Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 5, Episode 23 - Separation - full transcript
Debra finds it hard to handle her parents' divorce.
Hey hey,
we don't have to have
this cowboy party
on Saturday.
I'll get my scissors and cut your
birthday right out of the calendar.
Oh, come on!
Maybe this is
a bourbon salesman.
- Mom, hi. Oh my gosh.
- Hi.
You know, you're early.
The birthday party's not for two days.
No, I know. I came today
because I wanted to talk to you.
- But why didn't you call?
- Your father and I have separated.
Hello, Lois.
- Hi, Marie.
- I saw you drive up.
Was I given the wrong day
for the party?
What?
What's going on?
Did I miss something?
- I think I missed something.
- It's okay.
- We'll see you later, okay, Marie?
- I think I missed something.
If anybody needs to talk to me,
I'm just right across the street.
I have marble cake!
What are you
talking about?
What do you mean
you've separated?
Well, I don't suppose
it's any secret
that your father and I
have had our problems.
We even tried that marriage counseling
thing in New Jersey.
One week of counseling and this is
what you come up with?
This is how
you work things out?
Oh, honey, this can't be
a complete surprise.
You know we were never
truly compatible
and New Jersey actually
made us see that.
Oh, yeah, that's right,
New Jersey,
"The Just Give Up State."
Well, it was 41 years,
so you can't say we didn't
give it a shot.
Now please,
don't be upset,
because I'm not, really.
I feel wonderful
and free.
You're unbelievable.
And what about Dad?
Well, he's fine too,
and we'll stay close.
We'll probably be
better friends than before.
And you know Pat and Cyril
went through this,
and they're much
happier now.
They share custody
of the dogs.
This is just like you,
you know?
Your hip
and trendy lifestyle.
It's chic to get separated now,
so that's what you do
instead of putting
any effort into...
Come on, Debra,
now that's not fair.
It's been nothing but effort,
and I have tried.
You have never tried
anything for longer
than it was
on a magazine cover.
Marie.
Hello?
Hiya, Lois.
I was looking
for Marie.
Oh, yeah? For me,
just the opposite.
Juice?
No, thank you.
Would you mind if I
just hung out here for a bit?
Nothing's going on.
What are you?
Put on some clothes
with company in the house.
What company?
She's family.
Hey, there's nothing here
she ain't seen on Warren.
Am I wrong?
Hey, where is Warren?
Abu Dhabi or something?
Could be.
That's why
I came over.
I want
to tell you that
Warren and I
are splitting up.
I'll put pants on.
Oh.
You poor dear.
No no, it's okay,
Marie.
It's okay.
He's leaving you.
No, it's completely
mutual.
We're both
quite happy, honestly.
You don't have to
pretend with me.
You can tell me
all the awful details.
Please.
No, not those pants.
They go to Goodwill.
Hey, I love these pants.
Who the hell are you
to give 'em to Goodwill?!
There are holes in the seat!
You've worn through them!
Then you can't give 'em to Goodwill!
That's bad will!
There are other pants in the dryer.
Put on one of those.
No! These are the pants!
No, you are not wearing
those pants, Frank!
- You're just like an animal!
- Animals don't even like pants!
- You did that on purpose!
- I did not!
You're the animal!
Go on, dear.
Hey! Cheese doodle.
I ordered a moon bounce
for the kids party Saturday.
It's a corral.
Goes with your whole cowboy theme.
They said you gotta be
under 80 pounds to jump in there,
but screw that guy.
I'm going in.
Listen, Ray.
- What?
- I have to tell you something.
Yeah.
It's pretty big.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
My parents
have separated.
They're on the path
to divorce.
- You laugh? You laugh?!
- No no no no. No!
It's one of those
moments, you know?
It's too serious
or something.
I wasn't ready
for it.
This is terrible.
No, all right, st...
There's nothing
funny here.
This is awful.
You know what it is.
It's just... it's the way
that you said it.
"They're on the path
to divorce."
I'm not smiling. I didn't smile.
I'm not smiling.
You know what it is?
It's the image I have.
I picture that there was
a path in the forest
with, like, one of those wooden signs.
"Divorce this way" and...
I don't know. What?
- Like "Three little pigs
this way."
