Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 5, Episode 24 - Frank Paints the House - full transcript

Frank, Ray, and Robert paint Ray's house. And Robert and Ray find out something new about their father.

No, come on. It's Saturday.
They're downstairs watching cartoons.

- But what if they come up.
- No no, they're in the zone, okay?

We're safe as long
as there's electricity.

What, is that it?
Are we done?

Something hit the wall.

- Jeez, you scared the crap out of me!
- What the...

what the hell
are you doing?!

I'm painting your house.
What's it look like?

Looks like... we have the world's
ugliest shutters.


Frank, we were going
to hire painters to do that.

So, you can
thank me later.

I like fine chocolates.

Dad, please,
get down from there, okay?

We're... we're trying to...
sleep here.

Oh, sure, yeah.
I got you.

A little Saturday morning
wake me up?

Just close the window.
I won't listen.

You know, I'm not worried
about the listening.

It's the heckling.

Ma, why is Dad
painting the house?

Oh, that's my gift to you.


You two always talk
about having your house painted...

so, I put your father
on the job.

But, Marie, we were going
to hire professionals.

Oh, but Frank
is very good.

He did a nice job
on our house...

and he likes the fumes.

Well, yes, he did do a nice job
on your house and...

I would hate to kill
anyone's buzz, but...

Yeah, but we were kind of thinking

that we would be the ones
to make that decision,

'cause it is
kind of our house.

Yes, but we're the ones
who have to look at it.

All right, I'm going to use this
french toast to lure him off the ladder.

Okay okay okay.
Just let your father do this.

I need him
out of my house.

Ever since he's retired,
he's around all the time.

Yeah, but that's what happens
when you retire.

I know, but I never thought
he'd live this long.

Come on, Ma, look.

That's not our problem,
all right?

You've had 40 years
to poison him.

Okay. Fine.
Raymond, please...

I need space.
I need a little time to myself.

I don't want him around
when I'm trying to do things.

- Do what things?
- When I'm trying to improve myself.

This doesn't just happen.

I practice my languages,
I have my opera,

and I'm starting yoga.


Is that so strange?

- Yes.
- Hey.

- What are you doing?
- Painting your house.

Oh, come on!
You too?

Ma said we had to.

So, you do everything
Ma tells you?

It's a little late
for rebellion, Raymond.

Come on, look.
I don't need both you guys

hanging off my house, okay?

So go back in your truck,
ring a bell and sell some fudge pops.

All right, wait.
Wait wait wait wait a minute, Ray.

You know, that was
very sweet of you to help.

Thanks a lot, Robert.

- Wha... now you want him to?
- Well, I mean,

Robert's offered, your dad's
already started scraping, so I say fine.

- Well, come on, you don't want them...
- Hey hey hey,

I've been asking you
to get on this for months.

All right, fine, go!

You want to paint the house?
Go. Paint the house.

You know what? Maybe all three of you
can paint it together?

- Wouldn't that be nice?
- No.

No, look,
it's Saturday,

and I got a lot of Saturday things
planned, okay?

Hey, Bugs Bunny!

Oh, what is this?

Duck season/rabbit season?

Oh, look out, look out.


- Raymond?
- What?

So you're fine with them
painting your house?

It's Saturday.

All right!
Sorry, kids.

Guess Daddy isn't going to be able
to spend any more quality time with you.

Hey, what do you got?

They're finally making
Popsicles in your size?

Would you stop?

I can't take the old man anymore.
He's driving me nuts.

Ordering me around
like a monkey.

Calling me
every name in the book...

Nancy, powder puff,
princess... monkey.

So? I'm getting dopey,

idiot, moron.

At least yours
make sense.

- Well, best of luck.
- Oh no. No no no!

Come on, you're not
leaving me here with him!

You knew what it was
going to be like working with Dad.

I had him too, Raymond.

He was up on the ladder.

Would have looked
like an accident.

Hey! What's with all this
standing around?!

You two working
for the government?!


Well, I hate to break up this meeting
of the Camp Fire Girls,

but let's get to work!

Chop! Chop!

- We're working, Dad.
- Oh yeah?

Are you finished caulking,
Lady Chatterley?

That is a good one.

Why aren't you done

There's a wasps' nest
by the down spout.

So, you take a stick
and knock it down.

They're wasps.
They don't like that.

Oh, well here's
what you do...

if they come at you,

you pull your skirt
over your head and run.

All right.

Hey, Dad. He doesn't have to caulk by
the down spout. It's not that important.

It's important
if I say it's important.

