Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 6, Episode 1 - The Angry Family - full transcript

"So the lion got some cream
for his chicken pox."

How many more
before Michael?

Shh!

40 minutes already!

Quiet!

"And his mommy
put the cream on,

and he felt better."

The end.

Thank you, Gracie.

That was a wonderful
and very imaginative story.

And nowwe have Ian



Oh, crap.

"Escape from the Blue Planet."

Finally, science fiction.

"The rocket ship landed
on the blue planet

that was filled
with water."

You don't think
this is nice?

You know, they wrote these
all by themselves.

No kidding.

"And the rocket got stuck,

but the pilot
had some extra gas."

He's not
the only one.

"So that is how
they were able to escape

from the blue planet."

The end.



Wonderful, lan,
and very exciting.

Michael?
It's your turn.

Thank God.

We go after this.

"The Angry Family."

"The daddy was mad
at the mommy."

"The mommy was mad
at the daddy."

"The mommy and daddy
were very mad at the grandpa."

"The grandma got mad
at everybody."

I did not!

It's wonderful.

"The grownups
were always very loud.

It hurt the kids' ears.'

The end.

-Let's watch TV!
-Yeah! Yay!

Let's watch TV!

Whoo!

Well, I can't go there
anymore.

The looks I was getting--

I've never gotten looks
like that in my life.

You oughta watch me more.

How could you let Michael
write something like that?

We didn't know anything
about this.

Eileen let the kids write
whatever they wanted.

Who's Eileen?

The teacher.

I'm not thrilled about this,
either, but, you know,

kids should be able
to express what they're feeling.

What a load of bull.

Here's a perfect example
of your liberal,

"free to be a bird or bee"
college claptrap

comin' home to bite
your whole family in the ass!

Oh?

The whole family?

The whole family--
what am l?!

I wasn't even mentioned
in that book.

What, you're insulted
'cause you weren't insulted?

I'm insulted that you have
brainwashed your children

into thinking
the only thing l'm good for

is to hold up a pinata.

And I don't
look like that.

-What?
-The kid's illustrations.

People are gonna think
I look like that.

Okay, everyone,

could we all please
just go home?

Debra's right.
We gotta talk to Michael.

You gonna punish him?
I want input.

All right,
come on, come on.

Nobody's punishing anyone.

Of course not. God forbid
someone's feelings should get hurt.

Well,
my feelings are hurt.

Mine, too!
Nobody cares!

I'm writing my own book.

Get out.

That's the title.

-Michael!
-What are you gonna do?

I wanna talk to him.

Michael, could you
come in here, please?

-Be careful what you say.
-Don't worry.

He writes it down.

Sweetie, I just want
to ask you something.

Do you think that your family
is "The Angry Family"?

It's okay, honey,
you can tell us.

Ray, you wanna--

Nope.

I loved your story, Michael.

Said Daddy.

Go on,
watch TV, honey.

-What is wrong with you?
-What?

Hey, if you were
on top of stuff,

you coulda stopped
the story from leakin' out.

I am on top of stuff!
What do you do, huh?

Look, those stories
were supposed to be a surprise

for the parents.

A surprise for the parents?

I think the surprise is,

you get to the school
and there's an open bar.

No, this was like an ambush.

And you can't even see what
the real problem is here, can you?

There's an image
that Michael has of us.

Come on, we're normal.

Comparatively normal.

-Watch the news.
-Please.

Although Iwill say,

there are times

when you seem to yell
for no reason, you know?

Maybe...

Maybe that's what
he's pickin' up on.

I'm pretty sure

that most of the leading
characters in that story

were from the Barone side.

Yeah, okay, but the loud part,
l'm thinkin', is probably you.

So you're blaming me?

You're completely free
and clear.

I'm sorry,
but I am not the yeller.

You are the reason
for the yeller!

Well, you assume
that there must be yelling!

-You're damn right there's yell--
-Hey, hey, hey!

-Hey!
-Can I have a juice?

-What, honey?
-Can I have a juice?

-Sure, sweetie.
-Yeah, sure.

-We can do that, right, Mommy?
-Thank you, Daddy.

Thank you.

We have problems.

It's all right.
All right?

No, it is not all right.

This argument just now

is exactly what Michael
was referring to.

Well, you don't gotta worry about
this one, because that was Geoffrey.

Phone.

Hello?

Oh--hi, Eileen.

Yeah, hi.

How are ya?

Yeah. Oh, no, that was
a great open house, yeah.

Dynamite.

What conference?

Oh! Oh.
That's this week, too.

Yeah, right.
With the parents.

Uh-huh. Yeah. I guess
we must've forgot about it.

