Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 7, Episode 24 - Robert's Wedding - full transcript
Robert and Amy finally get married. But it's not the wedding they expected.
- Stupid weddings.
- Here they are!
Aren't they beau--
Ray!
I left you up here
an hour ago.
I showered, did my hair,
Got the kids up,
got them dressed.
Kids, go downstairs.
Mommy's yelling.
And you can't even
do yourself?
- What?
I'm ready.
- Everyone is waiting
for you.
Oh, look at this.
Look, this goes on
after the pants, einstein.
Here, get--
Do you realize
that it is a--
It's a three-hour drive
to pennsylvania.
Amy is waiting for me.
Robert is a nervous wreck.
I mean, come on.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
You might be a little too angry
to do the zipper.
- What have you been doing?
- I got the speech--
The fricking toast thing
I got to do.
- Would you stop obsessing
about the toast?
Just say something
funny and heartfelt.
Nobody cares.
- Where is he?
- He's still in there.
- What are you doing?
- What?
I'm coming.
- Would you hurry?
Ma's already yelling at dad,
because he dripped
Egg and cheese sandwich
on his tux.
Just get in the van!
This is the biggest day
of my life.
- That's what you said
at your last wedding.
- What's that,
a smart remark?
- No.
- Huh?
You're bringing up
my first marriage today, huh?
You trying to jinx me, raymond?
- No.
No.
- Don't mess with me today,
raymond, okay?
- I'm just--
- do not mess with me today!
This is my wedding day,
and I'm in no mood for fun!
- Then you're gonna
love marriage.
- [breathing heavily]
[knock on door]
- Robbie?
- Ma, this is the men's room.
- Raymond told me
you were in here.
What are you doing?
- Nothing, ma.
I just wanted a little
alone time before the ceremony.
- Oh, okay.
I'll stay with you.
Can we go somewhere else?
- No, ma, I want
to stay in here.
Remember last time
I got married,
I saw joanne
before the wedding?
I think that put the whammy
on the whole marriage.
- Oh, honey.
The problem there was,
you saw her after the wedding.
- All right,
out, mom.
- No, but--
- no, come on.
You already got gianni
looking for a fire hydrant.
Come on.
Look, look, look,
you want to help?
See if you can find
the reverend guy, okay?
He'll be the one
with the big book.
- Yeah, but I need to talk to--
- no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Whoa, thanks, man.
- Yeah, always happy
to do that.
So how you doing?
You fast, you loose,
you throwing up?
- I'm fine.
You know, just wanted
a little alone time, that's all.
- Yeah.
Let me ask you something.
Now that you and amy
are getting married,
What's the one
"special thing"
That you two have
That a group of people
would want to hear about?
- You've got nothing
for the toast.
- I got plenty.
What do you got?
- Oh!
Great.
You're both here.
- Yeah.
- How's it going?
- Fine, peter.
What is it?
- Well, nothing.
I just wanted to see you two
before blastoff and everything.
What do you think
about the tux?
I rented it.
[clears throat]
- Yeah, that's a good fit.
- Thank you.
Guys, look, this is
really hard for me.
Um, I've had some issues
With this whole
marriage agenda,
But I've had some time
to reflect,
And I realize that
I may have been a wiener.
- No, that's okay, peter.
- No, it's not okay.
We're gonna be family,
And I just--I want to be able
to call you guys--
Both of you,
Brother-man.
- All right.
All right.
Okay.
- [sobbing]
welcome to our lives.
- Okay.
[chuckles]
- It's all right.
Thank you.
Thank you, peter.
- Well, thank you.
And now I shall
take my leave.
Have a great day.
- That psycho's
gonna pull some crap.
Right?
- Yup.
- Now, listen.
You got to stick
with him, raymond.
Go. Go now.
You got to follow him.
- I don't want to be--
- No, no, listen, listen,
just do it.
He's gonna
wreck the wedding.
That guy has squirrels
juggling knives in his head.
- No, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Before I go, one thing funny
and then heartfelt.
- Go!
- Look out.
I got egg and cheese sandwich
on my crotch.
- Oh, great.
Great!
- What's your problem?
- Nothing.
Nothing, dad.
How are you today?
- None too happy.
I just found out
it's gonna be a cash bar.
And the scuttlebutt is,
the food will be skimpy.
- Yeah, and of course,
the only reason
Why you're here today
Is so you can
stuff your face.
- I enjoy life.
So anyway, no offense,
but the party's gonna blow.
- Well, I think it's nice
that the macdougalls
Have offered to help me and amy
pay for the wedding at all.
- You saying I should've
chipped in?
- No.
[stammers]
- I chipped in
your last wedding
And ray's wedding.
