Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 6, Episode 24 - The First Time - full transcript

Flashback to the night Ray and Debra first had sex.

What are you watching?

You.

Oh, hey, Ray,
you know what?

How about
tomorrow, hmm?

How about we start today
and go till tomorrow?

We'll, we'd have to
start at 11 :59, then.

Honey, you know what?
You know what?

Really--
definitely tomorrow, okay?

The kids'll be
on their play date,

we'll be all alone.

Hmm?



Interesting.

During the daytime,
you're saying?

I am.

Well, you sound
very sincere,

So I guess you'll have
no trouble signing this.

"l agree to have

daytime sex
with Ray Barone

"tomorrow, May 23rd...

of this year."

Can I go
to sleep now?

Yes, you may.

But...

in case you have
any ideas

of ripping this up
in the middle of the night...



I win either way.

Hey.

Hey, Frank.
How are ya?

Here.

- What's this?
- I don't know,

some porcelain thing

you gave us for our 30th
anniversary

or some other
terrible occasion.

Why are you
giving it back to me?

Marie says
she doesn't like it

and she never did.

So she sent you
over here with this?

That's right.

I'm Marie's stinking
messenger service

since you two stopped
talking to each other.

Okay, Frank.
All right. Okay.

You know who
she does talk to?

Me. Nonstop.

So do me a favor,

if you're upset,

please,
shoot the messenger.

Hello-oo.

Well...

Just dropped the kids off
at their play date,

and now it's time
for mine.

Not now, Ray.

Oh, I beg to differ.

Ray!

I had a feeling you might
change your mind,

and that's why,
if you remember,

I had you sign
a certain document.

Do you know
what just happened?

I must tell you,
I do not care.

Your signature.

What is wrong with you?!

You can't tell
I'm upset?

After how many years,
you can't tell

I'm not in the mood
right now?!

Al right, now I'm
starting to get it.

I'm sorry, Ray.

I know we had a deal.

It's just that this thing
with your mother--

She just sent over--

You know, I just don't
feel like it right now.

All right.

All right,
I'm sorry.

I didn't know
you just had a thing.

You know I'm not good
at reading your signals.

Yeah.

Was I always this bad?

Yeah.

No, you pick the movie, Deb,

I always like
what you pick.

Oh, well, that one--

I only fell asleep
in that one

because it was so...

warm and cozy
sitting next to you.

Raymond,
your friends are here.

Hey, ready to go?

- I'm on the phone. Give me a second.
- No problem.

All right, Deb,
I better--

Oh, it's Debra?

- Mom.
- Hello, Debra.

Hi. How are you?

Good.
No, I'm fine.

I'm just doing a load
of Raymond's dirty underwear.

Mom, what are you--

Listen, where did you
buy that blouse?

Is your mother
gonna wash these

or send 'em to the lab?

Oh, yes!

Thanks, darling.

Here's your boyfriend.

Hey, sorry about that.

Oh, yeah yeah,
she is great, yeah.

The game.

Okay, listen, I'll see you
tomorrow night, okay?

All right.
Bye.

All right, guys,
come on, I'm coming.

You know we got a poker game
tomorrow night.

Well, you heard me,
I can't go.

Debra wants
to rent a movie.

And, oh--
where do I buy candles?

She wants a candle
for, like, dinner.

Candlelight dinner
and a movie?

Forget the card game.

Our little Raymond's
having sex.

No.

No no, you guys know
we haven't... you know.

She doesn't wanna
rush the physical part,

and, you know, whatever.

Hey, she wants
a candle?

It's either sex
or you smell.

I gotta get to work.

Which one of you bozos
parked behind me?

Hey, Robert, listen,
we're taking odds.

You think Debra's gonna have sex
with Ray tomorrow?

Hmm, I don't know.

Has the president declared
Ray the last man on earth?

That doesn't even
make sense, all right?

If the president
was around to declare it,

then how am l
the last man, stupid?

Well, president
or no president,

there's no way you're ever
having sex with that Debra.

Look, Ray, it's simple.

When you get over there,
look for signs.

See if she shaves her legs,
and you're in.

No, you know
what you do?

Ask her
if she likes Madonna.

I always ask that,
'cause if she does,

that means she's got
a little bit of a wild side.

What would you do
with the wild side?

Hey, I'm trying
to help you here.