And then your face
when you said it,
it was just a little serious.
That's all.
No!
I think I had too much
fun at work today.
You know what happened?
The door to the vending machine,
it was broken, see?
Free candy.
These are my favorites.
Twix.
Hey.
Hungry?
You know,
if you're interested,
I got a little candy
left upstairs.
It's okay,
I got my candy.
What happened
to your parents?
Why, you want
another good laugh?
I didn't laugh.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Come on, I'm sorry
about your parents.
It's very bad.
I'm sorry.
We have to talk about this.
I wanna talk
about this with you.
Come on, we have to
discuss this.
So, your parents,
boy...
- Go ahead.
- Well, I don't...
what do you say?
I'm sorry.
But, I mean,
I have to say this.
I think everybody could have seen
this coming, right?
I mean, remember Thanksgiving,
how they yelled?
It was terrible.
I had a hard time finishing my pie.
I know they had
problems, Ray.
Then why are you
so surprised?
Because they're my parents!
They're splitting up!
What I can't believe is that
they're the ones getting a divorce.
It should be your parents.
Well.
I don't think that's
a particularly nice thing to say.
- I'm sorry.
- I think someone's awfully competitive.
All right,
I'm sorry, Ray.
No, that's fine.
Say what you want about my parents.
You usually do.
But I will say this.
Maybe, maybe your parents
are splitting up
because they kept
everything inside for so long
that they finally
just exploded.
Like when you put a pudding cup
in the microwave.
Which was not me,
by the way.
So this doesn't
worry you?
- What?
- What about us.
- What do you mean?
- What if we're headed that way?
I keep a lot
of stuff inside, too.
No, you don't.
I drop a sock
on the floor,
you scream like
a horror movie.
There's plenty more I keep inside,
believe me.
There can't be
a lot left in there.
I hate my mother.
No, you don't. How do you know
this is your mother's fault?
It's her fault.
She's so...
Why is she doing this?
I mean, my parents
being together...
I mean, I have counted
on that my whole life.
Through school
and college
and then struggling
after college,
you know, when I didn't
know what I was doing
or where I was going,
at least I had...
Their marriage
was like a rock,
the one solid rock
for me.
Well...
maybe it was more
like a stone, okay?
And now it has passed.
- That's enough. That's just enough.
- What did I do?
You can't have
a real conversation.
- You gotta be funny. Idiot.
- It wasn't that funny!
Hey, no, come on, look, I'm trying
to be understanding here, okay?
I'm not the one who said "idiot,"
all right?
But I'm willing to overlook it
because I understand.
You're the child
of a broken home.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Ally's kerchief tore.
Yeah.
Well, she needs
another one to go
with her
cowgirl ensemble.
Okay, I'll get it.
Debra, wait.
What?
I don't know.
I was just hoping that maybe
you could have tried to come
to terms with the situation
- over the last couple of days.
- No, I'm fine, Mom,
but thanks for the couple of days
to come to terms with it.
I gotta get
that kerchief.
Leave me alone!
Come on!
We said it before.
I'm the bad guy.
You said that.
I did not agree to that.
Well, there can't
be two bad guys, okay?
- That doesn't make sense.
- Look, I wanna be the bad guy, okay?
I'm always a good guy.
I'm a cop.
It's monotonous.
Listen,
I bought the mustache.
Yeah, well, it's my kid's party, okay?
They all hate the good guy.
So you could use
a little hate.
You know what?
Aah!
It's Rotten Raymond!
He's so funny.
Yeah, he's a pip.
Listen, I was sorry to hear
about you and Warren.
Thank you.
I've been there.
That's right.
What was your wife's
name again?
Joanne. She was actually
quite horrible.
Right, I remember.
Just so you know,
it gets better as time passes.
You know?
Thank you, Robert.
Actually, we're pretty
okay with it now.
Yeah, so was Joanne.
She had a party.
- Oh?
- At her old strip club.
All her friends
were there...
Satin, Bubbles,
Lick-Lick.
People make mistakes.
I would say she's the one
that made the mistake.
Thank you.
Oh, listen.
- No, I was just trying to be consoling.
- Good luck to you.
- No, I didn't mean...
- Good luck to you!
I'm sorry.
He really is crazy.
