Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 5, Episode 15 - Silent Partners - full transcript
Ray and Debra can't think of anything to talk about. Debra thinks they need to spend more time together.
Thank you very much, I'll be
right back with your drinks.
- Okay, thanks.
- Okay.
So what were you saying?
Oh, nothing.
Geoffrey took Michael's hat,
and Geoffrey's was at school,
so Michael didn't have a hat.
But he didn't care 'cause
he hates hats anyways.
Hmm.
- So Geoffrey took Michael's hat?
- Yeah.
This bread is good.
You got that right.
Although, we probably shouldn't
fill up on bread though.
Yeah, you're right.
The bread is good, though.
It is good.
The butter's good, too. It's like
honey butter or something.
Yeah.
Honey, hmm.
That reminds me of when Robert
accidentally swallowed the bee.
You should have
seen him. He was like...
- Yeah.
- It was funny.
Yeah. Yeah, I love that story.
The butter
spreads good, too.
Yeah, I hate it
when it's too frozen,
you know, 'cause
it tears the bread.
Yeah, although you
don't want it too soft,
'cause then you don't know
how long it's been out.
Yeah.
No, this butter's perfect.
It's like the perfect...
what's the word?
Temperature.
No.
Density.
The perfect density, yeah.
Although, yeah, temperature
would have worked.
This butter is the perfect
temperature-slash-density.
Yes, it is.
- We need more bread.
- Yeah.
And now my favorite part
of Valentine's Day.
What?
The march of the red,
silk boxers.
- Are you kidding me?
- You're right. Skip the dancing.
Wait a minute.
We don't talk to each other all night
now you just wanna have sex?
Not just.
Hey, come on.
We talked.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
"This butter is the perfect
temperature-slash-density."
Was I wrong?
You know what? We have
nothing to say to each other.
All we do is talk
about the kids,
or tell stories we've heard
over and over and over.
- What stories?
- Robert swallowing that damn bee.
I've heard that stupid
story a million times,
every time you see
honey or a bee
or a person
with a puffy face.
Yeah, that's a million.
Or how about the time your dad
put a possum in your tent
during a camping trip and you
literally jumped out of your skin?
- What? It was scary.
- Yeah, that's not literally.
You literally jump out
of your skin, you're dead.
Body out of skin, dead.
How about you? You're always
telling me about the story
where you wore purple shoes
and your feet sweated,
and they turned purple.
"It was like I was making wine."
That's not funny.
I know. See?
We have nothing to talk about
and you don't even care.
Well, we're talking now.
This is great.
All right, I'm sorry.
No, don't apologize.
I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at us.
How about a little
yelling at you then?
I mean, you don't think
we're in trouble
if we can't come up
with anything to talk about?
Oh, come on.
We do okay.
Maybe if we did
more stuff together,
we could come up with something
to say to each other.
- Okay.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay, all right.
So what could we do,
you know, together?
Well...
you know what's lovely?
Va-loo..!
Oh, Ray, come on.
Come on, what?
Hey, maybe you could talk
during sex.
See, that's something...
I've always encouraged that.
How about we go
to the botanical gardens?
- Huh?
- Ha... oh.
Hmm. Perhaps.
Could be fun. Come on,
I mean, they have trails
and nature hikes.
- Oh, forget it. It's lame.
- Yeah, come on, plants.
We got plants in the bathroom.
We never talk about them.
All right, so what else
could we do?
We could watch the end
of the Nets/Lakers game.
I'm kidding. I'm sorry.
You know,
that's what's wrong.
I know. I make little jokes.
I'm dumb.
No, no, no,
we should be able
to watch sports together.
Come on,
you're a sportswriter.
It's a big part of your life.
I'm interested in your life.
Yes, yes, I will watch
the basketball game with you.
I would like that.
- Really?
- Yes.
Really?
All right, yeah.
- Okay, basketball it is.
- All right.
Oh, this is good.
So what could you do
to take more interest in me?
Well, I was gonna sit
next to you
during the watching
of the sports.
