Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 5, Episode 9 - Fighting In-Laws - full transcript
Debra's parents visit for Thanksgiving and confess that they're going to marriage counseling.
So you're stuck with Debra's parents
for the whole weekend?
We hardly get to see them.
So when they come to town,
we want to spend as much time
as possible with them.
I've been told that's how I feel.
I don't know. There's something
about Debra's mom.
She gives me the willies.
What about the husband?
He's the weird one.
He got all that lotion on him.
He's all slick and moist like a beaver
running through the woods.
- Ray, could you get that?
- Come in!
- Get the door, Ray!
- All right!
Come in!
- Hello, Raymond.
- Hey, there... Debra!
Happy Turkey's Eve, Raymond.
Hey, same to you.
- Deb! Oh, okay.
- Hi, Mom, Dad. You made it!
- Mm-hmm, in record time.
- Yeah?
Your mother kept an eagle eye out
for Smokeys.
Oh, Warren.
- Hi, Grandma!
- Hey, kiddies. Hi there, babies.
Oh, isn't this nice?
Connecticut
Grandma and Grandpa
and regular
Grandma and Grandpa.
- Who wants Tootsie Pops?
- Me me me!
Oh, Lois.
- Hi, Marie.
- Hi.
Marie, you're
looking wonderful.
Oh, I just think
I look like a wreck.
I've been helping
Debra cook.
You can imagine.
- I'll get the rest.
- Oh, and Robert...
how nice that you're here.
Oh, he had to go. He's...
he's passing a stone.
Could you get up, Frank?
Would you give me those?
Pants, Dad! Pants pants.
You want them up or down?
What kind of party is this?
You can never complain about
my parents again, ever. I mean it.
- Okay, well, this is all of it.
- Did you get that?
- Yeah.
- Oh my goodness.
How long are
your relatives staying, dear?
Well, we hardly get to see them.
When they come to town,
we want to spend as much time
as possible with them.
This is for our trip
to Baden-Baden in Germany.
It's in the schwarzwald.
- Right on the banks of the Oosbach.
- Oosbach?
There are plenty of places with funny
names right here in the U.S.
- That's enough, Frank.
- Milwaukee.
Dad.
Lake Tahoe.
What's funny about that?
Ta-hoe.
Actually,
Baden-Baden
has the most amazing spa.
It is amazing,
or as they say...
I got spit all over me here.
Ooh! My yams!
- Plenty of marshmallows, right?!
- Of course!
Because without the marshmallows,
it's a damn vegetable!
I know!
I'm right in the middle
of my yams, so, Ray,
could you show
my parents upstairs?
Uh, yeah, all right. It's just...
it's up those stairs.
Take them up
to their room, Ray!
We hardly get to see you.
When you come,
we want to spend as much time
as possible with you.
- Cape Cod!
- Okay.
Yeah, Dad, we get it!
I like the "Cod" part.
So...
this is it... the bedroom.
You mean,
Yeah, that's what I mean.
It's so nice of you
to give up your room for us.
I hope we're not
putting you out.
No no. No, except for the part
where I've got to get out.
Okay.
I'll just get my jammies.
You know what's the best thing
to sleep in?
A hotel?
Nothing! Au naturel.
It really gives the body
a sense of freedom, huh, honey?
Oh, let freedom ring!
Yeah...
This is wunderbar.
Ah...
nice firm mattress, huh?
Oh, yeah.
This'll be great for my hip.
My pillow.
Debra.
- Debra.
- What?
Does your father shower
before he goes to bed?
I don't know.
We have to get a new bed.
Would you just go to sleep?
You should be happy to have normal
people in the house for a change.
Hey, say what you want
about my father,
he's never been naked
in our bed.
Except for that one
Super Bowl.
You told me
he was wearing underwear.
Just socks.
We got to get a new bed.
- Where are you going?
- I'm thirsty.
You know...
if you listen real careful,
you can hear
my pillow screaming.
