Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 6, Episode 3 - Odd Man Out - full transcript

Marie, door!

I'm in the kitchen.

Put your pants on
and get it yourself!

I got pants on.

I'm comin' already!

Marco.

Is this a bad time?

No, no, no.

For you, I zip.

Hey, come on in.

It's, uh, good to see you.



Nice seeing you.

Maybe sometime we play bocce,
like in Italy.

Yeah, great.

So, how do you like
livin' in America?

How's
the restaurant business?

Ah, it's not like home.

Everybody, they steal here.
All the time.

They don't steal in Italy?

In Italy,
they steal only once.

You want a beer?

Is your wife here?

Yeah, but she won't
bother us.

Sit down.
Open your pants.

Who is it... oh!



Hello, Marco.
What a nice surprise.

Buongiorno.

Yeah, buongiorno.

That's Italian
for "beer, Marie!"

Right away, Frank.
Would you like it

in a bottle over your head
or in a can somewhere else?

Scusa, Marie,
but I come to see you.

Really?

My daughter Stefania

says you're
a great teacher of piano.

With respect,
I ask you for favor.

Could you teach me?

What, are you kidding?

My mother, all her life,
she loves music.

She always wants me
to play.

But then when she gets sick,
I promise her to learn...

then she die.

Oh...

So you're off the hook.

Frank!

That is the sweetest thing
I have ever heard, Marco.

But it was
a long time ago.

I'm afraid now,
maybe I'm too old.

Oh, no. You're never too old
to do something for your mother.

I'll teach you right now.

Now? We're gonna
have a beer here!

Beer?

Here is a man who thirsts
for something more

than alcohol.

Here's a man who wants
music in his life.

I could use a little music
in my life.

The sweet sound
of the white coats

coming to take you off
to the nut farm.

You gotta believe!

I can't believe
the Jets are gonna win!

You gotta believe!

Hey, Dad,
the Jets just tied it!

Give it up, Papa!

Get away from me,
ya moron.

What's with you?

The Jets, man.
They tied the game.

Would you can it?

I'm trying to watch
the game here.

Chips, Debra!

Hey, Dad, if you're
gonna be like that,

why don't you just watch the game
at your own house?

I can't.

Your mother's giving Marco
another piano lesson.

Didn't he have one
yesterday?

Every day...

for two weeks now.

Marco?

The only thing I see
that guy playing

is the organ
in a haunted house.

That's a good one.

It's not just
the lessons anymore.

They're hanging out now.

They're friends.

Chips, Frank.

Wait, wait, wait.
What do you mean, friends?

They're together
all the time playing piano,

swappin' recipes.

Sometimes they sit
and listen to opera...

and cry!

Sounds like this is bothering
you a little bit, Frank.

Opera, just what
the world needs...

more fat women screaming!

You know what I think?

I think maybe you're
a little bit jealous, Frank.

Shut up.

Are you a little
jealous, Frankie?

Are you just
a little bit jealous?

No, don't do that, honey.

Be careful,
watch your finger.

All right!

So I'm a little jealous!

He shouldn't be with her!

He should be with me!

- What?
- Huh?

He was my friend first!

We played bocce in Italy.

Now he comes in the door...
it's like I don't exist.

Oh, cheer up, Dad,

I'm sure there's a guy
out there for you somewhere.

Yeah, maybe Marco
has a brother...

in the bell tower.

I want him out of my house.

So throw him out.

Ray, let your parents
work this out for themselves.

I'm just saying,
you want someone out,

you throw 'em out.

Yeah, you're the expert.

You, out!

I'm kidding.
You stay.

Hey, he can't just
throw him out.

Marco's not the kind of guy
you mess with.

Marco? That guy's no bigger
than a bag of laundry.

Remember when he took over
Nemo's Pizza?

And I said,
"What happened to Nemo?"

And he looked at me
with that face and said,

"He go away."

Has anybody seen
Nemo since?

Huh? Postcard?
Anything? No.

Marco knows how
to make people go away,

and that's all
I'm saying.

He don't scare me,
and I'm throwing him out!

Wait a minute, Frank.

Why don't you just
tell Marco how you feel?

That you want to be
his friend, too.

What am I, wearing a skirt
and Mary Janes?

I'm throwin' him out!

Say hi to Nemo for us.

And stay out!

But come on,
you only have a week

to learn this before
my birthday party.

You should have great
for your birthday. Not me.