You know, actually,
I would really like
to know what you think
about this book I just read.
You mean by me
reading it?
Yeah, yeah,
I would like that.
Yeah...
but if I'm reading it,
we wouldn't be together,
which is what
we want. Nuts!
No, come on.
No, yeah, really.
I want you
to read this, huh?
Look, here it is.
"Devil Wood."
Doesn't sound that bad.
"Devil Wood."
So what do you think?
And I couldn't take
more of an interest
in you just by
reintroducing myself
to your body?
You read that book,
I'll let you take the full tour.
Chapter one.
What's wrong with you?
Wake up. Dad's on his way.
Put the game on.
Come on.
Hey, wait a minute.
Let me ask you something.
If one was asked to read
a book called "Devil Wood,"
one would be correct in assuming
that the book was scary
or exciting or had
something "devilly" in it,
wouldn't one?
One would.
Well, then
one would be wrong.
What's going on,
Raymond?
Debra wants me to read this
so we have stuff in common.
But I swear to God, this sucker's
like a horse tranquilizer.
Here, listen to this.
Listen to this first line.
"Lmagine a rain so beautiful
it must never have existed."
What does that mean?
What does that mean? Tell me,
right now, what does that mean?
- I don't know.
- Yeah.
Because it's nonsense talk.
You have to close this book.
Yeah, looks like little Raymie
can't watch the game.
He's got homework.
That's the other
stinking, horrible thing.
She wants to watch sports
together too, like the Knicks today.
Why?
We watched the game together
on Valentine's Day
and apparently that went well...
the being together and talking.
- What did you guys talk about?
- Who knows?
That's why I asked
you guys to come over.
I need you to kind of
absorb some of her.
So we're like pawns
in your sick game?
If she asks,
let's just say that
you came by because you're
still bummed out
about not having a girlfriend.
- I am still bummed out about that.
- Perfect.
I'm back.
Okay, you're not happy.
Keep that look.
- Hey, got junk food for the game.
- Ah, sweet.
I dropped the kids off
at your mom's so we...
Robert's here?
I know. I know.
It's supposed to be
our "do stuff together" time.
And I think he's still depressed
about not having a girlfriend,
you know, being a loser.
What are you gonna do,
right?
I can't just kick him out.
Oh, well, okay.
Yeah.
- So you're reading the book?
- Yeah.
Yeah, you liking it so far?
It's really very, very,
very, very nice.
Good.
- Hey, Robert, how you doing?
- Okay.
- Just thought I'd stop by.
- Oh, good, anytime.
The Knicks are coming
back to life,
now scoring six
unanswered buckets.
Ward now with the ball
at midcourt...
So what's your column
about this week?
45 seconds left to go
in the half.
Actually, I'm doing it
about the Knicks,
so it's good that
we're watching it, yeah.
Interesting.
Would you like to bounce
some ideas off of us? Talk about it?
Hey, Dad, what's up?
Pass me the chips.
That's what's up.
Are you here
for the game, Frank?
No, the sparkling conversation.
Okay, come on,
move your ass!
Hey, Dad..!
Sorry... step lively.
That's good.
Come on, get it,
jump, jump!
What, she waiting for something
to come out of the oven?
No, Frank,
Ray and I are watching
a basketball game together.
Oh, what did he do?
What do you mean?
What did he do wrong
that you'd do this to him?
Stop it, Dad.
You know, Frank, the game is on
at your house, too.
Hey, don't get mad at me.
Ray invited me.
That's an outrageous lie.
He invite you, too?
I, uh...
Sorry, Raymond, I tried.
Easy now, easy.
- I cannot believe you.
- Okay, good. Let me...
- I cannot believe you!
- I just... I just...
- You just what?
- Will you let me finish my sentence?
If you let me finish,
then I could finish it.
Well, now I'm at a loss for words.
This is all so sudden.
I can't believe you can't even
watch sports with me,
something you like? You gotta have
these two over as buffers?
I didn't think inviting them over
would be such a big deal.
They're good company.
Even I don't buy that.
- Have you read any of that book?
