Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 6, Episode 20 - A Vote for Debra - full transcript

Debra decides to run for school president. Ray panics, because this means he has to take more responsibilities around the house. He decides not to vote for her.

[children laughing]

- Okay.
All right.

Fine, guys.
You win.

Stay up forever!

I'll tell you what.

I'm not gonna sing you
any more lullabies.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Oh, yeah.
Funny.

How about I call santa,

Tell him how funny
you guys are?

Santa calls the easter bunny.



He calls the tooth fairy.

I don't got to buy squat.

- Hi.

- Oh, my god.

How long was this meeting?

- Oh, well, it ended at 8:00,

But I stayed after
to talk.

- You know, here's the thing
about the twins.

I know
that I'm supposed to love them,

But why do they make it
so freakin' hard?

- Listen, listen, ray.
It was such a great meeting.

Remember all those ideas
I had

About fundraising
and the readathon?

Well, this is amazing.



I was talking,
and all these people

Were really interested
in what I had to say.

- The problem is,
the twins--

They know I have to love them.

They use that love against me.

Well, you know what,
I can't anymore.

- Ray, listen, all these people
want me to run for president.

- What people?

- The people at the school.

They want me to run
for president

Of the school governing board.

Isn't that fantastic?

- What?

- There is an election
next week,

And so far, bill parker
is running unopposed.

- Parker.
I hate that parker.

- Would you listen?

- He stole our babysitter.

- I'm gonna do it, ray.

- Do what?

- Run for president.

- President of the school?
- Yeah.

- But that's, like,
a lot of meetings at night.

- This is the perfect thing
for me.

Look, I've been waiting
for something like this,

Something to get involved in,

Something where I can
make a difference

And use my brain
and help people.

Listen, I could make
a really good president.

- Yeah, but you're already
president of this house.

We need you.

Ask not what your house
can do for you.

- Tomorrow night,
I want you to come with me.

There's a potluck dinner
where all the parents

Get to meet the people
running for office.

- No, no, I'm not crazy
about people.

- Are you crazy about me?

- Oh, boy.
Here we are.

You know, I've never been

To a political convention
before.

Where are the hookers?

- Ray.

Listen, do me a favor tonight.

Try not to let everything
that's in here come out here.

Could you do that for me?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, let's pretend

I'm your secret service
agent man,

And I'll follow you around
like this.

She's on the move.

- I have a better idea.

Why don't you pretend
you're here undercover

As an adult?

- All right.
That's it.

I'm changing
my code name for you.

It used to be "hot mama."

You want to know what it is now?
- No.

- "groucho."

- Hello, debra.

- Hi, bill.

- Barone.

- Parker.

Mary.

- Carrie.
- Carrie.

- What did you bring,
debra?

- Oh, just some veggies
and onion dip.

How about you?

- Beef tenderloin.

- Oh!
Wow, huh?

- Yeah, pretty fancy.

- Yeah.

Thanks to my lovely wife.
- Yeah.

I'll be getting in
on some of that.

The beef, I mean.

- Well...

Good luck, and, uh,

You know,
may the best man or woman win.

- No dirty tricks.

[laughter]

- [laughs manically]

- Hey, buddy.
How ya doing?

- I don't have a chance.

- What, against parker?
- Yeah.

- Ah, I don't know.

That guy--
he's all with the blond hair

And the teeth.

You know, we get it,
all right?

We got it.

- Look at you.

Did you even shave today?

- What?
Yeah, this morning.

- You're all stubbly.

Come over here.
- What?

- Look at your shirt.
Tuck this in.

- What? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
What?

- God.
- Come on.

Why?

- Your appearance
reflects on me.

Look how carrie parker
is dressed.

- Sorry, I didn't know
I was gonna be first lady.

- Here, just take this
over to the buffet table, okay?

- Where you going?

- I'm gonna work the room
by myself.

Hi, maureen.

Stand up straight.

- Groucho.

Hey, how you doing?

Rock the vote.

Hey, anybody see
the tenderloin?

- It's all gone.

- What?

Already?

Oh, these people
are animals.

Look at this.
Crackers.

- Yeah.

- What's this?
- Tabbouleh.

- I got to tell you,
if I saw this on the floor,

I'd rub my dog's nose in it.

- I made the tabbouleh.

- Hi.
I'm bill parker.

I hate this.

- Hey, I'm with you.

These potlucks--
they're always lame.

That's why when I see
the one good thing,

I stock up.

- What's that,
the tenderloin?

- You know it.
- Mm-hmm.

- You want a bite?

- No. Yeah.
That's nice of you, though.

