Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 6, Episode 18 - The Breakup Tape - full transcript

Hey, Ray,

I was cleaning out
the basement and--

by the way, did you know
your family's downstairs?

Why do you think
I'm upstairs?

Why do you think I'm
cleaning out the basement?

Anyway,
I was down there,

and I came across a box
of your old trophies.

What, my foosball
trophies?

No, your Nobel prizes.

And look at this--
I found this in there.

What?



This tape. It says
"Karen 1982" on it.

I don't know
what that is.

Sounds like something
from your college days.

Who's "Karen 1982"?

I don't know, some girl,
some nobody from the early 80s--

Nobody you have
to worry about.

Here, let's play it.

No, no, no!
You don't play it!

Relax! I've heard it already.

What?! You already
listened to it?

That seems like an
invasion of-- everything!

I know.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Here we go.

Hi, this is Ray.
If I'm not here,



I'm probably hanging at
the quad with my girl, Karen.

You know it!

Ray, it's Karen.

Listen, there's something
I need to say.

I wanted to tell you
at the Kappa Delta Hoedown,

but you were having so much fun
playing foosball, so...

well, I'll just say it.

I was thinking that

maybe we should
start seeing other people

and, you know...
not each other.

I'm sorry to kinda break up
and everything on the phone,

but I didn't wanna...

anyway.
Okay, I gotta go.

And you should change
your outgoing message, okay?

Bye.

I was wondering
why she hadn't called.

Why would you keep
a tape of a girl

- breaking up with you?
- I didn't keep it.

It's okay. You can keep
whatever you want.

- I'm just curious.
- I didn't keep it!

Come on, Ray,
you kept it.

You took it out of
the answering machine,

you labeled it,
and you placed it in a box

along with a bunch
of lame foosball trophies.

Lame?

I was playing at a level
that you will never understand.

And I noticed you took the
time to pop out the tabs,

which you neglected to do
with our wedding video.

All right.
So you're jealous.

I'm not jealous!

I just think
it's a little weird

that you would keep
a breakup tape for 20 years.

I don't see
how that's weird.

A breakup tape?

- That's like keeping a hangnail.
- No, it's not, okay?

There's plenty of people
that would keep this.

- Who?
- Anybody!

- Nobody.
- Not nobody, because l-body!

"l-body"?

The hardest thing
to believe about this tape

is that you
went to college.

Yeah, all right.
Just gimme my tape.

When you tell me
why you keep it.

I don't have to
tell you anything!

What you did
is unconscionable.

That's right,
there's your college.

Why are we yelling?

Geez, Ma, nobody's yelling.

Then why am I up here?

I don't know.

Hey, what's
with the yelling?

Yeah, what's
with the yelling?

Could everybody
please go?

Why are you
in your underwear?

Because this is my bedroom!

I'm glad you're all here.
Let me ask you something.

Do you think it's weird that
someone would keep a tape

of someone breaking up
with them for 20 years?

"Karen 1982"?

How the hell
do you know about that?

I came across it one day

when I was drawing genitals
on your foosball trophies.

You really are
a mental case, you know that?

So this Karen broad

dumped you over
the phone on a tape?

You never told me
anything about a Karen.

How long did you two date?

I don't know--
like five months.

You went together
five months,

and this is how
I find out about it?

Come on, Ma!
It was 20 years ago!

What were you
doing with her?

Nothing that
kept her happy.

I gotta tell ya,

breakin' up
on the answering machine

is the way to go.

If those things
were around in my day,

I wouldn't have
had to move so much.

But nobody thinks it's odd

that someone would
keep a tape like this?

I tell you what it is,
it's dumb.

You should get rid of
all evidence of the past.

I kept everything from
my past relationships.

She had to-- it's tough
to throw out a cave painting.

I keep things,
too, but they're--

they're happy things.

You know--
a letter, pictures.

Someone wrote me
a poem once.

Poem?
From who?

What poem?
Who writes you poems?

A guy I knew
in the 10th grade.

But it's a happy poem,
makes me smile when I read it.

You still read it?

I have, once or twice.

You never told me
about a poem.

Burn everything,
I tell ya!

Such secrets
from your husband.

I'm not keeping secrets!

Ray, I didn't tell you

because every time
I mention an old boyfriend,

you say, "l don't
want to hear it."

He doesn't want
to know about it.

Look, this is not unusual.
Everybody keeps nice stuff--

what they don't keep
are breakup tapes.

Forget it,
just forget it!

You know where it's nice?
In the basement.

Can I hear
that Karen tape?

No, it's none
of your business.

I have a copy.

Okay. Debra,
I was thinkin'--

I now understand
that it is kinda weird

to keep that tape.

Can we just drop
the whole thing?

No! I wish that I had
told you about it.

I should've been more open.
We should be more open.

I think from now on,
we should both be open.

Let's consider this
"opening night."

