Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 7, Episode 22 - Baggage - full transcript

Ray and Debra have a three-week-fight over who's going to put the suitcase away.

- HEY, WHAT'S UP?

- WANT SOME CHEESE?

- WHAT IS ALL THAT?

- I HELPED SOME GUY
GET A JOB AT THE PAPER,

SO HE GAVE ME, LIKE,
A CHEESE SAMPLER.

- YOU'VE DONE NOTHING
BUT EAT CHEESE ALL DAY.

- I CAN'T STOP.

- THAT'S A NICE SUITCASE.

CAN I BORROW THAT
WHEN I GO ON MY HONEYMOON?

- YEAH. FINE.

I'M SURE THE THING
WILL STILL BE SITTIN' THERE.



- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- REMEMBER WHEN DEBRA AND I

WENT TO CONNECTICUT
FOR THE WEEKEND?

- SURE, RAYMOND.

I REMEMBER EVERY ONE
OF YOUR COMINGS AND GOINGS.

YOU'RE MY WHOLE LIFE.

- YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT
OR NOT?

- SADLY, YES.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,
WE GO AWAY,

AND WE ONLY TAKE
THE ONE SUITCASE WITH US.

WE HAD A GOOD TIME
GETTIN' AWAY AND EVERYTHING,

BUT WHEN WE GOT HOME,
WE WERE VERY TIRED,

SO WE JUST
DROPPED EVERYTHING,

WOKE UP THE GRUESOME TWOSOME
THAT WERE HERE BABYSITTING,



AND WENT UP TO BED.

THE SUITCASE
WAS SITTIN' ON THE LANDING.

THAT WAS TWO WEEKS AGO.

SO LIFE JUST KINDA WENT ON,

BUT THEN, AFTER A FEW DAYS,

I NOTICED IT WAS STILL THERE.

AT FIRST, I THOUGHT DEBRA
JUST HADN'T GOTTEN TO IT YET,

BUT THEN
IT WAS, LIKE, A WEEK.

- SO WHY DIDN'T YOU
JUST MOVE IT YOURSELF?

- BECAUSE I'M AT WORK
ALL DAY.

- OH, AND WHAT DEBRA'S DOING
ISN'T WORK?

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YOU'RE MR. SENSITIVE.

WHAT I'M SAYING IS
THAT DEBRA'S HERE.

SHE'S WALKIN' BY IT
A HUNDRED TIMES A DAY.

IT SHOULD BE
DRIVIN' HER NUTS BY NOW.

AT THAT POINT,
I WAS LIKE, "FINE.

DOESN'T BOTHER HER,
IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME."

THEN A FEW DAYS LATER,

I NOTICE HER
WEARING A SWEATER

THAT SHE BROUGHT WITH HER
ON THE TRIP.

- SO?

- SO THAT MEANS SHE
TOOK IT OUT OF THE SUITCASE.

IS THAT PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
OR WHAT?

SO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?

I TOOK MY CLOTHES
OUT OF THE SUITCASE TOO

AND WALKED
RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER.

- WHAT DID THAT DO?

- NOTHIN'.

THEN YESTERDAY,

I STUBBED MY TOE
ON THE DAMN THING.

SO I SAY,
TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR,

"HUH, THAT SUITCASE
IS STILL THERE?"

AND SHE GOES,
"YEAH, I GUESS IT IS."

SO NOW I DEFINITELY KNOW

SHE'S NOT JUST PUTTIN' OFF
MOVIN' IT.

SHE'S WAITIN' ME OUT
OR SOMETHIN'.

I'LL LET YOU IN
ON A LITTLE SECRET.

SHE'S GONNA BE WAITIN'
A LONG TIME.

SO? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- THIS IS INSANE.

- I KNOW.
WHAT'S HER PROBLEM?

- NO, THE BOTH OF YOU.

YOU'VE HAD A TWO-WEEK FIGHT
OVER A SUITCASE.

- WELL, IT'S NOT REALLY A FIGHT,
YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, EVERYTHING'S THE SAME.