Thank you.

So who you think's
gonna be president?

- Oh, it's a toss-up.

Bill parker
sounds pretty good,

But I'll probably vote
for that debra barone.

- Oh, yeah?
Why is that?

- She's got
a nice little caboose.

- All right,
attention, everybody.

Would you all
gather over here, please?

We'd like to get started.

- Tenderloin.
Excellent.

- Uh, excuse me.

Excuse me.
Can we have everybody, please?

Everyone?

- Daddy!
- Go to sleep!

- I want water!

- No! No!

First it's water,
then, "read me a story,"

Then I fall asleep
up there,

And you're down here
watching wrestling!

No!
No water!

- Yes! Yes!
- All right!

- What--what happened?

- They pulled it out!
The knicks won!

The knicks won!

- Incredible game!

Knicks were down 14
with 3 minutes left.

- And then sprewell makes
a game-winning shot

From 30 feet out
at the buzzer.

It was the best game
of the year.

- Oh, man!

- And you missed it.

- Come on!

- Tough break, cubby.

[laughs]

- Hello, raymond.

- Ma, what are you doing?

- I'm taking water
to the children.

- I said no more water!

- All right, raymond.

But I would never
deny my children water.

- Well, robert,
I guess that explains

Your bed-wetting problem.

- You know, raymond,
to tell the truth,

Debra should have
put them to bed before she left.

- Yeah, well, tell her that.

No, no, no,
don't tell her that.

- When is she getting home?

- When they count
all the votes.

- I don't know
why you're letting her

Waste her time
with this crap.

- No, no, no.
Debra's right.

She said it's important

For parents to get involved
in their kids' education.

Blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.

- We never got involved
in your education.

- That's right.

Pa didn't go in for all that
fancy book-learnin'.

- What?
What did I pay taxes for?

You think I had time

To tell you
what two plus two is?

- Well, maybe
if you took more interest,

Who knows how far
I could have gone?

- Four!

Two plus two is four!

Go get 'em, tiger!

- Well, I think it's great,
what debra's doing.

- You think everything she does
is great.

- Not everything.

I think she's a bad marrier.

- Hi.
- Here she is!

[hums "hail to the chief"]

- I lost.

- [slows humming]

- No, that's the way it goes.

- My cell phone
was in my pocket.

- Lost?
- Yup.

Bill parker is the new

Our lady of faith
elementary school

Governing board president.

- Oh, wow, deb, I'm sorry.
That stinks.

- Stinks?
It's an outrage.

You were born to be

The our lady of faith
elementary school

Governing board president.

- I don't know.

Maybe I just had
too many ideas.

Maybe I talked too much.
Did I come off pushy?

- No.

Come on, deb.

Parker bought
that whole election, huh?

Putting out the tenderloin

And the horseradish
and the rolls.

How could you compete
with that?

- Hmm.

That's tough to beat.

- Food's important, dear.

If you had only come to me.

- Come on.

That had nothing
to do with it.

- Don't kid yourself,
sweetheart.

This is politics.

You got to play rough.

He puts out tenderloin;
you put out prime rib.

He puts out prime rib;
you go lobster.

He goes lobster;

You start the rumor
he wears a bra.

- Yeah, I like
that bra thing.

I'll say I saw him
in the lingerie department

Going into the fitting room.

- Why don't you
demand a recount?

Maybe there was
some funny business

Going on with the ballots.

- No.
- That goes on.

- Mrs. Wendell, the librarian--
she was keeping

A pretty close watch
on the shoeboxes.

- Oh, mrs. Wendell.

I remember her.

"the books are late!
The books are late!"

- You know, I think
what's really bugging me is,

I thought I had the support.

I thought people liked me.

- People can fool you.

- Come on, I mean,
just because you lost

Doesn't mean
people don't like you, right?

I'm sure you got
a lot of votes.

- Yeah, well,
it was very close.

- Sure.

By the way,
how close was it?

- Six votes.
- See?

So it's not like you lost
by one vote.

- What do you mean?

- What?
No, nothing.

- Wait, you think it's good
that I lost

By more than one vote?

- No.

I mean, well, kind of.

Only because
if you lost by one vote,

Then that would be
heartbreaking.

- Yes, it would be
heartbreaking.

Ray, who did you vote for?

Ray?
- What?

What?

- Who did you vote for?

- [sighs]

- Oh, boy.

- We should go.

- I'm right behind you.

- What? What?
Where you going?

- It's none of our business.
- What? Since when?

You think everything's
your business.

- Usually I'd stay
and defend you,

But voting
against your wife?

- You're a dead man.