Damn it! Stupid damn
friggin' thing.
Debra.
Your mom said
you were up here.
Hi, Dad.
I can't find a kerchief.
What are you doing here?
Well, the invitation said
"Round 'em up birthday party."
It promised a "rootin' tootin' time."
I'm so sorry, Dad.
Yeah, me, too.
Sorry she's
doing this to you.
- What do you mean?
- I know how she is.
Here, sit down.
This is not
your mother's fault.
- Don't you defend her.
- Listen to me.
We have both been unhappy
- for some time now. You know that.
- All right,
but you're the one
who at least tries to make an effort,
like wanting to go
to that marriage counseling.
Can I tell you something? I never really
wanted to go to New Jersey.
You want to know
why I picked that place?
Because I was
looking forward
to how much your Mother
would hate it.
Well, she loved it,
and I was the one bored
out of my freakin' skull.
Those workshops...
"Polishing your
soul mate's soul."
So...
You really mustn't blame
your mother, honey.
I'm the one who actually
said it was over.
I don't believe it.
- It's true.
- And what did she say?
Well, she knew.
We both knew.
Don't cry, honey.
I can't help it.
I mean, why the hell
do you take vows
if they don't mean
anything?
We meant it then.
We meant it
when you were kids.
But when your sister and then you
went off to college,
it kept getting harder.
Well, what about all the kissing,
the traveling together
and the Pookums 1 and 2
license plates?
What was that?
I know. I know.
I guess, by the end,
most of that was
just... a show.
And we had enough.
We both had enough.
It's not like
Ray's parents.
What?
They seem
to have the secret.
What?
They know how
to do it.
It's not a facade
for them.
But they're maniacs.
Yes, but they're honest
with each other.
Everything's out
in the open with them.
"Eggs, Marie,
and hold the chatter."
I love that.
I'll tell you,
they're the ones
who oughta be
giving the seminar.
Howdy.
Would you take
that off, please?
Yes, Ma'am.
Feeling any better?
I guess.
Sorry about your parents.
I know.
But you know...
that's not us.
'Cause I...
I think we kinda get
everything out in the open.
Tighter.
Tighter.
You want me
to put on the mustache?
we don't have to have
this cowboy party
on Saturday.
I'll get my scissors and cut your
birthday right out of the calendar.
Oh, come on!
Maybe this is
a bourbon salesman.
- Mom, hi. Oh my gosh.
- Hi.
You know, you're early.
The birthday party's not for two days.
No, I know. I came today
because I wanted to talk to you.
- But why didn't you call?
- Your father and I have separated.
Hello, Lois.
- Hi, Marie.
- I saw you drive up.
Was I given the wrong day
for the party?
What?
What's going on?
Did I miss something?
- I think I missed something.
- It's okay.
- We'll see you later, okay, Marie?
- I think I missed something.
If anybody needs to talk to me,
I'm just right across the street.
I have marble cake!
What are you
talking about?
What do you mean
you've separated?
Well, I don't suppose
it's any secret
that your father and I
have had our problems.
We even tried that marriage counseling
thing in New Jersey.
One week of counseling and this is
what you come up with?
This is how
you work things out?
Oh, honey, this can't be
a complete surprise.
You know we were never
truly compatible
and New Jersey actually
made us see that.
Oh, yeah, that's right,
New Jersey,
"The Just Give Up State."
Well, it was 41 years,
so you can't say we didn't
give it a shot.
Now please,
don't be upset,
because I'm not, really.
I feel wonderful
and free.
You're unbelievable.
And what about Dad?
Well, he's fine too,
and we'll stay close.
We'll probably be
better friends than before.
And you know Pat and Cyril
went through this,
and they're much
happier now.
They share custody
of the dogs.
This is just like you,
you know?
Your hip
and trendy lifestyle.
It's chic to get separated now,
so that's what you do
instead of putting
any effort into...
Come on, Debra,
now that's not fair.
It's been nothing but effort,
and I have tried.
You have never tried
anything for longer
than it was
on a magazine cover.
Marie.
Hello?
Hiya, Lois.
I was looking
for Marie.
Oh, yeah? For me,
just the opposite.
Juice?
No, thank you.
Would you mind if I
just hung out here for a bit?