Okay, but this is my house.

This is my job!

People see me
working out here.

They're going to know
that Frank Barone did this job,

so it's going
to get done right!

Why are you still here?

I... I don't think...

Hey, hey, it's just
a couple of bugs.

Knock it down
with something...

A stick, a broom!

Your pinky!
I don't care!

Get up there
and knock out that nest!

All right!

And what about you? Are you going
to scrape that paint or do a dance?

I'm scraping.

Whoa, wait a minute, Dad.

You got the wrong color.
Debra wanted white.

This is close.

It's not close,
it's yellow.

She wants white.
She said Chantilly Lace.

Well this is
Lemon Meringue.

Well, why did you
get yellow?

Because yellow is better.

Yeah, but Debra likes white.

Well I don't care what Debra likes,
and I don't care what you like!

It's yellow, okay?!

And we're doing it yellow!

Ah! Hose!

Get the hose!

Big baby.

Listen, Dad,
I got to tell you.

It's not only Debra, okay?
I want Chantilly Lace too.

Dad, do you hear
what I'm saying?!

Don't paint
my house yellow. Dad!

Don't you open
that paint can!

Dad, you're not
listening to me.

Dad, don't you
stir that paint.

If you stir that paint...

Okay, you're just going
to have to return stirred paint now.

And now that the can's open,

you're going to have
to pay for it, okay?

'Cause I'm sure as hell not paying
for no Lemon Meringue. You hear me?

I'm... oh no you don't!

Don't you go near that!

You hear me, Dad?!
Don't you... don't you dip that brush!

You do not dip
that brush.

I'm warning you.
Dad, don't...

Oh, Dad, if I see paint
on that brush,

Okay, that's yellow.

That's yellow. Dad, don't you paint
my house yellow!

Do you hear me, Dad?!

Dad, I'm warning you!

- Okay, all right. That's it.
- Hey!

- That's it, go home.
- Excuse me?!

Look, if you're not going
to do what I want,

- then go home.
- You don't tell me what to do.

I do when it's my house! And it's my house
and I'm the boss, okay?

- So you're fired.
- I'm fired?!

Okay, I'm all right now.

Hey, get a load of this, Robert.
Raymond says I'm fired!

That's right, you're fired!

You fired him?

You want to fire me?

- You can't fire me!
- Look, Dad,

I'm not a kid anymore, okay?
I don't like the way you treat me

and I don't like the way
you treat the help either, so that's it.


Paint your own damn house.

- Wow.
- That's right.

Now I'm in charge of this now.

Okay, and the first thing
we're going to do...


- Yeah, but it's only 9:30...
- Lunch!

Hey, you can't come in
like that, you're soaking wet.

Here I thought it'd be so nice,
all the Barone men working together.

No one works with Dad,
you work for him.

'Cause nobody can do
anything right except him.

- Yeah, remember the fort?
- That's right.

Robert and I were building a fort
in our backyard...

nothing fancy,
just this little fort.

Yeah, just a place we could read
our comic books and...

other periodicals.


And we were having fun too, building
the fort all by ourselves, right?

Till Dad came home and told us
we were doing it all wrong.

Yeah. Didn't show us
how to do it right,

just called us stupid, stinking humps
and did it himself.

That's why when you get mad that I'm not
the handiest guy around here,

you know, it brings up
a lot of stuff.

I'm sorry.

So it has nothing to do
with you being lazy

and watching TV
all the time?

That's how
I cover the hurt.

- Hi, Marie.
- Hello, dear.

Hiya, Ma.

- What are you doing?!
- This is how

you watch out for your father?
- What did I do?!

- You made him carry ladders around!
- He didn't carry ladders.

- Then how did he wrench his back?
- What?!

He wrenched his back
carrying ladders.

Now he's lying on my couch
demanding soup.

And don't tell him
I told you about this.

He didn't want me
to make a big deal out of it.

- So why are you over here?
- I don't listen to him.

His back is fine, Ma.
I sent him home.

- I don't understand.
- He was being a big jerk,

so I fired him.

What do you mean
you fired him?

You fired your father?

Had to be done, Ma.

How could you
do that to him?!

What do you mean him?
What about what he does to us?

We're not talking
about that! Oh...

I so... oh God.

All right...

there's something about your father
you don't know.

He wears your things?

What is it, Marie?

Your father never retired
from Pelk Accounting.

What are you
talking about?

If he's not retired,
why does he

buy his pants
at the pharmacy?

He told me he retired,

but I found out the truth.