You gotta
do something--

Check her eggs, man,
check her eggs!

What?

You check
her refrigerator

to see
if she has enough eggs

to make both of you
breakfast in the morning.

Oh, really?

You know, Mom has
two dozen eggs

in the fridge right now.

Why do you do that?

I'm just saying.

I'm just saying

When Debra's ready,
she'll let me know.

Yeah, why don't you
sit by the mailbox

and wait for that letter?

Yeah, we'll swing by
once a year

to cut your beard.

- Hey!
- Hi!

Hmm, what is that,
cologne?

Uh, no.

That's, uh,

that's pretty much
how I smell.

Come on in.

I just ordered the Chinese food
and it's gonna be a while,

- so do you want to watch the movie now?
- All right.

I got some wine.
Let me put it in the refrigerator.

Listen, I rented
"Out Of Africa."

I hope you don't mind,
it's kind of a girly film.

That's all right.
I'm kind of a girly guy.

Yeah.

Oh.

What?

Uh, no, it's nothing.

I just noticed that, uh,

you're almost out of eggs.

I use that egg substitute.
Have you ever tried it?

It's really great.
I just bought three cartons.

Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'd like
to try that, yeah.

Hey, I got a candle.
Why don't we light it?

Okay.

Yeah. It's called
"Morning Mist,"

But the lady said
you could light it at night.

So here we are.

Oh, smooth.

Thank you.

Who is that,
Meryl Streep?

Uh-huh.

She reminds me
of Madonna.

Really?
I don't see that.

You, uh,
you like Madonna?

Yeah, she's okay.

Oh. Well, there's
the Chinese food.

Dammit.

Are you coming back?

I think so.

Hello.

Ma!

Hi Marie.

What are you
doing here?

Hello, Raymond.

I was baking lasagna,
and I had so much extra

I thought I'd bring it
over to you two.

Oh. All the way
from Long lsland.

That's so nice of you.

Yeah, Ma, we got
Chinese food coming.

Oh, that's not food.

No, Marie, I really
love your lasagna.

I don't cook a lot,

but you're really
starting to inspire me.

I bet you're a natural.

You know,
that's the food, Ma,

so you probably
should skedaddle.

Let's eat!

Dad, what are you
doing here?

I found a broken meter,
we've got all night.

Where's the lasagna?

You know what?
I wasn't really expecting all this company--

She's right.
Get out.

No, Ray. I think I have
a folding table in the back,

so I'll just get it.

Great! I'll put on
the Yankees.

No, listen, you guys,

you both gotta
go home, okay?

Debra and l, we're trying
to watch a movie.

You're not fooling anyone,
young man.

What?

You don't think I know

what's gonna
take place here tonight?

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

I know exactly
what you and Debra are planning.

What--

how do you know--
anything?

Believe me,
I would rather not know.

But when you
talk in your room,

it carries through
the whole house.

Especially when your mother
stands on the dresser

so she can listen
through the vent.

Oh my God! Mom--

you two
have to leave, okay?

Debra and l
would like to be alone.

Oh, hello, Raymond.

Hello, Raymond.

Father Hubley,
come in.

Thanks for the ride,
Robert.

I've been looking forward
to this lasagna all day!

Hi.

Oh, Debra, this is
our family priest,

Father Hubley.

And if it's all right with you, he's gonna
join us for dinner.

Hello.

Why don't we
all sit down

and get to know
one another?

- Come on, sweetie.
- Okay.

Yes, come on, sweetie.
It's gonna be fine.

Oh, Father,
please sit.

Please, Father.

Father Hubley,

did you know that
Debra and Raymond

have been dating
for a few months now?

Maybe this is
a bad time,

I don't think we have
enough lasagna.

Hey, Ray's right.
We may be in trouble here.

Because, with all
due respect, Father,

I saw what you did
to that cheesecake

at the church bake sale.

Father Hubley,

I'd like your opinion
on the Commandments.

Do you have to follow all,

Or can you just
pick and choose?

Ray!

- What's the matter?
- I'll tell you what's the matter.

My mother is trying to prevent
you and me from having--

Chinese food!

Oh, you got
Chinese coming.

We're good, Father.

Oh, Frank, would you stop
thinking about food for a second?

Your son's moral health
is in jeopardy.

What?

Oh, for crying out loud,
Marie.

Why don't you just
fit her for a chastity belt

And bedonewith it?