WE EAT. WE SLEEP.
WE WATCH TV, PLAY WITH THE KIDS.

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

BUT THE ONE WHO MOVES
THAT SUITCASE WILL NOT BE ME.

- YOU ARE A BABY.

- I AM NOT A BABY.
GIVE ME BACK MY CHEESE.

- NO. HEY!

- HEY, GUYS.
- HEY. HI.

- HEY, DEB.

- LISTEN, RAY,
I WAS GONNA ORDER PIZZA TONIGHT,

BUT IF YOU'RE TOO CHEESED OUT,

WE CAN JUST
GO TO THAT NEW CHICKEN PLACE.

- YEAH, OKAY.
YEAH, CHICKEN SOUNDS GREAT.

- OKAY.

- OKAY, YOU SEE THAT?

YOU SEE HOW SHE JUST WALKED PAST
IT JUST TO RUB IT IN MY FACE?

- ALL I SAW WAS A WOMAN
HELPFULLY SUGGESTING

A NEW CHICKEN TO HER HUSBAND.

I ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE GOOD,
RAYMOND.

- YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU ALREADY GOT
THE BAD AND THE UGLY.

[chuckles]

- HEY, TURN THE TV ON.

- ACTUALLY, I'M LEAVIN'
TO COVER THE METS' ROAD TRIP.

- SO TURN IT ON
AND GO.

YOU GOT
ANY OF THAT CHEESE LEFT?

- JUST THE ROQUEFORT, WHICH
YOU'RE MORE THAN WELCOME TO.

IT REALLY STINKS BAD.

- I'LL EAT IT FAST.

- HEY, GUYS, COME ON.
IT'S TIME FOR BED.

LET'S GO.

RAY, IT'S GETTIN' LATE.
SHOULDN'T YOU PACK?

- YEAH, YEAH.

- WATCH IT, BOYS.
WATCH THE SUITCASE.

- WHAT?

- THAT SUITCASE
HAS BEEN SITTIN' THERE

FOR THREE WEEKS, AND...

- NOBODY WANTS TO BE
THE ONE TO MOVE IT.

I GOTCHA.

- BUT THE THING IS,
I GOT TO PACK NOW,

SO I'M GONNA BE THE ONE
WHO HAS TO MOVE THE SUITCASE.

- WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
ANOTHER SUITCASE?

- NO! CAN'T LEAVE THAT ONE
SITTIN' THERE.

IT'LL BE TOO OBVIOUS
THAT I DID IT ON PURPOSE.

- WELL, THAT'S GOOD.

DEB SHOULD KNOW
HOW YOU FEEL.

I'M A GREAT BELIEVER
IN LETTING PEOPLE KNOW

WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE.

- YEAH, AND EVERY OTHER
PART OF YOUR BODY.

I DON'T WANT TO GET IN A FIGHT
OVER A SUITCASE

RIGHT BEFORE
I HAVE TO GO.

I'LL JUST DO IT.

- HEY, LISTEN TO ME.

THIS IS NOT
ABOUT A SUITCASE.

THIS IS ABOUT WHO WEARS
THE PANTS IN THE FAMILY.

WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO BRING IT
IN THE FIRST PLACE?

HERS, RIGHT?

- YEAH. YEAH.

THEN I WAS STUCK LUGGIN' IT
AROUND ALL WEEKEND.

- IF YOU MOVE
THAT SUITCASE,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL
PUT ON A DRESS

AND CHANGE YOUR NAME
TO DAISY MAE TINKLEPANTS.

- RAY,

YOU GOT TO LEAVE SOON.

ARE YOU GONNA
GET READY?

- YES.

YES, I AM.

- WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?
- IT'S ALL RIGHT, DEB.

YOU DON'T NEED
TO PRETEND WITH ME.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT
THE SUITCASE.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- I KNOW ABOUT YOUR LITTLE
MEXICAN STANDOFF.

- I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

- AH, FORGET ABOUT IT.

