Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 5, Episode 22 - Say Uncle - full transcript

Ray thinks his kids like Robert better than him.

Okay, it's last call
for breakfast.

Me already
have breakfast.

Hey-hey-hey, no monster
in the kitchen.

All right, everybody,
take five, remember where we were.

Ah, cereal.

Okay, I'm just gonna go hit
a bucket of balls. See you later.

Hey, hey, before you kick up your heels
and skip to the car,

let's at least pour
the kids some juice, okay?

All right.

Oh, we're out
of orange juice.

Why is that
in there?



I put it back in to remind you
that we're out of orange juice.

- I'll get orange juice.
- No, that's okay, Rob.

No, no, it's okay, it's not a problem.
Mom's fully stocked.

Can I go with you?

I'll be back in a second, sweetie,
now eat your breakfast, okay?

He's great, isn't he?

Yeah, yeah he's great.
He's my hero.

All right.
I'll see you later.

You won't see
the kids later.

No?
You found a buyer?

Robert's taking them
to the zoo.

Oh yeah?
Oh, well...

- It's great. He's great.
- Yeah.

That's great... okay,
I'll see you guys later.



What?
What's going on?

You see the kids?
Look.

What?
They're eating.

But look.

Oh yeah, it's cute
when they do that, huh?

What do you mean,
"When they do that"? They do this?

Yeah, once in a while.

Why are they doing
Robert's thing?

I don't know.
They love him.

How come I never see them
imitating any of my things?

Which are... they're quirky
without being ridiculous.

Like what?

You know...
like the face I make

when I comb my hair.

And it bothers you that the children
haven't taken that up?

I'm just saying that if they're going
to imitate somebody

then they should
aim higher.

What... are you threatened
by Robert?

No.

Hey, kids.
Hey, guys.

What do you say we stop
eating like this?

But that's the way
Uncle Robert eats.

Yeah, but what Uncle Robert
didn't tell you was

that's how he ruined his face.

Oh, would you stop?

See, look...

watch...
watch how Daddy eats.

Mmm-mm, normal.

Hmm? And if you want to do
something after, do this.

Mmm-mm.

Go ahead, try that.

Yeah, all right,
that's almost... yeah...

- Got it.
- Oh, Robert, thanks.

Yeah, I shouldn't have told Ma
you were out of orange juice.

She said she might start checking
things around here more often.

Someone should check to see
if my head's in the oven more often.

All right, kids,
let's finish up

and then who's ready
for the zoo-zoo zoobalee-zoo?

Yeah!

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, guys,

instead of
the zoobaleezoo,

how about if Daddy takes you
to the better zoobaree-zoogaree-zoo?

What are you doing?

No, nothing, I'm just thinking
that I should take them to the zoo.

But I thought
you had golf.

Well, my children happen to be
more important than golf.

What are you doing?

Right now I'm eating
in the normal human way

and then the zoo.

You... Ray,

may I see you in the other room
for a moment, please?

Yes, and I'd like to have a word
with you too, Raymond.

All right, guys, just remember,
straight to the mouth, okay?

"You cannot win
if you touch the chin."

Hey, tick-tock, well, this is
time away from my kids.

Why are you
doing this, Ray?

Yeah, what are you
trying to pull?

Nothing, nothing.

The kids have been asking to spend
more time with me, that's all.

You're kidding?

No, I'm not kidding.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh!

You believe this?

Ray, the kids have plans
with Robert for today.

Yeah, I even brought some
goat food for the petting zoo.

What kind of guy walks around
with his own goat food?

A guy who's prepared.

I happen to have it
leftover from last time

and there's plenty
if you want to go with us.

Hey, what you mean
"with us"?

If we go the the zoo,
it's you that goes with us.

Is this about
who's driving?

No... look, why should I have
to explain myself, okay?

I, as the father, think that
it's in their best interest

to go to the stinking zoo
with me today, okay?

You can have
the day off.

Oh, it's "in their best
interest," huh?

Well, maybe it's in your best interest
not to have me there.

What does that mean?

I just happen to know for a fact
that they really enjoy my company.

I am after all,
a whole lot of fun.

- They do enjoy you, Robert.
- Thank you.

What... you think they enjoy him
more than they do me?

- Not just them.
- Wha..?

Wait, so you're saying my kids
prefer you to me.

- Is that what you're saying?
- Actually, you said it.

If you're waiting for me to disagree,
you might want to take a seat.

- Oh yeah, well... why don't we ask them?
- Go ahead.

'Cause I'll ask them... you don't think I'll ask
them? I'll ask them right now.

Ask away.

You don't do that
to children.

Oh yeah, that's right.
You're all about the children, yeah...

Oh shut up. Shut up.

Come on, this is stupid.
This is stupid.

Ray...

you just go golfing. You can do something
with them tomorrow.

No, I want to go
to the zoo.

No, you don't.
Just go play golf.

No, you can't make me go golfing
if I don't want to.

You are so desperate.

Oh yeah, I'm desperate.
That's funny coming from you...

a guy who has
nothing better to do

than go to the zoo Saturday
with some children.