- Ray--
- In this shoebox,

I have everything
from my past relationships.

Yeah?

Yeah. And I'm gonna
show it to you.

Just to show you that,
you know, I can show.

Great, if you want.

I do! I do!
I really do.

You first.

What?

Well, you got a poem,

you said there's
some other stuff...

- I wanna see what you got.
- Why?

Arewegonna beopen, ornot?

Yeah.

I mean, of course
I wanna be open.

But I don't think you're
doing this for the right reason.

Is wanting to be
closer to you

not the right reason?

You are so full of it!

But I do want to be more open,
and I would like to be closer.

What am I saying here?

Okay, you sure?

Yes! Let's do this.
Show me your stuff.

Good! This is good.

I'm glad we're doin' this.

This is gonna be good
for our marriage.

Wow!

What do you got
in there--

a poem, or the guy
who wrote it?

What can I say?

I've inspired
some writing.

Okay. Go ahead.

No, no, no.
You heard my tape.

It's your turn.
Let's start with the poem.

All right.

That was fast.

What, you got it
alphabetized?

You want to hear
the poem or not?

Yeah.

This is from Chad.

Chad.

"Debra's eyes."

"Brown as earth,

Giveth life
to tree and brush.

Speckled green, like
the breast of a thrush.

Yellow ringed
as the sun on a web.

So many colors
in thine eye,

My Deb."

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Whoo-hoo!
Ohhh, man!

- That's the poem?
- Don't make fun of it!

I don't have to.
Read it again.

It happens to be
very romantic!

Yeah, yeah.
Read it again.

No! You don't
appreciate it.

For your information,
he wrote this in the 10th grade,

and he ended up
going to Yale.

Not on a poetry
scholarship.

Well, I don't see you
writing me any poems!

I can't now.
Chad killed poetry.

So that's all you got?

Some rhymes about
your many-colored eyeball?

- No. There are letters and gifts.
- Gifts? What gift?

You didn't tell me
about any gifts.

What? Show me a gift.

- They're not in the box.
- Where are they?

- Around.
- Around where?

I don't know.

I got that bird feeder
out in back.

That was from a boyfriend?

That's a great gift.

Guarantees the birds
are nice and full

when they fly
over my car.

Boy, that Chad's
a real winner.

It wasn't from Chad.
That was from Gary.

Gary? Oh, another guy.

What's Gary's deal?
Huh?

He a good kisser?

Okay, listen, I'm sorry
I brought this out.

Come on,
is he a good kisser?

I don't remember.

Come on.
I just wanna know

when I'm hosing off
my windshield

that the kissing
was good.

Ray, I really
don't remember.

None of these guys
mean anything to me now.

- What other gifts do you have?
- I don't know.

Um, the pepper grinder.

The pepper grinder?

Our pepper grinder?

The grinder I pepper
my food with?

Come-- what else?

Ally's doll with
the blue dress.

Susanna?

Some boyfriend gave
Ally the Susanna doll?

No, he gave it to me.

Why did you let her
play with it?

She saw it and she wanted it.
She didn't know where it was from.

So she just saw
some boyfriend doll?

What, did you have it out
when you were reading poetry

and feeding the birds?

With...pepper?

You know...

Maybe I don't wanna
be closer to you.

It's too late now.
We're close, my friend. What else?

- Ray, come on.
- No, no. Come on.

I want to know about
all your other...

Iover gifts.

Go ahead.

What, are you gonna
write these down?

Yeah, for insurance purposes.
Let's go, keep going.

Okay, all right.

The leaky cooler in the garage.

"Sucky cooler."

"Leaky cooler."

Yeah, I got my own system.
What else?

The lamp with the horses.

"Horse's ass lamp."

Keep goin'.

There are some other things,

but I don't wanna
play this anymore.

What other things?

God, these things
must be everywhere, right?

What about in here?
Huh?

Anything in our bedroom?

From your past?

No.

There is.
There is, isn't there?

What?
What is it?

Am Iwearing anyofit?

The white picture frame.

That's around a picture
of our children!

Wait a minute.

They're our kids, Ray!

Really?

You sure that they
weren't a "gift?"

- Honey, calm down!
- No!

Oh, Ray, come on.
Come here.

No, no, no--

you can't lure me
with your sex!

That's how
you do it, right?

I come over there,
and the next thing you know,

I'm in a cage
with Chad and Gary,

goin', "l hope
Debra comes back!"

Well, no, thank you!

Hey, where you been?

What's all this stuff?

I bought some things.

I thought it was time to
get some new, better things.

What did you get?

What did I get?
I got some great stuff.

I got a cooler, a lamp,
a picture frame...

and a pepper mill that
has been "chef recommended."

Some new, better things.

Oh, and I almost forgot...

"Debra's ears."

"One on each side,

Like a dainty cup,

So gently they hold
thine sunglasses up.