HEY, LOOKS LIKE RAY FORGOT

TO TAKE
THE SUITCASE WITH HIM.

YOU OUGHTA BRING IT UP.

- HE HAD
THREE WEEKS!

WHY DIDN'T HE MOVE THAT THING?
THREE WEEKS!

AT FIRST I THOUGHT
HE WAS JUST CLUELESS,

BUT IF HE TALKED TO YOU ABOUT
IT, HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING.

- AREN'T YOU DOING
THE SAME THING?

- NO! THIS IS
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING
AROUND THIS HOUSE.

IF I DON'T DO IT,
IT DOESN'T GET DONE.

- WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE--
NOW, TAKE IT EASY--

THAT'S HOW
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.

- "THAT'S HOW
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE"?

- I SAID TAKE IT EASY.

RAY LUGGED THE SUITCASE
AROUND ALL WEEKEND,

BUT IT'S
IN THE HOUSE NOW,

ALL FULL OF LAUNDRY,

AND IT'S ALL "WOMANY" NOW.

SO...YOU SHOULD MOVE IT.

THAT'S HOW
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.

- OKAY, NOW LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IF I'M THE ONE
THAT HAS TO DO THE LAUNDRY,

WHY SHOULD I BE THE ONE

TO DRAG THAT THING
UPSTAIRS, HUH?

ISN'T THE MAN
SUPPOSED TO CARRY STUFF?

ISN'T THAT THE "MANNY"
THING TO DO, HUH?

ISN'T THAT HOW THAT'S
SUPPOSED TO BE?

- OBVIOUSLY YOU'VE SPENT
A LOT MORE TIME

THINKING ABOUT THIS
THAN I HAVE.

- ALL PACKED.

- SEE YA LATER.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- WHAT?

JUST PACKIN' A SODA
FOR THE ROAD.

PROBLEM?

- THAT'S HOW YOU'RE
GETTING ON THE AIRPLANE?

- YEAH. I'M TRAVELIN' LIGHT.
I'M TRAVELIN' LOOSE.

- WHAT ARE YOU,
A HOBO?

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THE SUITCASE?

- WHAT SUITCASE?

- YOU KNOW WHAT SUITCASE.

- ARE YOU REFERRING
TO THE SUITCASE

THAT YOU HAVEN'T MOVED
IN THREE WEEKS?

IS THAT THE SUITCASE
TO WHICH YOU ARE REFERRING?

- WHY COULDN'T
YOU MOVE IT?

- WHY COULDN'T
YOU MOVE IT?

- ALL RIGHT, YOU ARE NOT
GOING TO THE AIRPORT

WITH A GROCERY BAG.

TAKE THE SUITCASE!

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T NEED IT.

- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

- OH!

YEAH, GOOD.

GOOD!

REAL MATURE!

I DON'T CARE.
I DON'T CARE.

THANKS TO THE GOOD PEOPLE
AT WALDBAUM'S,

I GOT A COMPLETE
SET OF LUGGAGE RIGHT HERE.

ALL THE LUGGAGE I NEED
RIGHT HERE.

WATERPROOF,
BEAUTIFUL LUGGAGE.

RIGHT HERE,
ALL THE LUGGAGE.

OOH.

SEE YA
IN A COUPLE DAYS!

- HI, DEBRA.

- HEY, MARIE.

- WHEN'S RAYMOND
COMIN' HOME?

- TOMORROW AFTERNOON.

I WAS JUST ON MY WAY
TO THE MARKET,

AND I WAS...

DEBRA, ARE YOU
COOKING SOMETHING?

- NO.

- OH, BECAUSE...

[sniffs]

THERE'S AN AROMA.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I SMELLED IT TOO. YEAH.

WOW, IT'S GETTING WORSE.

- WHERE'S IT COMING FROM?

- I DON'T KNOW.
UCK!

- IT'S GETTING CLOSE.

both: OHH!

- DEBRA, YOU CAN'T KEEP
CHEESE IN A SUITCASE.

- I DIDN'T
PUT IT THERE, MARIE.

RAY. RAY!

