Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 7, Episode 23 - The Bachelor Party - full transcript

- I GOT TO TELL YOU, RAY,

THIS IS THE WORST BACHELOR PARTY
I'VE EVER BEEN TO.

- I'M ENJOYING IT.

- COME ON.

IT'S HIS LAST CHANCE FOR FUN
BEFORE HE MOVES OUT

AND BECOMES MR. AMY MACDOUGALL.

BESIDES,
WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT?

YOU'VE WON EVERY HAND.

- IT'S THREE PEOPLE.
I'M UP 35¢.

- HOW MANY YOU WANT?

- THREE.



[knock at door]

- ALL RIGHT...

WHAT'D YOU GUYS DO?

WHO'S THIS GONNA BE?

HECTOR?

- I NEED TO SHOW A GUY
THE APARTMENT.

I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF MY BACHELOR PARTY.

- WE'LL JUST BE ONE SECOND.

THIS IS THE LIVING ROOM,
AND HERE IS THE KITCHEN.

THE BEDROOM'S BACK THERE.

DON'T WORRY,
I HAVE A CHEMICAL

THAT WILL COMPLETELY
TAKE CARE OF THE SMELL.

- I'M KINDA LOOKING
FOR SOMETHING A LITTLE BIGGER.

- BIGGER?
NO, NO, NO.



HE'S LIVED HERE
FOR FOUR YEARS,

AND HE'S MUY GRANDE.

- THAT'S OKAY.

SORRY TO BOTHER YOU GUYS.

- ALL RIGHT,
SO WHERE WERE WE?

HECTOR.

HECTOR.

- YOU SAID YOUR DISPOSAL
IS BROKEN.

- I CALLED YOU THREE MONTHS AGO.

- SO HERE I AM.

- LOOK, HECTOR, IF...

[disposal rattling]

- ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

FORGET ABOUT IT.
HOW MANY YOU WANT?

- GIVE ME TWO.

[pager beeping]

- OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT'S MY BEEPER.

- SO.

- THIS IS THAT WAITRESS I MET.

SHE SAID SHE'D PAGE ME IF WE
COULD HOOK UP AFTER WORK.

- WELL, SO CALL HER AND TELL HER
YOU'LL SEE HER LATER.

- RAY, THIS GIRL
IS INTO ME RIGHT NOW.

TIME IS MY ENEMY.

- WELL, WHOA, WAIT.

IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE PARTY.

- HEY, I'M SORRY, MAN.

I MEAN, YOU UNDERSTAND, RIGHT?

- OH, YEAH, OF COURSE.

I MEAN, I'M GETTING MARRIED,
BUT I'M STILL A GUY, RIGHT?

- THANKS, ROBERT.

AMY'S A GREAT GIRL.
I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST.

LET'S GO, RAY.

- I'M NOT--I'M NOT GOING.

- MY CAR IS AT YOUR HOUSE,
YOU IDIOT.

YOU'VE GOT TO DRIVE ME BACK.

- OH.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I'LL JUST-
I'LL DRIVE HIM,

AND THEN--
AND THEN I'LL COME BACK FOR YOU.

- NO, LOOKIT,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
OF COURSE I'M COMING BACK.

THIS IS YOUR SPECIAL NIGHT.

[disposal rattling]

- NO, LISTEN, IT'S OKAY.
IT'S GETTING LATE.

YOU PROBABLY HAVE A LOT OF STUFF
TO DO TOMORROW.

- WELL, ALL RIGHT.
YOU SURE?

- OH, YEAH, YEAH,
THIS WAS FUN.

I HAD A GREAT TIME.

- YEAH, IT WAS FUN.
- ALL RIGHT.

- ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, YOU DOPE.

- WELL, ALL FINISHED.

- OH, THANKS, HECTOR.

- ROBERT,

LET ME ASK YOU JUST MAN TO MAN,

WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

- HEY.

- HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOME?

- NOTHING.

WE HAD THE PARTY,
AND IT'S DONE.

- THE BACHELOR PARTY'S
OVER ALREADY?

- YEP.

- RAY, IT'S 8:30.

- HEY, UH, I WANT
SOME OF THIS JELL-O,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO GET A SPOON.

IS THAT GONNA UPSET YOU?

