Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 5, Episode 10 - The Sneeze - full transcript

-Don't miss your flight, Ray.
- Yeah yeah yeah.

You got everything?
You got socks, underwear?

Yeah yeah, oh!

- Toiletries?
- Yep.

I'm forgetting something.
I feel like I'm forgetting something.

No, you should just go, 'cause you can
buy whatever you need at the hotel.

Yeah, I guess.

All right,fine.

What,
where's my goodbye kiss?

All right.

- See you Thursday.
- Okay.



- That's what I forgot, the sex.
- What?

I forgot about the sex.

- Come on, Ray.
- No, come on,

we always have goodbye sex.

- It's good luck.
- Honey, you're gonna be late.

So I'll park the car
in the white zone.

They'll tow it.
I'll pay the fine when I get back.

You're worth
the money, baby.

You're gonna miss your plane, Ray.

- Just go.
- No, come on. You're wasting time here.

Five minutes.
I'll go for my personal worst.

That's really incentive, honey.
Could you just go?

You're never in the mood.

You said I could buy
whatever I need at the hotel.



I'll see you later, Ray.

This trip's gonna stink.

Flight 32 is now boarding.

All passengers please
proceed to the gate.

I'm sorry, man.
I didn't see you.

I didn't see you.
I'm sorry.

I'm really...

really sorry, really.

Oh, come on!

Come on, you gotta be
kidding me.

Kidding me.
Oh, God!

Oh, God.

Oh, come on!

Get off me!
Everything in here, get off me!

- Deb!
- Yeah, I'm up here.

Hey.

- Hey, welcome home, Ray.
- Some guy sneezed on me.

Oh.

So did you miss me?

I'm in the men's room
at the airport, right?

I'm not bothering anybody.

This guy,
he's right in my face

sneezing like he's trying
to blow out the devil.

Ew, that's gross.

Two seconds I'm dripping
in this material

from a complete stranger.

Oh.

You hear about this
all the time.

You never think
it's gonna happen to you.

That sounds
really awful, honey.

You know what?
Maybe I can help you forget.

Hey, what are you doing?

I spent the whole flight--

half the flight
I'm in the bathroom

just scrubbing my face.

See all this skin?
New.

Something's
gotta be wrong.

You know, I'm sure
you're fine, Ray.

He was probably just sneezing
from all that disinfectant

they use
in those bathrooms.

Hey, if there was disinfectant
in that bathroom,

it was getting
its ass kicked.

Do you think--
am I gonna get something?

No.

Look at my eyes.
Do they look watery to you?

No, they look fine.

Beautiful brown.

What about the white part?
Does it look red

or yellow?

You know, honey,
if you're so worried,

why don't you go see
Dr. Sundrum tomorrow?

- So you do think I have something.
- No,

but if you don't believe me,
then go see a doctor.

You're probably right.
Yeah, I should go.

Oh, man, I'm exhausted.

Ray, you know how you're always
complaining that I'm never in the mood?

Yeah.

- Mmm! Oh!
- Now you're getting it.

Does my neck-- does it
feel swollen, though?

No, just one side
feels a little uneven.

I'm just gonna take
some aspirin, you know?

Or maybe some of that
"ibuprofrenian."

I want credit for this!

Don't believe
I shaved my legs.

Hey hey hey, that's--

that's my nightie.
Give me that.

- Give me that nightie.
- But we're a horsey.

You're a--
yeah, all right, well,

you're having more fun
in it than I do, so...

All right,
but scream upstairs.

- Hey.
- Hey, how are you?

- Awful.
- Are you sick?

Is that what
the doctor said?

- He's running some tests.
- What kind of tests?

The Q-tip
in the throat thing.

Honey, they do that
to everybody.

Are you sick or not?
What did the doctor say?

Doctors. Look,
I know how I feel.

Okay, so the doctor
said you're fine.

I'm not fine.

I'm not.

You know how you feel the day
before you get the flu?

Well, this is the day
before that.

That's what it is.

I should have went
to the doctor tomorrow.

Okay, you know what?
Then go back again tomorrow.

No way. I probably
caught something

from just being in that
room with those people.

It's like a germ
casserole in there.

You know what?
I'm around germs all the time.

The kids bring all kinds of stuff home.
I hardly ever get sick.

Maybe you're a cyborg.

Maybe, or maybe it's 'cause
I'm always in here

washing stuff all the time.
My hands are always clean.

Let me wash my hands.

Yeah, well, you know, honey,
you gotta use soap.

- Soap soap soap.
- Use the soap there.

And scrub really hard, you know,
like you're doing a pot.

Uh-huh.

Hey, do that pot.

I don't wash my hands enough.
That's the problem.

Well, that might be
the problem.

Yeah, that's it.
Just get the soap all over that.

Hey, as long--

as long as you are home,

why don't you take the kids
to their play date?

Yeah yeah, let me
just finish this.

Okay, take your time.

- Hi, dears.
- Hey, Marie.