And by the way,
The broad's family
is supposed to pay,
And it is to be
a full bar
Free of charge
With top-shelf hooch.
Read your bible.
- Must've missed that passage.
- You got some nerve complaining
I haven't given enough.
Need I remind you
of 40 years of room
And enormous amounts of board?
- Look, dad, dad,
I'm sorry, okay?
I'm just a little,
you know--
I want it to go well today,
So I apologize.
I appreciate everything,
And you're a sensational father.
- Well, you know,
I apologize too.
I guess everyone's
kind of on edge today,
But you'll be okay.
You're used to this
type of thing,
Being a cop,
seeing murders, and whatnot.
- Thanks.
I feel better.
- Good.
Let's hope you
picked a winner this time.
[indistinct chatter]
- Hey.
- Hey, ray.
All: Hi, ray.
- Hi.
Hi.
So how's my groom?
- He's, you know, stoked.
- Aw.
- So how's it going in here?
- Going great.
Doesn't amy look beautiful?
- Yeah.
I don't know when
I have been so excited.
It's so romantic.
Everybody's crying.
- That's what it's all about.
- Yeah.
You look so handsome.
Oh, I am just gonna
dance with you all day.
- Yeah?
Somebody's been popping
the champagne already?
- No!
No, it's just--
Come on!
It's a wedding.
Get into it.
You know, the romance,
the love that's all around us.
Can't you suck it up
for one day?
- I'm into it.
I'm sucking.
- You're dancing
with me today, jerkwad.
- You haven't called me that
since our wedding.
- Amy, where's your mom?
- Oh, she's running around
Like a headless chicken
making sure...
[imitating mother]
all the relatives
Are comfortable
and are seated properly.
[all laugh]
Oh, dear, tiny aunt florence.
Can you see from there?
Would you like a cushion
or a phone book?
[all laugh]
[normal voice]
hi, mom!
- Hello.
- I'm sorry, mother.
You know I was
just fooling around.
- Oh, I know, honey.
That never bothers me.
And you're so good at it.
And you look
so beautiful today, and--
[sobbing]
- What?
What?
- I'm sorry.
I guess I pictured
my little girl's wedding
A certain way.
I used to worry
about telling you
What to expect--
You know,
on your wedding night?
But you and robert
have already--
- Mother, please!
- I'm sorry.
You're right, sweetie.
I know it's a different world.
All fun all the time.
But look at you.
You're like an angel
dropped from heaven,
And you've always been that
for me and your father.
- Thanks, mom.
- I'd better go.
That phone book for
aunt florence is a good idea.
Oh, my, we're supposed
to get started in five minutes,
And I haven't seen
reverend stevens yet.
Peter?
- Yes, mama?
- Honey, you picked up
reverend stevens this morning,
Didn't you?
- Why, yes, of course,
I did, mama.
I have no idea where that rascal
could've gotten to,
But I'm on it.
- Did peter come in here?
- Yeah, he's in there.
- Peter?
Come on, peter,
I know you're in there.
- I'm very busy.
- What's going on?
- He was supposed
to pick up the reverend guy,
And nobody can find him.
- Peter, come out there
right now!
- Let's go!
- I can see you!
- What did you do to him?
- Ah, reverend stevens.
- Somebody was supposed
to pick me up.
I had to hitchhike.
Let's get this over with.
- Well, gee,
who did I pick up, then?
[scoffs]
[knocking at door]
- Peter?
Are you in there, peter?
- Yes, mama, I am.
Come on in.
- Oh, hello.
Peter, we found
reverend stevens.
You can stop looking.
- Oh, thank goodness.
- Everything all right
in here?
- Yes, everything's fine, mama.
Everything's great.
Hey, I think
it's wedding time,
Isn't it?
Places, everyone.
Oh, good luck out there.
["here comes the bride" playing]
[processional organ music]
- Good morning.
All: Good morning.
- We are gathered here today
in the sight of god
To join together in marriage
Robert charles barone
And amy louise macdougall.
If there is anyone here
who knows any reason
Why these two people should not
be joined in holy matrimony,
Let them speak now
or forever hold their peace.
We will begin this morning--
- Excuse me.
I need to say something.
- Pardon me?
What was that?
- I'm sorry, but I feel the need
to say something.
- Ma!
- Did you bring your gun?
What do you do now?
- I don't know.
This never happened before.
Well, I guess, speak now.
- Well, I wanted to speak
to robbie before the ceremony,
But he didn't
give me a chance
When we were
in the bathroom together.
- Did she do this to you?
- Honey, this is
only the beginning.
- I'm just so worried
That robbie might
only be getting married today
Because of me.
- Ma, what are you
talking about?
- I may have pressured you
into getting married
And you weren't ready yet.
