Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 6, Episode 2 - No Roll! - full transcript

Oh, God, I'm exhausted.

Ohh!

I could fall asleep
right here.

All right, okay.
I get it.

Get what?

You don't got to do
the whole "I'm tired" show.

Don't worry.

I will not be...
bothering you this evening.

Wait a minute.
You think this is an act

so I won't have
to have sex with you?

Not much of an act.



You could jazz it up
with a song or two.

And-and by the way,

I wasn't gonna do anything
later anyway, okay, so...

you don't got to insult me
with your preemptive strike.

You're nuts.

Admit it.

You came in here
to tell me you were tired

so I would
leave you alone later.

I did not!

Why can't you admit it?

Look, you're tired, right?
You had a long day.

So, what's the last thing
you would want to do later?

Well, you might
be right about that.

Huh, see?
I know.



I know when people don't want
to have sex with me.

You're talkin' to an expert.

Okay, so let me
ask you this...

how come you're
only picking up

that "I'm tired" means
"no sex tonight"?

How come "I'm tired"
doesn't also mean,

"Gee, I could really
use some help in the kitchen

with all those dishes"?

What am l,
a mind reader?

Another season
of "Everybody Loves Raymond."

- Hey.
- Hi.

- How's your book?
- It's really great.

Yeah?

Yeah, it takes place
in the 19th century--

That's very interesting.

Ray!
What are you doing?

What?
You're up.

So what?

So, l-I come in here,

you're up, you're in a good mood,
you're not too tired.

Who says I'm not too tired?

All I'm doing is reading.

So you could
stay up to read,

but you can't spare
two minutes for sex?

Look, I'm sorry,
Ray, okay?

It's not like
I'm trying to trick you.

I am tired,

and I thought I would
do a little reading

before I fell asleep.

All right.

There are other things
we could do a little

before we both fall asleep.

I mean, we're not
talkin' about

runnin' a marathon here.

We were just going
to roll around a little, you know?

I find it very relaxing
and restful,

but what the hell
do I know?

- You go ahead, go ahead--
- Ray, come on.

If a book about the 19th century
doesn't put you to sleep,

how tired can you be?

So what you're saying is that
you would rather read?

Tonight... yes.

Do me a favor, if there's
people having sex in that book,

could you read out loud?

Here, one of you try this.

Oh, God!

This is awful!

I thought so.
It's Debra's.

It's gone bad.

Although, with Debra,
it probably didn't have far to go.

Wait a minute.
Let me see that.

You're right.
This is not good.

The underpart's
a little better.

What is it?

I don't know.

It's got a crunch, but I don't
think that's on purpose.

Oh, hello, Raymond.

Ma--
what are you doing?

I'm cleaning your fridge.

I thought it was just one item,
but once I opened it...

oh, dear,
it's not good news.

Ma, you-you probably
shouldn't be doing this.

Oh, all right,
do it to that.

Just hurry up
before she gets back.

What else you got?

You finished that?

Yep.

And nowwewait.

What did you buy,
Raymond?

Oh, uh...
No, it's nothing.

Oh, something sensitive.

What is it?

No, it's just shirts.

You bought shirts?

By yourself?

Yes.

Let's see these... shirts.

I would not be comfortable
with that, all right?

Why the hell not?

Because, they're...

undershirts.

Are you trying
to hide something?

Mind your business, Ma.

"Sensuopoly"?

"The board game
of love and intimacy."

It's a gag gift that I got
for a friend of mine

who... Ioves gags.

Oh, really?

And who is this...
Iover of gags?

Would his name start
with an "R"

and end with
an "aymond," hmm?

Give me the game.

I've heard of these games.
They're for adults only.

Oh my God.

Gonna spice things up,
eh, Racy?

Dad, no. It's just--

Oh, Raymond.
Another sex game?

What are you talking about?

Well, it's like the other one
you had when you were younger,

with all the colored dots.

Twister?

Don't think I didn't know
what was going on downstairs.

What?
I played with Robert.

I don't want to hear any more.

This game must be
Debra's doing.

Well, it's not.

I should have guessed
when I opened the fridge

with two bottles
of white wine?

Are you swingers?

All right, Ma.

You just asked
if I was a wife-swapper.

Now, there's an idea.

I don't even have to swap.
I'll just make a donation.

I sure hope you're
better at this

than you were at Twister.

