Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 7, Episode 21 - The Shower - full transcript
When Debra has too much to drink at Amy's shower she rests in the car until she feels better. But the cops think that she was drinking and driving. Marie becomes even more protective.
- DEBRA, WHAT ARE ALL THESE
WOMEN DOING IN MY APARTMENT?
- GEE, AMY, IT LOOKS LIKE
THEY'RE HERE
FOR A BRIDAL SHOWER.
- WHY WOULD THEY BE HERE
FOR A BRIDAL SHOWER?
- I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE IT'S
BECAUSE YOU'RE GETTING--
both: MARRIED!
AH!
- I'M GETTING MARRIED!
THANK YOU
FOR THROWING ME A SHOWER.
YOU ARE THE BEST
MATRON OF HONOR EVER.
- LET'S NOT SAY "MATRON."
OKAY, EVERYBODY,
WHO WANTS A PIZZA BAGEL?
- ALL RIGHT, PIZZA BAGELS!
- AND I MADE
PROSCIUTTO E MELONE.
- ALL RIGHT,
PROSCIUTTO E MELONE!
- MARIE, I TOLD YOU I WAS
TAKING CARE OF THE FOOD.
- I KNOW, DEAR.
OH, SAVE ROOM, EVERYONE.
I ALSO HAVE
INSALATA CAPRESE.
- OH, INSALATA CAPRESE!
SORRY.
- OOH, DON'T EAT THAT.
HAVE ONE OF THESE.
- MARIE, YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN
PLANNING THE SHOWER FOR WEEKS.
I'M THE MATRON--
I'M THE SHOWER-THROWER.
- OF COURSE, DEAR,
BUT IT'S ONLY NATURAL FOR ME
TO WANT MY NEW DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
TO HAVE THE FINEST
ITALIAN APPETIZERS.
- I'VE GOT IT COVERED, OKAY?
- OHH.
OHH, I KNOW
WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU.
OH, HONEY, DON'T WORRY.
I'LL ALWAYS HAVE PLENTY OF TIME
FOR MY OLD DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.
- HEY, MOM.
SO YOU'RE HAVING
A GOOD TIME, HUH?
- OH, YES, IT'S A WONDERFUL
SHOWER.
LOOKS LIKE THE WEDDING
IS REALLY GOING FORWARD.
- YES, MOM.
IT IS.
- GOOD.
- OH, LET ME HELP YOU
WITH THE CHAMPAGNE.
- I'M FINE, THANKS, MARIE.
- WELL, I'LL JUST
PASS OUT THE GLASSES.
- THAT'S OKAY.
THANKS.
- I JUST WANT TO HELP
BECAUSE...
I'M SENSING A LULL.
- THERE'S NO LULL.
- LISTEN.
LULL.
- WELL, DON'T WORRY,
'CAUSE I'M GONNA DO MY TOAST.
- OH.
WELL, MAYBE THERE MIGHT BE
A LULL AFTER THAT.
OH, I KNOW.
BRIDAL BINGO.
- NO, THAT'S FOR LATER, MARIE.
- WELL, I'LL JUST HELP
GET THEM READY.
- MARIE, I SAID NO.
AMY!
I'M SO SORRY.
ARE YOU OKAY?
- I'M OKAY.
I'M OKAY.
STILL GETTING MARRIED.
- YOU TAKE CARE OF AMY,
AND I'LL TAKE CARE
OF THE LULL.
- ARE YOU NOT GETTING IT, MARIE?
- WHAT?
I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP.
- I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.
I KNOW YOU THINK I CAN'T
SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU,
BUT I CAN.
I DON'T NEED YOU!
- EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE.
I JUST WOULD LIKE
TO SAY MY GOOD-BYES.
- DON'T GO, MARIE.
- OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT WAS WONDERFUL
SEEING YOU AGAIN,
AND AMY, I LOVE YOU.
HAVE A WONDERFUL PARTY.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE.
- AMY, WELCOME
TO THE FAMILY.
LOTS OF LUCK.
[engine starts]
[engine stops]
RAY, WHERE ARE YOU?
PICK UP.
RAY?
OKAY, I THINK I HAD
A LITTLE TOO MUCH TO DRINK
BECAUSE OF YOUR MOTHER,
AND AMY'S DRIVING HER MOM
BACK TO PENNSYLVANIA,
SO YOU GOT TO COME GET ME,
SO AS SOON AS YOU
PICK UP THIS MESSAGE,
CALL ME ON MY PHELL SONE--
CELL PHONE.
SHUT UP.
[soft music]
[tapping on glass]
HUH?
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MA'AM?
- OH, YEAH, EVERYTHING'S FINE.
I JUST HAD A LITTLE
TOO MUCH TO DRINK.
[phone ringing]
- DEB, PHONE.
HELLO?
HEY, DEB.
HEY, WAIT.
WHERE ARE YOU?
JAIL?
YOU ARE NOT.
SERIOUSLY, WHERE ARE YOU?
OH, MY GOD!
WELL, WHAT--
WHAT'D YOU DO?
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
WAIT, WAIT, DEB.
I COULDN'T FIND
MY BROWN BELT TODAY.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS?
- RAY, JUST GET DOWN HERE!
- ALL RIGHT, I'M COMING.