Everybody's getting naked
in my bed except me.
I'm getting
something to drink.
Well, you have to do
the homework.
I was doing the homework,
Commandant!
No, you weren't doing it right.
The binder says to list
our partner's positive qualities
with examples.
Now, have you done any of the--
Fine!
Warren is very very good
at being controlling!
"Controlling" has two L's.
Let me see what else you wrote.
- Get away from me!
- Lois, show me what you wrote.
I don't want to look
ridiculous this week.
That's right!
All you care about
is how you look.
Don't even want to go to this thing.
Why can't we go to Baden-Baden
like we told everybody?
This thing is going
to be a waste of time.
You are
so damn negative.
You don't think
we need a little help?
How about the sex?
What about the sex?
I am not withholding sex
from you!
I'm tired! Can I ever be tired?!
Is that allowed?!
Well, I'm never too tired.
We're both down on this.
That's a good quality.
Oh, yes. You'd like for everyone
to see that, wouldn't you?
What? All of a sudden,
discussing our sex life
is verboten?
Ech! That face!
- What face?
- Your language face!
Verboten? Oosbach?
- I never make that face!
- You have a face for everything.
Here is your
how-is-my-hair face.
Oh, and my favorite,
"We're out of vermouth?"
I need the vermouth
to put up with your phoniness.
"Oh, we're off to Baden-Baden."
"Oh, Robert, how wonderful...
to see you again."
Come on, you know
the guy freaks you out.
You are exactly the same.
And these are not
the people to tell
that you're going
to marriage counseling!
- It's only for a week.
- Oh, yes!
Only a week of marriage counseling
in New Jersey.
It's like getting shot
and then hung!
Hanged.
What's going on?
What happened to you last night?
Did you go to over
to your parents' to sleep?
Why didn't I think of that?
No, I slept in the damn garage.
What?
You slept in the car?
No.
I slept on the sled.
Honey, why?
I was trapped down there.
Your parents were down here
yapping and...
I fell asleep waiting for them
to go upstairs.
What, so you were
hiding from them?
They were talking
about personal stuff.
So?
You want to know
what they were saying?
"What's that smell
in the garage?"
It was about their trip.
Their fakey-fake trip.
To that foreign place.
What, Baden-Baden?
Mmm, see?
You want to know.
They're not really going there.
They're going to New Jersey.
New Jersey?
For a week
with a marriage counselor.
That's right!
"Huh"? That's all
you're going to say, "Huh"?
Come on, this is big doings here,
sister, huh?
She... he hates
that she's a phony,
and she hates
his Oosbach face.
You know what, Ray?
It's a private matter.
And my parents,
unlike yours,
don't feel the need to inflict
their lives on everybody else.
Or, maybe they're
a little embarrassed,
because as it turns out,
they're not so perfect.
Yeah, or maybe they're just trying
to work out their problems
before their marriage degenerates
into a screaming match
Iike your parents.
Arguing about how deep a pan is
before it's a pot.
"lf it's three inches, it's a pot!
Everybody knows that, Marie!"
"lf you can't boil an egg
in it, it's not a pot,
you jackass!"
Hey, either way,
your perfect little Connecticut
oh-make-sure-you-cut-the-crust-
off-my-cucumber- sandwich parents
are frauds!
You listen.
If my parents lit an orphanage
on fire on Christmas Eve,
they wouldn't be as bad
as your parents!
- Huh?
- Yeah.
Oh! You dropped the turkey.
You dropped it.
I always wondered
where the flavor came from.
No running
on Thanksgiving.
Where am I sitting today, Deb?
Between my mom
and your mom.
Got any hard cider?
Ah, the parade is on.
I love the parade.
- What are you doing?
- What?
You turned off the parade
just 'cause I said I loved it?
That was a coincidence.
Well-- change it back.
No.
I'm scraping the marshmallows
off the yams.
Your parents are a treasure.