- ALL RIGHT, RUN.
QUICK, GET RID OF IT.

- I CANNOT BELIEVE HIM.

- WHY DON'T WE TAKE THE SUITCASE
OUTSIDE AND AIR IT OUT?

- NO, NO, NO!

WE'RE NOT MOVING IT.

- BUT, DEBRA...

NO. RAY DOESN'T GET TO WIN
BECAUSE OF THIS.

IF SMELLS BOTHERED ME,

I WOULD'VE LEFT HIM
A LONG TIME AGO.

- OH, DEAR.

I KNEW YOU WERE HAVING
SUITCASE PROBLEMS,

BUT I DIDN'T THINK
IT HAD GOTTEN THIS BAD.

- HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT
OUR SUITCASE PROBLEM?

- COME WITH ME.

I WANT TO SHOW
YOU SOMETHING.

- DID FRANK
TELL YOU ABOUT THIS?

- FRANK? YOU DIDN'T THINK
I'D NOTICE A SUITCASE

SITTING THERE
FOR 23 1/2 DAYS?

OKAY.

WHAT I'M GONNA TELL YOU
I'VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE--

NOT RAYMOND,
NOT ROBERT, NO ONE.

- WOW, MARIE, WHAT IS IT?

- WHEN FRANK AND I
GOT MARRIED,

ONE OF OUR GIFTS WAS
A BIG FORK AND SPOON.

- OH.

I HAD ALWAYS ASSUMED

THAT THOSE WERE
ROBERT'S BABY UTENSILS.

- NO, THEY WERE
A WEDDING PRESENT.

FRANK AND I WANTED
TO RETURN THEM

THE MINUTE
WE OPENED THE BOX.

- YOU DON'T LIKE
THE BIG FORK AND SPOON?

- WE HATE
THE BIG FORK AND SPOON.

- BUT THEY'RE LIKE
A FIXTURE OF THE HOUSE,

THE BIG FORK AND SPOON.

- THEY'RE HORRIBLE.
LOOK AT THEM.

THEY'RE COMPLETELY
WITHOUT NUANCE.

- SO WHY ARE THEY UP THERE?

- I WANTED FRANK
TO RETURN THEM

BECAUSE IT WAS HIS AUNT SOPHIA
THAT GAVE THEM TO ME.

UGH, HIS FAMILY.

I TELL YOU, DEBRA,

THE GROOM'S SIDE OF THE CHURCH
WAS LIKE A GYPSY CAMP.

- AND SO FRANK THOUGHT
THAT YOU SHOULD RETURN IT.

- OF COURSE.
I'M THE WOMAN.

THEY'RE TECHNICALLY
SILVERWARE.

SO ONE DAY,

AFTER MONTHS
OF THE SPOON AND THE FORK

JUST SITTING
ON THE COUNTER,

WE HAD A BIG FIGHT.

IT WAS OUR FIRST FIGHT
AS HUSBAND AND WIFE.

- WOW. THE SHOT HEARD
ROUND THE WORLD.

- FINALLY, I TOLD HIM,

"I'M GOING TO MY MOTHER'S,
AND WHEN I GET BACK,

"YOU BETTER BE
THE ONLY UGLY THING

LEFT IN THIS HOUSE."

AND WHEN I GOT HOME,

HE WAS SITTING
RIGHT HERE,

AND HE HAD NAILED
THE SPOON TO THE WALL.

- WHOA.

- HE THOUGHT HE HAD WON.

YOU SEE WHAT I DID?

- AH, VERY CLEVER.

- NOTICE THE FORK IS HIGHER.

AND THEY'VE BEEN THERE
EVER SINCE.

EVERY TIME I COME
INTO THIS KITCHEN,

IT REMINDS ME
OF THAT FIGHT,

EVERY DAY FOR 45 YEARS.

- WOW, I'M SHOCKED.

YOU TWO SEEM SO HAPPY.

- TRUST ME, DEAR.

IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

GO. GO MOVE THE LUGGAGE.