- MY HUSBAND IS COMING
TO PICK ME UP,
SO I CAN JUST WAIT OUT FRONT.
- GET IN.
- BUT I WASN'T DRIVING THE CAR.
HOW COULD IT BE A D.U.I.
IF THERE'S NO "D"?
- IN.
- ALL RIGHT, FINE.
FINE, BUT WHEN
THE TRUTH COMES OUT,
THIS IS GOING TO BE
SO EMBARRASSING...
FOR YOU.
OH, FINE.
FINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T CARE.
I'VE GOT THREE KIDS AT HOME.
I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE
OUT OF THE HOUSE.
HELLO.
SO...
THIS IS JAIL, HUH?
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
NOT TOO BAD.
NICE FOLKS.
A PLACE TO LIE DOWN.
TOILET RIGHT
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM.
IS MY HUSBAND HERE YET?
HELLO, CAN I HAVE A TISSUE?
COME ON, I JUST WANT A TISSUE!
WHAT KIND OF A PLACE IS THIS?!
FINE!
I'M AN ANIMAL NOW!
ARE YOU HAPPY?
- I DON'T WANT
TO GO IN THERE.
- OH, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE!
- ARE YOU OKAY?
- YEAH, I GUESS SO.
- SO...
HOW WAS AMY'S SHOWER?
- JUST--
GET ME OUT OF HERE.
- WERE YOU REALLY
DRIVING DRUNK?
- I WAS NOT DRIVING DRUNK.
I HAD A FEW DRINKS
AND I FELL ASLEEP,
AND THERE'S SOME LAW SAYS
IF THE KEY IS IN THE IGNITION
AND YOU'RE BEHIND THE WHEEL,
IT DOESN'T MATTER
IF YOU'RE GOING OR NOT.
THEY JUST TAKE YOU TO JAIL.
AND WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?
I CALLED YOU FROM THE CAR.
- I TOOK THE KIDS TO GET PIZZA,
AND THEN WE STARTED
PLAYING PAC-MAN,
AND THEY WOULDN'T LET ME LEAVE
UNTIL I GOT THE HIGHEST SCORE,
AND I DID--
I BEAT IT BY A LOT.
- I LEFT YOU A MESSAGE.
WHY DIDN'T YOU CHECK
THE MESSAGES?
- BECAUSE THEY'RE
ALWAYS FOR YOU.
- FROM NOW ON,
CHECK THE MESSAGES!
- OKAY, OKAY.
NOW THAT I KNOW YOU
COULD BE IN JAIL, I WILL.
- YOU KNOW WHOSE FAULT
THIS REALLY IS?
YOUR MOTHER'S.
SHE MADE ME SO MAD
AT THAT SHOWER,
I STARTED DRINKING,
AND HERE I AM!
OH, MY GOD, SHE IS SO--
LISTEN, SHE CAN
NEVER KNOW ABOUT THIS.
OH, MY GOD!
YOU TOLD HER I WAS IN JAIL?
- A LITTLE.
- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
- GUARD!
- JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE.
- ALL RIGHT.
RELAX, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
OH, AND, DEBRA,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT
WHILE YOU WERE IN HERE,
I NEVER THOUGHT
OF ANYONE ELSE.
- WHAT I'LL DO IS I'LL PUT IN
A COUPLE MORE HOURS,
AND THEN I'LL PUNCH OUT.
HEY, RAY.
HEY, DEB.
DEBRA?
- HI, ROBERT.
- OH, MY GOD.
SHE FINALLY KILLED MOM.
- OH, THANK GOD!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH, I'M FINE, MARIE.
I'M JUST A LITTLE TIRED.
- OH, WELL, I JUST
WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT IN THIS FAMILY,
WHATEVER OUR DIFFERENCES,
WE STAND TOGETHER.
NO MATTER
WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
NO MATTER HOW MUCH SHAME
YOU'VE BROUGHT UPON US.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
-YOU KNOW, NOTHING.
IT WAS JUST A MINOR
TRAFFIC MISUNDERSTANDING.
- THANK GOD.
WHAT DID SHE DO?
- NOTHING.
SHE TOOK A NAP IN THE CAR,
THAT'S ALL.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY WOULD THEY
ARREST HER FOR THAT?
- WERE YOU NAKED?
- NO, I WAS NOT NAKED.
I JUST TOOK A LITTLE NAP
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO DRIVE.
- WHY NOT?
- BECAUSE I HAD A LITTLE
TOO MUCH CHAMPAGNE.
- DRUNKEN DRIVING!
OH, MY GOD!
DRUNKEN DRIVING!
OH, IT IS SO AWFUL!
NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
THE MESSY HOUSE,
THE KIDS
RUNNING AROUND FILTHY,
THE WAY SHE TALKS TO ME--
IT'S ALL CLEAR NOW.
- DEB--
OH!
HELLO, EVERYBODY.
I WAS JUST
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
SAW THE LIGHTS ON.
THOUGHT I'D COME BY
AND SAY HI-DEE-HO.
HI-DEE-HO, EVERYBODY.
BY THE WAY, DEBRA,
EVERYTHING IS COPACETIC
VIS-A-VIS THE SITUATION
WE DISCUSSED EARLIER.
- YEAH, YOU'RE REAL SMOOTH.
