Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 5, Episode 5 - Pet Cemetery - full transcript

Ma, you're supposed
to help me.

Would you look
at these crumbs?

The way Debra
keeps this kitchen,

it's a miracle this place isn't
infested with hamsters.

He's not in the basement.

Dad, just so you know, we want
the hamster brought back alive.

That's up to him.

All right, I checked out
the entire top floor

and no sign
of Pumpernickel.

By the way, you shouldn't hide
valuables in your top drawer.

And you could use some
new underwear, Raymond.



I'll put it on the list, dear.

They're gonna
be back in an hour.

I'm gonna go
get a new hamster.

- You can't do that.
- Why not?

They all look alike.
She'll never know the difference.

You would lie
to your daughter like that?

I'm not gonna lie.
I'm just gonna say,

"Here's your hamster, honey."

I'm telling Ally.

- You just mind your business.
- You're not gonna find one

- that looks the same.
- Oh, yeah.

Where am I gonna find
a brown hamster?

I cannot be a party
to that lie.

You just keep your
mouth shut, Copper.



Don't tell me to shut up.

- How about I make you?
- How about I'm right over here?

- How about I come over there?
- Bring it on!

- I'll bring everything on.
- Stop it!

Be nice, boys.

All right now.
We all need a break.

Let's have a snack,

and maybe if Pumpernickel
hears us enjoying our food,

he'll join us.

He can have some of yours.
He's not getting any of mine.

- Dad.
- What?

I'm trying to move it.
Could you get up?

Give me a ride.

What is it, Ma, what?

Oh boy, there he is.

- Where?
- Right there.

What? All I see
is fudge pops.

Look at the hairy one
on the left.

What?

Holy crap.

What did you do?

What did I do?
What, you think I put him in?

I don't know how
he got in there.

Oh, he climbed into
an airtight freezer by himself?

I don't know how this
could have happened.

I cleaned out
the hamster cage,

and I must not have snapped
the cage back together tight enough.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Then I went grocery shopping.

Did you have
the groceries on the table?

He must have climbed
into the bag

that had the fudge pops.

Look, look at his whiskers.
They're all fudgy.

Ew!

His last meal.

Poor Pumpernickel.

Ally's gonna hate me.

- Hey, give me one of those.
- Will you get out of here?

Whoa whoa, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

- He may not be dead.
- What, are you kidding?

You could crack a walnut
with that thing.

No, I'm serious. He may be
cryogenically preserved

in a state of
suspended animation.

He's dead, all right?
I have to buy another one now.

Okay, look,
not necessarily, Ray.

We may be able
to resuscitate him.

Hey, let's toss him
in the microwave.

All right, that's it.
I'm taking over this operation.

Ma, get me some towels.
Dad, I need some ice. Raymond, a cooler.

We're evacuating
Pumpernickel to the vet.

Let's go. Move move
move move move.

Robert, the vet is not gonna
revive a hamster, okay?

These are disposable pets.

What about your daughter's feelings,
Ray? Are those disposable?

- All right.
- No, it's not all right!

I happen to care about a little girl
whose heart is gonna break

if she finds out that her daddy
didn't do everything he could

to save the life
of her precious hamster.

Now damn it, Raymond,
get me that cooler.

Hey, Ray, you forgot
to fill the ice trays.

Well, then we'll just
pack him with fudge pops.

- What about this box of fish sticks?
- Throw them in too.

When Debra comes home,
I'll show her how to cook a real fish.

Debra.

Frank.

Get up.

- Huh?
- Come on, this place is a mess.

You haven't done a thing.

Hey, leave me alone.
I'm taking a break.

What have you been doing?

I not only straightened
out the kitchen,

I scrubbed the countertops,
and I cleaned out the freezer.

And you celebrate
with a bottle of hooch?

Oh.

- Hey, we're home.
- Hi, Grandma. Hi, Grandpa.

- Hey, sweetheart.
- Frank.

Hi, sweetheart.
This isn't mine.

This is Mommy's.

