Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 6, Episode 5 - Marie's Sculpture - full transcript

Marie makes a sculpture of something that looks inappropriate. But Ray can't find the strength to tell her.

Your mother's never
at home anymore.

She hasn't cooked for me
in a month.

She's really loving
that sculpture class, isn't she?

Yeah, thanks
for talking her into that.

I just ate a fistful
of bullion cubes.

Hey, did you know
that Marie's teacher

said that she has
real talent?

Really? The teacher
that she pays?

Never mind.
She's meeting new people.

I think that's
good for her.

Have you talked
to them?



Hi everyone.

Oh my God, look.

They've tented your mother
for termites.

I finished the piece
I was working on.

Is it a sandwich?

I'm so excited.

I can't wait
for you to see it.

Are you ready?

Ready?

Bring it in, Robbie.
Be careful.

Hey, everybody...

Shh!
Don't ruin the moment.

Okay, everybody.

I want to thank
both Raymond and Debra



for their support
and encouragement

of my artistic pursuits.

All right, Frank.

In the tradition
of artists and their patrons,

the Michelangelos
and the Medicis,

I give you...

this.

Marie, this is fantastic.

You like it?

Wow.

I love it.
You really did this?

Yeah, Ma, it's great!

Robbie, turn on
the lights.

Can I talk to you?

Come over here a second.

Did you look
at the... sculpture?

Yeah. It's great.
What?

Yeah, well...

what does it look like?

I don't know.

It doesn't look
like anything.

Oh, it definitely
looks like something.

What?

Don't you think it looks
a little like a...

What?

Isn't it a bit too...

ladylike?

- Great!
- You see?

Oh, now I do,
thank you.

Raymond,
what do you think?

What? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh-huh?

Yeah, it... it's wonderful,
Marie, really.

So, Ma,
what is it?

It's an abstract.

Not abstract enough.

You've done
an amazing job.

It looks like something,
though.

What does it look like?

I don't think
Raymond likes it.

What?

You're hardly
looking at it.

I'm lookin' at it.

You can get close.
You can even touch it.

I'm fine!

This is bugging me.

Where have I
seen this before?

You know, the Greeks
used to say

that the shape
is in the stone

just waiting
to come out.

What?

Oh... my God!

What, Robbie?

Huh?

No...

It's nothing.
It's fabulous!

Abstract!

Very...

I gotta tell ya,

I don't know
what the hell this is,

but I love it.

Do you really, Frank?

Oh, thank you.

Wow.

You see it, huh?

Yeah. Make it stop.

Well, where
should we put it?

What?

It's a gift
to you and Raymond.

Man, oh, man.

I think it looks great
right here.

It becomes the focal point
of the whole room.

Oh, my God!

You have to
say something!

Why me?

Because this is
a woman's issue.

You know how you
can tell it's good art?

Because it follows you
when you move.

Robbie, let's take
the dolly back to the studio.

With pleasure, Mother.

Enjoy your sculpture,
Raymond!

Ta-ta.

Dad?

Dad, you can
go now, too.

In a minute.

You can visit it
later, all right?

You know,
I'll tell you what,

I'm gonna bring
my camera over here

and get a shot of all of us
standing around it.

Hey, that could be
our Christmas Card!

You know...

maybe...

well, from this angle,

it looks kind of like a...

like a...

a sailboat.

Yes, I see a sailboat.

A sailboat that could
use a pair of underwear!

Listen...

your mother gave this
to us,

and if we have to live with it,

it's gonna be a sailboat.

Whoa, whoa.
I'm not living with it.

I can't live with it!

You can't
tell her that.

Now, this may
make you uncomfortable,

but we have got
to support her.

Oh, great, yes,
we'll support her.

Meantime, there's gonna be
a cover charge

to get in our living room.

I can't find my crayons.

Crayons? No,
there's no crayons here.

Here they are, honey.
There you go, sweetie.

What's that?