- I don't know what to say,
but, deb, if you want to talk...

And you...

- You know, you're not supposed
to ask people

Who they vote for.

That's why
we folded our votes

And put it in the shoebox
with the tape around it

And they locked it up

In the school
cafe-gym-a-torium...

As our forefathers did.

- How could you
do that to me?

- Well, I just looked

At what both candidates
brought to the table,

And I just thought
that bill parker--

- Bill parker?
You hate bill parker!

- I hate bill parker
the man,

But I just thought
that bill parker the candidate

Had an interesting platform.

- Oh, shut up.
I'm your wife.

I don't care if my platform
was...Anti-puppy.

You have to vote for me.

- But doesn't it say
in the constitution--

- I don't care what it says

In the constitution.

You vote for your wife!

And since when do you know
what it says

In the constitution?

- I'm not gonna stand here
and let you badmouth america.

- You voted against me.

- I didn't vote
against you.

I love you.

I just voted
not for you.

I was protecting you.

- Protecting me from what?

- From political backstabbing.

You don't realize

That when you're
a political figure,

You're at the mercy
of the people,

And the people--
they're horrible.

They stare
at your caboose.

- You were against this
all along.

You can't support me
for one minute!

- Oh, come on.
I support you.

When you had
15 meetings this week,

Who took care
of the kids, huh?

Putting them to bed and running
gallons of water upstairs

Like gunga din?

- First of all,
it was two meetings,

And you complained
the whole time.

We all know why
you didn't vote for me, ray.

Because you were afraid
that if I win,

I might get out of this house

And you might
have to get off your butt

Once in a while
and do something.

You want me
locked in this house.

Your vote was a vote
for slavery!

- I have always spoken out
against slavery.

- Not in this house.
Not in this marriage.

You don't even know
what a marriage is.

A marriage is two people
supporting each other

No matter what,

Being there for each other
for better or for worse,

Standing next to each other,

Standing up for each other
no matter what.

But you don't get that,
and that's why at that potluck,

I had to tell people
I didn't even know you.

- What?

You told people
you don't know me?

- Of course.
You were acting like a goofball.

- I don't care
what I was doing.

You denied knowing me
at the potluck?

- You were stuffing your pants
with food.

- I'm your husband.

You're supposed to support me
no matter what's in my pants.

Huh, didn't you just say,
"partners for better or worse,

Standing up on each other"--

- Oh, don't even.

It's not the same thing,
and you know it.

You embarrassed me.

- I didn't do anything different

At that potluck thing

That I don't do

At any other public place
you drag me to.

I have always liked beef!

And I have always tried
to get as much of it as I could

At any function!

But even before that happened,

You made it very clear
that I embarrass you--

Getting up on me
about shaving

And telling me
to stand up straight

And tuck in my shirt,

Like--like I wasn't
good enough for you.

And now I find out
you actually told people

That you don't know me?

I would never
do that to you.

- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry, too.

I-I should have voted
for you.

- And I should have
told people I know you.

- I was acting jerky.

- Yeah, I know I--

I guess I just got
carried away, you know,

With the possibility of being

The our lady of faith
elementary school

Governing board president.

- Well, listen.

All that power--
it's like a drug.

- You want something
to eat?

- Yeah, yeah.
What do you got?

- I got some veggies
and dip left.

- Oh.

You know what would go good
with that?

Tabbouleh.

Got any cookies?

- Cookies.
I got cookies.

[phone rings]

- Hello.

Yeah, she's right here.

It's the president.

- Hi, bill.

- What, did he call to gloat?

You tell him we're onto him.

- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well,
no, congratulations.

Really?
Oh!

Well, that's so nice
of you to say.

Yes, I would love
to help you.

- What?
- Yeah.

Yeah, you know what?
My nights are mostly free.

- What?
No, they're not!

- You know what?

The one thing
I really wanted to do

Was get those
teachers' luncheons organized.

- Hang up the phone.
He's trying to tear us apart.

- And you know what?

- Mommy, I had an accident.

- Accident.
Accident.

Mommy's on the phone.

You want to wait
for mommy?

Mommy, he--

All right.
I'll do it.

- But I want mommy.

- Don't blame me.
I voted for parker.

- So I just want to say
that I'm looking forward

To a successful year
of working together,

But I can only do it
with your help.

I only hope that I'm worthy

Of the faith
that you've shown in me,

Because at our lady of faith,

It is all about faith--

Faith in our children,

Faith in our faculty,
faith in each other.

- [whispers] faith that you
wear a bra, buddy.

- [laughing]
yeah.

- [mumbling]