Hey hey, happy Turkey Day!
Thanks again for the lovely
accommodations.
The coziest B&B
on Long lsland.
Think it'll be
as cozy over in Europe?
- Oh, I doubt it.
- Yeah, so do l.
So where you keeping
the libations locked up?
It's got to be after 5:00
somewhere in the world.
I'm with you, Warren.
Let's get snockered.
Uh, Debra?
Let me help you.
Thanks, Mom.
Yeah, right here.
- So, how's it going?
- Yeah, how's it going?
- Everything's fine.
- Yeah?
I bet you're really excited about
your trip to Haagen-Daagen.
- Ray.
- What?
I'm having a conversation.
I can't talk to my... wife's mother?
Pumpkin, can I interest you
in an aperitif?
Oh, that would be lovely.
Hey, Marie! Beer!
Get it yourself!
- Here you are, meine Liebchen.
- Oh, thank you, darling.
- Just the way I like it. Wunderbar!
- Mom.
- Mom, that's enough.
- What do you mean, dear?
It's enough, okay?
I know.
What? What's enough?
What do you know? What?
Nothing, Marie. It's private.
Private?
What do you mean "private"?
Hey, private.
You know what?
It's nothing, really. I don't know
what I'm talking about.
I'm sorry about that, Mom.
Okay! Let's all eat.
That sounds like a good idea, Debra.
Everything looks delicious.
- Good. Mom, you sit here. Dad, sit--
- No.
What?
- I don't want to do this anymore.
- Warren.
No, I don't have
anything to hide.
I'm tired of these pretensions.
I'm tired of this charade.
As it happens, we're not going
to Baden-Baden this week.
We're going to...
Piscataway.
Hey, that's funny sounding.
Lois and I are going for a week
of marriage counseling.
Well, it's not a full week.
- Can't we talk about something else?
- Yeah.
Robert,
has your stone passed?
I will never understand you.
I'm sorry, but it's not healthy
to go on pretending
that everything is fine
when it isn't.
- You want to put the turkey down?
- No.
Who are you
to talk about healthy
with your anal-retentive
behavior?
Why don't you tell everyone
about how you keep
your left socks in your left drawer
and right socks in your right drawer.
What's wrong with that?
Maybe Dr. Sheely
will have something to say
about all of your
pent up hostility.
- My hostility?
- That's right!
You ought to see
this woman in traffic.
- Curses like a stevedore!
- Not because of the traffic, Warren.
It's because of your
insane whistling!
This whistling
drowns out the profanity!
Well pucker up, Warren!
- Because here it comes!
- Okay, Mom, Dad.
- Please, just calm down!
- Why did you tell Debra about this?!
- I didn't tell Debra!
- Then how did she know?!
Ray heard you!
He was hiding in the garage!
I wasn't hiding.
All right,
I checked the oil, okay.
And it's a good thing I did,
because we were a quart low.
Well, wonderful!
Now everybody knows!
I hope you're happy, Warren!
Sweet bastard,
I'm getting happy!
Is everything all right, dear?
He is just impossible.
Go on.
- Mom? Are you--
- It's all right, dear. We're talking.
I am so tired of my opinion
counting for nothing!
Everything has to be his way!
I swear,
ever since he retired,
it's not like
I'm his wife anymore,
I'm his employee,
and it's all I can do
to keep from strangling him.
I feel so close to you.
Do you know
he makes me iron his jeans?
He insists that
they have a crease.
Atleasthecanwearjeans.
The last time
I got a pair for Frank,
it was from
the maternity jeans.
And I told him
they were just stretchy.
Oh my God.
Hey, your parents seem
to be doing okay. It's nice.
It's not nice.
My father just said,
"Holy crap."
What? You always wanted
our parents to get along.
Yeah, but I didn't want
my parents to convert.
- Look at them.
- You were right, Marie.
Debra could get this rug
a lot cleaner.
Oh, Frank, I got to tell you.
