Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 5, Episode 3 - The Wallpaper - full transcript

Marie and Frank crash their car into Ray's house.

I just loved it
so much there.

Everybody got
along so well.

I just wish we could
hold onto that feeling

of just enjoying
every day.

How about we go upstairs
and enjoy the rest of today?

Okay.

You hear that?

Hey.

This is your father's fault.

What are you talking about?
I was saying stop.

I was stomping on the brakes,
but nothing happened.



Oh my God.

Our house.
Look at our house.

I know. I know.
Ma, what the hell?

He knew about the brakes.

What did the mechanic say
about the brakes? Tell them.

Ah!

Oh! Look at this!

The mechanic said
that the brakes were bad.

Of course he's gonna say that.
Every time I bring the car in

he says the brakes are bad.

Well, I think the brakes
are bad, Frank.

Okay, fine.

I'll have the brakes checked
when I get the taillight fixed.

The taillight?!



Frank!
Look at the house.

I saw it.

Look at this, this drywall,
it's like paper.

Probably foreign-made.

On the other hand,
say what you want

about American cars...

Beats a house.

What? They drive
into the house?

Yeah. Yeah.

- What happened?
- Grandma and Grandpa stopped by.

- Robert, what do we do?
- I'll fill out a report.

You should call
your insurance companies.

Oh, here we go.

Why the hell did
I let you drive?

Because you can't
see anymore.

I can see a house!

- Oh my God.
- Look, don't worry, Deb.

I'm sure that Dad's car
insurance will cover this.

I'm not sure it's current.

What?
We never go anywhere.

I can't believe this!

Do you guys have
homeowners' insurance?

Okay, our insurance, good.
Right.

Okay, where did
I put that?

Hopefully it's not
over there.

Hey! Hey, dog!
Get out of here, dog!

- Go away!
- Oh, look at him! Look at him!

- Can we keep him?
- No, sweetie, no.

We never get anything!

Ally...

we can't keep a dog.
He'll just run away.

Okay, just, come on.

Get him out.
Go out the back.

You shouldn't them take
the dog through the kitchen.

He'll make
a mess in there.

Okay, good,
looks like we're covered.

Oh, wonderful.

You'll just have
to pay the deductible.

1,000 bucks!

Stinkin' crooks.

All right,
here's what you do.

You get your contractor
to add an extra grand to the bill.

Then when your insurance company
cuts you your check, I get it back.

All right, Dad,
I don't want to hear this.

Hey, Dudley Do-Right,
wake up!

This is the way
the world works.

It's built into
the insurance system.

Oh, yeah? Well, it's also built
into the criminal justice system.

Category: Fraud.

Nerd!

- Nerd?
- Nerd!

Calling me a nerd? You drive
into the house and now I'm a nerd?

- Ray, do something.
- What?

Tell your father we're
doing this the right way.

Hey, me not having to pay
anything is the right way.

Oh, holy crap!

Look at this scratch!

Okay, see,
here's the thing:

When a person
drives their car

into someone's home,

I think that person
should be sympathetic

and apologetic

and try to help the person
whose home has been demolished

try to make it better!

Hey, I'm trying,
but you won't listen.

I won't listen?!

I must say, Debra, that tone
doesn't help the situation.

My tone?! My tone!

You just drove a car
into my house!

I told the kids to leave
the back door open

so you get that nice
cross-ventilation going.

Okay, Ray, what are we gonna do?
Will you talk to them?

- You talk to them.
- What do I say?

What do you say?
Aren't you upset about this?

Watch this, he's gonna
take her side now.

Would you
say something?!

One thing I will say
about your father is that

he's very good
with insurance matters.

I mean, over the years,
we've had our share of incidents

and we've always
done very well.

It's true.

It is true. I have seen
some incredible things.

Frank, you're gonna pay
for this, that's all there is to it.

- Yeah yeah yeah.
- No, Frank,

you're paying the deductible.
That's how it's gonna be.

Oh, really?

Why are you
just standing there?

What am I supposed to do?

Oh, all right, thanks.

Frank, I want a check
for $1,000 by tomorrow.

- Don't hold your breath.
- Frank...

I'm not kidding.

Fine! Fine!

I'll pay
the damn deductible!

Apparently, all you people
care about is money!

I'll see you
at home, Marie.

Wait, Frank, wait!

I need to go to
the supermarket!

What do you think?

Yep, definitely
better with a wall.

Yeah.

But I mean, don't you think
they did a great job?

