Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 6, Episode 6 - Frank Goes Downstairs - full transcript

-Oh!
-Whoa!

Ow!

Ohh. Sorry.

Thought I had
a little more bed up there.

No, hey, Ray, stop!

- What?
- I really hurt my shoulder.

Oh. Can't you
just shake it off?

No.

No, it really hurts.

I think I better
put some ice on it.

My wrist hurts,
but you know what they say,



you should get
right back up on the horse.

I'm getting ice!

But the horse!

Ow...

My first sex injury.

Another season
of "Everybody Loves Raymond."

Ow!

Oh! Aah! God.

Oh! Whoa, man!

Hey, Gianni,
pass me that soda.

Oh! Aah! Jeez.

Aah, God.

Man, I hurt my wrist.
I really hurt that wrist.

Did you sprain it
opening a jar of marmalade?



How 'bout just
the opposite!

Debra and I had
some wild sex last night.

- Whoa!
- All right.

Oh, whoop-de-doo for you.

So what happened?

Well, no, no, I don't need
to talk about it.

Oh, would you stop?
You brought it up.

You got a phony bandage on.

You can't wait to tell
everybody everything!

Tell me anything.

No! No, no.

This isn't fair!

I haven't had sex
since my kid was born.

Your kid's
a year and a half.

Tell me your story.

All right.

All right.

You know, things
were happening,

and it got a little crazy.

And next thing I know,
we're airborne.

Whoo.

Long story short, this was
no marmalade accident.

That will never
happen to me.

No kidding.

She's hurt worse than me.

So you're proud of the fact
that you're such a klutz,

you fell out of bed
onto your poor petite wife.

I can honestly say
this was not my fault.

The lady got a little bit
out of control.

Really?
I gotta tell ya,

I always thought that
about Debra.

What?
What do you mean?

What are you thinking
about Debra?

Yeah, I can see that.

She seems to be very, uh...

animal.

All right, all right,
a little respect.

Is this how you talk
about your wife?

I guess they just handed
out wives to anybody, huh?

So you really
thought that about Debra?

Yeah. She's like
one of those

"uptight and bossy
on the surface

but wild underneath"
girls.

I'm uptight.
You think I'm wild underneath?

I'd hate to be underneath.

You know, you guys
should know about Debra,

she wasn't always--
she wasn't always like this.

But I guess over the years,
I've kind of created a monster.

Turn up the TV.

I'm coming back,

and I'll be eating
something crunchy.

All right, all right.

Just shut up now about
the boom-ba-dee-boom-boom.

Come on, your old man
would be proud of you.

- You were taking care of business.
- Every way.

Look, we don't talk
about that, all right?

What's wrong with you guys?
Have a little class, man.

Dad, those nachos
were for me.

I like cheese.
You knew the risks.

Hey, Frank. Ray hurt himself.
Ask him how.

Bernie!

Why?

Yeah, never mind.

No, it's a good story.
Ask him.

All right. Goahead.

What? It's nothin'.

I hurt my wrist,
that's all.

I fell down the stairs.

They're old and creaky,
those stairs.

What a marvelous story.

And you tell it beautifully.

I told you it was nothing.

How many years
have I got left?

You gotta waste my time
with that story?

What? I didn't want
to tell it to ya.

Then you should
cut your losses now

and stop talking.

A stair story.

Debra fell, too.

Hey, would you shut up!

All right?
Just shut up!

What are you bothering
my father for?

He's watching the game,

and he told me
he doesn't like you.

Two people falling.

Now maybe you got a story!

How'd that happen?

Yes, how?
Pray tell.

Same thing.
Those crazy-ass stairs there.

So if you see Debra later

and she has a sore shoulder,
that's why.

I don't understand
how two grown people

fall down the stairs.

Because it wasn't our fault.

Those stupid stairs,
they're dangerous, I tell you.

So did you really
fall down the stairs?

Which story's true?

Would you shut up?

No, really,
I'm confused

because they're
both quite convincing.

- Whew!
- All right.

I am laying down now
and scratching a few things.

Frank, what are
you doing?

I came over to check out
your stairs.

No wonder the two of you fell.
These look warped.

What are you talking--

Let's just leave him alone.

This is who he is.

This is how he defines himself
as a person.

But why is your father
fixing our stairs?

Who cares?
The Fudge Pops are melting!

Wait a minute.

Why does your father
think we fell down the stairs?

Because that's
what I told him.

You don't want him
knowing the truth, do you?

He came in the other night,
I was talking to the guys--

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

Did you tell the guys?

