Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 7, Episode 14 - Just a Formality - full transcript

- HEY. READY?
- YEAH.

HEY, WHAT'S UP?
LET'S GO.

HEY. HI, AMY.

- HEY, RAY.
HEY, BE CAREFUL.

- IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M GOOD NOW.

- DEB ISN'T HOME, IS SHE?

- NO.

- WELL, TELL HER I SAID HI.

HAVE A GOOD TIME TODAY.
- ALL RIGHT.

THANKS FOR BRINGING ME BY.
SEE YA.

- HOW 'BOUT A KISS?
- OH.



DID YOU SEE HOW I PLAYED IT
THERE WITH AMY, NICE AND COOL?

SHE DOESN'T SUSPECT A THING.

- LIKE WHAT,
THAT YOU'RE A DWARF ON STILTS?

- WHAT THE LOVELY AMY
DOES NOT SUSPECT

IS THAT HER BOYFRIEND, ROBERT,

IS ABOUT TO PROPOSE TO HER!

- WHAT?

- YEAH, YEAH, I'M GONNA ASK HER
TO MARRY ME.

- YEAH?

- ALL RIGHT,
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY.

"ARE YOU SURE, ROBERT?

"YOU DON'T HAVE EXACTLY
THE BEST TRACK RECORD.

"PEOPLE WHO DO NOT
REMEMBER HISTORY

ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT IT."



- NO, NO.
I WAS GONNA SAY CONGRATULATIONS.

- WHY CAN'T YOU JUST
BE HAPPY FOR ME?

- I AM.
I'M HAPPY, ROBERT.

I REALLY AM.
IT'S--IT'S GREAT.

HA HA!
OH, MAN!

WOW.
WAIT'LL DEBRA HEARS ABOUT THIS.

- NO!

- WHAT?

- YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING
TO ANYBODY.

I DON'T WANT AMY TO GET ANY WIND
OF THIS UNTIL I'M READY.

- ALL RIGHT,
I WON'T TELL ANYBODY!

GOD.

COME ON.
ARE WE HITTING A BUCKET OR WHAT?

- OH, NO DRIVING RANGE TODAY.

THIS WAS ALL JUST
TO THROW HER OFF.

I GOT A LOT OF THINGS
I GOT TO DO.

SEE YOU LATER.

- WELL, WHAT DO I DO NOW?
I'M ALL HORNY FOR GOLF!

- LOOK, HONEY, I FOUND
ANOTHER PIECE OF JESUS' BEARD.

- OH, GOOD.
PUT THAT IN THE PILE.

I'M STILL WORKING
ON THE SANDALS.

[doorbell rings]

- I'LL GET IT.

- I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE
AT THIS HOUR.

- HELLO, MR. MACDOUGALL.

- ROBERT?

- IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

MAY I?

- UH...SURE.

AMY'S NOT HERE, YOU KNOW.

- OH, NO,
I'M HERE TO SEE YOU.

MRS. MACDOUGALL.

SORRY TO INTERRUPT
YOUR EVENING.

- HELLO, ROBERT.
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

WHAT BRINGS YOU
TO PENNSYLVANIA?

- MY CAR.

[both chuckle]

- WOULD YOU LIKE
SOME WARM CIDER?

- OH, NO,
NO, THANK YOU.

I DON'T WANT TO TAKE UP
TOO MUCH OF YOUR TIME.

ANYWAY...UM...

THE REASON THAT I'M HERE...

[breathing deeply]

I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT
ABOUT AMY,

AND SHE MEANS THE WORLD TO ME.

IN FACT, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

I WANT TO DO THINGS RIGHT.

AND OUT OF RESPECT FOR HER

AND YOU,

I WOULD LIKE
TO FORMALLY REQUEST

YOUR DAUGHTER'S HAND
IN MARRIAGE.

- NO.

- WHAT?

- NO.

- NO?

- WE DON'T THINK
IT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA.

- IT'S NICE TO
SEE YOU AGAIN, THOUGH.

YOU PROBABLY HAVE
A LONG DRIVE BACK.

I'LL PUT SOME CIDER
IN A CUP FOR YOU.

- [stammering]

PLEASE.
MAY I ASK--I--WHY?

- WHY?

HE WANTS TO KNOW WHY.

- OH, PETER.

ROBERT, HAVE YOU MET
AMY'S BROTHER PETER?

- NO.
WE'VE NEVER HAD THE PLEASURE.

I MET HIS BROTHER
RAYMOND ONCE.

HE CAME
INTO MY COMIC BOOK STORE.

I LIKED HIM.

- OH, IT'S A PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU, PETER.

I'VE HEARD A LOT
OF GREAT THINGS ABOUT YOU.

- IS THAT A NEW SHIRT?

- YES, IT IS, MAMA.
DO YOU LIKE IT?