And I need to do
what's best for my son, don't I?
- Could it not be today?
- I'm sorry.
You know I never
like to interfere.
But I pushed you
because I was so worried
That you'd wind up with nobody,
And even though
this is wonderful and--
And I'm thrilled
to be here
And I love amy--
Hi, amy--
But it all
happened so fast,
I'm not sure how amy's family
feels about you.
- Ma, this is none
of your business.
- How could you say that?
Of course it's my business.
You're my son.
You're my business.
- Do you realize
that you have ruined
Every single event
I've ever had in my life?
- What are you getting
so upset about?
We're just talking.
- The elementary school play?
You tried to put
different pants on me.
- You got yours dirty.
Any mother
would've done the same.
- Not while I was onstage!
Huh?
You don't see
a pattern here?
- A pattern of love.
I mean, for years,
I kept thinking,
If only I had spoken up
at your first wedding
To that terrible dancer.
And as I recall--
As I recall,
You were fine
with me interfering
When you needed someone to throw
that hussy out of the house.
Not that that would
ever happen here, dear.
All I'm saying is,
I love you,
and I love amy,
And I just want to make sure
That you're marrying today
for love and only for love,
Because that's the only way
a marriage can stay together.
Isn't that right, frank?
- I don't know
who you are, lady.
- Robbie, I said
what I had to say,
And it came from love.
Now you do what you want.
This is your life.
I feel better now.
Go ahead, reverend.
- Okay, we're back.
- All right!
And now, here they are,
ladies and gentlemen,
For the first time anywhere,
Robert and amy barone!
[applause]
[jazzy wedding March playing]
All right, and now,
ladies and gentlemen,
The buffet is open.
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Hi.
- So...
Feel different?
- Yeah.
- Life is good.
- Yes.
You're married.
You two looked beautiful
up there,
And...You've got
your health.
- Oh, hello!
Oh, I thought
the ceremony was beautiful.
Didn't you, robbie?
- I'll never forget it.
- I am so happy.
And you know what?
I'm actually starving.
I forgot to eat today,
what with all I had to do.
I'll catch up
with you later.
- Hey, can I have
a beer?
- Sure.
That's $3, sir.
- Jeezaloo!
Hey, look.
Tell you what.
I think I left
my wallet at home
When I changed
into the monkey suit.
Could you
let one slide?
- I'm sorry, sir.
I'm not allowed.
- Aw, come on.
Come on.
Listen, pal, I don't care
what the rules are
At this stinking
hump of a wedding.
I am the father
of the gigantic groom...
And I want beer now.
Beer now, beer now!
- Here.
Please, let me.
- Uh, that's okay.
- No, frank, please.
It's my pleasure.
- Well, uh,
thanks there, hank.
- Sure.
You know, I'm sorry
that our two families
Seem to have gotten off on such
a wrong...What's the word?
Foot.
I mean, I like to think
that I'm a nice fella,
And I was always taught
to find the good in people,
And I would like to
in you, frank.
- Well, I think you are
a nice fella, hank.
But I got to tell you,
You're not gonna find
much good in people
When they drive
all the way to pennsylvania
For a big, long wedding
And you screw them
on the booze.
- Well.
- "well"?
That's all you got?
"well"?
- Yes, because "well"
Is what one says
when one is shocked
But not
particularly surprised
By someone's
boorish behavior.
Well.
- [laughs]
That is so fricking sad.
- Oh, yes, frank,
that's sad?
Well, I want
my money back.
Now who's sad?
Oh, mr. Bartender,
Don't give this man
any alcohol.
He seems to have had
more than enough
Over the course
of his life.
- I'm a veteran!
- A veteran
of the bad manners army.
- Take a hike, boy scout!
- I'll take a hike when...
- Hey, hey, hey,
hold it!
Back it up, calm it down,
And take a look at all
the people at the wedding.
- This phony holy man
and his liquor gouging
Have ruined
an otherwise happy occasion.
So long, cheapskate.
- He gets emotional
at weddings.
- Marie, I need
to say something.
- I know.
Can you believe this food?
- Marie, we're leaving.
Drop the meat.
- What?
We can't leave.
I'm the mother
of the groom.
No matter how horrible
the food is,
I have to stay.
- Hello.
- Oh, pat,
what a wonderful spread.
- Thank you, marie,
But perhaps
frank is right.
Perhaps you should go.
- What?
- You know, this wedding,
whether we like it or not,
Was for amy and robert,
And you shouldn't have
intruded
On their moment of happiness
in the chapel.
- I was doing it for them.
- Oh, marie, I think maybe
you were doing it for you,
And you were
so busy thinking
About what you needed
to express,
You weren't thinking
about anyone else,
Including your son.