- RAYMOND, HOW COULD YOU?

- WE JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE
WITH ROBERT.

- HE TOLD US ABOUT
YOUR SO-CALLED PARTY.

YOU COMPLETELY LET HIM DOWN
ON HIS SPECIAL NIGHT.

- WHAT?
WE HAD A GOOD TIME.

- THEN WHY DID HE SOUND
SO DEPRESSED?

- BECAUSE HE'S ROBERT.

- HE TOLD ME HE SPENT
THE LAST HALF HOUR

GAMBLING WITH HIS SUPER.

THE PARTY KEPT GOING
EVEN AFTER I LEFT.

- HE LOST HIS SECURITY DEPOSIT.

- HOW IS THAT A PARTY?

- LOOK, THIS IS WHAT
ROBERT WANTED.

WHEN WE TALKED ABOUT IT,

HE SAID,
"DON'T MAKE A BIG DEAL."

- WELL, OF COURSE
HE SAID THAT.

WHEN SOMEONE SAYS,
"DON'T MAKE A BIG DEAL,"

IT ALWAYS MEANS
MAKE A BIG DEAL.

- NO, NO. ROBERT DOESN'T DO
THAT WOMANISH DOUBLE-TALK.

- ACTUALLY,
HE'S BEEN TALKING ABOUT

A BACHELOR PARTY FOR MONTHS.

- HE HAS?

- YES;
HE WAS ALL EXCITED

WONDERING WHAT YOU
HAD IN STORE FOR HIM.

I'M SORRY, RAY.

I DON'T WANT TO MAKE YOU
FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS.

I JUST THINK THAT MAYBE YOU...

REALLY SCREWED UP.

- OH.

- RAYMOND, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER PARTY.

- YES, AND THIS TIME, DO IT
THE WAY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO.

MAKE IT A BIG DEAL.

- DEBRA'S RIGHT.

- RAY, HE'S YOUR BROTHER.

MAKE IT SOMETHING
HE'LL REMEMBER.

- ARE YOU GIVING ME PERMISSION
TO GET A STRIPPER?

[together]
NO.

- WELL, WHAT, THEN?
WHAT ARE WE TALKIN' ABOUT?

- JUST MAKE A FUN PARTY,
A BIG SHINDIG.

- A "SHINDIG"?

- OH, COULD HE INVITE
MY FATHER AND MY BROTHER?

- WELL, WAIT A MINUTE;
THEY HARDLY KNOW ROBERT...

OR LIKE HIM.

- YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, THIS PARTY
COULD BE THE FIRST STEP

IN BRINGING EVERYBODY TOGETHER
AND ENDING THE TENSION.

OOH, NOW I AM
GETTING EXCITED.

- OOH, ME TOO.

- LISTEN, ASK FRANK IF HE CAN
HAVE IT AT THE LODGE.

- HE CAN MAKE IT
A SURPRISE PARTY.

- OOH, YES.

AND WHEN ROBERT COMES IN,

EVERYBODY SHOULD SING
"FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW."

- OH. CAN YOU IMAGINE
HIS FACE?

- OH. AND I'LL TELL
HIS COUSIN GERARD

TO BRING HIS ACCORDION.

- I LOVE GERARD.

OH, THAT SOUNDS WONDERFUL.

RAY, MAKE SURE
WHEN YOU CALL THE GUYS

YOU TO TELL 'EM
IT'S A SURPRISE PARTY.

- OH, THEY'LL BE SURPRISED.

- RAY, YOU'RE DOING THIS.

- I'M NOT HAVING A SHINDIGGY,

ACCORDIONIC SING-A-LONG
AT THE LODGE.

I MEAN,
DO YOU HEAR YOURSELVES?

THIS IS AS LAME AS IT GETS.

- NO, RAYMOND.

WHEN A PERSON BREAKS THE HEART
OF HIS ONLY BROTHER...

THAT'S AS LAME AS IT GETS.

- ALL RIGHT.

- OOH, GOOD.

THANK YOU, RAYMOND.

- YES, THANKS, RAY.

- THIS IS A GOOD THING
YOU'RE DOING.

YOU KNOW, WHETHER SOMEONE
SAYS SO OR NOT,

EVERYBODY LIKES TO BE
TREATED SPECIAL.