- VERY MUCH.
YOU LOOK HANDSOME.

- THANK YOU, MAMA.

- [clears throat]
I'M SORRY.

BUT YOU KNOW...
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

- WELL, ROBERT,
YOU JUST DON'T SEEM TO HAVE

THE STABILITY WE'D PREFER

IN A HUSBAND FOR OUR AMY.

- WELL, LOOK, YOU KNOW, WE'VE
HAD OUR UPS AND DOWNS, BUT--

- IT'S JUST THAT
OVER THE YEARS, ROBERT,

THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY TIMES
WHEN AMY WAS VERY UNHAPPY.

- YOU DON'T KNOW
THE HALF OF IT, MAMA.

SO OFTEN SHE WOULD COME
INTO THE STORE

AND CURL UP
IN THE USED COMIC SECTION

AND CRY LIKE LITTLE LOTTA.

- OH, MY.

SO YOU COULD SEE, ROBERT,

I THINK ANY PARENT
WOULD NOT WANT THEIR DAUGHTER

TO HAVE A LIFE OF...

YOU.

- BUT I'M--I'M DIFFERENT NOW.
I--I FEEL--

- ROBERT, I'M THE KIND OF FELLOW
WHO LOVES A GOOD DISCUSSION.

ASK ANYBODY.
I'M THAT KIND OF GUY.

BUT THIS IS NOT OPEN
FOR DISCUSSION.

OKAY?

- I'LL SHOW HIM THE DOOR.

- WAIT--WAIT.
JUST--UH!

LET ME--OKAY,
SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS,

I CAN'T MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER?

- THAT'S CORRECT.

BUT THANKS FOR ASKING.

- HEY.

- HI, ROBERT.
- HEY.

- ROBBIE, YOU'RE OUT
LATE TONIGHT.

WHERE WERE YOU?

- UH, NOWHERE, MA.
I WAS JUST OUT.

RAYMOND, DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE?
COULD I--

- WHAT?

- SOMETHING IS WRONG.

WHAT IS IT?

IS IT SOMETHING WITH AMY?

I KNEW IT!

THAT'S THE LOOK YOU HAVE

EVERY TIME
YOU BREAK UP WITH HER.

- OH, ROBERT, NOT AGAIN!

- YOU BROKE UP WITH AMY.

DO YOU KNOW THAT
YOU'RE KILLING ME, ROBBIE?

DO YOU EVEN CARE
THAT YOU'RE KILLING ME?

- MA!
- DIG A GRAVE AND THROW ME IN.

- I'VE GOT A SHOVEL.

- WHY DID YOU BREAK UP WITH AMY?

- MA, I DIDN'T BREAK UP
WITH AMY!

I WANT TO ASK HER TO MARRY ME!

- MARRY YOU?

- REALLY?

- YES.

[both scream-laughing]

- I'M SO HAPPY!
SO HAPPY!

- YEAH, SON.
HOLY CRAP!

- OH, YOU'RE GONNA MARRY AMY.

- LISTEN, MA.
I SAID I WANT TO MARRY AMY.

BUT I WENT TO
ASK HER PARENTS FIRST,

AND THAT'S WHERE I WAS TONIGHT.

- OH, HOW ARE HER PARENTS?

I'M SURE THEY'RE VERY NICE.

- THEY ARE VERY NICE,

AND THEY VERY NICELY SAID NO.

- WHAT?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "NO"?

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HOW COULD THEY SAY THAT?

- I COULD SEE THAT.

- STOP IT, FRANK.
THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

- WHY'D YOU GO TO HER PARENTS?

- IT WAS JUST A FORMALITY.
I NEVER THOUGHT THEY'D SAY NO.

AND HER BROTHER PETER,
HE HATES ME.

- OH, I MET THAT GUY ONCE.
HE'S LIKE A PSYCHO NUT JOB.

- YEAH?
HE'S FOND OF YOU.

- YEAH? WHAT'D HE SAY?

- WHO CARES ABOUT HER FAMILY?
- EXCUSE ME.

WHEN YOU MARRY A PERSON,
YOU ALSO MARRY THE FAMILY.

- I'VE HEARD.

OKAY, YOU LISTEN TO ME, ROBERT.

THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND AMY.

HER PARENTS ARE JUST GONNA
HAVE TO GET USED TO THE IDEA.

BUT IT'S YOUR LIFE.
YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.

- UNTIL YOU GET MARRIED.

THEN YOU DO WHAT
SHE WANTS TO DO.

- AND HOW ABOUT
THAT CHOCOLATE CAKE?

- FANTASTIC.

IT ALWAYS TASTES BETTER
WITHOUT THE FAMILY.

[both laugh]

[siren blaring]

- WHICH ONE OF YOU
IS AMY MACDOUGALL?