Uh...

they guessed.

You told your friends
about how we fell out of the bed?

No, they just got it.

My wrist, your shoulder...

it is kind of obvious.

Oh my God, Ray,
this is so embarrassing.

How could you?

It's guy talk!

Come on, that's what we do.
Hey, don't be embarrassed.

We're muy caliente!

Yeah,

and everyone knows it!

All right!

I don't want everyone
to know it, Ray!

The guys already think
you're wild and stuff anyway.

Well, I don't think--

wild?

Really?

Animal.

Really?
They think I'm wild?

See, see! You like it.
Everything is fine.

No, no, it is not fine!

Because you're not supposed
to be talking about that.

And then you have to make up
this whole thing about the stairs,

so now your father's
ripping 'em out!

How are we going
to get up the stairs?

Look at your eyes right now.
You are a little wild.

Get away from me.

- Hello, dears.
- Hi, Marie.

Frank wanted some ice water.

Believe it or not, Marie,

we have the ingredients
for that right here.

I know. But Frank
likes his ice cubes a little less murky.

All right.

Oh! I heard about you
falling down the stairs!

Sounds terrible.
Are you all right?

Yeah, we're fine,
Marie.

- My wrist is a little sore.
- Ray.

- Oh, you poor thing.
- Yeah.

What I don't understand is,
how did you both fall?

Were you going
down the stairs at the same time?

Yes, we were.

That is indeed
what we did do.

But why?

I don't know.

It was kind of like
a Jack-and-Jill situation.

I went, and then she,
you know...

Came tumbling after.

I don't understand.

There's no shame in that.
We all get old.

We were having a race.

Huh?

A race?
In the house?

Yeah, mm-hmm.

Something doesn't make sense.

It doesn't have to.

It's a tradition.

Atradition.

I never heard anything
about these races.

It's kind of our thing,
you know?

We do it all the time.

Sometimes we do
front door to back door.

Sometimes we do three times
around the couch.

Friday we usually
do the stairs.

Okay, Ray.

"Friday on the stairs,"
that's what we call it.

Frank must be
awfully thirsty by now.

Yeah, you know what,
he likes it when I give him that.

About the races, you don't
make the children race, do you?

- No no.
- No no, adults only.

You gotta be
at least this tall.

So that's how you both fell?

Aracearoundthe house,

which you often do
as a tradition?

Uh, yeah.

Stupid, humped-up
termite trap!

Oh, my God!
Frank, are you all right?

Holy crap!

Don't move,
I'm coming right down!

I'm in enough pain!

There you go.

You're doing surprisingly well
after taking such a fall, Mr. Barone.

No injuries
other than a broken rib.

Thank God!

You heard what he said.
I'm fine. No kissing.

I told him
not to fix the stairs.

I knew something
like this would happen.

I can't bear
to see him hurt.

Why are you
such a stubborn idiot?!

Doctor, can l
have this removed?

Doctor, before you go,

is there such a thing
as a personality transplant?

Okay, crazies,
we're in public here.

Hey, Doc,
what's this stuff drippin' into me?

That's just some painkiller
to help with any discomfort.

But I'm not experiencing
any discomfort.

That's because it's
probably starting to work.

Oh.

Way to go,
tube and baggie.

Yes. Now, a nurse will be in
at the end of the day

to give you
your discharge papers.

Papers? Don't you guys
have bedpans anymore?

You see what
you did to him, huh?

All of this because you and Debra
"fell down the stairs"!

- All right, Robert.
- Don't, Robert.

Doctor,
while you're still here,

would you just take
a look at my son's wrist?

Yeah, and, Ray,
when was the last time

someone looked
at that testicle?

Dad!

What? No one's checked it
since he was a kid.

It's all right, Dad.

Hey hey hey,
nothin' to be ashamed of.

Okay, Dad.

And Debra, you should
show the doctor your shoulder.

No, I'm fine, Frank.
Thank you, though.

They took a tumble
down the stairs.

Both of you?

Unusual, isn't it?

We have
these little races.

Yeah, Ray, maybe you should let
the doctor check out your wrist.

I'm sure you and Debra
want to get back

to your active lifestyle
as soon as possible, hmm?

It's fine.
See? It's all better.

Really?
Let's arm-wrestle.

- Get away.
- Give it to me!

Get outta here.

But, Doctor, really,
you should take a look in his shorts.

No!

There's a problem
with one of the man berries.

Dad!

It's-- never mind.

Okay, then, if you don't need me,
Mr. Barone,

you try
and take it easy.