WE ALL KNOW SHE WAS
IN THE SLAMMER.
- MA KNOWS?
- YEAH, BUT SHE TOOK IT WELL.
- HEY, LOOK,
DON'T WORRY, DEB.
I SPOKE WITH
THE ARRESTING OFFICER.
BECAUSE OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
HE SAID HE'S NOT GOING
TO PURSUE THE CRIMINAL CHARGES.
- OH, ROBERT, THAT'S GREAT.
THANK YOU.
- WAIT A MINUTE, ROBERT.
THEY'RE DROPPING THE CHARGES?
IS THAT WISE?
I MEAN, HOW ELSE
IS SHE GONNA LEARN?
- WELL, WE'RE NOT
OUT OF THE WOODS YET.
SHE STILL HAS TO GO
TO THE HEARING AT THE DMV.
- WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?
- TO DETERMINE WHEN
SHE GETS HER LICENSE BACK.
- BACK?
YOU MEAN I DON'T HAVE A LICENSE?
- OF COURSE NOT!
- MA!
- YOU MEAN I CAN'T DRIVE
UNTIL THE HEARING?
WHEN IS THAT?
- NEXT MONTH.
- OH, NO.
- WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ABOUT THE ERRANDS
AND THE KIDS AND ALL THEIR CRAP?
OH, NO!
WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME?
- I'LL FIGURE
SOMETHING OUT, RAY.
- HOW?
BY THE WAY, I'M GOING
ON THE ROAD WITH THE METS.
YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY'S GOT TO
DRIVE YOU AND THE KIDS AROUND.
- I'LL DO IT.
SHE CAN TELL ME
ABOUT THE BIG HOUSE.
- WE DON'T LIKE YOU
DRIVING THE CHILDREN, DAD.
- WHY?
BECAUSE I TELL IT LIKE IT IS?
- WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU, MA?
- OF COURSE
I'LL DRIVE DEBRA,
IF SHE NEEDS ME.
WILL DEBRA SAY
SHE NEEDS ME?
- THANK YOU, MARIE.
IT'S A VERY GENEROUS OFFER.
- AND?
- AND I ACCEPT
BECAUSE I...
NEED YOU.
- HAPPY TO DO IT.
- GOOD NIGHT.
- OH, THAT'S IT, DEAR.
GO SLEEP IT OFF.
BOYS, YOU GOT TO HELP ME.
I'M GONNA MAKE THIS A DRY HOUSE.
NOW, WE DON'T NEED THIS IN HERE.
- MA!
PLEASE, MA, WILL YOU RELAX?
SHE'S NOT AN ALCOHOLIC.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE
FOR HER ANYMORE, RAYMOND.
ROBBIE, GO UPSTAIRS
BEFORE SHE GETS
TO THE COUGH SYRUP.
- OKAY, HOW DO I LOOK?
IS MY HAIR OKAY?
- YOU LOOK FINE.
RELAX.
ALTHOUGH MAYBE YOU
COULD'VE SEXED IT UP A BIT.
- YOU'RE A BIG HELP.
I HAVE GOT TO GET
MY LICENSE BACK.
IF I SPEND ONE MORE DAY
IN THE CAR WITH YOUR MOTHER,
IT'S GONNA BE IN THE GARAGE
WITH THE DOOR CLOSED.
- GOOD AFTERNOON.
I'M MR. RODELL,
THE HEARING OFFICER.
THIS IS MS. ALVAREZ.
I BELIEVE YOU'VE MET
OFFICER KEON.
- YES, HELLO,
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
- YOU, SIT THERE.
YOU, BACK THERE.
- YOU ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH, HE SEEMS NICE.
- UNDO A COUPLE BUTTONS.
- WE'RE HERE.
WE'RE HERE.
DID IT START YET?
- MARIE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I WOULDN'T MISS THIS
FOR THE WORLD.
- MA, DAD,
SIT IN THE BACK ROW.
- BUT I'M THE MOTHER-IN-LAW.
- IT'S NOT A WEDDING, MA.
BACK HERE.
- YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED
IN MAY, AREN'T YOU, BARONE?
- YEAH, I KNOW.
I KNOW, KEON, AND, SEE,
I WAS GONNA INVITE YOU,
BUT IF I INVITE YOU,
THEN I HAVE TO INVITE
EVERYONE IN THE K-9 UNIT,
AND THEN WHAT AM I GONNA DO
WITH THE BOMB SQUAD?
- IT'S ALL RIGHT, MAN.
I'M JUST BUSTING YOUR CHOPS.
[laughing]
- THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!
- ALL RIGHT, I'VE READ--
- YOU WILL SPEAK UP,
WON'T YOU?
- I'VE READ THE REPORT.
OPERATING A VEHICLE
UNDER THE INFLUENCE.
- EXCUSE ME, SIR.
IS THAT WHAT IT SAYS?
"OPERATING A VEHICLE"?
BECAUSE THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I WASN'T OPERATING A VEHICLE.
I OPERATED PARTS
OF THE VEHICLE--
THE RADIO AND THE SEAT--
BUT THEN I FELL ASLEEP.
- YOU PASSED OUT.
- OH, NO, NO,
I DIDN'T PASS OUT.
I TOOK A NAP.