Wasn't like we were trying
to run out or anything.

'Cause, uh,
we wanna talk to you.

We love you.

All right okay.

Yeah, sure, we'll
see you tomorrow. Okay.

Bye-bye.

Listen, about tomorrow,
I got a pretty big day, so--

-You don't want to finish that.
-All right. Okay.

And did you have to sound
so guilty on the phone?

How about you?
You ran away like a little girl.

Okay...

So... how are you?

Terrific!

So...

That was so,
so funny yesterday.

-What was?
-Michael's book. "Angry Family."

I don't know
where he--

Anyway, um,
it's great to be here.

Happy to discuss
everything.

I was really impressed
with what Michael

wrote about in his book,
weren't you?

Me?
Uh, definitely.

Oh, definitely.

Um, but I do think
that his book was...

just a story.

And,yes,

obviously all stories
do come from somewhere.

Well, not all of 'em.

Hmm?

I was just thinkin'
somethin'--

I was just thinkin',
some stories come from...

Iike-like those shows
you go to where they say,

"Give us a location!"

And then the audience
goes, "An elevator!"

And then they say,

"What language should
we do?" or somethin',

And you yell, "French!"

You know, and then they do
a hilarious thing right there.

"Second floor--croissants!"
You know?

Yeah. They just--

they make that stuff up
right there on the spot.

Yeah.

So that would be
one example

where some stories
do come from.

Is-is that what Michael did?

Probably not.

Please stop.

I'm just--
l'm talkin' to Eileen.

Uh, Eileen, um...

did Michael
say anything to you?

I mean, did he say
anything specific about home?

And remember,
children lie.

Ray, we have
nothing to hide.

I don't know what
he's so afraid of.

I mean, 'cause we're
a normal family.

Comparatively.

I mean, watch the news.

That was mine,
the normal thing.

She stole that from me.

It is not your thing!
We are normal!

You know,
we do have counselors.

Father Hubley is very good.

No, no, that's the last thing
that we need.

Why do you say that?

Because then everybody's
talkin' about it--

Look, what are you--

Why do you have to be
so close-minded?

-You see, this is the attitude.
-l'm not close-minded.

Uch, what are you doing
right now?

This is who you are.

Why can't you just
talk about things, huh?

Talk!

You know, I have to say

that you're actually exhibiting
some of the very traits

that seem to jump off the page
in Michael's book.

Who?

Oh... you.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

First of all,
it's not a book.

It's pieces
of construction paper.

-You sound a bit close-minded.
-Hey.

Eileen...

you have no idea
what I have to put up with.

When I got married,
I didn't just get a husband,

I got a whole freak show

that set up their tent
right across the street.

And that-that
would be fine,

if they stayed there.

But every day--
every day--

they dump a truckload
of their insane family dreck

into my lap.

How would you
like to sit through

two people in their 60s

fighting over
who invented the lawn?

The lawn!

Andthenthe brother...

"l live in an apartment.

I don't even have a lawn.
Raymond has a lawn."

But you can't blame him
when you see who the mother is.

She has this kind of sick hold
on the both of them.

And the father's about
as disgusting a creature

as God has ever dropped
onto this planet.

So no wonder the kid
writes stories!

I should be
writing stories.

My life is a Gothic novel,

and until you have
lived in that house,

with all of them in there
with you day after day,

week after week,
year after friggin' year,

wou are in no position
to judge me!

Where are you in here,
Robert?

Exactly.

I'll tell you
what concerns me.

I wanna know why I was drawn
completely without hair.

That is an exaggeration
which I do not appreciate.

All right, now, all right,
there's no need for tension.

We all have enough tension.

Believe me, this job
pounds the life out of you.

Eileen, maybe you'd
like to start with--

No, thank you.

What?

Listen, Eileen, again,

I am so sorry about getting
a little testy with you yesterday.

That's really not like me.

Yeah, yeah, fine, fine.

Adam.

Adam is
the school's counselor,

and we thought we'd like
to have this little talk today

to see if maybe
we can help you people.

Okay?

Go on, Adam.

Sure.

Hi, everyone.

I'm Adam Burke, and I am
the school's counselor,

but I like to think of myself
more as a facilitator.

Oh, Jeez.

So, here's a question.

Do any of you ever feel
that the "anger"

gets out of control?

-No, no way.
-No, I really don't.

-Yes.
-What?

Yes, I do feel
that the anger

sometimes gets
out of control.

I feel it whenever
I come into the house.

There is a solution.

I don't understand.
I am there in a loving,

nurturing capacity,

as is my wont.

Well, then, maybe
we should ask ourselves,

"Where could the anger
in this family be coming from?"

