Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 5, Episode 21 - Let's Fix Robert - full transcript

Never seen this place
so crowded.

Ever since Marco took over, the food is
supposed to be unbelievable.

Oh thanks.

- Was that Stefania?
- No.

Which one is she?

Amy, you know,
maybe we should eat somewhere else?

There's plenty
of other restaurants

where Robert's
ex-girlfriends don't work.

No no no, she took my boyfriend,
now she can take my order.

Yeah, but I just don't get--

oh my God.



How is this so good?!

This is just a breadstick!
You've got to taste this!

No no, I'm not going to eat.
I want to be thin when I see her.

Listen. Relax!

I've seen Stefania.
She's nothing.

You are beautiful.

Yeah.

Hello, Debra.

Oh, hello.
I am Stefania.

See?

Nothing.

You're Stefania?

Si. And you are?

I'm Amy.
Robert's other ex-girlfriend.



Or as I'll be known
as from now on,

the plain one.

You were also
Roberto's girlfriend?

As a matter of fact, pretty much
at the same time you were.

I was looking
at your red wines.

Which Chianti would arrive
the soonest?

But Roberto did not
ever speak of you.

- Yeah, he was good like that.
- Oh!

If I had known...

Not enough
he breaks up with me,

now I find out
I was "the other woman"?

Bastard!

I'm not sure what you said,
but I like how it ended.

I am so, so sorry to you.

You must hate me forever.

Oh, no.

There's no need to apologize.

- I'm not really mad at you.
- Yeah, that's right,

'cause Robert's
the problem here.

But he's out of
both of your lives now.

We are both
very lucky women.

Amentothat.

Hey, Mr. Fogagnolo.
Is my pizza ready?

It's ready when I say
it's ready.

That's a good policy.

Oh, look.
There's my little bastardo.

- Hey!
- Hi, Ray!

Oh, everything... okay?

- What do you mean?
- Well, I'm just...

you know, just surprised
to see you two...

hobnobbing.

Actually, we have
a lot in common.

We both hate your brother!

Oh. Oh. That's nice.

- Did he ever take you to the movies?
- Yes.

That's fun, isn't it?

All his little rules.

"Shh! No talking!
Movie! No talking!"

Yes.

"l don't like to share
my Good & Plenty."

He's like idiot.

Hey hey hey.
That's a little rough, isn't it?

He happens to be right
about the talking. It's very rude.

- Now it's ready.
- Papa, listen to this.

Roberto used me
to cheat on this nice lady.

He tells me
he break up with stefania

'cause he no like girls.

Americans.

Your brother,

he is no good.

Bastardo.

This one I like.

She eats for free.

Okay, Ray, you can go now.
We want to talk about Robert some more.

You know what you need?

You need a big black pot
that you can all stir.

Hey, are you taking
that back to eat with Robert?

I think what I do
with my pizza,

is entirely my business, okay?

- This pizza's for Roberto!
- Hey!

Hey, stop that!

Hey, stop!
The sausage is mine!

Oh, that's nice.
Oh, very nice.

Very nice.
Look at that.

How about I tell
your father about this, huh?

Hey, Marco.

Have a nice day.

- Where you been? We're starving here.
- Sorry.

Sorry's not going to bring back
your fudge ripple.

What, did you flip the car?

What the hell happened?!

That's just a little
hi-how-are-you

from Stefania and Amy.

- What? Stefania and Amy?
- That's right.

They're both sitting together
at what is now,

"Marco's All-American
Pizzeria, U.S.A."

And they're ripping into you

Iike Tiny Tim
on a Christmas ham.

Oh my God!

Holy crap!

This is...

holy crap.

Mmm.

Well, that's just perfect.

Marco has delicious food
and now it's a gathering place

for everyone who hates me.

No wonder
it got good reviews.

I can't believe
how bad my life is.

I'm sorry, man.
I stood up for you.

Oh my God,
this is holy crap!

- You stood up for me?
- Well, yeah.

Oh, come on, Raymond.
If people are trashing me,

you're right up front
with the baton.

No!

- I wasn't trashing.
- Yeah yeah yeah yeah. Okay, listen.

Just the fact that you had to say
you stood up for me,

- means that you didn't!
- I did!

They were insulting you
and I told them to stop.

They were insulting you.
He told them to stop.

- I did!
- Yeah yeah, sure you did.

What?
You don't believe me?

Good, fine.
Maybe you are a bastardo.

- What?
- Everybody knows it, man!