- Marie, where's Ray?
- Raymond had to rush out,

but he should
be back soon.

Why does my living room
look like a frat house?

I didn't notice
any difference really.

- Hi, Daddy!
- Oh, hey hey.

Everybody, you're home. Hi.

Hey. Hi, how was your visit?
Oh boy, I missed you.

How's your father? He's got a knee...
What, he have a knee...

- oh, he got a new car.
- Ray. Ray...

What happened here?

- Oh, nothing. Why?
- What's that?

Oh, oh, we gave
Pumpernickel a ride

in Robert's police car.

Yeah yeah.
He liked it, too.

Rode the whole way
with his head out the window.

This isn't Pumpernickel.

Daddy, where's Pumpernickel?

Um...

um...

Pumpernickel sleeps
with the fish sticks.

You know, Ally,
it's my understanding

that freezing is a virtually
painless way to go.

- Unlike marriage, where the pain is...
- Frank!

Can I see Pumpernickel?

- Ally, you shouldn't.
- Sure, honey.

- You can go see him.
- What?

It's important for closure.

Closure.

Reading books again?

Why is he covered
in chocolate?

Some of the fudge pops
must have melted.

- Fudge pops?
- Gimme! Gimme!

- No no, get out of there!
- No, guys, stop that.

- That's not fudge.
- There's cookies in the kitchen.

- Go go go go go go.
- Come here, sweetheart.

The important thing
to know, Ally,

is that Pumpernickel
is in heaven.

- Not really.
- Frank.

Not real heaven,
not people heaven.

- There's only one heaven.
- For your information,

there's a whole separate
heaven for animals.

- And just where did you learn that?
- It's in the Bible.

- Like you read the Bible.
- I've read plenty of damn Bibles.

Do all animals go
to heaven or just pets?

All animals go
to people heaven with us, dear.

People heaven's
for people.

Your grandma's
been hitting the sauce.

All right.

Thank you.
Thanks for clearing that up.

Do some animals
go to hell?

We don't use
those words, Ally.

Bad animals
go to hell, kid.

Believe you me,
I know.

When I was your age,

there was this mean
old German shepherd named Elsa.

I was walking
to school one day

and I must have crossed
too close to her territory.

In those days, the Germans were
very sensitive about their territory.

Well, that's all it took

for Fraulein Elsa
the Nazi she-wolf

to jump out
and take a hunk out

of my all-American hide.

I still have the scar.

- You want to see it? I'll show you.
- No, Frank!

What are you doing?
Sit down.

All right!

The point is Fraulein Elsa's probably
in hell right now

dragging her Nazi butt
across the devil's carpet.

Thank you for that
heartwarming story.

Look, Ally, I'm very sorry
that this happened,

but now it's time to meet
your brand-new hamster.

- No, thanks.
- Oh, come on, look look.

He looks just like
the old Pumpernickel.

And the guy at
the store told me

that in a couple years,
he might fly.

Ray!

Ray, don't tell her that.

All right.

All right, so he won't...
he's not gonna fly.

But he did say
that he's magical.

- Ray.
- His personality!

- No, Dad.
- Oh, come on, Ally.

Just take a look.
He's a cute little replacement.

I don't want
a replacement, Daddy.

I think that's exactly what she needs...
a replacement daddy.

Could you go home, please?

And take these two
theologians with you.

You don't understand,
sweetie.

When a child's pet dies,

she has to go through
a grieving process

before she can
take on a new pet.

All right, you can read.
We get it.

Isn't it a little morbid
to make such a big deal out of this?

No, it's not morbid.
It's reality.

Oh, come on.
It's a hamster.

Just leave her alone,
and she'll get over it.

You know what I think
would be healthy for all the kids?

If we have sort of a formal
goodbye ceremony for Pumpernickel.

- Good idea, Deb.
- Ray can dig a hole in the backyard.

- I'm not digging a hole.
- You're digging a hole.

- I will get a shoebox.
- Okay, I'll put out the cold cuts.

Okay.

I'll get some beer.

