Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 5, Episode 20 - Net Worth - full transcript

So, the majority
of your investment in...

Kart Attack will go towards
initial construction costs.

A percentage of which will be
paid back through earnings

which are outlined in the
booklet I handed out earlier.

Primarily in sections
A2, D5 and E15,

but also in the appendix
sections 9, 11 and 12.

Listen, I know I'm throwing
a lot of numbers at you

and that can get confusing.

So, let me give you
something a little more visual

to help show you
what we're all about.

Walter, we're ready.



Oh, my.

My partner, Walter, is wearing
our prototype racing gear.

It's standard issue
for all employees.

- Cool.
- It's just a prototype.

The actual uniform
will be flame retardant,

which is a good thing,
don't you think?

'Cause you are smoking,
my friend. Tss-ss!

So, to sum up,

Kart Attack, much more
than a go-cart track.

It's a family sharing
an ice cream cone

at our fully-stocked snack bar.

It's a safe and secure place

for your kids to play
the latest video games.

It's a bar mitzvah in one of our
faith-friendly function rooms.



- But most of all, it's...
- Fun!

We hope you'll be the next

to experience a "Kart Attack"!
Thank you.

That was awesome, guys.

Thank you, thank you.

I was gonna use a fog machine
for Walter's entrance,

but I figured it was
an intimate setting, and...

No, it was great.
Thanks.

So, could we just have a few minutes
to talk things over?

Yeah, talk away.

I'll just be
breaking down the set.

All right.

- So, what do you think?
- Well, it was very good.

- Very professional.
- Yeah, I'm surprised.

I mean, they've clearly done
their research.

- Yes, they have. So, we in?
- Oh, no!

Why?

Look, honey,

I said that I would hear
their proposal and I did,

but nothing in it changes the fact
that it's go-carts.

I know, but... come on,
that's what's fun about it.

Plus, it's a solid investment.

Besides, they're thinking of naming
a go-cart after you.

They are.
"The Debra."

It's black.

That is every girl's dream.

Come on, I can't
turn 'em down,

they did a show and everything.
What am I gonna tell 'em?

I don't know, tell 'em what you want.
I gotta go pick up the kids.

Kids... when we gonna see a dime
from that investment?

Just go talk to them.

I'm sure they can handle it,
they're professionals.

Whoo, whoo, whoo...

- Hey.
- Hey, man! All right!

So, what did Debra say?
Is she on board?

- Awww, not really.
- What?

What?

What are you talking about, man?
She said we did a great job.

I had good
eye contact going.

I did the summary hands,
it was killer stuff!

I know, I know.
She just... she wasn't biting.

What about you?

You want to live like this
the rest of your life?

I know, I know.

Oh, man.
Your wife sucks.

Hey, hey, Walter,
that is not cool.

- We're still in a business meeting.
- I'm sorry, man.

It's just this suit
is so friggin' hot.

I'm sorry, guys. I mean, you did
a good job, really.

- So that's it? You're out?
- Yeah, I think.

Oh, you know,

I'm gonna need
that check back.

What?

That deposit I gave you a couple
weeks ago. I'm gonna need it back.

Oh, yeah, the deposit.

Yeah, it's gone.

What do you mean, gone?

Well, you know, spent it
on the whole presentation.

The suit, the easel.
This is new.

You spent all of it?
A thousand dollars?

How could you do that?

I just told you, the only reason
we came here today,

was to get more money.

Oh my God, how am I gonna tell Debra
I lost a thousand dollars?

I wouldn't talk
to her anymore.

- Hey, there, Miss Teen USA.
- Hey.

Hey.

What are those, new sheets in the bed?
Those look nice.

- They're not new.
- Oh.

Well, something about 'em
looks nice.

Maybe it's the person in 'em.

What are you after, Ray?
Sex or golf?

Neither.

Jeez.

Can't a guy admire linens?

Hey, you know...

remember...

remember that restaurant
we went to in the city

and the guy out front was asking
for money and I didn't have any...

I didn't have change
so you gave him a five?

Yeah, I remember that.

He ran away after you tried
to get it back from him.

Yeah.

But then I realized,
he needed it more than we did

and I stopped
chasing him.

- We all have fond memories of that day.
- Yeah.

I was just thinking of that,

'cause I did something
similar recently.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I gave Scott and Walter
a thousand dollars.

What?!

Okay, look, I know you're gonna
get upset about this...

My God!
A thousand dollars?!

Remember the happy hobo.

I have him $5!

Okay, but to a hobo,
that's like a thousand.

So you gave
Scott and Walter money

after I asked you not to?

No, I gave it to 'em
before you asked me not to.

How could you do that?

- I'm sorry, I'll get the money back.
- It's not about the money!