Nothing's going on.
What are you?
Put on some clothes
with company in the house.
What company?
She's family.
Hey, there's nothing here
she ain't seen on Warren.
Am I wrong?
Hey, where is Warren?
Abu Dhabi or something?
Could be.
That's why
I came over.
I want
to tell you that
Warren and I
are splitting up.
I'll put pants on.
Oh.
You poor dear.
No no, it's okay,
Marie.
It's okay.
He's leaving you.
No, it's completely
mutual.
We're both
quite happy, honestly.
You don't have to
pretend with me.
You can tell me
all the awful details.
Please.
No, not those pants.
They go to Goodwill.
Hey, I love these pants.
Who the hell are you
to give 'em to Goodwill?!
There are holes in the seat!
You've worn through them!
Then you can't give 'em to Goodwill!
That's bad will!
There are other pants in the dryer.
Put on one of those.
No! These are the pants!
No, you are not wearing
those pants, Frank!
- You're just like an animal!
- Animals don't even like pants!
- You did that on purpose!
- I did not!
You're the animal!
Go on, dear.
Hey! Cheese doodle.
I ordered a moon bounce
for the kids party Saturday.
It's a corral.
Goes with your whole cowboy theme.
They said you gotta be
under 80 pounds to jump in there,
but screw that guy.
I'm going in.
Listen, Ray.
- What?
- I have to tell you something.
Yeah.
It's pretty big.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
My parents
have separated.
They're on the path
to divorce.
- You laugh? You laugh?!
- No no no no. No!
It's one of those
moments, you know?
It's too serious
or something.
I wasn't ready
for it.
This is terrible.
No, all right, st...
There's nothing
funny here.
This is awful.
You know what it is.
It's just... it's the way
that you said it.
"They're on the path
to divorce."
I'm not smiling. I didn't smile.
I'm not smiling.
You know what it is?
It's the image I have.
I picture that there was
a path in the forest
with, like, one of those wooden signs.
"Divorce this way" and...
I don't know. What?
- Like "Three little pigs
this way."
And then your face
when you said it,
it was just a little serious.
That's all.
No!
I think I had too much
fun at work today.
You know what happened?
The door to the vending machine,
it was broken, see?
Free candy.
These are my favorites.
Twix.
Hey.
Hungry?
You know,
if you're interested,
I got a little candy
left upstairs.
It's okay,
I got my candy.
What happened
to your parents?
Why, you want
another good laugh?
I didn't laugh.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Come on, I'm sorry
about your parents.
It's very bad.
I'm sorry.
We have to talk about this.
I wanna talk
about this with you.
Come on, we have to
discuss this.
So, your parents,
boy...
- Go ahead.
- Well, I don't...
what do you say?
I'm sorry.
But, I mean,
I have to say this.
I think everybody could have seen
this coming, right?
I mean, remember Thanksgiving,
how they yelled?
It was terrible.
I had a hard time finishing my pie.
I know they had
problems, Ray.
Then why are you
so surprised?
Because they're my parents!
They're splitting up!
What I can't believe is that
they're the ones getting a divorce.
It should be your parents.
Well.
I don't think that's
a particularly nice thing to say.
- I'm sorry.
- I think someone's awfully competitive.
All right,
I'm sorry, Ray.
No, that's fine.
Say what you want about my parents.
You usually do.
But I will say this.
Maybe, maybe your parents
are splitting up
because they kept
everything inside for so long
that they finally
just exploded.
Like when you put a pudding cup
in the microwave.
Which was not me,
by the way.
So this doesn't
worry you?
- What?
- What about us.
- What do you mean?
- What if we're headed that way?
I keep a lot
of stuff inside, too.
No, you don't.
I drop a sock
on the floor,
you scream like
a horror movie.
There's plenty more I keep inside,
believe me.
There can't be
a lot left in there.
I hate my mother.
No, you don't. How do you know
this is your mother's fault?
It's her fault.
She's so...
Why is she doing this?
I mean, my parents
being together...
I mean, I have counted
on that my whole life.
Through school
and college
and then struggling
after college,
you know, when I didn't
know what I was doing
or where I was going,
at least I had...
Their marriage
was like a rock,
the one solid rock
for me.