I overdid it this year.
You know what you need, pal?
A pair of my special
stretchy pants.
for the whole weekend?
We hardly get to see them.
So when they come to town,
we want to spend as much time
as possible with them.
I've been told that's how I feel.
I don't know. There's something
about Debra's mom.
She gives me the willies.
What about the husband?
He's the weird one.
He got all that lotion on him.
He's all slick and moist like a beaver
running through the woods.
- Ray, could you get that?
- Come in!
- Get the door, Ray!
- All right!
Come in!
- Hello, Raymond.
- Hey, there... Debra!
Happy Turkey's Eve, Raymond.
Hey, same to you.
- Deb! Oh, okay.
- Hi, Mom, Dad. You made it!
- Mm-hmm, in record time.
- Yeah?
Your mother kept an eagle eye out
for Smokeys.
Oh, Warren.
- Hi, Grandma!
- Hey, kiddies. Hi there, babies.
Oh, isn't this nice?
Connecticut
Grandma and Grandpa
and regular
Grandma and Grandpa.
- Who wants Tootsie Pops?
- Me me me!
Oh, Lois.
- Hi, Marie.
- Hi.
Marie, you're
looking wonderful.
Oh, I just think
I look like a wreck.
I've been helping
Debra cook.
You can imagine.
- I'll get the rest.
- Oh, and Robert...
how nice that you're here.
Oh, he had to go. He's...
he's passing a stone.
Could you get up, Frank?
Would you give me those?
Pants, Dad! Pants pants.
You want them up or down?
What kind of party is this?
You can never complain about
my parents again, ever. I mean it.
- Okay, well, this is all of it.
- Did you get that?
- Yeah.
- Oh my goodness.
How long are
your relatives staying, dear?
Well, we hardly get to see them.
When they come to town,
we want to spend as much time
as possible with them.
This is for our trip
to Baden-Baden in Germany.
It's in the schwarzwald.
- Right on the banks of the Oosbach.
- Oosbach?
There are plenty of places with funny
names right here in the U.S.
- That's enough, Frank.
- Milwaukee.
Dad.
Lake Tahoe.
What's funny about that?
Ta-hoe.
Actually,
Baden-Baden
has the most amazing spa.
It is amazing,
or as they say...
I got spit all over me here.
Ooh! My yams!
- Plenty of marshmallows, right?!
- Of course!
Because without the marshmallows,
it's a damn vegetable!
I know!
I'm right in the middle
of my yams, so, Ray,
could you show
my parents upstairs?
Uh, yeah, all right. It's just...
it's up those stairs.
Take them up
to their room, Ray!
We hardly get to see you.
When you come,
we want to spend as much time
as possible with you.
- Cape Cod!
- Okay.
Yeah, Dad, we get it!
I like the "Cod" part.
So...
this is it... the bedroom.
You mean,
Yeah, that's what I mean.
It's so nice of you
to give up your room for us.
I hope we're not
putting you out.
No no. No, except for the part
where I've got to get out.
Okay.
I'll just get my jammies.
You know what's the best thing
to sleep in?
A hotel?
Nothing! Au naturel.
It really gives the body
a sense of freedom, huh, honey?
Oh, let freedom ring!
Yeah...
This is wunderbar.
Ah...
nice firm mattress, huh?
Oh, yeah.
This'll be great for my hip.
My pillow.
Debra.
- Debra.
- What?
Does your father shower
before he goes to bed?
I don't know.
We have to get a new bed.
Would you just go to sleep?
You should be happy to have normal
people in the house for a change.
Hey, say what you want
about my father,
he's never been naked
in our bed.
Except for that one
Super Bowl.
You told me
he was wearing underwear.
Just socks.
We got to get a new bed.
- Where are you going?
- I'm thirsty.
You know...
if you listen real careful,
you can hear
my pillow screaming.
Everybody's getting naked
in my bed except me.
I'm getting
something to drink.