Then I really don't understand
the hateful screaming.

You really have so little
respect for me,

that you would do that
without asking me?

- I respect you.
- Obviously not!

You wrote the check before you
even talked to me about it!

- Because I though you would say yes!
- Well, I'm saying no!

Okay, you changed
your mind!

So you wanna... get back in the sheets
where you look so nice?

I can't believe
you did this!

Okay, listen,
I screwed up.

Okay, but it's my money
to screw up with.

What did you say?

With which to screw up..?

What? What did I say?

If you're doing a load,
I got some socks!

No wonder!

Hey, why is this on 59?

I was hot last night with
all those covers on me.

Why? Were you
uncomfortable?

No. I had a towel
and a bath mat.

I slept like a baby.

- Here.
- What's this?

A little something
I worked up last night.

"Laundry, $75 a week.

General housecleaning,

$200 a week."

- What is this, a bill?
- That's right.

"Full time child care,
a thousand dollars a week."

Yeah, I gave you
a break on that one.

I billed the twins
as one item.

So, you're charging
me now, to be the wife?

Well, if it's all your money,
then "the wife" should get paid.

Uh-huh.

"Personal chef, $300.

I think we're using the word "chef"
pretty loosely.

Hey.

Those Girl Scout cookies
I ordered from Ally come in yet?

- No, not yet.
- Damn...

am I jonesin'
for a "Tagalong."

Have a Hydrox,
take the edge off.

Wait here, I'll get you a pair
of rainbow suspenders.

You can be a rodeo clown.

Yeah, well, it got a little chilly here
last night.

Hey, what are you
doing with that cap?

Oh, yeah! Kart Attack.
I guess you and me are partners now.

Oh, so you invested too.

Are you kidding me?
Those guys did a great presentation,

Blew me away.
Fog machine and everything.

Where's your hat, Ray?

Why don't you put on
your thousand-dollar hat?

Why don't you pour me
a $300 bowl of cereal?

You should wear the hat,
Ray, free advertising.

Well, I don't know
if I can wear a hat.

I haven't asked
permission yet.

Hey, Robert can invest
his money however he wants.

He's not married,
he's alone.

Doo-dah, doo-dah...

Yeah.

Don't worry, Robert,
you're better off. Look at this.

Here's a list
my wife gave me

of what she's charging
me to be married to her.

Whoa... you know what, Debra?

- You have beautiful handwriting.
- Thank you.

Come on! It's not about
the handwriting.

Look at what she's
charging me for!

What the hell is that
number right there?

That's the total
for the fiscal year.

That's more than I earn!

Oh, you noticed that?

Yeah, but I actually earn it.

Hi, dears.

Debra, I need
to borrow your washer.

- Frank broke ours.
- It's not broken.

Before you put that in,
let me take theirs apart

so I can see what it's supposed
to look like.

Look, we're kinda
in the middle of something here,

so could you come back
in a couple of years?

What are you doing?
Making moonshine in the bathtub?

Where are those
nice pajamas

with the baseball
players I got you?

- What's this?
- You wanna know what that is?

Yeah, I'll tell you
what that is, Marie.

You're a homemaker,
like me.

Okay.

Don't you think that you're entitled
to an equal say

- in your family's financial decisions?
- Absolutely, dear.

This is a list I put together
to make that point with Ray.

Look how she puts a line
through her sevens. Isn't that nice?

What?

Just looking through
some of this...

housekeeping things
you claim you do.

I think maybe I'm entitled
to some of this money.

Looks like someone's
padding the bill.

Look, Ray,
I can't help it

if people break in here
and clean.

Yeah, well, the "in here"
you're talking about

is the house we bought
with my paycheck.

Are you saying you're
more valuable than me

because you bring
home a paycheck?

I'm not saying that.
I think society says that.

All right?
You should talk to them.

Actually, Raymond,
the best way to determine

the value of someone's life

- is with a wrongful death settlement.
- Oh, good.

Good, 'cause we're about
to have one.

No, really, I dated a wrongful
death claims adjuster.

And it was her job
to figure out

what a jury
would award a family

if a loved one were
killed an accident.

In other words,
what they were worth.

It was fascinating to see
what she had to consider.

Too morbid for a second
date, but fascinating.

Like what?

Like they consider what kind of person
you were.

Take Dad,
for example.

Let's say someone
dropped a piano on him.

Okay.

A jury would be asked to consider
what kind of life he led.

Was he a happy person?
Did he bring joy to others?

Did he stop
and smell the roses?

Yes, yes and yes.

You don't enjoy life!

You spend three hours every afternoon
locked in the bathroom.

Hiding from you,
that's how I enjoy life!

So, we can assume
he wouldn't fetch much.

Mom would fare
slightly better

because they factor in
pain and suffering.