Well...
maybe it was more
like a stone, okay?
And now it has passed.
- That's enough. That's just enough.
- What did I do?
You can't have
a real conversation.
- You gotta be funny. Idiot.
- It wasn't that funny!
Hey, no, come on, look, I'm trying
to be understanding here, okay?
I'm not the one who said "idiot,"
all right?
But I'm willing to overlook it
because I understand.
You're the child
of a broken home.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Ally's kerchief tore.
Yeah.
Well, she needs
another one to go
with her
cowgirl ensemble.
Okay, I'll get it.
Debra, wait.
What?
I don't know.
I was just hoping that maybe
you could have tried to come
to terms with the situation
- over the last couple of days.
- No, I'm fine, Mom,
but thanks for the couple of days
to come to terms with it.
I gotta get
that kerchief.
Leave me alone!
Come on!
We said it before.
I'm the bad guy.
You said that.
I did not agree to that.
Well, there can't
be two bad guys, okay?
- That doesn't make sense.
- Look, I wanna be the bad guy, okay?
I'm always a good guy.
I'm a cop.
It's monotonous.
Listen,
I bought the mustache.
Yeah, well, it's my kid's party, okay?
They all hate the good guy.
So you could use
a little hate.
You know what?
Aah!
It's Rotten Raymond!
He's so funny.
Yeah, he's a pip.
Listen, I was sorry to hear
about you and Warren.
Thank you.
I've been there.
That's right.
What was your wife's
name again?
Joanne. She was actually
quite horrible.
Right, I remember.
Just so you know,
it gets better as time passes.
You know?
Thank you, Robert.
Actually, we're pretty
okay with it now.
Yeah, so was Joanne.
She had a party.
- Oh?
- At her old strip club.
All her friends
were there...
Satin, Bubbles,
Lick-Lick.
People make mistakes.
I would say she's the one
that made the mistake.
Thank you.
Oh, listen.
- No, I was just trying to be consoling.
- Good luck to you.
- No, I didn't mean...
- Good luck to you!
I'm sorry.
He really is crazy.
Damn it! Stupid damn
friggin' thing.
Debra.
Your mom said
you were up here.
Hi, Dad.
I can't find a kerchief.
What are you doing here?
Well, the invitation said
"Round 'em up birthday party."
It promised a "rootin' tootin' time."
I'm so sorry, Dad.
Yeah, me, too.
Sorry she's
doing this to you.
- What do you mean?
- I know how she is.
Here, sit down.
This is not
your mother's fault.
- Don't you defend her.
- Listen to me.
We have both been unhappy
- for some time now. You know that.
- All right,
but you're the one
who at least tries to make an effort,
like wanting to go
to that marriage counseling.
Can I tell you something? I never really
wanted to go to New Jersey.
You want to know
why I picked that place?
Because I was
looking forward
to how much your Mother
would hate it.
Well, she loved it,
and I was the one bored
out of my freakin' skull.
Those workshops...
"Polishing your
soul mate's soul."
So...
You really mustn't blame
your mother, honey.
I'm the one who actually
said it was over.
I don't believe it.
- It's true.
- And what did she say?
Well, she knew.
We both knew.
Don't cry, honey.
I can't help it.
I mean, why the hell
do you take vows
if they don't mean
anything?
We meant it then.
We meant it
when you were kids.
But when your sister and then you
went off to college,
it kept getting harder.
Well, what about all the kissing,
the traveling together
and the Pookums 1 and 2
license plates?
What was that?
I know. I know.
I guess, by the end,
most of that was
just... a show.
And we had enough.
We both had enough.
It's not like
Ray's parents.
What?
They seem
to have the secret.
What?
They know how
to do it.
It's not a facade
for them.
But they're maniacs.
Yes, but they're honest
with each other.
Everything's out
in the open with them.
"Eggs, Marie,
and hold the chatter."
I love that.
I'll tell you,
they're the ones
who oughta be
giving the seminar.
Howdy.
Would you take
that off, please?
Yes, Ma'am.
Feeling any better?
I guess.
Sorry about your parents.
I know.
But you know...
that's not us.
'Cause I...
I think we kinda get
everything out in the open.
Tighter.
Tighter.
You want me
to put on the mustache?