Okay, okay, see
what you just said?

Spending the day
with your children is boring to you.

No, talking to you
is boring to me.

All right, Ray,

It's all right, Debra,
let it go.

It all comes
from fear.

What?
Fear of what?

Fear that I might have more
to offer your children than you.

Oooh, right, yeah...

you're... you're opening up
whole new worlds to them.

The world of feet
that smell so bad,

your nose had to grow
as far away from them as possible.

I just have
one question.

Who do we have
a photo of

at his children's Christmas pageant
wearing headphones, huh?

I think that's the same person
who tried

to get the postman
to babysit one day.

What are you...
are you on his side now?

Yes.

What did he do...
he started it.

No, he just wanted to take
the kids to the zoo.

Well, maybe he should
get his own life.

No, don't listen
to him, Robert.

Ray, apologize.

It's quite all right, Debra.

As it happens,
I do have my own life.

A very full one.

So for the sake
of the children,

I'll just slip out the front door
and go enjoy it.

I will also borrow
your TV Guide.

You're really on
a roll today, huh?

Why don't you call up
your father

and tell him he's mean
and old and fat?

Sounds like you have something
you want to tell my father.

I don't care how insecure you feel
about what kind of father you are.

What you just said to Robert
was way over the line.

What... look, he should
get his own life.

Who is he to come in here and tell me
that I am bored with my own kids?

Come on, kids,
we're going to the zoo.

Where is Uncle Robert?

Um...

Uncle Robert had to go
do some police stuff,

'cause there was a kitten
that got stuck in the tree

and they need
to climb up him to get it.

Can we go see Uncle Robert
and the kitten?

No, no, no, no,
'cause you know why?

'Cause actually it's not
a kitten, it's a snake.

- Ray!
- Yeah...

Come on guys, let's get dressed,
let's get dressed for the zoo, guys.

Come on, come on,
we're gonna go to the zoo

and Daddy is gonna make
his famous zoo snacks.

That's your famous
"zoo snack"?

"Animal crackers,"
put it together.

Who told Robert
to "get a life"?

Ray..?

What? It could've been you.

Oh, Raymond,
how could you do that?

Okay, first of all, you're only
hearing one side of the story, okay?

And you're taking it
way out of context

and blowing it
way out of proportion.

Because I will say this...

the things he said to me
were outrageous.

Like what?

- Like I am not a good father.
- Oh...

That's right, he said that in my
own house, in front of my children...

He did not say that
in front of the kids.

Well, they were
in the next room.

And Robert has
that big booming voice

which to children sounds
like God, okay? All right?

So just before you come in here
and start accusing me

maybe you should just
look in the mirror

with Robert
standing next to you.

You go to your brother
and apologize.

Yeah, I agree with you, Marie.

I'll fight you both.

She's right, Ray.

You see, Raymond, you don't know
how hurtful words could be.

I don't think you have any idea how
you come across to people sometimes.

You do?

Yes, yes.

I'm very attuned
to people's feelings.

I would never think of saying
hurtful or critical things to anybody.

Isn't that right, Debra?

I totally agree with you
about Robert.

I mean... Robert has problems,
he has many problems.

But, but he's
a devoted brother.

Devoted to bothering me.

He loves you, Raymond,
and your family.

How could you tell him
to get a life

when he's trying to help you
with your children?

That's exactly what I said.

Yeah, because
what I see is...

that you are at work, at a ball game,
you like to play the golf...

Where do you think
he was going this morning?

- Okay, but now I'm not.
- Well let me tell you something.

If it wasn't for Robert doing things
with the children once in a while,

they'd be sitting in front
of the television set all day.

But look, I'm taking them
to the zoo, okay?

I've got the snacks.

Kids, zoo!

Marie, what did you mean
by "television all day"?

Marie, what the hell?

One second you were making me
pancakes, the next second you're gone.

Which would be great
if there were pancakes.

Didn't you hear
my discussion with Robert?

He's having a crisis.

So is my stomach.

Marie, when you said,
"television all day,"

you don't mean all day,
do you?

Oh, no, no,

I mean the kids
also have school and sleep.

But I'm with the kids
most of the day

and I don't sit them
in front of the television.

I'm only reporting
what I see.

But that is so not...

you don't even...

Hoo-hoo.

What are you saying, Ray?

I'm just saying, hoo-hoo.

You listen to me,

I do not sit those kids
in front of the television all day.

Once in a while, because it's
very demanding to be a single parent...

I might just,
to get myself five minutes,

put on an educational
video sometimes.

Seems like those
educational videos

have a lot of anvils
dropping on people's heads.

Okay, we're ready
for the zoo.

Not yet, kids,
just go up and watch...

just read a book.

Look, I just think
there's just a little too much

criticizing of our parenting
going on here today.

What happened to,
"I agree with you, Marie"?

So are you gonna finish my pancakes
or what? I'm starving.

The batter is right there, Frank.
You can't pour batter onto a griddle?

You better hope I can't,
otherwise you're on a bus to the home.