No, all right.
I am not gonna--

I do not want to sit here!

No, no, no.
Stop, stop.

I'm fine.
My apologies.

Ray, you know what?

I don't think people need
to hear my side of things again.

Maybe you could
say something objective.

Okay.

Uh, all I know is...

Debra's good.

She's really, really good.

You know, she's got
a lot of stuff to do, and...

that's why...

if she's all...

that's why.

Uh, if I may...

you mentioned, Father Hubley,
that I was not included in that book,

and that is
a very astute observation.

And I do believe
that my unique position

in this... family,

as that of an outsider,

allows me to view

this hodgepodge of life

from a rather unique
vantage point.

Top of a beanstalk?

And I do maintain

that if anyone
is to blame, Father,

for this river
of pent-up hostility

that runs
through this sorry bunch

Iike you-know-what
through a we-know-what...

that person goes by
the name... of Raymond.

Ohh,
sit down, you dope.

He is and always has been
the center--

the center of attention,

the center of affection,

he always gets
the center chair in the kitchen.

And this anger
of which you speak,

from the rest
of these poor souls,

stems from
his unwillingness to share

even the tiniest portion
of the spotlight

that shines,
without end...

on him.

Aah!
What are you doing?

What are you doing?!

What are you doing?

"Center chair."

It's my kitchen.
Get your own kitchen.

There you go,
you see,

because I only have a kitchenette,
and he loves it!

Right, "rub it in" Raymond?
No house for me.

No wife, no kids,
no lawn, no nothin'!

Hey, Father,
let me ask you somethin'.

Would you know
who invented the lawn?

Ohh!

Would you stop?!

No one "invented" it,
it's grass!

Oh, yeah?
So cavemen had lawns?

Yes, they were called
"fields," you baboon!

You wanna know where all
the tension in the family comes from?

I'm chained to it.

Here she is.

And if you're lookin' to find out
why she's like this,

I'm givin' it to you,
for once and for all.

You ready?

There! Right there!

She married him!

And this one
still can't deal with it!

How dare you?

-lt-it-it's all right, Mrs.--
-You hold on.

You think Michael's book
is my fault, don't ya?

Don't ya? Huh?

If there's ever a problem
in the family,

it's the mother.
It's always the mother.

Well, you all ought to be
ashamed of yourselves.

And you, you-you allow that,
Father Hubley?

Shame on you.

That's right.
You had a mother.

And you allowed
all this to happen

in your school,
in your parish.

This 'new psychology'--

that children
are always right,

they're being rewarded
for every little thing they do

with the stickers.

I mean, these kids are comin' home
full of stickers

for doing nothing!

"Ooh.
I went to the potty."

"Here's a sticker."

In my day, you had
to earn a reward,

and even then,
you didn't get it.

And if there was yelling
in the house, you earned that, too.

There was nothing
to be ashamed of.

I want to tell you
something.

There is nothing wrong
with this family.

We're very close,
we're very open,

we're very loving,
'cause I make sure of it.

But everybody
has to make a big deal.

You have to have a meeting,
you have to have an inquiry,

you have to have
a witch hunt.

I think
they found one.

Well...

thank you, everybody...

for a lovely morning.

Believe it or not,

I do understand
the pressures and tensions

of raising a family
in today's world.

But I think
this particular family

compounds the problem

by maybe being a bit too close
to each other constantly,

Iike ping-pong balls pounding
and hitting off each other...

in the lottery machine.

Except...

nobody wins in this one,

Ieast of all,
the children,

which is what I got
from this book.

So it's not about you...

or you...
or you...

or you...

Or even Raymond, today.

It's about
this little guy...

and this sweet, simple way
of maybe...

giving you a message.

Now...

we have
these parenting books

that you might want
to take a look at...

-l'll try one.
-Oh, l'll take one.

We'll take 'em all,
we'll take 'em all.

Give me one.
They're not all for you.

Relax, Dad.
You're gonna get one!

-Hey!
-Hey!

-Come here, you.
-Come here.

What'd you do,
go to the bathroom?

Yeah.
Your light's on.

Yeah, that's 'cause
we're readin'.

We're readin'
a coupla books here.

Give me that head.
Give me that. Mm-mm!

Hey, it's time
for bed, dude.

-Okay?
-Come on.

-See ya tomorrow, okay?
-See you in the morning, honey.

Hey, listen, Michael,

we really loved
your story you wrote,

and we learned a lot
from it.

I like that cartoon.

What cartoon?

Monster Maniacs.

They're really funny.
They're always yelling.

With a win over the Angels,
last night's 1-0 screamer

gave the Royals a one-nothing lead
in the three game series.