Nonsense.
You're gonna be wonderful.

But keep practicing,

A little later
we'll make biscotti.

I like your biscotti.

I'll go make us
some tea.

Mm, mm, mmh!

Listen, Marco...

I got somethin'
to say to you.

And I got somethin'
to say to you.

Sit!

I cannot help
but notice

every time I have a lesson,
you leave.

It's rude.

I'm sorry.

No, it is rude of me
to invade your house

and take you away
from your beautiful wife.

My what?

Forgive me.
You open your house to me,

and I stink it up.

Oh, hey, hey,
it doesn't bother me at all.

You are too kind.

Now, what do you want
to say to me?

Uh...

you play poker?

I'm good at poker.

There's a game
at my lodge tonight.

You in?

It would be honor,

but first I buy you dinner
at my restaurant.

Don't have
to ask me twice.

Teatime.

Uh, Marie, I'm takin' Marco
to the lodge for poker.

But Marco hasn't finished
his lesson yet.

Marie, I'm done
with piano.

I tried,
but I cannot make it work.

You're quitting?

You can't quit.
You promised your mother.

I know.
I know, but...

she's dead.

But she can still see you.

I'm sorry, Marie.

You come to have dinner
with us.

No, no.
I don't think so.

Why don't you boys
go to the lodge?

You're gonna love
the lodge, Marco.

They got cards, checkers,
a swimming pool.

It's great.
Everybody swims naked.

Is this a heated pool?

He'll be back.

One look at Frank naked...
he'll be back.

Stop it right now!

Go to sleep!

No, no.

No, it's nothing.
Debra's readin' them a story.

Listen, remember,
we're teeing off at 7:00.

Oh, don't be late.
All right.

Why didn't you
come up and help me?

I was talking
to Gianni.

Didn't you hear
the screaming?

I heard you screamin'.

I'm gonna kill
your father.

Oh, no, Mom.
Don't.

Marco is my friend.
Now I never see him anymore.

He's always with your father.

They're watching sports
or swimming nude at the lodge.

There isn't enough
chlorine in the world.

I mean, for the first time
in I don't know how long,

I had a real companion.

Someone I could talk to.

Do something, Raymond.

Me? What?

Talk to your father.

No, no, stick to the plan
where you kill him.

Tell him to leave
Marco alone.

Ma, I don't want to get
in the middle of this.

I don't want you
in the middle,

I want you on my side.

Look, Mom.
I think you and Dad

can work this out
yourselves... right, Deb?

No, Ray. Tell your father
to give her back her friend.

What happened
to "Stay out of it?"

I feel for your mother.

- You do?
- Yes.

Do you think it's easy for Marie
to meet people and make friends

when she spent
her whole life

stuck in a house with
a lump of a husband

who, instead of puttin'
his own kids to bed,

is on the phone with his pals
makin' a golf date?

Why can't you just hate
one man a time?

Hey, Marie, tick-tock.

Where's my dinner?

Raymond has something
to say to you.

What?

What...

- Stay away from Marco.
- Yeah.

Since when do you
tell me what to do?

I'm not... I'm not talking.
They are.

Marco was my friend.

Oh, yeah?
He traded up.

That's it, Frank.
That's it.

You are not invited
to my birthday party.

Who needs an invitation?
It's at my house!

Not anymore! I'm gonna have it
right here at Raymond's house.

- Thanks a lot!
- What did I do?

Forget it!

I'll just go to the lodge
with Marco.

You can't. I've already
invited him to the party,

and he's gonna play "Happy Birthday"
to me on the piano.

Where's my dinner?

At the lodge.

Next time,
you mind your own business!

What?

You're really with
my mother on this, huh?

That's the horse
you're backin'?

Better my horse
than your jackass.

Hey, my jackass happens to have
a point, okay?

He's right... if Marco's
gonna be with anybody,

it should be him,
not her.

What, your mother's not allowed
to have a friend?

Not a male friend, no.

- She's my mother.
- So?

So, she's a married woman.
It's creepy.

So, does that mean that I can't
have any male friends?

You can have as many
male friends as you want,

As long as they're all gay.

You know, Ray, I may have
some problems with your mother,

but she can be friends
with whoever she wants,

and I'm gonna do whatever
I can to encourage her.

All right, fine!

But from now on in my head,
Marco's gay.

Oh.

Marco.

Happy birthday, Marie.