- I read a lot.
- Yeah, what's it about?
- About "a rain that's so beautiful,
I can't even believe
it existed."
That's the first line.
You've read one line!
And I was gonna read
the next one
when I came out of my coma.
So that's it?
You're just not gonna put
any effort into this, are you?
Oh, come on, I just don't think
we need to turn our lives
upside down just so we can have
more to talk about.
Trying to talk to me is
"turning your life upside down"?
- I just... I... I...
- Stop talking.
Yeah, Ray, don't even
bother talking to me.
You just enjoy your coma.
All right, maybe I will.
See, this is why I stay
out of relationships.
Yeah, that's why.
Oh, hi, dear.
You here to pick up the kids?
Oh, right, yeah, the kids,
yeah, in a minute, yeah.
Frank said that you
and Debra were having
some sort
of a loud discussion?
Don't worry about it, Ma.
Everything's fine.
You hiding from her?
Yeah.
Then this should be good.
What are you, hiding out?
No, I'm picking up the kids.
Didn't I just ask for the kids?
- What the hell, Ma?
- Yeah, don't bother.
I'll get 'em.
I said I'll get 'em.
I'm capable of getting them.
I said I would pick them up.
How you doing, kids?
I was saying hello
to my parents, huh?
A guy can't greet
his loved ones?
So you don't mind
spending time with them?
Oh, come on.
Will you give me a break?
I tried, huh? Didn't I try?
Oh, okay, I get it. You're mad
at me for not talking to you,
so now you're not talking to me.
Isn't that interesting?
Maybe you should think
about that, huh?
Put that pipe
in your mouth, hmm?
What?
What are you looking at?
May we help you?
- No, we're fine.
- There's a weird cat.
He was outside.
Yeah, it's gone now.
It had a brown eye
and, like, one no eye.
It was one of those.
It was weird.
- Wow.
- I know. That's really...
- Really kind of sweet.
- What, that? They're not talking.
Well, it's like
they don't have to.
I don't think it's 'cause
they don't have to.
I think it's 'cause
they don't want to.
I don't know.
They seemed so in tune.
I see cows.
Here's one doggie,
and here's another doggie.
Look at that. That's great.
You know what?
I need you to draw up
four more doggies and a chicken.
That looks good to you?
They just seem so comfortable
with each other.
I don't know.
Maybe we're at that point
where we can be comfortable
just being with each other.
You wanna be like them?
Not exactly.
But just imagine how much better
our Valentine's dinner
would have been
if we weren't so worried
about filling up every single second
with talk about butter.
You were the one
who was babbling about the bread.
It's only natural you're gonna get
my butter theory.
All right,
I know. I know,
but what if we had
just been happy
to be out of the house,
just us enjoying
the peace and the quiet?
- I do like quiet.
- Yeah, me, too.
And peace.
I guess the question is
for the next 30 years,
when it's quiet,
and we don't have anything
to say to each other,
do I mind having you
sit next to me?
No, I don't mind.
Okay, good.
- You mind sitting next to me?
- No, you smell good.
- Why did you say 30 years?
- Oh, I don't know.
- Do you think I'm gonna die at 70?
- No.
- 'Cause 30 years is a weird number.
- Okay, shh!
Let's not talk.
- Okay. It works for them.
- Yeah.
Ugh... I can't look
at him eat anymore.
The Cavaliers came up
with a surprise upset,
beating the Blazers
108 to 99.
The Lakers had no trouble
with the Rockets,
winning 124 to 88.
The Nuggets just got
by the Knicks 114 to 112.
The Supersonics devastated
the Jazz 136 to 78.
It was the Trailblazers
over the Bucks 98 to 94.
The Celtics edged
the Bulls 110 to 108,
and the Pacers defeated
the Mavericks 121 to 113.
In Vegas, Sammy "the Hook"
Sterling weighed in
at 212 pounds even.
He has a two-inch reach
over John "the Barber" Cutter,
who tipped the scales
at an even 210.
It's a scheduled 15-rounder,
and on the links, Palmer and Nicklaus
shared the third round lead...