So round and nice,
with a subtle ridge,

There's no bone in there,
it's cartilage."

Okay, very nice.

So, now that we have
all these things,

you can get rid
of all your other stuff.

- Ray...
- What?

If, as you say,
Chad and Gary

and the other givers of gifts
don't mean anything,

then you should have no reason to keep
that stuff, so let's just toss it out.

Don't you think you're
going a little overboard?

No, I do not.

You're a completely
rational person?

Yes, I am.

Has anyone
seen Susanna?

You didn't!

Didn't what?

How are we supposed to know
where your doll is?

Maybe this is what happens

when you don't
take care of your things.

Ray!

- Did you look under your bed?
- Yes.

- And the rest of your room?
- Yes.

- And the trunk of my car?
- No.

Well, maybe before you
come in here and start going,

"Mommy, Daddy,
I can't find my things,"

maybe you should look there.

What were you gonna do, Ray--
dump the doll's body in Jersey?

I was just gonna
take it for a ride.

Maybe...

to come back with
a brand-new, better doll.

Maybe a black one, unless maybe
you have some kinda problem with that.

Oh, you are
out of your mind!

Are you gonna
throw out the stuff or not?

- No!
- I would do it for you!

I would never
ask you to do that.

You wouldn't have to--

I'd never put you in
a position of having to!

Here, my entire pre-Debra
female history, gone!

- What are you doing?
- I do it for you!

Oh, this is crazy!

Wait a minute.
What's in here?

This is just the tape
and a shoe horn.

There's nothing in here.

What, are you bluffing
so I'll throw out my stuff?

I wasn't bluffing...

Debra.

That's all there is.

Ashoe horn?

It came with the box.

What about that
"What-a-Hunk" mug with the hearts?

From my mom.

Don't feel sorry for me,

unless you're
feelin' sorry for me

because I have to live in
a museum of your erotic past.

It is not a museum.

So you admit
it was erotic!

You know what?
It's time to clean house.

All right.
Okay, fine.

You--you throw it
all out if you want.

You can throw out all my stuff,
I don't care about that stuff.

But if you think that you are
going to erase my past,

you are not gonna do that.

And I don't know why
you would want to do that.

Because my past
has made me who I am.

So I can throw it all out?

You know,
you have a problem.

You know what your
problem is? That tape.

- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.

You think all these gifts
mean as much to me

as your precious tape
means to you.

The tape doesn't mean
anything to me,

you just saw me
throw it in the garbage!

And I saw your face
when you listened to it.

All of a sudden
it was 20 years ago,

and we were
back in your dorm room.

I didn't make any face.

You turned all red
and embarrassed.

Like on our first date
when you ordered the...

"filet mignon."

So? It's a
little embarrassing.

No. It's more
than that.

But if you don't want
to tell me why

"Karen 1982" still means
so much to you,

I'm not gonna keep asking.

Why did she
break up with me?

What?

That's why I kept
the tape for so long.

I just...wanted
to figure it out.

Could you listen
to the tape?

Maybe there's some hidden
woman thing I'm not hearing.

I heard the tape. She doesn't
say why she breaks up with you.

Why doesn't she?

I wasn't there.

What happened?

I don't know.

Things were goin' good,

we had been goin' out
a for couple months...

it seemed like
she was happy with me.

Then I remember
we went to see "Tootsie."

I liked it, she liked it,

we had fun...

Next thing I know,
"Good bye, forever, Ray."

What did I do?

People liked "Tootsie," right?

- I liked it.
- See?

So what was it?

It's like somebody
can break up with you

at any time
for no reason.

I just always wanted
to know why, you know?

Hi, Ray.
This is Debra.

Um...I've been
doing some thinking,

and these are the reasons
why we should break up.

You're obsessive,
insecure, selfish.

You don't always have
the best judgment

with your children
and their dolls...

and yet...

I'm never gonna
leave you, ever,

because you happen
to be perfect for me.

And I love you very much,
you stupid, stupid man.

Beep!

That's the best message
anybody's ever left me.

Still wanna lure me
with your sex?

Did you ever listen
to the rest of that tape from college?

What do you mean?

Sounded like there were
a lot more messages on it.

No, I didn't listen.

After the Karen message,
all I could listen to was Dan Fogelberg.

You ready?
You ready for this?

Hello, Raymond,
it's your mother.

I haven't heard
from you today.

Did you enjoy
the cookies I sent you?

Raymond,
it's your mother.

I still haven't
heard from you.

I hope you're all right.

Raymond Albert Barone!

This is your mother!

You pick up that phone
and you call me!

Ray, it's your father.
Jeezaloo, call your mother!

Ray, Robert.

I was thinkin' of
comin' up this weekend.

Are you talking
to Raymond?

I gotta get out
of this house!

I can't take it anymore.
Why would you go to college?

You gotta help me, man!

Give me that phone!

Ma, no--
get outta my room!