- SHE--SHE IS.
- PLEASE STEP BACK, MA'AM.

- AMY MACDOUGALL, YOU HAVE
THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SINGLE.

ANYTHING YOU SAY MAY BE USED
AGAINST YOU IN A CHURCH OF GOD.

IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A HUSBAND,
ONE MAY BE PROVIDED FOR YOU.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THESE RIGHTS
AS I HAVE READ THEM TO YOU?

- HUH?

- SHE DOESN'T GET IT.

- ALL RIGHT.
WHO'S GONNA CUFF HER?

- HI, AMY.

I LOVE YOU, AMY.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

- HUH?

- I LOVE YOU.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?

- BUT, ROBERT,

WE--WE NEVER
EVEN TALKED ABOUT--

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

- I'M READY TO BE HAPPY.

- I AM TOO.

- IS THAT A YES?

- HUH?

OH, HI.

YES!

YES!
- YES!

- YES!

- YES! YES!

[all laughing]

- WHOO!

- OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!

- DON'T YOU WANT
TO PUT THIS ON?

- OH.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

I'M GETTING MARRIED!

[squeals]

TO YOU!

"ROBERT AND I
ARE GETTING MARRIED."

THERE'S GOING TO BE A MARRIAGE,
AND I WILL BE THE WIFE.

A BRIDE! WITH A DRESS!

THANKS FOR MARRYING ME!

- MY PLEASURE.

- CAN YOU DO
ONE THING FOR ME?

- FOR YOU,
I'LL DO TWO THINGS.

- I KNOW IT SOUNDS QUEER,
BUT IT'S IMPORTANT.

CAN YOU ASK MY FATHER
FOR MY HAND?

IT WOULD MEAN
SO MUCH TO THEM.

- NO PROBLEM.

- WELL, THERE WE ARE.

IS THAT NOT OUR LORD
IN ALL HIS GLORY, OR WHAT?

- IT IS A GLORIOUS PUZZLE.

[doorbell rings]

I'LL GET IT, HONEY.

- NOW, WHO COULD THAT BE?

- OH, MY...

HELLO.

- HELLO, MRS. MACDOUGALL,
MR. MACDOUGALL.

- GIVE ME STRENGTH.

- NOW, BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING,

I WOULD LIKE YOU
TO MEET SOMEONE

WHO I BELIEVE
WILL MAKE YOU FEEL

A HECK OF A LOT BETTER
ABOUT ME,

BECAUSE YOU WILL SEE
THE TYPE OF PERSON

WITH WHOM I ASSOCIATE WITH.

THIS IS
AN AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST,

A WHOLESOME FAMILY MAN,

AND ONE OF LYNBROOK,
LONG ISLAND'S,

MOST EXEMPLARY CITIZENS.

- HOW YOU DOIN'?

I'M HIS BROTHER.

- HELLO. I'VE HEARD A LOT
OF NICE THINGS ABOUT YOU.

PLEASE COME IN.

- OKAY, WE'RE IN!

IT'S A LOVELY HOME,
ISN'T IT?

- IT IS LOVELY.

- PENNSYLVANIA.

- LET ME GET YOU
SOME WARM CIDER, UM...

- RAYMOND.

RAY BARONE, SPORTSWRITER,

"NEWSDAY" NEWSPAPER,
PRIZEWINNER.

WON A PRIZE.

- I'LL GET THE CIDER.

- LISTEN, UH,
ROBERT, RAYMOND,

I REALLY APPRECIATE
YOU FELLAS

COMING ALL THE WAY
BACK HERE, BUT--

- GO AHEAD, RAYMOND.

- YOU KNOW,
I DID WANT TO MEET YOU TWO.

OH, THANK YOU THERE.
THANK YOU.

UM...I--PLEASE, COULD WE SIT?

LET'S JUST SIT
FOR A SECOND, OKAY?

GOOD. GOOD.
THIS IS NICE.

- YES.

- HEY, ISN'T HE THE GUY

WHO SELLS TIE-DYED SHIRTS
AT THE BEACH?

THAT WAS JUST A JOKE.

THAT'S--I--

HE'S GREAT.
I HAVE HIS BOOK.

ANYWAY--

- RAYMOND IS MARRIED.
HE HAS CHILDREN.

- YES, I DO, ROBERT.

- GOOD, GOOD FAMILY.

GOD-FEARING, RIGHT?

CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY.

ALL OF US,
GOD-FEARING PEOPLE.

WE'RE SCARED TO DEATH.

- HELLO AGAIN.

RAYMOND!
HOW WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU!

HE'S THE GOOD ONE, MAMA.

- THANKS THERE, PETER,
BUT ROBERT'S GOOD TOO.

HE'S A GOOD PERSON.

LIEUTENANT IN
THE NEW YORK POLICE FORCE.