And are 11-under for the event.
In soccer...
right back with your drinks.
- Okay, thanks.
- Okay.
So what were you saying?
Oh, nothing.
Geoffrey took Michael's hat,
and Geoffrey's was at school,
so Michael didn't have a hat.
But he didn't care 'cause
he hates hats anyways.
Hmm.
- So Geoffrey took Michael's hat?
- Yeah.
This bread is good.
You got that right.
Although, we probably shouldn't
fill up on bread though.
Yeah, you're right.
The bread is good, though.
It is good.
The butter's good, too. It's like
honey butter or something.
Yeah.
Honey, hmm.
That reminds me of when Robert
accidentally swallowed the bee.
You should have
seen him. He was like...
- Yeah.
- It was funny.
Yeah. Yeah, I love that story.
The butter
spreads good, too.
Yeah, I hate it
when it's too frozen,
you know, 'cause
it tears the bread.
Yeah, although you
don't want it too soft,
'cause then you don't know
how long it's been out.
Yeah.
No, this butter's perfect.
It's like the perfect...
what's the word?
Temperature.
No.
Density.
The perfect density, yeah.
Although, yeah, temperature
would have worked.
This butter is the perfect
temperature-slash-density.
Yes, it is.
- We need more bread.
- Yeah.
And now my favorite part
of Valentine's Day.
What?
The march of the red,
silk boxers.
- Are you kidding me?
- You're right. Skip the dancing.
Wait a minute.
We don't talk to each other all night
now you just wanna have sex?
Not just.
Hey, come on.
We talked.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
"This butter is the perfect
temperature-slash-density."
Was I wrong?
You know what? We have
nothing to say to each other.
All we do is talk
about the kids,
or tell stories we've heard
over and over and over.
- What stories?
- Robert swallowing that damn bee.
I've heard that stupid
story a million times,
every time you see
honey or a bee
or a person
with a puffy face.
Yeah, that's a million.
Or how about the time your dad
put a possum in your tent
during a camping trip and you
literally jumped out of your skin?
- What? It was scary.
- Yeah, that's not literally.
You literally jump out
of your skin, you're dead.
Body out of skin, dead.
How about you? You're always
telling me about the story
where you wore purple shoes
and your feet sweated,
and they turned purple.
"It was like I was making wine."
That's not funny.
I know. See?
We have nothing to talk about
and you don't even care.
Well, we're talking now.
This is great.
All right, I'm sorry.
No, don't apologize.
I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at us.
How about a little
yelling at you then?
I mean, you don't think
we're in trouble
if we can't come up
with anything to talk about?
Oh, come on.
We do okay.
Maybe if we did
more stuff together,
we could come up with something
to say to each other.
- Okay.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay, all right.
So what could we do,
you know, together?
Well...
you know what's lovely?
Va-loo..!
Oh, Ray, come on.
Come on, what?
Hey, maybe you could talk
during sex.
See, that's something...
I've always encouraged that.
How about we go
to the botanical gardens?
- Huh?
- Ha... oh.
Hmm. Perhaps.
Could be fun. Come on,
I mean, they have trails
and nature hikes.
- Oh, forget it. It's lame.
- Yeah, come on, plants.
We got plants in the bathroom.
We never talk about them.
All right, so what else
could we do?
We could watch the end
of the Nets/Lakers game.
I'm kidding. I'm sorry.
You know,
that's what's wrong.
I know. I make little jokes.
I'm dumb.
No, no, no,
we should be able
to watch sports together.
Come on,
you're a sportswriter.
It's a big part of your life.
I'm interested in your life.
Yes, yes, I will watch
the basketball game with you.
I would like that.
- Really?
- Yes.
Really?
All right, yeah.
- Okay, basketball it is.
- All right.
Oh, this is good.
So what could you do
to take more interest in me?
Well, I was gonna sit
next to you
during the watching
of the sports.
You know, actually,
I would really like
to know what you think
about this book I just read.
You mean by me
reading it?