- LISTEN, IF YOU WANT TO
TREAT ME SPECIAL RIGHT NOW...

- I'M A LITTLE TIRED.

I'VE GOT JELL-O.

- HEY, GARVIN.

- HEY, RAY'S HERE.

HA HA HA HA HA.

- LISTEN,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE OUTSIDE
WATCHING FOR ROBERT.

COME ON.

- OH, YEAH.
I'D BETTER GET OUT THERE.

HEY, LOOK OUT.

- RAY, YOU KNOW,
THEY GOT NO ALCOHOL HERE.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THERE'S A BAR RIGHT HERE.

- YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BRING
YOUR OWN LIQUOR, DOPEY.

WE DON'T KEEP LIQUOR HERE
AT THE LODGE.

- YOU GUYS SWIM NAKED TOGETHER.

YOU--YOU'RE TELLING ME
THERE'S NO ALCOHOL INVOLVED?

- NO, WE LOST
OUR LIQUOR LICENSE

AFTER VINNIE TRIED TO SHOOT
AN OWL WITH A FLARE GUN.

- SO A BACHELOR PARTY
WITH NO ALCOHOL.

NICE GOIN', RAY.

- HEY, RAY, CHECK IT OUT.

[playing
"For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"]

- THAT'S GOOD.
IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU DO IT OVER THERE.

THIS WAY, WHEN HE COMES IN...
YOU'RE OVER THERE.

- SURE.
I'LL STAY LIMBER.

[continues playing]

- HEY, RAY,

LET ME USE YOUR BELT
SO I CAN HANG MYSELF.

- COME ON, HUH?
IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

- UH...YEAH, IT IS.

- HELLO, RAYMOND.

- OH, HEY.
HI, HANK.

- WELL, IF IT ISN'T
HICKORY AND DICKORY.

- HELLO, FRANK.

- HELLO, HICKORY.

- DAD, COME ON.

GUYS, I'M REALLY GLAD
YOU COULD COME.

- WELL, AMY HAD
A LONG TALK WITH ME,

AND SHE'S ASKED ME TO...

MAKE AN EFFORT
WITH YOUR FAMILY.

- AND I'M GONNA
MAKE AN EFFORT,

BECAUSE I'M A CHRISTIAN.

- HEY, RAY, YOU WANT
TO LIVEN THINGS UP?

I'LL PUT IN A CALL
TO CAROL.

SHE'S A REAL FAVORITE
AT THESE KIND OF EVENTS.

- OH, MY.

- NO, THAT'S OKAY.

LOOK, STAN, NO STRIPPERS.

- GOOD FOR YOU, RAYMOND.

- NO STRIPPERS?

- NO STRIPPERS?
- COME ON.

- I HAD MY BOSS
PAY ME IN SINGLES.

- WE'RE OUT OF HERE, RAY.

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
NO, YOU GUYS CAN'T LEAVE, MAN.

- NO DRINKING?
NO STRIPPERS?

I'M A MARRIED MAN.
YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.

- LOOK, I'M SORRY, ALL RIGHT?
COME ON, GUYS.

EVERYBODY COME HERE, PLEASE.

LISTEN, EVERYBODY,
PLEASE LISTEN TO ME.

I'M UNDER
A LOT OF PRESSURE HERE

TO MAKE SURE ROBERT
HAS A GOOD TIME, OKAY?

NOW, I'M SORRY
THERE'S NO DRINKS.

I'M SORRY
THERE'S NO STRIPPERS.

[discontented chattering]

ALL RIGHT, I KNOW.

LOOK, WE COULD ALL WATCH TV
TILL ROBERT GETS HERE, OKAY?

THERE, WATCH THE GAME.

EVERYBODY, PLEASE,
JUST WATCH THE GAME.

HEY. HEY. HEY.

WHAT...
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

- IT'S THE BANNER YOU ORDERED.

- IT'S SUPPOSED TO SAY
"CONGRATULATIONS, ROBERT."

- I THINK ON THE PHONE
YOU SAID, "WOODY."

- NO. NO.

ROBERT.
"CONGRATULATIONS, ROBERT."

I CAN'T USE THIS.