I think that's called
narcissism.
- All right.
All right,
that's enough.
Can I speak to you in private,
please, mrs. Macdougall?
Nobody's ever
said that to her before.
You're cool.
- Thank you, ray,
but I don't feel cool.
I feel like
I just contributed
To the whole tone
of the wedding,
Which is bad.
It's ruined,
And that's the last thing
I wanted to do
For my daughter
and her new husband.
- Why do I talk to people?
Listen--
- okay, everybody.
It's time for the toast
from the best man.
Let's give a big
barone-macdougall welcome
To little brother raymond.
Come on, everybody,
bring him up here!
[applause]
- Hey.
Uh...
[clears throat]
Well, I got to be honest.
I didn't know
what I was gonna say today.
Uh...
I wanted to do
a nice toast,
But everybody
does a nice toast.
But I wanted it
to be special,
'cause it's a special day
for my brother, robert,
And his new wife, amy.
So, uh...
I didn't know
what I was gonna say.
But then sometimes material
Presents itself.
Like today, for example--
A lot to talk about.
But I think I can
put a good spin on it.
I think, uh...
I think there's one thing
that can make it all better:
Editing.
Yes, I think there's a portion
of today's ceremony
That we won't need to save
on the videotape.
Editing.
You know, robert and I,
When we remember
our childhood,
We kind of use
that technology
In our heads.
You know, we only remember
the good stuff,
Like the food.
Yeah, we don't remember
when mom would yell at dad
Not to scratch his rear end
with a spatula...
[laughter]
In the bakery.
Editing.
Yeah, you know,
Anybody who knows
our family
Probably wasn't surprised
by what happened today.
I mean, amy knew
what she was getting into
When she married
into this family,
And that's why I got her
a wedding gift
I know she can use:
Cyanide.
Yeah.
And by the way,
robert,
If you think
it was annoying today
When mom interrupted
the ceremony,
Wait till she interrupts
tonight, yeah.
Yeah, "I got to say, robert,
I don't think
you're doing that correctly."
She's involved, our mom.
I liked it today
when my mom said,
"I'm a mother.
You are my business."
You know
what we're waiting for, ma?
Your "going out
of business" sale.
But I think amy understands
That that's
what marriage is about.
I mean, she's not only
getting a husband;
She's getting
an entire mental hospital.
My wife, deb,
likes that, right?
That's my wife over there,
The drunk one.
Yeah.
I'm just playing.
She couldn't be drunk here
Unless she took out a loan
for a whiskey sour.
I want to thank amy's family--
hank and pat--
For throwing
a wonderful party.
They really know
how to throw one, yeah.
Yeah, you know--
You know, if you wanted
my mom to be speechless,
You should've shown her
the buffet before the ceremony.
But I kid.
I kid the macdougalls.
We get along great with them,
Especially with peter,
Who, by the way, ladies,
is still single.
Yeah.
Still single.
But, you know, I'm sure there's
somebody for him out there,
And she'd better be
really out there.
Yeah. Yeah.
And, you know,
one more thing
About the editing.
I, uh...
I think you're gonna remember
about today
What you want to remember.
You know, I guess our brains
are good like that.
Like, I remember my wedding day
As the day
that I got to kiss
The most beautiful girl
in the world.
Yeah.
And I think she remembers it.
At least, I hope she does.
It was a good day,
The start of a lot
of good memories.
We completely blotted out
the part
Where mom was hanging on
to my pants leg,
Yelling, "don't go!
Don't go!"
Yeah, we didn't save
those pictures,
Just the good ones,
Just the good ones.
So here's
to my brother, robert,
And the best thing
that ever happened to him--
My new sister, amy.
You'll keep the good ones.
[cheers]
[applause]
- Oh!
- Ladies and gentlemen,
it is now time
For robert and amy's first dance
as husband and wife
To a song they chose
Especially
for the occasion.
[elvis presley's "a little less
conversation" playing]
- [singing]
a little less conversation
A little more action, please
All this aggravation
ain't satisfactioning me
A little more bite,
a little less bark
A little less fight
and a little more spark
Close your mouth
and open up your heart
And, baby, satisfy me
Satisfy me, baby
Baby, close your eyes
and listen to the music
Drifting through
the summer breeze
It's a groovy night,
and I can show you how to use it
Come along with me
and put your mind at ease
A little less conversation
A little more action, please
All this aggravation
ain't satisfactioning me
A little more bite,
a little less bark
A little less fight
and a little more spark
Close your mouth
and open up your heart
And, baby, satisfy me
- satisfy me
- Satisfy me, baby
- satisfy me
- Come on, baby,
I'm tired of talkin'
Grab your coat
and let's start walkin'
Come on, come on
- come on, come on
- Here they are!