This is my cousin Gina

and my nephew Gerard.

And this my dear friend
Marco Foganolo.

I found him in Italy.

How do you do?

Isn't he delightful?

He looks so authentic.

I never met an Italian
from Italy before.

Hello...

Where's Frank?

Oh, Frank's not coming.

Why not?

He's sick... swine flu.

Ray, are you gonna
sit there all day?

Just join the party.

No, no.
It's not right.

My mom and her...
boyfriend.

I thought you made him gay.

I'm the only one
who knows that.

Come on,
my dad should be here.

What is it
that you miss the most?

The burping,
the finger in the frosting,

the wiping his mouth
on the curtains?

If you must know, I miss
the shirttail out the fly.

Aaarh! Come on!

Be careful, Robert,
you'll scratch the finish.

Mom.

Ma, why is your piano
comin' into my house?

Marco's gonna play me
"Happy Birthday."

Thanks, everybody.
I got it.

Yeow!
Ooh! Gaw!

Oo-ooh!

Oh!

Is it your back?

No, I'm from Japan.

I bring greetings
from the emperor.

Ray, get him some ice.

Fabulous party.

Aah!

What are you...

Where'd you come from?

The laundry room.

How long you been
hiding in there?

Long enough to see you could
use some new underwear.

Oh, I could use some now.

Get Marco in here.
I want to talk to him.

Ray,
where's the...

What are you doing here?

Burping.

Now maybe I'll wipe my mouth
on the curtain.

Uhh, uhh,

uhh, uhh, uhh, uhh...

Aw, come on. It's not
like it's a grand piano.

What are you doing here?

I'm just stopping by
to see if my friend Marco

wants to play some bocce.

He doesn't,
because he's here for me.

Well,
he'd rather be with me.

He likes me better.

Ha!
Nobody likes you better.

Oh, yeah?
Let's ask him.

Oh, you can't
do that, Frank.

Well, why not?
Bring him in here.

- Mind your own business.
- You scared?

Frank, you are ruining
my birthday party!

You've ruined everything else!

Marco!

Excuse me,
how's that ice coming?

All right, Robert.
Jeez.

Hey, Marco...

whose friend
do you want to be?

Frank, I thought
you had the swine flu.

She told you that?

You will stop at nothing.

Who do you want
to stick with,

me or the liar?

You want me
to choose?

That's right.

She thinks
you like her better

and want to be her friend.

Why shouldn't he be her friend?
They enjoy each other.

Sure, now,

but he's gonna find
it's a quick trip to Nagville.

Am I wrong? It's already started
with the piano lessons.

You said yourself you didn't
want to play piano anymore.

Somebody could have told me.

Why can't I be
both your friends?

Well, for one thing, I find
that people who like me

generally can't stand him.

Ma, I don't get this.

There's got to be
plenty of ladies

you can be friends
with out there.

Hit the bingo circuit.

What about your father?

There's enough naked, wrinkly
old men at the lodge for him.

Please, I'm already
in the vomiting position.

So pick already.

I don't like this.

This is not right.

This is not
a husband and wife.

Before my wife died,
we were friends.

You gonna pick or not?

This is what you really want?

I choose Frank.

Yes.

I'm sorry.

No, I understand.

I did not want to choose.

You don't have
to explain, Marco.

Why don't we all
have some cake?

Hey, Marie,
wait a second.

You take him.

No, that's okay, Frank.

You don't have to do that.
You keep him.

No, I don't want him anymore.

I want you two guys
to go and have fun.

Go to the lodge.

Nah, I got plenty of friends
at the lodge,

so, uh... you take him.

I don't want him
all the time.

Can't you take him
some of the time?

So, now you're
sticking me with him?

This is so typical of you.

Hey... cake!

All right, so you should play
"Happy Birthday" on the piano.

All right, I'm gonna play
a dirty version.

Rejected by both of them.

Boy, I know how that feels.

That's all right, Marco.
Let it out.

Let it all out.

That's it.

So that was a good party.

What? How was that good
for your mother?

You guys made her
lose a friend.

Aw, come on.
Don't start.

Listen, Ray,
I want to tell you something.

If I meet somebody
and I want to be their friend,

I'm not gonna tolerate
any of your caveman crap.

I don't care what sex they are.
A friend is a friend,

And I can be friends
with whoever I want.

Hello, I am looking
for my father.

He is here?

No. No, he isn't,
but come in, friend.