- WELL, WE'VE GOT SOME BALLOONS,

BUT WE CAN'T BLOW 'EM UP.

- LOOK, JUST GET SOMETHING.

WE'LL COVER UP THE "WOODY" PART.

JUST GET SOMETHING,
AND WE'LL COVER IT UP.

- HEY, RAY.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

WHO'S WOODY?

- YOU ARE.

- WHAT?

[playing
"For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"]

- ♪ FOR HE'S
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

♪ FOR HE'S
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

♪ WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY

- WHOO-HOO.

THEY WERE SUPPOSED
TO SING ALONG,

BUT I FORGOT TO TELL 'EM.

- WOW.

SO ALL THESE PEOPLE
ARE HERE...FOR ME?

- YEAH, YEAH, IT'S YOUR, UH,
SURPRISE BACHELOR PARTY.

SURPRISE.

[all, weakly]
SURPRISE.

- WOW.

I HAD NO IDEA.
THANK YOU.

WITH A CHANGE OF PANTS FOR DAD,
I WAS PREPARED FOR THE WORST.

- YEAH.

- BUT YOU ALREADY HAD A PARTY
FOR ME AT MY APARTMENT.

- YEAH, BUT THAT WAS LAME.

OR--OR THE DECOY OR SOMETHING.

THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT?

- OH.

- HE'S COMING.

- YEAH, UH...

HE'S ACTUALLY RIGHT HERE,
GARVIN.

- OH.

I SAW HIM GET OUT OF THE CAR.

BUT THEN I MUST HAVE DOZED OFF.

- WOW, RAYMOND.

SO YOU DID ALL OF THIS
FOR ME, HUH?

- YEAH.

- THE PLACE LOOKS GREAT.

- YOU LIKE THIS?

- WHO WOULDN'T?

- WELL...THAT'S GREAT.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAPPY.

- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, RAYMOND?

YOU'RE GLAD THAT I'M HAPPY?

- YEAH. ACTUALLY, YEAH.

HEY, HEY.
LOOK WHO'S HERE.

- HELLO, ROBERT.

CONGRATULATIONS.

- YEAH, DUDE.

- HOW ARE YOU?

THAT YOU TWO CAME
REALLY MEANS A LOT TO ME.

- YEAH, IT'S GOOD.
IT'S NICE.

HANK, YOU WANT SOME SODA?

- ACTUALLY, I NEVER DRINK
CARBONATED BEVERAGES.

- SO HOW ARE YOU DOING?

- OH,
I'M DOING GREAT.

IT'S NICE TO HAVE
ALL THESE FRIENDS HERE.

- YEAH.

SO, UH, AMY TOLD ME

THAT RAY THREW YOU ANOTHER ONE
OF THESE PARTIES LAST WEEK.

LIKE, UH, A REALLY BAD ONE, HUH?

- YEAH.
YEAH, THE DECOY.

- OH...THAT WAS A DECOY.

JEEZ, WELL, YOU KNOW,
NOW I'M CONFUSED,

BECAUSE, UM, I HAD HEARD
THAT BECAUSE OF THAT ONE,

AMY, DEBRA, AND YOUR MOM

FORCED RAY INTO
THROWING THIS ONE.

YEAH.

NO, I MEAN, JEEZ,
AMY BEGGED US TO COME,

BUT, UH...

HEY, IT TURNED OUT GREAT, RIGHT?

LOOK, EVERYONE'S HAVING A BLAST.

JEEZ.

YOUR BROTHER MUST
REALLY LOVE YOU, THERE...

WOODY.

RAY, HEY, HAPPENIN' PARTY.

- WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH YOU?

- WHAT?

- WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO HIM?

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

DAD?

I THINK I'M GETTING
ONE OF MY DIZZY SPELLS.

DO YOU THINK MAYBE
WE COULD LEAVE NOW?

- BUT WE JUST GOT HERE.

- YOU KNOW, RAY,
I WOULD LOVE

BUT I AM REALLY GETTING
LIGHT-HEADED HERE, SORRY.

IS SOMEONE WEARING
A CITRUS-BASED COLOGNE?

COME ON, DAD--

- NO, NO.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

- HEY, HEY, HEY.