Aren't they beau--
Ray!
I left you up here
an hour ago.
I showered, did my hair,
Got the kids up,
got them dressed.
Kids, go downstairs.
Mommy's yelling.
And you can't even
do yourself?
- What?
I'm ready.
- Everyone is waiting
for you.
Oh, look at this.
Look, this goes on
after the pants, einstein.
Here, get--
Do you realize
that it is a--
It's a three-hour drive
to pennsylvania.
Amy is waiting for me.
Robert is a nervous wreck.
I mean, come on.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
You might be a little too angry
to do the zipper.
- What have you been doing?
- I got the speech--
The fricking toast thing
I got to do.
- Would you stop obsessing
about the toast?
Just say something
funny and heartfelt.
Nobody cares.
- Where is he?
- He's still in there.
- What are you doing?
- What?
I'm coming.
- Would you hurry?
Ma's already yelling at dad,
because he dripped
Egg and cheese sandwich
on his tux.
Just get in the van!
This is the biggest day
of my life.
- That's what you said
at your last wedding.
- What's that,
a smart remark?
- No.
- Huh?
You're bringing up
my first marriage today, huh?
You trying to jinx me, raymond?
- No.
No.
- Don't mess with me today,
raymond, okay?
- I'm just--
- do not mess with me today!
This is my wedding day,
and I'm in no mood for fun!
- Then you're gonna
love marriage.
- [breathing heavily]
[knock on door]
- Robbie?
- Ma, this is the men's room.
- Raymond told me
you were in here.
What are you doing?
- Nothing, ma.
I just wanted a little
alone time before the ceremony.
- Oh, okay.
I'll stay with you.
Can we go somewhere else?
- No, ma, I want
to stay in here.
Remember last time
I got married,
I saw joanne
before the wedding?
I think that put the whammy
on the whole marriage.
- Oh, honey.
The problem there was,
you saw her after the wedding.
- All right,
out, mom.
- No, but--
- no, come on.
You already got gianni
looking for a fire hydrant.
Come on.
Look, look, look,
you want to help?
See if you can find
the reverend guy, okay?
He'll be the one
with the big book.
- Yeah, but I need to talk to--
- no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Whoa, thanks, man.
- Yeah, always happy
to do that.
So how you doing?
You fast, you loose,
you throwing up?
- I'm fine.
You know, just wanted
a little alone time, that's all.
- Yeah.
Let me ask you something.
Now that you and amy
are getting married,
What's the one
"special thing"
That you two have
That a group of people
would want to hear about?
- You've got nothing
for the toast.
- I got plenty.
What do you got?
- Oh!
Great.
You're both here.
- Yeah.
- How's it going?
- Fine, peter.
What is it?
- Well, nothing.
I just wanted to see you two
before blastoff and everything.
What do you think
about the tux?
I rented it.
[clears throat]
- Yeah, that's a good fit.
- Thank you.
Guys, look, this is
really hard for me.
Um, I've had some issues
With this whole
marriage agenda,
But I've had some time
to reflect,
And I realize that
I may have been a wiener.
- No, that's okay, peter.
- No, it's not okay.
We're gonna be family,
And I just--I want to be able
to call you guys--
Both of you,
Brother-man.
- All right.
All right.
Okay.
- [sobbing]
welcome to our lives.
- Okay.
[chuckles]
- It's all right.
Thank you.
Thank you, peter.
- Well, thank you.
And now I shall
take my leave.
Have a great day.
- That psycho's
gonna pull some crap.
Right?
- Yup.
- Now, listen.
You got to stick
with him, raymond.
Go. Go now.
You got to follow him.
- I don't want to be--
- No, no, listen, listen,
just do it.
He's gonna
wreck the wedding.
That guy has squirrels
juggling knives in his head.
- No, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Before I go, one thing funny
and then heartfelt.
- Go!
- Look out.
I got egg and cheese sandwich
on my crotch.
- Oh, great.
Great!
- What's your problem?
- Nothing.
Nothing, dad.
How are you today?
- None too happy.
I just found out
it's gonna be a cash bar.
And the scuttlebutt is,
the food will be skimpy.
- Yeah, and of course,
the only reason
Why you're here today
Is so you can
stuff your face.
- I enjoy life.
So anyway, no offense,
but the party's gonna blow.
- Well, I think it's nice
that the macdougalls
Have offered to help me and amy
pay for the wedding at all.
- You saying I should've
chipped in?
- No.
[stammers]
- I chipped in
your last wedding
And ray's wedding.
And by the way,
The broad's family
is supposed to pay,
And it is to be
a full bar
Free of charge
With top-shelf hooch.
