweetie,

I think my grilled cheese
is burning.

Okay, Grandpa.

While you're at it,

how about one more
for the old man?

Okay, Daddy.

And one more
for the handsome man.

Well, thank you, Dad,
but you should have one, too.

Sorry, Dad.
You're the handsome man.

You know what makes
this sandwich so great?

It doesn't come
with a side of Marie.

Frank.

Somebody screwed up
your order.

Frank,
what are you doing?

Lee and Stan are
coming over for dinner

in a half an hour.

I'm loosening up.

Hey, Ma, would you
like Ally to make you

one of these
grilled-cheese sandwiches?

I swear, they're
the best I ever ta--

All right.
That's enough.

Oh, honey,

you're doing that
all wrong.

Let Grandma show you
how to do that.

Hey, butt out.
She's busy.

Fine.
We have to go anyway.

I don't wanna be late
for Lee and Stan.

Oh yeah.
Mom and Dad,

you guys should probably
get going, too.

Oh yeah, Ray.
You know, she's right.

Come on. We've got
to be there by 8:00.

Wait.

You're all going out?

Uh...

not out, in.

In-into the living room.
We wanna be there by 8:00.

Yeah.

Ray, Ray...

relax.
We can tell her.

Well...

All right. Okay.

But you're cuttin' it close,
you know?

Uh, I'm gonna meet you
by the couch.

I'll be at the coffee table.

Wait a minute.
Tell me what?

Guys, guys, come on.
Marie will understand.

We're going out tonight,

and we've asked
Ally to babysit.

Oh, I understand.

You're insane.

It's okay, Grandma.

I babysat
the last two nights.

Ally, sweetie, uh...

that laundry's
not gonna fold itself.

Come on.

Marie,
Ally will be fine.

I used to babysit
when I was her age.

And you used to smoke, too,
didn't you?

I did not smoke.

Well, your parents were
very liberal, weren't they?

Yes, but...

They were hippies.

They were not hippies.

I'm not gonna have
this discussion.

We're going
to the movies.

- Yes. To the movies we go.
- Yeah. Let's go to the movies.

Well, I'm staying
right here.

Okay, good night.

I thought you were
having guests over.

It was just Lee and Stan.
Enough with them already.

All right. Bye-bye.

Well, then, I guess
I'm the only one

who thinks the children
are important.

Ray, get back in here.

Marie, I think I know
what's best for my kids.

Oh, really?

By making your daughter
cook and clean?

Look at
the poor little thing.

She's too young to be
folding grown-up underwear.

What's next? You gonna have her
sweep the chimney?

Ma, come on.
She's not Snow White.

- Cinderella.
- Shut up.

Marie, look.
We're just trying to tell Ally

that we trust her enough
to take on more responsibility.

By making her
into a slave?

- She's not a slave.
- Yeah.

This is nothing
compared to what

Dad made us do
when we were kids.

That's true.
Talk about slaves.

I beg your
freakin' pardon?

Come on.

Uh uh,

"Rake those leaves.
Shovel that snow."

"Change that tire.
Lift that piano."

Hey, I only asked
you two bozos to do stuff

so you could feel
that you weren't worthless.

It's called being
a good father.

Yeah.

Hey, what are you
laughing at?

I even paid you.

Oh, yeah yeah.
One nickel.

One time.

And we had to
share it.

Hey hey,
remember the time

we put
our nickel together

and bought nothing?

Okay. So, uh,
how much are you paying

your little helper?

Well, actually...

we haven't gotten into
any specifics yet.

Yeah. We're crunching
the numbers.

Ally, come in here.

Uh, all right.
What are you doin'?

You wanna crunch numbers?
Let's crunch.

I understand you do not
receive compensation.

What?

They're not paying you.

Okay. All right.
Dad, we get it.

No. I'm glad you pointed out
what a bad father I was.

I would hate to see you
make the same mistake.

How does
$10 an hour grab you?

Frank.

Excuse me.
I'm talking to my client.

You like nice things,
don't you?

Party shoes, taffy...

dolls that pee.

Okay. Frank,

we give Ally
all that she needs.

That is management talking.

I think this whole topic
is inappropriate.

Ally should not be paid

because the child
shouldn't be working.

She should be out
chasing butterflies

and hopping scotch.

Okay. Here are
her demands:

$10 per hour,

bedtime of her choosing,

an assortment of sugary
breakfast cereals.

Ooh, Lucky Charms just added
a new marshmallow shape.

Rainbows.

Uh, she also wants
a bucket of chicken,

and her grandmother
should take a long vacation.

That's my commission.

Dad, look, we're not gonna
play your stupid game.

Game? You think
this is a game?

Walk away.

What?

Walk away from the table.

Where am I going?

Nowhere, honey.

Yes, you are.
You're going on strike!

We're shuttin' you down!

Well, I'm available
if you need me.

And it won't
cost you anything.

Yo, scab,
you like your kneecaps?

Okay, uh,
you know, l...

I've had enough of this.

Frank, Marie, it's time
for you to leave.

Now that Ally
is at a point

where she can do more
around the house,

we won't be needing
as much... outside help.

Well, Debra,
that sounds like

you don't want me
here at all.

Uh, no no.

No. We welcome you
and your delightful way.

No. Debra's never
been comfortable

accepting my help.

And I think now

you're trying to use
this situation

to shut me out
altogether.

Marie, you think
I have time to sit around

and come up with schemes
to get you out of my life?

Yeah, Ma, come on.
That's not all she does.

Sometimes she reads.

Marie, look.
We are doing this

because this is
what Ally wants.

What Ally wants!

Ever since we let her
take on more responsibility,

she's blossomed.

Like a chrysanthemum.

She's more confident,
she's independent,

and she's happy.

And isn't that
what we all want--

for Ally to be happy?

I guess.

So, sweetie,
do you like babysitting?

Does it make you happy?

Yeah.

But not for free.

Ally, you're
killing me here.

Look at the napkin--

I was working our way
up to pony.

All right.
Just stop it, Dad, okay?

Ally is happy, and that's all
we care about--

making Ally happy.

- Really?
- Yes, of course, honey.

Oh...
because...

Molly invited me over tonight,
and I kind of wanted to go,

but I told her I couldn't
because I was babysitting.

Well, honey, you should
do what makes you happy.

- So I can go to Molly's?
- Well, what about the movies?

Sure, honey,
you can go to Molly's.

Right, Daddy?

Well, uh... yeah.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Yeah. We only care
about your happiness.

Great.

Oh, and were you serious
about the money?

'Cause I did do
a lot of laundry.

Oh. Oh yeah.
Okay. Yeah, sure.

Okay. Oh.
I only got a 20.

- That's good.
- Wait.

Here you go, honey.

Thank you, Grandpa!

That's my girl.

Well, can we still
go to the movies?

Okay, Marie,
you win.

You can babysit.

Oh, I'd love to.

But I can't.

See, I'm entertaining
my dear friends Lee and Stan.

Come on, Frank.

Well well,
wait a minute,

Dad, what about you?

Oh, you can't afford me.

If you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go see
a movie with Amy

and then have no children.

Whoa.

Well, um...

there's no reason both of us
shouldn't go to the movies.

Wait. Yeah,
there's a reason right there.

That's one reason.
Yeah.

This is my favorite part
of babysitting.

Hey. Whoa.
You're home early.

Did you have fun
at Molly's?

Yeah.
How are things here?

Any problem
with the twins?

No. They were great.

What time did
they go down?

About a half
an hour ago.

That's pretty late.

What, did you let them
have chocolate or something?

No.

- Yeah, I did.
- You...

I think she smelled
the beer on my breath.