I'll tell you this,
you better watch out, 'cause...

Marco now knows
you like girls.

You do like girls?

Okay, Dad.

Then why do you
walk that way?

- Hi.
- Ooh!

Oh, you startled me.

- How are you, Robbie?
- Fine.

Actually, terrible.

I'm pathetic, I'm a loser

and everybody hates me.

Could you make me
something to eat?

Of course, dear.

- There you go. Bye bye, dear.
- Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma!

Wait! What is this?

Well, don't you like
potato chips anymore?

No, I do,

but couldn't you make me something?
I'm really feeling down here.

Oh, I'm sorry, Robbie.
But the truth is, see,

I'm kind of
in the middle of something.

But come back later
and I'll make you a plate.

All right.

Robbie, wait.

All right, here.

- Come with me.
- What's going on?

I think this'll
be good for you, dear.

Ma!

We've been talking.

Uh...

Um... uh...

Say hello, Robbie.

Hello, Amy.

Hello, Stefania.

Hello, Amy and Stefania.

Together in my mother's
living room.

Roberto.

Bastardo.

Now, we have stuffed shells

and three-bean salad, so why don't you
just sit down and help yourself?

- Ma, what's going on?
- Nothing, dear. I just--

What's going on,
old woman?!

I know this all
seems a little odd--

"Odd"? "Odd"?

Well, dear, you know,
I've always been fond of

both Amy and Stefania.

And once I heard that they
had met each other, I just--

How'd you find out
about that?

That's all anybody's
talking about.

So-- so-- so anyway,

I just want us to have a nice,
candid conversation

about life and romance

and what's wrong with you.

Really?

I wrote out a list.

My spelling not so good.
I do drawings.

You gave them homework?

It's all to help you, dear.

Don't you want
to be a better man?

- That one's funny.
- I give him tail like donkey.

I mean, it's no secret that
you've had relationship troubles.

And I just want you
to learn from your mistakes.

And now that you're here,
it saves me

from having to go over it
again with you later.

Well, why don't we
really save some time?

Take that cheese knife
and stick it in my neck.

See, his sense of humor's
a little dark. Should we start there?

Oh, Robert! Hey!

- Judy?
- Whoo!

Uniform's off,
give me a drink.

Fill my hand
with something grand.

M-M-Ma, why is Judy here?
We only work together.

She has nothing to do with me
not giving you grandchildren.

I know that, but she spends
60 hours a week with you.

She has a lot
to bring to the table.

- Goodnight, everybody.
- No no no no!

Robbie! Robbie!
Robbie, no no no!

No, you just sit down!

Sit down!
Just relax. Relax!

Okay.

Is this everyone, Ma?

What about Jessica Rueble?
Remember her?

Stood me up
for the senior dance.

No, that wasn't her,
that was your cousin Rhonda.

No, Jessica Rueble's the one
who pulled your pants down

at your school assembly.

All right,
so who wants to begin?

How to make Robbie
a better mate.

I'll start.

Whenever we'd
go out to dinner

and we'd order dessert,
he'd always say,

"I'll just have
a taste of yours."

And then it was like
a shark attack!

Nothing but a little puddle
of fudge left!

Order your own dessert!

Oh...

Sweetheart,
have a cannoli.

You stay away
from these.

Look at her.
She's a twig.

Yeah, well,

the man does get excited
about his food.

But when he goes after mine,

I whack his knuckles
with my night stick.

- I have something.
- Oh, good.

The face.
The frowny, frowny face.

He's always, "l don't like.

I don't want.
I don't think."

It is annoying.

Oh, I've seen that face.

Does it look like this?

Yes, and very unpleasant.

I agree with Stefania.
Maybe he needs medication.

Whatever you got!

Yes, maybe he's wrong
in the head.

That's why he likes
to stay home every night

and sit on his ugly sofa.

Oh, ladies.
Let's remember,

Robert has
a very demanding job.

He does need
his downtime.

Thank you, Judy.

But can someone
please tell me

what is with that man
and onions?!

He puts them on everything.

There are other people!

All areas you could
be working on, dear.

I'd be willing to put up
with all of them,

if it wasn't for his
biggest problem.

- His total fear of commitment.
- Yes.

Because I believe that may have
contributed to our breaking up 29 times.

- It wasn't 29--
- Let her speak!

"l think I love you.
I love you.

I thought I loved you.
I love you.

- I think I love you."
- "l want you so much."

- "l don't want you."
- "l love you."