Read your bible.
- Must've missed that passage.
- You got some nerve complaining
I haven't given enough.
Need I remind you
of 40 years of room
And enormous amounts of board?
- Look, dad, dad,
I'm sorry, okay?
I'm just a little,
you know--
I want it to go well today,
So I apologize.
I appreciate everything,
And you're a sensational father.
- Well, you know,
I apologize too.
I guess everyone's
kind of on edge today,
But you'll be okay.
You're used to this
type of thing,
Being a cop,
seeing murders, and whatnot.
- Thanks.
I feel better.
- Good.
Let's hope you
picked a winner this time.
[indistinct chatter]
- Hey.
- Hey, ray.
All: Hi, ray.
- Hi.
Hi.
So how's my groom?
- He's, you know, stoked.
- Aw.
- So how's it going in here?
- Going great.
Doesn't amy look beautiful?
- Yeah.
I don't know when
I have been so excited.
It's so romantic.
Everybody's crying.
- That's what it's all about.
- Yeah.
You look so handsome.
Oh, I am just gonna
dance with you all day.
- Yeah?
Somebody's been popping
the champagne already?
- No!
No, it's just--
Come on!
It's a wedding.
Get into it.
You know, the romance,
the love that's all around us.
Can't you suck it up
for one day?
- I'm into it.
I'm sucking.
- You're dancing
with me today, jerkwad.
- You haven't called me that
since our wedding.
- Amy, where's your mom?
- Oh, she's running around
Like a headless chicken
making sure...
[imitating mother]
all the relatives
Are comfortable
and are seated properly.
[all laugh]
Oh, dear, tiny aunt florence.
Can you see from there?
Would you like a cushion
or a phone book?
[all laugh]
[normal voice]
hi, mom!
- Hello.
- I'm sorry, mother.
You know I was
just fooling around.
- Oh, I know, honey.
That never bothers me.
And you're so good at it.
And you look
so beautiful today, and--
[sobbing]
- What?
What?
- I'm sorry.
I guess I pictured
my little girl's wedding
A certain way.
I used to worry
about telling you
What to expect--
You know,
on your wedding night?
But you and robert
have already--
- Mother, please!
- I'm sorry.
You're right, sweetie.
I know it's a different world.
All fun all the time.
But look at you.
You're like an angel
dropped from heaven,
And you've always been that
for me and your father.
- Thanks, mom.
- I'd better go.
That phone book for
aunt florence is a good idea.
Oh, my, we're supposed
to get started in five minutes,
And I haven't seen
reverend stevens yet.
Peter?
- Yes, mama?
- Honey, you picked up
reverend stevens this morning,
Didn't you?
- Why, yes, of course,
I did, mama.
I have no idea where that rascal
could've gotten to,
But I'm on it.
- Did peter come in here?
- Yeah, he's in there.
- Peter?
Come on, peter,
I know you're in there.
- I'm very busy.
- What's going on?
- He was supposed
to pick up the reverend guy,
And nobody can find him.
- Peter, come out there
right now!
- Let's go!
- I can see you!
- What did you do to him?
- Ah, reverend stevens.
- Somebody was supposed
to pick me up.
I had to hitchhike.
Let's get this over with.
- Well, gee,
who did I pick up, then?
[scoffs]
[knocking at door]
- Peter?
Are you in there, peter?
- Yes, mama, I am.
Come on in.
- Oh, hello.
Peter, we found
reverend stevens.
You can stop looking.
- Oh, thank goodness.
- Everything all right
in here?
- Yes, everything's fine, mama.
Everything's great.
Hey, I think
it's wedding time,
Isn't it?
Places, everyone.
Oh, good luck out there.
["here comes the bride" playing]
[processional organ music]
- Good morning.
All: Good morning.
- We are gathered here today
in the sight of god
To join together in marriage
Robert charles barone
And amy louise macdougall.
If there is anyone here
who knows any reason
Why these two people should not
be joined in holy matrimony,
Let them speak now
or forever hold their peace.
We will begin this morning--
- Excuse me.
I need to say something.
- Pardon me?
What was that?
- I'm sorry, but I feel the need
to say something.
- Ma!
- Did you bring your gun?
What do you do now?
- I don't know.
This never happened before.
Well, I guess, speak now.
- Well, I wanted to speak
to robbie before the ceremony,
But he didn't
give me a chance
When we were
in the bathroom together.
- Did she do this to you?
- Honey, this is
only the beginning.
- I'm just so worried
That robbie might
only be getting married today
Because of me.
- Ma, what are you
talking about?
- I may have pressured you
into getting married
And you weren't ready yet.
And I need to do
what's best for my son, don't I?