Okay. And, hey,
you take it easy, too.

Hey!

Peace.

I'm so sorry
this happened, Frank.

Hey, I was happy
to fix your stairs, Debra,

because you
needed it done.

And if I had to break
a hundred ribs,

it's a small price to pay
for the family stairs.

Yes.

I take care of my family.

"Family,"
that's a funny word.

Family...

family family family.

I gotta go pick up the kids.
You want to walk me out?

I'll go with you.

Hey, if you guys are racing,
I get winners.

We can never
have sex again.

What?

Look at your father,
lying in there hurt,

and all because we--

and now whenever--

I'm gonna think of him,
workin' on those stairs,

and then all of a sudden,
his little bald head

dropping out of sight.

Here's something
you might try--

think of me
when we're having sex.

This is awful, Ray.

We lied to him,
and now he has a broken rib.

We broke his rib!

We may as well have
rolled off that bed and onto him.

Are you trying
to put images in my head?

'Cause we may
never have sex again!

Hello! Hi.

Yeah. Look,
this is not our fault.

Yes, it is!

This is 30% my fault
and 70% yours!

Where do you come up
with those figures?

You started the whole thing.
None of this would have happened

if you didn't have to tell all
your friends what a big stud you are!

Oh, why couldn't
the nurse hear that?

The truth is, none of this
would've happened

if you didn't have that second glass
of wine that night.

Or if you let me buy
a king-size bed.

Or if just once,
God forbid,

you listen to me,
and we could start on the floor!

- We have to do something for him.
- All right. Fine.

How do we make this up to him?
We have to get him a satellite dish.

What? No!

I'll go to the cafeteria,
I'll get him a nice Jell-o parfait.

We have to make this right.

I cannot go to bed every night
with those images in my head.

All right.
I'll take care of it.

Last thing you need
is another excuse.

Oh, Raymond,
I'm so glad you're back.

I want to take Robbie and introduce him
to a nurse I just met.

I don't think I should meet
anybody new right now.

I didn't wash
my hair today.

She works in the hospital.

I'm sure she's used
to seeing all kinds of things.

Come back soon,
smushy face.

So, how's it going,
okay?

Sure, I'm fine.

Good.
Yeah, you look good.

- Listen--
- I was thinkin'

it should be pretty easy
to finish those stairs.

The hard part's
already done...

where I fall through them.

It's all right.
I can hire somebody to do it now.

No, no, no.
No way.

I want to fix your stairs.

Me...
not some guy!

That's nice.

I feel bad you got hurt,
so l--

Hey, don't feel bad.

This is what it's all about.

What do you mean?

I'm not an idiot.

Remember when you were a kid,
you gave me that mug

that said
"World's Greatest Dad"?

I hated that.

Because I knew
I was not that mug.

And now you've got
kids of your own--

the way you are
with them--

What? What, Dad?

I liked it when you moved in
across the street,

'cause I could
come to your house,

you could come
to my house.

Nothin' much, just...

doin' stuff,
watchin' the game,

playin' some pool.

By the way, one of us
should get a pool table.

It's good what we got...

'cause we're pals now.

Debra and I didn't
fall down the stairs.

What?

We actually hurt ourselves
in the, you know,

bedroom.

Abedroom race?

No.

No, there are
no races, Dad.

But they're a tradition.

We-- we fell off
the bed,

both of us.
Hmm?

We fell off the bed
when we were having sex.

That's how we got hurt.

Then this is
about your testicle.

What-- no.

Dad, no, it's not.

I lied to you.
I told you the stairs were bad

so you wouldn't know
what Debra and I were doing,

and you wouldn't have broken
your rib if it wasn't for me,

and I'm buying you
a satellite dish, all right?

Oh.

Now, that's a good story.

Why didn't you
just tell me that story?

Because it's
like a sex story.

I don't feel comfortable,
you know,

telling you
that kind of stuff.

But we're pals.

Okay. We're pals.

Hey, you want
to know somethin', pal?

Could I tell you a story?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

One night your mother
had a little too much Kahlua--

No, no, Dad!
No!

But it's story time.

No, look,
you need your rest.

Wait, you'll love this.

No no no,
sweet dreams, pal.

It was cold outside...

All right,
here you go.

So how's that rib doin',
Frank?

It's coming along, although I still
can't burp the way I like.

Well, you stick to your rehab.

I'm happy to be
out of that hospital.

They had me so drugged up,

I didn't know whether
I was comin' or goin'.

I thought what they had you on
was marvelous.

I'm gonna call Mexico

and try to get some
for the house.