They fired him.


- Why?
- Why?

I have to tell you?

Why did you fire him?

Your father believes that his way
of doing things is the only way.

And after 25 years,
it starts to get on people's nerves.

So Frank never told you
he was fired?

How could he?

You don't understand, Debra.

In my generation,

the men had their jobs
and that's who they were.

Oh, it must have been
so humiliating for Frank

to have that little Alvin Pelk
fire him from his job.

And now you boys just did
the same thing to him!

It was Raymond.

Hey... no.

Come on, look. This isn't
the same thing, okay?

This wasn't his career,
this was my house.

- What else does he have?!
- Your house.

He did that already!

Look, Ma, I think you're overreacting,
okay? This wasn't that big of deal!

It was a big enough deal
for him to make up a story

to me about hurting his back.

You're his son. How do you think
that made him feel?

- I hope you're happy, Raymond.
- Oh... shut up!

And why should I worry
about his feelings?

He doesn't care
about anybody else's.

You don't think
he cares about you?

He's your father.
He just isn't good at...

Living among humans.

You know, I think you're the only one
who thinks you're funny.

Amen to that.

- Come on, come on. Go over there...
- No no no, Ma.

Look, I'm sorry
about his whole life, okay?

But he was
completely wrong here.

He wanted to paint
my house yellow!

- Yellow?
- Yeah, you believe that?


Actually, yellow would
be kind of nice.

- What?
- Well, I like yellow.

Look, you said
Chantilly Lace.

I heard you say
Chantilly Lace!

I fought for your damn
Chantilly Lace,

and now you're
saying yellow?!

Who are you?!

What? Yellow just never
occurred to me.

But, you know,
it's actually kind of sunny.

You hear this, okay?
This is marriage.

This is what you want?
This is what you can't live without?

Step aside.

Raymond, go talk
to your father.

- No no!
- You know, you should.

Oh, excuse me.
Who's speaking?

Is that white Debra
or yellow Debra?

You know, you really should. I know your
father can be a real jerk sometimes.

Right, no one
is arguing that.

He's a bully, he's obstinate

and he doesn't
bathe every day.

But I know that man
and I know he needs one thing.

He needs to be needed.

Do with that what you will.

He's your father.

- Hey.
- Hey.


I'm sorry about before.

Okay, so...

come back over

and we'll do it yellow.
Yellow's okay. I talked Debra into it.



What do you mean no?

I mean
I'm not interested.

I'm kind of busy
right now.


right, I see you got soup.

And a puzzle.

Well, it doesn't have to be right now.
Whenever you feel like it.

What, you're eating out of a pot
'cause you don't like to clean a bowl?

No, it's better this way.


Hey, that's a keen eye
you got there.

"The Death of General
Stonewall Jackson".

You like this one?

Very interesting figure
in history.

Considered the Confederacy's
finest general.

Shot by one
of his own men.

All right, will you stop?

God, I can't believe
I invited you back.

I can't believe
I apologized to you even.

Well you should apologize
to me, I was right!

How are you right?
How are you right?!

It's my house and you wanted
to paint it yellow! How is that right?

Because yellow
covers better!

It won't fade as fast!

And you got white houses
on either side of you!

It makes your house
pop a little!

And it goes with your trim and
the frigging little daisies you got!

Well, why didn't you
just say that?

- I shouldn't have to say it!
- What?

Because if I say it's yellow,
that should be good enough for you!

I shouldn't have
to explain everything!

I'm right!

Okay, you're right,
but it's not always about being right.

Yes, it is!
Being right is all that matters.

Everything else is crap!

"Oh, you have to consider
people's feelings."

"Oh, what if they
don't like you?"

They should like me
because I did the job right!

Yeah, that makes perfect sense
if you work in a lighthouse!

Exactly. I'd be fine
if it weren't for people!

Oh, it's those damn people!
Well, you're forgetting one thing...

me and Robert
are people too!

So what, are the two of you going
to paint the house now by yourselves?


If you want me to help you,
I'll help you.


But if you're
asking for my help,

we got to do it my way,
because it's the right way.

All right.

- With the yellow.
- I said with the yellow.

And nobody tells me
what to do.

I get to be in charge,

I get to be the boss,
all right?

All right, Dad,
you're the boss.

- I'm the boss?
- Yes.

You're fired.

How come Robert gets to use
the power painter?

You know, I want to use
the power painter too.

Learn how to handle
the brush first.

I know how
to handle a brush.

Are you questioning me?




That's going to need
another coat.