Raymond, I saw your car.
Why aren't you at work?

- Had a doctor appointment.
- You went to the doctor

and didn't tell me?
Why wasn't I told?

It's nothing, Marie.
The doctor said he's fine.

- He's running tests.
- Tests?

What's wrong? Tell me.
I have a right to know.

- Some guy sneezed on me.
- What? What guy?

- Who? Who did this to you?
- Some guy. Some guy at the airport.

Someone sneezed on you
at the airport?

You can have anything
from anywhere.

- Or you could have nothing.
- Oh, look at this face.

Look at the bloodshot eyes,
and the yellow skin

and the droopy cheeks.

That's his regular face.

No no, I have been
feeling kind of droopy.

- Yeah, but the doctor said--
- Doctors.

He never had to go to a doctor
when I was taking care of him.

Give me your head.

- He's not hot, is he?
- Not yet, but something's coming.

You see that? I always
feel normal right before I get a fever.

Oh, it's amazing.

All right, that's it. That's it.
Get up to bed right away, young man.

We're gonna nip this
in the bud.

She's right, though.
I think she's right.

Wait a minute.
What about taking the kids?

Not in your condition.

All right, no more discussions.
Go ahead.

Get up there.
Go go go.

I'll just, you know,
go rest for a little while,

and, you know, maybe
you can keep the kids a little quiet.

He's such a brave
little soldier.

Soldier? No, he's
a hypochondriac.

Every time he nicks
himself shaving,

he wants to call
a priest.

He's a sensitive boy.

- Marie, he's not sick.
- What are you saying,

that Raymond
is lying to me

when he tells me
he feels droopy?

- You really think he's sick?
- My son told me

that he doesn't feel right,
and I love him,

and I'm going
to take care of him.

And I don'tlove him?

I'm not saying anything.

All right, Marie.

Thank you.

You know...

I understand that you're
a young woman of today,

what with the women's lib
and all that.

And you probably think
of me

as a very old-fashioned,
out-of-touch "housewife."

And maybe I am,

but if someone
in my family needs me

and wants me
to take care of him,

I'm there for him.

And I'm happy to do it.

And now I'm gonna boil
my Raymond a chicken.

- Hey.
- Hi.

What's wrong
with your hands?

They're all mentholated.

Here, let me get
that for you.

- Thank you, yeah.
- Okay? There you go.

- What are you doing?
- I'm rubbing this in for you.

Why?

Because you said
you were sick,

and I want
to take care of you.

And I'm happy to do it.

Oh, okay.

All right, just be careful.
Whoa whoa whoa, yeah.

You don't want
to burn my nippies.

Okay.

- There you go. Got that?
- All right.

- Thanks.
- Hey, and I brought you some soup.

- Soup?
- Yeah, chicken soup.

- My mom's?
- No, mine.

Oh.

Bring it. I wanna
get all up in that soup.

- There you go.
- All right.

How is it?

Mmm, hot.

- I added some celery.
- Look, there's the leaves.

So how you feeling,
hmm?

- I'm still droopy, I think.
- Oh, sorry.

Is there anything else
that you need?

Hey, maybe we could
let this cool off a little more.

Huh? Could you put it
all the way over there?

Sure.

So what else?

Can I give you
a back rub or something?

What's the something?

- A back rub.
- Oh.

- Yeah, all right.
- Yeah? Okay.

There.
How's that feel?

- Oh, that feels good.
- Yeah?

I should get sick
more often, yeah.

- Ow ow, that hurts. Yeah, that's hard.
- Sorry.

Yeah. Hey, could you
do me a favor?

Could you change
this blanket?

'Cause this one's
a little itchy.

That's the one
we have on all the time.

Yeah, I know.
I guess I'm just

a little more sensitive
now or something.

Yeah,
that's the itchy one.

Oh, we don't have
the blue one?

It's in the laundry.

Oh, well,
should I wait,

or is it not even
in the dryer yet?

Hey, how you doing?

Your mother sent me.
Said you were all alone over here.

He's not all alone.
I'm taking care of him.

Oh, too bad, 'cause
on the way over here,

I was trying to think of what
we could talk about.

I actually came up
with a little something.

Well, we could still talk.

Nah, I'll save it.

Ma tell you about the guy
sneezing on me?

Yeah yeah, Shirley.

I ever tell you
about Korea?

I shared a latrine
with 100 men.

You were lucky
if you got sneezed on.

- What's on the tube?
- You know, Frank,

Ray should
really be resting.

- Ray, you up here?
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, guys, he's in here, come on.
Hey, how you doing, Ray?

- There's the sick boy.
- Hey, there he is.

Oh, it's the guys.

Oh, so what are they
doing here?

Oh, yeah.
I invited them over.

Yeah, just to cheer me up.
So how was practice?

Gianni hit me in the face
with the ball.

- Yeah, I threw him a pass.
- Yeah, when I wasn't looking.

Looking? It hit you
right between the eyes.