- Could it not be today?
- I'm sorry.
You know I never
like to interfere.
But I pushed you
because I was so worried
That you'd wind up with nobody,
And even though
this is wonderful and--
And I'm thrilled
to be here
And I love amy--
Hi, amy--
But it all
happened so fast,
I'm not sure how amy's family
feels about you.
- Ma, this is none
of your business.
- How could you say that?
Of course it's my business.
You're my son.
You're my business.
- Do you realize
that you have ruined
Every single event
I've ever had in my life?
- What are you getting
so upset about?
We're just talking.
- The elementary school play?
You tried to put
different pants on me.
- You got yours dirty.
Any mother
would've done the same.
- Not while I was onstage!
Huh?
You don't see
a pattern here?
- A pattern of love.
I mean, for years,
I kept thinking,
If only I had spoken up
at your first wedding
To that terrible dancer.
And as I recall--
As I recall,
You were fine
with me interfering
When you needed someone to throw
that hussy out of the house.
Not that that would
ever happen here, dear.
All I'm saying is,
I love you,
and I love amy,
And I just want to make sure
That you're marrying today
for love and only for love,
Because that's the only way
a marriage can stay together.
Isn't that right, frank?
- I don't know
who you are, lady.
- Robbie, I said
what I had to say,
And it came from love.
Now you do what you want.
This is your life.
I feel better now.
Go ahead, reverend.
- Okay, we're back.
- All right!
And now, here they are,
ladies and gentlemen,
For the first time anywhere,
Robert and amy barone!
[applause]
[jazzy wedding March playing]
All right, and now,
ladies and gentlemen,
The buffet is open.
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Hi.
- So...
Feel different?
- Yeah.
- Life is good.
- Yes.
You're married.
You two looked beautiful
up there,
And...You've got
your health.
- Oh, hello!
Oh, I thought
the ceremony was beautiful.
Didn't you, robbie?
- I'll never forget it.
- I am so happy.
And you know what?
I'm actually starving.
I forgot to eat today,
what with all I had to do.
I'll catch up
with you later.
- Hey, can I have
a beer?
- Sure.
That's $3, sir.
- Jeezaloo!
Hey, look.
Tell you what.
I think I left
my wallet at home
When I changed
into the monkey suit.
Could you
let one slide?
- I'm sorry, sir.
I'm not allowed.
- Aw, come on.
Come on.
Listen, pal, I don't care
what the rules are
At this stinking
hump of a wedding.
I am the father
of the gigantic groom...
And I want beer now.
Beer now, beer now!
- Here.
Please, let me.
- Uh, that's okay.
- No, frank, please.
It's my pleasure.
- Well, uh,
thanks there, hank.
- Sure.
You know, I'm sorry
that our two families
Seem to have gotten off on such
a wrong...What's the word?
Foot.
I mean, I like to think
that I'm a nice fella,
And I was always taught
to find the good in people,
And I would like to
in you, frank.
- Well, I think you are
a nice fella, hank.
But I got to tell you,
You're not gonna find
much good in people
When they drive
all the way to pennsylvania
For a big, long wedding
And you screw them
on the booze.
- Well.
- "well"?
That's all you got?
"well"?
- Yes, because "well"
Is what one says
when one is shocked
But not
particularly surprised
By someone's
boorish behavior.
Well.
- [laughs]
That is so fricking sad.
- Oh, yes, frank,
that's sad?
Well, I want
my money back.
Now who's sad?
Oh, mr. Bartender,
Don't give this man
any alcohol.
He seems to have had
more than enough
Over the course
of his life.
- I'm a veteran!
- A veteran
of the bad manners army.
- Take a hike, boy scout!
- I'll take a hike when...
- Hey, hey, hey,
hold it!
Back it up, calm it down,
And take a look at all
the people at the wedding.
- This phony holy man
and his liquor gouging
Have ruined
an otherwise happy occasion.
So long, cheapskate.
- He gets emotional
at weddings.
- Marie, I need
to say something.
- I know.
Can you believe this food?
- Marie, we're leaving.
Drop the meat.
- What?
We can't leave.
I'm the mother
of the groom.
No matter how horrible
the food is,
I have to stay.
- Hello.
- Oh, pat,
what a wonderful spread.
- Thank you, marie,
But perhaps
frank is right.
Perhaps you should go.
- What?
- You know, this wedding,
whether we like it or not,
Was for amy and robert,
And you shouldn't have
intruded
On their moment of happiness
in the chapel.
- I was doing it for them.
- Oh, marie, I think maybe
you were doing it for you,
And you were
so busy thinking
About what you needed
to express,
You weren't thinking
about anyone else,
Including your son.
I think that's called
narcissism.