IN FACT, I CAN PROVE IT
BECAUSE MY HANDS WERE LIKE THIS,
AND YOU DON'T DO THAT
WHEN YOU PASS OUT.
WHEN YOU PASS OUT,
YOU'RE MORE LIKE--
[groans]
I EVEN RECLINED THE SEAT.
THAT SHOULD BE IN THE REPORT
BECAUSE THAT CLEARLY SHOWS...
INTENT TO NAP.
SIR, WEREN'T MY HANDS
LIKE THIS?
- SHE SHOULD'VE
LAWYERED UP.
- YOU DIDN'T BRUSH
YOUR TEETH TODAY, DID YOU?
- DO YOU MAKE A HABIT
OF DRINKING,
GETTING BEHIND
THE WHEEL OF A CAR,
PUTTING THE KEY
IN THE IGNITION,
AND THEN TAKING A NAP?
- OH, NO, NO.
NO, THAT'S NOT A HABIT OF MINE.
THERE WAS JUST NO ONE
I COULD CALL FOR A RIDE HOME.
- THERE ARE CABS, MRS. BARONE.
- YES, AND THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
A GOOD IDEA,
BUT, YOU SEE,
I COULDN'T CALL ONE
BECAUSE, WELL,
MY MOTHER-IN-LAW LIVES
ACROSS THE STREET,
AND SHE WOULD HAVE
SEEN THE CAB,
AND THEN I NEVER WOULD HAVE
HEARD THE END OF IT.
- MRS. BARONE, THIS IS NOT
ABOUT YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.
- YES, BUT I'M JUST TRYING
TO SHOW YOU--
- THIS IS ABOUT YOUR LICENSE.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT WAS MY RESPONSIBILITY,
AND I SCREWED UP.
- DEBRA.
DEBRA.
- WHAT?
- DO YOU NEED MY HELP?
- GOD, NO!
- SIR, WE HAVE HER DRINKING
COMPLETELY UNDER CONTROL NOW.
- RAY!
- OPEN YOUR SHIRT.
- THIS--
- MRS. BARONE--
- THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT SHE DID AT THE SHOWER!
THIS IS WHAT
SHE ALWAYS DOES!
SHE JUST HAS TO
RUN MY LIFE.
THAT'S WHY I YELLED AT HER
AT THE SHOWER,
THAT'S WHY I COULDN'T
CALL HER FOR A RIDE HOME,
AND THAT'S WHY
I AM HERE, SIR.
YES, I HAD A FEW DRINKS.
I SHOULD BE DRUNK EVERY DAY!
BUT I'M NOT
BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE
A DRINKING PROBLEM, SIR.
WHAT I HAVE
IS A MOTHER-IN-LAW PROBLEM!
- SIR, SHE'S RIGHT.
I WAS WRONG.
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MA'AM.
- NO, NO, NO.
IT'S MY FAULT,
AND I WANT TO ACCEPT
COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY.
- WELL, YOU CAN'T, BUT THANKS.
- I JUST WANTED AMY'S SHOWER
TO BE SPECIAL.
THAT'S WHY I MADE
ALL THOSE APPETIZERS,
LIKE THE CAPRESE
AND THE STUFFED MUSHROOMS.
DID YOU GET ANY OF THOSE?
- EXCUSE ME,
I HAVE A FULL SCHEDULE.
- THIS IS IMPORTANT.
I KNOW I TOOK OVER
A LITTLE TOO MUCH,
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT MY PLACE WAS
AT THAT BRIDAL SHOWER.
- IT'S OKAY, MARIE.
- NO, IT'S NOT OKAY.
IT WAS YOUR PARTY.
I SHOULD HAVE
JUST STEPPED ASIDE
AND LET YOU SERVE
YOUR FROZEN WHATEVERS.
I'M SORRY.
- THANKS, MARIE.
- YOU GETTING ALL THIS?
- I'M SORRY, SIR.
- NO, NO, I THINK
SHE MIGHT HAVE HELPED.
I NOW FULLY UNDERSTAND YOUR
EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES--
WHICH HAS NO BEARING
ON THE CASE,
BUT I DO BELIEVE
THAT YOU DID HAVE
INTENT TO NAP.
I'M RETURNING YOUR LICENSE,
SUBJECT TO
A YEAR'S PROBATION.
[cheering and laughter]
GOOD-BYE, EVERYBODY,
AND GOOD LUCK TO WHOEVER'S
MARRYING INTO THIS.
- THANK YOU.
THANK YOU!
OH, WASN'T THAT SOMETHING?
- YES, IT WAS.
YOU REALLY DO NEED ME.
DEBRA, I MUST SAY,
THAT WAS A VERY GOOD MEAL.
- MY PLEASURE, MARIE.
AND YOUR MOUSSE IS FANTASTIC.
- YOU KNOW, THE MOOSE IS
ACTUALLY A VERY VICIOUS ANIMAL,
BUT IT'S NOT YOUR ANTLERS
YOU GOT TO WATCH OUT FOR.
THEY USE THEIR GAS.
- YOU AND A MOOSE
WOULD BE A GOOD FIGHT.
- REALLY, MA,
THIS IS SCRUMPTIOUS.
RICH.