Yeah, yeah,
I would like that.
Yeah...
but if I'm reading it,
we wouldn't be together,
which is what
we want. Nuts!
No, come on.
No, yeah, really.
I want you
to read this, huh?
Look, here it is.
"Devil Wood."
Doesn't sound that bad.
"Devil Wood."
So what do you think?
And I couldn't take
more of an interest
in you just by
reintroducing myself
to your body?
You read that book,
I'll let you take the full tour.
Chapter one.
What's wrong with you?
Wake up. Dad's on his way.
Put the game on.
Come on.
Hey, wait a minute.
Let me ask you something.
If one was asked to read
a book called "Devil Wood,"
one would be correct in assuming
that the book was scary
or exciting or had
something "devilly" in it,
wouldn't one?
One would.
Well, then
one would be wrong.
What's going on,
Raymond?
Debra wants me to read this
so we have stuff in common.
But I swear to God, this sucker's
like a horse tranquilizer.
Here, listen to this.
Listen to this first line.
"Lmagine a rain so beautiful
it must never have existed."
What does that mean?
What does that mean? Tell me,
right now, what does that mean?
- I don't know.
- Yeah.
Because it's nonsense talk.
You have to close this book.
Yeah, looks like little Raymie
can't watch the game.
He's got homework.
That's the other
stinking, horrible thing.
She wants to watch sports
together too, like the Knicks today.
Why?
We watched the game together
on Valentine's Day
and apparently that went well...
the being together and talking.
- What did you guys talk about?
- Who knows?
That's why I asked
you guys to come over.
I need you to kind of
absorb some of her.
So we're like pawns
in your sick game?
If she asks,
let's just say that
you came by because you're
still bummed out
about not having a girlfriend.
- I am still bummed out about that.
- Perfect.
I'm back.
Okay, you're not happy.
Keep that look.
- Hey, got junk food for the game.
- Ah, sweet.
I dropped the kids off
at your mom's so we...
Robert's here?
I know. I know.
It's supposed to be
our "do stuff together" time.
And I think he's still depressed
about not having a girlfriend,
you know, being a loser.
What are you gonna do,
right?
I can't just kick him out.
Oh, well, okay.
Yeah.
- So you're reading the book?
- Yeah.
Yeah, you liking it so far?
It's really very, very,
very, very nice.
Good.
- Hey, Robert, how you doing?
- Okay.
- Just thought I'd stop by.
- Oh, good, anytime.
The Knicks are coming
back to life,
now scoring six
unanswered buckets.
Ward now with the ball
at midcourt...
So what's your column
about this week?
45 seconds left to go
in the half.
Actually, I'm doing it
about the Knicks,
so it's good that
we're watching it, yeah.
Interesting.
Would you like to bounce
some ideas off of us? Talk about it?
Hey, Dad, what's up?
Pass me the chips.
That's what's up.
Are you here
for the game, Frank?
No, the sparkling conversation.
Okay, come on,
move your ass!
Hey, Dad..!
Sorry... step lively.
That's good.
Come on, get it,
jump, jump!
What, she waiting for something
to come out of the oven?
No, Frank,
Ray and I are watching
a basketball game together.
Oh, what did he do?
What do you mean?
What did he do wrong
that you'd do this to him?
Stop it, Dad.
You know, Frank, the game is on
at your house, too.
Hey, don't get mad at me.
Ray invited me.
That's an outrageous lie.
He invite you, too?
I, uh...
Sorry, Raymond, I tried.
Easy now, easy.
- I cannot believe you.
- Okay, good. Let me...
- I cannot believe you!
- I just... I just...
- You just what?
- Will you let me finish my sentence?
If you let me finish,
then I could finish it.
Well, now I'm at a loss for words.
This is all so sudden.
I can't believe you can't even
watch sports with me,
something you like? You gotta have
these two over as buffers?
I didn't think inviting them over
would be such a big deal.
They're good company.
Even I don't buy that.
- Have you read any of that book?
- I read a lot.
- Yeah, what's it about?