- Cheered up now?
- Yeah yeah.

They make a cute
little couple.

- What did you get, guys?
- Look at that.

Oh, pepperoni
smiley face.

Yeah, we did that
in the car for you.

Excuse me, girls.
Pizza.

Dad.

So how you
feeling, Ray?

Look how cute you look
in your little pajamas.

They have a little trapdoor
in the back?

Yeah. Yeah, open it up,
there's a picture of you.

See, it's like--
it's the best medicine.

You know, Ray, you sure pizza's
what you should be eating right now?

- It's comfort food.
- I'll take a slice of that comfort.

Speaking of comfort...

Hey, Dad, we already
have one sick person here, all right?

Hey, Ray,
what happened here?

That's chicken soup,
Gianni.

Oh, couldn't keep
it down?

- Ray, can I get under the covers?
- Get out of here.

- Come on, get out of here.
- No no, I'm good for you.

I'm like your little
hot-water bottle.

Get out of here.

All right, you know what,
Andy? Get out of the bed.

I'm trying to take care of Ray.
Andy, get out of the bed!

What are you doing?

I'm playing the banjo.
What's it look like I'm doing?

Oh, come on, you don't
know how to do that. Give me that.

No no no, I know how to do it.
All right, look, somebody time me.

- All right, I got it.
- Ready, go.

All right,

- the time to beat is zero.
- Hey, wait.

- Ray, what are you doing?
- I'm gonna show them how to do it.

- I get a do-over.
- No, I can do it.

Yeah, this is
how it's done.

All right, let me try.
Come on, let me try.

Hey, boxing out. What are you
boxing out? Come on.

Low in the post,
the Pearl.

The Pearl
has him in his own house.

Oh. I was
boxing him out.

So, looks like you're
feeling better, Ray.

I don't know.
Maybe it's like a pizza high.

Well, whatever it takes.
Thanks, guys.

Not in the face!

All right, Ray, so maybe you can
start giving me a hand around here now?

- Hey.
- Thank you, Frank.

Thanks for stopping by, guys.
Ray's all better now.

I have chicken soup.

- What are you doing up?
- Nothing, I just--

Get back into bed.

Oh, boys boys,
you shouldn't be up here

getting him all excited.

It's okay, Marie.
He's fine.

You're still saying that?

I said get into bed.

No, Ma, Debra actually
thinks that I should not--

Don't let her pressure you.
Gimme your head.

This is a person who
should not be standing.

- What what what?
- I could bake ziti on your head.

Go go, go lie down.

Marie, my God, he was
just playing basketball.

- How's your throat?
- It's a little scratchy.

- You see?
- It is a little scratchy.

And you're
giving him pizza?

- I didn't--
- Cheese is a known phlegm producer.

All right,
take that out of here.

Right away, Mrs. B.

- Where's your blue blanket?
- Oh, it's in the laundry.

Tsk tsk tsk tsk.

Here you go.
Now I know you're in pain,

but I want you to try
to get this all down.

- Okay? Just breathe it in.
- All right.

Oh, yeah,
it smells good.

- That does smell good.
- She makes good soup.

That'll fix you right up.
That stuff will grow back a limb.

What else do you feel?
Are you achy?

- I don't know.
- Where, in the chest or your legs?

- Both, actually both.
- What about coughing?

- Are you coughing?
- A little bit.

All right,that'senough!

- I can't take this anymore.
- What what what?!

- Debra, Raymond is sick.
- Oh, that's right. Raymond's sick.

Raymond is very sick,
and do you know why?

Because you made him sick.
You're both sick.

I am giving Raymond
what he needs.

You're giving Raymond
what you need,

a sick little boy
to take care of.

Well, I don't need
another little boy!

And every time you come over here,
Raymond takes another step backwards,

and I gotta wean him
all over again!

Well, I'm busy!

And I don't appreciate
the implication

that I am not
a good wife and mother

and not nurturing.
I'm a damn fine nurturer.

Now get out of bed.

And Marie, you take your soup
and your flowers

and your probably home-baked
bread and get out of our bedroom!

What?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Okay.

That was
Dr. sundrum's office.

Get back into bed.
You got strep throat.

Here you go, honey.

Have your soup.

- Wow, strep throat.
- Mm-hmm.

I probably should eat
some ice cream, right?

Of course, dear.
Anything you want.

Chocolate, vanilla,
or strawberry?

Could you mix
all three?

Hey, you know, Ma,

I'm thinking that
since I've been here,

my throat's
a little scratchy, too.

- Oh, honey, give me your head.
- That's right.

You sit down.
I'll get you a bowl.

What is it, Gianni?

Maybe you'd better
have some soup, too.

Oh, okay.

I got hit in the face
with the ball today.

Oh, I have plenty
of soup.

I've had a pain in the ass
for the past 45 years.

You got any soup
for that?

How's my boy?

Let's see.

Oh, now it says 101.

This one's
not accurate enough.

Flip over.