- THAT'S BECAUSE I USE
REAL VALRHONA CHOCOLATE,
AND I EVEN ADDED SOME BRANDY.
NO!
WOMEN DOING IN MY APARTMENT?
- GEE, AMY, IT LOOKS LIKE
THEY'RE HERE
FOR A BRIDAL SHOWER.
- WHY WOULD THEY BE HERE
FOR A BRIDAL SHOWER?
- I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE IT'S
BECAUSE YOU'RE GETTING--
both: MARRIED!
AH!
- I'M GETTING MARRIED!
THANK YOU
FOR THROWING ME A SHOWER.
YOU ARE THE BEST
MATRON OF HONOR EVER.
- LET'S NOT SAY "MATRON."
OKAY, EVERYBODY,
WHO WANTS A PIZZA BAGEL?
- ALL RIGHT, PIZZA BAGELS!
- AND I MADE
PROSCIUTTO E MELONE.
- ALL RIGHT,
PROSCIUTTO E MELONE!
- MARIE, I TOLD YOU I WAS
TAKING CARE OF THE FOOD.
- I KNOW, DEAR.
OH, SAVE ROOM, EVERYONE.
I ALSO HAVE
INSALATA CAPRESE.
- OH, INSALATA CAPRESE!
SORRY.
- OOH, DON'T EAT THAT.
HAVE ONE OF THESE.
- MARIE, YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN
PLANNING THE SHOWER FOR WEEKS.
I'M THE MATRON--
I'M THE SHOWER-THROWER.
- OF COURSE, DEAR,
BUT IT'S ONLY NATURAL FOR ME
TO WANT MY NEW DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
TO HAVE THE FINEST
ITALIAN APPETIZERS.
- I'VE GOT IT COVERED, OKAY?
- OHH.
OHH, I KNOW
WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU.
OH, HONEY, DON'T WORRY.
I'LL ALWAYS HAVE PLENTY OF TIME
FOR MY OLD DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.
- HEY, MOM.
SO YOU'RE HAVING
A GOOD TIME, HUH?
- OH, YES, IT'S A WONDERFUL
SHOWER.
LOOKS LIKE THE WEDDING
IS REALLY GOING FORWARD.
- YES, MOM.
IT IS.
- GOOD.
- OH, LET ME HELP YOU
WITH THE CHAMPAGNE.
- I'M FINE, THANKS, MARIE.
- WELL, I'LL JUST
PASS OUT THE GLASSES.
- THAT'S OKAY.
THANKS.
- I JUST WANT TO HELP
BECAUSE...
I'M SENSING A LULL.
- THERE'S NO LULL.
- LISTEN.
LULL.
- WELL, DON'T WORRY,
'CAUSE I'M GONNA DO MY TOAST.
- OH.
WELL, MAYBE THERE MIGHT BE
A LULL AFTER THAT.
OH, I KNOW.
BRIDAL BINGO.
- NO, THAT'S FOR LATER, MARIE.
- WELL, I'LL JUST HELP
GET THEM READY.
- MARIE, I SAID NO.
AMY!
I'M SO SORRY.
ARE YOU OKAY?
- I'M OKAY.
I'M OKAY.
STILL GETTING MARRIED.
- YOU TAKE CARE OF AMY,
AND I'LL TAKE CARE
OF THE LULL.
- ARE YOU NOT GETTING IT, MARIE?
- WHAT?
I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP.
- I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.
I KNOW YOU THINK I CAN'T
SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU,
BUT I CAN.
I DON'T NEED YOU!
- EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE.
I JUST WOULD LIKE
TO SAY MY GOOD-BYES.
- DON'T GO, MARIE.
- OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT WAS WONDERFUL
SEEING YOU AGAIN,
AND AMY, I LOVE YOU.
HAVE A WONDERFUL PARTY.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE.
- AMY, WELCOME
TO THE FAMILY.
LOTS OF LUCK.
[engine starts]
[engine stops]
RAY, WHERE ARE YOU?
PICK UP.
RAY?
OKAY, I THINK I HAD
A LITTLE TOO MUCH TO DRINK
BECAUSE OF YOUR MOTHER,
AND AMY'S DRIVING HER MOM
BACK TO PENNSYLVANIA,
SO YOU GOT TO COME GET ME,
SO AS SOON AS YOU
PICK UP THIS MESSAGE,
CALL ME ON MY PHELL SONE--
CELL PHONE.
SHUT UP.
[soft music]
[tapping on glass]
HUH?
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MA'AM?
- OH, YEAH, EVERYTHING'S FINE.
I JUST HAD A LITTLE
TOO MUCH TO DRINK.
[phone ringing]
- DEB, PHONE.
HELLO?
HEY, DEB.
HEY, WAIT.
WHERE ARE YOU?
JAIL?
YOU ARE NOT.
SERIOUSLY, WHERE ARE YOU?
OH, MY GOD!
WELL, WHAT--
WHAT'D YOU DO?
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
WAIT, WAIT, DEB.
I COULDN'T FIND
MY BROWN BELT TODAY.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS?
- RAY, JUST GET DOWN HERE!
- ALL RIGHT, I'M COMING.
- MY HUSBAND IS COMING
TO PICK ME UP,
SO I CAN JUST WAIT OUT FRONT.