YOU BE THE BETTER PERSON.

HMM?

DON'T LET A SUITCASE
FILLED WITH CHEESE

BE YOUR BIG
FORK AND SPOON.

- I'VE NEVER
HEARD THAT BEFORE.

- TAKE IT TO HEART, DEAR.

- ALL RIGHT.
THANKS, MARIE.

- HEY, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THE BIG FORK AND SPOON

DOWN RIGHT NOW?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- WELL, IT'S BEEN 45 YEARS.

WASN'T THAT THE POINT
OF YOUR STORY?

- WHAT, ARE YOU TAKING
FRANK'S SIDE?

- [sighs]

- HI.

- HEY. HI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HOME?

- WELL...

I DECIDED
TO COME HOME EARLY.

- OH.

YEAH, I...

YOU KNOW, I HAD
SOME TIME TO KILL

WHEN I GOT TO CHICAGO,

SO I WENT TO GET
A SLICE OF PIZZA.

YOU KNOW, THEY GOT
THE DEEP-DISH PIZZA,

AND THE CHEESE IS SO GOOD.

AND I GOT TO THINKIN'...

CHEESE.

I LOVE IT, AND YET
I USED IT AS A WEAPON.

- WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU'RE HOME.

- ME TOO.

I'M SORRY
THINGS GOT SO NUTS.

- YEAH. ME TOO.

- ARE THE KIDS HOME YET?

- NO, NOT FOR
ANOTHER HOUR.

- OH, 'CAUSE
I WAS THINKIN'...

WE DIDN'T GET TO HAVE
OUR REGULAR GOIN'-AWAY ACTION

BEFORE I LEFT.

- GEE, TOUGH BREAK.

- WELL, I'VE READ THAT
COMING-HOME ACTION

CAN ALSO BE
RATHER PLEASANT.

- YEAH, BUT YOU WERE ONLY GONE
FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

- OH.

- BUT WE DID
JUST MAKE UP.

- YES. YEAH, WE DID.

WE DID MAKE UP,

SO WE COULD HAVE
MAKE-UP ACTION,

'CAUSE WE MADE UP.

WE MADE UP
SO FRICKIN' MUCH!

- HEY, HEY, HEY.

YOU WANT TO GET THAT?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- WELL, I MEAN, THAT'S WHY
YOU CAME HOME, RIGHT--

SO YOU COULD GET IT?

- WELL, YEAH,
BUT I THOUGHT...

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT
SINCE YOU KNOW

I CAME ALL THE WAY
FROM CHICAGO,

THAT YOU WOULD
BE THE ONE TO GET IT.

- OKAY, RAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GETTING IT.

- WHAT'S THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

- IT MEANS I'LL GET IT.

I'LL BE THE ONE
WHO GOT IT.

OH, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO!

I WILL GET IT.

LET THE RECORD SHOW
THAT I GOT IT.

- LET GO OF THE SUITCASE.
- YOU LET GO!

YOU LET GO OF IT.
LET GO OF--

LET GO,
LET GO, LET GO!

LET GO!

- I'M TAKING IT.

- NO, YOU DON'T.
NO, YOU DON'T.

- I'VE GOT IT!

- NO. I'M MOVIN' IT!

I'M THE ONE MOVIN' IT,
EVERYBODY.

LOOK AT ME!

- I'M STILL HOLDING IT.

- IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHO'S HOLDING IT.

IT MATTERS
WHO'S MOVING IT!

YOU THINK YOU'RE
GONNA HOLD IT OVER ME?

- HOW'S THE SUITCASE
THING GOIN'?

- WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- WELL, I WAS GONNA SEE
IF I CAN BORROW THAT,

BUT THE AIRLINE WON'T LET ME
CARRY ON ALL THREE OF YOU.

- ALL RIGHT, FRANK.

TODAY'S THE DAY.

THE BIG FORK AND SPOON
ARE COMING DOWN,

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN ABLE
TO RISE ABOVE

45 YEARS OF PETTINESS.

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

- WHEN DID WE GET THOSE?