- About "a rain that's so beautiful,
I can't even believe
it existed."
That's the first line.
You've read one line!
And I was gonna read
the next one
when I came out of my coma.
So that's it?
You're just not gonna put
any effort into this, are you?
Oh, come on, I just don't think
we need to turn our lives
upside down just so we can have
more to talk about.
Trying to talk to me is
"turning your life upside down"?
- I just... I... I...
- Stop talking.
Yeah, Ray, don't even
bother talking to me.
You just enjoy your coma.
All right, maybe I will.
See, this is why I stay
out of relationships.
Yeah, that's why.
Oh, hi, dear.
You here to pick up the kids?
Oh, right, yeah, the kids,
yeah, in a minute, yeah.
Frank said that you
and Debra were having
some sort
of a loud discussion?
Don't worry about it, Ma.
Everything's fine.
You hiding from her?
Yeah.
Then this should be good.
What are you, hiding out?
No, I'm picking up the kids.
Didn't I just ask for the kids?
- What the hell, Ma?
- Yeah, don't bother.
I'll get 'em.
I said I'll get 'em.
I'm capable of getting them.
I said I would pick them up.
How you doing, kids?
I was saying hello
to my parents, huh?
A guy can't greet
his loved ones?
So you don't mind
spending time with them?
Oh, come on.
Will you give me a break?
I tried, huh? Didn't I try?
Oh, okay, I get it. You're mad
at me for not talking to you,
so now you're not talking to me.
Isn't that interesting?
Maybe you should think
about that, huh?
Put that pipe
in your mouth, hmm?
What?
What are you looking at?
May we help you?
- No, we're fine.
- There's a weird cat.
He was outside.
Yeah, it's gone now.
It had a brown eye
and, like, one no eye.
It was one of those.
It was weird.
- Wow.
- I know. That's really...
- Really kind of sweet.
- What, that? They're not talking.
Well, it's like
they don't have to.
I don't think it's 'cause
they don't have to.
I think it's 'cause
they don't want to.
I don't know.
They seemed so in tune.
I see cows.
Here's one doggie,
and here's another doggie.
Look at that. That's great.
You know what?
I need you to draw up
four more doggies and a chicken.
That looks good to you?
They just seem so comfortable
with each other.
I don't know.
Maybe we're at that point
where we can be comfortable
just being with each other.
You wanna be like them?
Not exactly.
But just imagine how much better
our Valentine's dinner
would have been
if we weren't so worried
about filling up every single second
with talk about butter.
You were the one
who was babbling about the bread.
It's only natural you're gonna get
my butter theory.
All right,
I know. I know,
but what if we had
just been happy
to be out of the house,
just us enjoying
the peace and the quiet?
- I do like quiet.
- Yeah, me, too.
And peace.
I guess the question is
for the next 30 years,
when it's quiet,
and we don't have anything
to say to each other,
do I mind having you
sit next to me?
No, I don't mind.
Okay, good.
- You mind sitting next to me?
- No, you smell good.
- Why did you say 30 years?
- Oh, I don't know.
- Do you think I'm gonna die at 70?
- No.
- 'Cause 30 years is a weird number.
- Okay, shh!
Let's not talk.
- Okay. It works for them.
- Yeah.
Ugh... I can't look
at him eat anymore.
The Cavaliers came up
with a surprise upset,
beating the Blazers
108 to 99.
The Lakers had no trouble
with the Rockets,
winning 124 to 88.
The Nuggets just got
by the Knicks 114 to 112.
The Supersonics devastated
the Jazz 136 to 78.
It was the Trailblazers
over the Bucks 98 to 94.
The Celtics edged
the Bulls 110 to 108,
and the Pacers defeated
the Mavericks 121 to 113.
In Vegas, Sammy "the Hook"
Sterling weighed in
at 212 pounds even.
He has a two-inch reach
over John "the Barber" Cutter,
who tipped the scales
at an even 210.
It's a scheduled 15-rounder,
and on the links, Palmer and Nicklaus
shared the third round lead...
And are 11-under for the event.
In soccer...