- GET IN.
- BUT I WASN'T DRIVING THE CAR.
HOW COULD IT BE A D.U.I.
IF THERE'S NO "D"?
- IN.
- ALL RIGHT, FINE.
FINE, BUT WHEN
THE TRUTH COMES OUT,
THIS IS GOING TO BE
SO EMBARRASSING...
FOR YOU.
OH, FINE.
FINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T CARE.
I'VE GOT THREE KIDS AT HOME.
I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE
OUT OF THE HOUSE.
HELLO.
SO...
THIS IS JAIL, HUH?
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
NOT TOO BAD.
NICE FOLKS.
A PLACE TO LIE DOWN.
TOILET RIGHT
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM.
IS MY HUSBAND HERE YET?
HELLO, CAN I HAVE A TISSUE?
COME ON, I JUST WANT A TISSUE!
WHAT KIND OF A PLACE IS THIS?!
FINE!
I'M AN ANIMAL NOW!
ARE YOU HAPPY?
- I DON'T WANT
TO GO IN THERE.
- OH, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE!
- ARE YOU OKAY?
- YEAH, I GUESS SO.
- SO...
HOW WAS AMY'S SHOWER?
- JUST--
GET ME OUT OF HERE.
- WERE YOU REALLY
DRIVING DRUNK?
- I WAS NOT DRIVING DRUNK.
I HAD A FEW DRINKS
AND I FELL ASLEEP,
AND THERE'S SOME LAW SAYS
IF THE KEY IS IN THE IGNITION
AND YOU'RE BEHIND THE WHEEL,
IT DOESN'T MATTER
IF YOU'RE GOING OR NOT.
THEY JUST TAKE YOU TO JAIL.
AND WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?
I CALLED YOU FROM THE CAR.
- I TOOK THE KIDS TO GET PIZZA,
AND THEN WE STARTED
PLAYING PAC-MAN,
AND THEY WOULDN'T LET ME LEAVE
UNTIL I GOT THE HIGHEST SCORE,
AND I DID--
I BEAT IT BY A LOT.
- I LEFT YOU A MESSAGE.
WHY DIDN'T YOU CHECK
THE MESSAGES?
- BECAUSE THEY'RE
ALWAYS FOR YOU.
- FROM NOW ON,
CHECK THE MESSAGES!
- OKAY, OKAY.
NOW THAT I KNOW YOU
COULD BE IN JAIL, I WILL.
- YOU KNOW WHOSE FAULT
THIS REALLY IS?
YOUR MOTHER'S.
SHE MADE ME SO MAD
AT THAT SHOWER,
I STARTED DRINKING,
AND HERE I AM!
OH, MY GOD, SHE IS SO--
LISTEN, SHE CAN
NEVER KNOW ABOUT THIS.
OH, MY GOD!
YOU TOLD HER I WAS IN JAIL?
- A LITTLE.
- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
- GUARD!
- JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE.
- ALL RIGHT.
RELAX, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
OH, AND, DEBRA,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT
WHILE YOU WERE IN HERE,
I NEVER THOUGHT
OF ANYONE ELSE.
- WHAT I'LL DO IS I'LL PUT IN
A COUPLE MORE HOURS,
AND THEN I'LL PUNCH OUT.
HEY, RAY.
HEY, DEB.
DEBRA?
- HI, ROBERT.
- OH, MY GOD.
SHE FINALLY KILLED MOM.
- OH, THANK GOD!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH, I'M FINE, MARIE.
I'M JUST A LITTLE TIRED.
- OH, WELL, I JUST
WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT IN THIS FAMILY,
WHATEVER OUR DIFFERENCES,
WE STAND TOGETHER.
NO MATTER
WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
NO MATTER HOW MUCH SHAME
YOU'VE BROUGHT UPON US.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
-YOU KNOW, NOTHING.
IT WAS JUST A MINOR
TRAFFIC MISUNDERSTANDING.
- THANK GOD.
WHAT DID SHE DO?
- NOTHING.
SHE TOOK A NAP IN THE CAR,
THAT'S ALL.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY WOULD THEY
ARREST HER FOR THAT?
- WERE YOU NAKED?
- NO, I WAS NOT NAKED.
I JUST TOOK A LITTLE NAP
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO DRIVE.
- WHY NOT?
- BECAUSE I HAD A LITTLE
TOO MUCH CHAMPAGNE.
- DRUNKEN DRIVING!
OH, MY GOD!
DRUNKEN DRIVING!
OH, IT IS SO AWFUL!
NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
THE MESSY HOUSE,
THE KIDS
RUNNING AROUND FILTHY,
THE WAY SHE TALKS TO ME--
IT'S ALL CLEAR NOW.
- DEB--
OH!
HELLO, EVERYBODY.
I WAS JUST
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
SAW THE LIGHTS ON.
THOUGHT I'D COME BY
AND SAY HI-DEE-HO.
HI-DEE-HO, EVERYBODY.
BY THE WAY, DEBRA,
EVERYTHING IS COPACETIC
VIS-A-VIS THE SITUATION
WE DISCUSSED EARLIER.
- YEAH, YOU'RE REAL SMOOTH.
WE ALL KNOW SHE WAS
IN THE SLAMMER.
- MA KNOWS?