- All right.
All right,
that's enough.
Can I speak to you in private,
please, mrs. Macdougall?
Nobody's ever
said that to her before.
You're cool.
- Thank you, ray,
but I don't feel cool.
I feel like
I just contributed
To the whole tone
of the wedding,
Which is bad.
It's ruined,
And that's the last thing
I wanted to do
For my daughter
and her new husband.
- Why do I talk to people?
Listen--
- okay, everybody.
It's time for the toast
from the best man.
Let's give a big
barone-macdougall welcome
To little brother raymond.
Come on, everybody,
bring him up here!
[applause]
- Hey.
Uh...
[clears throat]
Well, I got to be honest.
I didn't know
what I was gonna say today.
Uh...
I wanted to do
a nice toast,
But everybody
does a nice toast.
But I wanted it
to be special,
'cause it's a special day
for my brother, robert,
And his new wife, amy.
So, uh...
I didn't know
what I was gonna say.
But then sometimes material
Presents itself.
Like today, for example--
A lot to talk about.
But I think I can
put a good spin on it.
I think, uh...
I think there's one thing
that can make it all better:
Editing.
Yes, I think there's a portion
of today's ceremony
That we won't need to save
on the videotape.
Editing.
You know, robert and I,
When we remember
our childhood,
We kind of use
that technology
In our heads.
You know, we only remember
the good stuff,
Like the food.
Yeah, we don't remember
when mom would yell at dad
Not to scratch his rear end
with a spatula...
[laughter]
In the bakery.
Editing.
Yeah, you know,
Anybody who knows
our family
Probably wasn't surprised
by what happened today.
I mean, amy knew
what she was getting into
When she married
into this family,
And that's why I got her
a wedding gift
I know she can use:
Cyanide.
Yeah.
And by the way,
robert,
If you think
it was annoying today
When mom interrupted
the ceremony,
Wait till she interrupts
tonight, yeah.
Yeah, "I got to say, robert,
I don't think
you're doing that correctly."
She's involved, our mom.
I liked it today
when my mom said,
"I'm a mother.
You are my business."
You know
what we're waiting for, ma?
Your "going out
of business" sale.
But I think amy understands
That that's
what marriage is about.
I mean, she's not only
getting a husband;
She's getting
an entire mental hospital.
My wife, deb,
likes that, right?
That's my wife over there,
The drunk one.
Yeah.
I'm just playing.
She couldn't be drunk here
Unless she took out a loan
for a whiskey sour.
I want to thank amy's family--
hank and pat--
For throwing
a wonderful party.
They really know
how to throw one, yeah.
Yeah, you know--
You know, if you wanted
my mom to be speechless,
You should've shown her
the buffet before the ceremony.
But I kid.
I kid the macdougalls.
We get along great with them,
Especially with peter,
Who, by the way, ladies,
is still single.
Yeah.
Still single.
But, you know, I'm sure there's
somebody for him out there,
And she'd better be
really out there.
Yeah. Yeah.
And, you know,
one more thing
About the editing.
I, uh...
I think you're gonna remember
about today
What you want to remember.
You know, I guess our brains
are good like that.
Like, I remember my wedding day
As the day
that I got to kiss
The most beautiful girl
in the world.
Yeah.
And I think she remembers it.
At least, I hope she does.
It was a good day,
The start of a lot
of good memories.
We completely blotted out
the part
Where mom was hanging on
to my pants leg,
Yelling, "don't go!
Don't go!"
Yeah, we didn't save
those pictures,
Just the good ones,
Just the good ones.
So here's
to my brother, robert,
And the best thing
that ever happened to him--
My new sister, amy.
You'll keep the good ones.
[cheers]
[applause]
- Oh!
- Ladies and gentlemen,
it is now time
For robert and amy's first dance
as husband and wife
To a song they chose
Especially
for the occasion.
[elvis presley's "a little less
conversation" playing]
- [singing]
a little less conversation
A little more action, please
All this aggravation
ain't satisfactioning me
A little more bite,
a little less bark
A little less fight
and a little more spark
Close your mouth
and open up your heart
And, baby, satisfy me
Satisfy me, baby
Baby, close your eyes
and listen to the music
Drifting through
the summer breeze
It's a groovy night,
and I can show you how to use it
Come along with me
and put your mind at ease
A little less conversation
A little more action, please
All this aggravation
ain't satisfactioning me
A little more bite,
a little less bark
A little less fight
and a little more spark
Close your mouth
and open up your heart
And, baby, satisfy me
- satisfy me
- Satisfy me, baby
- satisfy me
- Come on, baby,
I'm tired of talkin'
Grab your coat
and let's start walkin'
Come on, come on
- come on, come on