What? What?

Ohh.
It's something

that your grandmother
carved out of stone.

This is called a sculpture.

This is art.

Okay, maybe that's
enough art for now.

Go play.

Can I color it?

No.
Go upstairs.

You know, not that
I would encourage it,

but the way he was looking at it,
that's good, right?

He's like a little man.

Idiot.

What...

Because my father
was concerned about him

in that department!

Oh, damn,
it does follow you.

If you're gonna
stand there,

at least block my view.

What?

I've been thinking about it,
and I'm wondering,

where's my sculpture?

What are you talking about?
You want one of these?

You mean, a sign of affection
from my mother?

I don't know.
What's that like?

This is a sign
of affection?

In its own
disturbing way, yes.

You're sick.

- You're sick.
- You're sick.

- You.
- I loathe you.

Bye.

Okay, great.
The Parkers' basement is flooded.

That's funny.
I hate that Parker.

No, that's
not funny, Ray.

Their whole house
is flooded.

That means
no play date.

Oh. So why can't the kids
just come over here?

I don't know, Ray.
Do we really want to have

all the neighborhood kids
come over here

and learn about the birds
and the gigantic bees?

I thought it was
a sailboat.

Frank, what are you doing?

He's been standing there
for an hour.

Would you stop
staring at that?

You're freakin' me out!

Why? It's just
a sailboat.

That's no sailboat!

Look,
come on, Dad.

Where are
we going?

Pizza.

Can't we just
order in?

Let's go.

You know what?

Pizza sounds good. I'm gonna
get a couple slices.

Oh, no no no.
You're not going anywhere.

Why? Why not?

Because I can't take
one more day

being stuck here
with that.

And the kids
and their questions...

"Why did Grandma
make that?

What is it?
Why is it so big?"

I can't take it
anymore.

I am seeing it
in my sleep.

I see it,

and I know
it's your mother's,

and we have to
get rid of it.

All right.

I'm with you. How?

I don't know,
just do it.

I can't
look at it anymore.

All right.
Okay.

You know what?

I'm covering it up
for now.

I'll start sanding it down
tomorrow.

Every day
a little bit more.

I'll sneak the dust out
in my pants to the yard.

I was just in the...

You know
what I'm doin'?

I'm coverin' it up...

because it seems...

so alive

that it should rest
at night.

Nighty-night.

Raymond?

You're covering my sculpture
with a garbage bag?

Well, uh, well...

we didn't want it
to get dirty.

You know how dusty
I let this house get.

I know, dear,
but that's all right.

I gave it to you
to enjoy.

A little dust
can't hurt it.

I know, but don't you
want to enjoy it, too?

It doesn't seem fair

that we get
all the enjoyment.

Maybe you could keep it
at your house,

and we could come by
for enjoyable visits.

Yeah, that would
be great.

But I gave it to you.

Yes.
Yes, you did.

And we love it.

Love it!

But I was
just thinking,

Just now, um...

it's so precious.
I mean,

what if one of the kids
breaks it?

Yeah...
that would be bad.

If you're worried
about that,

we could move it.

Oh, it could go
in your bedroom.

- No!
- No no no!

- No.
- No, no.

We... we don't really like
art in the bedroom.

Too highfalutin'.

We're simple folk.

Are you saying
you don't want it?

Well,
the thing is...

It's not really
my taste.

I like the kind
of statues...

like a horse.

Or somebody's head.

Or the Heisman Trophy,
that's a beauty.

I'm really into
unicorns myself.

I see.

All right.

Well...

thank you
for your candor.

But you're really
a great sculptress.

You know...
why don't you...

why don't you do
like a... a Mount Rushmore,

only... with us?

It's okay, Raymond,
you don't have to keep it.

And I don't expect you
to come

to the class exhibit, either.

I think it's safe to say
you wouldn't enjoy it.

Oh, Marie...

And I'm sorry that it had to be
in your house for so long.