- Yeah, it looks great.
- Yeah,

your father's
check didn't bounce.

See? It all worked out.
You didn't have to get so upset.

- I'm just happy it's finished.
- Yeah, me too.

You know why?
'Cause now that the wall is here,

nobody can
see me do this.

Wait a minute.
What's up with the stripes?

No, they're okay.
They're okay.

No no, look, these...
these stripes, are they...

are they the same as these?
These look like thinner stripes.

Yeah, I know, but it's close enough.
You can't even tell.

Hmm, yeah, okay.

No, I can tell.
I can tell.

I can tell.
Look at the old wall.

These... these
thin stripes,

they're thicker.
It's not the same.

It's not the same wallpaper.
What's going on?

Nothing, the painter told me that
they don't make our wallpaper anymore.

And to reprint this one would have
been really expensive.

Yeah, but this isn't
the same.

But Ray, we would've
had to pay more.

No, we wouldn't have.

My father would've
had to pay more.

No, we can't blame this
on your father.

I told the wallpaper guy
that this was okay.

Well, why did you do that?

Because I didn't want to deal
with your parents anymore.

So my father gets away with it
and you're okay with that.

Yeah, I'm okay
with this.

I wasn't okay when they drove
the car through the house,

but you have
to pick your battles.

- This wallpaper's incorrect.
- All right, look...

stand three feet back,
you can hardly tell.

But maybe I don't want
to stand three feet back.

Maybe I want to stand right here
and look at my wallpaper.

You know?

I mean, look,
here's wallpaper,

and here is different
wallpaper!

What world am I in?!

God, Ray!
Calm down.

I will not calm down.
We live in a funhouse here.

Cars are comin' in
and wild dogs wandering around

and crazy wallpaper!

Why are you getting
so upset about this now?

- My father's paying for it!
- No, Ray, Ray...

No! No! Don't you get it? Somebody
has to go over there and tell him

or they're gonna just keep
backing into the house.

- We can get used to the wallpaper.
- No! No!

They're gonna know I mean business
'cause business is what I mean!

Are you insane?
You're not going over there.

- You're gonna have a heart attack.
- I don't care!

How come you didn't get this upset when
they drove the car through the house?

Why are you siding
with them?

I'm not siding with them!
I'm worried about you.

Don't worry about me, sister-girl,
'cause my eyes are open

- for the first time.
- You're not going.

- The hell I'm not! They have to know!
- I'll go over there.

- No!
- No, Ray, let me go!

Okay, I'll handle them.
I'll handle them.

- I got the wall up, didn't I?
- Yeah, look at it.

Hello, dear.
Hi, Raymond.

I missed you, Raymond.

I wanted to call,
I wanted to come over,

but you know
your father's impossible.

I'm not here.

I just want to see
the wall I bought.

Oh, good.

Good, 'cause we wanted
to show it to you.

Oh, good, I'd like
to see it too.

I can't believe the money
these humps get to do this.

Go go go.

And that's actually funny,

because it turns out that

the new wallpaper
doesn't exactly match.

So, it might cost
more money to fix it.

Cost who more?

Um, we were thinking...

you.

What are you talking about?

I'm not going to pay anything.
The wallpaper's fine.

I want it the same!

Do you hear me?! Exactly!
Exactly the same!

And I mean exactly the same!

- You can only push a man so far!
- It's not that big of a deal.

- Calm down.
- Traitor!

You can never talk to me
about my parents again,

because in this case,
you are the backer-downer!

This wallpaper looks
just like the other wallpaper.

But it's not, Mom.
It's not, okay?

Here, come on, let's see.
Come over here and look.

See? Over here,
thick, normal stripes.

Now look over here. Thin, weird,
disgusting stripes, okay?

All right. I'm not
gonna live like this.

So, I think you
and your husband

should listen very
carefully, all right?

You are going to have to pay
the difference. You understand?

Suck rope, pal.

That's it,
get outta the house.

- Raymond!
- Get out. Get out.

Here, the both of you.
Take your damn cannolis with you.

- Oh, Raymond!
- Out! Out!

This is how
you talk to a father?

- And her?
- Yeah.

Start walkin', all right?
'Cause I've had it.

Ray, they didn't even
know about the wallpaper.

I don't care, all right?
It's over. Good day.

- Raymond...
- I said good day.

Let's go, Marie!

One less funeral
we gotta go to!

Frank, we're
older than them.

Fine! Then don't
come to my funeral!

I'm coming.
I'm coming.