Yeah, all right, we all know
what they're worth.

But who would win
between me and Debra?

Well, we're talking
about death here, Raymond.

There's really
no winning.

Okay, yeah,
who's worth more?

It's a little complicated.

I mean, a jury could look
at almost anything.

For example,
did you know

that they're more sympathetic
to an attractive person?

Say good night,
Ray-mo.

I'm sure if Debra's life was
presented to a jury, they would see

- that she was very active.
- Yeah, yeah, okay.

That she worked out,
she was healthy,

spirited, she had
a zest for life...

Got it!

And they would also be
more sympathetic to Debra

because she is the primary
caregiver and nurturer.

I win.

Wait... wait a minute,
wait a minute, what about me?

Well, Raymond, I guess

you're the financial provider.

Damn straight.
I make the cheddar, baby.

Yeah. What else?

Um...

I don't know.

Come on!

I... I enjoy life.

I have a zest for life.
I'm totally zesty.

How about my sense of humor, huh?
How about that?

What about it?

I have a good one.
I have a good sense of humor.

That is true.
Tell one of your jokes, dear.

What? Which one?

Tell the one about the guy

who goes into a bar,

and there's a dish of peanuts
that says nice things to him.

And he asks the bartender
"What's with these peanuts?"

And the bartender says
"They're complimentary."

Tell that one, dear.

You... you just told it, Ma.

No, no. You tell it so funny.

You just told
the ending, Ma.

Well, tell the beginning.
I love it when you...

Ma, I'm not telling the joke
because you blew the punch line!

- You understand that?
- All right, all right!

- What a zest for life.
- She said "They're complimentary"!

That's the whole joke!

Stop defending yourself.

You bring home
the paycheck.

Whoever brings home
the money is the king.

- End of story.
- Well put, Father. You see?

He can do whatever he wants
with the money.

Ugh... Marie,
doesn't that bother you?

She has no choice
in the matter.

I am the king.

And now, His Majesty
will retire to his castle,

where he will await
the royal grilled cheese sandwich.

Come, oaf!
You amuse me.

I'll see you in hell.

Marie, how can you
let him talk that way?

Frank can say
whatever he wants,

he never controlled
the money.

When he brought home a paycheck,
I did whatever I wanted with it.

What are you talking about?
Dad had no idea about that.

No, sometimes
he'd get nosy.

But I'd make him
a heavy dinner

and then he'd fall asleep
on the couch

and I started moving
the money around.

Diabolical.

It's amazing
how clueless he is.

Do you know
that for more than 30 years

I've been giving money

to buy books
for children in South America?

You think your father
would have approved of that?

He didn't like
buying us books.

He... he never knew about
all that money I saved

for our trip to Italy.
And Debra,

I never told Frank
about the loan I gave you two.

- What loan?
- That's okay, Marie,

you don't have to...

When you first got married
and you were living in that apartment.

- What loan?
- No, it... it wasn't much.

It was just a little something
to get us over a rough spot.

Yes, dear,
it was just $2,500.

Ooh!

$2,500? You... you
never told me about that.

Yeah, but we needed new tires
and the dishwasher was broken

and you hadn't gotten
your bonus yet.

- And you were doing the best you could.
- So you went to my mother?!

I told Debra she didn't have
to pay me back, she's family.

And you can't put
a price on love. And anyway...

- I'm not the kind of person...
- I paid her back in two weeks.

Your life made possible
by a grant

from the Marie Barone
Foundation.

My God. What else
did you do?

What else don't
I know about?

- Nothing.
- Come on. If you can do things

like borrow money from my mother,
what other money stuff

- don't I know about?
- Nothing.

Look, you did
the go-cart thing

and I did the thing
with your mother that one time.

So... you know,
we're even.

Whoa!
Wait a minute!

Look around, Raymond,
you got it good.

- Whatever she's doing is working.
- No, no, no.

- Really, what else did you do?
- Raymond...

Hey, hey, hey,
listen, cubby.

When the little monkey rings a bell
and the pellet comes out,

he doesn't ask
how the pellet got there.

He just enjoys
the pellet.

You know what?
Maybe you were right.

I'm just saying, maybe we should
consult each other now

- in all the money stuff, okay?
- All right, okay, sure.

- Oh, that's so nice.
- Yeah.

Honey, why don't you
just go sit on the couch?

- I'll make you a nice meal, okay?
- All right.

Nice and heavy.

Listen, I want to be included
in everything, okay?

- In all the decisions, okay?
- Definitely.

Let's go.

- I work for her, don't I?
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, Marie!

Who the hell is
Miguel Velasquez?

And what is this crap he's saying
about Curious George?

I got turkey tetrazzini.

- Ooh, hey!
- There you are.