Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 6, Episode 16 - Lucky Suit - full transcript

When Robert gets a job offer with the FBI, Marie tries to stop him from being successful.

Oh, great.
You're all here.

I was just
thinking that myself.

I have some exciting news.

Your blue ox came home?

That's funny.

I was gonna say,
"Dr. Frankenstein built a bride?"

What's going on,
Robert?

Okay--

I just got a call
from the FBl.

- The FBl?
- Oh my gosh!

My captain
has connections there,



And he recommended me--

Today, Special Agent
Thomas Garfield called

to set up a job interview.

Oh, Robert,
that is fantastic!

Yeah, I know,
I can't believe it.

We have a meeting
tomorrow morning.

This is gonna be great--
I'm gonna get a good shave,

I'm gonna put on
my lucky suit, and Ma, what do you say,

I'll come over early
and you'll make me breakfast?

I'm thinking
funny-shaped pancakes.

Of course, dear.

I'm just surprised
about all this.

I thought you were gonna
do your 20 years and then retire.

Yeah, I know, but Ma,
this is the FBl!



I mean, this is like
a whole new phase in my life.

You know,
"Robert Barone, Part Two."

"This time he's fatter!"

Good pancakes.

Yeah.

Juice?

What?

You gonna
have some juice?

- Oh. No.
- 'Cause I was just thinking

you might want some
before your big FBl interview.

No, actually I'm
feeling pretty good.

Get me some juice.

Here you go.

Oh. Great, Ma.

Thanks for ironing
that for me.

Okay. Put that on.

And put this
trench coat on over it.

Nah, don't need it.
Just my lucky suit.

Yes, but I think
you should wear this coat

because it makes you look
very FBl-ish.

All right.

No, put it on now.

So you'll get used to it.

Could I finish
my breakfast first?

Sure. Sure.

How about
my juice?

All right.

Hey--

what happened

to the back
of your jacket?!

- Frank.
- What?

You got a big burn mark
on the back of your jacket.

What?!

Oh my God!

Ma, what happened?!

I think that was
already there.

Ma!

I had the television on

and a commercial for some
sports program came on,

and it said that Raymond
was gonna be on it.

Oh my God!

But he never told me.

And I started to wonder why
I have to hear about it on TV

instead of him telling me.

- So you burned my lucky suit?!
- I was distracted.

Did he tell you anything
about being on a sports program?

Who cares?!

Don't yell at me.

The person we should
be upset with is Raymond.

This was my lucky suit.

Well, I think you're
down to lucky pants.

What happened, Ma?!

Huh? You ruined
my lucky suit

the most important
day of my life.

How many times
do I have to apologize?

What am I gonna do?

Well, you're gonna
go and change.

You don't need a lucky suit.
You're a wonderful boy.

And you're
a wonderful ironer.

That's enough, Frank.

Now I gotta go
through my interview in an unlucky suit.

Just because you're not
wearing your lucky suit

doesn't mean that
whatever you do wear

- will be unlucky.
- Look at my life.

All my other clothes
are unlucky.

I feel terrible.

Aw...

It'll be all right.

Listen,

get me some juice.

Stupid suit.

I hate you, I hate you,
I hate you!

- Good morning.
- Oh, good morning.

- Special Agent Garfield.
- Lieutenant Robert Barone.

Were you just
saying something?

No.

Just sitting here.

Quietly.

You didn't say,
"l hate you, I hate you"?

Oh.

No.

Why don't we
get started?

All right.

So what's that,
my permanent record?

Yes.

Let's see...

19 years NYPD,

no disciplinary actions,

1 1 commendations.
Very nice.

Yes, the commendations
are nice.

But really, the job

is its own reward.

That's the kind of attitude
we look for around here.

It's about teamwork--
being part of a team.

- Your water.
- Thank you so much.

And this fax
came for you, sir.

So, as I was saying--

Is this a joke?

Excuse me?

"Dear FBl Agent Garfield.

"I'm writing to ask
for your understanding.

"You have an interview
this morning with my son,

Robert Barone.

I think you will find Robert
to be an exceptional candidate

for the job.

He is hard-working,
brave, and handsome.

But I feel I have
hurt his chances somewhat.

You see,
he has a lucky suit.

And while I was
ironing this morning,

I ruined it.

He was very upset,

so he might be
a little distracted.

Please don't
hold this against him.

If anything, blame me.