All right,
let's put on a funeral.

Hey.

How's it going?

I'm digging through solid
rock in a rainstorm.

How do you think
it's going?

What are you, made of sugar?
It's barely drizzling.

Ah!

Careful, honey.

Why don't you dig this hole?
This is all your fault anyway.

You should have told me about
that broken piece on the hamster cage.

Hey, if you were
a little more involved,

you'd pick up
on these details.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Maybe I make this hole
a little bigger.

Oh, come on, Dad.

Again with the metal detector?
What are you doing?

Your mother's
birthday's coming up.

Yeah, well, there's nothing
here but dirt and rocks.

That's better than what
he got me last year.

All right, Ally, we'll put the box in,
and then I'll put the dirt on him.

Wait. I want everybody to say
something about Pumpernickel first.

Oh, that's good, yeah.

Then we'll all take
a handful of dirt and toss it in.

- What are you doing?
- That's what she wants.

It's raining, honey.

I think we should do this Ally's way.
You wanna get under my umbrella?

I'm wonderful right where
I am, thank you very much.

Daddy, would you
like to start?

Oh, I don't know.

Honey, why don't we let
Grandpa start? Go ahead.

Grandpa.

Dad, could you power
down for a second?

Huh?

Oh oh oh oh.

All right, all right.
Uh...

Pumpernickel...

liked the hamster,
love the bread.

Next.

Grandma.

Okay, dear.

Even though Pumpernickel
has gone from this earth,

I know he'll always
be looking down at us from heaven.

People heaven.

All right, go ahead,
Uncle Robert.

Death...

the final goodbye.

The ultimate toodle-oo.

Or maybe death
is not the end.

Maybe it's a beginning.

Perhaps, it's
the ultimate howdy-do.

Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?

What's the matter, Ray,
too deep for you?

Oh, God.

Go ahead, Robert.

You know, I have come
to the conclusion that

when I die, I would like
to die like Pumpernickel,

quietly, painlessly,

chocolate fudge pop stuck
to the corner of my mouth.

For that, my friends,
must be a happy death.

Aloha,

which means goodbye
and hello.

- All right.
- Same with shalom.

- Shut up. One meaning.
- All right, Ray.

Your turn, Mommy.

Okay, well,

I've always felt
very close to Pumpernickel,

especially since I did
a lot of the feeding and cleaning

and, you know,
most of the work.

So Pumpernickel's passing
is gonna leave a big hole in my life.

Can't imagine what
I'll do with the time.

So long, Pumpernickel.

- Michael.
- Ally, why don't we do

the twins as a set, okay?

- Ray... Ray, come under my umbrella.
- 'Cause it's raining.

Hey, no talking...
hamster funeral.

I'll miss you,
Pumpernickel.

- Jeffrey.
- I'll miss you too, Pumpernickel.

Now my turn.

I'll miss you too,
Pumpernickel.

You were my best friend,
and you still are.

Don't worry, Pumpernickel.

You'll always be with me,
'cause I'll never forget you.

Your turn, Daddy.

Uh...

um...

I didn't have much
contact with...

I didn't know
Pumpernickel very well.

The only thing
I remember is

when we brought him back
from the pet store,

and Ally wanted me
to hold him,

so I reached out
to grab him

and he bit me
on the finger.

And it hurt.

So Daddy said
a bad word.

But Ally picked up the...

Pumpernickel
and she showed me...

showed me how
to hold him.

Like this.

Right?

I never noticed
until just now

how grown-up you are.

The way you were
with your friend,

and what you said
just now,

you really...

really seem grown-up.

I'm proud of you.

Damn hamster!

Daddy?

Can we get
a rabbit tomorrow?

Yeah, guys,
whatever you want.

- Yeah!
- Cool! A rabbit! Whoo!

Yahoo! Yeah!

Rabbit.
That's a bigger hole.

You all laughed at me, huh?

Big waste of time, huh?

Huh?!

I think I'll buy
myself a Yoo-hoo.

There goes
my birthday present.