Well, you have to do
the homework.
I was doing the homework,
Commandant!
No, you weren't doing it right.
The binder says to list
our partner's positive qualities
with examples.
Now, have you done any of the--
Fine!
Warren is very very good
at being controlling!
"Controlling" has two L's.
Let me see what else you wrote.
- Get away from me!
- Lois, show me what you wrote.
I don't want to look
ridiculous this week.
That's right!
All you care about
is how you look.
Don't even want to go to this thing.
Why can't we go to Baden-Baden
like we told everybody?
This thing is going
to be a waste of time.
You are
so damn negative.
You don't think
we need a little help?
How about the sex?
What about the sex?
I am not withholding sex
from you!
I'm tired! Can I ever be tired?!
Is that allowed?!
Well, I'm never too tired.
We're both down on this.
That's a good quality.
Oh, yes. You'd like for everyone
to see that, wouldn't you?
What? All of a sudden,
discussing our sex life
is verboten?
Ech! That face!
- What face?
- Your language face!
Verboten? Oosbach?
- I never make that face!
- You have a face for everything.
Here is your
how-is-my-hair face.
Oh, and my favorite,
"We're out of vermouth?"
I need the vermouth
to put up with your phoniness.
"Oh, we're off to Baden-Baden."
"Oh, Robert, how wonderful...
to see you again."
Come on, you know
the guy freaks you out.
You are exactly the same.
And these are not
the people to tell
that you're going
to marriage counseling!
- It's only for a week.
- Oh, yes!
Only a week of marriage counseling
in New Jersey.
It's like getting shot
and then hung!
Hanged.
What's going on?
What happened to you last night?
Did you go to over
to your parents' to sleep?
Why didn't I think of that?
No, I slept in the damn garage.
What?
You slept in the car?
No.
I slept on the sled.
Honey, why?
I was trapped down there.
Your parents were down here
yapping and...
I fell asleep waiting for them
to go upstairs.
What, so you were
hiding from them?
They were talking
about personal stuff.
So?
You want to know
what they were saying?
"What's that smell
in the garage?"
It was about their trip.
Their fakey-fake trip.
To that foreign place.
What, Baden-Baden?
Mmm, see?
You want to know.
They're not really going there.
They're going to New Jersey.
New Jersey?
For a week
with a marriage counselor.
That's right!
"Huh"? That's all
you're going to say, "Huh"?
Come on, this is big doings here,
sister, huh?
She... he hates
that she's a phony,
and she hates
his Oosbach face.
You know what, Ray?
It's a private matter.
And my parents,
unlike yours,
don't feel the need to inflict
their lives on everybody else.
Or, maybe they're
a little embarrassed,
because as it turns out,
they're not so perfect.
Yeah, or maybe they're just trying
to work out their problems
before their marriage degenerates
into a screaming match
Iike your parents.
Arguing about how deep a pan is
before it's a pot.
"lf it's three inches, it's a pot!
Everybody knows that, Marie!"
"lf you can't boil an egg
in it, it's not a pot,
you jackass!"
Hey, either way,
your perfect little Connecticut
oh-make-sure-you-cut-the-crust-
off-my-cucumber- sandwich parents
are frauds!
You listen.
If my parents lit an orphanage
on fire on Christmas Eve,
they wouldn't be as bad
as your parents!
- Huh?
- Yeah.
Oh! You dropped the turkey.
You dropped it.
I always wondered
where the flavor came from.
No running
on Thanksgiving.
Where am I sitting today, Deb?
Between my mom
and your mom.
Got any hard cider?
Ah, the parade is on.
I love the parade.
- What are you doing?
- What?
You turned off the parade
just 'cause I said I loved it?
That was a coincidence.
Well-- change it back.
No.
I'm scraping the marshmallows
off the yams.
Your parents are a treasure.
Hey hey, happy Turkey Day!
Thanks again for the lovely
accommodations.