I'll be the one
doing this... yeah.

- Go! Get out!
- Stop this!

- Why?
- No!

Hi.

Is this about me?

Don't come
to my funeral!

But there are so few things
I'm looking forward to.

All right,
what's going on?

Your brother's
throwing us out.

- And you're really going?
- Yep!

Yeah, it's a new day.
Get out!

- Stop, we're not doing this,
- What are you talking about?

- This is what you always wanted.
- I never wanted this.

This is terrible. Everybody come on in.
Come on in and sit down.

- What are you doing?
- I'm getting the car!

No, Frank!

Sit down. Everybody sit down.
Marie, you too.

I'm not sure I want
to sit down.

I'm not sure
I'm welcome in this house.

- Oh, yeah, you're picking up on that?
- All right, Ray!

- Sit down!
- No! What are you doing?

- Sit!
- I can't throw 'em out

- if they're sitting.
- All right. Sit down!

Hey, the wall looks good.

No, it doesn't!
Can't you see?

- Look at the stripes, you idiot!
- Ray, that's enough.

Okay, listen,

this is really not
about the wallpaper stripes.

- Yes, it is!
- No, Ray...

- I don't have the right to be angry?!
- Yes, honey,

everybody has
the right to be angry.

But, let's try
something, okay?

Maybe it would help us

for now
and in the future,

for you to tell us

in a calm
and adult manner

why you're really upset.

Once and for all,
Ray, tell them why.

It's the wallpaper.

It's the wallpaper.
The stripes are too thin

and they were just gonna let
it go like it doesn't matter.

He doesn't like his wallpaper.

No no, the wallpaper
was the last straw!

Good! Good! See?
There's the problem.

You just said last straw,

which means there's been
a lot of other straws.

A lot of straws.
There's a lot of straws.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, so...

but you've just been
keeping it all bottled up inside.

Until just now when you went
bananas about wallpaper.

Very unhealthy, cubby.

Right, right.
So, hey, you know what?

Let's use this event

as an opportunity
for all of us to learn

how to... how
to talk things out.

You know, so we don't
let our feelings

get bottled up inside to the point
where they explode.

You're absolutely right.

Frank, you're driving
everybody crazy.

- It's you too.
- What?

What did I ever do?

You're intrusive.

Interesting.

How am I intrusive?

Well, for example,

there was that time

you drove a car
through the wall.

One time.

Okay, so it's not always
the car, but... but...

it's always... you.

You just... you never stop.
You're always barging in here.

- I do not barge in.
- You do!

- You do, you barge in here.
- Wait, let's try to use nice words.

You're always...

coming over.

- Sticking your...
- Nice!

And staying...

a long time.

Well, why don't
you just say something?

I want to say something.

But sometimes, I get the feeling
that you don't listen.

And then
you do something

like rear-end our couch.

And I want to say
something then too,

but I know that
you're not gonna listen.

And Dad is not
gonna wanna pay.

And I know Debra's gonna get mad
at me because I didn't say anything.

But you have to know that I'm
always this close to saying something.

This close.

And there it is.

So that's what
happened today.

Wow, Ray.

That was really good.

Oh, honey,

- I understand.
- Good.

Good, see?
Now, this is progress.

Yes, and Raymond, dear,

you just have to let us know
when you want something, that's all.

Yeah, we're not
mind-readers.

And that way you never
have to shout at us.

Because that really
is unpleasant.

- Sorry about the shouting.
- Okay.

That's right, pal.

No shouting.

- I got it.
- Good, okay, so good.

- What did we learn here today?
- He shouldn't shout.

Yes.

But also that we
should learn

to respect
each other and...

be considerate
of each other. Right?

- I guess so.
- Yes.

Oh, good.

Isn't this nice?

You know, if I may,
I have some issues that...

That's enough talk,
Robby.

Have a cannoli,
Raymond.

Hey, here's the Italy tape.
Is Stefania on here?

- Hey, put it in.
- You know what?

You're welcome to borrow that
if you want to watch it at your house.

No, it'd be such fun
to watch it all together.

Look, there's
the gelato place.

I'm thirsty.
Hey, sweetie,

- how about some iced tea?
- That would be lovely.

Okay, I'll get it.

Ray, could I see you,
please?

They are clueless,
absolutely clueless.

I... I mean, I don't
know what else to do!

It's okay, we talked
it out, it'll be fine.

They'll watch the tape
and then they'll go.

Iced tea!

So are you gonna
get that for them?

'Cause I could
use one too.