- YEAH, BUT SHE TOOK IT WELL.
- HEY, LOOK,
DON'T WORRY, DEB.
I SPOKE WITH
THE ARRESTING OFFICER.
BECAUSE OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
HE SAID HE'S NOT GOING
TO PURSUE THE CRIMINAL CHARGES.
- OH, ROBERT, THAT'S GREAT.
THANK YOU.
- WAIT A MINUTE, ROBERT.
THEY'RE DROPPING THE CHARGES?
IS THAT WISE?
I MEAN, HOW ELSE
IS SHE GONNA LEARN?
- WELL, WE'RE NOT
OUT OF THE WOODS YET.
SHE STILL HAS TO GO
TO THE HEARING AT THE DMV.
- WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?
- TO DETERMINE WHEN
SHE GETS HER LICENSE BACK.
- BACK?
YOU MEAN I DON'T HAVE A LICENSE?
- OF COURSE NOT!
- MA!
- YOU MEAN I CAN'T DRIVE
UNTIL THE HEARING?
WHEN IS THAT?
- NEXT MONTH.
- OH, NO.
- WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ABOUT THE ERRANDS
AND THE KIDS AND ALL THEIR CRAP?
OH, NO!
WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME?
- I'LL FIGURE
SOMETHING OUT, RAY.
- HOW?
BY THE WAY, I'M GOING
ON THE ROAD WITH THE METS.
YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY'S GOT TO
DRIVE YOU AND THE KIDS AROUND.
- I'LL DO IT.
SHE CAN TELL ME
ABOUT THE BIG HOUSE.
- WE DON'T LIKE YOU
DRIVING THE CHILDREN, DAD.
- WHY?
BECAUSE I TELL IT LIKE IT IS?
- WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU, MA?
- OF COURSE
I'LL DRIVE DEBRA,
IF SHE NEEDS ME.
WILL DEBRA SAY
SHE NEEDS ME?
- THANK YOU, MARIE.
IT'S A VERY GENEROUS OFFER.
- AND?
- AND I ACCEPT
BECAUSE I...
NEED YOU.
- HAPPY TO DO IT.
- GOOD NIGHT.
- OH, THAT'S IT, DEAR.
GO SLEEP IT OFF.
BOYS, YOU GOT TO HELP ME.
I'M GONNA MAKE THIS A DRY HOUSE.
NOW, WE DON'T NEED THIS IN HERE.
- MA!
PLEASE, MA, WILL YOU RELAX?
SHE'S NOT AN ALCOHOLIC.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE
FOR HER ANYMORE, RAYMOND.
ROBBIE, GO UPSTAIRS
BEFORE SHE GETS
TO THE COUGH SYRUP.
- OKAY, HOW DO I LOOK?
IS MY HAIR OKAY?
- YOU LOOK FINE.
RELAX.
ALTHOUGH MAYBE YOU
COULD'VE SEXED IT UP A BIT.
- YOU'RE A BIG HELP.
I HAVE GOT TO GET
MY LICENSE BACK.
IF I SPEND ONE MORE DAY
IN THE CAR WITH YOUR MOTHER,
IT'S GONNA BE IN THE GARAGE
WITH THE DOOR CLOSED.
- GOOD AFTERNOON.
I'M MR. RODELL,
THE HEARING OFFICER.
THIS IS MS. ALVAREZ.
I BELIEVE YOU'VE MET
OFFICER KEON.
- YES, HELLO,
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
- YOU, SIT THERE.
YOU, BACK THERE.
- YOU ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH, HE SEEMS NICE.
- UNDO A COUPLE BUTTONS.
- WE'RE HERE.
WE'RE HERE.
DID IT START YET?
- MARIE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I WOULDN'T MISS THIS
FOR THE WORLD.
- MA, DAD,
SIT IN THE BACK ROW.
- BUT I'M THE MOTHER-IN-LAW.
- IT'S NOT A WEDDING, MA.
BACK HERE.
- YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED
IN MAY, AREN'T YOU, BARONE?
- YEAH, I KNOW.
I KNOW, KEON, AND, SEE,
I WAS GONNA INVITE YOU,
BUT IF I INVITE YOU,
THEN I HAVE TO INVITE
EVERYONE IN THE K-9 UNIT,
AND THEN WHAT AM I GONNA DO
WITH THE BOMB SQUAD?
- IT'S ALL RIGHT, MAN.
I'M JUST BUSTING YOUR CHOPS.
[laughing]
- THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!
- ALL RIGHT, I'VE READ--
- YOU WILL SPEAK UP,
WON'T YOU?
- I'VE READ THE REPORT.
OPERATING A VEHICLE
UNDER THE INFLUENCE.
- EXCUSE ME, SIR.
IS THAT WHAT IT SAYS?
"OPERATING A VEHICLE"?
BECAUSE THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I WASN'T OPERATING A VEHICLE.
I OPERATED PARTS
OF THE VEHICLE--
THE RADIO AND THE SEAT--
BUT THEN I FELL ASLEEP.
- YOU PASSED OUT.
- OH, NO, NO,
I DIDN'T PASS OUT.
I TOOK A NAP.
IN FACT, I CAN PROVE IT
BECAUSE MY HANDS WERE LIKE THIS,
AND YOU DON'T DO THAT
WHEN YOU PASS OUT.