The coziest B&B
on Long lsland.
Think it'll be
as cozy over in Europe?
- Oh, I doubt it.
- Yeah, so do l.
So where you keeping
the libations locked up?
It's got to be after 5:00
somewhere in the world.
I'm with you, Warren.
Let's get snockered.
Uh, Debra?
Let me help you.
Thanks, Mom.
Yeah, right here.
- So, how's it going?
- Yeah, how's it going?
- Everything's fine.
- Yeah?
I bet you're really excited about
your trip to Haagen-Daagen.
- Ray.
- What?
I'm having a conversation.
I can't talk to my... wife's mother?
Pumpkin, can I interest you
in an aperitif?
Oh, that would be lovely.
Hey, Marie! Beer!
Get it yourself!
- Here you are, meine Liebchen.
- Oh, thank you, darling.
- Just the way I like it. Wunderbar!
- Mom.
- Mom, that's enough.
- What do you mean, dear?
It's enough, okay?
I know.
What? What's enough?
What do you know? What?
Nothing, Marie. It's private.
Private?
What do you mean "private"?
Hey, private.
You know what?
It's nothing, really. I don't know
what I'm talking about.
I'm sorry about that, Mom.
Okay! Let's all eat.
That sounds like a good idea, Debra.
Everything looks delicious.
- Good. Mom, you sit here. Dad, sit--
- No.
What?
- I don't want to do this anymore.
- Warren.
No, I don't have
anything to hide.
I'm tired of these pretensions.
I'm tired of this charade.
As it happens, we're not going
to Baden-Baden this week.
We're going to...
Piscataway.
Hey, that's funny sounding.
Lois and I are going for a week
of marriage counseling.
Well, it's not a full week.
- Can't we talk about something else?
- Yeah.
Robert,
has your stone passed?
I will never understand you.
I'm sorry, but it's not healthy
to go on pretending
that everything is fine
when it isn't.
- You want to put the turkey down?
- No.
Who are you
to talk about healthy
with your anal-retentive
behavior?
Why don't you tell everyone
about how you keep
your left socks in your left drawer
and right socks in your right drawer.
What's wrong with that?
Maybe Dr. Sheely
will have something to say
about all of your
pent up hostility.
- My hostility?
- That's right!
You ought to see
this woman in traffic.
- Curses like a stevedore!
- Not because of the traffic, Warren.
It's because of your
insane whistling!
This whistling
drowns out the profanity!
Well pucker up, Warren!
- Because here it comes!
- Okay, Mom, Dad.
- Please, just calm down!
- Why did you tell Debra about this?!
- I didn't tell Debra!
- Then how did she know?!
Ray heard you!
He was hiding in the garage!
I wasn't hiding.
All right,
I checked the oil, okay.
And it's a good thing I did,
because we were a quart low.
Well, wonderful!
Now everybody knows!
I hope you're happy, Warren!
Sweet bastard,
I'm getting happy!
Is everything all right, dear?
He is just impossible.
Go on.
- Mom? Are you--
- It's all right, dear. We're talking.
I am so tired of my opinion
counting for nothing!
Everything has to be his way!
I swear,
ever since he retired,
it's not like
I'm his wife anymore,
I'm his employee,
and it's all I can do
to keep from strangling him.
I feel so close to you.
Do you know
he makes me iron his jeans?
He insists that
they have a crease.
Atleasthecanwearjeans.
The last time
I got a pair for Frank,
it was from
the maternity jeans.
And I told him
they were just stretchy.
Oh my God.
Hey, your parents seem
to be doing okay. It's nice.
It's not nice.
My father just said,
"Holy crap."
What? You always wanted
our parents to get along.
Yeah, but I didn't want
my parents to convert.
- Look at them.
- You were right, Marie.
Debra could get this rug
a lot cleaner.
Oh, Frank, I got to tell you.
I overdid it this year.
You know what you need, pal?
A pair of my special
stretchy pants.