As I remember, you had
no flexibility at all.

Poor Debra.

No, you should close
your curtains, too.

You never know who's
looking into the windows.

I got a pretty good idea.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What's up?
- Mom!

Whatever you do in your bedroom
is your business.

Sensuopoly?

It's not from me.
It's from him.

Ray,
what is going on?

I'll tell you
"what's going on."

For once I'd like to bring
a game into this house

without being accused
of having sex with my brother.

Listen, sweetheart...

everybody's making
a big fuss over nothing.

Now, I looked
at the back of the box,

and from what
I could see--

To be continued.

Okay, kids are down.

Yeah. Listen...

sorry about the embarrassment
today with the game and all.

I went to the store to try
to buy you a funny card--

you know,
'cause of last night.

But they're not funny,
they're just stupid.

There's one funny one--
the old guy with no teeth...

Iike this...

But, yeah,
I couldn't remember

if I got you that for Valentine's Day
or not, so...

you know, so I guess I got you
that game just to say...

you know, "ha ha."

It's okay, Ray.
Come on, let's go play.

What?

What?!

You really want to play this?

Even though my mother
knows we have it?

We already got the guilt.
We might as well have the fun.

Well, all ri-iight!

Okay, here's the directions.
I've already read them.

Hey,
I don't need directions.

I mean, it's been a while,
but I remember.

So, it's pretty simple.
You just roll the dice,

and you do whatever it says
on the square you land on.

Now, some of the squares
are naughty...

Hang on.

Go 'head.

...and some are romantic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, I'll go first.
This is me, that's you.

All right, come on, buddy,
put your game face on.

- Ooh, ooh...
- All right, all right, all right!

Okay, ready?

Ooh,
lucky number seven.

Okay.
One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven.

"Kiss your lover as though
they're about to climb Mount Everest."

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Ray, Ray!
Stop it!

Ray!

- It's your turn.
- I love this game.

Ray, come on! Ray!
You've got to roll!

Hey, I'm climbing Everest.
I could be dead tomorrow.

Listen, Ray!

I'm going away!

Would you roll the dice?

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

Okay.

Three.
One, two, three.

"Tell your lover something about you
they do not know."

I'm back from Everest!

Ray, come on.
Stop it!

Would you stop?!

You're supposed to share
something with me.

- I'm trying to!
- Come on.

Where are the fun squares?

The blue squares
are naughty,

the pink squares
are romantic.

- Pink.
- All right, come on.

Tell me something
I don't know about you.

All right.
Something you don't know.

Well,
this afternoon

when I was trying
to get you something...

Yeah?

I stopped
and got a chili dog.

- Give me the dice.
- Wait, come on.

There's nothing
but pink squares.

Hold on, where's blue?
Right, here's blue.

The first blue one--
"Without using your hand,

remove a piece
of your lover's clothing."

Oh, yeah.

Hold on, what do I need?
I need a one, two, three, four, five.

Okay, five's what
I'm talking about. Come on, five, baby.

If we get a three,

we get to write
each other a poem.

Oh, God! Please, no.
Please, five! Come on, five!

Fever in the cathouse,
the doctor ain't home.

Ha! Nine.

All right,
I'll move it for you.

One, two, three,
four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine--
a blue one!

No, no, you counted
that square twice.

No, I didn't.

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine.

I don't think you're getting
into the spirit of the game.

Let me read the square.

"Without talking,

stare into your lover's eyes
for three minutes."

What, are you kidding me?

Three minutes.

Do you know how long
three minutes is?

It's long.
Ask an egg.

Do it.

All right,
let me set my thing.

Okay.

Ready, go.

Put it down!

I don't think we're getting
what's intended here,

'cause you're startin'
to look like the devil.

- All right, forget it.
- No, no, no!

It's just that my eyes
are blurry, that's all!

I didn't say it's not romantic.
The devil's hot.

Why can't you look
into my eyes?

- Because they're too beautiful.
- Oh!

Look, the game's obviously
rigged, all right?

There's twice as many pink romantic
squares as naughty blue ones.

Why did you buy
the game, Ray, huh?

That's what I really
don't understand.

Why did you buy it
if you didn't want to play?

I thought it would be fun.
It's got something for both of us--

Sex for me,
reading for you.

You really have no idea
what this game is for, do you?

Yes, I have an idea.