I was just thinking
instead of all that television,

maybe you can do
an art project with your children.

You know, you can make
a caterpillar out of an egg carton.

Hey, this stuff
is pretty good.

Yeah, uh... Dad, those
are goat pellets.

Now when you say,
"goat pellets..."

It's food for goats, Frank.

Okay then.

Why don't I get you
an egg carton

and walk you through your first
caterpillar with the children?

Do you have any eggs?

Because I understand that you ran out
of orange juice earlier.

Actually, the kids are going
to the zoo today with...

uh, me.
With me.

I'm taking the kids
to the zoo today. Kids! Zoo!

Oh, no, no, I said I'm taking them,
okay? And I'm looking forward to it.

Kids, I'm not going to tell you again,
come down here.

I am taking the kids
to the zoo.

You have to apologize
to your brother, right, Marie?

Robert's not going anywhere.
Raymond can talk to him later.

Go enjoy your
children, Raymond.

Thank you,
thank you, Mom, come on.

We can make
a caterpillar.

Going to the zoo.
All right.

Yeah, Dad, I'm gonna need
those pellets, all right?

Hey, while you're there,
see what the sheep eat.

Here, go ahead,
go ahead.

The bubbles tickle.

Hey, you know you're right?
This jet is stronger.

Robert?

Hey, little bro',
what brings you here?

Hey. No, I was just gonna
come by to talk to you

but... maybe it's a bad time.

No, no, no, that's okay,
we're just hanging.

Yeah? Uh...

Oh, oh, oh,
I'm sorry, Raymond,

I would like you
to meet my neighbors...

this is Colleen and Lisa,
this is my brother, Raymond.

- Hi.
- Hi, hi, yeah...

I'm his brother, Raymond.

So... what's up?

Uh... nothing,
nothing, I just...

I went to the zoo today
with the kids, you know...

- Oh-hh.
- That's cute.

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Anyway, you know,
I went to the zoo...

And anyway,
at the zoo,

l-I saw these two monkeys

that were picking stuff
off each other, you know.

And I... started to think
about me and you, you know?

'Cause they looked
like they could be brothers

and I started to feel bad
about what I said.

So, all I'm saying, look,
about before, you know...

Hey, look, don't worry
about it, Raymond.

You know, after our
little discussion

I was actually feeling
kind of down too.

And then I ran
into Colleen and Lisa

and realized that "get your own life"
wasn't such bad advice.

- Glad I could help.
- How was the zoo?

- Yeah, did you have a good time?
- Yeah, well...

it turns out the twins aren't really
interested in animals.

But they did find a bottle cap
that they thought was hilarious.

Yeah... and all Ally wanted to do
was see Baby Emu,

but it never came out
of its thing.

We saw something
moving around back there,

but I don't know, I think it was
just some dude.

Oh, That's too bad.
I'm sorry.

Hey, why don't you
join us?

No, no... I don't
even have a suit.

Wear mine.
It's over there.

See what I did there?

Robert, you're so funny.

Yeah.

- All right, so I'll see you, okay?
- All right, I'll see you.

But wait... what? What, Raymond?
Is there something else?

No, nothing, it's nothing.
I was gonna ask you something...

but no, I mean, you're in the middle
of something here, so...

- Do you want us to go?
- No, no, we're fine here.

It's all right, Raymond,
what's on your mind?

No, nothing,
you know...

it's just...
it's about the kids.

Oh, what did they do?

What is it, Raymond?

Well...

you know what you said
to me before?

About...

how I find being with my kids
sometimes to be kind of...

boring?

Robert, that's
a mean thing to say.

I think it's true.

- Oh my God.
- What?!

I know, I know,

I'm a bad guy, right?

I mean
I love my kids,

I can't wait to see them
when I come home, but...

after five minutes...

I don't know,
I kind of had enough, you know.

I want to watch sports
or even talk to Debra.

- Debra's his wife.
- Lucky her.

And they... they did want to go
to the zoo with you today.

I should have let them go,
'cause I don't know what I'm doing.

Raymond, Raymond,
Raymond...

I understand you being
bored by the kids,

they're kids.

Believe it or not,
I myself don't find

playing monster for four hours
all that stimulating either.

But it's not about me.

I do it because they like it.

Yeah.

But...

I get to do something
that you don't.

I get to leave.

So it really wasn't fair of me
to compare myself to you

who has a full-time job
and who is a full-time dad.

And a damn good one.

Oh... thank you,
Robert.

You're welcome,
Raymond.

Okay.
All right, I'm gonna go.

I'll tell the kids
that you said hi.

- Great.
- Okay, bye.

Bye.

Wow, Robert, no wonder
you're such a good doctor.

You said, "Get a life."

Okay, we're ready,
come out, monster.

Ah, got you!

How much longer?

Yah-hh!
How much longer?

Chase us to the castle.

Can't...

can't this be the castle,
right here?

All right, argh!

Hurry, hurry, hurry.
He's gonna get you!

Hey, who wants to go swimming
at Uncle Robert's?