I don't mind,
I'm used to it.

Of course,

it's also my other son
Raymond Barone's fault.

He's a famous sportswriter.
Perhaps you've heard of him.

But mostly,
I'm to blame.

I only wanted Robert
to look his best.

Thank you
for understanding.

Sincerely,
Marie Barone."

- "P.S.--
- Oh, God.

Please ask Robert
to forgive me.

I tried,

but it'll mean more
coming from you."

Please forgive
your mother.

Mom, I didn't
purposely not tell you

I was gonna be on TV,
I just forgot.

Then maybe I'll just
forget to watch.

Fine, don't watch.

Fine, I won't.

What time is it on?

So I'll know when
not to watch.

What? What?

Oh!

Robert, you scared me.

How did your
interview go?

Come here. Let me
tell you about it.

Didn't it go well?

Oh, it was going okay,

and then Agent Garfield
read me a letter

about crazy Robert
and his lucky suit.

What?

I never said "crazy."

Ma, what did you do?

She faxed the FBl a letter

about how she ruined
my lucky suit.

I wasn't sure
it went through.

It was the first time
I ever used a fax machine.

Marie, why don't you
go into the kitchen?

Robert, how about
you just stay here and...

maybe blink a few times?

Why would you do it?
Why would you send a letter?

The guy looked at me

Iike I was a pathetic,
candy-ass mama's boy.

Well, then he seems
awfully critical.

He's the FBl, Ma!

I wasn't applying
for a job at the Gap!

Frank, turn
the television off.

- Why?
- Because we're talking.

So I'll turn it up louder.

Hey!

Frank, Robert's meeting
didn't go very well.

What meeting?

With the FBl, Dad.
Pay attention.

I'll take his cluelessness
over her sabotage

any day of the week.

- My what?
- You heard me. Your sabotage.

You're a saboteur--
saboteur!

I don't understand.
I was just trying to help you.

Oh, help, help.
You're trying to help me?

Like the guy who shaves your ankles
before the electric chair?

Is that the kind of help?!
Thanks for the help!

- What do I owe you?!
- All right.

You're upset
because you feel your interview

didn't go as well as it could,
and I'm sorry, too.

But that doesn't give you
the right to lash out at me.

Listen to me, woman!

Now, if this was the only time
that you ever screwed me up,

I just would have gone home
and said, "Oh, that Mom..."

But this is
just the latest

in your psychotic
series of attempts

to keep me down!

Robert, I think
you're getting carried away.

Debra, please.
We're talking.

Oh, come on, Deb, come on!
You know how she is!

Now's your chance.
Tell her how you feel!

It's time to rise up
and cast off the shackles!

Easy there, Spartacus.

Yeah, Robert,
in hindsight,

maybe faxing that letter
wasn't the best idea,

but I think Marie
was only trying to help.

Wait a minute--

you're gonna stand there

and tell me
that she doesn't

wrap her tentacles around
every part of your life

and squeeze and squeeze
and squeeze and squeeze?!

Is that what you're gonna
tell me right now?!

Okay, but she's not
a saboteur.

Robbie, please,

why would I want to keep you
from getting that job?

So you could keep your family
the way you like it--

with you sitting on top,
Queen Marie.

This is crazy talk.

Oh, yeah? Everyone else
isn't below you?

Look, here's little
Prince Raymond,

heir to the throne.

What throne?

Shut up!

You say "Shut up"
to the Prince?

And then you have
your court jester,

with his bald head
and weighty behind!

And then there's me--
the peasant, the serf.

And God forbid I should
move up just a little,

because it might upset
your perfect order!

You can't actually
believe that.

- What am I supposed to believe?!
- I would never--

No, look, enough!
Just--

just stay out of my life.

All right, then.

If that's what you want.

That's what I want.

I really think the FBl
could use my son.

Mrs. Barone--

Now, I know he overreacted
a little to my letter, but he'd be

- an asset to your organization...
- Mrs. Barone--

- So could you pick up the phone--
- Mrs. Barone--

- Yes?
- How did you get in here?

I talked to the man
up front,

and I told him

I had to speak to you
about my son Robert.

And they asked me
if I was the lucky suit lady,

which I guess I am.

So I said yes,

and they smiled
and they let me in.

Bastards.

I wanted to talk to you
face to face.

That letter,
I just scribbled that out

to get to you
as fast as I could.