HE'S LIKE A HERO.

HE'S ALSO THE KINDEST
AND SWEETEST GUY I KNOW.

AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY,
HE LOVES AMY VERY MUCH,

AND I KNOW THAT HE WOULD DEVOTE
HIS WHOLE LIFE TO HER.

- OH, I THINK MISS PUSS
HAS A KISS FOR YOU, RAYMOND.

- HEY.

HI, THERE.

MRS. PUSS.
THAT'S VERY NICE.

I WAS JUST, UH,
TELLING THEM ABOUT--

- ABOUT YOUR BROTHER?

ABOUT YOUR BROTHER.
OKAY, FINE.

THEN WHY DON'T WE REALLY TELL
ABOUT HIM THEN, SHALL WE?

- PETER, DON'T GET EXCITED.

- NO, MAMA, I'M SORRY.

I HAVE TRIED TO KEEP
CERTAIN DETAILS FROM YOU,

BUT NOW YOU HAVE TO KNOW.

ISN'T IT TRUE,
LIEUTENANT BARONE,

THAT WHILE YOU
WERE SEEING AMY,

YOU WERE ALSO SEEING
TWO OTHER WOMEN?

- WHAT?

- NO, NO, THAT WAS JUST,
LIKE, FOR A MINUTE.

YOU SEE, THE FIRST GIRL I MET
WAS WHEN I WENT TO ITALY,

AND IT WAS REALLY JUST
AN INTERNATIONAL MIX-UP.

AND--AND THEN THE OTHER GIRL
WAS MY EX-WIFE, WHICH--

- EX-WIFE?

- OH, MY.
YOU'RE DIVORCED?

- SHE WAS A STRIPPER,
WASN'T SHE?

- NO, NOT AT ALL.

SHE WAS A DANCER
OF THE EXOTIC TRADITION.

- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHY DON'T WE JUST
CUT TO THE CHASE HERE

SO YOU CAN BE
ON YOUR WAY, OKAY?

ROBERT TOOK AMY'S VIRGINITY.

- OH...

- WHAT?

WHAT?

- [whimpering]

- LISTEN, REALLY,
THAT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS.

- HER VIRGINITY, MAMA.

HER VIRGINITY!

- STOP SAYING IT!

- THIS IS A TERRIBLE EVENING.

- I DON'T FEEL WELL.

- W-W-WAIT, PLEASE,
IF YOU WOULD.

- LISTEN, ROBERT'S REALLY
NOT THAT KIND OF GUY.

I MEAN, IF ANYTHING,

I REMEMBER HE WAS AFRAID
TO TOUCH YOUR DAUGHTER.

SHE WAS THE ONE
WHO WANTED IT.

- OH!

- ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

- I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

I'M IN PENNSYLVANIA!

- I'M GONNA GET MOTHER UPSTAIRS.

PERHAPS YOU BOYS SHOULD GO NOW.

- I'M DIZZY.
- LEAN ON ME, PAT.

WE SHOULD'VE NEVER LET
AMY GO TO THE CITY.

- WELL...

WE SHOULD DO THIS
AGAIN SOMETIME.

BUT NOW,
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

MISS PUSS AND I HAVE
SOME COCOA ON THE STOVE.

- OH.

WELL.

IT'S TOO LATE TO USE
THE BATHROOM, RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, YEAH.

- OH, HEY.
- HEY, GUYS.

- OH, HI.

- BETTER HEAD
FOR THE HILLS, ROBERT.

THE WOMENFOLK ARE TYING
THE NOOSE UP PRETTY TIGHT.

THE- COULD WE GO TALKNG
THFOR A COUPLE MINUTES?HT.

- OH, SURE.

- OH, ROBBIE, I FOUND A PLACE
THAT CAN MAKE YOU A TUXEDO.

THEY DO THE CIRCUS.

- LISTEN, AMY,
I WENT TO YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE.

- YOU DID?
DID YOU ASK THEM?

OH, THEY MUST'VE BEEN
SO THRILLED.

- YOUR MOTHER
COULDN'T STOP CRYING.

LISTEN, AMY.

THEY SAID NO.

- WHAT?

- THEY DON'T APPROVE OF ME,
OF MY PAST.

THEY SAID NO TO ME.

- WHAT?

REALLY?

- AMY, THEY LOVE YOU,

AND THEY WANT WHAT'S BEST
FOR YOU, AND...

I UNDERSTAND THAT.

SO I'M SORRY.

- WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.

I WANT TO GET MARRIED.

AND WE CAN FIX THIS.
I KNOW WE CAN.

MY PARENTS WILL LEARN
TO LOVE YOU

THE WAY
YOUR PARENTS LOVE YOU.

- GREAT.

- I KNOW.
I'LL TALK TO MY BROTHER PETER.

HE'LL HELP US.