I'll have it removed
just as soon as possible.

I think it's mad.

Hello.

Hello.

Raymond Barone?

Mm-hmm.

I'm Sister Ann,
this is Sister Beth.

We're here to pick up
the sculpture.

You're what?

The one your mother donated
to the church auction.

Oh, oh, oh,
yeah, yeah.

That sculpture,
that's not here anymore.

- It's not?
- No, no.

Isn't that
a sculpture?

No, no, no.

- But... but... ow!
- It's not.

Ow.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, Sister,
yes, uh,

you mean that sculpture.

Yeah, yeah,
that's the sculpture.

L-l... we...
we had another sculpture.

I got confused, that's all.

That... that's the sculpture.

I was not lying to nuns.

Okay,
let's load it up.

Okay, all right.
Take it away.

Enjoy it.

The sheet comes with it.

You get that for free.

No lie.

The sheet should
stay on it all the time.

It's kind of
part of the sculpture.

No no...

Oh, my.

Well...

Pretty abstract,
huh?

Okay, all right,
all right.

Let's load
this puppy up.

Good, Sisters,
I'm glad you're here.

Oh, boy.

Mrs. Barone, hello.

Is that the sculpture
you intended

- to contribute to the church auction?
- Yes.

Well, don't you think
the subject matter is...

might be inappropriate?

Subject matter?
What do you mean?

Forgive me, but is that
not a sculpture of...

What?

What's wrong with you?

It's just that it may
not be right for the church...

Are you crazy?

Uh, Sisters,
thank you for coming by.

We certainly appreciate it.

If you have
anything else,

we'll be happy
to take it.

If you have a sculpture
of almost anything else.

We don't have
any more sculptures.

I have a ceramic
pig upstairs.

It's full of quarters.
You want that?

That's all right.
We'll just be going.

Okay, all right.
Thank you. God bless you.

I'll see you Sunday.
I'm gonna bring the pig!

Nuns, right?
What's going on?

Raymond, do you see
what they see?

Um...

I don't know.

No, tell me the truth.

Well...

maybe if I squint a little.

Oh, my God,
I'm a lesbian.

Mom.

Look at it!

I've seen it!

It's so obvious.

No, no,
it's not, really.

I'm a failure.

Hey...

there.

So what?

You... you made
a... thing.

It's not that, Raymond.

I'm not a prude.

The female body
is a beautiful thing...

Okay, okay.

Okay.

So what is it?
What's bothering you?

Well, it's supposed
to be an abstract.

The teacher told us
that we could make

any kind of a statue
we wanted.

And so I chose
an abstract

because I thought
it was easy.

Turns out
I can't even do that.

Debra thinks it looks
like a sailboat.

There's something
wrong with her.

I just tried to do
something different...

find something new,

that's all.

Something more than just
being a short order cook

for your father.

You wanted to find something new
about yourself?

Mm-hmm.

Well...

nobody expected this.

Ta-da!

All right, Raymond.

No, come on, Ma,
you made something here.

It was an accident.

Hey, so was penicillin.

And Robert.

No, come on.

Come over here.

Look.
Look at this.

I mean, look.

All right, it may not
be my taste,

but this used to be
just a rock.

Even I can
appreciate that.

What do most people
who take an art class...

what do they make?

Like a little paperweight
or an ashtray,

but look what you did.

You...

you know, I mean...

look at this.
You made this.

You got people
talking.

You shocked people.

I think that's what
real artists do.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you, Raymond.

You're a good boy.

But really, you gotta
get it outta here.

Thank you for coming.

I'm thrilled you came.

Well, Marie, your piece
was the hit of the show!

Thank you, dear.

Congratulations, yeah.

You didn't have
to dedicate it to me.

Who else?

Who else?

Yeah. All right,

I gotta go home
and wash my eyes.

Okay, let's go.
Where's Frank?

If you ask me,
it looks like a...

Holy crap!