"She's the one.
She's not the one."

All right!

Look.

It's obvious that people are
very angry with me.

But the fact is that things just
weren't right between you and me.

And you and me.

I apologize to both of you

for any hurt feelings
that I may have caused.

But I hope you believe me
when I tell you

that is was never, ever,
my intention.

All right, Robbie. You don't
seem to be helping anymore,

so maybe
you should go now.

Fine.

Fine.

I don't know why the hell
I even sat down

for this all-you-can-eat
character assassination.

And for your information
with regards to the onions,

I happen to have taste buds
that are more sensitive

to savory than sweet, Judy.

For some reason,
and it's a mystery to me,

I'm the only woman
he gets along with.

Don't fill up, Ray.
My meatloaf's almost ready.

Great.

If an angry mob
comes to the door

with pitchforks and torches,
it's for me.

- What's the matter?
- Ma's got Amy and Stefania over there

and they're all talking about
how they're gonna fix me.

Well, I'm-- I'm sure
she means well.

- What?
- I don't know.

You want to stay for dinner?
I'm making meatloaf.

Thanks, Debra,
but I'm not hungry.

Smart move.

I'm going to spend
the rest of my life alone.

Talk to him.

Aw, come on,
cheer up, man.

Listen.

It doesn't matter
what they think over there.

Let me tell you something.
You're a good guy.

Okay.

No, really, don't give up.

The right lady
is out there somewhere.

- Thanks.
- I mean it.

Pfft.
What a load of crap.

What?

"The right lady's out there."

Well, guess what?
You're never going to find her.

You know why?
'Cause you don't want to.

You're alone, 'cause that's
what you really want.

I believe you're looking for
the meeting across the street.

Let me tell you something.

You've created an image
of this ideal woman,

so that when
regular women--

regular, wonderful, real women
fall short, you reject them.

- No.
- Yes!

And that way,
you never have to settle down

and everyone can still
feel sorry for poor, lonely you.

I may not be
the greatest catch in the world,

but I don't think
I should just settle.

I'm not telling you
to settle, Robert,

but you're not
going to be happy

if every time you discover a flaw
in somebody, you go to somebody else,

because that somebody else is
going to have her own flaws!

Nobody's perfect!

You are.

What?

Debra?

My Debra?

This?

Well, yeah.
I think Debra's perfect.

Well, you can't have her.

- Wait a minute.
- What do you mean, "Wait a minute"?

I--

I mean, that was the--
that was so sweet, and--

I was just so mean to you.

And I'm not perfect!

Tell him, Ray.

Is this a trap?

I mean,

Robert, you don't really--

No no no no.
Wait wait wait wait.

What I meant is that
you're perfect for him.

Yeah yeah yeah,
but that's not what you said.

- But that's what I meant.
- But that's not what you said.

- Why did you say that?
- I don't know-- I had a rough day?

Yeah, well, I've had rough days
and I never said she was perfect.

So she's not perfect, okay?

- So now you don't think she's perfect?
- No.

You're saying there's
lots of things wrong with her!

Yes!

- Like what?!
- I don't know!

- Come on, I'm curious! Tell me!
- Tell you what?!

Tell me what's wrong with her!
I'm very curious!

All right! She can be
moody and critical!

Oh, we all say that one!

Look, you asked me and that's
what I think! She can be horrible!

- Okay!
- And here's another thing!

She has one of those eyes
that are little higher than the other!

- Oh, yeah yeah.
- Hey!

And I usually-- I usually don't care
about posture, but she's all--

All right! Knockitoff!

All right!
Are you happy, Raymond?

All right, that's what
I meant about her.

Well, now she doesn't sound so good.
I don't know if I want her.

You'd better stop talking
if you want your dinner.

- And another thing--
- All right.

Look, I'm sorry.

I just meant
that Ray was lucky

in the fact that he found
that special someone for him.

I'm just hoping
to be that lucky.

You will be, Robert.

Thanks.

- Thanks, guys.
- All right.

- See you later.
- Okay.

He's right.

You're very very lucky.

Lucky.

I wonder if that was
the name of this horse.

Hey, Ma.

- Hi, Robbie.
- Did you want something?

Yes, sit down, dear.
Have a seat.

Now I know yesterday
might have been a little rough on you,

but I want you to know
no matter what was said,

you're my boy,

and you'll always
be my boy

and I love you.

Thanks, Ma.

Ma, what are you doing?

Number 19 on the list.

Your little ear hairs.