NOW, DON'T GO ALL MAFIA
ON ME HERE, OKAY?

- MAYBE WE SHOULD
GO HOME, SON.

YOU CAN LIE DOWN IN THE VAN.

RAYMOND, THANKS SO MUCH
FOR INVITING US.

I ENJOYED THE FACT THAT YOU
DIDN'T HAVE STRIPPING WOMEN.

- WHY DIDN'T YOU PUNCH THAT GUY
IN THE NOSE?

- ALL RIGHT, DAD, NOT NOW, OKAY?

- I WAS READY
TO DECK THAT HANK.

- OKAY, EVERYBODY GO BACK
TO PARTYING. GO.

HEY, LISTEN, ROBERT,
SORRY, YOU KNOW, ABOUT HIM.

HE'S CRAZY.
YOU KNOW HIM.

HE'S PETER, PETER,
RITALIN EATER.

- IT'S TRUE WHAT HE SAID,
RAYMOND, ISN'T IT?

- WELL, THAT THE GIRLS MADE YOU
THROW ME THIS PARTY

AND THAT THE OTHER ONE
WASN'T A DECOY AND...

THAT THAT WAS ALL
YOU WERE GONNA DO.

- NO, MAN.
NO. NO.

- NOW, NOW, LOOK, RAYMOND,
IT'S OKAY.

I KNOW YOU.

I KNOW THAT SOMETIMES
YOU CAN BE A LITTLE SELFISH

AND THOUGHTLESS...
DISHONEST.

YOU REMEMBER HALLOWEEN...

1967?

YOU UNWRAPPED A CHOCOLATE BAR
OUT OF MY BAG

AND REPLACED IT
WITH A CAT POO.

- I'M SORRY.

I DON'T BLAME YOU
FOR BEING MAD AT ME.

- I'M NOT MAD AT YOU, RAYMOND.

AND YOU KNOW WHY?

- BECAUSE SOMEWHERE THERE'S
A CAT POO WAITING FOR ME?

- NO.

IN SPITE OF ALL OF THIS,

WHEN YOU SAID
THAT YOU WERE HAPPY,

THAT I WAS HAPPY,

YOU MEANT THAT.

AND THAT WAS THE BEST SURPRISE.

- YEAH, OKAY--
- NO, NO.

NO, YOU...YOU MEANT THAT.

AND THAT MEANS THE MOST TO ME.

I'VE GOT TO HUG YOU.
COME HERE.

COME HERE.

- HEY, YOU WANT TO GET OUT
OF HERE AND GET SOME DRINKS?

- THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

- HEY, HEY, GUYS,
WE'RE HITTIN' A BAR.

- WHOO.
- LET'S GO.

- HEY, LOOK.
THEY SERVED CAKE.

- GOOD OL' WOODY.

- TRY ONE OF THESE.

both: HI.

- HELLO, LADIES.

- DID YOU BOYS HAVE A GOOD TIME?

- YES, WE DID.

- SO GOOD THAT WE HAD TO
TAKE A CAB HOME.

- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
TELL THEM EVERYTHING?

HI, MOMMY.

- OH, I LOVE TO SEE
YOU BOYS LIKE THIS.

- LOADED?

- NO, HAPPY.
LOOK AT THEM.

- SO THE PARTY
WAS A BIG SUCCESS, HUH?

- THE PARTY...STUNK.

BUT NEVER UNDERESTIMATE
THE IMPORTANCE

OF THE AFTER PARTY.

- YES.
- NO.

- YES.
- NO.

- YES.
- NO.

- YES.
- YES. HAH.

- UH-OH.

SO WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO?

- ENOUGH TALKING.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE ME HOME.

- OH, MY.

- I BET THERE WERE STRIPPERS.

WERE THERE STRIPPERS?

- NO.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.

HI.

- OH, GOD.
EVERY WOMAN'S DREAM.

- I CAN IMAGINE WHAT'S
WAITING FOR ME AT HOME.

GOOD NIGHT.

- SHALL WE?

- I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU
LIKE THIS.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA THROW UP,
ARE YOU?

- I ALREADY DID.

- [sighs]

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

- NOTHIN'.

BUT I KNOW I'M GOIN' UPSTAIRS
WITH ONE OF YOU TWO.