Oh my God!

Is that why
you're all here?

Because of sex?

I was only told
about the lasagna.

I don't understand.

Well, if I may, Debra.

The worst thing
for a relationship

is to give in
to one's desires.

Now, I know in this case
it may be difficult

because Raymond
is such a cute boy--

Oh my God.

But when I heard him
talking to his friends

about buying candles
and counting your eggs...

I knew it was time
to call Father Hubley.

What?!
Wait a minute!

Is there even
a lasagna here?!

Well, I don't know
what you've heard, Marie,

but no one is
coming near my eggs!

Tough break, Raymond.

Believe me, everybody,

we're not having sex.

Well, then,
I guess we can eat!

Marie,

if I may.

I'd be happy to discuss
all these matters,

but I don't think this is
the time or the place.

Yes, and I must say
that I am appalled

at the turn this
evening has taken.

I think we should
all go.

But we haven't
eaten yet.

When I say "we,"
I'm including the lasagna.

Lovely meeting you,
Debra.

And let me tell you,

as someone who has known
the Barone family a long time,

this actually
went quite well.

- Is there meat in that?
- Oh, yeah.

Good. Let's go.

Enjoy the movie.

And Raymond, that cologne
smells better on you

than it does
on your Father.

Deb, you gotta
believe me,

I didn't tell my friends
anything.

Hold on.
I'll be right back.

Wait, Marie.

Marie.

If you felt
so strongly about this,

why didn't you just
come talk to me?

I mean, I feel like there's
something else going on.

Do you not like me
or something?

Oh, no!

It's not that at all.

Oh, Debra...

I see the way Raymond
acts around you,

and how he looks at you,

and how he talks about you
to everybody.

He has never been this way

with anyone.

So I just thought
that you two should wait

until after you're...

you know.

Oh.

That's why I came over.

Oh. Well...

Yeah, that's okay, Marie.

I just hope that we can
always talk like this.

You know, instead of
bringing over lasagna

and a priest.

Of course!

I love talking to you!

And Debra,
I just want you to know,

it's really not like me
to meddle in my son's life.

Listen, let me explain.

You remember Bernie and Gianni,
how stupid they are?

They came over.
They were grabbing my underwear,

Telling me, "Check her eggs!
Check her eggs!"--

Huh?

Come with me.

- But-- but--
- What?

I thought you said
that we weren't--

What can I say?

Your mother was right--

you're a very cute boy.

So you ended up
sleeping with me that night

because of what
my mother said?

I guess so.

Back to therapy.

Ended up being a pretty good night,
though, didn't it?

Great night.

You know what
it puts me in the mood for?

Chinese food?

Come on, let's go.

You know-- wait.

What, wait? What?

I just--

I want to do
something first.

You go ahead upstairs.

Well, hurry, though,
you know,

you gotta be here
for some of it.

Frank, use your napkin
and sit up!

Hi Frank.
Hi Robert.

- Hi.
- Hi Marie.

Are they talking?

Please, God.

Marie,

do you remember
that night

that you came over
to my apartment

and tried to stop
Ray and me from--

you remember that night?

You remember
in the hallway,

how we talked
things out?

How that felt?

And lookat us now.

I mean,
what are we doing?

This whole thing
has been so silly.

Why would you say
"tried" to stop you?

What?

You said, we "tried"
to stop you and Raymond.

Why would you
say "tried"?

Well--

I mean--

Wait a minute.

Did you have relations
with Raymond that night?

Marie, that is
not the point.

You lied to me

in front of a priest.

Oh, boy.

Marie, what you told me
in that hallway

made me realize
how Ray really felt.

So now you're
blaming me

for your
premarital sex?!

Listen, I came over here
to-to-to try--

Marie, are you kidding?

Here's a little sauce left,
would you like some?

No sauce-- talk!

For God's sake,
talk to her!

Would you like some,
Robert?

I'll have
a little bit.

You take that sauce
and I'll kill you.

No one's having your sauce
until you talk to her!

Well, Marie,

I don't know what I was thinking
coming over here,

because this past month
of you not talking to me

has been the best month
of my life!

Robert,
shoot my ears off.

Oh, Mrs. Barone!

The doctor
will see you now!

I will never talk
to that woman again!

I'm going for a drive!

No! We have
a contract!

I'll see you in court!