Mrs. Barone,

I'm trying to understand
why you're really here.

I'm a mother.

I'm sure you know
what I'm talking about.

You have a picture
of your dear mother

Iooking at you every day.

That's my wife.

Ahandsomewoman.

Mrs. Barone,
I'm beginning to think

you really don't want
your son to have this job.

Did Robbie tell you
to say that to me?

Or Frank?
Did my husband call you?

- No, I'm just looking at the evidence.
- What evidence?

- Well, you did ruin his lucky suit.
- That was an accident.

Or part of
a pattern of behavior.

Yes, love love love.

Then you wrote
this letter which you said

- you scribbled out in a hurry.
- That's right.

Mrs. Barone,
I spent a year

teaching handwriting
analysis at the academy.

I always got "A"s
in penmanship,

so I don't know where
you're going with this.

This letter was written
with a cool and purposeful hand.

No, I was in a rush.

And then, even though
Robert told you

the letter embarrassed him,
now you arrive in person.

I wanted to fix
what I did.

I made cookies.

Double chocolate chip.

Mrs. Barone, you seem like
an intelligent woman.

Thank you.
Have a cookie.

Do you really think

that a mother interfering
to the extent that you have

could possibly help a man
get a job with the FBl?

There's something else
going on.

He was supposed
to retire.

He's a year away from
not being a police officer,

which means I could stop
worrying about him

every second of the day.

I want him to be safe.

Now he wants to go
from one dangerous job

to another?

How long do I have
to walk around

with a knot
in my stomach?

Forever?

I can't do it anymore.

It's too much.

But he wants this job.

It'll make him happy.

And he should be happy.

So, yes, he should
have this job.

Please, give him
this job.

I can't do that.

No, no--
don't blame him,

you can punish me!

Put one of those
tracking things on my legs

so I can't get
out of the house.

And if you met my husband,

you'd know that's
punishment enough.

Mrs. Barone, the reason
your son isn't getting this job

has nothing
to do with you.

He's a fine officer,

it's just that there are
better qualified candidates

for the position.

Better qualified
than my Robbie?

Yes.

All right, let me
tell you something.

My Robbie's
too good for you.

That's right.

He's too good
for this place,

and maybe you could
use a lucky suit,

because that's
a horrible color on you.

And your wife does look
like your mother!

Do you validate parking?

Hello, Robbie.

Hey.

May I come in?

I made you cookies.
Double chocolate chip.

Thank you.

You know, I was thinking
about what you said.

Uh-huh.

Aboutmesabotagingyou.

And although I'm not crazy
about the word "sabotage,"

um, maybe I understand now
what you meant.

Oh, yeah?

Yes.

After you said it,

I went for a drive.

Um, and I stopped
at that diner on Roosevelt Boulevard

for a cup of coffee
and some banana cream pie.

And all of a sudden,
I thought, "My gosh,

maybe Robbie is right."

Really?

It just hit me
all of a sudden.

Really?
At a diner?

Over banana cream pie?

It's funny
how the mind works.

It didn't happen
at the FBl office

of Agent Tom Garfield
about 35 minutes ago?

No, I think
it was the diner.

Ma...

All right, so I went
to visit him.

Love makes you do
crazy things sometimes.

Banana cream pie...

How did you
find out?

He called me.

What?!

How dare he stick his nose
into my business!

Look, Ma, he told me
what you said.

Well, he's a liar.

Look, Ma...

he told me how you feel
about my job.

Well, I'm sorry.
I can't help it.

I know.

Thanks.

So, you going
to work now?

Yep.

- Well, then, you--
- I'll be careful.

Come on,
I'll walk you to your car.

Listen, just so you know--

I didn't make everything up,
I really did stop for pie.

That's okay.

But it was coconut.

I don't know
why I changed it.

Oh, boy.

How much longer until
"The Prince Raymond Show" comes on?

Uh, we got
about a minute.

I thought you weren't
gonna watch it, Ma.

Quiet.

Move over.

Here, Uncle Robert.

Hey, what's this?

I heard about
your lucky suit,

So I made you
this lucky hat.

Aww-ww.

Thanks, Geoffrey.

That is so sweet of him.
That means so much to--

Quiet, quiet.
Here comes Raymond.

Game check will not
be seen tonight

so that we can bring you

continuing local
election coverage.

- What?
- Are you kidding me?!

I was funny, too.
I was good on it.