WHEN YOU PASS OUT,
YOU'RE MORE LIKE--
[groans]
I EVEN RECLINED THE SEAT.
THAT SHOULD BE IN THE REPORT
BECAUSE THAT CLEARLY SHOWS...
INTENT TO NAP.
SIR, WEREN'T MY HANDS
LIKE THIS?
- SHE SHOULD'VE
LAWYERED UP.
- YOU DIDN'T BRUSH
YOUR TEETH TODAY, DID YOU?
- DO YOU MAKE A HABIT
OF DRINKING,
GETTING BEHIND
THE WHEEL OF A CAR,
PUTTING THE KEY
IN THE IGNITION,
AND THEN TAKING A NAP?
- OH, NO, NO.
NO, THAT'S NOT A HABIT OF MINE.
THERE WAS JUST NO ONE
I COULD CALL FOR A RIDE HOME.
- THERE ARE CABS, MRS. BARONE.
- YES, AND THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
A GOOD IDEA,
BUT, YOU SEE,
I COULDN'T CALL ONE
BECAUSE, WELL,
MY MOTHER-IN-LAW LIVES
ACROSS THE STREET,
AND SHE WOULD HAVE
SEEN THE CAB,
AND THEN I NEVER WOULD HAVE
HEARD THE END OF IT.
- MRS. BARONE, THIS IS NOT
ABOUT YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.
- YES, BUT I'M JUST TRYING
TO SHOW YOU--
- THIS IS ABOUT YOUR LICENSE.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT WAS MY RESPONSIBILITY,
AND I SCREWED UP.
- DEBRA.
DEBRA.
- WHAT?
- DO YOU NEED MY HELP?
- GOD, NO!
- SIR, WE HAVE HER DRINKING
COMPLETELY UNDER CONTROL NOW.
- RAY!
- OPEN YOUR SHIRT.
- THIS--
- MRS. BARONE--
- THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT SHE DID AT THE SHOWER!
THIS IS WHAT
SHE ALWAYS DOES!
SHE JUST HAS TO
RUN MY LIFE.
THAT'S WHY I YELLED AT HER
AT THE SHOWER,
THAT'S WHY I COULDN'T
CALL HER FOR A RIDE HOME,
AND THAT'S WHY
I AM HERE, SIR.
YES, I HAD A FEW DRINKS.
I SHOULD BE DRUNK EVERY DAY!
BUT I'M NOT
BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE
A DRINKING PROBLEM, SIR.
WHAT I HAVE
IS A MOTHER-IN-LAW PROBLEM!
- SIR, SHE'S RIGHT.
I WAS WRONG.
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MA'AM.
- NO, NO, NO.
IT'S MY FAULT,
AND I WANT TO ACCEPT
COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY.
- WELL, YOU CAN'T, BUT THANKS.
- I JUST WANTED AMY'S SHOWER
TO BE SPECIAL.
THAT'S WHY I MADE
ALL THOSE APPETIZERS,
LIKE THE CAPRESE
AND THE STUFFED MUSHROOMS.
DID YOU GET ANY OF THOSE?
- EXCUSE ME,
I HAVE A FULL SCHEDULE.
- THIS IS IMPORTANT.
I KNOW I TOOK OVER
A LITTLE TOO MUCH,
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT MY PLACE WAS
AT THAT BRIDAL SHOWER.
- IT'S OKAY, MARIE.
- NO, IT'S NOT OKAY.
IT WAS YOUR PARTY.
I SHOULD HAVE
JUST STEPPED ASIDE
AND LET YOU SERVE
YOUR FROZEN WHATEVERS.
I'M SORRY.
- THANKS, MARIE.
- YOU GETTING ALL THIS?
- I'M SORRY, SIR.
- NO, NO, I THINK
SHE MIGHT HAVE HELPED.
I NOW FULLY UNDERSTAND YOUR
EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES--
WHICH HAS NO BEARING
ON THE CASE,
BUT I DO BELIEVE
THAT YOU DID HAVE
INTENT TO NAP.
I'M RETURNING YOUR LICENSE,
SUBJECT TO
A YEAR'S PROBATION.
[cheering and laughter]
GOOD-BYE, EVERYBODY,
AND GOOD LUCK TO WHOEVER'S
MARRYING INTO THIS.
- THANK YOU.
THANK YOU!
OH, WASN'T THAT SOMETHING?
- YES, IT WAS.
YOU REALLY DO NEED ME.
DEBRA, I MUST SAY,
THAT WAS A VERY GOOD MEAL.
- MY PLEASURE, MARIE.
AND YOUR MOUSSE IS FANTASTIC.
- YOU KNOW, THE MOOSE IS
ACTUALLY A VERY VICIOUS ANIMAL,
BUT IT'S NOT YOUR ANTLERS
YOU GOT TO WATCH OUT FOR.
THEY USE THEIR GAS.
- YOU AND A MOOSE
WOULD BE A GOOD FIGHT.
- REALLY, MA,
THIS IS SCRUMPTIOUS.
RICH.
- THAT'S BECAUSE I USE
REAL VALRHONA CHOCOLATE,
AND I EVEN ADDED SOME BRANDY.
NO!