The game is to get you in the mood.
Remember the mood?

No, this game
is not about my mood.

This game is supposed
to improve our sex life.

Yeah, well,
then I got the wrong game.

I should've got the game
that gets you to have a sex life.

Oh, yes, you're
the poor sex-starved husband.

Yeah, and you're
the poor put-upon wife

who doesn't
get any romance.

I'm not talking
about romance.

I wanted to play this game
for other things, too.

I know, I know.
I don't hold your hand enough,

watch you sleep,
listen to your heartbeat,

muh, muh, muh...

And let me
tell you something.

What you call romance--
it's always changing.

Sometimes you want flowers,
and other times-- other times--

how about the time
you got excited

'cause I brought home
a bucket of chicken?

Why?
What is romance?

Tell me what it is.
I'll do it every time.

Listen, Ray, I'm not talking
about you and the romance.

I'm talking about you
and... the blue squares.

The blue squares?
The blue ones are the sex ones!

What are you saying?
What?

Oh...

The blue squares.

Is it all right
if we talk about it?

Go ahead.

All right.
Well...

first of all,
I love you.

Oohhh...

But when we are...

- making love...
- Oohhh...

- Ray, just look at me.
- No.

I'm your wife.

You should be able
to talk to me about this.

Your wife
is the last person

you want to hear
these things from.

Who would you rather
hear it from?

Somebody who doesn't
have any proof.

Look, this isn't easy for me
to talk about, either.

How bad is this?

No, it's not bad,
and it's not just you.

Who else?

Me!

Ray, it's about us.

Listen.
Just listen.

I need...

more...

variety.

Variety?

You need variety?

I got that.

I was worried you were going
to mention my--

well, why bring it up?

But variety? I am variety.
I'm Ed Sullivan.

Variety--
wasn't I the guy

who came into the bedroom
with the cowboy hat on?

How about the time
I was the fireman

and you were
the burning sorority house?

Well, I mean,
by variety, I mean...

Iook, the cowboy
and the fireman are fun,

but once they take
their hats off,

they're pretty much the same.

What do you mean?

I need them to be...

Iess... selfish.

Now, hold on.

Hold on.
I am not selfish!

I am not selfish!

If there's anything
you want-- anything--

I do it!

You want me
to be more flexible--

I'm flexing!

You want me to talk
in an accent?

"You go' it, guv'ner."

Come on, just tell me what you want.
What do you want?

- I want...
- What?

See, this is
what I'm talking about.

Why should I have
to tell you what I want?

So I will know.

Do you know
how depressing that is,

that after 12 years,
you don't know?

Why do I have
to say it out loud?

Why haven't you
been paying attention?

What do you mean,
paying attention?

You only seem to pick up
the signals that affect you.

Like, you know what
"I'm tired" means,

because it means
no fun for Raymond.

But if I give you
the "go" signal,

then you just stop
paying attention.

I could shoot off
a flare in here,

and you wouldn't
even notice.

Sorry.

I didn't know that.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

After 1 2 years,
I should know you, right?

That's all I'm saying.

After 12 years,
shouldn't you know me?

I mean,
you could have realized

that I wasn't getting
your signals after...

year three.

I mean, you had to know
you were married to a guy

who occasionally might
miss a thing or two,

and maybe
you might have to...

speak up.

- I don't want to speak up.
- Why not?

It's embarrassing.

Not as embarrassing
as finding out

you've been doing it wrong
for 12 years.

Yeah... I--

You're right.
I'm sorry.

Okay, I'll try
to speak up more.

Okay, good.

That's good.

So you wanna start
speakin' up?

Okay, but you'll try to be
a little more aware, right?

Yeah, yeah!

I don't mean
just in the bedroom.

No, no, no, no!

If you see the laundry lying around
or the bills are piling up

- or the garbage--
- Maybe we should start with the sex

and see how far we get.

Ray, you know what
I'm talkin' about, right?

I do.
I hear you.

You're right.

Okay.
Thank you, honey.

So, are you going
to tell me what you want?

I'll give it a try.

What would you like?

I'd like you to help me
with the laundry.

Ooh.

- Oh, yeah.
- Wow.

Yup, yup.

I'm going to write
those Sensuopoly people

and tell them
we made up a new square.

Yeah.

While you're at it,

tell 'em that square six
doesn't work...

unless you bring in
a third person.